My brother recently confessed that he ‘secretly‘ reads my blog?!
WHAT?! However I ’secretly’ thought straight away; “O hell, did I write anything compromising?”
NO wonder that our closest friends and family do NOT read our blogs, when it solicits these reactions. I panicked and my brother obviously felt as if he has done a dirty deed AND that when nobody did anything wrong. Having got over my first fright I love having my brother read my blog; “hi Peter, I love seeing you here!”
But what was going on?
What went on is the result of the fact that the ego hates intimacy and resists it at all cost. THAT was what happened.
I’d say the ego is doing that for a good reason though.
Intimacy is Love-in-action.
Love makes you pay attention, love has you being present to whom is in front of you and the ego knows that intimacy means someone is getting too close for comfort.
The ego knows it is in danger of having its cover blown, having its underlying selfish, dishonest agenda exposed and therefore the ego resists love and intimacy.
It is quite obvious when you honestly observe what is going on. When you really are Love and pay attention you cannot help but notice a whole lot of things about people.
The issue is that the ego is NOT comfortable with that at all, the ego does not want to expose anything to anybody. Neither can the receiving ego cope with what is revealed.
Lisa, Mommymystic mentioned it in one of her comments; we feel vulnerable when honest observing comes into play and I agree.
As Love goes beyond the ego’s facade, the ego will feel attacked and will attack back or go into defense; being lovable is the last thing it wants to be; it becomes nasty and in doing that love and intimacy is being rejected.
One of my daughter’s ego is currently smelling a rat and is therefore resisting my love and my being intimate with her.
Her ego has got it sussed. She landed an amazing job and is now on a seven year journey to qualify to the highest level after already 3 university degrees. Her ego is very proud of what she has done so far and that she will become a very wealthy and powerful woman in her field. Her mother is very proud too and yet not totally fooled by her success. Yes, she is an amazing clever young woman, yes she has achieved something amazing but where is her ‘life’?
I love her, so I observe her and see beyond the ego. Instead of happiness I hear in her conversations the underlying boredom now that the challenge is gone and only one long straight road ahead is left. I let her talk and listen beyond her pretenses. I hear that deep down she feels stuck and confined but there is no way she is going to openly say that.
Instead she is stroppy and easily irritated. I do not take this personally and do my best to keep my ego out of it.
Here is my proud daughter who has done amazing things to get where she is and now her success has become her prison. She cannot see her way out, seven years of study is a long time and what her heart-centered self wants is to explore the world now.
She longs to travel, she aches to play and yet she locked herself in.
My Love observes; this is very serious, she is on the road to become an empty albeit wealthy shell; blow that damn career.
I phone her, gently proposing some immediate adventures to give her some sense of fun back.
One weekend we have a great time swimming and walking. She talks about her jealousy when yet another friend moves overseas. I talk about more adventures together and her having a holiday in Nepal or Jordan. I even dare to mention she could take longer to get qualified. Seven years is the minimum but nobody says you have to do it in that time. You can take 30 years, nobody would care. But her ego does care, it wants to achieve qualification in record time.
After my casually proposing more adventures, she withdraws, gets irritable and unlovable. It is time for me to go. Love and intimacy nicely thwarted by ego.
She loves kayaking; I do not give up, after some weeks I say; “let’s go kayaking.” She reacts enthusiastically and I give her a membership to a kayak club.
I email her to make a time to use that membership but I get fobbed off. When I phone I get the brunt of a foul mood. She apologizes later and yet, I am not allowed near, no she has no time to do fun things .
I am being kept at arm lengths as her ego knows that I am not impressed with its agenda that prevents my daughter to have a life.
I am not fazed now I know what is going on. I am not pushing, I am listening and supporting her as much as I can on her terms BUT I am not getting fooled by her OR my ego.
My ego wants to feel hurt, my ego wants to make it a drama that I can not come close.
My heart-centered self is patient, it is not about forcing her to see it my way, it waits and when she is ready I am there.
In the meantime I am gently letting her know that I am hearing all she is saying without judgment and expectations. I let her know she is safe, despite the fact that her ego justifiably feels my company is dangerous.
I am Love-in-action by paying attention. I am carefully observing and biding my time that will come BUT the ego is no longer able to fool me.
I recently observed it in my brother’s comment and I observed it with my daughter; the ego and love and intimacy do NOT mix.