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Wilma’s friends on Honesty in relationships
Tess what do you think of my hair? Honestly?
My heart sang with the honest sharing in this Monday’s post; ‘How I got to Honesty‘. YOU shine!
It sang to me because you too felt the need to be honest with yourself first and in particular with your feelings.
Chris Edgar gave a fine example of honesty by paying attention to what he is actually feeling;
the first and biggest step toward honesty for me has been actually paying attention to what I’m feeling, rather than what I’m “supposed” to feel in a given situation
He went on to say that feeling angry when being cut off while driving is a learned, ’supposed to have’ feeling, especially for males. Chris’ honesty had him realize that he did not feel anger and I’ll agree; not feeling angry does not take away maleness and it sure is time we all get that! Go Chris go.
Dorothy too saw the need to first get honest with her feelings;
At least, right now I am honest. Honest about my feelings, about my needs and desires …
At least being honest with myself about where I’m at helps me find ways of looking after myself and dealing with the situation.
Joy recognized that she once came from a place of not being honest with herself;
I didn’t own my own space, or love myself as generously as I loved others.
While being honest with ourselves comes first, Jannie Funster picked up that there is another pattern amongst us;
my first marriage was full of dishonesty too … And wow, I’m the 4th woman here to speak about dishonesty in the first marriage.
Oh Jannie, isn’t it good to know we were not the only ones and at the same time how come we all fell into the same trap??????The stage upon which honesty plays out for many of us is our primary relationship. For example Angelia Sims shared her example and learnings;
I spent many years being dishonest with myself in my second marriage. Cowering and not rocking the boat, or standing up for myself. Now I have to honestly be glad that it taught me to truly know my feelings and be able to be honest and true with Jason. I am not afraid any more. I don’t have to be. There is nothing wrong with how I feel and I no longer have a fear that being honest will cause him to dislike me.
I think Angelia’s observation; “and I no longer have a fear that being honest will cause him to dislike me” says a lot for what is possible and desirable in honesty filled relationships. We can, like Angelia give thanks that past dealings with dishonesty have taught us to; “truly know my feelings and be able to be honest and true.”
Lisa (mommy mystic) too sees that honesty hangs out for many of us in our marriages;
Learning to be more honest has been a big theme for me too, especially in marriage. That is where it all hangs out for many of us, isn’t it? I think a key component for me in particular has been not being afraid of being vulnerable. When we are honest, and not living in a ‘role’, there is a deep vulnerability, and that is scary at first. So honesty and vulnerability are two very big working points for me right now in relationship … we have to be willing to be brutally self-honest and vulnerable.
Thanks Lisa for bringing up the question of vulnerability when we are being honest.
Are we prepared to be vulnerable? If you ask our ego, the answer is a loud and resounding “NO” and yet getting beyond our ego is a prerequisite for being honest. Once we get beyond our ego and reside within our heart-centered self, we can be vulnerable. Coming from love we can be vulnerable, as love has nothing to defend. Love cannot be attacked or hurt. Love is not vulnerable to attack, only the ego is.
Belinda Munoz shared the confusion that comes up when our egos are faced with honesty;
Honesty is an intimidating thing for many. There’s the factor of getting hurt or hurting someone. There’s the issue of appearing out-of-character if someone has waited too long to tell the truth about a specific matter. There’s the question of not knowing what happens next after letting the cat out of the bag.
Egos are intimidated by honesty, they do get hurt and definitely worry about what happens next after letting the cat out of the bag. Honesty is very dangerous to egos.
As we live in the land of egos, it is no surprise that we live in a fundamentally dishonest world and this has lots of consequences. It looks like Tess the Bold One got to experience plenty of those consequences from her comment;
I was in trouble until I was 40 for my honesty.
We probably can all identify with Tess and the trouble that comes our way when we are being honest with egos. They don’t like it, feel attacked by our honesty and defend themselves vigorously or attack back. No wonder Tess added gentleness to her honesty, however Tess, you did keep it going for a while. That says something about your boldness alright, in the past honest women got burnt, remember?
Another interesting pattern that came from the comments is how much we have contributed to dishonesty with our and our parents well meaning lessons on how to survive in life. SuZen was taught;
My mom always said “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!” It could be that message that had me stuffing my true feelings (and honesty) for decades. I know what she meant tho, and I did the same thing with my daughter.
Joy learned to survive this dishonest world;
there was a time when it mattered to me to ‘fit in’ with those around me.
Dorothy still has these issues in knowing what is best for her children;
I’m still torn about being honest with my children. Are they capable of dealing with adult grief and anger? Does it really help them deal with their own? Still, as much as I try, I cannot “be strong” for them. The more I try, the more I fail. But I wonder at what cost will this honesty come for them…
Being honest is not easy, we do not live in an honest world and there are lots of consequences to as Lisa put it; “willing to be brutally self-honest and vulnerable.”
The good news is that there are lots of benefits too from honesty;
Belinda said; The truth can be liberating. Hiding the truth never is.
Jannie said; I think that honesty is actually coming more to light as we evolve, so I am encouraged that we are progressing, and not actually getting more dishonest as a race.
Angelia said; It is empowering.
Peggy said; I’m happier and those around me are happier
The other good news is that we are seeing our way out of this dishonest world, we are building a new image to live into and in Heaven on Earth dishonesty clearly has no place.
For me, becoming honest no longer has fear attached to it, it is a skill I need in order to migrate with like I needed to learn English to migrate to New Zealand. THAT makes me committed to learn behavior and a way of thinking that has its foundation in honesty and love. I have noticed that all this sits very well with me, I am loving myself and therefore others more and more and that feels mighty good.
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17 Comments to “Wilma’s friends on Honesty in relationships”
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Hi Wilma, it was cool how you took pieces of what people have said about honesty and put them side by side in your post. I learned that if we have a big ego, it’s hard to become vulnerable because our ego is trying our best not to be hurt. But if we let go of our ego, we can become vulnerable, but instead of becoming so hurt, we become more at peace with ourselves. It takes letting go of the ego to become honest with ourselves or in our relationships and I’m glad you remind us of this in a world that’s filled with dishonesty. Thank you Wilma.
Hulbert Lee´s last blog ..Interview with Jean Berg-Sarauer Introduction Series
Hi Hulbert, yes the ego has a lot to answer for and you are spot on that the ego is a big coward, very afraid of getting hurt alright. When you are love, you have compassion and never can get hurt, that is the real dichotomy we find ourselves in with those egos of ours. Honesty doesn’t have to hurt but in a dishonest world honesty does.
Honesty is a means by which we can learn, when Farnoosh honestly gave you feedback that was coming from real interest in you. Once we get to see that Love is the driver and no longer the ego, honesty will not hurt but make us grow. xox Wilma
Dear Wilma, I have missed being here – somehow I must’ve missed your lovely updates on my RSS but no more…..Honesty! It’s not a topic I have had a problem with in my relationships. My husband knows everything and I hold nothing back in my desires or wishes or wants….But honesty at work and with what I do and with wanting to break away and do something entirely different is the tougher one. I think I know the answer but taking the next step, which may be more in the courage category, is the hardest part. I love that I am being mentioned here on your response to Hulbert…..Gosh I did give Hulbert lots of honest feedback and most of it was through private channels (I like to praise in public but “criticize” in private_ ) but my feedback to him, as he well knows, was from the best of intentions for him – he has a huge potential and just needs a few tweaks to polish the edges. Anyway, I have gone on long enough….on to read some more of your beautiful writing, dear Wilma!
Farnoosh, you are such a treasure. Honesty in a relationship is quite a feat and you two have done extremely well to come to that level. It bodes well for your lives.
What you say here deserves your attention;
Paying honest attention to what you say here will be a guarantee that you will not have a a certain item relating to courage on your next list about things ‘I wished I knew earlier’.
It is usually our slackness in taking our honesty further that will cause us to have regrets and fill up those lists. We actually do know, but we rather pretend we do NOT know.
So Farnoosh, talk to your wonderful husband honestly about your fears and how to conquer them by learning to trust both your abilities and fly. BTW your parents did this.
Enjoy your reading, all my blog posts give you an indication what we do on the WomenLikeMe program to make us live the most extra ordinary lives we can.
Farnoosh, I am impressed with your acting on your honest observing with Hulbert, talking to Hulbert was taking your honesty that one step further where it became a very valuable asset that added value. THAT is what honesty ultimately can do for people.
I admire people who take their assets seriously. Much love, Wilma
The best part of talking to you Wilma is reading your wonderful response, always so original and insightful. I feel like we are talking in your living room. Thank you for keeping me honest (no pun intended) on all accounts – yes I am really making steps towards it and he knows how I feel and that it’s time to change. He supports me all the time and in every endeavor. I think it’s my ow fear of leaving a comfort zone, and I know all about those fears because I have done it before. I am reflecting on everything you are saying here, wonderful free advice from such a dear friend. I am taking it all to hear. Thanks Wilma! I’ll be in touch
!
Dear Farnoosh, I too love ‘talking’ to you. I cannot ask for more, I really appreciate what you say here;
All I ask is that we take time to honestly reflect and from that we will act differently and create a different world. I would love you to keep me posted, xox Wilma
Although honesty could hurt us, it could also set us free in the end. Honesty can let us know what’ s wrong and address it. It can help us understand each other better, and appreciate the good we may not be able to reveal for fear of being misunderstood.
Honesty helps us all to be loved for who we really are.
Joyce at What Would You Do In Heaven?´s last blog ..A Poem of Joy-
Hi Joyce, I so agree with what you say here;
THAT is what honesty can do to us, make us grow. However in Ego land, honesty has not a great reputation and is not always used wisely either. In ego-land it can be used to hurt us, it can be used against us and that is how honesty has gotten its bad reputation. But honesty used wisely, coming from love is a great way to move forward, like you so astutely say;
THAT is a great result from having honestly wisely applied in your life and that is why I think we should pay way more attention to it than we currently do. Thanks Joyce for your great contributions to this dialog about honesty, Love Wilma.
Who cares how your hair looks?? Look at your gorgeous tan in that setting that could only cleanse the soul of any being lucky enough to be there. But, if I must judge — wind-blown is always a good look. I’m sure Tess will agree.
Thanks for the link, a nice surprise, Wilma. whoo-hoo!
And I am enjoying getting to know you more with your every post.
Honesty, the truth shall set you free. Always.
xo
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..A Photography “Before-And-After” Blog Post Wherein I’ve Availed Myself Of Corel Paint Shop Pro’s “Clone Brush” To Camouflage A Parking Lot And Beautify The Grass In A Photo Of Kelly At Age 5 Atop That Really Cool Round Stone Mosaic Thing Outside Austin’s Blanton Museum Of Art- A Post With Absolutely Zero Words In The Content Area– A Total First For Me-
Dear Jannie, you are right, in the end looks are NOT that important for the heart but it is for the ego though. I nearly did not put this photo up but one in which my hair did look somewhat better. I appreciate your comment though
.
Jannie, putting the link in is a pleasure, you are worth it.
Honesty is a great asset in relationships but it is clearly not well understood yet as in Ego-land honesty is not used wisely and can be used to hurt. However if we learn to distinguish between honesty and righteous ego opinions, we have come a long way.
Yes, once we can freely be transparent, we are free indeed. I am looking forward to that. xox Wilma
Wilma,
Love the hair…oh mine is always in disarray! I have fine and thin hair and love to put on a baseball cap to hide or manage it! I’m not sure if that’s wise or lazy. I was always a no frills farm girl! xo
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Freedom- Rapture -amp Being Alive
Oh Tess, I too have no patience with hair, however I do appreciate a good haircut and advice about what a good one is. If a baseball cap would suit me I would go for that.
Not spending time on hair is NOT lazy in my books, I rather spend it on something else. Hugs W
Hi Wilma .. it is interesting .. I keep saying to myself don’t be afraid .. or there’s no need to fear – and certainly it’s helping. I’m just getting on with my life as best I can .. clearing the way for the future, which is unsettled, but so be it .. things keep happening and life goes on .. putting my best foot forward is about all I can do for now .. and in fact opening up – makes it easier for others – they can see who I am .. and how I’m coping .. in the circumstances – perhaps setting some examples.
Hair .. don’t talk to me about it .. it’s been very fine for ever!! Useful for sport .. but not much good for ‘tarting up’ .. I too favour the run and go mode ..
Hope the weather’s improving your end of the world .. our summer is sort of on its way out I think! Have a happy week … Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Hotspur- the Duchess and The Poison Garden
Oh Hilary, this is good;
Yes, all you can do for now is just that and I think it is awesome.
It is not easy to open up when in the midst of it. You are certainly doing things differently and that is so beautiful to watch. Go Hilary go.
Oh hair, I do not have the skills or the patience, once out of bed I want to do things other than grooming!
WHAT! Your summer is on its way out, oh that would be so painful. When the sun shines it is not too bad here, but after the 6 months drought it has been raining non-stop which makes it dark, damp and coldish and no sun to be seen.
Well one day we both might spend the winter in the tropics, until then I love knitting and using my Alpaca wool. Hugs Wilma
As always, your posts, and the way you connect our comments in your follow-up become a learning for all of us. What a wonderful example of how group work can occur online – because I do feel like that is what occurs here – group work. As I come back and read the follow-up posts (which sometimes takes me awhile because of my own loose online schedule, particularly now with the kids out of school) I always feel like I have gained a new understanding of the topic, of how it relates to me and my life. So thank you for that and please know that you are truly doing something innovative and valuable here. = Lisa
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..The Powers of Nature – Insights from the Grand Canyon
Dear Lisa, I too love how we are all chiming in to deepen our understanding of these topics. Every contribution is so valuable as it adds yet another angle to clarify what we are talking about. Oh ‘life skills’ are so important and it is so good to get an understanding from a more honest source than the ‘old’ limited ones about how we can live our lives and do relationships. There was so much that I didn’t know, and I even didn’t know I didn’t know. I love this exploring and letting my heart decides what feels good and what I want to take on board. And as you say I am deeply grateful for all the contributions as they too come from an honest source, the life experiences from friends and they do add tremendous value.
I appreciate you explaining your situation, yes school holidays for a busy woman like you requires taking care of where you put your time. And I accept your loving acknowledgment with a very grateful heart, XOX Wilma and keep taking care of yourself.
Thank you for putting these quotes together so beautifully. They shine a truth pure and real. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading them all in a post. Being honest is living life!
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..A Puppy Named Brownie