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Wilma on setting boundaries will give us ‘enough’
Learning about enough has its rewards, an afternoon swim in the river.
I certainly touched on a hot topic with my post this week on ‘When is ‘enough’ enough‘.
Especially as we are all bloggers, all wanting to get to grips with this ‘insatiable beast’, the blogosphere.
Evita, Megan, Patty and Suzen all echoed Zeenat’s sentiments when she said;
I open my computer…and i seriously don’t know what to do first…check the blog..check the email..check facebook..twitter…then reading commenting…I know its never ever enough..cause i almost always reach my favorite friends posts last!
Suzen and Maryse talked of the need to find a balance; with Maryse saying:
it’s all a question of balance . . . . My body reminds me very quickly of what is enough. If I listen I stay in balance. If I don’t (and sometimes I choose not to) I get sick.
‘Balance’ is very like ‘enough’, something that ; “scientists have been unable to find it even with the most precise electron microscope”, as Chris pointed out.
We certainly recognize balance when we don’t have it.
I agree with Maryse that the body is a very good indicator of when we are ‘out of balance’.
But this is after the fact and if we are not listening, we get very sick before we get the message that something is out of balance.
So what is a proactive way of creating ‘enough’ or ‘balance’ in our lives?
Jannie had tried; “self-imposed 3x weekly MWF blogging schedule” only to find; “[it] was defeating my blogging happiness purpose. Schedules for me and blogging — yuck!”
I used to be just like Jannie, I hated schedules, routines and setting boundaries. I found them anal and controlling.
However having committed to a blog publishing schedule, it makes me deliver. But I am also learning to be careful with schedules and to make ones that serve me. I too had once a schedule of publishing too often and I quickly began to hate that one as well. Now my schedule suits me and good on Jannie to throw them out when they do NOT do you any good.
If I am going to deliver AND manage balance and ‘enough’ then I have had to do as Patty says and set boundaries;
I applaud you for getting to that heart-centered place when you open your computer; personally, I can only do that if I draw some strict boundary lines around it.
This is especially critical as the world, especially the cyberspace world is only singing the song of; ” more, more and more”.
We are not going to get any help with the ‘enough’ question from this world.
I observe that we are talking about two different types of boundaries.
The first are what I call ‘hard boundaries‘ like Jannie’s “blogging schedule” or Patty’s when she took a three day weekend and did not turn the computer on.
The other type of boundaries I call ’soft boundaries’ and are those boundaries like; listening to our hearts and doing as Zeenat does:
So i have set a blogging routine…ok the routine goes like this “heart priority wise”. ..only when i have the time to do it happily without 20,000 other things going through my head.
If i am not fully present in what i am doing…then what am i really doing in the first place??? I am just fooling myself…
So in simple words..I am letting my heart rule my blog…not social media or being the IN thing….
I am still not sure where the ENOUGH point is…..but I know when my heart just isn’t in it…that’s when i stop and do something else that my heart desires.
I for one notice how effective I use my time when I write with an engaged heart. When my heart is not in it, I am so much less effective.
I’m still learning the practice of setting soft boundaries.
I am so used to hard boundaries from when I was employed, while soft boundaries are still quite unfamiliar.
Turning off the computer when my heart is not in it to go for a walk or a swim can still feel strange and I do have to speak strongly to my Little Voice as it keeps harassing me with all its; “no it is NOT enough, you should not be going swimming at this time of day.”
There are still times that I have to watch my tendency to ‘listen to my inner boss who makes me sit from 9 to 5′, while I struggle NOT to regard John as slack and undisciplined when he goes off and plays after deciding HIS enough.
But funnily enough, all the ‘more‘ writing I do on those 9 to 5 days usually end up in the trash; talk about ineffective!
It is so useful for us to keep reminding each other of the wisdom of applying ‘less is more‘ and noticing when doing less actually does deliver more results.
Sadly, the world around us doesn’t appear to be championing ‘less is more’.
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21 Comments to “Wilma on setting boundaries will give us ‘enough’”
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An afternoon swim in the river looks so inviting!!! Wow.
I love our blogosphere–and like anything else I love I need to allow it to unfold to serve it’s purpose in my life. Some days that is minutes, some hours…just like sometimes one mini candy bit will suffice, sometimes a chocolate fountain:)
I enjoy this whole thread, and am so glad you are sharing/exploring as you do. I’ve definitely been thinking about my comfort zones in relation to my use of time.
Oh Joy, we indeed live in paradise. The sea is close but still requires a 10 minute drive.
The river is right here and delightful at this time of year. While the sea is quite warmish now, the river is at least no longer freezing.
Yes, it is great how you let unfold things and how you can determine the size of the portions.
THAT is what it means to be in the flow of life.
And well said, exploring our comfort zones in relation to our use of time is the way to go, to peace. xox Wilma
Wilma, this ’soft boundaries’ explanation is USEFUL, it creates freedom to be and it quiets down my demanding ego. I see that if I can actually apply soft boundaries to whatever I am doing then the ‘when is enough, enough?’ question becomes redundant in a way.
This enough question corners me, it is driven by domination and my Little Voice sees it as rhetorical, as it tells me to keep going with the task, berating me for even considering stopping.
Learning to check in with my heart, to ask it questions like, where are you at with this? or who am I BE-ing right now? does serve me better, however I am unpracticed at it.
Love does not know ‘enough’, love knows only abundance and freedom. It does not chain us to a computer or a blog or a relationship, for that matter. That I am learning.
Soft boundaries is heart talk; a term the heart can relate to, soft boundaries make us more effective as loving human beings, soft boundaries give us the space to really feel what we are doing and say stop or no play when it is no longer a win. And it is easier said than done, I am learning that too.
Wilma you live from a space of ‘less is more’ and I see firsthand how that serves your heart. You and John champion it and for that, I and many others are grateful. Much love Ann-Marie xxx
Ann-Marie, what I am learning is listening to myself and daring to make up my own mind regardless of what I think others might be thinking about me.
And of course listening to myself means NOT listening to my ego but listening beyond what the Little Voice is saying.
If it is fearful and nasty it is always the Little Voice speaking, if it is encouraging and loving it is my heart-centered self, the indigenous ME.
Easy really if I can get over my fear of not belonging and being ostrichized when I listen to myself.
Hi Wilma,
For me, I really like to use the word “harmony”. When things feel in harmony, it feels like I’m in that right spot. Of course, that doesn’t always happen. And I have noticed that with blogging, too. So, I “try” to do what feels right to me. Sometimes I get it. Sometimes…I don’t. I guess maybe that is all part of the journey, and discovering really what this all means to me.
And there really is a lot to the “less is more” idea. It really becomes quality over quantity. So – this is all really good to absorb…and really let it permeate “me” a bit deeper.
What does “less” really mean to me??? (a very personal question that only I can answer…)
Lance´s last blog ..Acceptance And A Pair of Tiny Black Underwear
Lance, you got it in one;
For so long we have looked at prescriptive solutions from experts how to live our lives. What should I choose for a career, when you wear this lable you are cool, when you eat these vitamines you will feel good etc, etc.
So we follow everyone who we deem to be successful while forgetting that they are NOT us.
What is less for them is still too much for us or what is fun for them is hard work for me.
Yes, we have to sit still enough to access who we are, so we are able to take responsibility to find solutions for what is a ‘personal’ issue.
And doing more is certainly not giving us the space to find out what enough is for me.
Cool comment from an in my eyes very busy but loving man, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma .. there are times when I can’t understand what’s been said and therefore logically I cannot post a comment. Some blogs I’ll move on from – some I need to leave for a few hours, for the day for a few days – til my head is straight … and I can engage properly and do due diligence to someone’s hard work.
I have to applaud everyone – because a great deal of the posts there to be read within this broad circle are extremely well written and thought provoking. I haven’t yet settled into a steady routine of both work, and expectation for myself – these are things that will come. I do love the interaction and learning we all have ..
Hilary´s last blog ..St Valentine’s Day, Tokens of Affection and Love Spoons
Hi Hilary.
You make a great point and I have noticed you saying this before; “and I can engage properly and do due diligence to someone’s hard work.”
THAT is what real connecting is about, listening and being present to what somebody says and it will show in your responses.
And these different level of engaging with each other happen as well as in physical life as here on the internet. However cyberspace is so new and it is such an opportunity to NOT get sucked in to the bad habits we see all around us in the physical world.
Adjusting one’s life takes time when you want do it well, so take your time Hilary as it is YOUR LIFE!
I do agree with you that the potential for learning is great and I too absolutely adore that. Hugs Wilma
Like AnnMarie, I found the “soft boundaries” explanation incredibly useful…and helpful…like the entire discussion because the distraction of all things that keep me plugged in, i.e. email, voicemail, comments awaiting moderation, other blogs, my blogs, and I just want to go find a white sandy beach and disconnect with a fruity umbrellie drink.
Seriously, who am I to really think, believe, and allow my ego to attach to, that I’d be letting down a few hundred people if I don’t post on a schedule? Or comment regularly? I spend a lot of time feeling obligated to a reader population that spends, on average, 2.47 minutes on one of my blogs. Yup. That’s it. 2.47 minutes.
I’m grateful to read there’s another way with soft boundaries. I’m not bound by a rigid, unmoveable schedule or a feeling of “I ought to do this.”
I swim in our blog community because it’s a fabulous place of learning, sharing, teaching, and fellowship.
I took the “less is more” approach to my post that’s scheduled for tomorrow. And I realize that the more I use this approach – quality over quantity – my life connected will become balanced.
Peggy´s last blog ..Becoming Unstuck
Hi Peggy.
I love the Structures Explanation. Every time it so clearly shows me how I organize my life and what is causing me grief.
So cool that you too get a lot out of it and get to see where you get stuck.
I wrote in my comment on your post that I feel like an elephant who stands there feeling restrained by that thin piece of rope around its leg; a piece of rope it can pull lose in a second without any effort.
Oh, the Little Voice, my piece of rope, has so much to answer for, it has taken on board such rubbish without me even knowing it. It is like living in a smelly town, when you live in it long enough you will not notice it any more.
However the smell is getting exposed and the ropes are losing their hold and thus we will finally learn what way of living suits us, free from false restrictions and limits.
Go Peggy, go, xox Wilma.
Hi Wilma,
Cheers for having us over last weekend. Very cool.
This topic of less is more is quite powerful yet simple. However, I do not find it easy by any stretch. We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded with everything new and better. It changes every week and then to make it more difficult, there are 20 options of new and better available on the shelf at any given point. More of what is fancy can sometimes make us feel like we have less of what is important. And such is the “Ongoing Treadmill of More.”
Here are my thoughts on it.
Firstly we need to get off the treadmill of more. Stop. Secondly, discuss with ourselves in all honestly what is fundamentally important to us. eg Love, laughter, joy, happiness. Thirdly, how do we go about achieving those things in our lives from the inside out? Fourth, do small actions that achieve big results by keeping it all intentional without distractions. Fifth, how do we achieve balance yet have these key areas given focus to consistently?
This is what I am going to investigate this week. Where do I have too much? The answer for me is EVERYWHERE. More practice for me.
Blair.
Hi Blair, it was great to have you and Janai over and to show you our Garden of Eden. I am still blown away with all that food myself.
Yes, getting off the treadmill of more is what is required and NOT letting yourself get seduced.
I too think intention is enormously important, what is my focus, what are my values, if left alone what do I want?
Balance is moderation, when the fear of not enough, of losing out, of competition is no longer in existence, the question of balance will disappear, I am sure of it.
And yes, I can well imagine that ‘where do I have too much’ will let you observe that that is everywhere. Think back to the Structures Explanation Blair and it will become clear where too much is causing your grief.
It did for me and it did that for others as well, always.
Well practice away Blair, it will make a difference, xox Wilma
PS. We just harvested more pears, apples and blackberries, courgettes and cucumbers. Nature just does abundance and ‘enough’ and ‘more’ and ‘less’ are not nature’s concern.
Hi Wilma .. did I tell you I booked a plane for tonight .. so I’ll be with you tomorrow – just want that glut of pears, apples, blackberries, courgettes and cucumbers to be enjoyed by this cold (actually it’s wonderfully sunny) English woman ..??!!! Sounds delicious – gardens are good .. and as you say Nature just does its thing – proliferates when times are good and knows there’ll be abundance and reserves for the future. Hope you’ve had a wonderful heart-felt day today ..
Hilary´s last blog ..St Valentine’s Day, Tokens of Affection and Love Spoons
Hahaha Hilary, I am waiting at the gate for you. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if life could be like that, we have enough for you and why not join us?
I am pleased you are getting some sun, and yes we had a great day yesterday. xox Wilma
Wilma,
Great topic. The scary part is the more successful we become the more blogging we have to do. That’s why big bloggers delegate and pay others to do some of these things.
I work hard and play hard. I took three days off this week…one to spend with me and two to spend with family.
This week I’m meeting my grandchildren in Chicago for their winter break. I won’t bring my laptop. I allow social networking to slide. Everyone needs to find their own way like Lance says, it’s a personal thing. I do know my ego says no matter how good your stats or how many readers you have it’s never enough. The ego always moves the mark once we reach it.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Living A Life Of No Regrets
Hey Tess, good on you to go and play AND daring to leave your laptop behind.
This is the key;
However there is not much around me that role models harmony or balance or ‘enough’ , so for me it is actually a new concept that I need to become aware of and I need to learn to implement.
And there is not much allowance for uniqueness in this uniform world, so even finding my own unique ‘enough’ is a challange.
However as you keep saying Tess, we are work in progress and as long as we have an intention to keep working on ourselves we will find our personal enough.
And have a great time with your family, xox Wilma
Hi Wilma,
When I first started blogging, I published 6 days a week and it was a lot of fun. It was a lot of work but I started to notice that if I wanted to go more in depth into a topic, I had no time.
So I changed my schedule and started to blog less. I began to notice that if I worked too hard to write a post, the post was not that good and I would end up deleting it.
I think when something comes from the heart, it just flows. The key is to be in that state of flow as often as possible. I do think a person can be able to access that flow at any time. As to how to do that, I think the more relaxed a person is the easier it will be.
A clenched fist leads to a clenched mind and no inspiration come through a clenched mind. Anything forced never works. And trying too hard never works either.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Accessing The Yoda That Lives Within You
Hi Nadia,
I love what you say here; “I do think a person can be able to access that flow at any time. As to how to do that, I think the more relaxed a person is the easier it will be.”
Being relaxed is the key as well, AND we are NOT relaxed.
At least I am noticing that I am NOT relaxed because of this inner slave driver, my Little Voice that indeed makes my mind murkier and murkier.
The need to become relaxed is huge, the call for stillness is huge as stillness will create relaxed states.
So our next step is to become free of our thought patterns voiced by the Little Voice and return to our heart-centered self.
I so agree about that working hard never works out, when will I learn
hugs Wilma
This is such an important question, and one that so many people struggle with. I am not a mom yet, but I hear about the multi-tasking super moms who drive with their knees and manage to do it all. Why does society put people who do too much on a pedestal and look down at those of us who say no to things?
One of the things that has helped me in terms of deciding what is enough is to be forgiving of myself. I listen to my own self-talk. When it is especially negative, especially about little things, I stop and sit still for a minute, forgive myself, and move on.
The other thing that has been so important is to keep moving towards my priorities. If I’m stuck spending time reading a blog I don’t enjoy just because it’s in my Google Reader list, I remove it. I categorized the blogs I read with a category for Favorites (where this blog sits!). When I open Google Reader, I start in this folder. If I don’t have time for the others, at least I know that I have done the ones that are most important to me.
If I spend the majority of my day doing things that are imoprtant to me, then I have had a successful day. If I spend it doing nothing that promotes or adheres to my values, then I know I need to do better the next day and I say no to those activities or tasks in the future. It is really hard to do and I think that the more of us who do it and support each other, the more society will see that those who “do it all” may be the least happy.
Daphne´s last blog ..Snow Day
Wow Daphne, you are sharing a lot here that makes a lot of sense. I congratulate you on NOT bowing to the pressure of looking super human.
I love how you question our admiration for doing more;
In the end the ‘why’ is no longer a valid question. I love that you ask yourself; is this important in my life?
You obviously have been able to see beyond appearances and got to see that it is not useful to act like this. THAT is sitting still enough to get to the wholesome ‘what is so’, you champ.
Your way of acting coming from your authentic values and intent is not what most of us have been taught by society so again I do have to congratulate you for figuring this out against what current society stands for and being able to act in your daily life so effectively.
You rock, and yes people will notice you being and doing differently and that is all you can ask.
Love Wilma