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Ego rejects love and intimacy.
This wonderful intimacy is soon to be rejected by ego.
My brother recently confessed that he ‘secretly‘ reads my blog?!
WHAT?! However I ’secretly’ thought straight away; “O hell, did I write anything compromising?”
WHAT?!
NO wonder that our closest friends and family do NOT read our blogs, when it solicits these reactions. I panicked and my brother obviously felt as if he has done a dirty deed AND that when nobody did anything wrong. Having got over my first fright I love having my brother read my blog; “hi Peter, I love seeing you here!”
But what was going on?
What went on is the result of the fact that the ego hates intimacy and resists it at all cost. THAT was what happened.
I’d say the ego is doing that for a good reason though.
Intimacy is Love-in-action.
Love makes you pay attention, love has you being present to whom is in front of you and the ego knows that intimacy means someone is getting too close for comfort.
The ego knows it is in danger of having its cover blown, having its underlying selfish, dishonest agenda exposed and therefore the ego resists love and intimacy.
It is quite obvious when you honestly observe what is going on. When you really are Love and pay attention you cannot help but notice a whole lot of things about people.
The issue is that the ego is NOT comfortable with that at all, the ego does not want to expose anything to anybody. Neither can the receiving ego cope with what is revealed.
Lisa, Mommymystic mentioned it in one of her comments; we feel vulnerable when honest observing comes into play and I agree.
As Love goes beyond the ego’s facade, the ego will feel attacked and will attack back or go into defense; being lovable is the last thing it wants to be; it becomes nasty and in doing that love and intimacy is being rejected.
One of my daughter’s ego is currently smelling a rat and is therefore resisting my love and my being intimate with her.
Her ego has got it sussed. She landed an amazing job and is now on a seven year journey to qualify to the highest level after already 3 university degrees. Her ego is very proud of what she has done so far and that she will become a very wealthy and powerful woman in her field. Her mother is very proud too and yet not totally fooled by her success. Yes, she is an amazing clever young woman, yes she has achieved something amazing but where is her ‘life’?
I love her, so I observe her and see beyond the ego. Instead of happiness I hear in her conversations the underlying boredom now that the challenge is gone and only one long straight road ahead is left. I let her talk and listen beyond her pretenses. I hear that deep down she feels stuck and confined but there is no way she is going to openly say that.
Instead she is stroppy and easily irritated. I do not take this personally and do my best to keep my ego out of it.
Here is my proud daughter who has done amazing things to get where she is and now her success has become her prison. She cannot see her way out, seven years of study is a long time and what her heart-centered self wants is to explore the world now.
She longs to travel, she aches to play and yet she locked herself in.
My Love observes; this is very serious, she is on the road to become an empty albeit wealthy shell; blow that damn career.
I phone her, gently proposing some immediate adventures to give her some sense of fun back.
One weekend we have a great time swimming and walking. She talks about her jealousy when yet another friend moves overseas. I talk about more adventures together and her having a holiday in Nepal or Jordan. I even dare to mention she could take longer to get qualified. Seven years is the minimum but nobody says you have to do it in that time. You can take 30 years, nobody would care. But her ego does care, it wants to achieve qualification in record time.
After my casually proposing more adventures, she withdraws, gets irritable and unlovable. It is time for me to go. Love and intimacy nicely thwarted by ego.
She loves kayaking; I do not give up, after some weeks I say; “let’s go kayaking.” She reacts enthusiastically and I give her a membership to a kayak club.
I email her to make a time to use that membership but I get fobbed off. When I phone I get the brunt of a foul mood. She apologizes later and yet, I am not allowed near, no she has no time to do fun things .
I am being kept at arm lengths as her ego knows that I am not impressed with its agenda that prevents my daughter to have a life.
I am not fazed now I know what is going on. I am not pushing, I am listening and supporting her as much as I can on her terms BUT I am not getting fooled by her OR my ego.
My ego wants to feel hurt, my ego wants to make it a drama that I can not come close.
My heart-centered self is patient, it is not about forcing her to see it my way, it waits and when she is ready I am there.
In the meantime I am gently letting her know that I am hearing all she is saying without judgment and expectations. I let her know she is safe, despite the fact that her ego justifiably feels my company is dangerous.
I am Love-in-action by paying attention. I am carefully observing and biding my time that will come BUT the ego is no longer able to fool me.
I recently observed it in my brother’s comment and I observed it with my daughter; the ego and love and intimacy do NOT mix.
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The ego and love and intimacy do not mix. Hear, hear!
I hope your daughter will take joy in simple things like her kayak’s paddles slicing cool waters,with the green canopy above and sky twinkling through. That would be heavenly to enjoy. Sometimes we get so involved in personal achievement we forget to stop and breathe in the energetic pulse of simple things that make life so beautiful.
The only ones in my family who read my blog are my sister and my female cousin, and my ego thinks that amount is just right.
xo
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Sail A Child — Song Lyrics
Dear Jannie, yes I too hope she will come to her ’senses’, literally and figuratively.
You are absolutely correct in saying this;
There is however often nothing personal about achieving most career objectives nowadays, committing to personal achievements that add value to everybody and everything is where the gold lies and often career objectives are often NOT joyful or adding value or personal, they just take you away from what is important indeed and just feed the ego.
It is another matter when they give joy and are your passion, like your singing and writing. That is joyful in itself and very congruent with who you are.
You are lucky to have at least a few family members reading your blog and good on your ego for handling that. The question is can your family members’s egos handle what they are reading? xox Wilma
This was a phenomenally interesting read. I don’t really have much to add to it, but wanted to thank you, Wilma, for taking such time and care to write it. You made me think on a very deep level… I love that!
Dear Megan, thank you for taking the time to listen. There is another world out there, currently still hidden by our ego. We haven’t seen anything yet, a love centered world will look so beautiful and will let us discover a lot of other presences we currently cannot access or get intimate with. But the day is coming that we will. Much love to you, Wilma
It fascinates me to read about the things that people value. Success is so important to egos. Each ego seems to define success in it’s own way and then go after that. The ego will feel gratified for a few moments once the success is achieved but then it must create another goal to achieve because the ego can only exist inside those goals.
One of the best examples i’ve seen was in an anorexic woman on the show “intervention”. Her goal weight and goal calorie intake and goal amount of exercise constantly had to be achieved in order for her to feel she had value.
The search for success is so similar to this. When I was 13 or 14 I used to think that I would one day “be there”. I would be an adult and I would have the things I am looking for and I’d be done with life or growth or something. Then I realized that you always keep growing. I didn’t have a solid idea of what “getting there” was.
The strive for success seems to be similar to this idea except that there are specific goals that keep needing to be reset. This kind of thing doesn’t really seem to have anything to do with what the goal actually is. It has more to do with the feeling of qualification and value that an ego gets the moment after it achieves it’s goal.
“Now I’m valuable. Now I am worth something because I did this rare and difficult thing.” The “addiction” of success or achievement is not looked at as something that needs to be changed because achievement is the addiction that we are trained as children to strive for. it’s good and normal to be addicted to achievement.
I’m sure there are many people who would say to you “you are so lucky to have a daughter who has achievement addiction instead of one of the unaccepted addictions.”
It’s very cool to see you trying to help your daughter realize that she is beautiful and valuable and therefore doesn’t need to strive to qualify herself in the eyes of her ego.
Darren Schilling´s last blog ..Caution during proselytization
Hi Darren.
Achievement is certainly a trap we can get into and I so agree with this;
If we only could replace that kind of achieving to achieving to be loving people, to achieving living a struggle-less life full of joy and feelings of abundance, then I would be in like Flynn.
We are indeed trained to think of something as good or bad and that certain achievements will make us happy when just living an ordinary daily life doing what you love doing is the best achievement one could possibly go for.
It is sad and yes I am pleased to see that trap for what it is and obviously so do you. xox Wilma
Hi Wilma! As a parent of grown children myself, there is a fine line that we walk. We want to encourage their success and yet we are visionaries, knowing that success is not necessarily all that it is cracked up to be when you have to sacrifice so much “you” in the process. WE know this but our kids don’t. They think they are impervious to our struggles and experiences. Because we feel so emotionally attached to them of course it is hard to see what we see them going thru. For myself I’ve often felt I’m damned if I say/do anything, and I’m damned if I don’t! All you can do is love them.
My daughter and her life plans seem to blow with the wind. When she says she is going to be a teacher, I get in there with support. Then she changes her mind. So I rally to support her next idea. Then I get flack because she says “I know you would rather I be a teacher so how can you be so excited at THIS choice?” I’m just being a mom. Guess there are too many strings attached?
As for family reading my blog, hubs used to, but that was to encourage me with better stats. Now that he knows I don’t care about stats, he rarely reads it. I don’t really write anything all that personal so I don’t worry about who reads it – or not.
hugs
suzen
suzen´s last blog ..Sick of Cleaning or Sick Because You Do
Dear SuZen, it is indeed a fine line between sharing your experiences and sounding like giving unwanted advice.
I must say that I too am pleased that I have found out that there are other ways, because for a long time I so thought like my daughter. I too had bought into what society told me was the way to live a successful life, earn lots of money while you sacrifice living and then retire. Retire to do what as my brain would have been too fried to come up with anything that remotely looked like living. You can see why old people let themselves be put away in ‘kindergartens’ to play silly games.
Oh SuZen, in the end as long as I am now living my own life in a way I feel great about, children might eventually get the message and change their lives too. After all, they did see me act the other way as well.
In the end that is all we always have to do;
Hugs Wilma
I was thinking why is it that intimacy is such a taboo with people close to us… Why I would rather share my intimate thoughts with strangers as I do through blogging, then with my mom? Is it me being a hypocrite showing my brighter cheerful side, my I-am-okay face and hiding the side that’s hurting from people who are meant to be my support? Or maybe I want to spare them some pain and a few awkward moments. I remember sharing a rather intimate thing with my friends – how little reaction did I get, how quickly they changed the subject… I was shocked and disappointed. But maybe not everybody is comfortable dealing with uncovered undisguised truth. Some people feel content with superficial communication, without diving to the dangerous depth. Maybe intimacy cannot be imposed because it becomes like looking at the sun without sunglasses – too bright, too much, too painful. I don’t know, I am still struggling to understand why we have this instinct to hide our sacred thoughts. Wilma, I think I need to contemplate about your post a little more
Aysel´s last blog ..Thank You- Silent Words
Dear Aysel, you contemplate some great questions.
I do think you are putting your finger on it; we are not used to intimacy, we are intimidated by open sharing, unskilled about knowing what to do next.
And that is limiting our growth, that is the consequence that bothers me the most.
Aysel, I am starting to see that I can only often be intimate with people whom I choose for that purpose; not people who are in my life by birth or work or from old times. That also means letting go of people whom I no longer feel connected with since I have changed and they have not.
It even means sometimes outgrowing partners. There are consequences for growing into awareness and in our confusion we have not always an idea what to do with that.
As you can deal with more intimacy, you leave the ones who cannot keep up behind and that is a difficult wholesome ‘what is so’ to deal with and you need to be strong to be able to cope with that.
Dear Aysel, the more you see the more you are seeing that the emperor has no clothes on and who dares to agree with that? Learning to pay attention takes courage and can be at times a lonely business until you are finding like minded people who might still be quite scarce in our immediate environment at the moment. I congratulate you on your inquiry though, uncomfortable as it might feel. Much love, Wilma
Dear Wilma,
I can so relate with your daughter wanting to finish her accreditation in the minimal time required…Very much relate…as in ME, TOO. That was me and sometimes still is me.
For example, I finished my BA degree in 3.5 years. Not the normal 4 or sometimes 5 years. But I also didn’t sacrifice living my life or having fun except for the last semester when I pulled 22 credit hours off in 16 weeks. (Extunating circumstances due to a military relocation)
I took pride in blowing the grading curve, getting the best grades, being the best student. But like I’ve written in WomenLikeMe, I was like a rat in a cage…going nowhere at full speed.
Although I did not set out to do this, I will be getting my first degree black belt in the minimum time required – but I haven’t done this at the expense of everything else…just a committment to the monthly class requirements and managing my time to the ultimate test date of November 2010.
I could have taken the fast track with my yoga teacher certification, but I had to do this in a way that was conducive to my needs. So it took me 2 years and 3 months to get both my 200 and 500 certs…on this, I did not put myself on a timetable. I did not sacrifice my joy or my life to do this.
Which brings me to a fabulous quote in “The Four Agreements” – “You are not here to sacrifice your joy or your life. You are here to live, to be happy, and to love”
And yes – our egos reject that quote…and will try to fill our heads with guilt, self-doubt, and punishment…
oh…phooey on our egos!
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Yoga At 9-300 Feet
PS – people in my family read my blog, my brother especially. My sister-in-law reads often. Sometimes my parents do. I know my stepdaughters occaisionally peak into The Stepmom’s Toolbox. If my family reads my blogs, great. If they don’t, that’s ok, too
Peggy´s last blog ..Yoga At 9-300 Feet
That is very cool and I think quite rare and quite an achievement.
Dearest Peggy. And what a great quote this is from “The Four Agreements” –
And yes what you say here is not so fabulous but yet just as good –
I too was pursuing all these ‘ego driven’ things AND I did not even know what I was missing. It is a little bit like the chicken and the egg, how do you know what you don’t know? What worries me is that she is unaware that there is another world, that there is another way to go about things. And she copied me of course as I said to SuZen.
And like you, I have to pay attention constantly because doing things differently is hard and old habits don’t give up that easily either.
In Theta Healing we were told that it is impossible to have people experience joy when they actually do not know what joy is.
You say here;
BUT . . . How do you know?
For me the biggest assurance is that at least I have people like you assisting me to pay attention when I say or do these things so in the end I will know. However that requires intimacy that we need to allow. I admire you for allowing that so we can support each other in paying attention to what that reveals.
I thank you for that because thanks to that intimacy and paying attention to what that reveals, we get a chance to grow.
My daughter is missing out right now, but her mother isn’t and neither are you and all the others who so openly share here and that is so awesome.
Much love for that, xox Wilma
We don’t know what we don’t know, but how do I know I’m not missing out? Good question. So let’s see: I haven’t missed going on vacation because of kickboxing. I haven’t missed being present at home with my husband. Kickboxing isn’t a pursuit at the expense of all other things. Like kayaking is for you, this is a fun, enjoyable thing for me. It’s good for my body, it’s good for my mind, it’s good for my emotional well being, and it keeps stress in check. Much like my other love, yoga, this is part of my self-care.
Peggy´s last blog ..Yoga At 9-300 Feet
Dear Peggy,
It is a good question as it is only in the observing that we get a chance to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ and how things can be different. I so remember doing things without actually ever questioning the motives or the how of how I did things.
It is in discovering the ‘don’t knows’ that we get to see what is possible beyond the limited options we can come up with most of the times.
I am sure that kickboxing is not an ego driven look at me thing, it sounds too much fun and too good.
xox Wilma
Wilma –
What a post.
I am a “what kind of person do you want to be “ parent… and a “It’s about the journey” person which has a way of driving my goal oriented family members a bit crazy at times. I find myself in contradiction sometimes though as I have deadlines, my daughter has homework, and therefore, goals are set and must be met. This is how life works – and yet I refuse to make it my life keeping it a factor. Often, and myself this is a US thing?, we get caught up in the schedules and time frames and desired end results and goals – it is as if we are looking through a telescope seeing just the desired end result and nothing else. Isn’t the goal to “live?”
I recently spoke with my daughter about whether or not she could do this or that to gain the love of another – the answer is no. We can’t make another love or value us. The ego might want to have us believe that love is about what we have accomplished or the status we have achieved. The ego might have a little checklist – if we do this and this and that we will have love or maintain love.
Dear TE, I am aware that when my daughter grew up I was in the same mindset as her, go figure.
I love how you and your daughter relate;
Goals are okay if they fit the bigger picture, but goals on their own are not very useful to live a great life. Goals are steps on the way, not an end in themselves as you so wonderfully point out here;
Indeed in my ‘new’ book life is to experience diverse experiences so you expand your thinking, because only in having been there and done or having seen it, you gain wisdom and an appreciation of a broader and wholesome ‘what is so’.
How wise are these words as well, I bet they come from experience;
And we might ask, where did the ego get its checklist from??????
The biggest consolation I can give myself is that at the time I did the best I could and now I know and do better my daughter can either notice that or not. I eventually did get it and that is all that matters. It is great to see how you can give your daughter a head start.
Much love, Wilma
Wilma,
Thanks for sharing your experience and for being so honest about what you at first felt. You are correct, the ego is not into intimacy and shuns love that reveals what is behind the mask. Very insightful of you to see past your ego and to understand what fueled your reaction. Transparency is truly love in action.
Mark´s last blog ..Immersion Into the Sea of Love
Dear Mark, that sounds very good to me;
Having nothing to hide, feeling safe enough to open oneself up fully, that is indeed only possible when love is present. Love opens up everything in fact, it also opens up courage and intelligence because in the transparency we get to learn about ‘what is so’, rather than expecting to be spoon-fed facts without being required to think.
If love and transparency would have been present the emperor would not have been walking around without clothes. xox Wilma
Wilma: Thanks for sharing that story. I think it was an excellent example of how we really can be the softer side of exchanges. When conversations go south and things begin to escalate, we can either choose to engage in the debate or we can choose to take things to a higher level. We can be the voice of reason and we can really soften all interactions.
Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..Guarantee A Better Tomorrow by Focusing on Today
Dear Sibyl. The issue with the ego is that it always goes to negative. It hears what is being said always as an attack, criticism or jealousy or whatever. It hardly ever is open to an honest inquiry about a wholesome ‘what is so’ that takes other viewpoints into account.
THAT is why open discussions and changing our views into alternaviews is so hard to do and that is why we are still in this mess.
The ego debates and defends, hardly ever explores and that is why things are very seldom taken to a higher level, unfortunately.
However it doesn’t need to stop us from presenting an alternaview but it needs to come from love and free will NOT from advice giving and an ego based way coming from ‘I know better’. And to keep my ego out of the way is what I have to watch here, otherwise there will be two egos going into battle and that is so what I want to avoid.
xox Wilma
Wilma: Thanks for the great response. I think that is so true and important. The ego really doesn’t explore it just defends. Once we realize this, I think it can become a little easier to not fall into the trap where our egos get out of control.
Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..Guarantee A Better Tomorrow by Focusing on Today
Hi Wilma .. this is a strong post .. it’s that balance thing in life again .. that gets presented in various ways .. the simplest one I can think of is the car .. if one wheel is flat – life bumps along very uncomfortably ..
I have to say I’m quite careful what I write in my posts .. in fact I leave my family out, usually, it’s safer – my ego may get the better of me?! My sister-in-law reads it, used to comment, and comments in emails to me .. and in fact she uses it to tell the rest of the family – my mother’s two sons – what’s going on … because that’s how they find out – lack of participation on their part; in fact Barbara often corrects their perceptions based on the comments at the end of each post!
People will respect your daughter more if she can get off her bandwagon of woe is me .. I have so much work to do .. etc etc and she’ll lose her friends ..
It takes a lot to realise that we are just us .. and the sooner we accept it and make the necessary adjustments to a better life – the better. I have struggled through life and wish I’d had some guidance – that achievement is not all (or lack of in my case) .. but still striving to be the best and in control of all things I was doing .. not good … perhaps suggest she joins a club committee, which she enjoys and can therefore use her professional skills at the voluntary level … wish I’d done that way before I was 45!
When I talk to youngsters/ young adults .. I always look at another picture .. and push ideas out .. which they can take on board or not .. get their thoughts thinking in a different way …
I’d say, per Aysel, that if we don’t have intimacy in childhood, because our parents have challenges, then we will take those traits with us .. certainly that’s true in my case .. and therefore not being able to develop those caring relationships where thoughts and anxieties of personal life come in .. & your comment to Aysel .. that if we learn that intimacy, but then leave behind those that are not on the same path .. that too is difficult to deal with .. as I full well know.
I’d have loved to have known or realised or accepted (because obviously we know) .. we only have one life and we need to live it to the full and be happy and be full of joy .. which transfers to others ..
Thanks Wilma .. and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the comments .. must off to pack some more! Go well .. have a good week ..with a hug .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Could this be a sitcom – or a break out sitcom Ever had a one word – at a time – conversation Fish and Chips – how do you spell it
Dear Hilary,
It would be great if we could live life like that from day one, I do agree. However it is a huge consolation to realize that as we all only have this moment of NOW, there is nothing lost as I can live like that today!!!!!!!!! That in the end matters.
I agree, all we can do is put another view forward and see if it gets heard or not. Better still, I hope that my daughter will see the changes I have made, because nothing beats seeing someone walking their talk.
About intimacy, it sure is a something to be developed IN an environment where it is respected and again in this society where the ego based thoughts are over-developed intimacy has little chance as we all have experienced. However we have a choice as adults to develop intimacy once we have gotten a taste AND that has consequences. As we start to be different from our old contexts we can out grow them. We can choose several ways to deal with that; Break our relationship with that context, accept the context for who they are and do not make them wrong for who they are or battle with them and try to fix them. The last option is usually not the most productive one.
However it all starts with paying attention and becoming aware. From there it is how we make sense of what is going on and how do I deal with the consequences of what I am seeing and learning. THAT is why support on a program like WomenLikeMe for example is so important.
Thanks as always for your ponderings, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma
This was a fascinating read indeed, so raw and real. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly as you always seem to do.
I have to tell you, I knew that my parents for example never read my work. Well, one day when my mom did decide to go on the site and read, it lead to a very unpleasant situation to say the least. I won’t explain, but what I am saying is I totally understand this particular “fear” or better put “cautiousness” that we have when we lay it all out. On the site, I get to be really honest, really me and say what it is that is within my heart or mind. Out closest ones do not always realize that part of us, as they see us through their often “Ego-based” lens.
Today however, I am not afraid anymore. When I write I realize that I am making myself open and at the same time vulnerable to those I know and strangers. People are free to make what they choose of my writing and what I have to say, and I have to, or better yet I choose to be okay with that.
As for your daughter, the first thing that comes to my mind is the work I have read/heard from Neale Donald Walsch and Abraham Hicks on the art of allowing.
We definitely may not always like what the other is doing, saying, being, but when we learn that it does not have to affect us, that their highs or lows do not have power over us, we can allow them to be and express themselves however they choose.
I know from a mother’s perspective this may not always (if ever) be easy to sit by and observe when inside you know what the particular outcome may be. But love is also allowing the other to have their experience and be okay with the outcome as not to infringe on their own free will.
And yes, we may think but what if the other is acting from a place of unconsciousness, shouldn’t it be our job to step in and “help” them or “save” them from their own perhaps “blindness” – and to make a long story short, not necessarily. We never know what the bigger purpose is for all that we see before us.
So I wish you love, lots of love Wilma. No matter what you are loved by your daughter no matter what path she chooses, or whether she is even conscious of that or not. See her higher being and know that all is well.
Evita Ochel´s last blog ..Unity’s Path Reading for July 2010
Hi Evita, Oh dear
What an example of how easily people go into a bad space when things open up instead of staying covered up. How will we ever get to know each other and support each other’s growth when we cannot cope with transparency??????
And yes I do admire you for going beyond that and doing what you say here;
I too have to go beyond that and walk the talk while paying attention always as it is so easy to slip back.
I love what you say here;
It is good to feel supported in what I am saying here; “I am not fazed now I know what is going on. I am not pushing, I am listening and supporting her as much as I can on her terms BUT I am not getting fooled by her OR my ego.”
As we are transitioning into a more intimate, more accepting AND allowing world it is so cool to have this supportive community and your comment.
All is well indeed, thanks Evita, much love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I love your honesty and sharing…I think all parents have been there with one child or another at one time or another. It’s easy to get sucked in to “who is where they are supposed to be on their path.” I think because we want the best for our kids.
I personally don’t know what is best for my kids, their spouses, or my grandkids. It helps to remember we are who we are today because of the rocky road we took over the course of our lives. I need to see beyond the illusion of right and wrong. I don’t need to figure anything out. I don’t know what anything is for. I only know the story I tell myself.
I agree ego doesn’t like intimacy. Because we are all one we only need to keep loving ourselves. All is well.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..NoWordz Photography and Caroline Manrique
HI Tess, yes I am over ‘looking good’ and pretending I know it all; thank goodness. At least it allows me to have an honest look at what is going on without getting tripped up and I get support for my thinking . . . like this;
I know and I know that a few years ago I role modeled what she is now role modeling back, no surprises there. And indeed, it is her road.
It has been interesting though to observe how far I have come and how good it is not to get caught up in the right or wrong conversation anymore. I also do not have to pretend not to see anything about my daughter’s life because I cannot cope. I see, I cope and yes;
Thanks my friend, love and all is well, xox Wilma
I hope your daughter will keep in heart a little fun, and in that place have a picture of your smiling face. It seems I made many errors in my young ways, and those I had to learn on my own, but I feel like she knows deep down the fun and closeness you offer.
It’s funny how we get a little surprised by family reading our blog. I love it, but have the same reaction, as in – did I say anything??
Of course, I didn’t and I love that my family and (recently), an old teacher from high school, reads my blog. It makes me feel proud and accomplished.
You have everything to be proud of Wilma. Your blog is a warm cup of tea, next to a hot fire, where we can all talk openly, without our egos spying on us.
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..The Cross Dressing Elvis makes a Move
Dear Angelia, your words of encouragement are sweet and thank you.
I know we all have to live our lives how we see fit however I am sure that we all could fly a lot sooner if we and I mean WE, the whole of humanity can get their head around intimacy. Teachers, friends, parents, if the whole lot would NOT be afraid of really listening and really noticing and sharing, we would all be more capable of taking things in that are good for us. I am not solely responsible for how my daughter thinks although a big part of me is as I learned exactly what she learned.
Until somebody dares to be intimate and shares what is really there to see “that the emperor has no clothes on”, and dares to face all all the consequences that that will bring, we are all still pretending that the old way is the only and best way.
There will be consequences when we expose the way we all pursue success, money and security BUT someone has to do it and I am at least doing it in my own life and facing the consequences of a daughter making the mistakes I made.
However I do love your kind words of love, much love to you too and YOUR wonderful daughter, you did well. xox Wilma
HI Wilma,
You are so so right o target with the Ego and love dont mix bit. From personal experience I know I used to have had a similar hot and cold relationship with my mum…for the very reason you mentioned. When I work too hard and take up too much, she will gently tell em to take it easy..and in my then inflated ego, I will get upset and tel her, I know better. But, now..when she tells me in all her love, i listen. I understand and I do implement. Cause believe it or not…mothers do know best
In time your daughter will come to accept your loving nudges…but for now, just Love her…she will come around.
Lots of love and huge hugs to you,
Z~
Dear Z. Great to have you back and well settled in your greener pastures.
Well, I do not know if I do best, what I got to see is that what I said to Angelia, we as mothers have to intimately face the wholesome ‘what is so’ of ourselves when we are confronted with our loved ones. I do not want to fix her but I am intimately observing and daring to face what I am seeing and how it reflects back on me. I bought into that as well and now I can see in a mirror, my daughter’s life, how awful it looks I have to do something. I have to change and then my daughter can see in me the changes if she wants to or not. That I cannot influence.
Oh Z, when will we see that the emperor has no clothes on, that life how we are being taught is NOT how it is best for us and the planet and what is more when will we intimately support each other in making the change. We need each other’s intimate attention so they can reflect back in love what they notice. I cannot notice on my own but I am finally prepared to hear and see and let others in. That is what I have gained from watching my daughter, my brother and me. Without intimacy which we are all afraid of, we will not grow and do things differently.
And isn’t it great that you have reached a certain level of intimacy with your mother, she notices and you let her in, win/win for both of you. Awesome, hugs Wilma
Wilma, this was my exact reaction when my mom told me she reads everything – but she went on and on with how proud she is and how much she loves my writing and THEN she started telling everyone about it – I was just embarrassed – I do not know why at all. I was touched, almost brought to tears, but just a bit embarrassed. I guess I did not know how my writing voice would come across to my mom who is so close to me. I am over my friends and family reading the blog but something about Moms and Dads reading our posts. It is really exactly what you explain here….I am now comfortable and happy about it – and very happy they share this part of my life. Thank you for writing this and thanks to Peter for starting the whole thing
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Farnoosh´s last blog ..Recounting my Vegan Diet- The first 20 Days
Hey Farnoosh isn’t that interesting;
If you would be close to your mom you would know, wouldn’t you?
Farnoosh, intimacy is extremely important, we all want it and yet where is it really?
It means paying attention, it means you cannot be intimate with a whole lot of people. it means noticing and sharing what you notice in that safe and loving haven of intimate relationships we hardly ever experience in our lives.
But we do not do it because we are not safe. We have all reasons to believe we are not honest, we all know that the emperor has no clothes on and we all see that nobody is telling. WHAT is that saying and how does that invite intimacy, who can you trust?
We do not realize the level of mistrust we live in, would you like to be the emperor, would you like to be the person who pretends and yet we all are the emperor and the person who pretends. Think about that and you know why we are afraid of intimacy.
Much love to you, Wilma.
Wilma, well, as I mentioned before, trying to be brave enough ( i.e. quiet my ego enough) to be in true intimacy is a big challenge for me. I have blocks with both the giving and receiving side. I am seeing it is so central to my journey now. Funnily enough, I am seeing how my spiritual studies at times have actually blocked my ability to be intimate – there is a high premium placed on solitude, and ‘finding one’s passion’ and all that, depending on which tradition/philosophy one is ascribed too, and while it is meant to help us become more intimate with ourselves (the precursor to becoming intimate with others I think), it can actually morph into a kind of ’shell’ we place around ourselves, to keep others at bay. And I became an expert at that, prior to marriage and children. So I do see now how family is my journey now, in terms of this intimacy/ego work.
And in that sense, what you have described with your daughter here is so familiar, from both sides. I have resisted my own mother this way. And even with my children so young, I have already had times where I have triggered their resistance to me when I can see something they cannot. On the other hand, I walked the same path as your daughter for many years. And in retrospect, spending so many years developing my own personal power played a big part in my overall growth. I had to break through that, and let go of it at a certain point, but I did learn a lot from it. It is so hard to know, when we sense another’s unhappiness and can see what it stems from, to simply let it play itself out.
Thanks for such a heartfelt and honest post once again XOXO – Lisa
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Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..Helena Blavatsky – Mother of New Age Thought
Dear Lisa. What you say here is essential, in this current time we all have to find our own way to who we are, how difficult that might be for others to allow that to happen.
I can see that her own journey is important for my daughter and thank you for describing it that way.
And it is no wonder that we all have to find our own way as at the moment there is no collective wisdom that we can confidently and trustingly transfer into our daily living. We are all taught things we in our core do not agree with because we all intuitively know that in daily life we are NOT living how we could be living. Neither did I, so what example did I give my daughter and what authority have I gained by living like that in the past and then to expect her to accept my current alternative.
Why would she believe my different story all of a sudden?????? She is hanging on to the one she grew up with and how can I expect her to see that there is another way in a blink of an eye??????
I do agree she now needs to work it out for herself but I can still offer her gently another point of view even if she rejects that right now. Like you she might go looking somewhere else and that is perfect too.
I can see all that and as I can see the wholesome ‘what is so’ I do not beat myself up or dominate her with my opinion. For that I am grateful.
Thanks for your validation, it all needs to play itself out and it serves me to carefully pay attention and learn from my observations what role I have played. This honest observing is serving me extremely well, it is being intimate with what is happening, it is sharing intimately what is happening so I can get all your input and together we can grow. That is the only way to learn.
That is what I mean with this post and thank you for sharing back. If my ego driven thoughts would still be in charge, I would not be sharing like this, no way would I intimately come clean. I would be afraid of all your opinions and would feel I would lose respect. I would keep up appearances, but what for??? I am learning a lot from my honest observing and your feedback and obviously so do you. I agree we can all hide behind ‘knowledge’, but in the end how we live our lives is where we show our real wisdom, don’t we?
In this intimacy we all will recognize our wholesome ‘what is so’ and then we can move on. Much love and I appreciate you, Wilma