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Wilma’s friends on Captaining our own Life
Learning to be a captain can be tiring.
On this Monday’s post; Allow yourself to be lovable and shine I argued the case for us to become strong basecamps and how important it is that we captain our own Life first and then we can become a leader for our family. Being captain is no longer the prerogative of men, times are changing and with that the need for everyone, women and men alike to accept the responsibility of being our own captains on our own life voyage. We need to start learning to think and act from our own inner indigenous power.
This is easy to say, but as Dorothy shared very challenging to embrace in daily life. Dorothy’s experience was one of;
I’ve been forced to, very reluctantly, take the captaincy of my ship. I struggled and fought with it and screamed into the wind, but ultimately the wind tore the words out of my mouth and carried them away. I was left with a battered ship amid an empty ocean which scared the hell out of me.
It took weeks and months of sitting with it and grieving before I slowly began to come to terms that I was IT – the only one who was responsible for how my and my children’s lives turned out from now on. My “selfishness” is keeping me intact, getting me stronger, so I can be not only a basecamp, but also a container for my children.
I’m sure Dorothy, that you and I are not alone in being reluctant to take the captaincy of our respective ships. I for one never really noticed for a long time that I was not even steering. It is indeed at first a scary thought that we are IT, always.
The opposite can happen as well, our authority as captain can be taken away from us as The Exception describes here;
I have been the captain of my family from the get go – a position I have enjoyed. The challenge came when my daughter’s father and his wife (who didn’t know about our daughter until last April) decided to attempt to take the wheel. Suddenly I was a captain with a boat but no one was really driving; no one was at the wheel. . .It took me a while to remember that I captain my boat. That I could practice what I believe.
From the place of being captain, it all makes perfect sense that we be ’selfish’, that we look at and take care of ‘ME’ first. Leading our family means there is a lot at stake here and being ’selfish’, taking care of ourself needs to come FIRST. For many of us that will take some unlearning.
Not only is there the unlearning required to let go of our ‘learned’ martyr tendencies to always put others first but there is as Joy shares a whole set of new skills to learn, the skills to ‘captain our Life’;
In life, I was always content to be the passenger.. I never even considered captaining my own journey let alone anyone else’s… I would think wow that looks like a nice direction but I would let others navigate and be content with wherever that took me.
Then.. then one day a friend suggested since I loved sailing, why wouldn’t I learn to captain.. what, *me* captain??? how could I when I couldn’t even captain my life.. As I learned captaining boats, I learned how to captain my life..
Now that I live on the boat, the boat and I have parallel journeys.. I had to overhaul her from the inside out, just as I had to overhaul *me* from the inside out.
For Joy the way forward has been to learn from captaining boats how to captain her life.
For TE it meant learning to find her voice;
I learned to find my voice . . . . It took me a while to remember that I captain my boat. . . . . To date, I am back at the wheel with the two families chartering different courses and traveling on very different seas. . . . My daughter has a rock in the form of her mom and the boat has a captain that is willing to open her heart and rise above when the opportunity arises
TE, that you are a rock for your daughter because you captain the ship after finding your voice is a beautiful declaration.
I’ve learned how to captain my life by practicing the skills of being in-integrity that WomenLikeMe teaches. I also agree with Joy, it is in the doing that we get to learn and I can so imagine that your sailing has been a beautiful context in which to learn ‘being in charge’.
And yes Dorothy, in many cases we are IT; unskilled as we might be, reluctant as we may feel, and difficult as it seems in the short term, taking responsibility and becoming leaders of our life is the way out from being ‘confused women’, discontent with being just passengers or being pushed to the side.
However do not think for one minute that you have to figure it out on your own, or that you have to be on your own while you are learning the role of captain. As I keep saying, you cannot do it by yourself for yourself, let’s learn together.
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12 Comments to “Wilma’s friends on Captaining our own Life”
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Hi Wilma! My neighbor across the street (85) went into a nursing home 2 weeks ago. Her daughter (60) who lives 4 hrs away had not come up to see her since her husband died (almost 2 yrs ago) finally put on her big girl panties and drove up to see her mother! She “couldn’t” drive this far alone. Her husband always did the driving etc etc etc. What a case of not being a captain, eh? I was really afraid her mom would die without seeing her – and all because of some mysterious fear. I’ll tell you, its amazing the lives some women have! Heaven help me if I ever become that immobilized by fear of rowing my own boat!
I’ll bet you this discussion is helping a lot of women look at their lives differently – even if they don’t admit it
hugs
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..Over The Counter Toxicity
Dear SuZen, yes it is sad how fear is holding us back, fear we are often not even aware of as it is invisibly interwoven in our lives. The things we miss out on are numerous, most of us could live such a richer life if we were not so limited by one thing or another.
There is a lot of fear around, fear of flying, fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of being poor, it seems we are all afraid of something and as long as we are, we are not going very far and as a captain we will not go beyond a certain point. It is hard to imagine that people once thought the world was flat and what a courage those early sailors must have had to go beyond the horizon not really knowing if they would fall off the earth or not. We are still in the same position really, although our fears are aimed at different things. Your example did illustrate this well, what are we missing out on because of our fears and how that influences how far we will steer our ship.
Much love to you, Wilma
I think that this could apply to men as well in that I know plenty of men who are willing to sit back and let their wives drive the boat – and if not their wives then their fears… and that is who we are all really letting drive the boat – our fears or our insecurities.
The Exception´s last blog ..Notes on Happiness
Dear TE, sure we are all confused, men and women alike and I totally agree that our fears and insecurities are interfering with how we captain our lives.
I think a great deal of us are so confused, we have no idea what to think or how to do life, so we follow the crowd and listen to fear mongery. John and i do not have much media contact, but it is amazing to see how information seeps in. And it is all build around bad news, there is never a great solution on offer about the issues that are facing the world. So how can we individuals think we can steer our boat safely when whole countries can’t. I am so grateful I am seeing a way out, there is a way forward to a solution and it is definitely not at the level the problem is created at. It does require doing things differently, not coming from fear or confused insecurity, it comes from love and acting from integrity and collaboration rather than hierarchy and that includes men as well. Until then we need to pay attention and learn, xox Wilma
How does this happen? A couple of ways perhaps. When we are small, people second guessing us, always finding fault with our decisions will make it feel safer to not make any decisions that affect others. Or we marry people who want to be in charge and they second guess us…
It involves more personal responsibility, but is worth it to make our own decisions and captain our own ships. Our ships can travel with other ships, it doesn’t have to be a solo voyage, and as you say we don’t have to figure out everything on our own. We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness and the course of our lives. Well done Wilma!
Erin S´s last blog ..Youth Groups
Dear Erin, I agree there have been so many ways we have lost captainship, there is hardly anything that encourages us to think for ourselves and do things uniquely. Uniformity is what is on offer, as we as a crowd are easier to manage that way.
It is all about quantity and uniformity, not quality and uniqueness; and we are not encouraged to think so we can do things our way. That has grown apathy, indifference and a tendency to follow a leader with usually the biggest mouth. So we all act like sheep and lost interest in the role of captain.
The sad bit is that we do follow a leader but I do not see much respect for the leaders we follow. THAT is scary as well and of course let all these disasters happen. The leaders we should follow, like our heart and God are also no longer respected in a way they deserve.
We are indeed at a time where we are seeing a glimpse of how little we take responsibility and I guess until we pay attention we will see more and more disasters as we let them happen because of our apathy.
I do agree, becoming a captain doesn’t mean becoming a tyrant, it means becoming a leader who knows the course and how to collaborate.
Thank you Erin, for questioning what is going on, much love, Wilma
Kia ora Wilma,
I agree with the comment by Exception. It was not until my own beautiful and brave partner decided to Captain her own ship, that I realized I myself had been just drifting letting it all happen to my own Ship. We each do Captain our own Ships, and I am still learning how to steer it. The best part for me in that is that even though it is mine, and Tara’s is hers, we seem to find ourselves together in calmer waters for much longer periods till the next storm arrives. Kia kaha my friend.
Aroha,
Robb
Robb´s last blog ..Cloud Hidden
Kia Ora Robb. Isn’t it beautiful to see a competent captain at work and good on you to notice that and follow her lead. Being one’s own captain doesn’t indeed mean that you cannot collaborate, however you know when to take the wheel and when to let go of command. How wonderful is that be together in calmer waters and be aligned on your course. Because once you know where you are heading you can get alignment with others who are sailing with you; otherwise it is drifting as you so astutely say and you end up wherever you end up. Ah yes storms, however they will become lesser of a problem once you get to see them coming once you can read the ‘weather report’ as TE also indicated. Kia kaha dear Robb, Aroha, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma .. what a lovely post and eye-opening comments .. so simple, when we know that we need to captain, we need to take ourselves forward and do the best for our family or ourselves, if alone.
I get driven nutty by people who can’t do things for themselves .. but then I suspect I drive people nutty because I’m so independent! Still I get to drive my own ship – erratically in the storms at the moment, but I’m the only one who can sort it out.
I do think we need to ask for help sometimes and we don’t do that enough .. perhaps the next generation will … we’re talking and you’ve a lot of younger readers .. as there are on the net, who such wonderful grounded ways of looking at things .. this openness is spreading. I admire so many ..
Thanks Wilma .. captaining our own life is important and keeping those standards, so the plimsoll line remains where it should be .. with some hugs Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..A Century of Aces Afghanistan to Zimbabwe
Dear Hilary, in the end we are all alone and yet we aren’t as we are all connected. There are married people who feel more alone than Robinson Crusoe felt, I am sure.
Good for you to be so capable in taking action when it is needed, even so that is not a given but a great skill to have. Yes, we are still prone to storms as Robb also mentioned as in this time people at large are still creating havoc in which we all get caught up in.
And yes, you are the only one who can sort it out and you doing a marvelous job.
Absolutely, we need to learn to ask as we want to collaborate and a captain also needs to be able to ask the crew to take care of things when they come up.
In this day and age where we are constantly urged to save money, to make sure we can look after ourselves, we have forgotten the skill to ask, the skill to share and asking sure has gotten a bad press.
All these things are intertwined and will change once we are changing our current disastrous outlook on how we people should behave to one another and nature.
Keeping standards is another important thing, that is linked with being in-integrity and although standards can change, keeping them is the key.
Much love to you and the hugest best wishes with your move. xox Wilma
Thanks Wilma .. I’m coping just – and the move is now next week thank goodness .. after a visit to the hospital with Mum yesterday – my brother was down to visit my mother and I thought he’d take over and do the decent thing and go with her .. no such luck – so I spent the afternoon with her at the hospital. She was fine – I was there .. and is secure in that knowledge. She’s back at the Home .. the feeding tube came out – but all is well now.
Today is now a day of packing etc .. clearing .. and being the captain of our ship .. thanks so much for your replies here – they’re all supportive and encouraging .. just what I need now .. Hope all is well with you and your search etc .. with hugs and love Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..A Century of Aces Afghanistan to Zimbabwe
Dear Hilary. Yes, what the decent thing is in your eyes might not be so in your brother’s eyes. Most of the time people do not pay attention to how they could contribute and add value, so your brother probably didn’t even notice how he could contribute and as always was his capable sister not doing fine?
Oh Hilary, you take care, thanks for asking about our search which is interesting as we get to visit places we would not have otherwise but no results yet.
Much love, xox Wilma