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Wilma on Listening beyond the ego.
Finally listening to John beyond my ego about what is possible with the kitchen bench top.
I had an awesome time explaining ‘listening beyond ego’ on my first radio appearance on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about Death to Martyrdom. It is a show all women should listen to as the ego plays havoc with the listening of martyrs. By saying all this I am surpassing my ego who says; “Oh stop showing off.” However my heart centered self is proud and very grateful to Peggy and Erin for this chance to speak up! Ha, take that ego!
It is amazing that we are doing ‘it’ all the time and yet we know so little about what we are doing when that ‘it’ is listening.
At least that is my personal impression and from your comments this week to Monday’s post; Listening beyond what your ego wants to hear it is your impression as well.
You all had various takes on my declaration that:
The ego doesn’t actually listen. The ego judges and projects. Do not be fooled, the ego will never be capable of any quality listening. Never and thus we hardly ever access the wholesome ‘what is so’ of the people around us.
SuZen acknowledged; “I have many stories of my ego’s talent for taking over my thoughts to the extent that I hear nothing else.” Oh SuZen your ability to observe is superb and probably the death of that overbearing ego behavior.
Erin shared; “sounds like me not really listening, and hearing only what I want to and what serves my ego.”
Whereas Megan saw it as a case of; “hearing beyond our own agenda, and sensing the intention behind someone else’s words.”
Thank you Peggy for sharing a real example of how you heard your husband beyond what you already ‘know’ about him. You ‘know’ that he is a very capable and competent father, but it took something else to also hear;
Richard is doubting his role as father – “have I taught Junior all that he needs to know in life?” “have I been a good father?”
And to arrive at;
Understanding where my husband is coming from – that it’s important for Junior to have an emotional anchor here.
So it all went beyond just; “I want his damn bed out of here and that is it.” Oh Peggy, what a misery could that have caused, I do not even dare to go there and yet so many of us just destruct because we can not go any further than our ego point of view.
Congratulations, for simple as it may sound in your story, it is not easily achieved. If it was we would not be experiencing the issues that Belinda succinctly brings to our attention;
One thing I’ve noticed is I’m very good at discerning when I’m not being heard. But when it comes to me really listening, boy, I do get checkmated, especially with those closest to me. It’s not that I’m unwilling to hear. It’s not that I’m not making an effort. It is, however, a bit like those survival instincts get triggered and suddenly, I feel I need to fend for myself. I feel like I need first to be listened to before I can fully listen. And maybe that’s it. I need to feel heard in order to hear. Maybe it’s simpler than I think.
“I need to feel heard in order to hear.” Yes I believe it is that straight forward and yet it isn’t. I too have noticed that as I feel more heard by John, I hear him better as well. This feeling of being heard is such a delicious experience, I bubble with joy and love when it is happening. My favorite definition of ‘love’ is; the act of allowing, listening and accepting someone just as they are, not as you ‘know’ or ‘want’ them to be, but just as they are in this moment of now.
Loving and listening to our self is the same; listening to our self just as we are and I am NOT referring to our ego self, but to our heart centered self just as it is.
Robb shares a beautiful story of how nature is teaching him to listen beyond what he ‘knows’ when he said;
Traveling in the mountains it took me awhile to adjust my ability to Listen away from the world out here, and to begin to accept and understand that what I was hearing was true and real nature, and that there was no need for me to equate these sounds to something man made in my world out here. The fluttering of a leaf or tree branch, or mountain grasses blowing in the wind, or the drip of a new born stream, there is no need for me to FIND a reason for these sounds, they just are part of my environment. So learning that, and continuing to, has made my focus when listening out here so much better. I shut up, I stop formulating a perceived response in my head, and I listen.
Nature does not attach meaning or words to the sounds it makes; there is no ‘perceived response’ in nature . It is a useful word ‘perceived’, it says what we typically do when we do ego listening. As Megan says this process of listening beyond what the ego already ‘knows’, what it judges and projects takes practice, surrender and love.
And we need to practice with others who can help us to go beyond the ego. I could not with my ex husband but I can with John and only a few other people in my life.
Therefore we need to be careful who we practice with and on WomenLikeMe we have created a space to practice and be guided in listening beyond ego.
And to remind you of my first radio appearance, here is the link to The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show about Death to Martyrdom. It is a show all women should listen to as the ego plays havoc with the listening of martyrs. Enjoy and give your ego hell!
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12 Comments to “Wilma on Listening beyond the ego.”
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Wilma,
Wow. I am very late to this entire thread. So I went and read the original post, the comments, and this. Listening past the ego. Valuable. I think that is listening with your heart. Past the actual words, past the fears and insecurities, past the frills, to the truth as it is. And that takes practice because to listen with your heart you have to undo years of conditioning and focus on active listening, almost past active listening to just be-ing. On a level most comfortable,. yet requires utmost trust doesn’t it? Thank you for such insight…I’m going to process this further….:)
Joy´s last blog ..Wisdom Wednesday: Manifesting a Masterpiece
Joy, I am so working on practicing to listen beyond ego and you too can see the immense value of it as you say these words;
It requires trust that the ego will not allow us to have. It requires enormous trust and until you have experienced it you will not know what trust can give you. It is a catch 22 situation and it took me a lot of commitment to break through a veil into the unknown world of being a trusting person. Most of the time we get catapulted through the veil by life circumstances, but there is a voluntary more gentle way that I have learned and that is by choosing it and then practicing trust which is the path obviously you and I have chosen.
Much love, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
It was so much fun having you on our show – and so much learning!
Things I learned:
–Being a martyr ( or people pleaser) is like walking around with a permanent migraine. I know when I was in the throes of being a martyr in my first marriage, I constantly thought I was living in a fog!
–People Pleasers are really passive aggressive because they keep a lot of suppressed anger bottled up inside – and we often speak with barbed wire tongues.
–People Pleasing is a very powerful addiction
–Other people will take from you, and take and take and take until you’ve decided enough is enough!
I hope everyone reading your blog tunes in and listens to the show – because there’s a lot that needs to be learned if women are going to become the strong base camp they need to become so that they and their families can thrive!
Lots of Love,
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Neither Right Nor Wrong – Moms and Stepmoms with Jennifer Newcomb Marine
Hi Peggy, so cool to have you share what you got from ‘listening’ to me talking on martyrdom. I always love that as it shows that even if we ‘listen’ to the same message we all hear different things.
Yes, being an ego pleaser who cannot help herself is NOT fun, for nobody, because there is no free will involved. It is slavery to ones own behavior that one cannot stop, how much fun is that, to be a slave???????
I know it so well and looking back I cannot believe how weird the ways of the ego are and were.
Arggghhh.
I speak from personal experience; for over 10 years I have been committed to once and for all learn how to live in a way that has me access joy; for over 10 YEARS I have been on ego watch. It takes a lot BUT it has given me sooooo much. I cannot describe how much I love my current life, how much I have gained from my committed learning. OH I sooo want that for every woman and man, but because I know the issues women have the best I stick to women for the moment.
There is so much to be gained just by getting rid of our misconceptions and ego assumptions.
Thanks Peggy for letting me share this martyrdom enslavement with other women on your show, you made my heart sing by your contributions as well, it is such a treasure to feel so supported and understood. Much love to you and Erin, hugs Wilma
HI Sweet Wilma,
You always make me think differently and that why I love coming here. I am late..thats for sure…so have read the original eye opening post..and am here to share with you, that my ego loves the attention. It seems to always know when to make that huge block…so that whatever anybody is saying(even if its my hubby) will just not penetrate. Its only after a few minutes when i realize what an ass(pardon) i’m being does that ego go back to hiding. Cause well, It knows once I’m out…I wont let it come out too. We both cant co exist on the same mind.
It takes practice Wilma…oh so much practice!
I’m getting there.
Much Love,
Z
Oh dear Zeenat, you are so lovingly honest and that is such a contribution. Once we all declare how the ego gets us, once we all declare that the emperor has no clothes on like in that fairy tale, then we can begin to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ and get on with honest and divine living. Until then we are all fooling ourselves and we will never make the changes that are needed. I am so pleased that you have such a great alignment with your husband, and yes it takes some strong language sometimes to really get that ego back where it belongs, as far in the background as possible.
I grinned when I read this;
You are not kidding, it does take a lot of practice, a LOT of practice indeed and every second of that practice is worth it.
So dearest Z, let’s get the real ME, the divine ME steer the ship from now on, and big hugs for standing shoulder to shoulder to get that ego into its place, Wilma
Hi Wilma .. Belinda’s first needs to be listened to .. before she can fully listen … should we not listen first? Yet Robb says it very clearly .. listen and accept what you hear is what is.
I’ll be off to listen to your blog talk .. looking forward to it .. I have a cup of tea … and away I go
Thanks Wilma .. have a good weekend .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..The Okavango Delta – the perfect place to Safari or holiday? = Yes for me! Part 2/3: John’s Story….
Hi Hilary, yes we need to have our needs satisfied as well before we can give and listen freely. You need to have food yourself before you can give it away, you need to be cared for yourself before you can freely choose to care for others.
And then of course you are peaceful enough to be open as you are not needy for what you want to hear.
You will love the radio show and my double Dutch with a New Zealand accent. Ins’t all this global interaction fun? Hugs Wilma
Hi WIlma .. I started to listen for 20 minutes – but I need some earphones and time space .. so I’ll be back to listen again .. great to hear your voice .. cheers Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..The Okavango Delta – the perfect place to Safari or holiday? = Yes for me! Part 2/3: John’s Story….
Cool, take your time and as it is there to download at your convenience, you can access it any time you like, which I too find so useful, xox Wilma
Thanks for letting me know about the show, Wilma — looking forward to hearing what your voice sounds like, and maybe even witnessing you showing off a little!
Hahaha, how do you know I am a show off. You are very perceptive and as I said to Hilary I hope you will make sense of my double Dutch. But on a serious note, martyrdom gets men as well as women and it is a shocking way of playing small and of dominating others with doormat manipulative behavior. I get to realize more and more as you will do too, how much we play to other people’s tune rather than our authentic own. It is unhealthy and very epidemic and I find it imperative to return to listening to myself rather than all the shoulds and woulds put upon me by society. That will not mean return to narcissism and anarchy but to self-respect and responsibility.