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Wilma on Accountability and safety
My sister's grandson safely playing with a doll. Will she tease him when he is older?
Your acknowledgements give me the courage to say to anyone who has not read Monday’s post; ‘Integrity, accountability; what is NOT going on’ to read it not once but twice.
With ‘accountable sharing of useful information’, I’m not referring to whether we talk a lot or not.
I’m certainly not suggesting we should share more gossip, blame, excuses, opinions, advice or tell more stories.
I’m referring to a very specific form of communication called ‘being accountable’. In the original post I defined it as:
accountable in this context meaning freely keeping people informed to whom that information is useful.
‘Useful information’ is to do with daily life, coordinating action with family and others, at work and at home; informing others as to what is happening with you or what you would like to happen. Being accountable is about living and working in a collaborative way. This kind of information is useful because it impacts on what happens, what gets done or not, and how well it all goes; no surprises please.
I am clarifying what I was talking about in the original post, as any dialog about our use of language quickly gets confusing. We get into trouble when we take a specific feature of language and apply it to all conversation. This is not what I intended.
From your comments it was clear that many of you identified closely to my circumstances; some of you even suggested that you too had married the very same ex I had. There were further similarities with how as Joy said; “I was raised in a family that taught me to ‘dim my light’ to fit in.”
I liked how Tisha shared her version of our common experience;
Unfortunately, as a young child I learned that sharing my innermost thoughts or feelings also often meant facing ridicule or merciless teasing. In my teens and twenties, I too felt very “shut down” and developed the habit of withholding information just so I could feel safe. I came to pride myself on being a self-described loner and I created somewhat of a bubble around myself so that I was always a bit aloof. Most of my friends and family described this demeanor as my “calmness” or “maturity” but in many cases it was just fear or such confusion about how I should act that I would just resort to in-action. Let me tell you, that is a lonely way to live.
The other common theme to come through was the impact of out-of-integrity relationships with comments similar to Megan’s;
I used to tell white lies for the same reasons as Wilma! Makes me think that when we’re in out-of-integrity relationships (relationships where we don’t feel we can safely be our authentic selves, and be respected), we act out-of-integrity.
And it is no surprise that we will behave as Joy does and; “when I am hurt, my instinct is to close up/retreat.”
In an out-of-integrity world we tend to behave as the world around us behaves; in an out-of-integrity way.
In an unsafe world we tend to close up and retreat.
So how do we know when it is safe to share useful information and when will that information be used against us?
As Megan so rightly said; “information is power” and there is no question that in this hierarchical world we find ourselves in, lots of people are using information to there own ends and often using it against us. This is very true within families and while it is not blatantly on the school curriculum, it is amazing how quickly children learn how to use information to dominate their parents and each other. I’ve been reading lots of Step Mom forums lately and this theme of children using information to dominate the respective parents seems almost universal. So the problem of lack of safety is real and can have very significant negative consequences.
Joy and I both love the idea of ‘collaborative family’, however that will remain only a conceptual myth as long as family members don’t feel safe enough to share without being judged, retribution or subsequently have that information used against them. This can happen either directly or indirectly as it gets used as gossip. Telling stories about family members may seem fun or harmless, but easily gets back to the family member concerned in a negative way. Your original intention in sharing the story maybe well intended, but it is important to note that we live in an essentially out-of-integrity world of people who without awareness use information in harmful ways.
So back to the original question; when is it safe to share useful information? I’m going to suggest that currently most of the time it is NOT safe. You do know the difference however; you will recognize safe people when you talk with them.
Realizing this has given me freedom to do as Robin Easton so clearly said on last Friday’s post; accept that this is an out-of-integrity world and then do as Tisha says;
taking a little bit of a risk is a whole lot better than feeling shut-down or cut-off from those around you. I want my daughters to feel whole and connected…fully confident that they can and should be ‘in integrity’ at all times, regardless of the risks.
I’m with you Tisha, life is a risky business but I too take risks because I want my daughters to feel whole and connected.
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14 Comments to “Wilma on Accountability and safety”
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Wilma,
Monday’s post and today’s is so very powerful and I hope the message reaches many.
I had a very big struggle this week that relates to how I was raised (by alcoholics) and an experience with an abusive spouse as well. These things add up to me not TRUSTING very easily and with Jason and the next 8 months….trusting him is an absolute must for our relationship. I know it to be true. Like Megan said, information is power.
Just knowing helped me work through all my issues. They all pointed to trust. Identifying and freely admitting this helped me to face my struggles. It was hard do that. I wanted to fight myself and the world and just throw my hands up and say, “See! I just can’t trust. I can’t do it.”
But I can, I can choose it and believe it. I can take that small step of faith.
I want my daughter to feel whole and connected too. Digging deep within and showing her it’s okay to change and be who you are and face your issues is very important to me.
Wilma, as always, your words cut to the the heart of the matter.
xoxo
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..The Fine Art of Car Dancing
Oh Angelia, past experiences are very hard to let go.
Indeed information is power and have a lot to do with trust and expectations as well.
Trust that is is safe and expectations of how it will be received and acted upon.
Sharing doesn’t always mean though that people react the way you want them to either.
It is a complex topic for sure, especially in this day and age where we all come from such different backgrounds and experiences. They are so vast these days.
I had to learn to trust John and tell him that he triggered my pain body after I shared something difficult and his reaction was not what I expected.
Trusting Jason is practice and observing what is going on. That worked for me.
Oh Angelia, you are so beautiful, you have come a long way. It would be great if you can take the risk with faith for Sydney and the little angels and dance safely self expressed through life and not just in the car.
We all deserve to be self expressed without fear, but until that is possible it is great to learn it with the ones we can trust and love and come from faith.
Lots of love, Wilma
Hi Wilma … I do find we may give people information … but they don’t take it on board, take it in .. they read (or hear) what they see or think they see .. and then you get a rushed thought or reply. I see that – and I know I’ve been guilty … sometimes we don’t need to reply immediately, we need to think, or come back to that ‘story’ and read it again, or listen to it again .. hear or see the words .. and in doing so ensure you answer more appropriately and more correctly. Then that person won’t need to repeat themselves because the original will have been taken in.
Being accountable in a collaborative way .. nobody (in today’s age) seems to take responsibility for anything .. ‘doesn’t fall within my responsibility and therefore can’t help’ .. even though it’s an organisation.
Going to your .. sharing information – I completely agree with your last few paragraphs .. however as a family team with a dying mother .. if I don’t share then I’m doing wrong .. if I do share no-one is interested … ie no response, no thanks, no interaction .. I hope most people aren’t in my position.
I’m absolutely certain this continuing exploration of this subject will help so many of us in so many ways .. as we’re so lucky to be a part of a wonderfully caring group, who have so much valuable information to share and we can learn from.
On a different subject slightly .. I see you’ve been on various forums (wish I enjoyed those! – but that really is another subject!!) .. when I started blogging I thought I might write about mother-daughter relationships .. but it is definitely not me – however I came across a South African book titled “Life Talk for a Daughter” by Izabella Little (Emotional wisdom and practical survival skills on 60 of life’s most significant issues) .. they were going to do others for Dads, sons etc .. It’s described as an essential toolkit of lessons for life … It’s on Amazon UK still .. Probably more for school type kids .. but maybe of interest ..
Thanks .. great information – have a lovely day .. damp and grey here!
Hilary´s last blog ..Steak, Kidney and Oyster Pudding with a Stout Porter?
Hi Hilary.
It absolutely is an interesting topic that totally shows how dysfunctional, confused and unskilled we people have become.
It shows up everywhere and of course very much in areas where other close people are involved to get collaboration like in parenting with an ex partner AND you with you siblings with your Mum.
It is everywhere and especially when you care about a good outcome.
I would like to respond to what you say here;
Hierarchy which is the current prevalent model is NOT interested in people, it is interested in its own survival and people who in the beginning did care and wanted to be accountable lost interest or left. I am sure you had that happen to you too, giving up being responsible as nobody cared or followed up or appreciated your efforts. Even in helping professions, people start off very idealistic to end up being burn out, becoming disillusioned or simply quiting.
To be in-integrity we have to accept that that is so, although I keep seeing that that is very very hard. We all so want it to be different.
I would also like to respond to this;
Like I said to The Exception on the previous post; you cannot make the other party listen or share. All you can do is to stay in-integrity and keep sharing what you decide is valid information regardless of how they receive information and that is that.
That must also be extremely hard to accept, BUT what else can you do Hilary?
Lots of good people struggle with this, lots of people care about what we eat and share information about the rubbish in our food. Do most of us listen???????
Oh Hilary, I know when you are dealing with it in your daily life, boy does out-of-integrity gets you. I totally compassionately feel your frustration and yet I have to say “let go of your expectations”, and keep standing tall by knowing you are doing what you know to do from a heart felt knowing and do not let the frustrations get to you. It is a waste of energy and your time.
You pay it forward and let the Universe deal with the others and you sleep peacefully knowing you did good.
Let me give you a hug though, because I know it is darn difficult to keep steadfast with so much ignorance around you, xox Wilma
PS thanks for your generous sharing the info about the book and yes M/D relationship is a very interesting topic and invariably shows up our incompetence big time as well.
Wilma,
Showing my daughters a different way was so so so SO important to me. And funny yet was how important it was for Richard to show his four children a different way, too.
The Universe knew what she was doing when she reconnected Richard and me. Together we model a relationship that’s in-integrity. Richard is my safe person. I can share with him my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my insecurities and I know that he’ll never use my information to harm me (my exhusband would twist things and hurt me with my information)
My oldest daughter has finally realized that being with someone who accepts her for who she is without wanting to change this or fix that is the relationship she wants to be in. She’s seen her mom get it (finally!) and she’s heard me tell her never settle for anything less than this.
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Quotable Quotes
Peggy, Peggy this is so beautiful, I am sure this makes it all our hard work worthwhile
Yes, Yes, that is what makes me a stand for all this as well, THIS is such a gift you can give your daughter, Imagine the life she has in front of her when she relates to people like that, her partner, her mother, her siblings, her own children, her mother in law. I can go on but what a difference it would have made for me knowing this when I was 21 and getting married. It would also have made a difference for my X and all the other people around me. I cringe when I think of what my out-of-integrity has done to them.
You and Richard and you all rock and can you imagine how your being in-integrity will create huge ripple effects everywhere you show up?
Wow, that just gives me goose pimples, the power of our own being in-integrity. YES.
I trust you are enjoying your holiday and the sunshine?
Big hug, Wilma
Actually, when a little boy is playing with a doll it is known as an “action figure.”
I think the biggest challenge for me in this area was getting over the belief that “people don’t want to know how I feel.” Over time, I think I finally decided that, even if it turned out that they didn’t want to know, that didn’t mean I was divinely prohibited from telling them.
Oh Chris all the devious ways our ego uses to make itself look good, you are right playing with an action figure will be his defense when teased later. I will keep this in mind when the gossip in due course reaches my ears
.
Eckhart Tolle says that the ego is absolutely NOT interested in other people, when we are ego driven we cannot connect and really listen to others, hence we are also withholding because what is the point? Good on you though to keep sharing how you feel, that is actually an enormous generous act on your part. Because in your sharing something will get through our thick skin somehow somewhere sometime.
Wilma,
I say yes, please let’s all take risks, let’s soak in the beauty, step out of our comfort zone every once in a while, allow faith/love/joy to grow and shape us, play more, laugh lots, embrace life the best we can with the resources we have in the moment we are in:) If we all stand together shoulder to shoulder we may create a very much integrity driven world.
Joy´s last blog ..Friendship
Joy,
All I want to say to you is; “glorious, glorious and more glorious.”
We can do all that you say, even with the limited resources and the limited contexts that are available to us. That is taking risks and trying it out. Sure we will get hurt, like you get hurt when you learn to roller skate or ice skate but please let us not stop in going for it. There is so much to gain and so much to lose.
I also totally am with you in this;
Doing it alone is a lonely and difficult business, doing it together shoulder to shoulder, is glorious, glorious and more glorious. Oh Joy, we women are masterful in sharing and doing things together so let’s support one another as much as we can, like we do here.
To have you all here joining in encourages me enormously to keep going and being a stand for learning to live how we are meant to be, healthy, self expressed, passionate, loving and competently steering our young back into the world of the divine and away from the world of money and excessive toil that crushes our soul and have our heart run for cover.
Joy, I love standing shoulder to shoulder with you and all the other women who are committed to speaking up and doing things differently.
Having you here means a lot to me as I absolutely am inspired by your journey too, big hug xox Wilma
Wow, I can relate to what Tisha said so much. I must say that I am glad to be reading blogs like yours that further push me to be my true self at the age I am now. I always liked the feeling of being free and resented the feeling of being obligated or being apart of the status quo and I’m learning all the time how to be more free spirited and take more risks.
Thanks Wilma for putting these hard to explain concepts out in writing to see them clearly and think about them more deeply!
Oh Kristie, you beautiful soul, I am so delighted to hear you say this;
Yes, we have learned a lot of things that do not serve who we are and are the cause of our confusion and half baked lives. In a way that is good news as it means that we now can focus our attention on learning things that will serve us, isn’t it?
I am sooooo thrilled that you are aware of that fact that you can learn to have things be different and I love being part of your learning. I also am thrilled you are willing to take on what I am saying here, as I am thrilled to see how the WomenLikeMe program contributes to women who want the same as you.
It is a huge privilege to have this clarity myself and to verbalize it here on the blog and in the program. I have gained so much from it, it is making my life so beautiful and it makes me loving me. You can imagine that therefore it absolutely thrills me to bits that you get value of being here standing ’shoulder to shoulder with us’ to use Joy’s words.
Lots of love to you for joining us here, xox Wilma
I only want to show the world who I am, what I stand for and how I love. I can be honest and real doing all three. You don’t have to agree with me to accept me and I don’t have to agree with you to accept you. We can all agree to be with each other as we are loving along the way. That’s how I intend to live. Giving, receiving and being as much love as possible each instant of my life.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Life Is Good, Don’t Miss It
Tess, that is a great mission statement you are sharing in your comment;
In fact your whole comment is a great guide to live your life by.
I also know from your book, your blog and your sharing that you have done a lot of work on yourself to come up with this clarity. Unfortunately it is NOT the first priority of our society to get that established and help us to find this out. Thus most of us have become confused and live life without a compass. We have no idea about how, what and why of the lives we lead.
We are taught a way of life that suits the hierarchy, that suits the education systems, that suits the world of work, but most of what we have been taught does NOT suit us as a human being. The whole world would live in bliss, everybody would know what their passion is and pursue it, if we were taught these things, wouldn’t we?
We would have enough love to love each other and we would know we have enough to share everything.
YES Tess, it is beautiful what you wrote here and definitely something we all need to find out for ourselves.
Hugs Wilma