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Allow yourself to be lovable and shine.
Let us strong women captain our boat, we can do it!
Since I have become a strong basecamp, my relationships are flourishing and so am I.
My children no longer can give me grief even if they still do not behave greatly under my ex-husband’s disruptive influence.
I am no longer bending over backwards, taking all the blame and responsibility feeling everything is my fault. I am no longer confused and at the mercy of circumstances; I have seen my martyrdom behavior for what it is – manipulative and ineffective – and thus I AM free to love myself, be lovable and shine.
I worked hard to be able to behave this way and it has been worth every penny and every minute.
I learned that equipping myself and giving up misguided behavior like martyrdom was the biggest favor I could have done to myself and anybody else in my life, my erratic ex included, although he may never realize this.
When the America’s cup yacht races were held here in New Zealand some years ago I saw their basecamps from close by. They were impressive and no wonder their charges performed well . . . and they in the end were only playing a sport!!!!
But you and me are doing ‘real’ life, you and me too are having the responsibility for a ‘team’ , a team called ‘family’, so how come for years I was satisfied with being badly equipped?
Champion sport performers equip themselves to their eyeballs to perform to their best.
I have taken their lead and decided to equip myself to the eyeballs as well, hence my metaphor of strong basecamp to have me and my family perform at our best too.
For most of my life I played the role of martyr, allowing others to plunder and abuse an already badly put together basecamp; “ME”.
I know for sure that none of those sailors in the America’s Cup would have gone to sea supported by such a weak basecamp and its basecamp would also have spoken up demanding what it needed so it could function better.
But not me, no wonder that I had trouble keeping my boat, called family, afloat.
I took responsibility after responsibility on board thinking nothing of it and before I knew it I was out of my depth big time.
I was falling apart and so was my family.
All I could think to do though was row my boat faster, but that didn’t help of course, being nicer to the crew made no difference either nor did ‘doing drama’ save anybody when the boat was sinking.
What would have gotten us out of trouble and safely ashore would have been a well equipped and lovable basecamp giving firm and clear guidance.
And let’s face it, no sailor likes to sail under a weak captain who cannot command the boat.
It confuses the crew and can even lead to mutiny.
Confused women do not know how to be good captains, how to give commands and tell the crew what is expected of them.
Your second in command, your husband also needs to know what course you are sailing, what is needed for a good trip; it pays to tell him how to support his captain so the crew won’t resist commands. Alas I as a martyr was not inclined to share responsibility. I would rather work harder on my own, have exhaustion make good decisions impossible and put the whole ship in danger of going under.
A good basecamp is like a good captain, she can make or break the trips we take in life.
There are a lot of skills a female captain needs to learn, there are a lot of things a female captain needs to unlearn.
The first step is to commit to unlearn unserving behavior like martyrdom or victimhood.
Misguided behavior can be disguised in many forms; they might look good on the outside but are always terribly ineffective.
Many of us need help with this first step to see how misguided our behavior is and how that leaves us badly equipped.
That first step also includes seeing that we need to do things differently that will cost money and even more demand ‘ME’ time to keep our ship from sinking.
Yes, I refer to SELF-care and inner growth; yes I mean seriously investing in yourself and knowing that that is love-in-action, to have you be lovable and make you shine like strong basecamps are supposed to.
If you need more encouragement, last week Peggy Nolan and I did a radioshow exposing martyrdom and its tricky disguises.
Let’s acknowledge that we cannot do it for ourselves by ourselves as Feminine Power tells us. We need other women.
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28 Comments to “Allow yourself to be lovable and shine.”
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Oh Wilma.
This post so explains my life..
In life, I was aways content to be the passenger..I never even considered captaining my own journey let alone anyone else’s…I would think wow that looks like a nice direction but I would let others navigate and be content with wherever that took me.
Then..then one day a friend suggested since I loved sailing, why wouldn’t I learn to captain..what, *me* captain??? how could I when I couldn’t even captain my life..As I learned captaining boats, I learned how to captain my life..
Now that I live on the boat, the boat and I have parallel journeys..I had to overhaul her from the inside out, just as I had to overhaul *me* from the inside out…someone told me this awe-some piece of wisdom…when the foundation of your home is cracked you can plaster over it, but that doesn’t make it stronger..and one day when you least expect it will crumble…but if you patiently fix the crack, and allow for building one strong bit at a time, you may face weather down the road but your foundation is strong and will hold..
I wanted to cut corners with my boat, sometimes I wanted to cut corners with my personal inner work, but one step at a time, I learned the right way to allow for unfolding..it is an amazing journey, and I now love Living Fully…
Joy´s last blog ..Fearless Fun Friday- Release…
Dear Joy, yes I too know it well, drifting and letting others be the captain often for the wrong reasons.
I love the sailing and boat metaphor as in that world it makes sense to steer the boat well and have good equipment AND have a good leader.
This is so well said; someone told me this awe-some piece of wisdom…when the foundation of your home is cracked you can plaster over it, but that doesn’t make it stronger..and one day when you least expect it will crumble…but if you patiently fix the crack, and allow for building one strong bit at a time, you may face weather down the road but your foundation is strong and will hold..
Yes, we are the foundation of our own and our family’s life and yet I too hardly ever thought about it that way and prepared myself.
Oh how misguided was I to think that making a strong foundation was selfish or whatever. It is a necessity and as you say living life fully is not just serving us but everybody else as well.
Now more than ever while we are moving from one era into the next. Much love and peace, Wilma
Wilma,
I think there is real beauty in seeing anyone – man or woman – take the helm and set direction to their life. That doesn’t mean we always get it right (or perhaps there is some “right-ness” that we don’t see in the moment). And that’s okay. It’s all taking us closer to what speaks from our heart.
I applaud you for not only tackling this in your own life, but also in sharing this with so many others – and for giving others a glimmer of hope and direction…in living more true to their being.
Much love,
Lance
Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day
Dear Lance, that is it, it is a beautiful sight to see when someone shows that inner confidence from the heart. When you pay attention you can see it for what it is, NOT arrogance or the ego strutting its stuff, but the heart guiding benevolently and confidently and lovingly a Life. As you say, what a sight. I agree, the path is no longer right or wrong, but is a movement with many other elements involved that we cannot yet see but not one to be fearful of.
According to John many people are afraid of the ocean for example but once you know the ocean, be one with it, it is actually a very safe place, safer than being in traffic.
Oh Lance, it is such a joy to share this with like minded people, we all contribute to the whole of a new earth.
Much love to you too and your wonderful journey, xox Wilma
Hello Wilma,
I believe you came into my life for just this reason, to help me understand the need for and build a strong basecamp. When I first came across your blog I enjoyed it, but it didn’t really speak to me. It is only recently that I’ve understood what you are writing about. I’ve been forced to, very reluctantly, take the captaincy of my ship. I struggled and fought with it and screamed into the wind, but ultimately the wind tore the words out of my mouth and carried them away. I was left with a battered ship amid an empty ocean which scared the hell out of me.
It took weeks and months of sitting with it and grieving before I slowly began to come to terms that I was IT – the only one who was responsible for how my and my children’s lives turned out from now on. My “selfishness” is keeping me intact, getting me stronger, so I can be not only a basecamp, but also a container for my children. Being so young, they need me to contain them, their emotions and their own struggles. They keep telling me they hate me, perhaps that means that I am strong enough to take it and not buckle under their blows.
It’s funny, I just realised that both boys have become increasingly more violent and emotional, as I’ve felt calmer and stronger. It must mean that they feel safer and know that I will contain their anger. I think….
Thanks, Wilma….
Dorothy´s last blog ..Things I learnt from Facebook
Hi Dorothy, Thanks for hanging in there and letting this blog grow on you. I appreciate what you are saying here;
Unfortunately it is still a crisis that really propels us into looking how we can do things differently. It happened to many of us, marriage breakdowns, health scares have been the ‘common’ crisis that made most of us wake up to the wholesome ‘what is so’ and take over the reins of our own lives. So welcome on this journey and let me tell you that you are doing great because of what you so astutely express here;
YES Dorothy, you have always been IT, the difference is that now you know it and are ready to take on that responsibility. There is always ever only ME, even in a relationship you are still ME. That currently we cannot collaborate in relationships is because we do not know how and still keep the ME intact.
Your boys are confused too, of course they have an opinion about what is happening, my girls were angry too and yes it was good that they could express that. It served my daughters well when they could tell me that I was to blame for everything and that I let them vent it. And when the point comes to stop that behavior you know that too, because you are no longer keeping that blame in place by misplaced feelings of your own guilt and confusion. Once you have indeed learned to be strong, you can guide them away from this anger and confusion, like you have guided yourself to be strong and deal with the situation. Keep honestly observing and paying attention and keep working on yourself Dorothy, it all will pass AND you will have used this to become strong and powerful.
In the meantime, hang in there, I send you lots of love and thanks for being open to listen. We have the future in our own hands and together we can make it a great one for everybody. xox Wilma
Dear Wilma,
It was so much fun having you on the show last week! The conversation is so necessary to keep having, over and over and over again until…a tipping point in the collective consciousness
I appreciate your wisdom and your willingness to share.
Love,
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..The Joy of Nature
Dearest Peggy, it is great that you have established yet another channel to get the message out there that things have to change and we are IT to do it. Nobody will change anything but ME; if I desire to become the change that I desire to see, I have taken the chance to change the world into one that really serves us human beings to flourish.
I agree, we need to hear it over and over again until we commit to make the effort to change. After committing we then will find the appropriate path to learn how to do things differently.
Your radio shows, your ‘yoga under the stars’ retreat, your writing, your commitment to your own continuous growth, your participation in WomenLikeMe, your commitment to change shines and is a real contribution.
Much Love, Wilma
Wilma, it’s just after a lunch rendez-vous for me when a successful friend in sales was telling me all her struggle to stay happy in an environment where everyone is driven to competition to the point of crushing other co-workers and sacrificing everything to make their numbers. An environment I cringe at today but used to wonder about a few years ago when I still had some corporate ambition running through my blood. I wonder how much more she might benefit from some of the reading I do these days especially on your site! Some of my co-workers are so very far from balance that it would take a long time to remind me what it’s like to be balanced, before finding balance for good. Thank you for reassuring me that I am on the right path……!
Dear Farnoosh, once you have distanced yourself from the ‘ego’ madness, you do wonder what is going on. Why on earth compete within a sales team that ultimately should work together for the same outcome, have the company and the people within thrive? But no, we not only attack the outside, we attack each other as well.
This clearly shows again that the ego of course cannot collaborate, it is out to stay separate and to keep competing and attacking.
Ultimately it served the status quo to have our own ego keep us separate; divide and rule is the current hierarchical model in this era to keep us in line and they taught us how to do this ourselves. But if you see the ego game for what it is, you indeed start to see the ludicrousy of it all. THAT is what waking up means, honestly seeing the wholesome ‘what is so’ and then being prepared to change so we can finally put our resources together rather than fight against each other. Seeing beyond this ego game is also necessary to enter the next stage of mankind, which is the age of Aquarius where collaboration is the new game.
Farnoosh, you are on the right track;
Yes it is a matter of becoming informed about what is going on AND being patient with the people who need to catch up. Insight cannot be forced, gentle guiding might however encourage it.
Love Wilma
Dear Wilma, thank you for your thorough comment – I meant to come back here earlier to read it – since I forgo to properly subscribe, so it was indeed timely to see you back on my blog. I am so happy you think I am on the right path – I am happy period so that must be a sign in itself
! Thank you for being such a gem!
Farnoosh´s last blog ..A Transfer of Passion- How I fell in Love with French
Hi Wilma! Well as usual – this is spot on! I love your choice of words “confused women” – yes, afloat but without so much as a paddle. I’ve spent a very brief time in my life like that – the result? Seasick. I couldn’t STAND it! We just aren’t meant to be adrift and I don’t know of any woman who IS adrift that is happy at all.
hugs
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..Over The Counter Toxicity
Dearest SuZen, Trust you to pick up on the confused women. I so totally agree with YOU;
I too did not like being confused at all either, it is awful and so annoying. Not knowing if you are coming or going is NOT that much fun and unfortunately for me it lasted a long time, most of my previous marriage actually; sigh.
But now it is so clear to me that a lot of us are confused, we have no clue about basic living other than what is prescribed by us by advertising, education, society, family members, spouses and via ‘wonder women’ peer pressure. It is just a constant barrage on how we should live and NONE of it serves us in the end. So when we are left to steer our ships ourselves usually after disaster struck, we are totally at sea :~).
I agree wholeheartedly;
Being adrift is frightening, irritating, humiliating and many many things more that aren’t good. You know the difference once you have experienced clarity and a steady hand while on the wheel.
Hugs to you my steadfast friend, xox Wilma
Imagine if now we all assumed full responsibility to captain our lives and our ships. What a gift in your thoughts and posts this week.
There is no time like this present moment to change. To embrace our ability and chart a course and make it happen.. Thanks as always Wilma. Blessings.
Erin S´s last blog ..Youth Groups
Dear Erin, we have been given amazing abilities and amazing futures by our Creator, it is time to start living into that image of a powerful co-creator. That means we have to learn how to behave as one and how to collaborate as although we have free will, we are not alone on this planet.
Indeed;
These are exciting times, we are starting to respect what is on offer and we are starting to respect that which is beyond our mental scope at the moment. That is where faith and co-creation comes in, accepting we have a role to play but we are not the only ’stars’ in the play. Blessings to you too, love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
As parents we never owed our children perfection. That should be stamped like a tatoo on every pregnant woman so they never forget. What we do owe ourselves is loving-self care which included forgiveness. We need to be “good enough” parents and partners. I’ve always been at the helm however I was a bossy captain for years. Then I learned we’re all where we need to be today, in this moment. All is well! xo
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..It’s Time for Bold Family Lifestyle Leadership
Hi Tess, you said it in one, this is such an important skill to have as a captain;
You are spot on, it is not about perfection or doing things right. It is about learning to own our right to have a say where out lives are going. It is not about learning to become perfect, or a tyrant or a ‘know-it-all, it is all about becoming a confident loving human be-ing, who knows her own heart and mind and can collaborate in a sensible way with others around her, the universe included.
We are good enough, always, and that doesn’t mean that we do not have to pay attention to the current ‘what is so’ and see if there is anything we need to learn.
That comes from desiring a better future rather than coming from I am wrong and need to be fixed. I am learning to come from I am perfect as is AND there is a brighter future I aspire to, that feels attractive and doable and exciting, rather than a hard must do because I am bad.
Indeed, first and foremost, always all is well, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma – do you think .. you can just become the lovable person .. ie for me – without children .. but needing to forgive (myself for past digressions) but also my family, who frankly haven’t been much of a comfort recently … but I shall need to do something when Mum goes .. and I can either run or actually become lovable .. but becoming lovable will involve being with them and adhering to their ways and attitudes .. not wrong with a lot – but some will drive me nutty.
Not having other family .. it’s a tricky one .. and it puts another ‘burden’ on me having to cope with the fact .. that I have become different in my attitude, my thoughts etc .. going into the self-important den, where there is no support, compassion or empathy .. will be tricky. I guess I need to do it .. but I cannot say I’m looking forward to that aspect.
Who knows .. this basecamp in itself is secure – but it can do without being rocked again and I need to progress my own life .. without hassles, if possible.
I just need to prepare .. but I’ll be interested to hear what you say .. Personally I’ll be fine – but it’s that acceptance that I must move to their path, while adhering to my own principles without upsetting the upsettable applecart – which I can very easily do.
I’m thinking forward .. and this maybe beyond your bounds at the moment .. but I know you’ll come back with something sensible!?
Thank you .. all the best and hope the looking lark is getting somewhere? With a hug or two from here .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..A Century of Aces Afghanistan to Zimbabwe
Dear Hilary, I love your inquiring mind, good on you to keep asking your questions.
Being lovable does NOT mean being intimate with everybody, even your family.
Being lovable in your situation is forgiving them for their un-supportive behavior and accepting the fact that they do not know any better. Forgiveness means you honestly do realize they are very limited in their life skills. They only see things from a very limited perspective, their own ego and that is where they are at. Frustrating sure, AND you do NOT have to be in their company too often. You have indeed moved on, you are seeing a far bigger picture, you can see beyond the ego and there is now a huge difference between them and you. You speak another language, you live in another culture, you are no longer feeling at home in their company. That will happen to many of us who are wanting change, Gandhi too was not understood by most of his country men and his own derelict son.
Accept that and realize that you can love them from a distance but get your intimacy elsewhere. Get your support from people you do connect with at an intimate level and keep the contact with the family in a way that serves you but doesn’t disappoint you all the time or wears you out. I totally support what you say here;
It is a myth that families are close by definition, often they are NOT as we do not communicate intimately enough to make them close and I talk about that in my next post. Once we have learned a different way of relating beyond the ego, it will be another story but at the moment most families live as strangers and are only connected by birth but not by thoughts, values or actions.
Love them from a distance and do not try to fix or change it. Be who you are in a way that works for you but look for intimacy elsewhere.
It sounds awful, I know, but so be it. I trust this is useful, love and hugs Wilma
Hi Wilma – thanks for that .. and it’s a really useful to have it set out for me .. as I can back and reread it, to remind myself. I have up and down days .. usually up – but I prepare for the future and know that family will be involved and there’s an administrative matter with Mum’s flat that needs attention .. and the only one who will think about it (is) is me .. the others won’t consider it. Everything in my mother’s direction, from their pint of view, is a pain .. still as you say ‘so be it’ .. life will get easier & I just need to get through the next few weeks. Thanks for your really helpful and considered answer .. I’ll get to your next post shortly! Love and hugs – Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..A Century of Aces Afghanistan to Zimbabwe
Dear HIlary;
Yes, we still have to co-ordinate action with siblings we are not intimate with and who have no idea how things can be done collaboratively.
I understand your frustration because things could be so different, so much more loving and easier and yet people will NOT go for that, they will go for making life hard for everyone around them as well. As you already so wisely say, do not fight what is so, just accept it if you can, get upset as little as possible and be in-integrity around their being out-of-integrity and get on with things. It is awesome that you are have chosen to take so much care of your Ma and dealing with the consequences in such a forward looking way. You are NOT complaining, but paying attention what is so and learning how to deal with uncaring family members with grace and integrity. THAT is doing things differently, that is love-in-action and creating a new world beyond the ego. Hilary once more I salute you for being such a stand for doing what you belief in despite your circumstances. Huge hugs Wilma
Hi WIlma .. thanks very much for the support – it does make a difference .. in this one-sided family I seem to have – however as you say I have to take each day one day at a time, focus on the necessities and get the best out of life to get through .. the light is at the end of the tunnel .. the moving one; Mum’s tunnel will come when she’s ready.
Yesterday .. she asked if anything special had happened .. a little tricky with a one word conversation .. and a white board, and no hearing .. but she was aware and with it – quite amazing! Go well have a good weekend .. I’m into packing! Happy times .. much love and a few huge hugs .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..A Century of Aces Afghanistan to Zimbabwe
It is wonderful how your awareness has increased and how this has raised your level of joy!
Mark´s last blog ..Mr Fix-it to Mr Vulnerability
Thank you Mark, as you yourself also have noticed, paying attention and learning more useful ways of behaving is indeed wonderful. xox Wilma
Wilma –
I love the visuals here but then I am drawn to sailboats. There is something so strong and elegant about them – kind of like women – strong, able to ride the waves, and yet glorious in structure and form. I wonder what vessel men would be…
I have been the captain of my family from the get go – a position I have enjoyed. The challenge came when my daughter’s father and his wife (who didn’t know about our daughter until last April) decided to attempt to take the wheel. Suddenly I was a captain with a boat but no one was really driving; no one was at the wheel. Someone who never took an interest in the journey decided that he could take command and dismissed me as completely as he possibly could.
It took me a while to remember that I captain my boat. That I could practice what I believe – to love and release. That I do exist whether he wants me to or not.
To date, I am back at the wheel with the two families chartering different courses and traveling on very different seas. I learned to find my voice and trust in the stars and the gut feeling that warned when a storm was brewing on the horizon. My daughter has a rock in the form of her mom and the boat has a captain that is willing to open her heart and rise above when the opportunity arises, and she has a dad who has isolated himself with his wife and would happily pretend that life is great, there are no waves, and he could do it all on his own his way if given the chance.
Sometimes it requires waves to remind us and to teach us how to move forward – how to captain our boats and move forward. The boats have to weather the storms in order to confirm their strength but also to find their course.
The Exception´s last blog ..Notes on Happiness
Dear TE, sometimes metaphors are so great and I love how you use this one to describe the wholesome ‘what is so’ in your situation;
Yes, when you are a captain who can guide the boat and navigate around ‘obstacles’ you sure are a rock for your daughter and that is just awesome.
Oh TE, yes finding your course that is NOT bashing against the obstacles but gracefully sailing around them is the way to go.
Sailing boats are indeed beautiful, the one we were sailing on when we took this photo is picture perfect and has a swimming platform so you can easily get into and out of the water, bliss. Much love to you, I come sailing with you any day because I like captains with your attitude. xox Wilma
what a great story, so inspiring! i love how you put it in words. would love to be hearing more from you.
april14344 ´s last blog ..How you can find cheap car insurance in Florida