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Wilma on Fear of Losing Love
My daughters who do love me.
I so want to acknowledge all your sharing in the comments on this week’s post; My fearful pursuit of love and its pathetic results. Your comments are a beautiful example of our connectedness; how we all have fears and how we all are committed to moving beyond them.
I got to see how in talking about my fear of losing the love of my daughter by saying ‘no’ to her, it had many of you share similar fears. Jodi summed it up well;
the tug and pull of saying no vs. feeling you should say yes to validate your love but then deciding to say no and struggling with how to say no–gosh it’s all so frustrating.
While most of us have this fear in some form or other, the flow of comments made it clear to me that our fears are completely unfounded. The evidence is there in our lives. Love will prevail, it does not walk out the door because we say ‘no’ or stand our ground. Hilary summed it up nicely by saying; “Fear needs to be put in its place and addressed.”
In particular many of us know all about the difficulties of expressing love between mother and daughter. I particularly appreciated Jillian sharing her daughter’s perspective with candid honesty when she said;
Mother/daughter relationships are very complicated. … She says that my expectations for her are so high that I make her nervous the point where she can hardly think straight.
I tell myself that it is not her irresponsible behavior with my children that makes me so angry … she has a right, as their grandmother, to feed them ice cream for breakfast, and I will do the exact same with mine.
I wish that my mother would stop trying to please the world and just be strong and say “no” for once and of course, I too will be irritated when she does!
I can so relate to the whole scenario from both sides.
It is great how we all reveal the demon ‘fear’ together’. As we reveal fear, it loses its grip. As we share, we get to see that we are not alone. It is our separateness, our apparent aloneness that is what fear feeds on.
Is it not a case of fear doing; divide and rule?
Ha, fear has no validity once exposed to the light of our words and love, so good on us for exposing it!
Now we no longer feel we have to hide it and be ashamed of it, we can go beyond it.
That is why I’m hugely thankful for the opportunity that blogging is providing us to write and share and compare notes; especially on the topic of our fears. I believe that we now have a powerful tool for over throwing fear. I can hear it in the gratitude of Sara when she says;
Thanks for talking about this. It felt good to express my feelings about the situation with my divorce and my daughter:~)
Having the courage to write out our stories and our fears not only serves us as it did Sara, but provides all blog readers the benefits of reading a version of their own stories, their own fears. We have no idea how far our comments ripple their effect.
I love Kristie’s words;
you really put your feelings out there and faced a part of you that isn’t always easy for people to face. It’s hard to point out your weaknesses to yourself, especially when you want to live another way so badly.
Thank you all for sharing your stories, your fears, your mother/daughter challenges. Their value can not be underestimated as we go for living another way, free from fear, basking in the love that we all have in abundance, obviously :~).
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29 Comments to “Wilma on Fear of Losing Love”
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Thanks so much for this! I am just now getting to both posts, and you really cut to the heart of the challenges of parenthood I think. Even without a divorce, I think we have a tendency to want to ‘assure’ our children’s love. Some people try and ‘buy’ it, others try and bribe in other ways. In the end, as so many of your commenters noted, love freely given will be freely returned – in some form anyway. But we have to be able to stand our ground. My children are still young, so I I know it is part of loving them to draw some firm boundaries and stick to them, even if they are mad at me for it (and my son has recently started saying “I don’t love you anymore!” when he doesn’t get his way – daggar to my heart!!) Luckily, the storm quickly passes, and he is on my lap with a hug soon enough.
Anyway, I so appreciated your comment on my Truth quote post, you made me think about it very differently. Interestingly, your post made me think about one of the quotes from that list:
““I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” ~Pietro Aretino
I think is really true, no? In any kind of relationship, there are times we owe the other person the truth, even if they may ‘hate’ us for it temporarily. In the long run, truth and love go together….
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..TRUTH- Quotes and Reflections
Oh Lisa, children’s ability to observe and their intelligence so amazes me.
Yes, in that moment your son does not like/love you, and he says so. He expresses his frustration to the person who stops him from getting his way.
Yes, why not? BUT and that is where their wisdom shows, they feel in the moment AND then let it go, they do not hold on to it as they go from moment to moment in the flow of living. I certainly have lost that and so have my adult children.
And Lisa as a mother I should too go from moment to moment and NOT take it personal as if they will never love me again. OH and that was the pitfall I was in, I was so focused on that fear that I thought they would mean it forever.
Well when they are older, an added complication is that their moment from moment living is no longer so prevailing and they have learned to hold on to grudges longer. That is all it is and in the end they will eventually crawl back onto mommy’s knee. And that has happened when fear no longer makes us do silly things to prevent that. But I liked your analogy with your little ones, it makes sense.
Now about your other point; I am still not sure about telling people the truth. Whose truth am I telling, because again my truth is subjective. I can give people feedback on how I perceive things which is only my opinion BUT that is not the Truth. Truth belongs to God, not humans because we are not capable of seeing the whole picture so we can only see a bit and that is not the truth. Truth for me is knowing ALL THERE IS and basing your opinion on that and I can never do that. I only see snippets so my truth will always be limited.
So hence my reluctance to use the word truth. But sure I can share what I am observing while at the same time also sharing that what I observe goes through a filter, my filter and is NOT the truth.
Thanks Lisa for inquiring, I love thinking about this too. xox Wilma
Hi, I just followed you over from MommyMystic blog. I guess I need to come around more often.
Cheers,
Akemi – Real Life Spirituality´s last blog ..Interview With Dr Judith Orloff, Medical Intuitive
Hi Akemi, welcome and don’t you love the dialog about the truth at Lisa’s blog?
It would be lovely to see you around, the more we all dialog together, the more insights we share, the more clarity we can gain in becoming the change we want to see.
Love Wilma
Thank you so much for visiting! I really loved your comment
Danae´s last blog ..Old MacDonald
Hi Danae, it has been quite amazing to realize the power of childhood dreams and how they can manifest. I am now paying attention to my thoughts, to what I love and to my fears as well.
Love wilma
Wilma,
Thank you for coming by! It means so much to me. I have been keeping up by email subscribing just haven’t had a chance to come by. Work has been really busy plus they have now forbidden personal internet use even on lunch hours. My iPhone is a lifesaver but it is soooo slow to comment typing with one finger.
I enjoyed your openness on fear. It is true. I feared this when I divorced my daughters dad. I also feared the teenage years and on the cusp of 16 this child is amazing.
I stand firm in my faith that no matter what happens in my life – I have nothing to fear. God will turn it into a blessing – whether it’s to have perspective, learn character, or be astounded.
Hugs Wilma,
angelia xoxo
Angelia´s last blog ..Wedding Wordless Wednesday
Hi Angelia, my friend I know that you are a busy girl and I know we will connect from time to time.
Oh iPhones and one finger typing commenting, yes say no more!
Painful to do and painful to watch :~)
I know Angelia, trust and faith is what gets us to connect with the flow of life that only brings good and I am learning.
I am just being mindful of the fear and thoughts and Little Voices in my head who all are very sneaky and very skilled at distracting me from peace and trusting.
Yes, great that our daughters turning out well despite our fears.
Hugs to you too and I so enjoy all your joyful photos with your new camera. xox Wilma
Hi everyone,
This has really got me thinking. There is a fair bit of divorce and that kind of thing mentioned above. Personally, I have not had to go through any of that with my parents or wife.
From a blokes perspective, I always thought the relationship between mother and daughter was far more open and honest in terms of love than a man with his son. Now it seems far more complex. Mind you I have only one brother and no sisters. I was raised in a house of men with one great mother doing everything in the background. What the heck do I know about a sister and mum relationship? lol But the conversation above is interesting nonetheless.
All I can share is that I feel more fearful about expressing my love openly with my dad and brother than with my mother. Its quite confronting to write about this too.
In regards to the fear of losing love. I fear that if I ever had a disagreement with a loved one that I would walk away with it unresolved and to come back to them not being there any more to tell them “I’m sorry.”
This topic hits home hard, and not just for the ladies.
Hi Blair. Yes, as I said in my post, we all talk about love, we all want love and yet, what on earth do we do in daily life with it with the people who are closest to us.
We are doing fearful things. Oh my, we are afraid to tell them we love them sometimes, we are afraid to tell them we sometimes do not like what they do.
We are afraid full stop and that has made me do some dumb things AND that hurts.
Yes, mothers and daughters have issues too, some more than others and I think a lot comes from not daring to admit certain things, like some mothers and daughters just do not like each other. They have different tastes and once you can acknowledge that without fear of losing love, than the relationship can take on another form instead of a forced; ‘we get along fine’.
Oh Blair, I am so getting that we are are still so unskilled in living fully and that shows in daily life. That is where I am observing, that is where I am seeing how much in life can be improved.
Thanks for not being fearful to join the dialog, love to you and Janai, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma – I’m so touched by these mother/daughter stories. I know it can be a challenging relationship, but it’s so special. I lost my mom when I was 20-years old, so I’m always drawn to such stories. Thanks and loving appreciation for taking us down this road.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Being Alive
Oh Patty, that must have been hard. When I lost my mother when I was in my forties it felt as if I had lost my number one fan. I felt so secure in the love of my mom, I knew she did love me unconditionally and that was such a wonderful feeling.
However I was also very critical of my mother, I felt she was boring and old fashioned but my critique of her never seemed to phase her. I have learned from her to do the same with my daughters.
To lose your number one fan when you are so young must have been hard. xox Wilma
PS even when you do not have children you must be an awesome aunt
Hi Wilma – I love your reply to Lisa .. I would add – they (young children) forgive and forget so quickly .. something us adults need to do more of ….
‘hate’ albeit the dictionary is very strong in its interpretation, but we use words loosely and ephemerally quite often in our lives.
How right you are re the truth – we can temper our reply with reasonable truth, get them to look again at those aspects rethink the points being discussed ..
It’s so good to have Blair amongst us expressing the challenges he also faces being part of his family. I hope that we all can learn to love true and fair our nearest and dearest, and then carry that beacon forward to all we meet. Both bits – the family .. and everyone else … are not easy!!
My mother and I weren’t happy before her strokes .. but I just sat in the train and said to myself – love is all now .. and I had to love her – she has really appreciated it, and said she didn’t think I had it in me .. and what a wonderful daughter I’ve turned out to be … I cry when I think of it!
Thanks Wilma – great post and so interesting to read ..
Hilary´s last blog ..Alpha, Treacle, Beta, Dogger, Snow – what do they mean to you?
Hi Hilary.
Somehow it seems so bizarre that we have struggle with the most important thing and that is to get along within families. If you feel loved, you feel secure, you then can venture out in the world knowing there is a safety net. Imagine that Hilary, imagine you fully supported to love and look after your mother while others take over looking after you. But no, there you are, nearly alone and that is such a shame, such a rotten shame.
We all have so much to give and yet is all comes out distorted and painful arrggghhh.
But we are becoming aware and at least you and I connect, although it would be lovely to support you in real daily doing.
However it will be coming, love is the energy that makes the world go round in a way that makes us all prosper. We just have to learn to do love in daily life and not let fear stops us.
So fearless hugs to you and your Ma and your fearful family, xoxox wilma
Wilma,
The hardest thing I ever did in my life as a mom was show my youngest daughter the door when she was 18 years old. Our relationship was so upside down – her dad and I divorced when she was 15 and then right after she turned 16, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went from being an honor roll student to barely graduating. She was mean, broken, angry, confused – and if I even tried discipling her, she’d go right for the jugular, “I’m going to live with dad, then!” or she’d scream, “I HATE YOU.”
One day, I simply had enough. She threatened to move out and in with her dad and I told her to be out by 3PM that afternoon.
It’s hard to fathom that this all happened four long/short years ago…Today, she’s 22 and living on her own in Vail, Colorado. She amazes me at how far she’s come in such a short period of time.
I had to squash my fear of her “not loving me” in order to kick her out. I accepted that she might hate me for a little while. But in the end, she rebuilt her bridge to me. Today, we have a fantastic mother/daughter relationship.
xxoo
Peggy
Oh Peggy, that must have been one of the most fearful things to do, tell your child to pack its bags. However the crazy thing is that it must have come from your heart because when it does, things will always be alright.
, xox Wilma
But phew, how often do we dare to go that far to really experience that what we fear and then to experience that what we fear never happens. I certainly seldom have dared, so therefore your courage is astounding and a great role model for your daughters and Ann-Marie and me
Wilma — One thing I love about your site…is the invitation to talk about issues we sometimes avoid. You have a marvelous way of bringing up a subject and then turning it over to us to share how we relate to it. I thank you for this:~)
Sara´s last blog ..Romancing the Happy Ending
Thanks Sara for acknowledging what is happening here. I do agree, it is very valuable to
dialog all these misconceptions we have carried around for such a long time and to learn from each other. xox Wilma
Wilma – I loved your response to me, and the sharings in other comments here, especially Peggy above. You are so right about how as adults we begin to hold on to things. We let them make little ‘wounds’ in us. Actually, I am seeing this in my 5 1/2 year old daughter already. One of her friends said something to her the other day that she didn’t like, it wasn’t even mean from my perspective, it was just silly, but my daughter took it personally for whatever reason. And even though her friend apologized, she is having a hard time letting go of it. It is the first time I have seen this in her, or any of my kids (the son I mentioned above is 3 1/2.) So there is this shift at some point, where our ego starts to hold on to things…
Also, when I am talking about ‘telling the truth’ to others, I am really talking in terms of our own personal truth, not proselytizing or anything of that nature. So Peggy in the story above had to just tell the truth to herself and her daughter at some point and draw the line. And what you are doing on this blog, is all about truth-telling to me, also. I do also use the word ‘Truth’ with a capital ‘T’ as synonymous with source/ universe/presence or whatever word you want to use. But like you, I am very wary of it being used in the context of ‘I know the truth, and you need to follow it’ kind of way…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..TRUTH- Quotes and Reflections
Thanks Lisa to keep clarifying, I love it as it allows for getting closer and closer to meanings of things and I think we have become to careless with meaning, thinking yeah yeah I know it, lets move on.
It is interesting that your 5 1/2 year old is taking things personal and you can see an ego emerging. If I observe what I have done to my children, it is about making things personal without even noticing this, “you need to share otherwise you are NOT nice”.
I think it creeps in as it is so invisible to everyone, me as a parent included. The whole world swims in ego so it is hard to avoid ego building in children as a mother.
But it is great that you are observing the shift and can watch the language and how we personalize our languaging.
I am doing that now with my own Little Voice, I am observing how it is personalizing things and how to stop that is making a difference.
It works a treat to watch how I take things said or done by my daughters personal and when I stop that what a difference it makes.
It is an interesting process but worthwhile. I am interesting to hear what you think of not personalizing our language and how we talk to each other. Love Wilma
Dear Wilma,
Heartfelt Post!!!
Regarding the fear of losing love, I want to emphasize early realization of gravity of the love from your beloved ones as well. and this is what bothers you if the positive response or sensation of love is not realized. I would like to say that this is the state of mind that is governed by several external parameters. These timely driven parameters vary for individuals. If the parameters are matching we stay tuned. However, when the parameters are not matching, we say we are losing ground.
At times we make a mind set in anticipation to fear of unknown. All we can do is cover extra mile to realize the truth in terms of love. Even if this doesn’t work out, ask yourself few questions.
1. Did you put the best efforts to hold your beloved ones?
2. How much love is too much? If you see a little intensity of love, go ahead and grab that opportunity.
Lastly everyone has to live with fact that no one dies on your behalf nor you die on someone’s behalf. Death is certain to all and ultimate truth of the life. Nobody can evade from this.
Bye for now,
Cheryl
Cheryl Paris ´s last blog ..3x Thursday: You are missed!
Hi Cheryl.
Interesting things you are saying here, but I do not understand them well.
I am aware that I do the best I can at any given moment and that when my wisdom at that moment is limited so will be my best actions and outcome. I am learning to forgive myself for that and at the same time learning to regain wisdom that will allow me to act in a way that I feel in my heart is more congruent with who I AM.
When I honestly observe how I behave, I can honestly say that I can do better.
I think we are terribly unskilled as society has put the emphasis on certain life skills and ignored others. I am about resurfacing those valuable life skills that allow me to reclaim my greatness as I observe I am NOT living into my greatness yet.
What is valuable for this journey is this sharing of daily life examples that is where we get to see the usefulness and applications.
Love Wilma
Wilma, Love the photo of your daughters. They are beautiful! One of my four daughters hasn’t forgiven me for being a young mother who made more than a few mistakes. For a couple of years I was distraught and would do anything I could think of that would please her to love/accept me. Even went to counseling with her to no avail. In July it will be one year since we haven’t spent time together. I’ve learned to accept her choice. I’ve not liven with any guilt or pain am now doing fantastic and loving her from a distance. Who knows it may be like this forever. It is what it is and it’s all good. We are all where we are suppose to be learning the lessons we need. Love to motherhood, eh?!?
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Bold Solutions For A New World
Oh Tess, love to motherhood indeed. Thanks so much for sharing your story, I am so grateful for you doing that, more than you know.
I know you are aware and I know you do not go through life casually and yet even then we do not always get an outcome we desire. I too have done my best and not always succeeded in a way I wish, so it is not only us, hey?
That is what I get from your sharing my friend, I can let go of taking all the blame.
Yes, there is great peace in that and yes it means we can move on and let the past be and let the people who want to stay in the past stay there as well. But we do not have to stay there and we now can express our love differently and in a new way that fits who we have become.
When you come to NZ you get the biggest hug for this. beware!
xox Wilma
Hi WIlma – thanks for that supportive comment – I think I must have something around me protecting me as I do cope – I have brief blips .. but am able to get on with things .. usually – though there’s a few ups and downs at the moment – but all will be well.
I guess we each see ‘love’ and ’support’ in different lights .. and perhaps I intimidate them from being able to cope and live life as I want to – not now perhaps .. but usually .. I am now becoming a free spirit and feeling it myself ..
Don’t know – another of my musings .. hugs across the oceans, round all the little corners to your idyll .. to you and John and Ann-Marie .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Alpha, Treacle, Beta, Dogger, Snow – what do they mean to you?
Hi Hilary, I think you are becoming aware of your heart and the power of love.
It makes you intelligent and focused, free and fearless and a mystery to others.
That is what I think is happening and that is so great. xox Wilma
Thanks Wilma – that’s a very kind comment .. I really appreciate it ..
Hilary´s last blog ..Alpha, Treacle, Beta, Dogger, Snow – what do they mean to you?
Here’s to us and to living with love! It really is amazing how just simply writing about your fears can help you overcome them.
Love,
Kristie
Kristie Ryan´s last blog ..Jon Rawlinson: Now this guy knows how to shoot!
Kristie, “Here’s to us indeed”. I never really realized how much fear I had about losing people I love and of course fear and love do NOT go well together.
They are not good companions, fear makes you controlling and possessive NOT a lovingly free giver of your love.
Yes, it is great to be able to language this so we all can share our take on this and move on from fear to freely enjoy what you love.
xox Wilma