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Wilma on Our out-of-integrity world
Family Dinner in Holland.
This week’s post ‘Me and my out-of-integrity family members’ touched on a couple of sacred cows; integrity and families.
However it was more than that, it was a post where I declared one of the ultimate examples of ’The Emperor with no clothes’.
I said; “We live in society that is mostly out-of-integrity most of the time and nobody makes a big deal about it or notices how it complicates life. Dealing with out-of-integrity behavior is draining us and is giving us grief big time.”
I chose the example of me and my daughter because we women if we do not have daughters of our own at least we are all daughters with family dynamics to negotiate our way through. Sure enough your comments reflected how you could see my example in your own lives.
The most common emotion it brought up was ‘frustrated’ though stronger words such as ‘infuriating’ were thrown around. Frustration is certainly an indicator that things are getting complicated.
Having exposed the Emperor, everyone realized that integrity is easier said than done with many echoing Hilary’s observation that; “Having integrity with myself can be tricky.”
It was Robin who shared with us ‘a bigger picture’ and interestingly it was her time out of society, living in the rainforest that gave her the perspective to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ with society.
Before her time in the rainforest she saw people much as many of us do; “expecting and thinking that everyone around me should always be ‘in-integrity’. And when they weren’t they had somehow let me down. They were not to be trusted.”
What her time in the rainforest did for Robin was; “…forced me into awareness.” Robin brought that ‘awareness’ to her interactions with society and as she says;
I began to see people’s ‘out-of-integrity’ in a whole new light. It just IS. I didn’t have to judge it or place it anywhere. It was like the snakes and the crocs and the stinging trees in the forest, just part of Life. I didn’t have to change it or correct it or make it go away. In fact, I began to embrace a bigger picture of life and Humanity, and realized that people have to be able to make mistakes and go through things that aren’t perfect or can be even painful to themselves and those around them, BECAUSE that is part of Human ‘being’… We have to be allowed to be human.
Catrien too acknowledged the importance of ‘awareness’ and also observed that being unaware can ’seem’ comfortable;
Of course, this is what makes in-integrity so hard for many people – closing the eyes is such a comfortable way out, even when it results in actual discomfort and even pain.
Robin went on to say not only do we need to “be allowed to be human” mistakes and all but;
What it meant was that ‘I’ had to live in awareness (just like in the rainforest) and ‘I’ had to make sure that I was doing and choosing what was right for ME. If I lived in my ‘right’ place (in-integrity) for me then that was all that really mattered. It wasn’t about ‘OTHERS’. It was about ME. …for the first time in my life I realized that I had to take responsibility for all my actions and choices, my thoughts, beliefs and all of it. … it did mean that I could always choose how ‘I’ would respond to each situation.
So with awareness and allowing Robin recognizes that it comes back to responsibility or as Angelia put it;
I had to take responsibility for MY decisions.
And where does that leave Robin today;
I no longer talk in terms of ‘trust’ or even whether someone has let me down, etc. Somewhere along the way it shifted to simply being ‘What is appropriate for me?’ And to, ‘This is Humanity and I am in love with Humanity and all of it’s faults, mistakes, out-of-integrity, it’s pain, suffering, failures, lets downs, and so on. Because I am in love with Robin, and she has been or is all those things at some point or another. I found that I could embrace all the ‘out-of-integrity’ as ‘part of’ Humanity and not ‘apart’ from Humanity. In doing this I relaxed. People around me relaxed and began to grow and embrace THEIR humanity and supposed failings. With time I found that there was nothing to hang on to or try to control any more. My focus shifted to love and ‘what is it that ‘I’ need?’
Thank you Robin for your clarity and lead in how to ‘be’ and what to ‘do’ with our out-of-integrity world.
So what are we going to DO Differently?
Doing things differently is not easy as Joy recognized when she said; “Some days the drama is so thick I feel tempted to compromise and join in because sloggin through it feels most uphill.”
Patty too said something similar; “But it’s something I have to be aware of constantly, or else I will get sucked into the chaos and confusion.”
So how are you getting on? In particular how are you getting on with the three things I invited you to do differently this week?
They are:
- Simply observe and notice how often you blame others and make excuses for yourself.
- Stop mindlessly promising things that you will struggle to fulfill.
- This week clean up an out-of-integrity, a promise you have NOT delivered on and notice how useful this practice has been.
Lisa is in action and shared;
Your suggestions at the end did make me think. I have several social obligations I have been putting off, and the truth is it is because I do not want to do them. So I need to just take care of it – either say I don’t want to do them or do them.
I can see how important it is to think in terms of integrity with ourselves too, in terms of goals, etc. It is easy to ‘promise’ ourselves a lot of things and not follow through either…
SuZen offered another good practice for clarifying where the in-integrity responsibility lies with the disarmingly simple question; “Who OWNS this problem?”
I look forward to reading in your comments how you have been in action, meanwhile I’m not done with this topic and next week my post is on ‘Integrity, accountability, what is NOT going on?’
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18 Comments to “Wilma on Our out-of-integrity world”
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That Robin is something else isn’t she? I’m so happy she shares her wisdom. I like that saying, “It is what it is and it’s all good.” Even the the people that seem to be non-trusting and out of integrity are learning their lessons in life. They are all right where they are suppose to be.
We forget there is a higher purpose and this time on earth is like a second in eternity. We can’t see the entire picture nor will we ever. I remind myself “I don’t know what anything is for.” It’s a lesson in A Course In Miracles. Then I put the focus back on me.
The other line I like is “I shall judge nothing that occurs today.
PS My friend is so happy about her book she invited us over for dinner this weekend. Her son will be cooking;)
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Bold Solutions For A New World
Tess, I am totally with you on all of this. Robin is a champ and you too with saying this;
I too start to really understand it is NOT up to me to judge any out-of-integrity. Only God can see the whole picture, certainly not me. I agree, what I see is such a tiny speck so how can I judge, how can I have an opinion based on nothing.
Getting that helps me enormously with being in-integrity. Knowing what I am responsible for and knowing I can only focus on me; that gives me enough to do anyway. And being gentle on ourselves, showing compassion is also an in-integrity act, so I will.
Good news that your friend is happy about your honest and committed editing of her book. And bless her son . . . being in-integrity always works out. Enjoy your dinner, I hope you do not have to edit his cooking :~) xox Wilma
I just love Robin’s comments. They are so rich with wisdom, compassion, and understanding. It adds great highlights to your wonderful posts.
I became aware of the out-of-integrity at work the last week. They say NO PERSONAL internet (they were trying to cut down on viruses). I haven’t personally been on. I use my phone. But others paid it no mind. This seems to be the rule rather than the exception in everything. Whatever authority says, they just do what they want anyway. It’s very chaotic. It stretches my psyche. But I can only take charge of me.
I remain in-integrity and do my best NOT to let their ways influence mine. Believe me, I’m out of the norm and that’s OKAY. I can be proud and I don’t have to judge them, that’s their choice. Management can judge them or they can learn for themselves how following certain rules can enhance a workplace to make it more enjoyable and uniform.
Thanks for this post Wilma.
xoxoxo
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Midweek Morsels
Hi Angelia.
Yes, Robin sure can put it in a beautiful divine perspective, bless her for that, because there is a bigger picture to be seen as Tess said as well.
Yes, you can only take charge of you and your work example shows that ordinary people are not aware of their out-of-integrity behavior. They would when ask regard themselves as honest and trustworthy people.
Now we have a history of hierarchical rules that are not serving us, so who cares about those stupid ones and thus we clump them altogether. All rules are now considered as stupid and adherence as not necessary.
There is a lot to clean up in the world on all levels. It has been quite an interesting journey for me to expose all the incongruencies we live with one topic at the time on this blog and at a deeper level on WomenLikeMe.
It sure has helped me to clean up and have the mess we live in no longer stretch my psyche.
BTW well said, our psyche are definitely stretched by all the incongruencies around us.
What a muddle.
I do congratulate you on your clarity, dear Angelia, that is awesome.
Also it is beautiful what you say here;
Integrity behavior certainly serves us, xox Wilma
I absolutely loved Robin’s comments – while I won’t be spending time in the rain forest anytime soon, a lesson someone taught me back in 1993 has stuck with me.
Like Robin said, other people being out of integrity just is. They are human beings. And what one of my first clients ever said to me, as we were driving back from a business lunch, “people are gonna do what people are gonna do.”
And I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do – and as you know, I recently peaked under the hood and discovered some of my own internal out of integrity thoughts and actions and shared them on the WomenLikeMe forum. As much as I’d like to think I’m awake, enlightened, and aware, there are still shadows around some deep seeded *stuff* that’s coming to the surface through our conversations.
Always room to grow…always new ways to be in-integrity!
Rock on Wilma – I LOVE this conversation!
Peggy´s last blog ..What I Do To Others, I Do To Myself
Hahaha, you never know Peggy who loves to travel! Yes Robin is a cracker and I get your point.
Rain forest or not, the jungle of traffic is a good place too obviously.
Yes, people, life, weather and as you so brilliantly added ME, they all gonna do what they are gonna do and we better get used to it.
Yes, ouch, and when we are over the shock of yet another out-of-integrity find, there is always room to grow. I actually find that very encouraging because I do know we are not there yet but if we keep growing we might reach a tipping point ourselves.
Thanks Peggy a big BIG hug for your acknowledgment, as acknowledgements are my love language they always make me melt. And yes, isn’t this conversation something and it makes me even more determined to have us Western Women save the world. Why not get on with it and save it soon?! XOX Wilma
…handing you a matching red cape with a Gold Capital W on it because we are Wonder Women…out to save the world one person, one conversation at a time!
Peggy´s last blog ..What I Do To Others, I Do To Myself
Yeah! What more encouragement do we need? And can I have comfortable red heels with the cape?
Yes, I agree, beautiful perspective from Robin. And I had to laugh, because “It just is” is one of my favorite sayings of all time. Running a close second is, “Don’t sweat the small stuff…it’s ALL small stuff.” When I remember that, life is indeed good. Hugs!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..At the End of the Day, A Poem About Happiness
Oh wise playful Patty and yes I am not surprised you love Robin’s poetic, powerful imaging.
. . . and I love the after thought,
Well darn it, it is time to stop forgetting it and remember the good stuff we know!
We are wasting so many beautiful moments with our forgetfulness and I desire that to stop. And that is what I am a stand for in my red cape with red high heels, comfortable red high heels mind you.
I am sure you are too. Hugs back, Wilma
Wilma,
I love reading through the comments you post. I agree with everyone that Robin has a good grip on things.
I also liked very much what Tess said: “I shall judge nothing that occurs today.” I think this is a great mantra to say again and again. It’s a great one for ensuring that you maintain integrity:~)
Sara´s last blog ..The Nature of the Beast
Hi Sara. Yes I love Robin’s and the quality of all the other comments too. I so appreciate the time and thoughtfulness that you all put into them. It shows we all get that it is our lives we are talking about here and we can learn so much from one another.
There is such richness in all our experiences together; it is so beautiful to have access to it.
Yes, Tess’
is a beauty alright and worth working on.
I’d like to repeat Patty, let’s remember, xox Wilma
Thanks for contibrutnig. It’s helped me understand the issues.
Hi Wilma .. I have another aspect to this – & I’m quite glad Robin hasn’t got here to comment yet .. I totally appreciate what you are both saying .. that is a given – I may not practise it .. but I can understand it and will move in that direction.
My major challenge at the moment is the 3-way scenario .. ie my mother, and the Home who are responsible for her, and me .. when things are not done as they should be, to the best of their ability – it is a Nursing Centre after all .. and that responsibility of commitment is not there – I touched on this in a comment to Tess’ latest post today “The Rewards of Honouring Commitments”.
PS The Nursing Centre is not awful – thank goodness – but with the terminally ill – it should within ‘normal bounds’ be the best possible ..
Thanks for your reply comments .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Women – how much education have women had in the past 2,000 years?
Hi Hilary.
You are giving a beautiful example of how out of touch with integrity the world is and how the world with its hierarchical model is NOT about commitment and people but about keeping within uniform rules and prescribed uniform acts.
The nursing home is NOT about caring, it is NOT about commitment to the patients, a hierarchical model is all about itself. The nursing home and every other institution that says it is about people is NOT. Education, health care, politics is all about itself, NOT the ones it says it is serving.
You are absolutely right. Your commitment is totally to your Mum, the nursing home is committed to uniform care, to keep within its budget, has the least staff so it can only provides the least care even if the nurses would like to do otherwise.
They will be told off if they would really commit to all the patients in a way their hearts would like to. Some have become immune to their heart to survive and cope with providing minimal care.
That was why I loved being a volunteer at my daughters kindergarten and schools. As mother-help I could commit to the welfare of the children, a teacher could never do that, never ever.
THAT is why for the moment all we can do is understand the ‘what is so’ and how that is causing our confusion. We know that things can be different and we are stumped why they are as they are.
THAT is what I am starting to see, the huge flaws in our current way of life. I get to see what I need to accept, and also I am learning what is actually possible.
The world has to change drastically to have us all committed to people, rather than to hierarchies and money.
We have a long way to go and in the meantime all we can do is finding the fine line between becoming aware and not going crazy with seeing AND accepting the huge gap between what is so and what is possible at this moment in time.
Oh Hilary, I do understand your frustration, it is your Mum after all and to accept the idiocy of it all is difficult. But hang in there, we are working on change.
Big, big hugs, Wilma
Hi Wilma — it’s funny, I tend to be more of a “self-blamer” than an “other-blamer,” but I think it gives rise to the same issues. For me, it’s important to remember that, when someone else feels anger or sadness or something else we normally call a “negative emotion,” even if that’s directed at me, that doesn’t mean I’m “at fault.” It isn’t necessarily “wrong” for someone else to feel angry — it’s just another part of the human emotional range.
Hi Chris.
Blame full stop is a waste of time and an out-of-integrity reaction.
Yes, reacting as being at fault shows our incomprehension with cause and effect, we are so NOT up with the play here.
I do agree that anger or grief are legitimate feelings from the heart and rise up in the moment.
Sustained anger and grief however are past based emotion held in place over time by the mind. Those sentiments will always be out-of-integrity mind games and will stop us from moving on and seeing other possibilities.
Oh, it is interesting to explore all this and to discover the consequences of our ignorance. Thus I keep checking my breathing, keeping myself calm down and peaceful while working on change :~)
Excellent story over again!! Thank you.