Comments on: Integrity, accountability, what is NOT going on?

By: Wilma

Wilma — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:30:17 +0000

I do agree we all grapple with a similar issue albeit different in context and details. Hilary is tearing her hair out too because of disinterest of people who ’should’ be interested and cooperative being her siblings and the nursing home where her dying mother is being cared for.
It is very hard to stay in-integrity and do your sharing when nothing happens on the other side.
I can imagine your frustration when you want the best for your child AND have to deal with the fact that there are other parties involved you have NO control over BUT still affects your child hugely. And it shows how withholding is an extremely powerful weapon to annoy and hurt someone with.
There is no other choice than to accept the withholding at this moment in time, you are absolutely in-integrity to see and admit that and know it is not going to change right now.
The hardest part it to also accept that it will affect your child, to accept the fact that you would like to protect her BUT you can’t.
To be in-integrity is to figure out what you can do to minimize the negative effects.
So ass about things you need to know when she comes back from her time with your X, but stop gossip and information you do NOT need to know.
That is how I do it. I ask for information that effects me and my daughters, the rest I cut off. It has made my daughters feel safe to share what they now know I need to know and leave the rest. Do not complain to me, I cannot do anything about it, they have to deal with their father directly. Only when they want another point of view and when they are prepared to listen I am prepared to talk about their issues with their dad.
That has made it very clear for all of us and for me as well. I cannot do anything about it, that is difficult but that is how it is. It sounds terrible harsh at first but in the end it gives so much clarity to you and your daughter.
Oh, you and I both can see how out-of-integrity people make life hard and there is not much we can do about it other than being really clear what it means to stay in-integrity ourselves. In the end THAT will minimize the confusion and mess on our side. Lots of love, Wilma

By: Wilma

Wilma — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:12:10 +0000

Oh Sara, thank you for this ‘poem of love’, because that is how I ‘feel’ your comment to me.
Yes, thank you so much for that image, I have pecked at my paper cage to explore what is possible rather than accepting what was so.
I have worked for many years to regain my freedom and to reclaim my indigenous knowing that was buried under so many layers of social conditioning.
Through my work as a career counselor and doing assessments if people were ‘fit’ for work, I have come to see that freedom is essential for people’s wellbeing and we very seldom find it.
It has been my quest to get freedom by finding the indigenous me and to live a daily life using that freedom.
And I might as well share what I have found on my path, as it is a wonderful one once you have stepped on it.
Sara, I love how you gathered and then shared an image of my life, a big hug for that, Wilma

By: Sara

Sara — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:36:55 +0000

Wilma,

This post had me at your opening line, “This morning I woke up, savoring the dawn, deeply grateful that I have become the woman I love.” I love the words, “deeply grateful that I have become the woman I love.” These are beautiful words and they show your integrity to yourself. It sounds like you’ve really “grown” yourself; that is used your lessons to teach you what you needed to become whole and true to who you are.

The image that comes to mind for me is the bird in the paper birdcage. She has a choice. She can just sit on her swing and accept her life or she can explore her cage for ways to get free.

Once she realizes that by pecking at the paper, she can tear it open, then she can choose to escape, but it is through her own work that she finds freedom:~)

This is what I feel about you. You have broken through your paper cage and now you are helping others do the same. Thank you:~)
Sara´s last blog ..A Poem for Love

By: The Exception

The Exception — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 15:44:20 +0000

Thank you,
I would guess that each situation is similar and yet has individual characteristics that contribute an individual aspect. It is nice to have this forum to find others experiencing similar and yet different.

The challenge I have is working in integrity, feeling safe, and then accepting that it is a one way street in our parenting relationship. My X isn’t interested in the life of our daughter to the point that he will seek information as to her events, interests, education, well being etc. He just won’t ask and doesn’t ask. Similarly, when something happens at his house it is through the child that I am enlightened. I ask, he filters. It is a learning process for me and a challenge as I am happy to work together and share the relevant information – the challenge is the realization that he is not and accepting that. We attended four months of counseling for our daughter and parenting – his stand was the same when we went in as it was when we came out… working together is not an option – with our daughter accepting the potential cost in order that he and his wife remain comfortable.

The challenge – I have to figure out how to be in integrity in a situation that is out of integrity to some degree. I have to figure out how to share information when I am isolated from necessary information on the other side. It has been a challenging process – but I am learning and growing stronger every day.

Thank you,
The Exception´s last blog ..Every Day Gems

By: Wilma

Wilma — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:42:05 +0000

Hi Hilary. In this out-of-integrity world there is unfortunately no guarantee and as Tisha said, there are risks involved in sharing information. In your case, it gets thrown back into your face.
Be-ing in-integrity is a lonely and frustrating business most of the time as you keep experiencing. The only solace I found in situations like yours is that I am actually having an explanation about why I am so frustrated and about what on earth is going on?
What on earth is going on that people can behave like they do???
If you would not have these explanations you would probably go crazy, or you would totally give up and withdraw completely or you would become like them because why not?
Oh Hilary, I can totally understand it feels like a nightmare.
To respond to what you are saying here;

Once this is over I sincerely hope I can accomplish what you’re doing .. and be true to myself and not tread on glass all the time

You are already accomplishing what I am doing, I could be and do no different in your circumstances. Hilary, the results you are achieving are amazing given what you have to work with, everything is always relevant. Do not think for one moment you are NOT.
Look at what you are doing for your Ma and where she would be without your integrity. THINK about that, look at the wholesome ‘what is so’ there. In the face of no agreement and no support, YOU keep on being a stand for great care for your mother. THAT is being in integrity. You keep sharing useful information with people who you think should be informed, the fact that they do not want to know in the end has nothing to do with you. All YOU can do is what you are doing right now, act in-integrity to the best of your ability and knowledge.
Hilary, you are the BEST, do never lose sight of that, big hug Wilma