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How to kill off martyrdom
No prolonged martyrdom here. After 17 days baby left home!
Despite my great mom I have been a martyr.
The first time I really got to see how ugly and stupid my martyrdom really was, I was in a state of shock.
I could not stop crying.
Real martyrs are effective and courageous while being a stand for a cause they firmly believe in.
True I did believe in a cause, a happy, close knit family but instead of a courageous fighter, I saw that I was a whimpering doormat, suffering to arouse sympathy with my feeble and ineffective attempts.
Oh to see that hard cold truth was incredibly confronting. Seeing I was an ineffective whimpering doormat shook me to the core.
I hate to say this, but most of us are whimpering doormats instead of courageous martyrs taking a firm stand for a happy family.
A family can only be guided to happiness by a strong happy basecamp.
I as a surrogate martyr – a doormat- only ‘keeps the peace’ at all cost, MY costs at MY expense.
‘ Keeping the peace’ is not about happiness but indicates a state of war and is about adversary.
Adversary drains us as just as much as living in a war zone does, so no wonder martyrs are tired.
Think about that!
That initial shock was a very strong incentive to give up my so called martyrdom and I learned that martyrdom IS a complex thing to give up.
The cause of having our families be happy is a good one BUT the assumptions of martyrs as to what is required to have the family be happy are seriously flawed.
I share some of what I have found out and I hope to God that it gets you thinking about your martyrdom too.
Martyrdom does NOT make happy families.
Martyrdom is about ‘keeping peace’ and suggests that you are in an unfavorable situation, think about that!
Martyrdom is exhausting and had me die inside.
It makes me grumpy and a kill joy killing happiness instead of encouraging it!?
Contrary to what a martyr believes, standing up for yourself by setting boundaries is NOT selfish or a sign of being a wicked witch.
While I knew my martyrdom days were over, I still judged my sister in law who did set boundaries as harsh, unkind, dictatorial and even unlovable. Secretly I thought that my children loved me more than her children loved her. It didn’t help that my husband’s family talked negatively about her and her strict ways, as she set boundaries around her husband as well. On his days off he got given chores, how unfair!?
You can see why I said martyrdom is a complex thing to give up!?
For a martyr children are impressive opponents. They are takers, they have to as long as they are dependent. So they take as much as they can, relentlessly and incessantly and unlike the baby bird they go on UNTIL somebody says “STOP”.
They can even display this ‘right’ of being indulged well into their adulthood UNTIL you wean them off ‘that milk’ as well!
That was a huge lesson for me as I used to keep on giving and giving to ‘keep the peace’, because kids do not take it lightly when they are being told “NO MORE”. They quickly learn to fight dirty and ruthlessly too.
“Oh mom, I do not love you anymore when you are like that, dad/gran/aunty is so much nicer.”
And for the gazillions of stepmom martyrs that are now around this one must be a killer; “Well, you are NOT my real mother and you cannot tell me anything.”
I found it hard to believe how ruthless children can be, but be aware. They go for broke although it is not them who is getting broke.
No wonder that any initial feeble attempts on my part had no impact on such ‘worthy’ opponents, they needed a very strong “NO MORE” and I needed to learn that in order to survive.
In my case it did not help either that I did not know how to solicit the support of my (now ex) husband, which I thought should be my biggest ally. Mistaken assumption here too!
Besides being a taker himself, he was a control freak and his way of dealing with the children was not mine.
We could not talk at all about how to handle the children and without a supportive relationship it is impossible for a martyr to give it up.
I have also seen men being martyrs and push-overs and with two martyrs there is no show to get boundaries established. The children will win all the time.
Martyrs need to understand and be encouraged to access the ‘male’ energy in them, it is that energy that in the end allowed me to hold my ground without taking the attacks from the kids personally.
It is the ‘male’ energy within me that has me set boundaries and has me follow through with consequences when my ‘no’ gets challenged.
It is obvious that recovering martyrs like me needed support to do that and I never got it in my first marriage.
I did not realize that I could have looked for support from other women when I could not get it from my ex-husband.
Isolated as I was in those days, where was the person who could give me guidance about my destructive habits, who could explain what was going on?
As I said it takes some doing to let go of this complex thing called martyrdom aka whimpering doormat syndrome.
Life and you are unrecognizable once you let go of doormatism though and I am adamant that the WomenLikeMe program will eradicate it out of every member’s life.
Part of letting go of martyrdom is learning to set boundaries and facing up to some tough actions .
I invite you to;
- decide what boundaries you would like to set.
- decide what consequences you will follow through with when getting challenged. Choose one you are prepared to implement 100% and will not back down from.
- get support with your implementation because never underestimate your opponents!
Another action I recommend is to take this martyrdom seriously and join me on the WomenLikeMe program to rigorously work on making your basecamp strong and eradicate martyrdom once and for all. You must know by now that I am itching to support you.
14 Comments to “How to kill off martyrdom”
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HI All.
.
Thanks Peggy for letting us know that the link to the full post was not working while we were busy with the sale of our house.
It is up and running now and ready for all your comments on how you have been getting on with martyrdom in your life
Love Wilma
Wilma, thank you, I am indeed thinking about that, and how perceptive your insight is. “Keeping the peace” already supposes there is state of unrest or even war that has to be placated.
Your post is just so honest and refreshing and brave. Thank you so much. Your courage in telling your truth creates such a compassionate space for us all to admit the truth of our lives. I especially loved,
This is just so important. When there are too many challenges it becomes so much simpler to back down on all of them because we lose our nerve. But to stand firm on one can be such a breakthrough that releases even more reserves of courage. And we become ever more brave.
A wonderful, inspiring post, Wilma! Afternoon greetings from the mountains in Japan – Catrien Ross.
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Getting Unstuck By Gently Letting Go
Hi Catrien.
Isn’t it interesting that talk about keeping the peace and you are dead on that an honest choosing requires going all the way and not backing away from the consequences.
We have no longer the courage and discipline to really look at life with our own two eyes and thus we even resort to silly martyrdom in the hope that all will be well without taking responsibility.
And as you can probably see, I am learning the hard way or the only way, I am learning from my experiences and let me tell you some I will NOT repeat and thus I have the intent to honestly find out the wholesome ‘what is so’ so I can change as a result of the experience. And then being brave becomes a normal state of being and wonderful things will happen. Greetings back from a fall colored New Zealand, xox Wilma
Wilma, what a powerful, truthful post! You are right about children (and husbands) taking until one is just a puddle on the floor. For years I thought it was THEIR fault until I wised up and realized I PLAYED INTO IT! Gulp. Truth can be a hard teacher but in the end, a true friend too. Brilliant post and perfect photo for it! Brava!
Hi Diantha, it is amazing how many of us have been there AND how it never ever has served any of us to go to that level of sacrifice. NOBODY has ever benefited and yet we women all go there at some point in our live. And this is such a good point to get;
If we wait for other people to rescue us we can wait a long time. It is the doormat who has the problem and WE have to so something to get out of it AND learn to cope with the challenges that that takes. Yes, the truth can be painful to hear, for me it was such a shock, such a shock to realize how wrong I was about the gold of my doormatism.
Isn’t it great though to have come out of it, yeah for a strong basecamp.xox Wilma
Dear Wilma,
I’ll never forget the turmoil I caused when I decided that I could no longer turn back flips for my kids. Ah yes…takers they were…and they expected me to turn on a dime at the drop of hat…to be at their beck and call 24/7.
For awhile after my divorce, I wanted to run away from home. I didn’t like who I had become post divorce – driven by the guilt of my failed marriage and broken family. My girls took every advantage – poked, prodded, whined, complained, – until I did what they wanted. Often, at great sacrifice to myself.
I called it quits when my youngest daughter, then 16, begged and pleaded with me to take her car shopping three days after my first chemo treatment…I felt like death warmed over…but I got out of bed and went car shopping with her. About an hour into it, I told her I needed to go home. She threw a fit. I had the car keys, got into my car, and started driving away. Of course she ran after me but that was the end of my guilt ridden martyr days.
My girls were awful as I made the changes I needed to make – to be a strong, happy, healthy center. They called me “selfish.” My oldest claimed I lived in “Peggy Land.” (Of course I live there…and it’s a great place, too!)
By the time I met and married my husband, Richard, both my girls had come around (took me about 18 months). At our wedding, my oldest made an impromptu speech. To paraphrase what she said, “it’s taken me a while, but I get it. You are the happiest I’ve ever seen you and I want to be more like you. Because you are happy, everyone else around you is happy, too.” She was only 22 when she said that.
I’ve showed both my girls how to create a strong center, a strong basecamp. And it’s something I’m led to teach others how to do as well.
Peggy´s last blog ..Technical SNAFU and Other Tidbits
Oh Peggy look at you now, you are rocking and yes what an example you are for your daughters as well as for all recovering doormats. And this is what we need to brace ourselves for when we decide to make the changes;
You are so right to mention what opposition we can expect.
The irony is that once we have persevered though we get to hear this most beautiful tribute to having made a stand for ourselves;
Peggy, what else can I say, your comment is the best encouragement to do away with martyrdom at all cost.
Women, lets all rock and learn together how to do it.
Thanks Peggy for being such a stand and role-modelling strong basecamp. Hugs Wilma
Hi WIlma .. martyrdom .. I can relate .. but you know I think I’m changing .. life is progressing .. lots going on – but there should be a light at the end of the tunnel and I assume there is .. I’m optimistic and positive.
People – .. gosh horror stories and I’m so glad I’m not in that mode any more, or with people who are .. and I can quietly get on improving my life = and that is an essential.
Have a great weekend .. and aren’t the comments just great .. I hope to get to Peggy’s talk later on .. really just too shattered and hope it’ll be recorded etc .. – all the best – xxoo Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Pevensey Castle, Normans Bay, smuggling and family remembrances … Part 1
Hi Hilary, yes certain circumstances do require a lot of giving sometimes like a new baby and in your situation an elderly mother with major health problems needing a lot of care. Life happens and as you say it still doesn’t have to floor us if we do not let it.
That is the way of a powerful basecamp, we make sure we use all the resources to have us sponsor us in our life expeditions.
You will enjoy the radio talks, I am absolutely convinced that everybody who listens in will go away with some great insights and new ways how to do things differently.
They are recorded and you can access the previous shows via a button on Peggy’s website called The Stepmom’s Tool Box. However as I said it is actually not only stepmoms who benefit, any women will relate to the issues that are being discussed.
Hugs to you and I am so pleased you are NOT resorting to martyrdom, you are doing yourself and your Ma a huge favor here. xox Wilma
So many interesting points and hard truths here, as usual, Wilma. I have known male martyrs as well, but truly it is usually women, and as you point out, usually in family life. The conditioning we receive, and the ongoing social pressure (as your story about your sister-in-law points out) to be the one ‘responsible’ for everyone’s happiness, no matter what the sacrifice is to ourselves, is powerful. And parenthood, especially motherhood, does require sacrifice. It is partly even biological – our very bodies will give nutrients to the baby in our womb first when we are pregnant, even to the detriment of our own physical health. So I think the instincts run deep…
But we do have to take our power back as our children grow, or they will never learn how to stand on their own, or how to respect others. If they can’t respect us, their caregivers, who will they respect? I love the idea of ‘family-centered’ living, which is based on assessing and balancing the needs of ALL family members, continually. In modern parenting, there is often talk of ‘child-centered’ living on the one hand, or parent-centered on the other, but never a happy medium. That is what we strive for in our household. I am not sure we always succeed, I also can see the martyrdom tendencies rise up, but it is at least a goal that helps me focus on boundaries…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..Gone Meditatin’
Hi Lisa. I love how you bring in our social conditioning; the ongoing social pressure (as your story about your sister-in-law points out) to be the one ‘responsible’ for everyone’s happiness, no matter what the sacrifice is to ourselves, is powerful.
Yes, and we hardly ever question that social pressure and see if it still fits in our own personal private context.
I do agree that babies need our full attention; It is partly even biological – our very bodies will give nutrients to the baby in our womb first when we are pregnant, even to the detriment of our own physical health. So I think the instincts run deep…
BUT as you say children grow up and can take some of the load of us. I too enjoy the idea of ‘family-centered’ living driven by a heart-centered basecamp that can draw its intelligence from the heart NOT from a social conditioned mind.
It is cool that you strive for that because ALL in the family have needs which also keep changing. That way they learn to look out for each other as a team and go beyond themselves.
I am sure you will not always succeed, we are not very skilled at the moment in many people related areas as long as we see ourselves separate. But it sure that you are going a lot more in the right direction than most and anything that helps you to be aware of boundaries is fantastic. Go Lisa go, and ‘Gone Meditatin’ sounds like an awful good post title to me. xox Wilma
Hi Wilma!
I’m fairly new to your blog and am absorbing as much wisdom from each post that I can
This one in particular has really struck me. I feel like I’m in a transitional stage in my life right now. I’m a first-time mom of an 11-month old little girl. That alone has triggered so much that no single comment could cover it. This idea of martyrdom hits me in the gut. I realized recently that I have been acting the martyr … I’m not even sure how long it’s been going on but having a new baby and balancing that responsibility with my husband has really brought it to light … in both of us.
One of my dreams is to be the type of woman my daughter can look up to. A woman who is fearless in creating her best life, who has true affection and love for herself and who is content in *being* herself. I know that for me part of the journey to be this woman includes letting go of martyrdom.
I guess I just want to say Thank You. Thank you for discussing this topic and thank you for offering evidence as to how much better and more peaceful life can be without martyrdom.
((hugs))
Jen
Hi Jen.Welcome and I love the fact that you are listening and can see the importance of a strong basecamp. it is so cool to observe yourself once it has been put to your attention ;
I love your dream too;
And that means indeed letting go of martyrdom that keeps us behaving in a way that absolutely does not bring the greatness out in us.
.
At WomenLikeMe we cover 13 topics to deal with how to become a strong basecamp, there are a lot of areas we have to address to become unstuck from habits, behaviors and thinking patterns that are not serving us. I can understand you cannot cover everything you want to say in this comment
Jen, I am absolutely thrilled that you are getting the importance of working on becoming the indigenous YOU, for you, your husband AND of course your little girl. We can only break the cycle for all of humanity by doing it ourselves first.
The biggest hug back, Wilma