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Is martyrdom dead yet?
My mother's ring, oozing my mother's self care and self worth.
Is Martyrdom dead yet?
You wish now we have dishwashers, education & careers and the word ‘equality’ in our vocabulary.
But is it?
Are we confident providers, do we set ourselves up to be a well resourced basecamp capable of supporting everybody without depleting ourselves, losing out on fun in life and avoiding being resentful?
Hmm.
Although we all have great intentions to be the best basecamp for our families, we are NOT getting the importance of keeping basecamp strong, of looking after ourselves.
Most of us still go for martyrdom, most of us still tragically lose ourselves under the strain of all we have taken on.
We become grumpy while our guilt increases when having nasty thoughts about everybody and everything.
Many women still are drained and reluctant basecamps that are not much fun for anybody.
We all have seen people walking around as if on eggshells, afraid to trigger us off, haven’t we?
How many of us are sick of hearing our own nagging voices?
Haven’t we all heard partner’s or children exasperatedly asking us to please, please do something to bring our old smile back?
OUCH! and until all that stops and our complaints are no longer showing up in the bloggosphere, martyrdom is alive and well I am afraid.
I have been very lucky, I grew up with a mom who was the best basecamp ever.
She knew how to look after herself. I cannot remember her ever being angry, irritated or grumpy. She was the most generous, happy and loving person I knew, doing lots for her family and other people and doing it effortlessly.
Once married my mom ended up having five children in rapid succession, so she was very busy.
That did not stop her looking after herself. She looking after herself by creating daily routines that served her.
When we were older, I remember that after she organized breakfast and lunch for everybody, she would sit down for 30 minutes with her coffee and a crossword. She never skipped that ritual and she never did it for longer than 30 minutes. It gave her time to herself after the mad morning rush and it made her ready to get on with her other chores. At mid morning she would have coffee with a lonely neighbor. She would get to sit down and the neighbor would get some company, win/win for both.
She also insisted on an afternoon nap.
She was clear about boundaries, saying what she would and would not do and that supported her hugely in not taking on more than she could handle.
She refused to work in my father’s shop, although my father would have liked her help and people always asked her why she didn’t. She told us often that looking after us at home was more important AND more than enough. I remember her telling me that made me feel important.
My mother had no hesitation to get paid help with the cleaning, she certainly saw no gain in martyrdom in that department either.
I never saw any guilt from not helping my father, or spending his money or making her life as pleasant and relaxed as she could.
She knew that my father loved working in his shop and she made sure that she had a good time at home, win/win again.
When we were old enough, my mom would organize us and then take off for 3 days to visit her favorite sister. She never failed to tell us how much she enjoyed those stays.
Not that she had to, it was obvious from the joyfulness she radiated when she came home and the funny stories about what they had been up to.
Once the shop generated more than enough money my mom spent it on us, her home AND herself.
My mom knew how to spend money on fun things when there was money left over.
Once she brought me three dresses in one go because we could not decide which one we liked the best. Talk about feeling abundant, I experienced abundance right there and then, we actually both did. I loved the receiving and she loved the giving.
She had fun spending it on herself as well and for that I will always be grateful.
One spending I will never forget. It was at the time my grandmother had died and left us some money.
After my parents bought new furniture, my mother decided she wanted a ring as she had nursed my grandmother.
For days she talked about it and then her and I set off to buy one. I will never forget that feeling of prosperity when we were at the jeweler’s, looking at all that beauty while selecting a ring for my mom.
For years after that whenever I saw that ring, that same prosperous feeling engulfed me.
I now have that ring and it is my most precious possession after my mom died.
From the photo you can see it is not the most expensive ring but it sure is valuable to me.
My mom taught me that looking after yourself serves everyone. She was a basecamp extraordinaire.
She oozed enjoyment, ran a well organized family who felt well cared for and she had lots of extra capacity to spread her love around. People gravitated towards her. We had a cousin living with us for seven years, she looked after both my grandmothers in their last days.
The window cleaner came to her to fill up his water tank and get his cup of coffee and the milkman choose our place to eat his lunch.
She was generous to others because she was generous to herself.
As she had great self worth, she found the worth in other people.
As WomenLikeMe says on ‘Me; a prosperous Structure‘;
Putting yourself first serves everyone. Consider yourself basecamp, recognize how pivotal YOU are AND look after yourself. That is the greatest contribution you can make to the wellbeing of everybody and everything around you. Invest in you and make basecamp strong is the best thing you can do.
When basecamp is well resourced to do its task, everybody’s expedition, everybody’s life has a lot more chance to succeed.
I couldn’t agree more, my mother’s self care made her the best basecamp ever and as a result she had her greatest intent fulfilled, a prosperous and joyful family without losing sight of herself.
If we all took care of ourselves like my mom did, martyrdom would be dead.
It sounds so simple what my mom did, but is it?
I and this blog are all about doing things differently.
I am going to make some suggestions as to what you can change in your do-ing to eradicate martyrdom.
Having this week distinguished the value of self care, I invite you to;
- Consider yourself as basecamp and observe how much you do for everyone else.
- Look at your resources such as time, parenting and communication skills, money, tools, friendships, hobbies and observe if they are enough or if there is a lack.
- Create a new routine about something you enjoy doing so it becomes a regular happening in your life … IF YOU DARE!
To speak as Joy does; let’s all stand ’shoulder to shoulder’. Let’s work together on being the change we want to see and banish martyrdom forever.
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37 Comments to “Is martyrdom dead yet?”
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Hi Wilma! Welcome back! Was your time away refreshing? Hope so!
My mother had a PHD in martyrdom! It was AWFUL! Since I found it so UNappealing, there was no way I’d allow myself that trait. I did make a lot of sacrifices for my kids when they were little but never took on the mantle of martyr. Like anything else we do or think, it is a choice we make as we write our own song.
Hugs,
suZen
Hi SuZen. Thank you for asking, John and I had a wonderful time; breaking the work routine sure is refreshing. And I have just seen where you went on vacation, wow, I trust you had a swell time too.
Yes, martyrdom is NOT a good look and actually does not serve anybody and makes everybody feel uneasy.
I wholeheartedly agree with what you say;
There is no need to is there? There is giving freely and authentically which you managed to do and then there is the over the top giving in a way that is actually inauthentic and has nothing of freedom in it. Not for the martyr and not for the receiver either, yuck.
I am sure that your song is far more melodious and in tune :~). Big hug back, Wilma
Oh Wilma,
Martyrdom is so alive and rampant–I hear talk among my friends and they are burnt out, exhausted..but it is their choice…
It is my choice to take care of myself so that I may be healthy and whole and offer pure and clean abundance in all that I share with those around me…so that what I do share is full of good energy and Light. It is my choice to teach my children to be responsible and share in household chores so that we may build our home together.
I love your moms routine. I’ve recently made it a priority to make sure my morning and evening routines are in place so my own heart whispers are heard then I may give my all throughout the day as I am refreshed and drawing from a full well, then replenish in the evening so I may rest fully.
I needed this because in all honesty I was falling into my own martyrdom trap, waiting on someone hand and foot because I felt obligated. This helps no one, erodes good, and puts negative energy out there. Once I recognized it–quite quickly–I stopped it. I went back to what I know, and life is back to “normal”. Often we can become caught in a cycle and ignore the signs…the signs were blaring, and I’m glad I recognized them and adjusted accordingly. In the past, I would have just kept going and crashed and burned. So, I am glad to see I’m learning:)
If you are caught in the martyrdom cycle, know that as women we’ve all been there at some point–it’s part of our culture, what we’ve been taught is part of a good woman in any role. Even taking back a few moments for yourself, then growing those, are healing.
Oh Joy, your comment is full of goodies and I love this one the best;
THAT is it! Good energy and Light, rather than heavy and full of resentment giving is what we women really want to have happening.
You are very good to have recognized in time that you were falling into the martyrdom trap, nobody wins. It is funny how you say that the signs are now glaringly obvious, they usually are but not to the martyrs themselves.
I love that we are learning what is good for us, it makes such a difference to the quality of life, ours and our loved ones.
Martyrdom sounds so old fashioned but it sure is not and what you say here is still so valid;
And isn’t that weird that despite all the other things we are supposed to be doing to be a ‘good’ woman, this martyrdom is still one of them???
And yes;
One small step at the time will go a long way.
Oh Joy, you are a champ for no longer going that way, you and your loved ones do not deserve that, xox Wilma
Hello there Wilma!
Just wanted to say that I LOVED this post. This is the kind of woman I wish and hope to be when I am a mother someday. It sounds so simple, but I know that once a baby comes in the picture it may be easier said than done to create this sort of discipline. Currently I have no problem at all taking care of myself, but we shall see what the future brings.
I only wish that my mom would understand this concept of basecamp and taking care of herself. She is my best friend and the best person I know, but she is always putting people and their needs in front of hers. I remind her all the time to do what she loves and to take time for her, but nothing seems to change. Luckily she is a believer of small pleasures and treasures so I hope that she will get better.
Anyhow, this blog will be one for the saving as I will be looking back on it again and again to remind myself of how I want to be and live.
Thanks Wilma for sharing
Hey Kristie, you are clever to know a good woman when you see one. And yes it sounds simpler than it is especially when children are involved. It is good that you are already taking care of yourself though, that is a good start especially with a mom who is not that inclined!
You are so kind to observe and then to share this with your mom;
It wasn’t until I saw how ugly martyrdom really is and how uncomfortable it is to live with a martyr, that I got over any inclination to go there. Once I saw it actually doesn’t do the people I am doing it for any good and that it is actually more for my benefit that I could stop it.
, hugs Wilma
So until your mom sees it in other women and then recognizes herself in it, she is not likely to change. BUT at least you know what you are looking for so you will be able to avoid the trap, I am sure. Otherwise come and join all the recovering ex-martyrs on WomenLikeMe and we will set you straight
Wilma, what a beautiful and uplifting post to read today! Thank you for sharing that story, and inspiring me.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..What If? (Love As The Ultimate Unifier)
Thanks Megan, I so enjoyed writing it and paying this tribute to my mom. It was lovely to acknowledge her this way even after she has been dead for so long.
Hugs to you, Wilma
Welcome back Wilma and thank you for this inspiring blog! I cringed when I read:
“We all have seen people walking around as if on eggshells, afraid to trigger us off, haven’t we?
How many of us are sick of hearing our own nagging voices?
Haven’t we all heard partner’s or children exasperatedly asking us to please, please do something to bring our old smile back? ”
I have recently seen the look of trepidation in my stepdaughter’s eyes when she does something trivial, like spill something on the floor, knowing that it will trigger my annoyance and a nasty look. I have recently heard my husband beg me to “please just smile more and love life” as I allowed myself to slip deeper and deeper into a weekend funk that didn’t even seem to have a source. I do not want to be this person and your insightful post on strengthening my basecamp and taking care of myself really resonates. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Hugs,
Dayle
Dayle´s last blog ..Awakening to my divinve magnificence & moments of perfection
Oh Dayle, I so admire your ability to observe. That is where it all starts with knowing of course what to do differently.
I am so pleased to hear you say this;
No we do not have to be this kind of unpleasant person, we absolutely do not do anybody a favor and we do not win anything either.
So Dayle, go for it, keep that observing of yours alive and know that it doesn’t have to be this way. Lots of love to you, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I am glad you are back and well rested!
You already know what an impact this post had on me – it’s what I see women doing day and day out as stepmoms. They are sucked into being a martyr – because they think they have to give up everything and give their all to erridicate the cultural stereotype that stepmothers are wicked, evil, nasty vile creatures. Stepmoms beat themselves up, second guess everything, put everyone’s needs in front of their own and seethe with resentment and anger. This has been my mission to help change, one woman and one stepmom at a time.
Being a martyr serves no one, least of all your SELF.
Can’t wait to have you on my radio show and reach more women with this important message!!
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss
Oh Peggy, especially in the step family world things seem to be amplified a thousand times, aren’t they?
Wanting to make everything right, feeling everybody’s pain and discomfort and therefore hardly deeming it appropriate to fit care for oneself in.
Oh the dichotomy of it all and the irony that in the end nobody wins despite all these good intentions.
I agree Peggy, martyrdom has to stop, this is no way to live one’s life and to expect great results;
I too am looking forward to the radio show and reach out to martyrs and give them the insight you and I have managed to get.
And it is indeed great to feel well rested, it seems we all recently have had the insight to take a break
, xox Wilma
Hey Wilma, We all have much to learn from your mother. Thanks for sharing the joy and love she brought to you. She was wise to value her contribution to home and family and not take on too much. Keeping ourselves strong is so important, then we do have more to give. I love the way you look at things.
Hi Erin, yes it has been interesting to reflect back on my mom. It was funny though that when I was in my twenties I found her so old fashioned and such a boring woman with her routines. But she never got angry or upset with my ravings about how she lived her life, she just smiled and carried on. I am so grateful for her steadfastness, at least I have done no damage to her with my ravings. It is great when your mom is so secure, it makes it so much easier for us as daughters.
I do value too what you mention here;
She indeed valued herself and I am so pleased to recognize her value as well. Thank you for recognizing this too, it is what we as women all need to have, valuing what we choose to do and not take on things just because of pressure or obligations or to look good. xox Wilma
Dearest Wilma,
How lovely to see you blogging again. I have missed your lovely smile and even lovelier words around. Hoping your break was joyful.
As for this post…my my….Your mother is truly amazing! How truly blessed you are to have had a mother like her to teach you all your wonderful and abundant life lessons.
I am trying to be a good basecamp…its fun to say the least. But, it can be hard too. There are times when the whole day goes by and I realize at the very end how much I forgot ME the whole day. The very next day I rectify that blunder with a lot more ME
Becoming basecamp extraordinaire with flair will take some practice on my part. But I know my goal.
I often have people ask me why I havent started my practice full time since i got married…and I just say “Cause I am Happy with everything. I have a wonderful husband and sweet doll for a daughter and a small setup where I help and counsel. Why should I be running behind something, I know I dont need.”
It gives me immense joy that I am happy with myself at the end of the day…and that inturn reflects in my care of everyone and everything around me. Its the best ripple effect!
Thank you fro sharing your loving memories of you and your mother. I am so sure she was the proudest mother to have raised a strong and loving daughter like you.
And the ring is BEAUTIFUL!
Much love,
Z~
Dearest Z, great to be back and connecting with everybody again. Slowing down is a great way to get everything back into perspective.
Oh Zeenat, how can we forget ME and yet it is so easily done. Busyness takes over, worry can snow us under and before we know it, life becomes one big list of duties and irritations and resentment creeps in and we feel awful without knowing why.
You are so good NOT to buckle under the pressure of taking on more because you are intelligent and well educated. THAT is such a con for women like us, because we can have a full blown career, but nobody asks why we should have one when bringing up a child is a wonderful occupation as well, while looking after family is fun and rewarding too AND can be just as interesting as a career.
Oh you are such a wise one to handle the pressure like this;
Yes, we do not need everything we can get, we do not need it in materialistic sense and we do not need it in work sense IF that is not what makes us happy.
Lets us be the judge of that, NOT social pressure that thinks to know what is good for us.
Oh Z, you deserve every ounce of happiness you have, you make it happen.
You made me smile that you see the beauty in this simple ring, it IS beautiful and has far more value that just its small monetary one.
Much love to you, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma – Welcome back! What a treat to read about your mother. Your love and admiration for her shines through in every word. And I was hooked when you wrote about her insisting on a nap every day. I often think if we could all embrace just that one routine, the world would be a much saner place. Thanks, and hugs to you!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays: The Stuck in the Mud Edition
Hi Patty. Having a break has been wonderful, I think a lot clearer, funny how that works. When I was young I found a nap so not the thing to do, but now I totally agree with you. A nap sure makes me sane and it sure makes my world sane, just as a break does. Running around like wound up springs causes a lot of grief and a nap would do all of us a lot of good. Play and sleep is what we need more of and getting stuck on narrow country lanes so we can learn to ask. Hugs to you too, Wilma.
Hi Willma .. welcome back – it’s good to see you & before I forget in my ramblings on martyrdom .. how is Anne-Marie? – please send her a hug or two with thoughts and love.
When I saw this 2 days ago – I thought oh my goodness .. just what I don’t need .. I was at the lowest point possible .. well just about. It’s still there – but life moves on .. and I just wanted to say … being away for a fortnight doesn’t just allow martyrdom to wander off into the distant blue or bush …??? & I had to laugh at myself for thinking like that.
As you know life this end of the world is not easy .. and I’ve been having all those thoughts constantly, managing to get myself back ‘up’ (very wilted – but up a little!) – fortunately I can laugh at the situation .. and just say it’s the hurdles I need to get through and surely things will improve – there is flat at the end – isn’t there? Yes there is.
Finally things are looking up a little – there’s still a lot of water under the bridge to go through before I have my life back .. but by not doing anything, not saying anything .. I’ve managed to hang on in – - – and thought ok – without any support from my family, well so be it – I must cope somehow and think on the good things I have going for me. I even believe now I need to read the narcissist guide because of my family .. I thought I didn’t need it .. but ……
Anyway – I admire your mother .. gosh what a wonderful thing to realise that’s what she needed to do .. and she didn’t tell you – the whats and whys .. til you worked it out yourself?
I think my mother must have put up with loads when we were home, and my father was around, .. and I’ve asked now – how she’s managed these last 3+ years – she says she couldn’t because of me … but I couldn’t without her trust in life. Elizabeth her great friend says she believes it’s Mum’s faith.
Being a carer though without support perhaps throws a slightly different dimension out – the very ill or elderly .. who don’t have the resources for themselves, whereas if you’re a parent the rest of the family can cope – not easily I grant you.
I have found it impossilbe to have me time – I’ve been so shattered at giving as much as possible as I can to my mother and my uncle .. finally if I’m lucky me time might be around a bit – however a while to go yet.
I must have been awful growing up and during life .. I can hear it now – I suppose it’s a cry of help – a ‘please someone I’m here’ please don’t ignore me. Actually another post by, Sam, a 15 year old I think .. he writes amazingly well .. wrote a short story (shorter than this comment?!) titled “The Woman Who Doesn’t Exist”
http://thoughts-writings-coffee.blogspot.com/2010/04/woman-who-doesnt-exist-story.html when he posted on Sunday this is the way I felt – the pits. I’m here though despite all -
I love the way your mother developed that routine for herself – must have set you all with routines too – the way you all survived I guess .. I do think you’ve done her an enormous justice here with your post .. were you able to impart this to her?
Sorreeeee I’ve wittered on again .. but it’s good to see you back .. and we’re all learning so much about being women like you … I’m changing me – or doing my bit in that direction ..
Glad you had a peaceful time and are feeling well rested .. lovely time of year the Autumn .. you’ll have realised our Spring has finally sprung .. chilly Dutch wind though??!! Bye for now – hugs to you both .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Fancy a Cornish Cream Tea? In Cornwall, in Tokyo or at home?
Hi Hilary,
What I am getting to see from all our shared stories is that life is complex these days.
A lot more complex than when my mother was doing her parenting, something that Nadia and Kristie are recognizing.
Hilary, to share this caring on your own while you still have siblings is a sign of our disconnect, our separateness that all the books now referring to.
The nuclear family is a sign of separateness too.
AND we have many more things to tend to these days, our life is so much fuller with things and duties and financial obligations and expectations and desires.
So no wonder you are having a tough time and not enough resources.
I hear you are tired to the bone but let me tell you, you are doing well. You are even if it doesn’t look that way. From your emails I have seen how you do use the resources that at least are available. However it means you cannot relax as nothing comes to you, you have to make it happen at the moment.
Hilary, you are right, it will pass and at the moment life does require a lot of your energy without having much energy coming your way.
That is ‘what is so’ and thus be gentle on yourself, do not make more demands on yourself than is necessary, you have enough to do as is.
Lots of hugs back and I will pass your love on to Ann-Marie. XOX Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Welcome back!
Do you think maybe the reason why your mother was so peaceful is due to how her generation was like? The reason I ask is because your description reminded me of my grandmother.
My grandmother had eight kids and they were so poor, they lived in a home that is the size of most people’s living room. The house was so crowded and yet all the kids remember my grandmother losing her temper only twice. By all accounts, she was constantly at peace. She lived into her eighties and looked like she was in her 50s. She had no major health issues. The woman was truly the happiest person I have ever met and yet the most simple.
I often think about how she was so happy despite having so many kids and being so poor. I think what made her happy was that she did not want much. She was happy with what she had and there was no need to make herself a victim.
Maybe it is because her generation did have huge expectations from life?
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Savor the Food You Eat: A Brand New Way to View Food & Dieting
Hi Nadia,
This is such an interesting observation! I didn’t even think of different generations as a factor as to how happy and peaceful one is. I know one point in time shouldn’t be any different from another, but I also know that the generation I live in is so completely different from older generations. It seems that people want more, more, more and are determined to be “successful” in their careers when we are not even a quarter century!
It amazes me, but I must remind myself that living simply, and boldly, is the way to be content and happy. We can’t always be looking at how the grass is greener on the other side or that things can always be better, because that is almost always a recipe for disaster. It is easier said than done though, but it’s good to be reminded of this occasionally!Be happy for what you have, wise words beyond measure!
Hi Nadia, thank you and as you can tell we had a wonderful break.
Yes, as I said to Hilary I do think my mom had a clearer idea of what was expected of her and where her boundaries were.
I do think these days we are in a muddle about our roles, what is expected of us and how much we can handle, just as Kristie pointed out as well. With all the career opportunities, what we can own and what we can do, we have overwhelmed ourselves. Busy gathering and accumulating we have forgotten to learn how to handle wealth. We have not been groomed to cope with it all and most of the time we are now falling flat on our face because of our incapabilities and hasty greed.
Your grandmother was clear about her role and about her expectations and about what was possible, everything was within the realm she could cope with and which she was groomed for. THAT is what is important, knowing enough and feeling competent, even if what they had and did doesn’t look much in our current eyes.
So although we do not have to go back to their lives, what we need to regain is becoming a strong confident and competent basecamp again, that can cope with life mentally and physically like them. We need to be groomed to not get snowed under by all this abundance and opportunity.
We got too much too quickly and now we are paying the price, we cannot be happy with what we got because we cannot handle it all as what we have has become more of a burden than an asset.
There are several ways to deal with all this abundance and it is our choice which strategy to take. Minimalism is only one of them.
It is all very interesting though and the main thing is to recognize how in a muddle and mentally unhealthy most people are. We are certainly not a strong basecamp anymore but you and I are working on becoming one again, aren’t we?
Much love, Wilma
Hello Wilma,
Sorry to kind of budge in here again, but I just wanted to tell you that I think this is great advice. It gives me a great relief just knowing what I want to strive for, what you describe here. To be a “basecamp” when the time comes ( I can practice now) and to be confident that I am making the right choices to not overwhelm myself. I am lucky to have a lot of opportunities in my life, but I need to remember to prioritize them and stick with what will make me happy, while all the while seeing the big picture of things.
Wilma I can tell already that you have done wonders to help me understand this concept of a basecamp which will benefit me greatly now and in the future. A BIG Thank You!
Oh Kristie, you are MOST welcome to respond, that is what this blog and the WomenLikeMe program is all about. Us learning a different way that makes sense and all of us contributing to get things more and more clear.
Life is like a buffet, so much yummy choices and only a limited intake. But often you see people overeating and then feeling sick. That is a metaphor for life, greed, impatience and fear of missing out.
We never miss out when we do not take it all at once. As consumers we are encouraged to do so, but it is not a wise and healthy things to do.
Oh Kristie, I am absolutely thrilled you are so open and getting so much out of these explanations. Strong basecamps is what the world needs, we CAN make a difference once we are strong.
xox Wilma
We sure can
Also, I wanted to recommend this book to you http://www.victoriamoran.com/charmed_life.html. You can probably find it on half.com for a good price if you’re interested. It’s called Creating a Charmed life and my mom gave it to me last weekend when I visited home. I finished it in just a few days ( I read a lot!) and absolutely loved it. It has some great tips in it, including some that remind me of what we learn here. I plan on rereading a chapter every day or so to put it to practice. She also wrote one called Living a Charmed Life that I have yet to read, but sure I will.
Take care!
Kristie
I have not heard of the book nor the author but it sure sounds good. There is a lot of things we women assume that are not healthy for us. It is fantastic that there is a lot of information to put us right. it is even more fantastic if we do something with that knowledge and change our daily doing as a result of it. THAT is what I am ultimately a stand for.
xox Wilma
Dearest Wilma, Oh how I’ve missed you and being here. I think of you SOOOOO often. Work has kept me away.
This is an amazing story of your mother. There was a time when I was much younger that I was into the martyrdom thing, but blessedly it didn’t last long as I found that it didn’t change anything in my life. It didn’t get results. So I got my act together.
I couldn’t help thinking while reading this that it’s a post that ALL young women should read. It is very empowering just reading it. In fact, I was thinking that broken down it would make a kick_ss workshop or guide book for young women. Just to read it is liberating. Your mom was one amazing woman. We women all too often get caught up in the guilt thing and it really does no one any good. I think quite the opposite; it actually can enable those around us. Your mother was a powerful role model.
I also think that the role of women today in not so clearly defined. We are still expected (in a subtle and not always so subtle way) by our cultures to do all the “house-y” type of things, dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, groceries, etc and yet we can be frowned upon if we don’t go out and get a job….or we are often see as not liberated. OR sometimes it is the opposite: we are frowned upon IF we go out and get a job and don’t stay home with the kids. It can go either way.
I see a lot of confusion over this in some of my younger women friends with families. And even older women who don’t have kids, even though they work the same hours out of the house that their husbands do, they feel they should come home, put dinner on, put the laundry on, clean the house, WHILE the husband comes in and sits in front of the TV. I’ve heard women say to me, “Oh but he’s tired after a long day.” I ask them well what about you? Aren’t YOU tired after a long day. I don’t judge them at all. I just find these times fascinating and see an almost confusion or shift still taking place in both women’s and men’s roles. Maybe there are no clearly defined roles anymore. And like water that has been jiggled, humanity is trying to find it’s new level.
I am sending you and John so much love. You are with me always. Know that. Love, Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Are Your Maps Holding You Back?
Hi Robin,
It is always lovely to have you here and getting your super perspective on the topic.
If only we all could be so honestly perceiving the ‘what is so’ in a way as you describe here;
Yes, our confused way of doing things does NOT get results, you are spot on. What we create is chaos, wonderment about how we get ourselves in the messes we constantly find ourselves in and we giving ourselves a lot of grief with this way of being and acting.
Oh Robin, when we will return to a way of living that will do all of us justice? As you say luckily we are living in a time when things are being jiggled, our belief systems, our behavior, how we think. Well that certainly is happening to me and has happened to you and I am very grateful for that. It takes courage to have your foundations being shaken to find new stable grounds but it is worth it.
Lots of love to you, from John as well, XOXO Wilma
PS: I was here the other day and just LOVE the things you are writing. I also thought the ring of your mothers was exceedingly beautiful. Very earthy and simple, grounded, which sounds like how she was. What a treasured bit of energy to wear of your mother. I too have some like this. AND your long fingered hands are so elegant, even loving.
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Are Your Maps Holding You Back?
HI Wilma,
Glad you’re back. I’ve been over a couple of times to check on you!
A Course In Miracles says there is no such thing as sacrifice. I was in my 30’s when I learned that and was blown away. My favorite line back then was, And After All I Do For You! My ego did NOT want to drop that line. I did anyway.
So when I feel like a martyr I remind myself that it’s all about choices. I think Catholicism promotes martyism and my mom learned that as well. My mom with 10 kids I feel deserved to feel like one!
I love the relationship you had with your parents. How blessed you are…I love reading about them as well. Thanks for sharing your joy!
Hi Tess.
You know I love you don’t you. I have to be strong NOT to be jealous of all the other bloggers you are meeting up with.
But one day . . .
The course of miracles is such a blast and it sure is turning my mind upside down all the time. Of course there is no sacrifice, what for, for whom???????
I so had that line as well . . .’After all I do for you! Oh my God, what a killer, were we forced with a gun to our head???????
Oh, once you see the lunacy of it all you cannot believe it,can you? However despite all that, sliding in and out of martyrdom continued for a while yet.
Poor Jesus never wanted to be a martyr and you are right, Catholicism used martyrdom for its own benefit, very manipulative.
Your mom and 10 kids AND a farm, wow yes talk about choice, WHAT choice one will think. But I agree Tess, we have a choice about how we think about things and that makes all the difference.
Yes, my parents were awesome people and I have them to thank about the good solid base I am now returning to after I have made all my own mistakes
.
xox Wilma
Wilma, going back to read this, one sentence jumped out at me as a key insight:
“She was generous to others because she was generous to herself.”
Your words brought back so many memories of some personal experiences here in Japan. Wilma, thank you so much for your wisdom.
Why is it that people who are not good to themselves, who see themselves as cheated or let down, who complain about their lack of love and connection, who pinch the details of their daily lives – do exactly the same to others?
But of course – they cannot do otherwise. They can only be as good to others as they are to themselves.
Self-love is so essential. How can we possibly aspire to love another if we do not love ourselves? How can a heart filled with love be expressed from a heart full of hatred? How can a spirit of generosity shine from a stingy grudging of life?
Thank you, Wilma, from the mountains of Japan – Catrien Ross.
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Getting Unstuck By Gently Letting Go
Oh Catrien, I am with Hilary and too so love these words;
An empty tank cannot give something, if we are empty what is there indeed to give.
If only we could get that into our heads, us martyrs then we would do our loved ones a lot of good. How ironic isn’t it that so many of us have such a misconception.
Thanks Catrien every encouragement to stop this doormatism helps. love Wilma
Hi WIlma .. just read Catrien’s comment & it immediately resonated. I’ve a lot of icing on the top of the cake – or Cornish cream on a jammy scone to catch up on .. so true and such a necessary way of life. Thank goodness I don’t feel like that – I need to nurture myself .. that’s for sure, but at least I keep plodding on & look after myself as best I can.
Love that thought – a heart filled with love can give a spirit of generosity to others as well as just as importantly to oneself.
Sunny day and lots to do .. bye and hugs – Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Pevensey Castle, Normans Bay, smuggling and family remembrances … Part 1
Hi Hilary, I knew I could count on you to enjoy that Cornish cream. Hilary you could NOT do what you do without nurturing yourself, who else would nurture you and how awful would you feel towards your Ma. You would not want to be with her feeling like a sucked dry prune with resentment all over your face. What would be the win in that , and how would you lose out on the last times with your mother. For both your sakes I am so pleased you do look after yourself as best you can.
I am also pleased you are seeing some sun, and a big hug for you, Wilma