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Wilma’s friends on Intimacy has consequences
In this Monday’s post; Ego rejects love and intimacy I began by sharing my reaction to hearing that my brother was reading my blog. I then went on to share my inner thoughts and observations of my relationship with my daughter and how intimacy so easily vanishes as ego dominates our conversation and activities -or the lack of it- with its fears and primary need to protect it’s own agenda.
We all know the story of the emperor with no clothes on, a story which so beautifully shows how our egos go to great length to keep up appearances and how avoidance of intimate sharing out of fear can keep a ridiculous situation in place. That fairy story sounds unbelievable but is it really?
Your comments, especially Tess, Peggy and Mark all echoed Jannie Funster’s assertion that;
The ego and love and intimacy do not mix.
Which begs the question; if they do not mix then one must go, which is it to be? I love to vote for the ego to go, but it seems that currently ‘love and intimacy’ is on the outer. Aysel noticed this and has questions too;
why is it that intimacy is such a taboo with people close to us… Why I would rather share my intimate thoughts with strangers as I do through blogging, then with my mom?
While Aysel didn’t answer her own question, she did go on to talk about her experiences of what happened when she took a risk and dared to be intimate;
I remember sharing a rather intimate thing with my friends – how little reaction did I get, how quickly they changed the subject… I was shocked and disappointed.
We probably can all remember instances where we plucked up courage to share intimately to be dismissed one way or another by those very people we consider to be closest to us.
BTW if we pay further attention then the very fact that we need courage to share intimately deserves a questions mark too, doesn’t it?
Evita looked at what happens with blogging where we get to say whatever we wish, often intimately, to the whole world, strangers and family alike and how it is no problem for strangers but does have consequences with close family;
one day when my mom did decide to go on the site and read, it lead to a very unpleasant situation to say the least. I won’t explain, but what I am saying is I totally understand this particular “fear” or better put “cautiousness” that we have when we lay it all out. On the site, I get to be really honest, really me and say what it is that is within my heart or mind. Our closest ones do not always realize that part of us, as they see us through their often “Ego-based” lens.
Yes, it shows that currently sharing intimately does have consequences. One of those consequences is that ‘ego-based’ lenses are going to react to our love and intimacy. Courage is indeed needed because we all have experienced that there is no avoiding the consequences when we do go ahead and be love-in-action, when we do dare to share intimately.
As for Aysel’s question; “why is it that intimacy is such a taboo with people close to us?” My answer is; everybody is avoiding living a life rich with consequences. I for one would have been afraid of what I would unleash when I told the emperor that (s)he has no clothes on. People have been burnt at the stake for being love-in-action and while not literally any more, certainly still figuratively in other ways.
It is clear what Evita is choosing;
Today however, I am not afraid anymore. When I write I realize that I am making myself open and at the same time vulnerable to those I know and strangers. People are free to make what they choose of my writing and what I have to say, and I have to, or better yet I choose to be okay with that.
What do you choose?
To let your ego-based thoughts dominate and do your best to avoid consequences or go for love and intimacy and all the consequences that unleashes?
BTW intimacy is NOT sharing MY opinion willy nilly, intimacy for me starts with observing and sharing with great honesty the wholesome ‘what is so’, my own in particular.
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25 Comments to “Wilma’s friends on Intimacy has consequences”
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Okay, i missed the original post…but in all honesty that is because I wouldn’t have been “open” to it..to the people I respect talking about love and intimacy..Because..today I was thinking I am resisting something in my life big time..what is it? Intimacy..exactly as you touch on above..I can be open with complete strangers and a few close friends..but other friends or family..I don’t yet have the courage..
it’s as you say Wilma:
that’’s the crux of it..right where I am..I should need courage to set out on a bold adventure, not to celebrate a good blogging day or amazing article with my friends..
I am open to embrace, yet I am at a barrier so am working to remove it..one block at a time..and this article and comments..wow..Divine timing! The Universe works in marvelous ways when I am ready and Aware..
Thank you for sharing so openly..and thank you to those who commented for sharing as well..so much to learn..and I’m soaking it all in…
Joy´s last blog ..Wednesday Wisdom- Cove of Answers
Oh Joy, I know, being intimate can be scary as there are consequences. I have been ridiculed for being open and yes that did hurt. I have been misunderstood when I put my intimate thoughts on the line, that did hurt as well. But what got hurt actually, was usually my pride, was usually the image that I had of myself, was disappointment that nobody ’saw’ me. Then the people that so called hurt me went on their merry ways and never gave me or my precious thought a second thought nor the fact that they hurt me. So what actually was going on?
Joy, now I just love them when they do not understand and I accept that I might not have to be intimate with them the way I would like to be. If my family don’t see me, that is okay and I do not have to lie but also not share everything when there is resistance to hear.
Indeed one block at the time.
I now feel love for the ones I cannot be intimate with and with people who I can be I do pick up my courage to be intimate. It took courage to be intimate with John, to become transparent but the funny thing is I was anyway. When we pay attention we are intimate as paying attention shows us so much. When we are open to love and to see and hear, we are all transparent if we want to or not. THAT is actually so beautiful. Much love, Wilma
Online, I go with ego and fear. Offline I am more trusting. I hope that makes sense.
vered´s last blog ..Why Do You Like Me
HI Vered, if find you on line transparent and authentic. What you get is what you see. Your answers on ‘Blogging without a blog’ for example are always honestly saying what you do and what you do it for. I like and respect that hugely.
xox Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I think I learned a very important thing from your recent post and discussion – we all have a need for intimacy, and if this need is not met, we find ourselves on a road to loneliness. You bring up an excellent point of why we are afraid to be intimate, why in most instances we shut ourselves close instead of trying to open up and show a piece of our soul as it is. What we don’t realize is how much damage we do to ourselves by erecting high walls to keep everyone out of our thoughts, feelings and dreams. What’s left is us alone with ourselves and our destructive thinking in circles. We can’t get help if we don’t ask for it, and asking is an act of intimacy. It’s expected of us to wear a happy mask, everything is okay, not tell how we really feel. People who reject intimacy risk to find themselves so desperately lonely, so lost – yet still ashamed to seek someone’s help or support. Looking forward to more of your brilliant posts.
Aysel´s last blog ..Does Anyone Ask How You Are Today
Dear Aysel, everything you mentioned in your comment is so valid and very astutely observed. THIS is indeed the very big danger I wanted to point out and it is what keeps us imprisoned in our confused thinking;
I am so excited you picked this up because THAT is why we are so slow to change as is the whole of humanity.
Also you are so on the dot with this as well;
It certainly is and we can ask for things that do not matter but to ask things that matter is a different ball game. Because John and I are doing things differently I have to get resources in a different way, I can no longer be independent and boy has asking been difficult sometimes. Because in the asking I showed that I did things differently and opened myself up for all sorts of responses and criticism and I was frightened of them or more my ‘ego’ had a lot to say about possible responses. I did get responses I didn’t like, and I coped with them eventually :~).
Yes, loneliness, depression are all signs of lack of intimacy and as a consequence a lack of love; as you say;
Dear Aysel, thank you sooo much for really intimately listening to what I am observing, I so appreciate that. Much love, Wilma
Intimacy is something I never really thought about until I started meeting people who had relationships that lacked the trust and intimacy that they desired. They didn’t desire it enough to leave the relationship, but they hungered for that intimacy and trust. I think that there is a part of us that wants to share – that wants to be open and not keep things back – to trust.
I do have friends that read my blog – and I wouldn’t mind my parents reading it at this point. For a while it was just a place for me – I still don’t write for others as much as I write for myself. And yet, after the past year and the events that evolved… it is taking time for me to return to a place where I am open sharing my thoughts and experiences – where I write with abandon. I want that open feeling again – the openness I have in conversation, I want on my blog. I suppose I will feel when I am ready to return to that.
The Exception´s last blog ..More Bold
Dear TE, I so agree with this;
Absolutely, we all want to share ourselves, it is a human need to belong and connect, to be love in action and express the love that we are.
AND yes, somehow we have created such a way of interacting that openness is often met with rather nasty consequences, or so our ego thinks. Luckily we are not burnt at the stakes anymore but there are other nasty things happening that makes us want to crawl back into our shell. Yes, we all have to deal with that one way or another until the world has returned to a safe place for us human beings. It is coming though, we are becoming aware of how we are NOT really serving ourselves with the way we live at the moment. Also as we are more and more open to other points of view, they are emerging as we are more capable of taking them in.
Yes, it takes time to return to sharing openly after we had to deal with consequences that were rather unpleasant. But as you say;
That would be awesome, wouldn’t it, being fully self expressed everywhere we go. it is coming, I am convinced. Much love, Wilma
Intimacy with the ones we are closest to does often scare people. We fear being judged, we fear that if we reveal what lies behind the mask that we will not be accepted by others and that we might not be accepted by our self. Intimacy is revealing, it is standing in the sun naked and not being able to cling on to a false self.
We must love our authentic self to know true intimacy.
Mark´s last blog ..I Hunger … No More
Absolutely Mark,
We must love our authentic self to know true intimacy.
However there is a catch 22 at the moment as Aysel says. Until we can share thoughts about ourselves we might keep returning to nasty thoughts about ourselves with nobody being able to correct them. Who is taking their clothes of first, who is the first to say the emperor has no clothes on.
Intimacy is revealing alright and who has truly nothing to hide? I remember reading Gandhi’s thoughts and being amazed about what he revealed in there and how he struggled with his confusion about what was best. Can we all reach THAT level of honest, intimate sharing? xox Wilma
To quote one of my favorite lines from Peter Gabriel, “only in uncertainty are we naked and alive…”
I used to fear intimacy…my first husband loved to take my words, twist them to bits, and the sling them back at me. It didn’t matter if my words simply described my fears, my challenges, my issues. I learned to shut up, keep quiet, and pretend.
These days…there’s no pretending. Hec, Richard knows that even if I say “nothing is wrong” he just sees my eyes tell the truth. There is no pretending. With Richard, I’ve learned there is no fear in being intimate and sharing with him what goes on in my head…and the direction I’m taking my life…
I’m pretty sure I have these kind of intimate relationships with my children, some of my siblings (not all…but I do something else than pretend to be someone I’m not), my mom and my stepmom, but not my dad (again, I don’t pretend, I chose not to be intimate…but I don’t know exactly what kind of relationship he and I have…more on the forum as I ask myself those questions!)
What I have discovered this last decade of my life is that fear has no real place in my relationships. It stunts me and the other person. There is no growth, no common sharing, no integrity, nothing real happens.
And if fear tries to wiggle its dark way in, I have a husband who can read my eyes and call me on it.
Love,
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..StepMartyrs Are Not Loveable
Oh Peggy, isn’t it absolute bliss to have this intimate relationship with Richard after having experienced the opposite.
I too had a husband who twisted words and I too shut up.
And you are so spot on, intimacy is paying attention and Richard obviously does that;
THAT is being love-in-action, paying attention to the one you love!!!!!
No, because he ’sees’ and has no bad intentions. Why should he and yet we all have met people who had bad intentions, like our ex husbands.
However I love that you make it clear that we need to discern here, we cannot at the moment treat everybody alike. WE need to choose who we can and want to be intimate with. I love what you say here;
Yes, there are people we cannot be intimate with and for the moment so be it!
Like Aysel, I sooooo love that you pick up on this too;
THAT is the biggest tragedy of our time, no intimacy, no growth and we keep repeating the mess we are in.
Oh Peggy, isn’t that what relationships are about;
THAT is the intimacy we all seek with people we are connected with and you worked hard on it to get there and so have I. It doesn’t come automatically, does it?
Much love to you and I am looking forward to what you have to say on the WomenLikeMe Forum. Intimacy is sure something to pay attention to. Much love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
You absolutely nailed it for me with this sentence: “everybody is avoiding living a life rich with consequences.” I think we’re so afraid of consequences these days, and are often living in denial that all choices and all actions do have consequences. And that we are resilient enough to flow with those consequences, that they in fact are part of the richness of life, as you so beautifully point out. For me that’s where trust comes in. Whether it’s intimacy or something else, there’s always a consequence, and moving toward that actually feels like the path to a larger life.
Great posts, this and the last one. Sending you a big hug.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays- An Invitation to Dance
Dear Patty, yes this is another very important point to pick up on;
Oh yes, I have learned from consequences when I eventually got over the ego busting that they invariably did.
Luckily I have not been burnt at the stake for sharing intimacy, I have not been publicly ridiculed, but my ego has been busted and humiliated.
The more I experienced the consequences as you say, the more I did start to trust my resilience and that life goes on and I am the better for it. You are spot on.
But there again is a catch 22, I only learned that from experience and until I was willing to have them, I was stopping my progress.
I did resist those learning moments big time, oh big time, but once I got over my fearful resistance and jumped, I always survived and came up trumps.
Cheers to our progress my friend, hugs Wilma
Hi Wilma .. I know I’m not intimate with my family – they’ll ridicule me as they have done for years .. and not acknowledge anything I’ve done .. so I just get on with it. I probably have taken the intimate thoughts that I should have with a husband, or children – none I have – so I do talk to myself and try and understand the challenges there. I admit my faults to others and am open with them .. which clears my air .. but doesn’t help my relationship with my siblings. I was able to talk things through with my uncle – who was the most understanding of men.
I don’t upset the applecart on the blog because it is not a personal reflection – and I’m definitely not qualified to have a personal development, self-improvement style blog .. but I do love learning from others. Blogs are fun to share with anyone who cares to read .. and my sister-in-law reads mine, but no-one else .. they can’t see the value in what I’m doing .. or think forward to what I might do .. which is the more interesting aspect.
Must go .. Mum back in hospital! – they put the wrong size tube in (too small ..) so it came out last night & guess who went to hospital .. and who’s got a little packing and sorting to do .. oh well – be strong .. another coffee first .. love and hugs .. Hilary xoxo
Hilary´s last blog ..Could this be a sitcom – or a break out sitcom Ever had a one word – at a time – conversation Fish and Chips – how do you spell it
Dear Hilary, isn’t it interesting how we even can be like this with who are considered our most ‘intimate’ family members;
Most people we know for a long time are NOT paying attention who we are today, but keep looking at us from the image they have of us from the past, which is of course also based on very little information. I’d say, let the wish to be intimate with family go for the moment AND bear the consequences of that and bear the fact that indeed they do not see you, will never acknowledge what you do for your and THEIR mother and let it be. I know that that is hard and actually hard to accept as it is so obvious how things could be so much more pleasant and prosperous when people would be intimate and pay attention to each other. However in the end it actually doesn’t matter with whom we are intimate as long as we are with somebody so we can share our thoughts and grow. We tend to make that wrong as it is not our family but why?
I think that is the position often therapists are taking on, the role of intimate friend. So be it until things change and we all wake up. I for one am very pleased to have you here, you do contribute and that is what counts.
Oh, how difficult for both you and your Ma and that while you are in the middle of moving. Unbelievable, oh Hilary much love and best wishes with coping with it all.
Hugs Wilma
H Wilma .. thanks for that .. re my brothers and my mother .. so true. I wonder about therapists .. I can’t say I feel comfortable with them .. and the thought of an ongoing conversation opening old wounds etc has never ever appealed – digging through one’s life of x years .. all a bit much I feel. But obviously for some they really help and for specific areas they must be essential. Mum ‘ok’ in the hospital .. she’ll be in for a day or two longer .. and thanks for the best wishes .. looking at the mess & four days to go .. still each day another whole ‘part’ is cleared off. It’s a lot emptier .. bye .. must on – hugs too you both too .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Could this be a sitcom – or a break out sitcom Ever had a one word – at a time – conversation Fish and Chips – how do you spell it
This post brings about some deep thoughts for me. Sometimes, I would like to write about my mother and her alcoholism, and the effect it had on my life as a young girl. Her affair when I was 13. Her constant need to surround herself with animals, 7-23 dogs, therefore unable to travel or visit her grandchildren, who have now all grown up. It’s hard, but I don’t feel free to share that on my blog. My brothers are very protective of her and she has not taken any responsibility for her actions or their effect.
I guess it’s one of those things I can write out privately when I need to. And maybe it is my ego and fear holding me back. My mom always did have that effect on me, because, in a way, I want to protect her too.
This post helps me realize, I have some inner work to do.
Hugs and love Wilma!
xoxo
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..How Far to Heaven
Oh Angelia, yes it is difficult when coming to terms with the effect parents have on us. Full intimate completion of the past requires both parties to play and if one doesn’t then it becomes hard to intimately share YOUR side of the story. My daughters have done it, telling me how the divorce impacted on them and it was really hard to listen and not justify myself. I so wanted things to have been different too. I could have this intimate conversation though because I was not afraid to face the consequences of my divorce and hear their hurt I could not protect them from. I knew and accepted the role I had played in causing them grief. I had both forgiven myself and my ex husband and was therefore no longer vulnerable to hear their side AND I could put my ego on the backburner who soooo wanted to justify itself. When a person is NOT ready to face the consequences of their own behavior, intimacy is not possible. Intimacy will invariably hold a mirror up and when we do not want to face what that shows, well, we will avoid intimacy and we rather talk about the weather or keep animals that demand our attention.
Oh Angelia, it is hard and yes some intimate work with your inner self on your part will contribute hugely to you completing with your mom without her taking part. You know if people do not want intimacy because it will expose too much, much more than they can handle, their ego will go to great length to NOT have intimacy. Intimacy sure has consequences, intimacy sure brings up stuff you rather not face.
Much love for you and your inner journey, xox Wilma
Wilma,
I love what Mark says about Standing in the Sun Naked. OMG that’s a title for a powerful book. Intimacy in-to-me-see is something I’ll be paying attention to until the day I die. It really is about my authentic self and standing in the sun naked. Now excuse me while I take off my clothes and go outside;)
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Why Is Life Good
Hi Tess, I would do the same if it was summer here as well
Yes, intimacy is about sharing your authentic self and not acting from what is expected as the norm. AND as you say that is a life-long assignment because if you really pay attention, we are soooooo forced to act how is expected of us. Unfortunately what is expected of us is NOT what our authentic self would choose and there lies the tragedy.
However it seems that some of us are working hard to make the societal expectation and our authentic self more congruent. THAT would create a beautiful loving world alright.
So you go and get naked in the sun, I will wait my turn. xox Wilma
Hi Wilma — thanks for saying this — I do notice a lot of relationships around me where people are afraid of upsetting the status quo, and so they settle into a routine that, paradoxically, results in boredom and conflict. If I can’t say what’s going on for me, why do I need the relationship at all, except out of fear that I won’t find another one — whether we’re talking about lovers, friends, bosses, etc.?
Hi Chris, indeed;
If only we did pay attention to what we are doing, the world and us in it would not be like it is today, ‘utterly ridiculous’. It could not stay so ridiculous for much longer because once you pay attention a lot of things become so obvious, like the fact that the emperor has no clothes on for example. Our fear would start to stare us in the face as it has done for me and then it is a matter of what are you going to do and what you are capable of doing. I have been fortunate enough to develop strength as a stronger basecamp to deal with staring fear in the face and doing something productive about it and you obviously have too with your inner productivity. Because without intimacy no productive relationships xox Wilma
Hi Wilma
I feel the emotions of this topic and the energy of it from all of the different contributors. And I agree completely with what Patty said about you nailing it right on with this statement: “everybody is avoiding living a life rich with consequences.”
I also relate so much to what Aysel said in the comments you added from her in the post above. It is so interesting how we can be so open with strangers, and yet so closed up with family…
But again it goes back to living and to consequences, and this topic also reminds me of Tess’ whole idea about bringing in “Fearless Living”.
Naturally, as with everything else, the more we try or do something, the easier it becomes. So it may be scary, it may not be easy at first, and definitely very uncomfortable to be authentic and intimate, when that means rocking the boat, or changing the status quo, but gosh does it ever feel so good, once we allow some space and time, and at times healing to pass through. And then it just gets easier…
Evita Ochel´s last blog ..The Two Most Powerful Words To Create Change
Dear Evita. There are consequences for everything we think and do and how we avoid to take responsibility or try to avoid the consequences altogether. I agree that that is an important lack in our understanding of how life works.
Yes, the more we are willing to face the consequences, the more we dare to create them.
And change has consequences, fearless living has consequences as Tess also knows.
And yet we cannot live without them and I agree;
It is in the experience that we learn, only in the experience and we need to start to accept that AND face the consequences. Much love, Wilma