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Wilma on Egos don’t collaborate
When egos are quiet we can live happily ever after.
The comments flowed abundantly this week on Monday’s post; ‘Your ego can’t collaborate’ with Megan sharing a fine example of what many of us could identify with, the ego in action;
My ego got the better of me this weekend – yesterday and today, actually. You’re right that it definitely does NOT want to collaborate! Ego wants what it wants, and I noticed it was willing to invent stories (otherwise known as projection) to suit its flimsy desires today. I actually had to say aloud a bit earlier, “Please help me be clear! Please help me know the real truth!” Ego was clouding everything up and I decided I wanted to reverse that trend. Like an unwanted house guest…
Yes I agree, the ego sure is like an unwanted house guest.
Then on the subject of collaboration, Lisa exposed that there was more to collaboration than what we generally think;
… so much more important than I used to give it credit for. I really used to think of collaboration as more of a strategic skill, a way of combining strengths, learning to compromise etc. But it is so much more than that, and I hadn’t really clicked into realizing that until reading your post. It IS about ego, and whether or not two people can get beyond relating at the level of ego and connect and interact at a deeper level.
The other theme of the contributions to Monday’s post were all the different ways you recognized the ego in action and what you did to get beyond it;
Peggy said; The ego is still there, just not as loud, not as needy. Instead of reacting based on my ego, I’ve learned to practice pausing. And allowing the ego to have its say and then moving past it
Tess said; I kept my mouth shut… My ego was very unhappy but the rest of us had a great time.
I think that is a great way to deal with the ego, seeing when it wants to rear its ugly head and put the lid on it. Clever!
The Exception revealed how it is the ego that gets hurt;
…though my ego doesn’t like it sometimes, I often choose to work with someone or exchange information or help out even if it hurts short term as I realize that it is for the better and the hurt will turn out to be a growing experience for one if not everyone involved… and when I say hurt it is the ego getting frustrated
That is very astute, TE.
Chris’ cut on his ego in action is;
I’m believing everyone else is incompetent and lazy anyway, and I’m the only one who can do anything meaningful. I’m not really trying to “heroically shoulder the burden,” as I might tell myself on the surface, but indulging my fantasy of superiority.
And Jodi’s is:
That pull of the ego is so daunting… I still have to “suffer” through that monkey-mind banter to get through to the why behind the why behind the why of my perceptions, projections and basic feelings of being stuck. For me it always comes down to some convoluted form of powerlessness that is based on some old fear I have still not reckoned with.
It is our relationships that are the primary place to practice collaboration and be vigilant of the non-collaborative, ego’s WIIFM way of operating.
Peggy said; I was not a collaborator in my first marriage. It was two people trying to figure out the best way to get WIIFM, and I did double duty as the martyr.
SuZen shared; hubs came up this weekend. He was NOT in any kind of collaborative state.
Tess noted; my ego still continues to squeeze between hubs and I.
I give the last word to Lisa, as I agree that it is worth your while to consider that there is far more to collaboration than just some strategic skill;
Whether it’s work, friendship, marriage, whatever, although I agree marriage is really where this can unfold so powerfully for many of us. It’s a path unto itself!
The ego exposed. The ego has a lot to answer for, more than I ever thought and it seems you are sharing my sentiment.
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18 Comments to “Wilma on Egos don’t collaborate”
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Hi Wilma! I got a kick out of your last comment to me – yes, indeed, a brief refresher for somebody with Tolle would be nice. I cleared my head by being outside the day everyone left, and the mama duck who is nesting close to our dock came to visit me and ate bread from my hand. We commiserated a bit – papa duck was babysitting for her daily get away from the nest. It was so wonderful I couldn’t have asked for a better companion!
Being in nature does wonders!
I know what hurt was not having his approval – which of course I do not NEED but it would have been nice to have one’s efforts appreciated. That’s my ego so I was greatful to be able to acknowledge it to myself and it went away. I found this really seems to work – I tell “it” thank you for calling this to my attention and that’s it, it seems to disapate.
I love solitude – lots of it – so I’m in heaven here, or will be once the workers are done tomorrow. Then it just me for 3 weeks – me and the paint brush and dog. I have always be happiest alone, being with others when I choose to rather than when I have to be. It’s like I’ve gone full circle, back tothe rural solo act I was as a kid. There aren’t hours enough for me to do all that I want to do each day and I love it all!
Hugs
Suzen
Oh us women are so good, even you and a female duck at the well can sort each other out. I know, appreciation and acknowledgment go a long way sometimes and when not aware, bingo trouble. Well you have my appreciation if that counts and mother duck’s obviously, but I am pleased to hear you actually do not need it anymore.
Oh my, 3 weeks to paint with the dog, (male or female?), you so deserve that and in solitude, that is a bonus. You have an awesome time, much love Wilma
LOL Wilma! I only wish I was painting something on a canvas – creatively – instead of woodwork, doors, ceilings and walls. But I’ll take time each day to go visit Mrs Duck!
Oh darn, I thought all that was behind you and you were now doing the creative kind.
Ah shoot, I was doing well until I read suzens comment, now my heart would like suzens three weeks:)
What I realized after I was thinking about this post and all of the comments was that my relationship with my children is one of true joy filled collaboration. If I grow my circle accordingly, what a circle that would be!
Joy´s last blog ..Wisdom Wednesday: Guest Post Simon Hay
Oh Joy, don’t we all. a dog and paint and your own company. It is great to reflect on where you have and have not collaboration and being able to recognize it.
Then of course with that in mind we can grow our circles because we know what we are looking for. It certainly would be an awesome circle. xox Wilma
“The ego exposed”. I really like that statement. Great posts you have had on the ego Wilma. They have been very thought provoking. I think it really is about noticing when our ego is working against us, exposing it and then getting control. This is something we can and should practice time and time again in all of our relationships. I think this is what living and learning is all about. Thanks for the insights.
Sibyl – alternaview´s last blog ..How to Always Perform in an Amazing Way
Hi Sibyl, the ego is extremely cunning and sometimes we do not even know it is the ego that is setting us up and yes, to expose the ego and then going beyond it, that takes a lot of continuous practice. When the ego knows that it is being watched, it has all sorts of tricky ways to fight that with very cunning talk. When there is trouble in a relationship, the egos are alive and well, that is guaranteed. xox Wilma
What a great post this is, I love how you highlighted the comments from your previous post!
Oh, I so wish I had kept my ego’s mouth shut about something the other day (a la Tess,) the rest of us would have been so so happy.
I think I’ll go find a dock, a duck, a dog and a paint brush. I wonder if all 3 would mind if I gave them a fresh coat?
Okay, I just went into silly land (as I seem wont to do,) but I will carry this post and these comments with me and tell my ego to take a hike when I feel it rearing its insatiable head. I was pretty certain I’d it exorcised a few months back, but I guess the ceremony didn’t take.
Seems an on-going awareness endeavor.
xoxo
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Tree House Interior, by iPhone
Oh Jannie, don’t change, you are who you are and I know you are getting the message and there is nothing wrong with a dock, duck or paint as long as you add singing.
You got it in one;
The ego has such a strong hold, how else come we all read the books, do courses and yet still fall into the trap. We all can see what damage the ego does and yet how come we are still lapsing. I think because we have such a mighty opponent and as Megan says it is a houseguest, unwanted but it is there, nice and snug and not easily evicted.
On-going awareness endeavor for sure and one that needs support as well. xox Wilma
I loved all of the comments I read, but Jodi’s really stood out for me this time. The getting behind the why of the why of the why… And coming back to the basic concept that somehow, something that’s happened has triggered a feeling of powerlessness in me.
Wow… It’s just so simple when you look at it on paper, isn’t it?!! Yet when ego’s in play, it feels dreadfully complicated.
This served as such a beautiful reminder that I hope to keep with me, at least for a few days, but wouldn’t it be grand if I could remember these basics and refer back to them throughout my lifetime?!
My best to you, Wilma!
Dearest Megan, I agree, it is deceptive how simple it is on paper, we would all be in egoless land by now if it indeed was that simple. The ego is deceptive alright, it is a hegemony, we live in egoland as fish live in water, we do not see it. The invisibility is what gives it its power, we don’t see the lipstick on our own teeth. I agree with you;
Unless we get that concept AND understand that we need others who remind us, we need to give other people permission to correct us, we have no show.
I am still getting caught out too, especially if the situation is emotional laden I have no show in keeping the ego at bay on my own. It is so hard to believe and understand how ego-ridden we are and I am still amazed like all the others here, how the ego keeps popping up at the most unexpected times. Ego sure is hard to catch and alone we have no show, so I love all of us here giving it a good go, xox Wilma
I enjoy these Friday posts too –
Lisa’s comment rung a chime within me. Collaboration is more about letting go and finding options and opportunities that may be completely unexpected or unknown before the process starts – and yet it feels that it is usually a strategic exercise in how to obtain a goal – whether that goal is shared or not.
It is about rising above, letting go, and pushing fear/Ego to the back of the bus and dealing with personal issues later.
Thank you Wilma!
The Exception´s last blog ..For Me?
Dear TE, if we look at strategy as a way of operating, then collaboration is a strategy but what we aspire to achieve is what is at stake here. We aspire to achieve a win/win and that is very seldom the aspiration of people working together and the outcome of a strategy.
It is not in our psyche, everywhere where people try to find solutions there is talk of compromise, giving in, not demanding too much but never ever do people really believe there is a win/win. And there isn’t, when egos are involved. Egos cannot see win/win, never ever. We indeed need to go beyond the ego, the ego indeed needs to go to the back of the bus and stay out of it. And that is hard and nearly incomprehensible. I do think it is a good start to realize this is not to be underestimated, it really pays to see the ego as the mighty opponent that it is. When we underestimate the scale of the ego invasion, we will not take it serious enough.
XOX Wilma
Hi Wilma .. ego is so dominant and I have lots of it – it’s good in some ways and a pain in others .. I am trying to keep it in check. SuZen’s thoughts that she gets peace when she’s alone – me too .. but the other advantage is that before I react to things I get a chance to reflect & perhaps temper my ego reaction .. well probably .. but it still comes out.
At the moment I would love to just have to deal with my ego without all the other aspects going on day by day – life would be easier to rise to the challenges ahead .. but again – it’s a huge learning process & I have to keep reminding myself of all I’ve got going for me – and I must remember the lessons I’m learning .. so increasing my knowledge base – which will hold me in good state for the future ..
Thanks – I love these posts .. struggle with them .. but I think a lot goes in – the great thing is the teaching is ongoing .. tickling each time a post comes up – here – or there – reminding us of where we’re each at & bringing us back to earth.
A core wheel of things to remember and bring to our lives each day – opening our minds for adjustments, the good, love, the positives (rebalancing) .. so our core holds true as we progress …
Thanks Wilma – have a great weekend .. even if cold! – we’ve had our share .. have a hug from me – Hilary xo
Hilary´s last blog ..Volcanic palette, translucent jet streams, passion-fruit paintings …
Oh Hilary, it is so easy to be pristine and spiritual and ignore the ego talk when things go smoothly but it requires a lot when you have to deal with all that you are dealing with. Keeping faith and the ego-type thoughts at bay, that is a big ask and with the little support you have sheer impossible. So all that is to say that you are doing fine and all will be well even if it doesn’t look that way.
I could utter your same words;
I probably get as much out of them as you are as they require me to think about what I think and to take stock of where I am.
But it all helps to keep our unserving thoughts at bay so as not to make our situation into a nightmare, because our ego-type thoughts can frighten us to death.
Hilary all I can say is, even if it is hard to belief and hard to do, keep believing yourself when you say all is well and that you are doing great, THAT is the way to talk and that will ignore the ego-talk.
Although it is very stormy and rainy here, the wind is coming from the north that means warm temperature. Much love and hugs, Wilma
Recently with so many changes in my life about the future, my ego was letting fear control my emotions. What I finally realized….. I had to let go. Let everything flow. It was all going the right direction and the right place and it was only my ego that wanted to dam it all up to a trickle. With that, I found my peace (til it rears it’s head again anyway).
Happy Weekend, Wilma!
XOXOXO
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..SIGNS – What do you believe?
With those words of wisdom I am sure you will have a happy weekend too.
The most incomprehensible part about the ego is that it doesn’t exist (this is a big conversation in A Course in Miracles). The ego is a made up identity which we relate to as real. What we refer to as ego are actually just nasty internalized thoughts, based on the conversations in our previous context about how bad we and things were.
We are not bad and things are not bad, we just have been subjected to these conversations over and over again, instead of the ones that say we are great and life is great.
All that is actually required is to change our contextual conversations. That seems absurdly easy and yet that is all that is required. So watching your thoughts and changing them into what you just said, everything is flowing and everything is in the right direction and in the right place, is the way to go.
Angelia, please hold that thought that all is well and that you and Jason will have the most awesome wedding. THAT is the thoughts of the real you, the rest is all made up.
Much love, big hug, Wilma XOX