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Wilma on How our words lift people up
George still going strong, uplifting and willing to play, showing us his old tractor.
At the end of this Monday’s post; Does the way your talk destruct or create? I invited you to “Notice your own destructive talk when you complain, blame and also watch your tone of voice and your facial expression”. I also said “when you notice it, stop even in mid sentence and apologize.”
What did you notice?
Did you play along? Could you catch yourself, did you notice it at all?
Observing yourself in the midst of daily flurry and emotions is one of the hardest things to do.
Why is it so hard to notice and observe?
Because how we talk and react is automatic, it is how we have always done it and we know no other way.
So I invited you to notice something a little less tricky, to notice when another person talks to you in a way that is destructive.
But what about when people and the way they talk, lifts you up.
What about when I ask you to recall a time when you noticed how someone entered the room and lifted the energy in the room with their words, their enthusiasm. Children can do this with their spontaneous excitement and words but not many adults have kept that ability.
My blind friend George, who does not get distracted by body language, is a master at using his words to lift people up. All George’s friends know that we can count on George to lift us up with his words.
George is not remarkable; what is remarkable is that everyone is NOT doing what George does, lift us up with their conversation.
Joy shared a beautiful example;
I also know when someone criticizes me it is out of fear. Today a close friend was upset with a sailing choice I made and upon my safe return home promptly chewed me out. Instead of saying wow, I care about you and I was very afraid, they berated me.
Instead of sharing his fear AND his joy at Joy successfully returning home from her sailing adventure which would have been a conversation that lifted Joy up, she got a berating. Does this sound familiar?
To Joy’s credit she went on to say:
It is my choice to then allow that to build in my response, or to release it, as I did and address and heal the fear behind it. I can still be creative on my end, even if destructive is thrown at me.
Joy is so correct, after being berated, it is her conscious choice whether she goes to her defense and speaks words of attack or does as she did; “address and heal the fear behind it.” But that requires consciousness and not being on automatic. Awareness that can be obtained by observing and more observing how we conduct our own conversations and how we use the power of words. Joy obviously has practiced her observing of herself and others.
How often has this happened to you, you having let fly with your upset and fears only to have the other person lift you up, address your fears and heal with their creative words of love and acceptance?
I bet you, when it ever has happened, then you would be like me, brought to tears by that unexpected kindness and acceptance.
19 Comments to “Wilma on How our words lift people up”
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Wilma,
I’m going to be most honest. I read this post a bit ago and began to comment, then I quickly logged off and distracted myself.
My reaction showed me I had a fear. I will share it with you. I was going to say that I use my words to create. I want my presence to be one of joy and peace, and I want those around me to experience their best through me. Did I say that right?
I’ve been on the receiving end of destructive, it’s no good. I choose to create instead.
I was going to give you another example of what happened to me yesterday with yet another friend. The gist is I was having a rare day off with no children, no work, and this friend was upset at I’m not sure what but would text and call all day trying to pull me into conflict. I went about my day. By night fall, this friend really piled it on with texts and cajoling. My last words in response were I choose not to be conflict, I withdraw my energy. That is my choice, and one I have learned to honor.
However….that is two examples in 4 days, and that tells me…I need to re-evaluate who I choose to have around me in my space. I *know* that, but it’s a bit scary because it requires some more change. My life philosophy is what I pour energy into grows, and I choose to pour energy into positive, good, nurturing, so I will listen to my own words and address this in my life with my friendships. That is the lesson I needed to learn, so thank you:) I’m no longer afraid, I’m actually a bit excited….
Joy´s last blog ..Monday Blessing: Dark…a Guest Post from Evita….
Oh Joy, thank you for your awesome commitment to life and yourself. Thank you for listening to yourself and what is shared here by YOU. In sharing you hear your own voice and not only we benefit but you too. That is connectedness at its best and once again ‘thank you’ to show us that so clearly. This is the principle of the *well*.
Oh Joy what you say here is priceless;
Yes, who you hang out with is certainly important and worth having a look at. You can be dragged down or just lose a lot of energy by keeping yourself centered in your heart, while you are bombarded with ‘friends’ draining energy.
I do think we women are often so loyal, I am, and then saying ‘no more’ to those needy people is quite hard to do but in the end saving your energy for people who will embrace it.
So Joy, go where your light supports growth, excitedly, hugs Wilma
Hi Wilma,
What a stunning insight.Our words always have power to make or break hearts. So why should we use them to break hearts, when we can do better by using them to the other one. But words are coming out so automatically. May be that’s why they have already hurt people sometimes, when you become aware of it and try to pull them back. But there’s no pulling back. Once you’ve said, it’s said. So we need to be more conscious about our words. We must always use to them to lift souls up.
Thanks Wilma! I like this post much.
vikum´s last blog ..Against the friction
Hi Vikum. Yes words are not to be treated lightly. They indeed do as you say here;
Yes, once said we cannot always pull them back, but as Eva said, we can apologize and begin again. It is then up to the recipient to also forgive and let go of the hurt. But we always have a choice, if we live in a context where hurting words are too common and the willingness to watch words is absent, we can forgive AND yet still decide to pull away from these people who hurt with words. THAT is the choice we have and we need to become aware of. Love Wilma
PS thanks for your email and letting me know your comment was not coming through.
I had a strong reaction yesterday to some bad financial news. My reaction was immediate and distraught. My dream wedding seemed to fly out the window in an instant. I relayed the news to Jason and his reaction was immediately peaceful with prayer and assurance, it would all be okay.
I was brought down to manageable levels and able to remember that what happens works out for the best.
It’s a good thing to have that balance. My words calmed down and I accepted. I am glad my first reaction wasn’t my last.
Great post Wilma!
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Word-ish Wednesday
Oh Angelia, what a wonderful context you live in, because it is these conversations you are having with Jason, or more that Jason has with you in this time of distress that IS your context you live in. I am sure you can do the same for Jason AND that is indeed what I am referring to here. In the end it is NOT the material context that has any bearing on how we feel or what we do, it is how we talk about what happens that creates our peace and joyfulness and how we create a world for us and the people around us. Can you imagine if both of you would be engaged in distressed conversation around this money situation???????
Oh Angelia, with this understanding your life with Jason and all your girls will indeed be fantastic. In your post about your wonderful 16 year old Sydney you also actually talked about the conversations you had with her. Your conversations were not about restricting her but letting her experience the world in a very allowing context and you have created a wonderful daughter with the tone of your talks.
AND that is so wonderful, THAT is creating a world how God meant it to be. God doesn’t want us to talk about disaster and fear and what is lacking, God wants us to talk about possibilities, joy and expansion.
The biggest hug to you who is willing to learn and create an awesome life. xox Wilma
I am digesting the end of this a bit more than I thought I would when I first read it. I have noticed, of late, when I criticize it is all about me and rarely has anything to do with what is happening – I am tired. I am tired. Unfortunately, being tired doesn’t mean that things don’t’ have to be accomplished. The company we keep is important. I am surrounded by supportive and loving people these days (which helps) but still must work with someone who lives in a state of denial. It zaps my energy. I am tired of the balancing and the kind of tug of war.
It is liberating to remove ourselves from relationships that are not supportive and uplifting. It is that much more challenging when we have to have relationships that are of a different nature; when we can’t leave and have to engage and maintain our balance and continually learn to let go (and that is where I am… letting go and letting go more) and all of it in the face of overt and subtle disrespect and undermining. And then the challenge of being at a place of loving and caring for myself only to have to feel it not returned and the inability to leave that relationship.
And I am finding time to charge my battery and connect with nature and I am treating myself with respect and love and am letting go…
And I think I got off topic, but thanks for letting me vent!
The Exception´s last blog ..Anchors
Hi TE
Oh no, you are right on the button, it is very easy to have great conversations when you are able to choose people who are on the same wavelengths. It is another matter when you do have to deal with confused daughters, painfully difficult ex husbands or negative family members you cannot or do not want to have disappear from your life. They have a great way to rattle your peacefulness, they have a great way to get under your skin or zap your energy, for sure.
I have those close people in my life AND then it is a matter of watching your conversations about them. If I get sucked in into my own story how hard it is and how they ruin things, it is time to listen how I speak about it.
I now acknowledge that there are very difficult people in my life, I am very careful NOT to talk badly about them, just state a fact AND watch my emotion around them. When I get sucked in, I stop, do Ho’oponopono, do it again if I did not really mean it and was not ready to let go, and I work on it until I feel peace. I sometimes need help as my ego doesn’t want to let go, my ego wants to go into battle or doesn’t want me to forgive. So yes, you are spot on with letting go and I bet you have worked and learned how to do that. It is in the awareness and then in having found teachings that support us that we can create a peaceful context despite how other people treat us. We become in the world but not of it. Things happen, people stir, but we keep being love and peace.
TE, thanks for deepening the conversation; you are totally on the topic when you can have this conversation;
Hugs Wilma
Wilma — I was just at Joy’s site and she was talking about mirrors. I realize that I am constantly doing negative talking in my mirror. I like you idea of paying attention to this and apologizing. I will have to try it, as well as some to things Joy suggested.
Other than the mirror, I am better at negative speak, whether directed at myself or others. I try to change my conversation to more positive words.
This sounds strange, maybe even cruel, but one way I taught myself to be more conscious of my negative speak is by using a rubber band. I picked one of those hair kinds that has a wrapping around it.
I put it on my wrist and if I got into negative speak, I would pop myself. It didn’t really hurt, but got my attention. My boyfriend also had permission to remind me that I was in negative speak and I would pop myself.
It really made me aware of how OFTEN I did this and I did improve!!!! I don’t wear it anymore. I may try it again and then use your suggestion of saying an apology.
BTW I also like the story about George. I think I would really like to meet him. He sounds like the kind of person you want in your life. Thanks for this post:~)
Sara´s last blog ..Let’s Go to the Beach
Hi Sara. This doesn’t sound strange at all; . . . one way I taught myself to be more conscious of my negative speak is by using a rubber band. I picked one of those hair kinds that has a wrapping around it.
Anything to create awareness of how we talk. In one of my previous post I talk how much we live and do things on automatic. We even talk and think on automatic and it takes a lot of doing to become aware and being mindful and purposeful and I think that rubber band idea is sheer genius. It is a visible and tangible thing to make you aware of something that is incredible invisible, good for you.
I love that you involve your boyfriend, we cannot do this alone, lots is so invisible to us and unless we see it, we will never be the change we want to see.
Oh I love how we all are becoming aware, it is the beginning to our willingness and commitment to change the current mess we live in. Then the next thing is to find ways how to do things differently and that is what I love about WomenLikeMe, to share the things I have found out during my quest on what to change and how.
Like this concept about conversations really has helped me in so many ways.
Oh I am excited that you are willing to take this on and perhaps WomenLikeMe is just the support you need and you might not meet George there but you will meet some awesome women :0 Hugs Wilma
I remember being on the playground with my son and one mom I barely knew told me, “Why don’t you go back to college? You are so smart, don’t let it go to waste”. She just recently enrolled in school herself so we spoke about the options. I made my decision the same day. Today thanks to my education I have a well-paid job without which we wouldn’t survive because my husband’s business went down. But I know it was that woman who gave me the push I needed because she articulated the words I kept pushing away from my mind. What I find surprising – how come none of my friends or family members ever suggested or supported this idea? How come an almost stranger looked right through me and saw that I am not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom, that I will be miserable if I don’t try to do something else?
Sometimes life sends us an important message through random people, we just need to keep our heart open and pay attention.
Aysel´s last blog ..What Truth is True?
Hi Aysel.
You touched on a point that is very complex and we explain more in depth on the WomenLikeMe program about what you ask here;
However I will endeavor to give it a go.
The conversations with people we know for a long time, have become automatic. My sister will always have the conversation about me that I cannot cook even though she hasn’t seen me for 27 years. My friends all see me as a wonderful cook after having met me. They see me how I am right now, with no preconceived perceptions and they find out things about me my family doesn’t know and doesn’t even know they don’t know. Many bloggers are surprised none of their family or close friends look at their blog. Same thing, they are not interested who you are, they are only interested in the image they have created a long time ago and thus they only have conversations based on that old image, an old context. Thus spouses, family cannot talk very well, they just stick to the same old context, the same old conversations over and over again. To break a family/relationship pattern is therefore extremely easy and at the same time very difficult. All that is needed it to change the conversation based on the NOW, away from the past. But people won’t let go of the old so no new conversations are happening. The lady in the park saw the current you and had a conversation based on that and thank goodness she did.
Therefore changing your context, finding people who have conversations of possibilities based on the NOW are the ones who will create a new future for you. THAT is what we do at WomenLikeMe, together we change the conversations about the important things in life into a far more useful one to create a brighter future. I show snippets of what we do on this blog.
I do hope that this is useful in regards to your inquiry?Thank you for asking, questions are wonderful to deepen the dialog and our collective understanding. You rock, love Wilma
Wilma, this advice – to stop mid sentence, as soon as you recognize your tone or words are hurtful – has really stayed with me. It’s similar to my therapist’s advice from a year ago. When I lose my temper, apologize. Right away. Even after the words are out of my mouth, just say “I didn’t mean that.” It can go so far to setting things right again. Or recently I tried calling a “do over.” I had been bickering with husband, then left to take the dog on a walk, and when I came back I kissed him and asked if we could start our evening over. It doesn’t erase the argument or hurtful words, but it really helps begin the healing.
Eva @ Eva Evolving´s last blog ..It’s alright to not be happy
Oh Eva, isn’t it wonderful to have this insight and change your life with this? You could have had terrible times when both your and your husband (egos) keep being stuck in a nasty conversation about each other. I did with my ex, we could stay angry for months and months, oh my what a way to live and what an example for my children.
I so congratulate you on this;
Yes, that is all that is needed, let go of a conversation that is nasty and change it into one of forgiveness and “do over”, begin again. Each moment we can begin again, we do not have to do penance, we do not have to stay stuck. We can change the conversation, change your context any moment into a collaborative and forgiving one, and life changes. We are powerful, our words are powerful and yet you wouldn’t say that if you look at how we talk.
Beautiful sharing Eva, very insightful, thank you, love Wilma.
Hi Wilma, it’s so easy to go on defensive mode when we’re feeling attacked; something I know do all too easily with those I’m closest to. But I love that you point out that we always have a choice to lift people up with our words. Give life. Be generous. This is so powerful. Thanks, as always. xx
Oh Belinda, it seems with the ones we are close to we are sometimes the least careful with our words. Yes doing damage is easily done, uplifting is a lot less common.
It is like you say, be generous with words, with your words you give life,beautifully said Belinda, xox Wilma
Beautiful, Wilma, how you wrap this one up. Those redeeming conversations are to be cherished, when we drop the masks and allow ourselves to let go of defenses. Thank you for writing of that so eloquently. Hugs.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Fortune Cookie Magic
Oh Patty, what a praise, eloquent writing, I love those words
. Drop masks, become responsive from heart to heart, that is usually so beautiful and as Belinda says, so life giving. You know, our language has phrases who allude to how we can do things a lot differently, only they have lost their meaning and have become empty words, like we do say “lets have a heart to heart talk” but we actually do not know how to do that most of the time. Hugs back to you, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma – as always a very deep post .. I know I do exactly as everyone else, though since I’ve been around this blogging fraternity I am trying to take stock of what I say, when and how .. I’m still not good – but I am getting there I think.
I guess I’m fortunate in some ways that I’m on my own and can remove myself from people who hurt (not always possible within the family environment) but at least at times I can do that even with them.
Times are changing and later this summer I’ll be less tied down and more free – then I can ruminate on your posts and absorb and learn more .. when I’m in this position then I can be with Mum and think things through ..
All the best – and hugs – Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Bat and Moth Survey Night – tonight