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Me and out-of-integrity family.
My daughter's first taste of a snowy Holland.
I am proud of myself. I am resembling more and more the woman I desire to be.
A woman who can lead a family, a woman who gracefully yet purposefully handles life and the humans in it.
Let’s face it, that is what most of us want to achieve isn’t it?
Getting out of a muddle concerning our loved ones and how to organize our lives.
Being in-integrity plays a big part in achieving that and I am chuffed that I recently passed an integrity test with flying colors while dealing with a very out-of-integrity family member, my own daughter.
Now I am not picking on my daughter here, all people are out-of-integrity and family members are no exception.
In fact the whole world consistently slides into out-of-integrity most of the time and nobody makes a big deal about it or notices how it complicates life.
This is what WomenLikeMe has to say on integrity;
We live in society that is mostly out-of-integrity most of the time. We say things to please other people and we choose to deny to face the wholesome ‘what is so’.
We let things drift rather than complete them. We read everywhere things that our heart knows cannot be ‘the truth’ and rather than listening to what our own heart has to say, we believe them.
Integrity in this context refers to being whole and complete, like an airplane is to be whole and complete to fly safely and effectively. When a plane is not whole and complete you will know about. The same is the case with us and our lives. Not being in-integrity has consequences and causes break downs.
Dealing with out-of-integrity behavior is draining us and is giving us grief big time. It is no wonder that we tear our hair out when we want to have things happen, especially with our own family and I can show you why.
I am using my own daughter because it is a beautiful example of how an endless stream of excuses, blame and gossip gave me a hard time to make things happen.
It all started when my daughter announced she wanted to have dinner with my family in Holland when she was on holiday in Europe.
That meant organizing that from this side of the world in New Zealand, while fitting it into her tight traveling schedule and dealing with a complicated family situation.
Of course I offered to help her.
My ex and his family has chosen not to communicate with me after our divorce.
As my daughter would stay with my ex’s mother, coordinating dates would be difficult.
His family would have plans too but how could I know which dates would clash when we are not freely communicating?
However those things would have not been so bad if my daughter would have played her part with integrity.
When I asked her to give me a date to play with and start the process, I could not get one.
After several weeks of emailing and phoning her all I had was the usual myriad of excuses I always get when I want her to do something.
Too busy at work, no chance to talk to boyfriend about plans yet, having a headache and on and on it went.
Hmmm. In those weeks I felt my blood temperature rising, as well as the old feelings of frustration with non cooperative family members. And was it not she who requested this dinner?
There were also other people involved who needed to know.
I could have been tempted to ring my sister and complain about my own daughter and gossip about the ex’s family traits she inherited, but I did not succumb to that temptation.
I just kept asking and stating that if that she wanted a dinner organized I needed a date.
When her excuses ran out she started to play helpless by telling me it all was so difficult.
Was it?
One of my suggestions to sort it was to pick a date, ring grandmother, tell her the day she would have dinner with my family and that would be that.
But oh no she could not ring, it was so hard to talk over the phone to her grandmother with all the language differences and all I got was again an air of helplessness.
“Fine”, I said; “let me ring her”.
Oh no, that was not possible either as that would upset her father AND the family and would set the whole gossip machine in motion.
Fine . . . but actually NOT fine, this was no longer fun and I was not making any progress either.
I was now in real trouble of getting hot under the collar, especially when I got accused of hassling her.
Hmmm, however I chose to ignore that accusation and I did my best NOT to blame her for making all this so difficult and making me feel check-mated.
I asked her once more if she actually still wanted the dinner and when she answered ‘yes’, I continued my efforts to make it happen.
I did succeed in staying calm and collected and not giving up.
In the end I did get a date and the dinner eventually took place in a very cold and snowy Holland.
After a lot of practice I can now accept that family, in this case my daughter and most people very seldom act in-integrity. I recognize out-of-integrity behavior for what it is and therefore it no longer effects me much.
I no longer get dragged into being out-of-integrity myself, I am no longer tempted to blame, make excuses or gossip myself or give up if it is important to me.
When I so choose, I can keep going to make things happen in my family regardless of their carrying on and . . . I can do that with integrity, I can do that with a calmness and clarity that delights me.
To continue the new trend;
I and this blog are all about doing things differently.
So as well as distinguishing a feature of daily life that can be done differently, I am going to make some suggestions as to what you can change in your do-ing.
Having distinguished the cost of being-out-of integrity this is what I invite you to do this week;
- Simply observe and notice how often you blame others and make excuses for yourself.
- Stop mindlessly promising things that you will struggle to fulfill.
- This week clean up an out-of-integrity, a promise you have NOT delivered on and notice how useful this practice has been.
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33 Comments to “Me and out-of-integrity family.”
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Great post Wilma! I am often frustrated by the lack of synchronization between what people say they want, and how they actually behave…and then when questioned about their true desires or motives, they get defensive, angry, full of excuses, yada, yada, yada. Bravo to you for staying “in integrity” – it’s so much more challenging when it’s a close family member! I also appreciate your suggestions for changing the habitual way of “do-ing” things and will be giving a lot of thought this week to staying aware of when I am getting hot under the collar; Indeed, that feeling usually means I need to do a little bit of integrity “clean-up” and start looking within myself for my own contribution to the frustration.
Thanks for sharing…
Hi Tisha, yes it is amazing how incongruent the results we are generating are with our desires as a direct consequence of our being out-of-integrity. AND it is amazing how congruent my own world has become since I am more aware of how to be more in-integrity.
Oh the old defense mechanism to deny our part in shaping our world, I know it so well, and of course denying is also part of being out-of-integrity.
I also have noticed that I feel safe with people who are in-integrity. You can count on them and what you see is what you get, no nasty surprises.
I do no longer have to be on my guard and I can trust they will deliver.
When I am in-integrity myself I also know I can trust myself which is good for my self esteem and liking myself.
Good for you to do an integrity clean-up, I like your honesty and I am sure you will create less frustration. Frustration for me comes from helplessness and when I am in-integrity I am not helpless but actively part of creating my own results.
It was really good to get that dinner organized I’ll tell you
xox Wilma
Hi Wilma! Your experience with your daughter smacks of some of the frustrations I’ve known as well. I think we all take this baptism at some stage. Once dunked into it, I too swore it wouldn’t happen again. For me it was a matter of respect. There was a point it was just expected I would do something with absolutely no cooperation from the one who wanted this – I was mom – I always did everything, didn’t I? Yep, I was dunked! This was many years ago. I’ve learned from that, as you have. Hubs and I have a routine and question if anything approaches this – we ask “Who OWNS this problem?” That alone will sort things quickly.
I am amazed looking back on my life at just how much I learned from my kids, especially when they left the nest! Call it integrity, call it respect – doesn’t matter what you call it – it’s all about feeling good!
Hugs,
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..Too Much of a Good Thing
Hi Suzen, you made me smile a knowing smile. Yes who hasn’t indeed!
Good on you to bring respect into this. Respect is a good word and a good thing to request.
Otherwise these interactions start to reek of slavery and as I think that has been abolished long ago so why would mothers be the exception?
Yes, who OWNS this problem is a good one, it brings it back to who is responsible and what there is to choose for us as well. We do not have to do anything, we are free to choose, phew who would have thought.
Feeling good for me has been feeling confident, clear and no longer confused about what to do. That clarity is sheer bliss, I can go on with life without all these coulds and shoulds and bad thoughts.
At least we don’t end up in hell as a result of our nasty thoughts, xox Wilma
PS; This whole out-of-integrity and disrespect issue is far more reaching that just grief with our family though.
It also gives us grief with how we are out-of-integrity with our food. Your issue with toxic food is a result of our global out-of-integrity.
We have lost sight of what is important, we are too busy making money to pay attention to our food intake.
We close our mind to these food issues, we cannot cope with what is the wholesome ‘what is so’ in this arena so we keep being disrespectful of what we are doing to our body and mind.
Oh SuZen, if we clean up our act we sure will clean up all the other global issues as well, but we have to start at home in our daily lives. Cheers to us for a better world hey.
Hello Wilma,
I can’t help but feel, as I read your post, that sometimes a parent must know when to let go, which is a very difficult thing to do with your own children.
It seems that your daughter is caught between a rock and a hard place and is suffering for it. She wants you all to be together and that is clearly not an easy thing to achieve.
Remember, she is still young but the fact that she continued to want to have the dinner meant that she, in her own way, is trying her best to hold on to what she loves and not give up, and that right there shows her integrity.
You are a strong and brave women for enduring the pain and frustration. It’s always our expectations that disappoint us in the end, is it not?
Jillian´s last blog ..Not Giving in to Stress and Anxiety
Hi Jillian. What an absolutely lovely point you make. I love that you see my daughter’s desire to honor the connections with my family despite all the carrying on that is going on in the background. Thank you for seeing the good in her and I agree she is certainly in-integrity there. It shows that if we dig deep enough there is always good to be found and when we hang on to our story we miss that.
It has served us both that I understood about and stayed in-integrity with the doing around the dinner request.
Otherwise I am sure that despite her desire, it would have easily turned into a non event as a result of all the out-of-integrity issues around old family stuff and old family stories and her daily doing.
And that is where we get stuck in these old patterns of out-of-integrity behavior.
I now know that I can get to organize things around her if I stay focused. If I would have given up, I would give up for future events as well and continued the line of thinking that it is all too hard.
Yes, as a parent we need to know to let go or at least try to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ in the whole situation. However to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ is difficult sometimes as we have so few people around us who take enough interest in us or have the wisdom to modify our own take on things. That is why we get stuck, we need some fresh input and where do we get THAT?
Therefore I so appreciate these conversations here on this blog where we ARE contributing to each other so we can move forward with the people in our lives in a way we all benefit from.
Jillian, as you can see I really really appreciate your wonderful perspective about my daughter’s place in this. It shows life is complex and it pays to work towards seeing the whole picture, hugs Wilma
Wilma,
Brilliant as these examples exist so frequently in every day life. I think of my co-workers and how much time we spend together and how I try to keep my “Spirit” among them. Some days the drama is so thick I feel tempted to compromise and join in because sloggin through it feels most uphill; most days I just concentrate on being myself and doing my best because that is who I am. I come back to the fact that I cannot change *them* I can only change my perspective and staying true to myself is what helps me remain peaceful and sleep well at the end of the day:)
Joy´s last blog ..My Weekend Away……
Hi Joy.
I remember you saying that your co-workers told you when you just started your job how you would lose your spirit after a while. So good on you for NOT losing your spirit as they predicted. It shows however that they are aware that they have lost theirs, otherwise how could they warn you of that very same thing?
Yes being in-integrity requires taking a stand, it requires NOT having life corrupt and poison your pristine thoughts and desires AND that requires skill and awareness.
What is so dangerous is that these things I am writing about are toxic for our heart-centered self. They are so invisible and have us slide into bad behavior and bad habits.
Just like SuZen is making us aware of the toxins in our food, I am making myself and others aware of the poison in our thinking that slowly kills who we are;loving and in-integrity, connected human beings.
Oh Joy, I find it such a solace to meet people here who are in agreement, that will encourage all of us. People wanting to learn how to fend off that poisoning and to learn new ways of doing in our daily life.
For me it used to be a question of “what do I do?” as I did no longer know how to live a good life, back then I had no idea what to change my behavior into.
This distinction of integrity for example is supporting my understanding of what is going on and how come we have let this world get to this awful stage. It supports me in cleaning up my own act.
That gives me peace and a way forward.
I know you are on a similar journey and I am so pleased you found your buddy in Jay. It is more fun together. Not many sleeps before he arrives
Love to you both, xox Wilma
Hello Wilma!
I love the example you used and can relate with so many examples of my own with both of my daughters. We’ve come a long, long way in behaving with integrity because I don’t own their relationships with anyone on their father’s side. Including their father. They are responsible enough at 25 and 22 to navigate some tricky relationship issues with him and his family. They don’t need me involved, banging my way around like a bull in a china shop, making something worse or more difficult
(Been down that road!)
Integrity, being whole, not blaming, not making excuses, not pointing fingers is very important to me – I’m sure there are parts of me (those hidden spots) that may be out if integrity, so I’ll give those a thorough uncovering and see you on the Forum to discuss this more in detail!
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Serendipity Strikes Again!
Hi Peggy.
For me it is good to understand how out-of-integrity life is and how that keeps me out-of-integrity if I am not very careful and aware.
I can now see how out-of-integrity behavior can effect family, especially with divorce as an extra complication.
I am so pleased I am getting clarity about what I have to accept and what I do have a say in. I am pleased that the banging my head period is over, thanks to having an useful explanation.
As I said to SuZen, being out-of-integrity has allowed us to create more and more mess, to the point we are poisoning the world to a point of no return and we allow our body to be poisoned with bad food and ourselves with bad thoughts.
And the change starts with me, no good blaming anybody else when I am just as much at fault if I am not careful. Integrity seeps through all facets of life, it is like you cannot be half pregnant, once you are a stand for being in-integrity you can no longer close your eyes to anything.
And I am looking forward to what you have to say on the WomenLikeMe Forum, your insights are awesome and the way you write them a sheer delight to read.
Hugs Wilma
Wilma, hello, my first visit to your blog. Since we have just emerged from some very out-of-integrity challenges within the family here in Japan, I very much appreciated the timing of your insightful post. I especially appreciate your point in a reply you made that, “once you stand for in-tegrity you can no longer close your eyes to anything.” Of course, this is what makes in-tegrity so hard for many people – closing the eyes is such a comfortable way out, even when it results in actual discomfort and even pain. And speaking of closing the eyes to in-tegrity, please visit my latest blog post if you have time and see what out-of-integrity is doing to Japan’s Mount Fuji.
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Blasting Mount Fuji to Bits – Does Live-Fire Artillery Count As a Spiritual Distraction?
Hi Catrien, welcome and good to see you joining in. Hmm, I guess you did not have a great time then, feeling awful and helpless and very annoyed how we can make life so miserable for each other no doubt? Oh, why oh why are we so inapt to make life beautiful and loving.
Yes, being in-integrity does make others uncomfortable, you are dead right. The more you act from integrity, the more their denials, excuses and blame will show up and that is not always a pretty sight. Yes, most of us live in a very smelly and messy world and unfortunately one gets used to the smell and the mess until someone comes along smelling of fresh air.
And indeed out-of-integrity behavior is fundamental for all these horrible things that are happening on the planet, Mount Fuji is no exception.
The only way out is understanding the issue, getting fresh point of views that make more sense than the old ones and change one’s daily life to one of in-integrity. Once we have sorted our lives at that level, a tipping point is possible.
Love Wilma
Hi Wilma – What a great role model you are for staying calm and collected in the midst of a complicated family situation. I have a good friend who is similar to your daughter. She has a very difficult time setting dates and making commitments, and I have learned to practice detachment with her, because I do want her in my life. I love her. But part of that love has been about learning to see where I project my stuff on to her, as well of letting go of my expectations of what our relationship should be. But it’s something I have to be aware of constantly, or else I will get sucked into the chaos and confusion. So thanks for reminding me of that with your wonderful post. Hugs!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays: The Birthday Edition
HI Patty. Yes, out-of-integrity is everywhere. Unfortunately it is an accepted way of life.
Although we all talk about honesty and openness and responsibility, in daily life integrity is not happening very often. Neither does it in business or in politics or even in religion.
So no wonder we are confused.
That is why I found it so great to get the distinction what integrity really means. Now I can apply it consistently. It makes a difference as it does get things done with ease and a lot less hassle, frustration, anxiety and annoyance.
You make a good point about understanding which people do not want to play at that level.
At least you know what is bugging you about your friend and that helps to decide if your friend’s behavior is worth the ‘trouble’. As you accept her out-of-integrity and all that comes with it, you indeed do not get caught up in her chaos and confusion.
But I agree, you have to stay awake, egos and their out-of-integrity behaviors are not to be underestimated. Hugs to you too, Wilma
Hi Wilma!
I enjoyed hearing a very real struggle to communicate and stay in integrity with your daughter and her situation. Part of me says, I would have blown a gasket. Your patience and resilience is astounding. I became aware many years ago about blaming others and using excuses. I wanted to pin all my problems and bad decisions on my mom’s alcoholism but in the end. I had to take responsibility for MY decisions.
I accepted my background as part of who I was and vowed not to carry it forward in my daughter’s life. I am sure I could be more aware and steadfast with taking on too much. There is always room for improvement, but all in all I am satisfied with my integrity and ability to say no to overfilling.
As always thought intriguing my dear Wilma.
xoxox
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..I had a dream….
Hi Angelia, there would have been a time where I would have blown a gasket and would have blamed my ex and his family for it all. AND that would have left me feeling very yucky about myself and feeling I had failed my daughter. Which I would have.
It amazes me too sometimes how understanding integrity is giving me the clarity to stay focused and to let go of all the crap. That in itself keeps me calm and collected.
Oh Angelia, I am congratulating you for moving beyond your past, THAT is indeed being in-integrity too. In the end we are NOT our past and we CAN make changes if we so wish. And is that not wonderful. Imagine being a prisoner of the past because you cannot be responsible for yourself?
We might as well shoot ourselves right now.
Hmm, taking on too much sounds familiar, over-promising sounds familiar.
There is always a chance to renegotiate what you have taken on by owning up that you cannot deliver. I found that extremely hard to do, but in the end it often proved to be a good things to do.
I am sure you will be careful with a wedding as a priority and we do not want to witness chaos and confusion. We want to witness beauty and serenity, my friend.
We will be watching, love Wilma
Hi Wilma – I’m not sure how you coped .. but well done you for hanging on in there. I find procrastination so frustrating. I was taught early on in a job – to give the best answer I could, ie make a decision .. it would probably be the right one, but it could always be changed later on.
This has stood me in good stead through my life – obviously not every decision is like this .. but if we need to make one because of others – then do it. I get complained at because I do make decisions and then with unfolding events, may change my mind or my direction .. part of life. .. but not a date with the family – if that’s set = that is it.
I love your words “when I choose” .. you can achieve those things the family want but aren’t helping you with .. and “ keeping your calm and clarity” – what a wonderful position to be in.
This week I am trying to remember that the now is fun (and is not a chore), and that I am having a good time for something that I’d rather not be doing, that wasn’t of our making (my mother or I. Doing it with as good a grace as possible.
Having integrity with myself can be tricky .. I start to do things, but then the next things don’t happen, I am progressing and I’m sure once I’m out of the wood work, things will flow .. and I’ll get my own integrity to myself back.
Perhaps I’m pleased I don’t have children … no!! Thanks for the learning experience .. some of it I can see me in there, but also I can see I was taught a valuable lesson early in life – despite being questioned for it later on – I make dates and times easily, and get frustrated when I can’t get that commitment from others ..
Go well and have a good week – hugs from a still cold, but dry south coast! Your photo is typically small country lane .. on a very cold winter’s day …
xxoo Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Fussbudget .. a bore, or a boar …
Hi Hilary.
Funnily enough understanding what being in-integrity means makes it actually a lot easier to cope with the chaos and confusion and annoyance.
What frustrated me in the past was that I could not get a grip on what was going on and what I could do to sort the muddle. THAT created feelings of unease, guilt and all the other mind generated nonsense.
I am soooo grateful for this clarity, believe you me. I am also grateful that I no longer blame my daughter either, oh that is so easily done as well.
I do agree that you have learned a wonderful skill in making a decision and knowing you can always renegotiate. What a freedom. People think that sticking to things is being in-integrity, it is being stupid and not understanding the flow of life. But again it shows how little we actually understand what to think!
Yes, gracefully dealing with that what you cannot change, accepting where you are with your Mum is also being in-integrity. Again Hilary, I love your ability to observe and work so well with the ‘what is so’ that is right in front of you.
It shows in the result, you know, you are usually very on the dot with your comments!
Children, yes they enrich life and they are also not necessary to live life to the full. Something yet again you accept with grace.
Being in-integrity usually makes people around you twitchy, as I said before it shows up their being out-of-integrity and their ego responds with attacks.
When I was not that well versed with the whole integrity issue, my ego responded and sometimes sided with the attacker for goodness sake. Now I am standing tall and see the ego’s attack for what it is and carry on. During that practice it has been good to be egged on by others who understand integrity because it is not easy to hold your ground with the amount of pull that goes on from the out-of-integrity world around us.
I’d say you are doing a marvelous job to hold your ground, you really do Hilary.
There are people on your side, I for one am one. Big hug for you and your Ma, Wilma
Thanks Wilma .. you do write wonderful replies to all of us – yes – we can’t change others can we?! I just get frustrated that people don’t want to improve and learn, and are happy with the status quo, or worse simply can’t be bothered.
I had the doctor saying to me – make a list .. and I said to her I’d been doing this for 2.5 years and I’d had enough .. still I’m just slowly getting on with it ..
My problem is I speak my mind, I am very direct .. don’t mean to be quite so – but just as I am .. and perhaps I daunt them .. just frustrated that so many people don’t think for themselves any more
I’m sure I’ll be a better person .. once I’ve assimilated this time into my life .. and I hope softer and more understanding .. I am both – but it doesn’t come out ..
another ramble .. sorry .. hope you’ve had a good Sunday and have a good week .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Women – how much education have women had in the past 2,000 years?
Oh Hilary.
Never underestimate the level of out-of-integrity in this world and how frustrating it is to get something done. I know!
There is something at stake here, your Mum and it is really hard to see how the possibility of excellent care and accepting the self-sabotaging of people around you. It requires the acceptance at the level of a Saint!
Yes, that requires an awful lot of acceptance.
People,even doctors do what they do and even when their out-if-integrity behavior is so clear and giving you huge headaches, it is a sheer act of your will power to stay in-integrity yourself.
Speaking up is difficult and takes a lot of courage, as people will NOT thank you for it.
You call them on their dishonesty and their ego will fight rather than listen and become responsible again.
Hilary, especially in your situation when you do need the cooperation of others, the out-of integrity shows up big time.
Just be aware what you see is valid and that there is at this moment in time not a lot to be expected.
It is unbelievable when you really look at what is going on what you see and really hard to believe we can act and survive as we do. Take care of yourself, don’t get too hot under the collar if you can and just trust that things are going to change. As I said, we are working on it, one very tiny step at the time.
Hugs Wilma
Wilma,
I don’t feel you failed as a mother…I think “when we know better, we do better.” What ever it is that you and your daughter learned or are learning is necessary for your growth and life here on earth. I had a professor who said we didn’t need to be “perfect” mothers (like we each believe we should have been). We only need to be “good enough.”
And that we were good enough mothers! Oh yes and the only memories I want are the good and gentle ones. Even though I know it’s living in the past I have to go there because there is so much joy it still shouts through time at me today.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Bold Solutions For A New World
Hey Tess, as I told you before, your loving and non judgmental support from a non perfect mother means a lot. We are so inclined to think we are the only bad ones and thus never dare to share our own concerns. That is fatal as we then miss out on having others modify our toxic thoughts and we live forever into our own toxic stories.
I now have the strength to see the wholesome ‘what is so’ without judging or going on a mental rampage about myself.
I do see shortcomings, like a runner can see where improvement is possible, and work on them. I do want to be a mother who is clear and honest and who understands and applies being in-integrity. I love working my way up from confusion, toxic thoughts and ineffective behavior.
I love knowing I will give my daughters a chance to live a healthier life in many respects by role modelling a different way.
I know you are on that mission too and it feels more than good, doesn’t it?
I love knowing you are there, that you know what I am going through and I love to know that we can do it.
xox Wilma
Dearest Wilma, I’ve been here three times and read this post as I found it fascinating. Brilliant in it’s insight. I’m sure it’s something most of us can relate to from some point in our lives. It’s a powerful post because it hits on so many layers of insight or realization. Late last night while laying in bed I felt your insights go through me like a child sifting sand at the beach, until all that was left was the core nugget (or the core nugget that MY body sensed). For me that core lies in these words: “I can now accept that… most people very seldom act in-integrity. I recognize out-of-integrity behavior for what it is and therefore it no longer effects me much.” You are astounding Wilma.
That to me says it all. I too had this realization one day and everything shifted. When I was younger I walked around expecting and thinking that everyone around me should always be “in-integrity”. And when they weren’t they had somehow let me down. They were not to be trusted. “They” had failed. They were “less than”. But then after living in the rainforest with deadly snakes, stinging trees, crocodiles, sea snakes, sharks, spiders, scorpions, leeches, poisonous ticks and so on, it changed everything. They TOO were part of the rainforest and forced me into awareness. Yes, Nature was beautiful and Nirvana, but that did NOT mean that “I” didn’t have be aware responsible for all my actions. That didn’t mean that I didn’t have to be proactive (AND ACCEPTING) of other life forms and ways of being.
So then when I came out of the rainforest I began to see people’s “out-of-integrity” in a whole new light. It just IS. I didn’t have to judge it or place it anywhere. It was like the snakes and the corcs and the stinging trees in the forest, just part of Life. I didn’t have to change it or correct it or make it go away. In fact, I began to embrace a bigger picture of life and Humanity, and realized that people have to be able to make mistakes and go through things that aren’t perfect or can be even painful to themselves and those around them, BECAUSE that is part of Human “being”. It is part of our growth and exploration, and way of often acquiring wisdom and body knowing. We can’t possibly go from womb to grave without making mistakes and living and doing things wrong sometimes, and sometimes horribly wrong, without hurting ourselves and others. We have to be allowed to be human.
From this place I began to grasp a bigger sense of “Humanity” and what it meant to be human myself and for all of us. This didn’t mean that I had to let others walk all over me or abuse me or go along with choices they made that were inappropriate for ME. What it meant was that “I” had to live in awareness (just like in the rainforest) and “I” had to make sure that I was doing and choosing what was right for ME. If I lived in my “right” place (”in-integrity) for me then that was all that really mattered. It wasn’t about “OTHERS”. It was about ME. Just like in the rainforest, for the first time in my life I realized that I had to take responsibility for all my actions and choices, my thoughts, beliefs and all of it. That didn’t mean that I could always control the world around me or that I always got what I wanted…even when I DID act consciously and responsibly. BUT it did mean that I could always choose how “I” would respond to each situation.
I no longer talk in terms of “trust” or even whether someone has let me down, etc. Somewhere along the way it shifted to simply being “What is appropriate for me?” And to, “This is Humanity and I am in love with Humanity and all of it’s faults, mistakes, out-of-integrity, it’s pain, suffering, failures, lets downs, and so on. Because I am in love with Robin, and she has been or is all those things at some point or another. I found that I could embrace all the “out-of-integrity’ as “part of” Humanity and not “apart” from Humanity. In doing this I relaxed. People around me relaxed and began to grow and embrace THEIR humanity and supposed failings. With time I found that there was nothing to hang onto or try to control any more. My focus shifted to love and “what is it that “I” need?”
I’m not sure whether it was in doing this that I feel in love with Robin and forgave all her faults, or whether I fell in love with Robin and in embracing all her faults could then embrace humanity and all of it’s supposed faults. Like in the rainforest, I ended up loving the whole thing, even the potentially deadly creatures that brought about my awakening. I have tears in my eyes over the way you bring out the deepest part of me dear Wilma. I understand and love you. You are reaching deep and honestly and take me and others to our core. You are more brave and alive and open than I suspect that you know. And it is one of the truly beautiful things in my life. You are. Much love always, Robin PS Sorry this is so long.
Robin Easton´s last blog ..How We Shape Our World
Robin, as always you lift what I am saying up to a height that is so beautiful and so promising and so where I want to take women on the WomenLikeMe program.
Robin you are just amazing, you are the promise of what is possible when we sort ourselves out. We need you to word this promise for us as we need to see some light shining through the mud we are currently swimming in.
Oh Robin, you describe it so well, you understand what integrity is and where it will lead us to.
You also make accepting a part of being in-integrity. Accepting is such a misunderstood concept as well, most of us have no idea what accepting is and isn’t. Your comment shows all the things we have missed out on, when we lost our integrity as a whole.
Your book must be amazing as you have so understood what nature is able to teach us.
Nature is of God and is full of integrity and life lessons unadultared by toxic and poisonous thoughts and intentions.
Robin, your comments are never too long, they are to be treasured in full.
I could quote your comment in full as I love all of it.
I choose this part as it says what I so aim for;
I realize that when I work on ME, I work on the whole world. I am giving my daughters a chance to embrace humanity and go beyond a fight for survival, while feeling alone, confused and dishonest.
If that is not a compelling reason to embrace going for living life differently, what is?
Robin, as a bright shining female goddess, you pull us up and as Marianne Williamson says, when you shine brightly you give others permission to do the same.
With your beautiful words you give me permission to shine too, you pull me up.
My dearest friend, your connection is priceless, your Love is magnetic bringing the best out in me. Heaps and heaps of Love to you too, xox Wilma
Wilma, I give you a lot of credit for hanging in there with it. After the first two weeks of excuses, I would have told my daughter that she could arrange it herself.
You have me thinking on the reasons why you may have kept trying, despite all the out-of-integrity people you were dealing with? I resist that notion, and rather than labeling it as good or bad, right or wrong, I think I’ll simply let it settle and observe my thoughts on either side of that fence.
Have a blessed day!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Life, Death, and Reflection
Hi Megan.
That is interesting what you say here; “You have me thinking on the reasons why you may have kept trying, despite all the out-of-integrity people you were dealing with?”
Do you mean if I have thought about this? “Is it controlling behavior, in the arena of I said so so I want it to happen?
Is it stubbornness? Is it to do with me and not my daughter?”
All that has been going through my mind, sure.
In the end I decided it was about keeping my commitment to help her make it happen. And as that required to have certain things in place I just kept on making requests without attachment or judgment.
What was required was keeping an eye on the wholesome ‘what is so’, keep checking if her desire was still there and keep watching my attachment to the outcome and my emotions.
Once I really got that clear, it wasn’t that hard in the end as I could quickly catch my emotions before they could create havoc and I had firmly in place what I was doing this for.
Since I am consciously watching my integrity, things have become so much clearer and easier. There is so much less mess I have to clean up, on their or my end.
As Patty said, people tend to drag you into their chaos and confusion, but since I am in-integrity that is happening less and less. And that allows for peace and continued commitment in the face of no agreement WHEN what you are a stand for is important to you.
I am so less a victim of circumstances and other people now I understand this being-in-integrity.
I would love to hear a bit more of your thoughts Megan, about what you mean with your thoughts being on either side of the fence. I respect your thinking so I would appreciate to hear more.
Love Wilma
Oh, what a difficult situation! But one we can all relate too. Family is perhaps the most ‘out-of-integrity’ area it often seems (well, maybe politics is high on the list too!) There are just so many emotions involved. It is amazing how you handled this, it seems it really would have worn down (or infuriated) most people completely. Your suggestions at the end did make me think. I have several social obligations I have been putting off, and the truth is it is because I do not want to do them. So I need to just take care of it – either say I don’t want to do them or do them.
I can see how important it is think in terms of integrity with ourselves too, in terms of goals, etc. It is easy to ‘promise’ ourselves alot of things and not follow through either…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..EmBody Talk at BlissChick – Come Join Me
Hi Lisa.
There is so much out-of-integrity in the world but the ones in our daily life are the ones that directly effect us all the time.
No wonder children rebel. They watch us parents being out-of-integrity and then we ask them to do as they are told and keep their word. Especially teenagers are the ones who then tend to say “no deal, who are you to tell me”. Not totally incongruent behavior if you look at the wholesome ‘what is so’, is it?
It has been painful to realize that when she was young I did not give my daughters a good example of what being-in-integrity means and I am very well aware of that. Ouch.
THAT makes me even more determined to set a good example and work steadily on being-in-integrity now.
I cannot blame her, she is who she is and I probably have some doing in that. Ouch again. I am very grateful to have gone past that, to have forgiven myself and to be able to be a lot more confident in knowing what is good these days.
I was ignorant as a parent, but no more and at least I can role model better and I accept that she can take it or leave it.
Yes, social obligations are a real good one to drag us out-of-integrity. You either choose to attend with grace or you say “no play’” with confidence and grace. But letting your decision drag on, doesn’t serve anybody. Good on you to see that. Be aware that your children hear you talk about it and can you imagine their confusion to see the in-congruency between talk and doing.
Oh Lisa, out-of-integrity behavior has caused so much confusion for so many people and especially children. They watch us with their beautiful big innocent eyes and I shudder to think about what they must see, what my daughters must have seen.
So I cannot blame her and I cannot get angry, all I can do is trust I can be the change and that they are still watching.
Thanks for taking this seriously, because your little ones deserve it. xoxx Wilma
Wilma, I wish I could write like you, clearly showing what’s going on within. Instead, since I’m such an emotional creature—that is, being so in tune with my emotions that they’re hard to separate from me—it’s not easy to put what I experience into words, at least not as fully well as you. (Robin’s another!)
As for always acting with integrity… I think we’re very hard on ourselves, because we’re taught at a very young age that sometimes we’re punished and others aren’t and that begets the “what about me” state of mind, setting us up for comparisons. We learn the lesson well, and no one ever tells us it’s time to stop, turn around, and UN-learn it. We’re on our own, and it takes lots of knocks followed by serious introspection before we wake up. But it turns out to be a simple lesson. If we simply stop comparing anyone to anyone else, is we simply accept that we each live in our own world of our own making with our own rules and our own lessons to be learned for evolving as spiritual beings, then it’s much easier to just do what’s best for ourselves and be fully present in all our loving glory for our loved ones and be caring and love-giving to all the rest, at varying distances. That said, the more engaged are our hearts, the more difficult it is to remain in our own worlds when others’ are less than living their fully loving selves. It simply takes dedicated practice. Often, lots of it! We lower the gossamer curtain when bad moods surround us, waiting with quietly dignified patience, and when the storms pass, we raise our little curtain and shine our beaming smiles, giving all the love we’ve stored during that “rainy day.”
You are one of my favorite bloggers, because you are so open, honest, deep, insightful, courageous, and you being this way, paves the way for me to open myself even more. I just love coming here! You are like a warm hug on a cool day. Thank you. ~ Love, Julie
Julie´s last blog ..Life Changes
Oh Julie, first of all I had an out-of-integrity response to your loving remark about the blog and my writing by dismissing it with embarrassment. But I caught it and I will now gracefully thank you with a beaming smile.
Yes, as I said to Lisa, as children we must go through a really tough time making sense of all this incongruency that is around us. How on earth can we make sense of all that out-of-integrity willy nilly behavior? And once we have made sense of it, we are corrupted for life as it is very hard to keep integrity alive as you so well said.
Now we are having the hard task to unlearn our out-of-integrity automatic responses, now we are going to have a tough time reclaiming our integrity in the midst of the chaos that still exists.
Now we again have to deal with feelings from why they and not me and so on.
You are right, it is going to be a journey, one that Robin so beautifully describes in her amazing comment.
And I love what you say here as well;
Julie, well said, and I so agree with you and it takes lots of practice, lots.
I am starting to see that it is worth the practice and the determination, it pays off. It is making me into someone I can look in the eye and that is so wonderful.
Julie, thank you for listening and hearing me, for adding to the dialog and lots of love to you, Wilma
Hi Wilma .. I think it’s amazing the subjects you are writing about .. they make so much sense and so few of us elucidate or illuminate them (there’s another better more succinct word for those two – but can’t think of it!), or have the temerity to do so. I’d forgotten I’d commented – but that’s life!!
I’m going to add re-reading the post again .. that we tend to create molehills out of things .. we dramatise, because at that time it inconveniences us and people are different. I got this thought from Hendrik of The Positivity Blog’s latest post .. three small obstacles & related it here.
I didn’t have a good day of moving .. but we did move Mum – but everyone was reacting .. no organisation or pre-planning, albeit I’d asked .. etc etc .. it ends up being a muddle, no-one is in charge, and I get (VERY) frustrated .. so I’d better pull my administrative frustration horns back in!
I’ll get there .. go well and have a good week .. thanks for the hugs for us both!
Hilary´s last blog ..Fussbudget .. a bore, or a boar …
HIlary, you are a treasure, a real treasure, I adore your honesty and your integrity.
Yes, it is amazing how out-of-integrity is all around us and making life so complicated.
And it is shocking to realize how people have become immune to their own out-of-integrity and accept it as a way of life. Not amazing if you look at how little we are supported but still and how come society and the world at large has become so slack?
Oh, how hard it must have been to accept that all your preparations and requests about moving your Mum have been ignored and denied. What is going on?????
I love how Robin says that we can go beyond frustration and of course that is the only way to go as I have learned with my daughter but still, not easy to do, I agree!
It takes a lot of practice and for me it took a lot of support that ‘no’ getting frustrated and wanted to fix people’s out-of-integrity was NOT the way to go.
To find peace I had to be above that and oh how my ego fought that for a long time.
If they were allowed to be out-of-integrity, surely I was too?
But in the end I have never gained from lowering my own behavior to the lowest denominator, so here we are, doing our best to stay in-integrity.
It will pay off, Hilary, it will pay off eventually and it is the only way to reach a tipping point.
Lots of love to you again, you add to this conversation as much as you like, you do contribute. Hugs and lots of love, you are a trooper, xox Wilma