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Listening beyond what your ego wants to hear.
In situations like this I do listen to the wholesome 'what is so'.
Getting to the wholesome ‘what is so’, relies on quality communication which in turn relies on quality listening.
Quality listening relies on going past the censorship of our ego and that is where most of us get checkmated.
Although I talk about listening, the ego doesn’t actually listen. The ego judges and projects. Do not be fooled, the ego will never be capable of any quality listening. Never and thus we hardly ever access the wholesome ‘what is so’ of the people around us. Quality listening is being able to see and understand the situation from someone else’s position, truly understand it, and going beyond projecting our own Little Voice’s (ego) thoughts as to what we think they think.
It is in the listening for the bigger picture that we can progress from an awkward situation to a win/win for everybody.
Our ego listens through massive filters, causing us to get stuck in awkward situations which quality listening would have solved in no time.
When John and I were not that long together, 19 year old nephew asked if he could live with us so he could go to university in our town. As my daughters were not living with us, we said; “sure”.
As soon as nephew moved in my mother instincts and doormatism instantly took over. I had to make sure he felt at home and looked after.
John saw it all happening and had a conversation with me about my desire to mother nephew, suggesting that it would NOT serve him to be mothered.
Nephew himself had no complaints, he was used to being mothered and lapped it up.
What I never heard were John’s intentions for nephew to become a well resourced adult.
Thus we had a situation of non-agreement caused by non-listening.
John wanted me to stop mothering and I wanted him to butt out and stop being so harsh on nephew.
In the meantime life went on. Nephew was happy knowing that he was on a good wicket while he had all the freedom to live life as a carefree student.
The funny thing is that I started to resent running after nephew.
After two years nephew had become so comfortable with his new home, that rather than becoming a well resourced adult, he behaved like a dependent mommy’s boy. John brought this to my attention and suggested that it would serve nephew best if he was to leave.
Well I heard that as another criticism and another nasty act by an uncaring male.
John seeing that again he would not get an agreement with this filter-rich listening by me, told me that despite my take on things, he still wanted nephew to move on for his own best interest.
Cowardly I attended the talk in which nephew was told to move on, with me not knowing what to think or say. Of course nephew did not like being told to leave.
John’s decision however proved a good one; moving on did do nephew a world of good.
It is obvious that a weak basecamp with poor listening skills is easily confused.
My saving grace was though that I did ask questions afterwards and eventually I could acknowledge that different views exist and that mine were not necessarily in nephew’s best interest.
I was honest enough to see that my filtered listening protected MY agenda and had nothing to do with finding out what John was on about or what would be best for nephew.
Once I listened to John with a genuine interest to get his point of view, I could see the wholesome ‘what is so’ of John’s decision to have him move on and I became peaceful about it.
Listening beyond the ego filters is a tough assignment though; let’s see how you get on with these challenges.
- What did your Little Voice say when you read it can’t listen? Did it agree or straight away disagree?
- Give it a go this week; listen to someone who you are having difficulties with in order to hear the wholesome ‘what is so’ from their point of view.
Listening beyond what your ego, your Little Voice, wants to hear is a big topic on WomenLikeMe. If you are serious to become a strong basecamp, reading this blog is a great start. Joining us on WomenLikeMe where you get to seriously work on developing your listening skills is the next step. Now you know what listening skills can do, join me on WomenLikeMe if you are in a position to do so.
18 Comments to “Listening beyond what your ego wants to hear.”
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Kia ora Wilma,
This is a lesson I am still learning, but once again Nature guided me in understanding. Traveling in the mountains it took me awhile to adjust my ability to Listen away from the world out here, and to begin to accept and understand that what I was hearing was true and real nature, and that there was no need for me to equate these sounds to something man made in my world out here. The fluttering of a leaf or tree branch, or mountain grasses blowing in the wind, or the drip of a new born stream, there is no need for me to FIND a reason for these sounds, they just are part of my environment, yet so far away from car horns, trucks, tee vees, and electronic buzzing, we just tune them out, and then stop hearing. So learning that, and continuing to, has made my focus when listening out here so much better. I shut up, I stop formulating a preceived response in my head, and I listen. Not always as well as I would like, but getting better. Kia kaha.
Aroha,
Robb
Robb´s last blog ..Convalescence
Kia ora Robb.
First of all great to hear that you had your operation and are soon to return to the sounds of nature again. Yes, our listening sure receives a hammering in our current lives. I consider it noise pollution; they unsettle me as they are intrusive and very much disturb my thinking. They actually rattle me. And then there is nature as you say;
These sounds do not pollute, they do not disturb, they ARE pure as I AM.
And they do heal us from our hearing impairment, they also make me listen to my soul, to the creator’s creation, to what really counts.
Oh Robb, you will be able to hear them soon again, these wonderful soothing sounds of all is well.
Aroha, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
No matter how good we think we are, the ego is always there…fogging up the glass we see and hear things through.
As you know through our conversations, my husband is deploying soon and Junior will be graduating high school in less than 2 months. After graduation, he will be leaving our home to live with his mother. Once my husband deploys, my youngest step daughter and grand baby are moving in with me because her hubby deploys, too.
For weeks, Richard was telling me “we need to keep Junior’s bed in his room” For weeks, I have been resisting this. I don’t want to keep his bed in his room. I want everything moved out because I’m not Junior’s mom and yadda yadda yadda.
Only the other day did we really sit down and talk about this. Richard is doubting his role as father – “have I taught Junior all that he needs to know in life?” “have I been a good father?” “If things don’t work out with Junior living with his mother, I’m not here to make decisions…”
And I voiced my concerns, “I’m not Junior’s mother and I don’t want to parent him without you,” “I want less chaos in my home,” and I openly admitted to resisting my husband’s desire to keep Junior’s bed in his room.
Understanding where my husband is coming from – that it’s important for Junior to have an emotional anchor here – helped me soften and I’ve agreed that I will be the contingency plan. If it does not work out for Junior to live with his mother, I will be the back up plan.
Only when I let go my grip on resisting was I able to listen to my husband and understand. To his credit, Richard admitted that without an explanation on his part, there was little understanding and he understood my resistance.
I think just knowing he has a contingency plan and I am my word, when he deploys for 12 months, he can leave knowing that he can count on his back up plan.
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Death to Martyrdom: Reclaiming Your Happy, Healthy Self
Oh Peggy. what a beautiful image you are describing here. No ego battle of opposing positions, but an authentic willingness to hear beyond the ego and come to a solution all can be happy with.
Why is this often so difficult? Those blasted egos have a lot to answer for.
Of course there can be a different point of view but why do we have to fight over it instead of what you did, sharing with the best of intention and thus coming to a solution all can be peaceful with;
Often when we are listened to we can all become clear of our own intentions too, often they are invisible until they are talked about.
It is wonderful how Richard could see his concerns because you listened, that is gold isn’t it? You also really know why he insists on that bed in the room and then you both can agree what the next best action to take is.
At least with or without the bed, Richard now knows that Junior will be safe and that is all that counts. Even the bed might no longer have to be a symbol of that.
Peggy, listening does make relationships rock, this is a beautiful example of that. You are such a star and such a contribution with stories like this, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma! Like you, I have many stories of my ego’s talent for taking over my thoughts to the extent that I hear nothing else. Boy, I’d like to believe that is past history! Staying in the present moment really helps – as well as knowing how screwed up things get when you aren’t! I believe you ARE fully present, you cannot repeat the past – there just isn’t room for it!
Hugs
suZen
Oh SuZen, you are not exaggerating here about how we screw things up when you say
Oh the ego loves bringing the whole gruesome past into the present over and over again. No wonder we are fearful of making mistakes or moving on when we have such a effective enemy to keep reminding us how imperfect and incapable we are.
Yes, staying in the present and starting each day with none of that baggage sure helps the conversations and the listening we will be doing in that moment.
And SuZen isn’t life glorious without all that screwed up thinking? It is so much more peaceful and so much more enjoyable AND so much more is happening because we are no longer being stopped.
Rock on, oh woman who has moved past the ego, in your company the world and what is more . . .other women see how life is supposed to be. Huge hug, Wilma
I think I run into this issue a lot, so I was excited when I saw the title of this post. “Clear listening” is one mechanism of awakened living; hearing beyond our own agenda, and sensing the intention behind someone else’s words. It’s something that takes some practice, surrender and love to do consistently.
I keep trying, because I see the value of hearing what’s really being said as opposed to what I want to be said.
Thank you, Wilma!
Megan, you wonderful soul. Yes it takes enormous practice actually to go beyond the filters you are listening with. The first time I really saw the extend of my own filters was such a shock. I could not believe how blind I was, I could not believe that I did NOT see before what I could see now. I guess that is awareness isn’t it, really seeing what you could not see before. Then the next step needed to be taken and I found that another hurdle that took some time to deal with, acting upon what I saw and correcting my behavior accordingly. But as I said to SuZen and I am sure you will agree with me, life is so much richer when you can hear and see more than your own limiting Little Voice will allow. It is like always going for the same menu and never trying any other food and then complaining that the food is boring.
So lets not limit ourselves, let’s try out the whole menu of life and I am grateful for your support Megan as it encourages me hugely. Lots of love, Wilma
Oh my, sounds like me not really listening, and hearing only what I want to and what serves my ego. An excellent reminder for all of us. Thank you so much. You have a knack for digging into our common issues to solve. You are such a blessing!
Hi Erin. I am determined to honor the life we have been given, I am determined to honor the Divine spark we all have in us. It does not suit anybody to have my ego guide me away from who I really AM with its narrow and screwed world view. Thus my listening needs to go beyond that to get to the wholesome ‘what is so’ in every aspect of my life. As I am able to listen to others, I am able to connect and ultimately it will make me able to listen to and connect with the Divine message as well.
That is worth the practice, that is worth being honest with myself and acting upon what I am discovering. And you are a blessing to respond and give your support as we are in this together Erin, we only can do this together. XOX Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I’m sittin in the airport blogging and my ego is dormant for the moment;) Hubs and I just had a talk about our egos getting the best of us in Fl. We’re off our meditating routine and even though I packed a lot of tools for my journey that was one I forgot.
The one thing I learn when I’m messing with my ego is how good it feels when I’m back on track. Amen to that!
Oh Tess, what a mighty opponent the ego is. Incredible really, and it shows that ego alert is the way to go. And what a blessing that you do have the skill to be on ego alert, as you and Roger have not underestimated the ego and worked hard on those skills. And as a result you and Roger rock, and you show us how life can be done. You have a wonderful holiday, I know you will and indeed Amen to that, my BFF. Now go and have much fun, xox Wilma
Hi WIlma .. our ego .. mine I’m sure is around .. but my gosh is it and I battered – I’m holding it in constraint against narcissistic happenings .. I really could do without. I hope that once all this has settled down that I will be able to put into practise all these ideals – at least for the most part.
I have started to make a practise at listening .. and reading what is not said, or what is not written .. or just biding my time, while filtering happens.
I’m exhausted, but this process probably takes the sting out of the tail .. as I’m going with the flow (however horribly swelly the tide is and it is rather larger than I’d like) .. and just letting things be – if that’s what people want to say or do – fine .. I’ll hang on in without getting rattled – I don’t have the energy .. except to do what I need to do now.
It’s interesting times .. I do wish I could join you .. but not at the moment ..
Thanks for a really interesting post and wonderful comments .. just makes life for us .. conversational bloggers – who’d ever thought we’d be doing this across the world on a regular basis?!!
Have a great week .. hugs to you both – Hilary xxoo
Hilary´s last blog ..The Okavango Delta – the perfect place to Safari or holiday? = Yes for me! Part 1/3
Oh Hilary, when times get tough like in your life, wow battling the ego as well is a huge ask, I agree wholeheartedly.
So first and foremost Hilary, be gentle on yourself, there is apparently enough beating you going on without you joining the fray as well. AND of course the ego is right in there, ego loves controversy, fights, right / wrong and chaos.
So finding peace in the midst of this chaos is really hard and very hard to do without support. So for what it is worth, you have my love and hugs and when in tough times when it is hard to keep your head above water, you are spot on, just focus on daily doing is enough. AND nurture yourself, take a wonderful glass of wine and never ever be stingy in the department of looking after yourself once in a while. Do not feel guilty, just pamper yourself whenever you get a chance.
Lots of love to you, and just you today, xox Wilma
Dear Wilma,
This pretty much says it all for me:
One thing I’ve noticed is I’m very good at discerning when I’m not being heard. But when it comes to me really listening, boy, I do get checkmated, especially with those closest to me. It’s not that I’m unwilling to hear. It’s not that I’m not making an effort. It is, however, a bit like those survival instincts get triggered and suddenly, I feel I need to fend for myself. I feel like I need first to be listened to before I can fully listen. And maybe that’s it. I need to feel heard in order to hear. Maybe it’s simpler than I think.
Thank you, as always, for your wisdom.
Love,
Belinda
Oh Belinda, your honest reflection is endearing. It is so human to want to be heard first before we can feel generous enough to listen to others, We cannot give what we have NOT, we cannot give listening when indeed we feel we have had no listening ourselves.
For good listening requires a strong basecamp, it required first self growth in which we have learned to listen to ourselves, to our needs. So yes listening requires a lot more than two ears, it is a skill based on a solid foundation of self worth, self love and peacefulness.
You did listen well though, you did pick that up because you say;
It is that simple and yet it isn’t . . . because how many of us are really working hard to get to a strong basecamp full of self worth and peace so we have room to listen, really listen?
Thank you for listening, really listening, love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
My ego refused to hear for about 14 months that I was a victim of family violence. My ex-husband didn’t hit me, didn’t yell at me, didn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Yet, one after another, people I met during that time straight away told me that I was being emotionally and psychologically abused. And they hadn’t even met him or heard any of my story. They just met me and looked into my eyes.
My ego would not hear that I could be “stupid” and “gullible” enough to fall prey to an emotional, sociopathic manipulator like my ex. And yet with time, with more and more evidence that just could not be explained away, I finally realised the truth. My ego was very bruised, but it had to admit that it was indeed fooled.
So, when I read your blog, Wilma, I immediately thought that, yes, my ego doesn’t listen. It protects itself from harm, it does not want to think itself wrong.
So instead of my ego, I am now listening to my gut, my instinct, my intuition. I let my ego have its sulk, but don’t let it over-rule my innate knowledge of what is right.
Thank you for bringing this up…
Dorothy´s last blog ..Fed up with myself…
Oh Dorothy, welcome to the club, what you say here is how it was for me;
Totally and utterly fooled I was too.
Dorothy, I recommend you on only taking 14 month, it took me 28 years to finally go beyond my ego, and I am no longer ashamed to admit that I, an intelligent woman was fooled for that long.
At least we know the culprit now, the ego, a very very mighty opponent indeed.
Dorothy, you are becoming one fabulous strong basecamp with these skills;
Yes, we all have innate knowledge, we have an indigenous ME whose intelligence far exceed that one of the ego.
Dorothy, you make my heart sing, there is a way out, there is a cure, once we have these explanations all we need is practice and support to keep going.
Love Wilma