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Does the way you talk destruct or create?
The kitchen renovation happened peacefully and joyfully as a result of our conversations.
John and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. It was good to acknowledge how great we are together. I give my advanced skills in creative conversation a lot of credit for allowing us to do so many wonderful things with so much peace and joy between us.
Conversations make or break how your life goes, conversations create!
I have recently had a chance to see how far I have come.
We have been selling our house again. We tried before and on the very day our house went on the market the whole economy collapsed. Nice! Recently we tried to sell it again.
I must admit that I was a bit apprehensive. I had to work hard to keep my troublesome Little Voice’s destructive conversations in rein. You can imagine our delight when the house sold within two weeks to two women who loved the house just as much as we did. We once again created a win/win result peacefully and joyfully.
Until a phone call from the solicitor.
There was a problem and the house was NOT yet sold unconditionally. Yikes.
THAT was when my calm bubble broke, panic struck and my Little Voice’s destructive conversation DID win.
The solicitor needed some contact details and I could not find them. I became more and more worked up and that is how my Little Voice got me. While I was distracted by my Little Voice’s destructive conversation about how things never could work out this easy, how I was sure we must have done something wrong to have this happen and blah blah blah, I could not think straight and come up with an useful solution. I did not call John to come and help, I did not think of ending the call and ringing the solicitor back. I ended up giving him the wrong information and feeling like a fool, totally buying into that nothing can go smoothly.
After that phone call I went looking for John to tell him the news.
Having heard me out John answered that he would have liked to talk to the solicitor. I immediately knew that he was not pleased with how I handled the situation. I wasn’t either.
From feeling a fool and being upset about the whole situation, I had two choices. Indulging in my upset and letting my Little Voice go for a conversation that destructs or going for a conversation that creates by NOT giving my Little Voice free rein.
The conversation that destructs would have been totally driven by my ego who only sees its own side instead of the wholesome ‘what is so’.
I would have seen John’s comment as an attack and I would have gone straight into defense mode; “I am not an idiot you know, I can do something too IF certain people in this house kept things in order. All he wanted was some information and excuse me, how come the correct details were not there, Mr ‘I am always right’?
On and on I would rave, complaining, accusing, dragging up the past and generally undermining John’s goodwill, competence AND the positive outcome of the sale.
I would be shooting down my biggest ally, John and losing sight of the most important and relevant topic of all . . . the solicitor’s request and correcting my mistake.
My conversation would cause a delayed contact with the solicitor to correct wrong information AND very unpleasant ill feelings towards each other. What a result!
All that negativity created by my conversation. I know this well as this was how my conversations created mayhem in my first marriage.
But as I said, I have progressed so my creative conversation went like this.
I know by now that I better not listen to my Little Voice’s conversation as it never adds value. So while I lapsed and listened to it during the phone call, I corrected that and listened carefully to John instead. That had me focus on the wholesome ‘what is so’ away from my narrow ego point of view.
“Yes, I could have done it differently, point taken with no offense.”
“Yes, I am responsible for my own contact details and yes I can take this as a reminder to keep my details up to date and be in-integrity.”
“Yes John, I listen to your intent, you want to make a win/win happen and yes we have both agreed you are the one dealing with all the legal issues. NOT because I am an idiot but because you are the best person for the job. Therefore I’d better let you handle phone calls next time and now I let you get on with the job while I get out of the way.”
Within a few minutes the issue was sorted; we got peacefully on with the day, fully knowing that we respect each other and I got an experience I can learn from.
This is how quality conversations are creating our joyful life.
I have found it take guts AND commitment to change a conversation style. Although the benefits are quite spectacular, old habits and pride seem often to be in our way.
If you are hearing what I am saying here you can get a taste for what I have been talking about by these two actions;
- Find someone who always makes you feel down or uneasy in their company. Observe how they talk to you or others so you can experience destructive conversation in action.
- Notice your own destructive talk when you complain, blame and also watch your tone of voice and your facial expression. When you notice it, stop even in mid sentence and apologize.
On WomenLikeMe we are very aware of how we create our lives with how we talk. If you care too about how you are the cause in the matter and you are in a position to join WomenLikeMe, I’d say join us and MAKE that difference in your life.
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26 Comments to “Does the way you talk destruct or create?”
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Wilma,
As I read this, it immediately brings to mind where I am most likely to do this – at home, with those I love. Maybe because of the emotional attachment with these people? Anyway, it’s also the people I would like to have the most loving and caring relationships with.
So, I DO try to not let that little voice take control. Sometimes, though…I just really have to listen. Listen…with love…
Thanks Wilma. Always good to be here and think more deeply….
Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day
HI Lance, ironic isn’t it that you notice that you do this most likely at home with the ones you love. It also could be that you notice it there as you actually care the most and want it to be different the most with the ones you love.
What I am absolutely shocked about is the power of our words and how careless we actually are with them. We just open our mouth and let things come out as if they do not count, as if they do not have an impact.
If we would treat our words as we would treat money, we would not so carelessly spread our destructive words around as we do now, I am sure of that
Yes, listening without judgment coming from love is a great step to keeping our moth shut until we have gathered enough wisdom, knowledge, information to have something of value coming out of it. I do not think a zip on our mouth would be a bad idea, do you?
Love Wilma
Wilma: I think you make so many good points with this post. We really do always have to be on the lookout for negative self talk. This type of talk can really overtake all of our thoughts and chip away at our confidence and we fall into the trap of believing our doubts. I agree with you though that you can and should take control of it and that means chipping away at it one step at a time and never letting it get out of control. I also thought what you said about your conversation with others and how you manage them was important. You can really read into people’s comments and allow them to trigger doubts you may have and before you know it, you are reacting in a way that you don’t want to. I think if you are conscious of the type of energy you are bringing into a conversation and always aiming to manage them in the right way, you can make certain that you never react in a way that you don’t want to. Thanks for sharing this story.
Hi Sibyl, yes words are powerful and as you said here;
And as I mention to Lance, we are more careful with money than with words, both are energy we have to be aware of. And you too have obviously noticed the energy;
Yes, I too think that there is a lot of behaving going on that nobody actually likes, but words can pull us into line, words will stop us from stepping ‘out’ of order into someone we rather be. And of course our words can do the same, they can influence and create a certain energy and reactions. Having become aware of this has been interesting process and extremely valuable in my relationships with other people. I am no longer that vulnerable to their words, and I am certainly far more careful with mine. I am also becoming more aware of how misunderstandings can happen and all that is a very powerful tool to connect in a more intimate and productive way with others. Like is expected of a strong base camp.
Thank you Sybil for YOUR words on this topic, love Wilma
Wilma,
First, Happy Anniversary! I love what you and your husband share and how much you both learn–then teach–as your relationship continues to unfold!
As far as conversations, I try to be most mindful about always having creative conversations–if I am relating with someone I want it to be in a way that builds them up. i have been on the receiving end of destructive in my life and I never want to be responsible for that in someone else’s life. Plus, I know i am placed in a person’s life purposely, so i want our interacton to be in the most positive Light. Even if this interaction is in passing–I cannot pass Light at all if I am housing negative.
I also know when someone criticizes me it is out of fear. Today a close friend was upset with a sailing choice I made and upon my safe return home promptly chewed me out. Instead of saying wow, I care about you and I was very afraid, they berated me. It is my choice to then allow that to build in my response, or to release it, as I did and address and heal the fear behind it. I can still be creative on my end, even if desctructive is thrown at me.
Joy´s last blog ..Fearless Fun Friday…Guest Post from Joy Tanksley..
Thank you Joy for your Anniversary wishes and I feel very blessed to have a relationship as we have.
Wow Joy, what an absolutely connecting way of relating you described here;
We both have been on the receiving end of destructive conversations as so many women and men have been and I do agree wholeheartedly with what you say here;
When I read your comment about your sailing adventure and the reaction, yes, fear often made me attack as well and how astute of you to notice that it was fear. It shows how being peaceful, how being strong in your heart-center pays off. Unaware you could have had a mighty upset and nobody would have known what hit them, that happened so often in my previous marriage.
That you are aware of it all has been no doubt a result of your hard work on yourself so you can now confidently do this;
That is an awesome ability to have and to be isn’t it? Much love to you and Happy Mothers day to a glorious mother, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Happy Anniversary! I hear with those words…I catch myself and then put on my bracelet and touch it through out the day so I remember to anchor myself in love.
Also here’s a prayer for your home. We are selling ours as well and I’m saying this often!
I bless my home as a place of comfort and rest, a place where beauty and graciousness are expresses and experienced. The atomosphere of my home is permeated with love and peace, light and sunshine.
My home is a space for refreshment, renewal and mental and physicall being because the love of God is reflected in this space.
I bless and enter everyone who enters my home. I practice patience, cooperation and respect and I do all I can to create a haven where every one who enters feels, love, peace and joy within these walls.
I am grateful for my home and for the privilege it affords me of expressing grace, beauty and hospitality. From-Daily Word
Now who wouldn’t want to purchase my home?!?!
Hi Tess, it sure have been some glorious 10 years and I am so grateful to have developed the skills to make them this great!
Oh Tess, my sentiments exactly;
That is the conversation to have!
John and I have sold the house and it all happened within a week! I absolutely loved the house, John had planted as many trees as he could and it looked smashing for its price range.
We even had two people bidding against each other and we sold the house for a price higher than the asking price. It is all sealed, we have the money, the new owners have moved in last weekend and all that done within 4 weeks.
It was and is a house of love and that is how we have always talked about it.
It is amazing how the universe responds to that kind of talk.
Thus I have every confidence that you soon will have the same story to tell, because again “who wouldn’t want a house like that?”
So let’s rock on in this mighty wonderful universe, John and I are now ready to move on to our next Garden of Eden and soon you will be too. Hugs Wilma
Hi Wilma! What a beautiful example of a peaceful non-threatening conversation when things go snafu – as they always seem to do. I’ve found a mantra that helps me instead of sending me into some ego/emotional tirade. I say “This is a test – this is only a test. Breathe! Think! This is only a test!” Somehow I just don’t panic.
It is beautiful that you recognized that to getting into a tizzy and attacking your beloved would have not have solved anything and created a potentially ugly emotional scene to boot! Happy 10th – you are sure to have 100 more!
hugs,
suZen
Hi SuZen, isn’t it great to stop all that drama and stay calm and collected and sort things with a clear and sensible mind. It is amazing how we are all such drama copy writers as if there is not enough of that on television already. Drama so distorts reality and so makes things complicated which are NOT.
House is sold and with the usual snafus but NOT with any emotional upsets, bliss!
I too am so pleased to not have attacked my beloved as I would have done in the past, how stupid can one get?????
Eckhart Tolle says in his book that the ego attacks as it often sees what happens in the present as hostile. No wonder we are all so screwed up with all that weird ego mindset, or as you so rightly say our monkey mind. But no more, we older women are wizening up, and yes 100th anniversary here we come, as a result of being happy, wise and glorious. With that in mind I can see we will be friends for a long time, both working towards that while blogging and spreading our message, therefore a huge hug back, we both are in for a long haul, xox Wilma. I bet Tess will join us too.
Hi WIlma .. happy 10th and happy new home to be .. & all happening within 4 weeks despite the mini hiatus.
I still talk to myself with my Little Voice & keep correcting myself – but outwardly in talking to others I am making a concerted effort to be kind .. to others, to me, to them … as you so rightly say – it doesn’t help anyone.
It’s amazing how we become defensive immediately about this & blame others or blame something that might or might not have happened. It’s easier to say I did it, it’s my fault, and that’s the situation I’ve created .. it is the now – we can’t go back.
But I listen to others now & we’re in this culture of complaining, we never say – hey that’s great, well done .. it would make such a difference to us all. Negativity develops things not being right, not turning out right because we constantly dwell on the underside, the darker place, the not so happy place, the unwell place – & that minus zero place with its thoughts really doesn’t bring the light in .. improvement, lightness of spirit, laughter, etc etc
Thanks & I’m so pleased for you both .. another nest to look forward to – enjoy the search .. hugs from here .. can’t give you many it’s too cold (March temps) .. yugh! .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Shambles, Pawn Brokers, Hay Market, & Portobello .. evolving street names …
Thank you too Hilary for your congrats regarding our decade of togetherness. Yes, as for the sale of our house, miracles are not dependent on the economy thank goodness and you have done well with your home sale as well. Now Tess’ house next, we miracle workers can do it.
Oh Hilary I so agree that this is often what you hear when you listen;
What you see is what you get, if we see the world as against us it will be against us.
It is difficult to grasp that responsibility though and I too have to watch my defensiveness you allude so well to;
I don’t know if it is easier to take on that responsibility as I still can falter in this department, but it sure would be good if we always could, as it returns the power to where it belongs, NOT to the circumstances but to ME.
I can take responsibility when things go well, when I feel okay but when things do not go well I am still in danger of doing exactly what you say here, blame, dwelling on the past etc etc.
I can only say that I am immensely grateful that more and more of us are seeing things differently. We might not still be completely skilled in living this way, but we are getting close and how wonderful is that?
It is absolutely grey autumn weather here although not too cold and we finally get some decent rain so our tanks are filling up.
Hugs to you and your Ma, love Wilma
Happy Anniversary Wilma and John!
More later, but I just had to giggle at SuZen’s reply, “This is only a test…breathe…this is just a test…”
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..When Hit With Negative…Counter With Positive
Thanks Peggy and indeed anything to take the ego’s attention away, like distracting a child. SuZen’s got it sussed. xox Wilma
I’m consistently impressed by your willingness to wade into the murk of the relationship trenches on this blog — even into the compost toilet, as you described in a previous post — and your recognition that this is where growth happens.
Hi Chris, for me there is only one way to get to pure thoughts and the way of living how we are supposed to be and that is indeed noticing and then cleaning up the muck. In the end it is in the daily conversation with people around me during the daily doing where enlightenment shows up. If I can not get that to be clean and clear and open coming from my heart center, then I have achieved nothing.
And guess what, the worm composting toilet is going fine, when we get to converse with nature in a pure way, the collaboration there is just miraculous as well.
Oh there is so much more possible when we get to clean up our act and grow, isn’t there. xox Wilma
PS Chris’s music is awesome, has everybody here listened to it on his website?
Happy Anniversary, Wilma! And congrats on selling the house. Lots going on for you right now, and it sounds like you’re sailing through with all of your insight and wisdom. And yes, I recognize those little defenses that pop up, the ones you write about. The key, as you say, is recognizing it and not letting it carry you away. Dave and I have had our share of that too in our marriage, but you know, I think we’ve relaxed a lot during recent years. For that I’m very thankful. Hope your move goes swimmingly, and hugs to you, my friend.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays: To Mom, With Love Edition
Thanks Patty, the ten years have flown by. It is such a different experience when you can keep the conversation constructive. Life changes dramatically just by how you talk, amazing. I see destructive talk happening around me and it is so unnecessary to give each other grief that way. As Joy says it comes from fear, confusion and uncertainty but whatever the reason, damage is being done. I can imagine that you too are thankful for a more relaxed conversation between you and Dave, isn’t it great to feel supported rather that thwarted in living life?
It will be interesting to see where we will end up, have no idea yet, but I hope the Universe is looking as well. Hugs back to you, Wilma
Hi Wilma, I love your post! I agree with you that it takes commitment to change a conversation style. I think it’s important to realize that people define and see things differently. Some people may take it personally, but this just proves that different people just have different preferences. In addition, personal preferences don’t have to be the same as everybody else’s. I think it’s important to understand each other’s preference, and without having to change one’s conversation style.
Hi Kat, it sure is important to give everybody airtime for their point of view, but when it comes to doing things together or having things happen it pays to come to an arrangement without emotional baggage that then make it hard to stick to the arrangements. It pays to be aware what conversation you are having, one to explore opinions, one to get to an agreement, rather than to get stuck in and have words do damage. xox Wilma
Wilma,
Wow, are we in sync this week! I just had a conversation this morning with my husband that I could immediately see going in the unfortunate direction that it had so many times before. But earlier in the week, because of another interaction with an acquaintance which left me feeling irritated and a bit angry, I had vowed to approach conflict differently. I promised myself I would start taking responsibility for my reactions to a situation in order to bring clarity and growth to areas that were clearly in need of it – as opposed to judging the other person and being upset about their behavior. So, in the exchange with my husband, I literally heard the whine in my voice and felt the irritation rising but I stopped mid-sentence (hard as it was) and 1) apologized for my part in the conflict, then 2) told him that I respected his opinion and would do what I could to support him in coming to an agreeable solution. Although the “swallowing of the pride” was a little painful at first, the feeling afterward was exhilarating! I felt really proud of myself and moreover, the look of relief (and surprise) on my husband’s face was priceless…and we communicated wonderfully and peacefully for the rest of the day.
Thanks for sharing and happy 10th anniversary!
Reading your post today just served as validation for me that I’m on the right track!
xo,
Tisha
Tisha´s last blog ..Biz Mommy of the Week: Jennifer Davey
TISHA, you wonderful woman, this is awesome;
This is NOT easy to do, I totally agree and I love that you say you had to swallow your pride. Same here, at first it feels like giving in, like why should you be the wise one who avoids conflict, but as you say the benefits are too great to let that ego win and create havoc.
You sure have every reason to feel proud and what a glorious outcome. Peace is so much more wonderful for the soul than all that conflict and competing for right or wrong.
Tisha, this way we will all reach wonderful anniversaries. Hugs Wilma
Dear Wilma,
Sigh…such truth you write here. I learned so much by reading this. Your John is my Andy and that Little Voice has won over more often than not in my 8-years of (still) marriage bliss. Every time, I am left with regrets on how I handled things! Recent years have been much better and I have a blunder here and there (once every few months) so progress is filling me with hope and your post filling me with encouragement, thank you!
I am so happy to have discovered your blog AND read this particular post! Are you sure that Little Voice talking to you isn’t from my head?
Dear Farnoosh.
Isn’t it great to recognize each other in the great and not so great things on our journey to progress into someone we were meant to be.
I find it astounding to observe how far we have strayed and how much it takes to return to bliss and peace and love. It is all in the do-ing though and as long as you and I are committed to that, we both are filled with hope. I love how this dialog allows us to encourage each other, alone we cannot do it, alone the status quo will win, but together we certainly can achieve bliss and spread love around us. Thank you too for joining the dialog, it is important to keep these conversations about change going, love Wilma.
Gosh Wilma, I feel like I have just had the best therapy (no I have never actually been but I sure could have used some a few years ago). I told my hubby as he came home that I learned how to argue and communicate more effectively today from Wilma and that there’ll be more benefit of a doubt – and he grinned ear to ear on how nice that would be…..Seriously though, you have a way with words and a new subscriber/fan in me. Thank you!!!!
Oh Farnoosh, how cool. You know, the ego loves to fight and go for right and wrong. In the end that only creates a battle field instead of a loving conversation to get to an agreement or an understanding of another person’s point of view. You still do not always have to agree but you also do not always have to fight about disagreements either.
There are peaceful ways and isn’t that awesome and a grin from ear to ear says it all doesn’t it. Way to go and welcome to these conversations we are having here and it is great that you see the gold in all this shared wisdom, xox Wilma