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Integrity, accountability, what is NOT going on?
My sisters granddaughter. Will she be a confident woman living in a changing world?
This morning I woke up, savoring the dawn, deeply grateful that I have become the woman I love.
I love how I think about myself, I am delighted about how I treat myself.
I adore my growing confidence in leading my family and guiding my two daughters.
I love how I no longer slink through life, no longer confused and burdened by guilt from mistakes.
I AM moving forward to indigenous wisdom that allow me to handle people and situations in a way that I can be proud of.
I am finally reclaiming my role as a woman and mother.
I AM showing up; I AM confident and authentic.
I AM whole by being in-integrity and accountable.
Part of integrity is being accountable; accountable in this context meaning freely keeping people informed to whom that information is useful.
Nobody is actually well trained in freely sharing useful information to create functional relationships.
In our current hierarchical way of operating, information is not respected and often misused to control, start a fight or hold against us.
If you are like me you too will tend to keep your cards close to your chest.
I have been very fortunate to have grown up with parents that mostly did respect shared information.
My parents were not at all controlling or manipulating.
I never felt I could not tell them anything out of fear of repercussions or of disappointing them.
I however did share a lot less with my brothers who would use any information mercilessly to make fun of me and humiliate my ego. I did not show up at school either.
When I was eighteen I got my contra-conception pills via my parents and that was no problem as nobody wanted me pregnant. When I was twenty one my father felt safe enough to advise me against getting married this young.
My parents operated from a collaborative model and I never felt it necessary to withhold information as I never saw them misusing information.
But they were the only people with whom I felt that way.
In my marriage I came across another model, the common hierarchical one of control and manipulation with no integrity and accountability.
Whenever I told my husband what I thought or liked to do, I got hammered by his opinions and hassled with how on earth could I think or do such a thing.
Whenever I told him I liked a certain type of furniture or food, I was told that my taste was wrong and lacked sophistication.
As a people pleaser and wanting to look good, it didn’t take me long to stop informing him about anything for fear of being made wrong.
I had stopped being accountable to him.
From there it was only a small step to telling white lies when withholding of information was not enough to stay out of trouble.
And thus not only was I no longer being accountable, keeping someone informed, I had slid into telling lies as well.
In my opinion they were not bad though and I never ever realized how out-of-integrity I had become.
I still considered myself honest and trustworthy, hmmm.
The lack of information had consequences, we rarely got our act together and never got things done in a fluid way.
Then when children came around, the same pattern continued.
Accountability in this context is informing the other about your ideas about child rearing to eventually come to agreements, acceptance and to get some collaboration going.
So in the beginning I did inform but our opinions were not aligned on this topic either.
As always we ended up in a tug of war about who was right and as always I lost.
After that withholding became more and more a habit. I became resigned; I even stopped sharing with my parents, siblings and friends.
Rearing children in this way was not the best, the lack of useful sharing about what was going on caused lots of conflict and confusion amongst us.
When the children grew older they unfortunately took up our way of being around accountability.
They did not keep their father or me informed about their homework or what was going on for them. They kept out of his way, so he couldn’t hassle them and as I was shut down, the children and I could not open up to each other either.
Great!
Accountability was something my daughters did not learn or experience.
And that is a big loss.
The consequences are that they prefer to go it alone and do not inform others about what is going on for them as they expect to get hassled when they do.
My situation might have been somewhat extreme and my ex-husband particularly controlling, but even so, I do not see much difference in families around me.
In WomenLikeMe on Being in Integrity this is said about accountability;
Keeping people informed for whom that information is useful means they can offer to assist or contribute freely.
When asked to help they know the situation and you can expect a more appropriate response in a conversation.
I seldom see people being accountable, freely sharing what is going on so they can make full use of the resources and wisdom that are available. Nor can they collaborate well.
I seldom see confident women who clearly know what to do in respect to the people in their lives.
Fortunately things have changed drastically since I left my marriage. The difference is remarkable.
I now live with John, in a collaborative context where I freely share what is going on for me and as a result I expect and get appropriate support.
I had to learn to trust to stop withholding though; I had forgotten that informing others was a good thing.
Accountability in a collaborative family context keep parents and children, siblings and relatives informed, so we women can get things sorted and get things done.
I now am confidently introducing integrity and accountability to my daughters.
One is getting it.
The other is struggling and has a long way to go before she trusts that information is safe and useful in a certain context.
So be it, she might or might not learn accountability but I keep being a stand for her.
I and this blog are all about doing things differently.
So as well as distinguishing a feature of life that can be done differently, I am going to make some suggestions as to what you can change in your do-ing and belief you me, changing this do-ing has changed my life.
Having this week distinguished the value of accountability, freely sharing information with people for whom it is useful, I invite you to;
- Notice if you are withholding when it would be useful and safe to share information.
- Simply observe and notice with whom in your family you can share more information with. Note that I am talking here about freely keeping people informed to whom that information is useful.
- Stop withholding information and share where it is appropriate, safe and useful and notice the difference in results.
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31 Comments to “Integrity, accountability, what is NOT going on?”
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What an insightful post Wilma! It raised all sorts of thoughts for me about information sharing and made me notice that in my current “Campaign of Niceness” (where I try to respond to people (mostly my husband) lovingly and without snapping), I definitely receive more from him and the Universe when I don’t hold back information. I also had a first marriage where I ended up lying b/c it was easier than being told I was wrong and it taught me how to not ask for what I want and need. In my new marriage my husband is (almost) always positive when I express my feelings gently and from the heart but it’s hard to break bad habits and I definitely keep my feelings close more often than not to avoid hurt and rejection. Thank you for sharing and bringing this topic up b/c it’s definitely something I need to practice! Hugs, Dayle
Dayle´s last blog ..Days 24 & 25 and I’m cranky as all get out!
Hi Dayle.
Yes, information sharing is an intriguing part of being in-integrity.
We are NOT being informed about most things actually and the flip side is that we are not great in informing others. There are consequences. Thus we are not skilled in it and we cannot discern how and when to do it.
Imagine the food and pharmaceutical industry disclosing all their information . . . !?
Imagine co-workers and financial directors disclosing their information . . .!?
At a personal level I agree with what you say here;
In the beginning I was so nervous and ill practiced; I delivered information aggressively and in a very defensive way and imagine the reaction to that type of delivery.
However it is all in the practice and as I got better and more confident because of the positive reactions, I have become so much more open and so less vulnerable too. Which is interesting. When sharing that is useful happens in a safe way, I am not talking about blaming, gossiping or complaints here, there is a lot to be gained from that.
Coordinating actions is so much easier when all parties are well informed.
Since I have learned to share my feelings as useful information in the appropriate aka my relationship context, I have gained so much. I have been able to change my beliefs, to see other view points, to learn NOT to take things personal, to let go of the past, and many many more things.
When I now feel initially rejected or hurt when I share, it is usually an ego thing and that has been useful to notice as well.
Good for you to practice Dayle, you are practicing wonderful things in your relationship. Hugs back, Wilma
Hi Wilma! Lots to think about from this post. It brought me back to the days of totally blabbing what I thought about everything, nobody had to ask me, I was there voicing opinions like it or not. It took me years to realize I need to soften my edges a bit and NOT voice my opinion on every little thing unless and until I was asked. So I guess in some ways I came from the opposite spectrum.
What is total bizarre about this behavior? I was a totally shy and quiet child – I mean timid beyond belief. I think maybe being strangled in fear for so long, it took me quite a while to let out what I was thinking. But then I went overboard! And like I said, took me awhile to learn when to shut up! I’d like to think I’ve found the balance that works for me now.
At any rate, I am thrilled you have found what is working best for your life!
hugs
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..Cheap Peeps
Hi SuZen.
Yes it is good to notice we have learned something over the years we have been on this planet and that we can acknowledge that.
I am still astounded how much I had to relearn and how much I fumbled my way through life before reaching this point.
Interesting how we go from one extreme to another, how we sometimes need to experience both.
And there is no learning without practice and there is no way that we can practice without making embarrassing mistakes.
For me it has been a matter of learning to discern what was useful information to share and where it was appropriate and safe.
I am learning that sharing information or opinions is NOT wearing your heart on your sleeve, it is about discerning where it contributes. THAT has been opening up whole new experiences.
I find it fascinating, we interact so much with people all the time and yet it takes some doing to get communication skills to a level they add value, hey SuZen.
xox o Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Unfortunately, as a young child I learned that sharing my innermost thoughts or feelings also often meant facing ridicule or merciless teasing. In my teens and twenties, I too felt very “shut down” and developed the habit of withholding information just so I could feel safe. I came to pride myself on being a self-described loner and I created somewhat of a bubble around myself so that I was always a bit aloof. Most of my friends and family described this demeanor as my “calmness” or “maturity” but in many cases it was just fear or such confusion about how I should act that I would just resort to in-action. Let me tell you, that is a lonely way to live.
Having children has changed a lot of the way that I feel about connecting with others and sharing information; I realize that yes, there’s a risk of disappointment when you open your life to sharing with others, but taking a little bit of a risk is a whole lot better than feeling shut-down or cut-off from those around you. I want my daughters to feel whole and connected…fully confident that they can and should be “in integrity” at all times, regardless of the risks.
Oh Tisha, you describe exactly how many of us have reacted to too many out-of-integrity responses to our sharing. And most people were NOT aware of the damage they were doing as they too must have been reacting to what they have experienced.
I am NOT saying though that we now must learn to blab our inner most feelings, thoughts and pre-occupations regardless of the context.
What I am referring to is changing what you are saying here, the developed habit of withholding information and . . .fear or such confusion about how I should act that I would just resort to in-action. Let me tell you, that is a lonely way to live.
Oh Tisha, how wonderful that you have changed that habit and are giving yourself another chance.
The beauty of appropriate sharing is that it allowed others to contribute to me, to moderate my thoughts and beliefs.
If I would have kept myself in my bubble I would never have had that chance. And now that I can share I also feel so much less vulnerable. The more people have liked what I share, the less vulnerable I have become to being disappointed.
I know that when I get disappointed all that happened was that I did NOT share useful information with them. Maybe it is time to find new friends or accept that they simply are not ready to hear it. Rather than me feeling misunderstood and powerless, the power is back to me, where it belongs.
My expectations have become more realistic as well and I know that certain people will never hear me. THAT is another bonus of sharing useful information in the appropriate context.
Isn’t it great that you too feel that getting clear is also serving your daughters’ futures. xox Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I love the “collaborative family” idea. I am pretty open in life actually. I don’t know how I came by this trait since I was raised in a family that taught me to “dim my light” to fit in. And a while back I was in an abusive relationship that taught me to keep my light dim. Still I’ve been open about whatever it is anyone wants to know. I believe each person is placed in my life to teach me something that I otherwise would not know/experience and the only way I know to engage them is to be open myself.
I do notice when I am hurt, my instinct is to close up/retreat, so I acknowledge that then force myself to sit mindfully present in the moment. I’ve learned much about myself that way. It’s not always easy, but I do try. I’d rather not have to repeat life’s harder lessons if possible:)
I think this is one of your best posts recently–so candid, so refreshing..you have so much to share with us– I love that about you!!!
Joy´s last blog ..Faith…….
Hi Joy, yes you are very open, endearingly so in the contexts I meet you in.
I am getting to see how endearing it is when people are trusting enough to share and how it all helps to move us forward.
It is amazing how you have stayed open and I am certain that it is serving you well.
I also know that you have wonderful skills to deal with hurt, to heal yourself and that is very inspiring to read.
I believe it is honesty and also daring to look at yourself that carries us beyond blaming others as an excuse.
I agree, it is not always easy, I personally find it hard to acknowledge the role that I have played. But as you say, working through it is at least one way of avoiding to have to learn the same lesson over and over again. I rather learn new ones too.
Yes collaborative families, imagine that. I cannot believe why we carry on like we do, making life so hard and difficult while it all could be so more loving and easy.
Oh, I am so determined to learn and practice to do life differently, oh Joy, thanks for your sharing too.
Hugs Wilma
When I read what life was like with your ex-husband, I thought, “Gosh, I had a similar relationship and I used to tell white lies for the same reasons as Wilma!” Makes me think that when we’re in out-of-integrity relationships (relationships where we don’t feel we can safely be our authentic selves, and be respected), we act out-of-integrity.
And it happens so subtly we may not even recognize it until (in my case) friends say, “You’re not yourself, and you haven’t been in a long time.”
As someone very wise once told me, information is power, and people who are fearful will use information to control others, or to “up” their own standing.
Brilliant post, Wilma, and one that really resonated with me.
Blessings for a beautiful week!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Life, Death, and Reflection
Hi Megan.
This conversation about integrity always brings up so much and shows how much out-of-integrity there is around us. No wonder we all have similar experiences and I still find it amazing how we all have lost ourselves in the process.
These could be my exact words too;
I cannot imagine the agony of my parents and friends around me seeing me slowly sink into the mud. Well I can, as I see it happening to my daughters around my ex, arggghhh. One is blatantly telling lies to keep the peace as well and thinks nothing of it.
Megan, all I can say is that I am eternally grateful that I have the words to explain this confusion, to explain what has happened. This explanation has given me ME back and the ability to avoid this type of relating like the plague from now on. I now can identify out-of-integrity behavior and that prevents me from being dragged down by it.
I know my options. I can choose ‘no play’ and no longer tolerate those people.
If I have no option but to deal with them, I know how to stay in integrity, what information is useful to share with them and what they do not need to know without lying. THAT is using information in a powerful way.
I realize now that saying that information is none of your business is an in-integrity act, instead of telling white lies. Even if the shit hits the fan when saying that, so be it. When my ex said to me, you are withholding so you do not love me, I now know that is nonsense and thus I can confidently say ” no it is NOT, and I still do not want to share the information.” My daughter is not there yet, but at least I know what she is subjected to and thus can be clear when she finally asks me for guidance.
High five to you, so good on us, so good on us to have escaped the tentacles of an out-of-integrity relationship and to find out what went on.
Big hug, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
We were married to the same guy. Yup. I spent nineteen years learning how to hide information. Hide myself. Become smaller so he could feel bigger. Holy cow – that’s NO WAY TO LIVE. What kind of example did I show my daughters? To shrink from the powerful you God created. Only problem in my first marriage was the powerful me that God created kept coming out. My successes made him jealous. So he showed me just how awful my successes were by having affairs.
Silly me for thinking I had to stick it out. Silly me for gritting my teeth the first time it happened and solidering on.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.
The second time, I knew I had to show my daughters a different way. I had to show myself a different way.
A way that turned my life from out of integrity into in-integrity.
Never again will I shrink from who I am to make someone else feel more. That doesn’t serve me. That doesn’t serve God. And that certainly doesn’t serve the other person.
More on the WomenLikeMe forum!
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..My First Artist’s Date
Gheez Peggy, you, Megan, Joy, Hilary and me, who has not been subjected to an out-of-integrity relationship?
What I find so powerful is that I do not need to blame my ex for all what has gone wrong. He played his part and I see how he does it with my daughters, BUT the power lies in that I can see how my own out-of-integrity contributed.
THAT I can work on, my ex will do what he always will do, BUT I have become free AND am armed with knowledge thanks to that experience.
THAT makes me soooo grateful.
Being out-of-integrity by denying who you are, oh my, THAT too was such a shock to me when I realized what I was doing. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing, oh my.
The level of ignorance I had about what is the best way to do relationships, THAT is really hard to imagine. How have we become soooo stupid and even when Marianne Williamson spells it out, what she really meant and how that applied in my own life still took a long time to sink in.
You are a champ to have seen this so clearly;
And now you are the great one who you really are, the world is your oyster; look at the results, your life rocks big time.
Love to hear what you have to say on the WomenLikeMe forum, your writing there is priceless.
xoxox Wilma
PS have a fantastic holiday and may the boys have learned their lesson that fighting is only done on a wii or whatever that computer program is called.
Wilma,
One of my life’s lessons was to stop sharing so much information and begin listening to what others were sharing. My hubs told me one day (when I asked for advice) to practice being the last one to speak when I’m with people. Wow! He woke me up from a deep sleep. I’m the one who is vivacious and big energy. I had to learn to reign it in. Now I’m balanced.
The amazing thing is he wouldn’t have shared this if I wasn’t open to his knowledge and advice. He’s the type that believes “unasked for advice is verbal abuse.”
Also this has worked with my adult kids. By the time they’re finished speaking I find I don’t have to say one word. LOL That’s a miracle for me;) I now allow them to lead me unless they specifically ask for advice. Which they do now more than before because I’ve learned to have more respect for their feelings knowledge etc.
Did you read what Robin wrote about you in one of her comments. I second all she says!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..The Rewards of Honoring Commitments
Tess, you are a delightful tornado. I think for all of us the issue is to learn to discern what information is useful to whom and keep the rest to ourselves.
by saying this;
It doesn’t matter whether we share too much or too little, in the end we were all confused what to share and what not. SuZen had a similar issue, going for it once she broke the dam.
Your Roger is wise beyond his gender
Oh Tess, it is all in the learning and allowing the teachers around us to show up and then receive their teachings.
Isn’t it wonderful what you say here;
I too feel when I take a back seat, they will eventually want to know what I think. Until then my lips are sealed and even when keeping my mouth shut does create sore jaws, it is worth it.
And yes, I love acknowledgments and to be in-integrity I am learning to receive them.
Thank you Tess for your acknowledgment and do we women rock or what?
Hugs Wilma
I forgot this neice of yours is adorable. This photo is a contest winner!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..The Rewards of Honoring Commitments
Isn’t she adorable and she obviously knows what she wants. I so hope she will not lose that.
Wilma, good morning from Japan. I just stopped by your blog again and am delighted to find the word accountability in your post – I used this very word in my latest blog post, too – in the context of our shared accountability for expressing the abundance of the creative intelligence within and around us.
Thank you especially for the three pointers at the end of your post – I feel they should be typed in big letters and displayed where everyone in the family can see them – several strategic locations around the home would not be too much.
Having struggled for many years within a Japanese family who do not believe either in sharing even the smallest information, or in accountability for anything they say or do, I really appreciated your insights, but they also brought back several sad memories.
However, I believe that I did develop wisdom about how and why to communicate and share information, and the light beyond that long, painful tunnel is my confidence in who I now am here in this foreign culture, and how I can relate in authenticity with those around me.
After I submit this comment I am going to walk in the mountain garden again and think about what you said. I was already out once with the dogs, and a warm spring wind was a welcome caress of caring connection.
You are so right – sharing information in a loving, non-controlling way is such an important aspect in maintaining a genuine relationship with those you love, and who love you.
Wilma, from the mountains of Japan, thank you, and love – Catrien Ross.
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Reviving Your Passion and Purpose in Spring Vibrations from Japan
Oh Catrien, being in a foreign country living with a family of a different culture and no-integrity will create chaos and sad memories. I can well imagine that.
Having said that, each family has their own culture even in the same country and that is why for example step families clash. There is so much difference going on, different values, different opinions, different way of doing things and being out-of-integrity only make those differences stand out and the gap wider.
It has been interesting that being in-integrity involves informing people, giving useful information that can make living and doing things together possible.
It also involves keeping information to oneself, otherwise it is gossip and not speaking with good purpose.
Oh Catrien, doing people justice does require giving useful information and until then a walk in the garden to accept that it is not so right now is a good thing to do.
And thank goodness for us that animals are in-integrity.
Love Wilma
I have been trying to let my daughter know that she should not withhold information from me out of fear. If she has made a mistake or have forgotten to do her school work, she needs to let me know. My intent is to help her address the gaps and find better solutions.
When I started reading your post, I was going like “wow….you certainly have come to owning who you truly are”! Thanks for the inspiration!!
Evelyn Lim´s last blog ..Use The Pink Bubble Technique for Creative Visualization
Hi Evelyn.
Oh isn’t it interesting that children are already conditioned to expect the worse.
I am sure you have no idea how your daughter got to be so defensive with her information but she is and are we all.
For me it shows how extensive this issue is and how invisibly it is intruding into all our lives.
What I am delighted about is that I have got wind of it and obviously so have you.
It starts with awareness through observation and then having an explanation on what to do next. This works for me big time and it makes a huge difference.
I now know why life can be so hard sometimes, why we make such a mess of it and wouldn’t it be wonderful if your and my children don’t have to go through all the confusion we have gone through?
Evelyn, I am thrilled that you caught your daughter’s withholding and with your intent it change that. Much love Wilma
I am one who believe that honesty is the best policy and thus not withholding any information. It is challenging to always be honest and not to withhold certain information which may hurt the other party. I believe most people, including myself, still fail to share information openly and without judgment. This is something which I need to continue to work. Your post is enlightening and a great reminder to me to not judge people readily when they try to share their information with me.
BK´s last blog ..Rebuild Haiti Better World Book Drive
Hi,
I think total honesty is not possible at this moment in time. I too would love what you say here;
Even children are prevented from being honest because we cannot deal with total honesty. When children blurt out, “what a funny hat is that” or “you have a pimple on your nose” all adults involved get embarrassed. The parents shut the kid up and the addressed adults ignore what the child says in most cases because they do not know how to react to so much direct honesty.
At school we are not encouraged to be honest either so on and on it goes. I doubt if you could be honest as much as you wished. You will have a built-in filter that is probably invisible after all these years of moderation.
Then of course we also have not been trained to appreciate that little honesty that comes our way. Most adds to our insecurity, like we can only really react favorably to a kid’s remark when we are confident in ourselves and we are NOT, at least I am still working on it.
How often do we thank people for honest feedback?
I think this is a very complex issue and only the tip of the iceberg how dysfunctional we are in a very dysfunctional world.
Becoming aware is the first step to find a solution so thanks so much for contributing your point of view. It all adds to getting clarity, love Wilma
Wilma,
A delightful tornado…LOL Boy would my hubs laugh at that one!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..The Rewards of Honoring Commitments
I was raised with a free flow of information. I never thought about keeping this or that private when I became involved with my X. We communicated very well until… well, until we were parents and his career and title became a priority for him. It was then that he stopped talking and I kept talking and started realizing just how little of himself he shared. Now that we are no longer together, I find myself isolating more toward him – not to others. He has used my openness, communication, and honesty to try to control and hurt me and our daughter. He went from sharing his logistics, at least, to conducting a life that is a secret to our daughter and demonstrating no interest in her life when she isn’t with him.
I believe in communication. I can see that parents sharing information and providing that information to one another as a means of cooperation and teamwork… but information just helps everyone make the choices and such that they need to make.
It has been a struggle for me as I wonder if I am doing what is best in isolating him as I have information/communication wise…
Hi.
You make some great points here and this one of course is where the hurt shows for most of us;
So of course we become careful and that is a wise move in certain contexts where information is being used as a weapon of control.
We cannot talk safely about everything (yet) and we need to acknowledge that.
Good on you for realizing that.
The danger of having experienced misuse of our free sharing is that we have lost our ability to discern when we safely can and when sharing would add value and contribute to getting things done.
THAT is something we need to relearn and that is what I am pointing at in this post.
That you wonder what the best information/communication practice is with your X, I can totally understand. For me the criteria would be, what do you want to have happen that requires involvement of him and then only share information/communication that ‘usefully’ relates to that. And take every event as a stand alone one to decide what information is useful. That has been a good strategy for me.
I appreciate your contribution to this dialog, it is so helpful to get real life examples to come to grips with this. Love Wilma
Thank you,
I would guess that each situation is similar and yet has individual characteristics that contribute an individual aspect. It is nice to have this forum to find others experiencing similar and yet different.
The challenge I have is working in integrity, feeling safe, and then accepting that it is a one way street in our parenting relationship. My X isn’t interested in the life of our daughter to the point that he will seek information as to her events, interests, education, well being etc. He just won’t ask and doesn’t ask. Similarly, when something happens at his house it is through the child that I am enlightened. I ask, he filters. It is a learning process for me and a challenge as I am happy to work together and share the relevant information – the challenge is the realization that he is not and accepting that. We attended four months of counseling for our daughter and parenting – his stand was the same when we went in as it was when we came out… working together is not an option – with our daughter accepting the potential cost in order that he and his wife remain comfortable.
The challenge – I have to figure out how to be in integrity in a situation that is out of integrity to some degree. I have to figure out how to share information when I am isolated from necessary information on the other side. It has been a challenging process – but I am learning and growing stronger every day.
Thank you,
The Exception´s last blog ..Every Day Gems
I do agree we all grapple with a similar issue albeit different in context and details. Hilary is tearing her hair out too because of disinterest of people who ’should’ be interested and cooperative being her siblings and the nursing home where her dying mother is being cared for.
It is very hard to stay in-integrity and do your sharing when nothing happens on the other side.
I can imagine your frustration when you want the best for your child AND have to deal with the fact that there are other parties involved you have NO control over BUT still affects your child hugely. And it shows how withholding is an extremely powerful weapon to annoy and hurt someone with.
There is no other choice than to accept the withholding at this moment in time, you are absolutely in-integrity to see and admit that and know it is not going to change right now.
The hardest part it to also accept that it will affect your child, to accept the fact that you would like to protect her BUT you can’t.
To be in-integrity is to figure out what you can do to minimize the negative effects.
So ass about things you need to know when she comes back from her time with your X, but stop gossip and information you do NOT need to know.
That is how I do it. I ask for information that effects me and my daughters, the rest I cut off. It has made my daughters feel safe to share what they now know I need to know and leave the rest. Do not complain to me, I cannot do anything about it, they have to deal with their father directly. Only when they want another point of view and when they are prepared to listen I am prepared to talk about their issues with their dad.
That has made it very clear for all of us and for me as well. I cannot do anything about it, that is difficult but that is how it is. It sounds terrible harsh at first but in the end it gives so much clarity to you and your daughter.
Oh, you and I both can see how out-of-integrity people make life hard and there is not much we can do about it other than being really clear what it means to stay in-integrity ourselves. In the end THAT will minimize the confusion and mess on our side. Lots of love, Wilma
Hi Wilma .. I have tried to do this with my family and friends about my mother – and have two completely different receivers of information. The friends (and especially my uncle thought) and Mum’s cousin-level-family think it’s all great, informative and interesting – positive and stimulating … prompting my blog. My brothers and in particular another cousin .. think – I know not what. I really do not – and as you know I get so frustrated – but despite sharing more information re our mother with my brothers – my cousin just disregarded the blog and help I’d given my uncle, despite her being his executor .. calling my paperwork – that had actually kept him alive, by having something interesting and stimulating to think and talk about with him – ‘blxxdy’ – when she gave it back to me. I hate being in this situation. My emails don’t get through to British Telecom accounts sometimes – and if a highly respected great local friend of my brother’s email also didn’t work in the same way – I’d be the xxxx from hell.
Now it is even trickier .. but that’s life and I have to go through it – as best I can – remembering my lessons as often as possible. Learning curve I keep telling myself .. but .. it really is a nightmare sometimes .. Once this is over I sincerely hope I can accomplish what you’re doing .. and be true to myself and not tread on glass all the time .. Thanks – I appreciate these posts of yours .. good to think about .. hugs to you both .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Steak, Kidney and Oyster Pudding with a Stout Porter?
Hi Hilary. In this out-of-integrity world there is unfortunately no guarantee and as Tisha said, there are risks involved in sharing information. In your case, it gets thrown back into your face.
Be-ing in-integrity is a lonely and frustrating business most of the time as you keep experiencing. The only solace I found in situations like yours is that I am actually having an explanation about why I am so frustrated and about what on earth is going on?
What on earth is going on that people can behave like they do???
If you would not have these explanations you would probably go crazy, or you would totally give up and withdraw completely or you would become like them because why not?
Oh Hilary, I can totally understand it feels like a nightmare.
To respond to what you are saying here;
You are already accomplishing what I am doing, I could be and do no different in your circumstances. Hilary, the results you are achieving are amazing given what you have to work with, everything is always relevant. Do not think for one moment you are NOT.
Look at what you are doing for your Ma and where she would be without your integrity. THINK about that, look at the wholesome ‘what is so’ there. In the face of no agreement and no support, YOU keep on being a stand for great care for your mother. THAT is being in integrity. You keep sharing useful information with people who you think should be informed, the fact that they do not want to know in the end has nothing to do with you. All YOU can do is what you are doing right now, act in-integrity to the best of your ability and knowledge.
Hilary, you are the BEST, do never lose sight of that, big hug Wilma
Wilma,
This post had me at your opening line, “This morning I woke up, savoring the dawn, deeply grateful that I have become the woman I love.” I love the words, “deeply grateful that I have become the woman I love.” These are beautiful words and they show your integrity to yourself. It sounds like you’ve really “grown” yourself; that is used your lessons to teach you what you needed to become whole and true to who you are.
The image that comes to mind for me is the bird in the paper birdcage. She has a choice. She can just sit on her swing and accept her life or she can explore her cage for ways to get free.
Once she realizes that by pecking at the paper, she can tear it open, then she can choose to escape, but it is through her own work that she finds freedom:~)
This is what I feel about you. You have broken through your paper cage and now you are helping others do the same. Thank you:~)
Sara´s last blog ..A Poem for Love
Oh Sara, thank you for this ‘poem of love’, because that is how I ‘feel’ your comment to me.
Yes, thank you so much for that image, I have pecked at my paper cage to explore what is possible rather than accepting what was so.
I have worked for many years to regain my freedom and to reclaim my indigenous knowing that was buried under so many layers of social conditioning.
Through my work as a career counselor and doing assessments if people were ‘fit’ for work, I have come to see that freedom is essential for people’s wellbeing and we very seldom find it.
It has been my quest to get freedom by finding the indigenous me and to live a daily life using that freedom.
And I might as well share what I have found on my path, as it is a wonderful one once you have stepped on it.
Sara, I love how you gathered and then shared an image of my life, a big hug for that, Wilma