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My fearful pursuit of love and its pathetic results.
Our cat knew she was loved and never went in a frantic fearful pursuit of love.
To live life differently something has to fundamentally shift and for me it is my understanding of love.
I have the strong impression that love is THE most powerful energy and the key to become the change I want to see.
Thus I deem it worth coming to grips with.
One of my first understandings is that I actually do not understand ‘love’ very well at all, which is a bit of a shock as I use the word ‘love’ quite often.
There are also a lot of things and people in my life that I love.
However my recent observations have revealed that . . .
My relationship with love is one of fear, fear of losing what I love and it has nothing to do with love itself.
I hardly ever go to that place of love with the things and the people I love, where I do go to is a place of fear!
I have been fearful of losing the house I loved or the job I really enjoyed.
I have been afraid that colleagues I got on well with would leave or that I might lose the clients I loved working with.
I am also very fearful that if I comment less I will lose all of my lovely blogging friends who add so much value with their contributions.
In relation to the people in my life, I am petrified that either they will stop loving me or that I am not worthy of their love.
Most things I do, do not come from love and therefore I do not access the powerful energy of love.
As a result I do NOT create valuable connectedness but awkward relationships that leave a lot to be desired.
By being fear-in-action I have done stupid things and created that which I feared the most, losing what I love and creating agony and suffering.
Oh my, oh my, what am I doing and who am I being ??????
Instead of a powerful creator securely operating from a strong heart-centered self, fear has turned me into a wimp.
Fear has turned me into a slave of a dominating Little Voice that gets its false authority from unsound thoughts and past stories.
My biggest fear of losing love has been around my daughters, particularly since my divorce.
That has resulted in me fearfully bending over backwards to prove that I love them and that divorcing their father doesn’t mean that I divorced them too.
So instead of feeling confident that love existed between us, I felt insecure and absolutely paralyzed by the thought they would reject my love.
Well, I don’t know about you but when I feel insecure and fearful, I become an awkward try-hard.
As a result I ended up doing all the things that irritated the hell out of them.
However change is happening and the results are showing it.
My youngest daughter lived in another city which is 500 Miles away, which equates to 11 hours driving on New Zealand’s windy two lane roads.
Last week she scored her dream job in a city that is only a two hour drive from where I live.
We are both excited on many fronts, a dream job and living closer, yeah!
So she had to move her meager belongings to Auckland.
As she is a thorough kind of girl, she always looks at all her options; hence I get an email asking if I was willing to move her stuff with our van.
Seems a simple enough request which can be answered with a ‘no’ or a ‘yes’.
BUT a request is never simple for a person who fears losing the love of the people she loves.
My heart knew that the most practical answer would be; “I love you dearly but this is NOT practical, so the answer to this option is ‘NO’. A removal company is the best option here.”
My Little Voice however in its fearful pursuit of love had a fit when it got wind of this answer; “WHAT! You have worked so hard to have her finally love you again and now you put all that at stake by saying ‘NO’. Gheeez, are you stupid or what? You have to go, no matter what!”
There I was, as usual, torn between what would have been a practical sensible answer coming from love and a stupid impractical decision inspired by a fearful, dramatic and dominating Little Voice.
In the past the Little Voice would have won and I would have gone, feeling confused, awkward and overwhelmed causing ineffective results.
However this time I had enough awareness to see the tension between love and my fearful Little Voice for what it was and in the end love prevailed.
So ‘no’ it was, however as I am not that well practiced I did struggle with how to word the ‘NO’.
I knew from the terse reply email that said “Okay then” that my decline email was indeed not well worded.
Hmmm. That of course fed the Little Voice.
While waiting for the time of our weekly phone call to arrive I wondered could I and should I bring this issue up?
Yes, I needed completion.
So I did ask how it was for her to receive my ‘no’ and she replied; “I did not mind you saying ‘no’, I kind of expected it. What did irritate me though was the way you said it. But I know you find it hard to say ‘no’, so I could see why you worded it so awkwardly.”
Phew.
The result was that I did not go on a mad useless fearful pursuit of love.
Instead I will help her move in, which in the end is the far more helpful and sensible thing to do.
This story might seem insignificant, but look at life.
Most of my life I have been at other people’s beck and call, all the while making unsound decisions grounded in a fearful pursuit of the love and feeling far less powerful than I really am.
The irony is that I fearfully pursue the love that I always had and always will have.
As a result I have NOT been productive and effective with my mammoth efforts and to add insult to injury I have been losing sight of my love for myself in the process as well.
WomenLikeMe and fear do not go together very well;
Hard as it is to imagine living in a world without fear it is absolutely possible. Your Little Voice has a lot at stake here and won’t give up easily and will resist allowing your heart to express itself and be heard.
Think about THAT!
OBSERVE!
See for yourself, THINK about your useless fearful pursuits of love and their pathetic results!
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33 Comments to “My fearful pursuit of love and its pathetic results.”
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Wilma, your story actually reminded me about my relationships with friends in the past. I was so grateful to have close friends in the world full of loneliness, and so scared to lose any of them. I would tell them what they wanted to hear, I would listen to some of them nagging and complaining about trivial things for hours. I would be their support. Some of them proudly called me their best friend. But one day I felt so tired … like I’ve been carrying a too heavy burden for too long. Suddenly my fear was replaced with indifference. I stopped trying so hard. It’s no longer important to fill my life with people. Many of them are gone, but the ones that stay take me, love me and appreciate me for what I am. I have no fear of losing them, our friendship happened naturally, it wasn’t earned with hard labor and unnecessary sacrifices.
Living with fear can be exhausting, I am not sure we can “combat” it 100% , but learning to face it, to see the future behind the undesired events as they are happeninng, to accept and move on, – that’s how we can prevent fear from dominating our life.
Aysel´s last blog ..Don’t Panic
Oh Aysel, your story illustrates beautifully what fear of losing love is doing. Creating inauthentic relationships that are not adding value to anyone. Your friends did not learn anything from your efforts, they just got encouraged to keep complaining and exhaust you in the process. Oh how hard that was for me to accept that. ME? . . . NOT being helpful after all and only doing things because I was afraid.
Hmmm, talk about self deceiving.
I love how you now have this in your life;
The difference sure must be noticeable.
Fear is a made up feeling by our mind, fear is an emotion we can control, because it is a made up feeling, it can be un-made and disappear from our lives 100% and that is such good news.
Fright happens in the moment and is healthy and there is a big difference fear and fright. Fright gives you power, fear paralyzes you and takes your power away.
Yes not being afraid of the future and trust it will work out is the way to go and then all those silly things we do out of fear will disappear.
I cannot wait and it looks neither can you, xox Wilma
Wilma, this is totally how I am feeling lately. My first try for my first book launch flopped and I felt horrible and “not good enough” and as much as I wanted to never be seen again I wanted reassurance from those who loved me that they still do because I felt I failed them or something. A love project I work on, meanwhile a fearful life I also live of losing the ones I love. I have felt I always need to prove something because I myself did not have my own approval. I figured I had to always be the pitcher pouring out goodness to be worthy of love received, and even then the pouring out must not stop. The last year I’ve done less pouring out and more ’simply being’ and it has improved but I still struggle with fearing just what you said:
I need to just get over this,.. is what I think. but I know there are messages in behind these reality statements also so I tend to want to pretend I don’t feel this way or I’m in pursuit. I’m actually quite insecure so I realized again. I need others but I think if I would just say so up front that would be a good thing, rather than feeling that in ‘needing’ someone else that does not mean I’m a failure. We’re born for this transparent community. great post! thank you!
Jenn´s last blog ..The Wellspring of Inner Joy: hmm, what’s this?!
Oh Jenn, you are bringing up a whole lot of issues in your comment. One of accepting where you are at, one of wanting to fix things, one of hating to make mistakes.
We have made life very complex and I think we are majorly confused.
However to stay on topic, yes most of the attention and approval and receiving love have been made conditional on us behaving or doing things a certain way. No wonder we are fearful of doing it wrong and losing the love from others.
No mystery there really. But now we have to recondition ourselves and be strong and learn how to love without conditions and behaving in certain ways.
That is possible and that is what I am talking about here.
The learning always starts with observing so you see what is going on, then from there you can start to practice loving people without bending yourself over backwards. The next step is to keep observing what happens then and noticing the difference.
This needs courage and support and that is what is happening on our online program.
And it is exciting to see what a change it makes once you practice acting from love rather than from fear.
It is good to talk and write about it Jenn, once you have put all your fears and confusion and your ego talk out in the open, it loses its grip and becomes less confusing.
Hang in there Jenn, xox Wilma
Boy, who hasn’t been in a similar situation before? I applaud you (and anyone who can do this, really) for being awake enough to recognize what was happening — AS IT WAS HAPPENING! The ability to become a third-person observer of our own thoughts and motivations. Kudos to you, Wilma!
As you succeed in these areas, we all do. Here’s to love, love, and more LOVE! (The unconditional kind that Evita wrote about last week.)
Big hug to you!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Moving Into Unconditional Love On All Levels
Oh Megan,
Having practiced to be an observer has been indeed very valuable.
Just seeing what is so and then not battling with it, has given me the chance to NOT fight what I was seeing.
And that has been good too, not resisting how I was making my own mess and just accepting ‘what was so’.
From there I had the freedom to gently practice doing things differently, coming from love and stop being so fearful.
YES Megan, LOVE is all we need and indeed that unconditional kind of love.
Big hug to you too, it is so good to get this, isn’t it? xox Wilma
I have lived my whole life fearing to lose whatever love I have had. With the result that I did lose it and attracted a love that was toxic to my life and eventually led to a complete dissolution of everything I held dear to my heart. This forced me do admit and face my biggest fear, that of being alone and unloved and somehow I survived – the world did not end. I am discovering that I am in fact loveable, that my parents love me no matter what I do and the same goes for my children. When I allow myself to be me, to love myself just how I am, others seem to respond by liking me without any real effort on my behalf.
Congratulations on your insight about this in yourself. Your reality is what you think about – if you constantly think about losing something, then you will… I am learning to constantly think about what a great person, mother, friend, worker I am and, even though I no longer seek external validation, it is nice to get it completely unasked for. I am learning to act from my heart and also to align my heart, my head and my gut before taking any significant steps. Thanks for this post…
PrincessKate´s last blog ..The truth is….
Wow, most of the time we have to experience what we are fearful of to become free of it.
And I have to congratulate you on your thorough learning you share here;”
You can be so proud of this;
External circumstances can never determine who we are and loving acts driven by fear are not perceived as loving acts.
I love it when you say;
THAT IS IT.
People respond to love, but they also respond to fear, just like dogs. You can stroke a dog but if you are fearfully doing it, it will bite you.
It is so great to finally get away from all the un-serving conditions we have attached to love and how we should live our lives.
I absolutely am excited to discover these new explanations that make such a difference in how I live my daily life.
Because now I can be love-in-action in a way that feels like ME, and my acts are no longer distorted efforts that do not get the desired results anyway.
Oh, I am excited for you and for me and for all of us women who can finally leave all this confusion behind.
As you can see I loved your comment, xox Wilma
Dear Wilma,
Don’t you just hate when the FUD factor takes over? (Fear. Uncertainty, and Doubt)
Me, too.
Like you, I’ve been fearful of what might happen now that I’ve turned off comments on new posts. For me, it’s an exercise in letting go of that sense of immediate gratification and feedback. Like you, I’m commenting less – but I am reading my favorite blogs. I’m on day two (or maybe it’s three) and I feel so much better about letting go of made up blog rules and ettiquette.
I’ve been afraid of losing my income because I dislike my job so much – you, John and AnnMarie have shown me a different way to not be afraid, to think of my job as my means to get on with the rest of my life. When push came to shove last week, it was so much easier to drop work and be where I needed to be – with my family. Seeing Mandy and talking to her before she passed away was more important than any dollar I could earn. Being at the hospital the following day when she passed was even more important than dollars – when I don’t work, I don’t get paid – but my job gives the freedom to be where I’m supposed to be. To be present admist so much sorrow but at the same time, so much love makes me appreciate the job I have.
One of my biggest fears is not doing enough – we talked about it in Women Like Me – and it turns out I’m doing more than enough. I’m present to my family. On Saturday, my two sisters, another brother and his wife, and me and my husband showed up at my brother Chris’ house and we cleaned. We replaced an old microwave. Two of Mandy’s brothers replaced a leaky toliet. My husband and sister-in-law did laundry for four hours. My sisters and I spent three and a half hours cleaning the kitchen. We reclaimed the kitchen table from being storage and now my brother and his kids can have dinner at the table as a family. There’s more to do and we will.
In doing for my brother in his time of sorrow, my heart is filled with so much love. In the past, if he asked or needed something, my answers were short, usually no, or I made up excuses, he lives too far away…I love my brother, but I don’t always like being around him.
Today it is different. I’m not listening to my uber critical little voice. The love quotient is too big, too much, too loud – it’s literally drowning out my Little Voice – and I love that!
I hope the lesson I’m learning right now is not fleeting…I want this one to stick!
xo
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss ~ For My Brother
Ah Peggy, talk about learning curves! And yes I do detest this FUD factor with a vengeance.
Fear has made me so stupid, I cannot even look at the wholesome ‘what is so’ because fear is making me see a whole different ‘what is so’ and usually it is a very stupid version.
Oh Peggy, I am so in awe of how you and your family are dealing with Mandy’s passing and the issues that came up.
I am in awe of how you deal with your own stand around your work and your relationships from your current wholesome ‘what is so’.
Peggy a lesson like this with the explanations you now have will stick. An experience like this is ingrained in your heart and there is where the wisdom lies.
Your mind does not learn lessons very well, your heart does.
When your heart is engaged in the lesson, you are learning.
Love is the only emotion that expands intelligence and the intelligent results you are achieving are proof of that.
Know that there is lots of love from John and me for you and your family and Peggy, I am so in awe of who you are be-ing, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma .. my uncle said “Love is All” and I know I quote it quite often – but I too need to learn what it means. An ‘aunt’ of 93 has just said she was given a special lunch the other day for her Christmas dinner that she couldn’t make .. and just said it was ‘full of love’ – she came away completely and wholly loved by a wonderful family. She is too an amazing woman, but is Cornwall too far for me at the moment: I would love to be able to spend time with her.
I too am going through some challenges, apart from my mother, and I was thinking of that today – the fear of facing the challenge .. I have been prevaricating and not actually doing something to address the challenge. Fear needs to be put in its place and addressed.
Love will be there always, if it’s true, and I get that every day from my mother. I am not fearful of losing her – I’ve done my best. I’m not fearful of the changes that will occur – they will happen.
When I started to comment this morning .. it started with the words ‘I am surprised to hear this post from you …’ I don’t say you have it all – but you most definitely have that capacity to see love and differentiate it from fear ..
It’s interesting because I probably see my mother in you .. whereas I too irritate the hell out of people – especially the family – but I feel confident in myself and happy with life .. not always shown, granted. I’m not sure why I changed and felt able to cope on all levels – I blow up still, especially with the family – though I’m making an effort.
Your daughter .. I said to my Mum once couldn’t she come and help me pack to move out of my place in London before I travelled – it’s 300 miles from Penzance – the answer I got was I’ll send your brother .. that made me do it myself!!
You seem to have SO MUCH WISDOM .. and I’m not sure I quite understand how you still feel so unsure – now life seems to have settled. Relax, don’t worry if you can’t do it – it’ll wait till tomorrow, or it won’t matter .. You seem to have so much going for you and I guess the one thing I always say to myself .. I’m lucky – I’m not wealthy remotely – but I have my head, I’m reasonably intelligent, I live in the western world and the internet world and there are so many opportunities out there.
Re connecting with friends and family .. I’ve always just kept in touch .. and that keeps us connecting – letters particularly, visits, emails and phone calls .. now comments …
Is it being relaxed and not worrying .. I have struggled with the comments sometimes – not understanding, not being on the same wave length, not a subject I know much about .. and my mind is fairly insular – though it’s moving out thanks to blogging .. so I worry I’m not making sense or will look stupid.
I think I’d better stop – as I’m not sure where I’m going with it!! I did think about fear this morning and realised it’s completely divorced from everything else .. and as they say – you won’t be shot and you’ll still be alive – so just do, and do all you can with love – but don’t stress – it’s not worth it … we’d all rather have you here ..
Oh dear this is long .. hugs to you xoxoxo
PS I hope you can dispel the fear – it’s so negative .. and you are so positive and loving to us all …
Hilary´s last blog ..February – the half-way month ..
Oh Hilary, I absolutely love your musings as that is how I see what you are doing here.
I also adore what you say here; and I’m not sure I quite understand how you still feel so unsure – now life seems to have settled.
Hilary, what is happening to me is that I am finally really start to understand everything I have learned over the years. I have gathered quite a bit of knowledge about how to live, BUT I never quite really felt it, I never could really taste it or apply it.
However I am finally getting to the wisdom stage behind the knowledge, and that is what I am sharing.
I am sharing my transformation from my old patterns and perturbations, confusion and immature behavior to what you are seeing currently, my congruent, clear and what I would call ‘wise’ behavior.
I am sharing my astonishment about the fact how badly I have been prepared to use all the talents I have and what it is taking me to prepare myself to have me use all that I AM.
So yes, I am still a mixture of the old and the new, with the balance definitely skewed to the new.
It is so good to hear you say, yes I am confident and happy and I do not know how I changed.
But what I am seeing is that you are observant and taking note of what you are reading. You are being attentative and you take the time to process things; all that brings change. Also your life is majorly suspended and that helps too to break old patterns.
I also love that your ego does not pretend to understand all this.
It took me so long and my ego did not like the not understanding bit so at times my Little Voice pretended and of course that stopped my learning.
However exposing that arrogant Little Voice put a stop to its pretense and that is when I really started to learn. I finally fell on my face and got my hands dirty.
You admitting that you do not know the meaning of words, that you not always understand IS the key here to gaining understanding and once you do you can become the change you want to see.
Hilary, I am in awe of your preparedness to do life in a different way.
Your circumstances could drag you down hugely and drag you into a pattern of hopelessness. And you are not allowing that and that sure makes us Women Like Me.
I am confidently dispelling the fear and so are you and many others we talk to.
I am delighted to have this dialog with you and all the others, it will ripple and make us all the change we want to see.
Big hugs and lots of unconditionally, fearless love to you and your Ma, xox Wilma
Dear Wilma, you are a beacon of love!
It is so difficult to say no to grown up children. I go through that with my son who lives in another state who called and asked me to essentially run some errands. I work long hours and declined, but fretted over my telling him no. Similar results, but I hear the voice too. Thanks.
Erin´s last blog ..Sweet Release
Dear Erin, the word ‘no’ has been difficult for a long time. Yes, you still want to help your grown up children and yes, being fearful of NOT being a good mother never stops if we are not careful.
AND thus we can run ourselves ragged and we still feel that we fall short.
Oh, Erin, the level of confusion is so huge, what to do and what not to do, oh it can give us grief alright.
However I am astounded by my clarity now that my fear is slowly subsiding. It is uncanny how I now can see that a ‘no’ is NOT the big deal. Phew and ti is so freeing, unbelievable AND when you say an intelligent ‘no’, there is never any resistance to the ‘no’.
THAT is what bugs me if I let it. For years I have been running after them for nothing and now I do less, I can enjoy our love more. How cool is that.
Thanks Erin for sharing our motherly confusion, and soon that is behind us as well. xox Wilma
Hi Wilma!
Oh yes, the pain, the fears, the love, the not love – the decades, the lessons, the hurts, the disappointments. I continue to learn but it is from today forward – the past is gone. It served its purpose – it got me where I am today, right now.
I’ve had an astounding past. Glorious!
I’ve had a pathetic past. Depressing!
To continually analyze, reflect, and regurgitate the past zaps me, takes away my energy, takes away my time from the who/what I am NOW and that is all that matters. I have declared that I have thrown all the windows wide open, the doors open and I let all of that go. I can only live in the fresh air of now! Hope you’ll join me.
hugs
suzen
Oh SuZen, I am joining you, I am joining you in the fresh air of now.
I do agree that lingering in the past is futile and guess what, I had the most fabulous time with moving my daughter without fear.
Each day is a fresh start, each day I can reinvent who I want to be and live life differently letting fear go.
I do agree, what a joy living like this and how fresh and clear and life looks to me these days. No more muddy waters.
How is that for glorious indeed, my friend and you sure put a smile on my face, big hugs xox Wilma.
I love this reply! Such zest to it and a great lesson to remember too
Kristie Ryan´s last blog ..The Big Three for Me
Hello Wilma,
Mother/daughter relationships are very complicated. I have yet to write a story about my British mother of whom I completely adore but am the least tolerant with.
She says that my expectations for her are so high that I make her nervous the point where she can hardly think straight.
I tell myself that it is not her irresponsible behavior with my children that makes me so angry because they adore one another and she has a right, as their grandmother, to feed them ice cream for breakfast, and I will do the exact same with mine.
Anyway, it is so important, as you say, to not let fear guide you. I wish that my mother would stop trying to please the world and just be strong and say “no” for once and of course, I too will be irritated when she does!
Jillian´s last blog ..Aspen’s Winter Words Series
Hello Jillian.
I adore your comment, it makes so many points about the tensions in mother/daughter relationships.
Ye as a mother we are fearful to do it wrong, we damned if we do and we are damned when we don’t. I had to laugh when I read this;
Ha, that shows that being relaxed is the way to go. Thanks for showing me that side, it does encourage me to stop trying so hard.
And I am planning to spoil my grandchildren, if I ever get any and I know with one daughter I will get into trouble and with the other I won’t. So be it and at least I am now forewarned thanks to you, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma .. I can see where you’re bemused .. apart from other aspects of uncertainty that are being sorted, I have ‘felt’ that my mother might die – and then that throws a different light on things – hence the hold-back (uncertainty).
Perhaps I’m lucky in that I’ve never felt I knew it all and could go ahead, that’s why I like to understand and slowly proceed – however for years I didn’t know you could ask for help – and that is majorly disadvantageous. That’s probably where my ego was holding me back – because I didn’t want to ask, because I assumed everyone would think me ‘stupid’. However I should ask for help more often .. and I will.
Yes – I can now see that you are sharing the transformation .. and I think that’s what I saw in my mother – except she never quite got there, despite being a successful business owner – but from which she didn’t want to benefit – which then led to challenges for her.
I do what I do, I guess, and address each challenge as it happens – I’ve had to .. and I know most people would have fallen over by now. Re the not understanding – it’s true .. and it’s partly because my mind is where it is – with my mother and previously with my uncle and that puts hedges around – you can escape those sometimes!!
I think I’ve always been lucky in being able to adapt .. – being flexible and realising that ‘that result’ if it doesn’t happen is not the end of the world .. something different pops up, or there’s another way – nothing remains as is.
Thanks so much for your big hugs and the unconditional, fearless love sent to us both .. and mine back or down under to you .. xxoo Hilary
PS Evita over at Lance’s has been interviewed and it’s very eye-opening .. worth a read.
Hilary´s last blog ..February – the half-way month ..
Hi again,
I do think this is a major advantage for learning to understand new explanations and getting ot do things differently;
That attitude will support change;
Starting from ‘knowing I do not know it all’, will support the ability to support the ego and its fearfulness that is holding us back to resource ourselves well in life.
This indeed means being in the flow of life;
It is hard as we want to know what is going to happen and when, that is why we insure ourselves for everything and anything when we can.
Hilary, I do agree, fear is NOT helpful as life does throw curved balls all the time.
What is helpful is trusting we have all the resources we need to solve any situation when they arrive and to learn to be in alignment with an universe that certainly plays a different game according different rules that our current society is presently playing.
All we need is to learn that different games and to learn the different rules.
And you and I are prepared to do that, THAT is our life insurance XOX Wilma
Hi Wilma,
We all go through this. I can relate to everything you wrote. In particular the tug and pull of saying no vs. feeling you should say yes to validate your love but then deciding to say no and struggling with how to say no–gosh it’s all so frustrating. In times like that, I take a breathe and remind myself that Life is Simple because it really is! It’s just our emotions that make it seem complicated, I remind myself. Then, like you, I work to separate my fears from what the reality of the situation is so that I can make right and kind actions. I commend you for being so aware of what is happening and working so hard to overcome it all. Please do remember to be patient and loving with yourself. There are so many things you are a master of…letting go of fear is a biggie and is probably the last thing we hold on to in our awakening process. xo, Jodi
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Affirmations for a Good and Happy Life
Oh Jodi, you got it in one, it is frustrating to find myself in this muddle.
And yes, it is great to fall back on this explanation; Life is Simple because it really is! It’s just our emotions that make it seem complicated.
Yes, the Little Voice and the ‘ego pain body triggers according to Eckhart Tolle’ makes it all so confusing.
You are sweet Jodi, yes I am gentle on myself and I am so grateful to be having these insights as it surely makes a difference. Less drama and far more valuable results.
Yes fear is a biggie, and it comes from feeling separate, doesn’t it.
Imagine a world where we really are love-in-action, we would never feel lack of anything, love, support, belonging and we would have access to so many resources to survive as well. Bliss and with people like you and many others we have connected with, it will happen, a big hug for that, Wilma
Wilma — This article really hit for me when you talked about the fear you had about your daughter when you divorced. I had that fear, especially since I was the one who left the marriage first and in a lot of anger.
One of my daughters struggled with this and still does. In some ways, my fear has come true. For ages, I tried to make it all okay, but I couldn’t. I would jump hoops to please this child. Like you, I think it only irritated that much more:~)
I worked with a very wise person on this issue and she told me I had a choice. I could chose to let my fear of losing this daughter take charge of me or or I could chose to be who I am, love her as best I can, and let go of my fear. This meant I had to accept that I might lose my daughter.
Fortunately, so far I haven’t. My daughter and I still talk regularly and I love her as much as I ever did. Our relationship is different and not exactly what I would wish for, but it’s there. I work hard to keep the door open, but I no longer let my fear direct me.
Thanks for talking about this. It felt good to express my feelings about the situation with my divorce and my daughter:~)
Sara´s last blog ..A Picture Story Guest Post
Oh Sara, thank YOU for sharing about your relationship. It does feel good not to be alone!
I absolutely resonate with this;
When you say “Our relationship is different”; that is acceptance, something I did not understand and thus for a long time struggled with what was happening. I did want our relationship to be different MY WAY and I so wanted to force that.
Now like you I see it for what it is and I do my part and that is all I can do.
I also am letting go that it it a sign of having been a bad mother.
Oh the tangled web we weave sometimes.
This is me too;
Having let go means that I feel no longer a beggar or at her mercy and THAT feels so good, doesn’t it. XOX Wilma
Wow Wilma, that was a really great post. I mean, you really put your feelings out there and faced a part of you that isn’t always easy for people to face. It’s hard to point out your weaknesses to yourself, especially when you want to live another way so badly.
I can totally relate. I have to remind myself all the time to live in the moment and to live from love, but it really takes A LOT of practice. Though I have come along way (especially with the loving myself part), I’m definitely not where I want to be. I want to live more boldly, with less fear and more love.
Remember, to take time and appreciate yourself. I feel like loving yourself goes a long, long way and that often times that’s the best place to start (and not as easy as I would have thought). Fear is an interesting animal, but I’d say the more aware of it you are, the easier it will be to live without it. Congrats on your recent success of not letting fear overcome you
And good luck with overcoming it! We’re in it together on this one, trust me 
HI Kristie, yes sure are in this together.
It seems so obvious that living a life coming from love is something worthwhile to pursue, is it not that we all crave for love and that without life is empty?
Yet I do agree with you it does NOT come naturally;
It does take a lot of practice and rigor and new explanations because to change I had to know what to change into that felt not like a lie but felt good inside me.
The funny thing is when love is present, fear goes, so that is another bonus.
Yes, I am so grateful that we are getting a chance to become the change we want to be, let’s go for it :0, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma – First, I have to say, I love the photo of your cat! She’s a beauty. And as for the moving part, oh my, I’ve moved so many times that I always tense up when people ask for help with that. Like my niece, who recently decided to have a moving party, and sent out invitations. That one I politely declined. I think it was probably easier for me as her aunt, but her parents were there. Although my brother later told me they finally let her know this is the last time, so they did say “no.” Since I don’t have kids of my own, I can only imagine the acceptance and courage it takes to say “no” to your kids and let go of the guilt and worry. You’ve told a beautiful story about how you did that, and I loved reading it. Hugs to you my friend!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays: The Experiment Edition
Hi Patty.
I love how pets can be great rolemodels regarding love and slowing down.
Yes, it does take courage to say ‘no’ and I love the word tough love and love does NOT mean being a doormat. Life has become a endless string of conditions and obligations and musts, so it takes practice to claim back the freedom to do what we want. It takes practice to learn to discern when to say ‘no’ IS an option without dire consequences.
Good on your brother to finally have enough and say so and good for you to show a ‘no’. As an aunt and sister you could and you did.
We need more aunts like you, XOX Wilma
Dear sweet Wilma, I just love you over and over again. I laughed out loud over parts of this. This line made me just burst out laughing: “Instead of a powerful creator securely operating from a strong heart-centered self, fear has turned me into a wimp.” It was the “wimp” part! LOLOL!! Oh Wilma, who of us hasn’t been reduced to “wimp-hood”.
And I so relate to many aspects of your honestly precious story. It’s what I love about you. You are SOOOOO open. Something I am learning as I get older is that LOVE is already whole. It is ALREADY what it IS. And it is only up to me to trust in it and its completeness, its unfailingness. And that my saying no to someone, even if I fumble it out of fear, is not going to stop Love, nor is it going to cause me to lose any Love.
I also am seeing a dynamic where I not only don’t “lose” people I love, but they oddly seem to honor me more or respect me more when I calmly state my truth or needs. And I also notice that they tend to grow more as well.
I imagine this must be doubly hard for a parent with their beloved children, especially if things have at one time been a bit rough or even estranged, which can happen in SO many families. It’s certainly not uncommon.
Love is an interesting thing. I was thinking the other day how, any choices we make out of fear of losing someone really don’t help ANYONE involved and I question whether we really give anybody anything if it comes from fear. And yet if we can stay in a place of Love, which usually means listening to and honoring our own hearts, even if we don’t give the other person what they “think” they want, we may STILL be giving them exactly what they need.
I’m not sure any of this makes sense as I only got about 4 hours sleep last night. But I just LOVE the honesty here. Good for you Wilma.
I have found that Love is about letting go and trusting that all will STILL remain in a place of Love EVEN if we listen to our hearts and say “no”, as opposed to doing what we think we should or doing things out of fear. It really is a great leap of faith and trust. I learned that listening to and acting from our hearts changes lives, saves lives. It may not appear so right away, but in doing this we leave ourselves and others with truth, with “what IS”.
You are a one of kind soul and I love you,
Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog ..What Does “Naked in Eden” Mean?
Oh Robin, that is such fun, just as I sat there humming and commenting on your site ‘”our place is my place”, we are right there at each other’s place, our blogs.
Talk about connected indeed . . . but it doesn’t surprise me anymore.
Yes, it is so true what you say, fear is never doing anybody any good of course and I do know now :0, wimpish behavior is never a good look.
You say it so beautifully here;
I also think that if we listen to our heart, we hear what our heart picks up from the other one and it will indeed know and then tell us what it is that they need exactly.
So, that always works far better and far more intelligently.
Again what you say here shows that the heart is the intelligent one and the heart knows no fear, does it?
Oh Robin, this is so precious, you here and I over there.
Lots of love to you, my loving friend, xox and a bear hug Wilma
PS How Amazing!! I just got done sending my comment off here and then went back to my site to approve any comments before I shutdown and have a hot bath. LOL! And YOUR comment had JUST come in. We were at each others sites at the same time. WHOA! That is amazing. SO connected. Hugging you dear dear Wilma.
Robin Easton´s last blog ..What Does “Naked in Eden” Mean?
YES, YES, this is too precious and too glorious and when I saw the comment coming in I knew it would be you. You go and have some sleep after your water treatment and dream wonderful dreams.
Hugging you back big time, XOX Wilma