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How I got to honesty.
Honest living restores beauty in our lives AND in nature.
My daughters like clothes shopping with me; they feel safe because I am honest. I used to cringe every time they said that; most of my life I could hardly ever be called honest and I felt that my dishonesty had made me more treacherous than safe.
Dishonesty is not completely a personal flaw, it is a fully accepted practice in today’s world. Nobody really expects politicians, news reporters, even parents and friends to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.
I, like everybody else, was taught not to blurt out what I saw, felt or thought but rather tell polite platitudes. Thus at 21 years old I entered my first marriage well versed in never letting on what I thought. I was no longer capable of sharing or even facing my own innermost thoughts or doubts and always kept my cards close to my chest.
There was NO way I could be honest enough to hear my father when he suggested that I should reconsider my choice of a husband before it was too late. I will never ever forget that moment though AND I thank God that I have come to forgive myself for the fact that my previous marriage was indeed a lie from beginning to end albeit an ignorant rather than a deliberate lie.
For many years the pretenses went on. It is amazing how well trained I was to perform on the stage of life while hiding and being completely ignorant about the fact that this pretense was condemning my ex-husband and me to a very lonely time in which we separately played out our roles.
I was completely unaware that dishonesty had everybody living in treacherous unpredictable waters, because no one ever really knew the lay of my land.
Dishonesty never allows trust and connectedness.
Hearing; ”oh yes, I am happy” while my grumpy behavior tells otherwise is not a great way to instill intimacy and trust, is it?
My ignorance stopped when I ’saw’ the consequences; when I paid attention to how my ex-husband and my daughters also suffered from my dishonest ‘role play’.
I was not the only one feeling miserable and alone.
From then on my ignorant well meaning untruths of ”Oh no, I am fine” and my withholding of thoughts became deceitful.
Once I saw what dishonesty did, I could have done what The Exception so astutely observed in her comment on ‘Do you pay Attention?‘; ” At points it is easier not to pay attention than to consider the reality of what is happening and have to live consciously in that awareness. . . . “
It was very tempting indeed to ignore what I saw, but THAT would be deliberate dishonesty for sure and that I could not face.
I had to own up, stop pretending to myself that all was okay and to accept the fact that my then husband and I were NOT compatible. My ego had great difficulty with declaring ‘defeat’, but I could no longer ignore the damage that was being done.
It was time to ‘live consciously in that awareness‘ and clean up my mess.
That took courage because I knew the consequences would be severe. It would mean the end of my marriage and all the nastiness that would be the result of a hurt confused male ego fighting dirty.
But in the end how could that be worse than a dishonest marriage, how could that be worse than the slow death of ME and HIM, how could that be worse than my daughters having a deliberately dishonest mother.
Becoming honest goes against the grain of current society, but the good news is that it creates a vacuum that leaves space for new opportunities.
It did so for me. The vacuum was filled with a wonderful relationship in which I did not have to repeat my mistakes as I was no longer ignorant about my dishonesty.
I gave up pretenses which was good anyway because John could see right through them.
Knowing I was dishonest did not make me a honest woman straight away. Years of training and living in dishonest contexts takes its toll; dishonesty creeps in everywhere. It took massive amounts of talking to unravel them all and I never could have done that on my own.
In the beginning I would become awfully nervous when I smelled a talk coming on after I cheerfully said I would do the dishes but then would become quite nasty while doing them. Once we had that kind of dishonesty sorted we could coordinate action around housework and a whole lot of other tasks which I normally would have taken on in my dishonest ways while becoming very resentful.
I had a lot of excuses when asked to explain why I jumped at the beck and call of my daughters while complaining about them afterwards. Having guilt finally appear on the table, John and I could clean that up as well, which created a strong alignment between us to deal with their blaming me and all their other issues around the divorce.
Me in overwhelm? Yes, but I was reluctant to have an honest look at what was going on. I might have to tell some people I was no longer available. In the beginning that type of honesty freaked me out hugely.
Having me admit my secret feelings of superiority as the main bread winner with my full time regular wages while John was dealing with self employed irregular income took us 4 years. Once that was out, we could align ourselves on the money front and share this load as well.
Learning about honesty changed a lot for me.
Only honesty allows me to have a relationship with John in which I feel safe and am no longer alone. Now I can access my honest ‘what is so’ I can play team, we can talk and align our future. I must say though that in the beginning honesty scared me witless. You try and tell people kindly but firmly that you do not like something they say, wrote or did.
But being honest has allowed me to know my own mind and to correct sabotaging ego-based thoughts as I share them.
I’ve learned to put my innermost thoughts and beliefs on the table and now they are available for contribution from others and thus I have given myself a huge chance to grow. It also has changed relationships hugely. I feel safe!!!!
Honesty is not a given in the world we live in. Honesty does require courage as it means speaking up, going against the status quo that does NOT respect authenticity and showing your cards . . . but is the major ingredient for an aligned relationship in which one feels safe.
Let’s look at honesty a bit closer;
- Are you over-promising and thus delivering less quality results than you could?
- Do you often say you will do something and then you never do that something and then feel the burden of in-completion?
- Are you committed to change and yet not being honest about how little time you give yourself to work on your change?
We actually have all the information we need to enter ‘Heaven on Earth’, but we need to stop distracting ourselves. It is time to seriously pay attention to the wholesome’ what is so’ and to our own progress and giving up going it alone.
As the Feminine Power movement says; You can’t become yourself by yourself. Get honest, pay attention, seek support if you are serious about change!
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39 Comments to “How I got to honesty.”
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Hi Wilma! My mom always said “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!” It could be that message that had me stuffing my true feelings (and honesty) for decades. I know what she meant tho, and I did the same thing with my daughter. However I did try to teach her to speak up for herself, something that took me awhile to “get”. I think you touched on something everyone can relate to!
Hugs (honestly!)
SuZen
Oh dear SuZen, yes grand advice, only say something nice and as a result as a child I often got the same stupid present over and over again.
Not having honest talk is NOT the way to grow and learn and invite great ‘different’ things to happen in your life. It just keeps the muck hidden!!!!!
However I do remember me waiting in anticipation for the ‘honest’ talk with John when I knew he noticed my dishonesty. Isn’t that interesting that honesty can bring up such negative emotional reactions. Any time when honesty comes into play, either by saying it or receiving it, there is some emotional breakdown about it. We recently had it with a friend who knew us well and knows we do not stand for pretenses. Yet her wonderful ego-mind could so NOT cope with honesty, that makes it all so hard AND thus we keep pretending being nicely nicely to each other. What in the end hurts more????
Good on you for teaching your daughter to speak up instead of all that dishonesty crap.
Thanks for your honest hug, I can use one after noticing all the crap dishonesty causes around us. XOX Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Just the other day a very close friend approached me about my blog and said while she thinks I am doing well sharing, perhaps I should switch my focus to guide people how to live a joy filled life while they compromise. She said my current blog may reach about 5 %who want to live authentically while the other 95% would like to find happiness as they compromise.
And here is your timely post on honesty. There are two foundations in my life: faith and honesty. I stand by both. I grow both. Regardless of what the people around me are doing. However..there was a time when it mattered to me to ‘fit in’ with those around me. I speak the truth when asked, but I didn’t always volunteer if not asked or stand up for something I believed in…I didn’t own my own space, or love myself as generously as I loved others. I compromised by allowing “less than” in my life, even as I concentrated on growing ‘more than’. I let myself down. When I stopped allowing compromise, my life changed. And morphed to where it is today. It is a process, one I work on daily, to live authentically/in alignment. It is a process I teach my children. I am true to God, the Universe, and myself..so there are days I may not feel as though I have Earthly support, but I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, loved fully and blessed magnificently by God and the Universe…and at the end of the day, *that* is what truly matters to me..
Thank you for opening discussion on such a relevant topic!!!
Joy´s last blog ..Fearless Fun Friday- Summer-Time Adjectives…
Oh Joy, compromise is such a dis-empowering word. It is an excuse for not knowing how to come to a win/win solution. I found becoming honest a process too, I found that it required a lot of personal growth. It was so easy to say ‘yes’ than to stick up for myself and say ‘no’ and then shoulder the consequences of being honest. Because there are consequences, receiving honesty is not always that easy either. I did feel like a ‘naughty’ child when I knew a talk about my dishonesty was coming up. It is hard to face your own dishonesty and it is not easy to be confronted with it by somebody else either. To handle that requires growth as you say and an understanding that only in honesty we grow.
I love what you say here;
And it is via honesty that we find what ‘truly’ matters to us.
People say that you cannot be honest and no most people cannot deal with that and you will often lose friends, but in the end that vacuum will allow for new friends who will support an honest relationship.
These are turbulent times, as we move from this old thought pattern to a new one that is so much more serving who we really are. For me it is important that it is in the ordinary daily doing that I can bridge the gap between the old and the new.
Joy, I so appreciate your companionship in this inquiry. Much Love, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Thank you for this post. Honesty is very dear to my heart, as dishonesty by my ex-husband and, more importantly, by me, has led me to the painful situation I find myself in today. At least, right now I am honest. Honest about my feelings, about my needs and desires. It still takes me a while to recognise where I’m at though. Instead of delving into where my feelings are coming from, I tend to run away, to keep busy with “stuff”.
I’m still torn about being honest with my children. Are they capable of dealing with adult grief and anger? Does it really help them deal with their own? Still, as much as I try, I cannot “be strong” for them. The more I try, the more I fail. But I wonder at what cost will this honesty come for them…
At least being honest with myself about where I’m at helps me find ways of looking after myself and dealing with the situation.
Dorothy´s last blog ..Things I learnt from Facebook
Dear Dorothy let me take off my hat to you. To acknowledge the part your own dishonesty has played takes some honest doing;
It is soooo easy to blame others, to play victim and get sympathy. However like you I realized that keeps me weak, so both you and I have taken responsibility and are honestly looking at the wholesome ‘what is so’ and therefore moving on. THAT is what counts, growing from an honest assessment about what happened. And isn’t it refreshing to come across someone else who is not wimping and complaining, but honestly owning up to the part they played? Dorothy, give your kids credit, they can see what is going on, they understand as they have feelings too. What would hurt them is to be in denial, what would hurt them is to blame others, what would hurt them would be dishonesty and pretending.
This is a tough time for all of you, you cannot do anything about that. What you are doing is great, you are doing the best you can to move on. Accept what is so and give yourself credit for your approach; that is honesty too.
Much Love, Wilma
Dear Wilma,
We have walked a similar path, led similar lives. I never really knew how to be honest in my first marriage…I learned how to stuff my feelings, grin and bear it, and cater to the dysfunctionality of someone else. In the end, though, I knew I had to show my daughters a different way – because they deserved it and I deserved it.
I was lucky to fix most of me before Richard came along…the rest of me, the blind spots, get fixed as they come up. I no longer will fake a smile and say “that’s fine.” Richard sees through it anyway. I no longer make agreements and then bitch about them as I’m doing them – it’s become a new language for me to master, but I no longer say YES to something when I really want to say NO. And in doing so, I realize that no one’s feelings get hurt, life does not end, the earth does not come to a halt just because I said No to something. I’m happier and those around me are happier because I’m not taking on something that I didn’t want to in the first place.
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Over-Booked- Over-Scheduled- and Over-Committed
Dear Peggy, like you I am soooo grateful to have uncovered how utterly dishonest I had become and how epidemic it has become. Who of my friends are truly honest? Who are honest to me and who can I be honest to? Not many but I am eternally thankful that like you, I have an honest relationship with John AND that that indeed depended on the care I have taken to grow myself. Honesty doesn’t happen overnight, honesty also requires a new world image because this one will fall apart as we become more and more honest. The current world depends on dishonesty, so what will replace it?
Once we become honest we will hear and see the new image, but the first step is to let go of pretenses.
What you say here is so true;
But it is the chicken and the egg issue, you have to do honesty to realize what it produces, but as long as we are afraid to do honesty we will never find out and so dishonesty goes on.
But in the end we need to acknowledge that dishonesty and Heaven on Earth do not go together so that doesn’t leave us any choice other than courageously embracing honesty. So let’s go . . . xox Wilma
Hi Wilma, my first marriage was full of dishonesty too. Luckily we had no children together so that made the break easier.
And wow, I’m the 4th woman here to speak about dishonesty in the first marriage. I wonder if getting more honest is just of natural female growth and development? If we outgrow the men we chose when we are very young? Hmn, interesting.
I think that honesty is actually coming more to light as we evolve, so I am encouraged that we are progressing, and not actually getting more dishonest as a race. That’s my personal experience, anyway.
xo
Hi Jannie, I do think we often are NOT deliberately dishonest, at least I wasn’t and I can only guess that you were not either. Honesty was just knocked out of us as we learned more and more that it was not an honest world we were living in. I became a people pleaser and with that I choose dishonesty without actually seeing it as being dishonest. Then giving pleasing answers became the norm until I lost all sense of my original thoughts and opinions and desires and became numb and very dissatisfied AND very ineffective. There are a lot of things we probably were dishonest about, it became a case of I see nothing, I hear nothing until something gives, usually relating to how we want our children to grow up.
Becoming honest, becoming aware of the wholesome ‘what is so’, becoming aware of what you want, observe and think is a process of growth.
Yes, evolving, honesty and change all go hand in hand and thank goodness for that.
xox Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I was in trouble until I was 40 for my honesty. Then I learned how to add gentleness and love to my honesty and life got a whole lot better. For example if someone said,” I got my hair cut yesterday do you like it?” I would honestly answer, “no.”
After turning people off I learned to say something like this instead, “It really looks like you’re happy with it short and that’s all that matters.” Both answer are true one is just a little softer.
It shouldn’t be difficult to be honest. If people would stop worrying what others thought of them everyone would have the courage to be more honest!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Life In The Love Zone Live It-
Oh Tess, it must have been hard to be so honest and then realizing nobody else was. People are hardly ever asking what they say they ask for. They do not want to know if you like their hair, they are not interested at all in YOUR opinion but still they ask.
Why???? Why do we ask questions we do not want an answer to?
It would hurt me too if you would say ‘no’ but at least I have a chance to hear a different opinion and maybe get a better haircut next time. I would look at your own haircut very carefully though before I would take on your opinion and as you are beautiful I would so trust you.
If I would not listen to people who are honest like you, I will never get a chance to do things differently.
I so agree;
Most of us obviously still operate from ‘the emperor without clothes’ way of behaving, saying that he had no clothes on would still require courage today.
However I do appreciate honesty these days more than I can say, it does make me feel safe, I know you would not let me look awful with the wrong haircut and I am sure you would contribute on more important things as well!
It is great to have honest friends, and be honest back to them. It means we all have a chance to grow because of each other’s input, XOX Wilma
Thanks Wilma, first of all, I enjoyed getting caught up here, and reading about your and John’s home search process also (I know that was a couple of weeks ago, but I was away at the time and just got caught up!) Learning to be more honest has been a big theme for me too, especially in marriage. That is where it all hangs out for many of us, isn’t it? I think a key component for me in particular has been not being afraid of being vulnerable. When we are honest, and not living in a ‘role’, there is a deep vulnerability, and that is scary at first. So honesty and vulnerability are two very big working points for me right now in relationship…and I think it all relates to our spiritual journey too, because in order to experience our deeper self, or a higher power (whatever your fancy) we have to be willing to face all levels of our being and the universe – we have to be willing to be brutally self-honest and vulnerable…XOXO – Lisa
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..The Powers of Nature – Insights from the Grand Canyon
Hi Lisa, yes going away to the Grand Canyon has another side to it, the catching up side. However I appreciate your commitment to follow the dialog.
I completely agree with your astuteness, honesty has more to it than just ‘telling what is so for you’;
You are spot on, honesty is about being willing to shake your foundation, to be vulnerable to what it will unveil. Becoming honest has opened a portal to another reality my dishonesty was hiding from me.
Becoming honest is allowing the shell to be cracked and show the heart-centered self, the divine being that we are.
I also agree with what you say here;
Again spot on Lisa, as I said, becoming honest is shaking the false foundations we are basing our lives on,, that IS BIG and scary and I thank you so much for taking this dialog further to this level. Much love, Wilma
Hi Wilma, another great post. Honesty is an intimidating thing for many. There’s the factor of getting hurt or hurting someone. There’s the issue of appearing out-of-character if someone has waited too long to tell the truth about a specific matter. There’s the question of not knowing what happens next after lettign the cat out of the bag. I’m working on calibrating honesty so as not to be untrue but also be gentle with people’s feelings. It’s an art form, I’m beginning to think. One thing I’ve learned is it’s far better to be truthful than not. The truth can be liberating. Hiding the truth never is. xo
Hi Belinda. Honesty in a dishonest world is indeed intimidating. When you take an ‘honest’ look around you, dishonesty is everywhere. Resumes are dishonest, promises by advertising are dishonest, education is dishonest and on and on it goes.
We hardly are aware of the scale, we hardly aware of our own dishonesty AND we are taken aback when honesty pops up in the form of an opinion we asked for or a judgment we also invited. When we are invited to give feedback at work, most of us have been wizened up NOT to be honest.
Yes, we can maybe speak honestly in certain areas, most of us won’t steal, tell shopkeepers they made a mistake or pay our bills on time, BUT although that might feel honest there is a whole level of dishonesty we don’t even see.
Until we really get a handle on the scale, we will not clean up this world.
The big oil spill is a great example of our dishonest behavior, ALL of us have contributed by allowing honesty to disappear. Now we all cry shame, pointing the finger at BP, but it would be wonderful if we pointed the finger to our own dishonesty first, as Tess so beautifully pointed out in her post.
xox Wilma
Hi Wilma — thanks for this — it occurs to me that the first and biggest step toward honesty for me has been actually paying attention to what I’m feeling, rather than what I’m “supposed” to feel in a given situation — if someone cuts me off while driving, now, I usually don’t find myself feeling much intensity, but a while back I used to think I was “supposed” to behave angrily in that situation anyway in order to act like a normal person. Thank goodness I’ve been letting go of normalcy.
Chris, YES. There is an incredible amount of areas where we behave dishonest in and I love that you bring this one up;
This has been a particular dangerous area, this educated dishonesty about how we are supposed to feel to be a ‘real’ man, to be a ‘real’ woman, to be a ‘real’ parent blah blah blah. If we cannot even honestly feel what we feel, how far off the rails have we gone? It hardly bears to think about and then we wonder why there is so much suicide amongst young people, who are we kidding?
However with people like you on the planet there is hope, isn’t there?
I spent many years being dishonest with myself in my second marriage. Cowering and not rocking the boat, or standing up for myself. Now I have to honestly be glad that it taught me to truly know my feelings and be able to be honest and true with Jason. I am not afraid any more. I don’t have to be. There is nothing wrong with how I feel and I no longer have a fear that being honest will cause him to dislike me. It is empowering. Now, I do need to work on that a little more with others. I like Tess’s softer approach and will have to be aware of those situations, so that rather than agree with someone or be (dis)honest. I can express to others in honesty with compassion.
Thanks Wilma!
XOXO
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..I’ve Come to Realize…
Oh Angelia, you too have come a long way and that bodes very well for your relationship with Jason.
It is so good that you can now distinguish this;
Acknowledging the wholesome ‘what is so’ honestly is indeed empowering beyond what the ego can ever imagine. That is where we can access our greatness, our own uniqueness which we will never find when we stay at the artificial level of polite dishonesty with others and ourselves.
Being honest with others will still always be difficult no matter how you package it, because honesty is NOT an accepted way of behavior in society yet. It is just as uncommon as walking naked in the street. Do not be fooled!
I’d say be careful and pay attention to who wants honesty and who is just pretending to ask for your ‘honest’ feed back. Even in counselling where people are saying they want feedback, I often found they were not really ready to be honest and take responsibility. I myself had trouble with it so why expect it of others??????
It is a BIG issue and very invisible how dishonest we all are and how we all keep dishonesty alive.
However it is great that in your relationship with Jason you have come to watch out for this. My main focus is to stay honest with John and that is already a handful, believe you me and I have been tackling this for a few years now.
Much love to you, xox Wilma
Wilma: Thank you for this post and sharing your wisdom. I do think we all have to fin our way to honesty so that we can live authentically instead of pretending. It is so important to be honest and true to yourself … to find your own answers and your own truth. I think if our goal really is to be honest and genuine, there is no way we will be lead astray. We will always be pointed in the right direction and given the right words to deliver our honesty.
Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..30 Things I Wish I Knew Earlier in Life
Oh Sibyl what you describe here is great;
However we are so dishonest that we cannot often even see how dishonest we are.
Dishonesty is everywhere, from when we are borne till we die. To simply say that from now on I will be honest is just as impossible as saying from now on I only eat unprocessed food. It is just NOT possible in this given time with the way we live and the context we live in. And that is okay as long as we do not fool ourselves that it is NOT so. It is like in the olden days when the doctors believed it was good to keep the patients uninformed. Unless we get honest about the extend of the issue, we will underestimate the effort and commitment it takes and give our power to become honest away. We are not becoming the change we want to see when we do not realize the extent of the problem and thinking that ‘giving the right change in the shops’ is being honest. There is a whole layer we have to peel to come to our authentic self and then to arrive at what you said.
But before we are there, we have to commit to a lot of observing ourselves and practice integrity and honest behavior, one step at the time and in each moment.
xox Wilma
Great topic, Wilma. I really enjoyed reading your post and all the comments so far. I think there’s a subtle difference between being honest with other people, and being honest with ourselves. Or maybe it’s all part of the same continuum. Or flip sides of the same coin. But I do find that as I’ve gotten older, it’s been necessary to look at honesty from both perspectives. And that has helped a lot. In fact, doing inner work around honesty with myself has been a necessary precursor to being honest with other people. Hugs to you!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays- A Simple Philosophy Emerges
Hi Patty, there are many layers to honesty and for me it comes down to willingness to go beyond one’s narrow ego view points and being prepared to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ or as you say the other perspectives;
Becoming honest is the way to understanding the ‘all is one’ concept as you then can see that nothing stands alone and there are many factors, elements, people, previous events involved in the coming together of everyone’s ‘now’. Dishonesty would be denying those perspectives and elements for sure. Only blaming BP for the oil spill for example would indeed be very dishonest. One’s one is honest, one will become honest about others as part of the wholesome ‘what is so’ and see one’s own responsibility in everything. THAT is empowering and the beginning of change and the basis of forgiveness and Ho’Oponopono.
Oh it is all very interesting and hopegiving as it brings the responsibility back to ME and my honesty don’t you think? Love and hugs back at ya, xox Wilma
Wilma,
Without honesty we build false and shaky foundations for our relationships which eventually crumble beneath the white lies and platitudes. Honesty begins with how we experience our self, it is through self honest that we understand who we are, what are purpose is and how to live in joy. This means being accountable for the journey we create and understanding fully that we are not only creating our journey that we are also complicate in all that is happening within this universe. Great post, thank-you for sharing your wisdom.
Hi Mark, yes I agree fully;
Yes, honesty begins with how we experience ourselves AND that is where the crunch is. Even children are very soon experiencing themselves according to society’s rules, they soon will experience themselves through the eyes of others and their dishonesty and bingo their honest perceiving is soon lost.
At the moment we are in a huge dishonesty trap.
For me it really starts with acknowledging and observing my own dishonesty and going from there. It also helps that the new emerging explanations clearly show me why, because I too am getting a sense of how everything is interconnected and how important it is to see beyond my own small perspective. As you say;
It is getting to realize that responsibility for more that just me that pulls me forward to really become honest in observing the wholesome ‘what is so’.
xox Wilma
So important to be honest with other and ourselves. Many of us were taught we must be nice, we must not hurt someones feelings and being honest might do that. Not a sound teaching for children. Another wonderful post. Thanks.
Erin S´s last blog ..Who God Is Going To Use
Oh Erin, I agree, it is shocking to see the nonsense we have been teaching our children. No wonder that the poor teenagers on the brink of losing childhood and entering dishonest adulthood, rebel. They see the lies and yet what is the alternative? As long as there is no other way of life on offer, they have to enter a world they do not agree with.
That is why I personally am so pleased that we are starting to realize that there is another world we can aspire to, the world that God has initially created, the Garden of Eden where we will be honest and congruent and where we authentically honer and respect that is worth honoring and respecting. It is a very compelling world and finally one that will honor its promises. There is no false advertising happening in God’s world. xox Wilma
Wilma,
This is an interesting post and it brings up a lot of stuff in me.
Like you, I wasn’t honest about my first marriage. In my case, it was my “gut” or intuition that told me I was making a mistake, but I didn’t listen. After all, the man I married FIT in what I believed was my world…again I wasn’t honest with myself about that either.
My ex-husband is such a good man and he’s always been an excellent father. I can’t say I totally regret my dishonesty with myself because we have two wonderful daughters. Then again, a relationship born of dishonesty of any kind, is like quicksand. It will pull you and those around you down.
As I learn more about who I am and not who I think I should be, I find honesty much easier. It’s an on-going process for me:~)
Sara´s last blog ..Poem Work
Hi Sara, you too. Oh like Jannie says, thank goodness we are evolving
This is beautifully said;
That was a huge realization for me too, the fact that my dishonesty hurt others as well as myself, what was I doing?????
However I also realized it was ignorance at first, I didn’t know better. It was good for me to notice how little I actually knew although I was ‘qualified’. That allowed me to learn, knowing that I knew so little and yes being committed and accepting of the fact;
It sure is for me too now I accept I am NOT a ‘know-it-all’. xox Wilma
Hi Wilma .. great post .. I too had people tell me my husband was not right .. but he was controlling and I was on the roller coaster and couldn’t get off – that’s the way I describe it. After 2 years I’d had enough and pulled the plug – very anxious about his reactions .. it was not easy .. but I carried on .. and fortunately he found someone else & that took me out of the equation – thank goodness.
When I moved to South Africa .. I could become me .. open up and perhaps blossom – though that’s happening more now through the friends in the blogosphere – which I find amazing.
Being dishonest as you say becomes a part of life .. unfortunately & that’s why I love being with people whom I can see don’t have that fear .. and it’s interesting where one finds it – with all walks of people .. if only I’d known – but my upbringing gave me huge advantages, but with some disadvantages thrown in! .. I’m clambering out now …
However that practise of doing something for someone & then complaining or being critical about them .. is something to move away from. When I was growing up .. it was the shyness of being ridiculed, which let me to be defensive. I’m learning.
I have had to open up a lot more .. just because .. that’s the way life has taken me for the last 30+ years .. it’s been a long process – but probably in some ways as life in general has changed .. it is easier to talk now – more people understand or appreciate these types of thoughts.
Re being overwhelmed .. I couldn’t be like I was in the 80s .. I was way too stressed with trying to achieve – what I don’t know! But just getting through the days sometimes .. being back here hasn’t been easy, and I probably haven’t been sensible sometimes .. but equally if I’d done anything different – I wouldn’t be here, and doing the things I am doing .. so thank goodness for my faults!!
If I hadn’t of adjusted to some extent – these last five years and particularly the last 3.5 years have taught me loads .. I was overwhelmed, but I refused to let it get me down, I complained, I begrudge my family and their attitude to my mother and my uncle .. and their selfishness .. but I have to get on with things .. and here I am – adjusting to not being irritated or frustrated .. and learning that what’s important is being me: only I am responsible for my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my reactions and I need to be “in the now” all the time – at peace with myself as far as I can be.
So to my surprise perhaps I have kept on track this time?! I don’t over-promise now; don’t get put in the position of saying I’ll do something – then finding myself frustrated with that promise and reneging; & yes . I am committed to change .. it is happening & frankly as long as it’s happening it will take as long as it takes – but I suspect it’s happening quite quickly ..
Thanks Wilma .. great post .. gosh we learn a lot here .. I look forward to having more time to spend here .. with love to you both & a hug or two .. – oooh .. it’s the weekend .. hope it’s successful, interesting and informative .. byee for now .. xoxo Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Lazy- Hazy- Mazey Days of Summer – two approaches to revitalising town life in the 21st century
Oh Hilary, what you are saying here is the honesty I ultimately am referring to.
You are looking at yourself the best you can and you are committed to applying the new explanations and perspectives you are presented with in an honest manner. Because THAT is also honest, not just flitting through this new information but taking it serious after you have discerned that it is useful.
AND you are absolutely correct in saying this will speed up your doing things differently. It is when you learn another language, it goes very slow at first and then all of a sudden you reach a different plateau and away you go, chatting like a native.
It is all like you so beautifully observe here;
Hilary, you are becoming the change you want to see, you have honestly observed the wholesome ‘what is so’ and you take responsibility. You stopped blaming and seeing where the buck stops, with YOU. Hilary I really admire you, you rock big time, you walk the talk in a very courageous way. Huge hugs, Wilma
Hi Wilma .. thanks … I’m reading the comments .. and after an email ‘discussion’ I had with someone yesterday .. these thoughts came into my head .. re Joy & her ‘friend’ .. isn’t it interesting how people seem to think they know what we should be doing … there seems to be no acknowledgement that actually we might be doing what we want to do and we know our own minds – and that perhaps a better approach would be to find out our thoughts and the whys for going for the 5% .. my email .. thing is people not thinking .. before they reply or apply … not thinking about the whole.
People seem to assume they are right and they know .. and presumably understand the subject they are suggesting/telling us to change, or do differently .. they don’t have the temerity to ask us why and how we got to the spot we’re in ..
Interesting .. – thanks Wilma .. hope all is going well for you both this weekend .. hugs and love Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Lazy- Hazy- Mazey Days of Summer – two approaches to revitalising town life in the 21st century
Hilary, you are spot on, most people are NOT being honest. They just spout an opinion based on very limited information and lack of paying attention. A lot of people have been subjected to this kind of so called honesty and no wonder we are shy about it.
People seem to assume they are right and they know .. and presumably understand the subject they are suggesting/telling us to change, or do differently .. they don’t have the temerity to ask us why and how we got to the spot we’re in
As you so astutely observed this is NOT honesty at all. It is good to realize the difference as there is still so much confusion about honesty on this dishonest fake world. When we also do not pay attention to honesty we never get a chance to know each other in depth and be a real contribution. It is so sad to see the downside of our inability to be honest, we miss out on so much because we never get really close.
However Hilary, things are a changing. Hugs Wilma
PS the weekend was very windy and wet, we got stopped looking at pieces of land.
Hi WIlma .. thanks for replying so comprehensively .. honesty is being honest to oneself .. and therefore truthful when talking to others ..
Sorry about the wet and windy weekend .. fantastic Wimbledon fortnight .. very unusual .. but lovely just to be able to walk out of the door without worrying about rain.
Enjoy the week .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Lazy- Hazy- Mazey Days of Summer – two approaches to revitalising town life in the 21st century
Wow, why is it that we have to go through the tough parts of life to learn? When I want to blame my parents for things, my husband always says “they did the best they could with the tools they had” – and this across cultures and countries, they had it rough but the results are all the same, honesty has not been the topic at our dinner table over the years – politeness and tact – and that’s why I have been “rude” and “obnoxious” many times – Funny enough, I have sacrificed some options to be near my parents only to wake up well into my 30s with a burning desire to get up and leave for a year and go travel to the end of the world and STAY there for a while -not to get away from anyone so much as to simply live in other places for a while. It is a plan in the making and I think if I am honest with my parents while very kind, they may support me. Otherwise, hubby and I are going off on our own! Wish us luck, my dear Wilma!
Dear Farnoosh, the world has become so corrupt and so far away from its pristine origin that we have to clear a lot of muck to pave the way to a great one again. I see learning as seeing the extend of the muck and finding ways to clean it up. Then we will once again be able to fully live to our potential. It is like being in the middle of a house renovation, some people find that exhausting and distressing and some see it as an adventure. I have learned to see it as an adventure and living that way is much more fun and sustainable and productive.
Farnoosh, going away to a different environment is the best thing you can do. It shows you life through a new set of lenses, it shows things that otherwise stay invisible.
Being honest with your parents does not always mean to tell them the reasons for why we do things. That is a misunderstanding about being honest. The honesty lies in YOU seeing what is so like you express here;
If your honest observation of the ‘what is so’ shows you what information adds value to their understanding, then if that means do not tell them the full reason, it is honest and loving to NOT tell them. Honesty is NOT blurting everything out, it means honestly observing what information adds value to everybody. Otherwise it is the ego wanting to be righteous. There is a big difference between being righteously telling and honestly sharing what will add value and keeping the rest to yourself.
Farnoosh I love the relationship you are having with your husband, seems valuable.
I do not wish you luck, I wish you ability to observe honestly the wholesome ‘what is so’, then what you call luck is a result of you ability to intentionally create your desires.THAT is a big difference and a result of honesty.
Much Love to you Farnoosh. xox Wilma
Thank you Wilma for pointing out something no one had before – that being honest does not mean the ego becoming righteous and telling them all. I have done that before only to hurt them and ironically, it has not followed with action: “I am moving to California”, “I am moving to Paris”, “I am going to Sydney for a year”…..! I can’t tell you how much value this adds, even though the doing is going to be the hard part but I will be hearing your words before I speak again, I promise you! It won’t be easy though but I will commit because I really do not want to hurt them in the process! Gosh you are so very very good. Thank you so much Wilma!
You are very welcome Farnoosh. There is a lot of misconception that has creped in about how we humans should or shouldn’t behave with the development of ego based thoughts as the biggest culprit. The more we become aware of it unserving effects the more we eventually can alter our conceptions into ones that serve human relationships a lot better. xox Wilma