Well, with the worm compost toilet fixed I thought I was ready for the guests.
I had picked all the veggies and prepared all the food as much as I could. The beds were made and John had put up the tent for the twins to sleep in.
And then it was time for the troops to arrive. And arrive they did.
First three delightful and boisterous boys aged between two and nine tumbled out of the car and shot off in all directions, followed more calmly by their sister.
Behind the kids came their parents and immediately the house was filled with their presence.
Within seconds there was chaos, which is what you expect with live wire kids and two adults who are not present.
Part of the preparation to receive our guests was to mentally psyche myself up for the fact that I would be on duty the whole weekend and that I would be observing my ego, my Little Voice.
Thus I started out by cheerfully being love-in-action while watching out for my Little Voice.
I watered and fed everybody as well as trying to keep up with the adult conversations.
So far so good, but not for long.
Slowly but surely the commentary of the pesky Little Voice started and became louder AND more opinionated as time went on.
I observed that my ego found more and more nasties to say about everybody and everything and that it was doing its darnedest to align me with its version of reality; that I was being treated as a doormat.
I personally love paying children a lot of attention so of course I started off accommodating their wishes and seeing how I could make the weekend fun for them.
However when it appeared to my Little Voice that the adults were just sitting around and having a good time, while I was running around after their kids AND them, it started ‘meaning making’ galore.
One incident in particular provided my Little Voice with plenty to say.
Close to dinner time, I was asked where the glasses were and I expected I too would be poured a glass of wine. But no, only one glass appeared and only one glass got filled and it wasn’t for me.
My heart centered self feebly argued that that was okay. If I wanted a glass of wine, I could ask or I could get my own bottle couldn’t I? Not a big deal really.
But my ego didn’t want to have a bar of that. My Little Voice went for it and it was adamant that I bought its view on reality, which was filled with opinions and judgments about how rude our guest was.
I observed that from then on my Little Voice was on the look out for anything to support its view and my heart self got quieter and quieter during this onslaught.
The more demands I thought were being put on me, the more the ego talk of our guests prevailed, the more chance my Little Voice had to wear me down and tighten it’s grip on me.
And I observed how very good at fault finding my ego is, once it is on a roll;
“Oh, why should they get to sit down while I am doing all the work and why did John not notice I could do with some help.”
“Why do they allow their kids to tear around, if they were mine I would keep them in check”
I could see that I was getting closer to boiling point as each minute passed and although I still looked like love-in-action I certainly was no longer be-ing it.
I felt like a Jekyll and Hyde and I ended up fuming in helplessness.
What havoc the ego and its Little Voice created!
It sure shows that the reality which the ego creates, is limited, self oriented, opinionated and full of judgments.
WomenLikeMe shares this useful observation;
Your Little Voice has something to say about everything, it is always commenting, always judging, going for right or wrong and always expressing a thought in your head. This conversation happens automatically and usually you do not even notice how it is influencing your view of reality. The ego creates its own view of reality coming from its own self centered orientation.
Go to WomenLikeMe for more on ‘Learning from Our Experiences’.
The next day, after the guests had gone, I felt relief. Feeling rattled wasn’t my idea of fun and I so wanted my sanity back.
I was looking forward to debriefing the whole experience with John once we had the house back in order, ready for the next guests.
But while I was tidying up I felt myself slipping into a foul mood that grew darker and darker.
I could feel it rising and instead of being ready for a debrief, my Little Voice was ready for a fight with John of all people.
Although I could not stop the mood, I did observe it and recognized what Eckhart Tolle explains when he says; “the ego is NOT you. “
Thus our debrief started with me blaming John for anything and everything and if John’s ego would have been triggered too, we would have had a fight.
And that would have added insult to injury, a tough weekend followed by a tough aftermath, upsetting me even more!
That was what happened in my previous relationship and I so hated that.
However John’s ego did not bite and the wind was immediately blown out of my ego’s sail; our debrief could begin for real, defusing what my ego saw as reality and defusing all that it was judging as wrong and bad.
I have certainly learned that my ego can never see beyond its own ‘meaning making’ appearances and that my ego will never be able to unveil the wholesome ‘what is so’.