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Parallel versus aligned relationships and the difference it makes.
Oh man, to deal with this malfunctioning compost toilet, lovingly and manually is a miracle.
Learning to see a wholesome ‘what is so’ has been extremely valuable for Ann-Marie and me and from the comments, I can see that has been the case for some of you as well.
It sure showed up the flaws in my previous relationship and how unaligned we were.
We were just two egos marching alongside each other, seemingly together on the same path and going for the same outcome.
NOT.
‘What was so’ was that we had a parallel relationship.
While, we loved each other, it was conditional on behaving a certain way, on fitting into our respective perspective of what constitutes a ‘good’ partner and when that was not the case, we lost interest and started to complain about each other. In hindsight our conversations were repetitive, covering the same safe things over and over again and we preferred to talk about other people rather than exploring intimate topics such as ourselves, our dreams, sex, finance and child rearing. And the times we did venture there, we always got into trouble.
We experienced life as a series of problems and when there weren’t any, we made problems as egos tend to do.
I remember how we would have plans but we never seemed to get it together to make them happen.
And even when we managed to do things, it never flowed, we struggled with making decisions along the way, to accept set backs and what is more to enjoy the whole experience.
Actually life felt stressed, we always focused on problems and we complained a lot.
Once I learned to go for a wholesome ‘what is so’, and had discovered my own unproductive part, I also saw that we were a bad fit and that we would never be able to bring the best out in each other.
Calling the game as over and disbanding the team was a good move for everyone involved even if the egos did fight that point of view.
I am now experiencing a whole different ball game since I landed in an aligned relationship.
This week our worm composting toilet system is in breakdown and that is not fun!
When it works it is a wonderful system, but when it does not, you have a real problem on your hands.
You have to clean all the ‘you know what’ mess out manually and you can guess the nature of a job like that.
Things like this seem to come up at the most inconvenient time.
In the next few days we are going to have lots of visitors, 6 in total will be staying this weekend so our non-working toilet system needs to be sorted NOW even though we actually don’t have the time to do it!
John in particular is not looking forward to this task and given that we already have a lot of other things to do, it could have become a real problem between us if we had a parallel relationship rather than this aligned one.
In the old days I would obsess about problems while feeling I had to solve them all by myself.
My ego and I would panic, then moan and groan continuously and blame everybody and everything else.
My ego self would have blamed John for inviting all these people, I would have complained about stupid eco-systems and I also would have done John’s head in with my problem focused ways.
I would have wound him up and having contributed nothing, I would then expect him to sort it by himself. Then I’d spend the time panicking and grumping about how all this is inconveniencing me; all the time continuing to be a total drag. Nice, isn’t it?
But that is not happening now.
When we both realized ‘what is so’, we took a deep breath, sat down and looked at all the options on how to solve it.
I did not panic.
I no longer added to ‘John’s’ problems, instead my heart centered self focused on us solving the problem together in a way that is efficient, productive and without mental torture.
AND that is what I keep noticing more and more; this peaceful, harmonious and effective dealing with sh*tty problems that come our way.
I am thoroughly enjoying being in a relationship now.
I have learned to play team from a heart centered, aligned place rather than coming from a hierarchical, ego centered parallel way of being.
I have seen it over and over again how over the years John and I have achieved wonderful results, seemingly effortlessly.
We have done extensive renovations on the house and while in the past such projects would be stressful, with being aligned John and I achieved delightful results with amazing ease and grace.
We are working and living together and that too could be a recipe for disaster, but we only grow more and more aligned with each other and everything else we do as well.
We created a miraculous move to this beautiful place and we were eating our own veggies in no time and yes for the skeptical ones, we did create sh*t as well.
I still pinch myself sometimes, because I never really imagined doing so many things with so much ease, joy and grace.
How could I have seen what is possible when relationships so seldom evolve to this level?
How could I when according to WomenLikeMe ;
All we learn is to stay within the set boundaries of our roles and to strictly behave in a certain way that is based on a hierarchical model that results in disempowerment, control at all costs, competition, obeying and obliging and above all be fearful.
Aligned relationships on the other hand are described in WomenLikeMe as;
A heart centered team comes from love, flexibility, co-operation, integrity and joy and produces phenomenal results while not sweating it in the process.
Go to WomenLikeMe for more on Playing Team in Relationships.
Eckhart Tolle’s push in ‘A New Earth’ for awareness of the ego makes huge sense after seeing how destructive living life at the mercy of the ego is.
John and I have a genuine interest in each other and we do get to achieve agreements from a place of win/win, we talk about those intimate topics that used to give me grief.
I find that our conversations get better and better as the years go by.
We listen with a real intent to allow freedom of each others speech and an intention to connect to the other person’s heart.
We still do things separately, but we also do many things together and we choose each others company as much as possible.
I have learned that the acid test of a relationship shows up in the results.
As I said, as a heart centered team we do indeed achieve phenomenal results with velocity and ease and we sure make each other fly.
Life has become beautiful even when sh*t happens.
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41 Comments to “Parallel versus aligned relationships and the difference it makes.”
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Wilma,
Jeez you know how to bring things out into the open and give such an honest and fair account of ‘what is so’. I feel the mirror being held up to my face buddy. I see so much of what is currently going on in my life reflected in your words. And finally having the words and explanations to help me make sense of it all is such a huge relief. I no longer fumble around in confusion, worry and suppression to the extent that I have been.
As you know I am slap bang in the middle of seeing the ‘what is so’ in my marriage and as a result we have called a ‘time out’. I see that myself and Brent are not working together as a heart centered team and the denial of that has to stop. Our egos are in full attendance. No more am I willing to just tread water and remain in this survival mode as it is stifling and neither of us is shining as a result. NO more hiding out, NO more letting things slip, NO more sweeping it under the carpet.
There is tremendous love between us however it is not enough on its own to have us really fly in our relationship and life. Our love will however carry us through these challenging times where we are assessing and redefining our relationship. We will either ‘disband the team’ or create a marriage that is heart centered focused, which will be something new and exciting. So there is lots going on at present.
This is one the most confronting things I have done and I find that your courage Wilma, and that of the other women here supports me greatly. Thank You.
Love ya xxx
Oh Ann-Marie, I agree with Angelia about thrilling AND scary.
Oh Ann-Marie, you and Brent are courageous, daring to see what is going on and taking these scary steps to do something about it.
AND how wonderful to know what is possible when you stop being out-of-integrity, when you stop settling for; ‘this is all there is’, when you know that that is not ‘what is so’.
You shine, buddy, you and Brent AND Molly shall shine whatever the outcome, you are listening and being love-in-action even if the egos and the rest of the world cannot see it that way.
Oh Ann-Marie, there is a bigger game at stake, we need to break this cycle of parallel worlds, we need to learn to connect so we can stop being destructive.
My buddy, you go, and I, all of us here love you back heaps and lets keep each other going on this thrilling journey. xox Wilma
This is another great post on relationships. My best experience in a relationship has been with a man who, on the outside, looks like he “shouldn’t” fit me at all. On the inside, though, and at our heart centers, we are one in the same. He respects me, and I respect him. We support what the other person is all about, and genuinely want for each other’s happiness — no matter what that means.
I think that when two people are aligned, they bring out the best in each other without any of the unhealthy (ego-related?) attachment that’s often found in parallel relationships.
Well put, and a great read tonight!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Redefining Success
Hi Megan.
There is indeed no comparison, you really notice a difference when people are aligned.
You can spot it when you observe aligned and parallel couples.
What I am so pleased about is that I now know what is making the difference, so now I can have an aligned relationship.
But it is interesting to observe that there are not many aligned couples, hmm.
Interesting too that who we think we can stereotype a person you can be aligned with. What are we basing our idea on, what makes us think we know what person should fit you??? xox Wilma.
Wilma this is great, I am glad to continue to follow your series here on the ‘what is so’ and growing into quality relationships. It sure is a sacred, organic process – starting exactly where we are.
I was actually just thinking today how easy it would be to segregate myself sometimes from others who are still caught up in the parallel relationship mindset and yet that is still the ego at work, trying to label rather than work with opportunity and empowering others,.. from exactly where they are too. I certainly do not have it together. I think once I move forward though even a few steps, I tend to put my new stake down so that I don’t fall back into where I am. So for a time I might need a bit of space from that environment, for I find otherwise, it just kills the unhealthy conversation when you want “more”,..
I like how Ann-Marie talks about the “pause” being necessary. I love the “pause” and have used that lately more and it’s great because we each have that wonderful right to do that and this allows Spirit to help us align in this time, and then set a new rhythm and even continue the conversation as if it was a completely new and refreshed insight that both sides missed.
I love the part you shared here:
“We listen with a real intent to allow freedom of each others speech and an intention to connect to the other person’s heart.”
I had such an eyeopener today in that “listening” realm with a very sacred topic. I think it suits to share it here.. someone opened my eyes to this and it really was so right on! hard to swallow but true! I keep telling myself I’m learning to listen lately,.. and I’m learning compassion and gratitude, mind you it is slower than I’d like ,.. but I think the whole lesson of ‘oneness’ had to come to me first.. because it is easy to think [this is the lesson I learned from another] that I can be the voice to those who don’t have one, but really in believing such a truth as that I’ve missed out on my part to “first completely listen.” So I must believe that everyone has a voice. Even the people who are the most overlooked. Even if they are in dire circumstances and cannot speak, their silence IS saying something! what makes me think I can speak for them, I don’t know if this is off topic, but I think for me it totally relates to this in that ..,.. if I’m not “willing to truly open my heart, and listen to it uncut” then I’ve already turned away in ignorance. This isn’t oneness, at all. It is the ego once again believing it knows the problem, the solution etc,.. but really it doesn’t know anything. The roll of film is yet to be played,.. and well I will be the first to admit I’m afraid to watch it.
I’m a softy, I protect myself so much,.. but I have to keep myself open especially for successful relationships, and to really SEE ‘what is so’,.. I know when I do my heart will forever break, in a good way and the compassion lesson will come through, followed by gratitude.
you shared:
“As a heart centered team we do indeed achieve phenomenal results with velocity and ease and we sure make each other fly.”
I want to ‘add this value to others’,.. to really ‘hear’ where they are coming from first, before my next analysis. It really is about oneness, equality while building quality relationships. I keep reminding myself, we move forward together, whether we like it or not. The more we recognize in pushing others away or down or even us down, it stops what is natural. The ego wants to survive, but the Spirit just enjoys learning. So, I’m living this delicate balancing act.
luv Jenn
p.s. sorry for the novel, but hopefully this might bring up more reflections from yourself and others.. I am open to hear. this is naturally what flowed out of my heart tonight, so forgive me for not editing?
Jenn´s last blog ..LAUNCH and a fun Video Treat! Just Checking in Personally!
Hi Jenn. Wow!
You sure must have had a great experience about listening and you are so on the button to see the importance of really listening without judgment or your ego or little voice filtering what is being said.
This is a good one for showing that listening to oneself is important too;
Yes Jenn, the contexts, the conversations we are in sure make a difference, especially when you are on new, unfamiliar territory and there is nothing wrong with removing oneself from unhealthy ones and taking time out, pausing the listening to take stock is good too.
Being open doesn’t mean being open to heart break, it doesn’t mean to say that everybody can use you and it doesn’t mean to let yourself get hurt all the time either, this is a huge misunderstanding.
As Ann-Marie said to Lance, it is a skill to communicate openly. It is like in sport, you cannot do amazing things without solid training and knowing how to protect yourself from mishaps. If you want to do amazing things without good practice, yes you will get hurt.
Once you learn to listen, you also learn to see what is coming, a lot of hurt comes from ignorance and ego.
When you see ‘what is so’ coming from the heart, you will not judge others, you will see where they are at and you will be able to accept and forgive and that will always add value, to yourself first and then it ripples from there.
The ego is the trouble maker and loves to make everything wrong.
Jenn, there is a lot to learn, we are not skilled in compassionately connecting, so in our ignorance we make a mess of our interactions and then we get scared of others.
So keep learning, know we all are a work in progress and accept that. We all have a long way to go. Choose your role you want to play in all this carefully and with your heart.
Luv Wilma.
Wilma, thank you for your response.
You nailed a few spots for me again, thank you!
“we are not skilled in compassionately connecting, so in our ignorance we make a mess of our interactions and then we get scared of others.”
Sometimes I admit I do say the depth of my heart and then run. lol,.. I don’t know how it might be taken sometimes.. also it doesn’t help that the ego always likes to wonder and make you think you said something wrong, especially when you brought up “real conversation pieces.”
“choose your role you want to play in all this carefully and with your heart.”
I really like this and will let this resonate! thank-you!
The time to practice can either be seen as a drag or a beautiful organic process. I guess my struggles lately with the what is so, and aligning relationships is that you can’t make another align, and so it is tough. It’s hard to settle in the meantime for what is well, not so. lol … sometimes I am taken as being ‘too deep’ of a person for those who want the fluff. Does this make sense? but I am learning to not care so much about the perceptions,.. to remain true to my authentic self (which well is just now birthing through)
It’s sad that sometimes we have to forego certain conversations for a time, because we know that it will be taken out of context. I wish it wasn’t that way and we could have more transparent conversations with everyone –heart to heart — yes, I believe this is the compassionate connecting you are talking about. I wish for more of that this 2010 beginning in me.
In reality, I’m just so committed to learning, and being a more lovable being who is doing all she can to be presently here, and to welcome in others to this piece of heaven which is her home.
Hi Jenn.
What I appreciate is that you begin to observe how NOT capable most of us are to relate to each other in a way that benefits us.
We have NOT learned that as nobody knows how to do it!
Once you can see that ‘what is so’, at least you become aware of the depth of the issue and that a solution will take some time. You also can appreciate Eckhart Tolle’s exasperation when he exclaims that we are collectively insane.
We ARE insane in how we behave. So relax and know that there is a lot to learn and that not everybody is aware. That is also learning to accept ‘what is so’ and then you can learn how to deal with a context that is having conversations that are not serving you.
Jenn, it is complex but once you become aware and get these useful explanations to deal with one thing at the time, at least you learn how to handle the current in-congruences.
AND there will be lots of perturbations along the way as Ann-Marie and I know all to well.
But hang in there, and do not expect it to happen overnight, there is indeed heaps to learn. xox Wilma
Wilma, I was chuckling then laughing out loud over your sweet comment to me. Thank-you for livening this whole crazy intellectual process up so well!
I know what you mean when you shared at the beginning. We definitely need each other as we each have unique strengths and yet no one has arrived, nor is it about that. It’s so fun to PLAY it through once we finally get over the shock of letting go and doing it again and forever again. lol. I was laughing at the part about Eckhart Tolle cause I don’t remember him saying that. So, right on though. I remember one of his first TV series where he explained about taking personal responsibility and those who do well that’s that, and basically we now carry it for the world, and all those who don’t. lol –even he laughed at that too because it was a ‘what is so’ moment! Hmm.. stillness really does speak. I am trying to align more naturally and not push too hard to “get it as soon as I observe it” .,.. it is amazing though how when a theme comes up like “control” or another topic then I bump into just the right blog or teacher and once again my journey gets a boost and its so fun! not in that it is ‘without resistance’ but it is fun in that the more I catch the rhythm then its not meant to be so devastating. So, I think I’m learning to just be comfortable in myself wherever I am. It is starting to feel more beautiful and less sweat and tears over where I need to be. Thank you for being a part of this amazing process. luv Jenn
Jenn´s last blog ..Checking-In for Week 1: Honoring Your Self /Your Body’s Needs
Hi Wilma – that was an amazing read and I must come back and have a good root through and take on board all the points – as I definitely see me in there .. and parallel relationships apply to family (where I have my difficulties), friends and all people we connect to.
Also Jenn’s novel! (not) .. but her wise words about listening and hearing the feelings and emotions behind the words .. I’d add – hearing what’s actually being meant without being said – so often we taken things at face value, but if we consider behind the scenes – there is more.
Thanks – I’ll be back to re-read ..
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hilary´s last blog ..Turning a team of oxen – any idea how?
Hi Hilary, I am impressed with your talent to observe, that is a great asset as it all starts with observing to actually get an inkling of ‘what is so’.
I appreciate you see yourself in the post, as indeed any relating is either aligned or parallel.
We all have a heart and we all actually can relate to each other at that level IF we could stop the ego to override that innate ability to realy connect. And even when our heart hears, we have forgotten how to react to somebody’s heart speaking and also we do not dare ot let OUR heart speak without going through the filter of the ego.
We just do not know anymore and that skill is what we need to regain.
There is certainly a lot more behind the scenes, ours and other people’s and to unravel that and then to know what to do with what we unravel, requires skills we do not have.
Oh Hilary, however it is all promising, and much love to you, Wilma
Hi Wilma and Ann-Marie,
Good for you being in a wonderful relationships that is aligned.
In my experience, what is essential in having a relationship that is rooted in the concept of allowing each other to shine without any drama is that each person has to function as a whole. The minute one person gives up personal responsibility and hands it to the other, that is when the relationship loses balance.
A fully aligned relationship is when you have two fully complete people working together. The minute one person thinks that the other person completes them, then trouble begins. I have seen so many women give up so much of their sense of self the minute they get married and I think that is a mistake.
Each person brings to the table what they are good at and they have to remain true to who they are. I have seen women try to change their husbands once they got married and those relationships are a mess. I have seen men do that to their wives too.
A person has to evolve at their own rate and unconditional love allows that person to evolve in their own time. Love supports and nurtures, it does not tear down.
A full aligned relationship is when two people help each other to be the best version of themselves. I want my husband to shine and when he shines, I am just so happy for him. He feels the same way for me too. We are both secure in who we are and once you are secure in who you are, then it is easy to let others shine.
Two insecure people will just create an insecure relationship. Like attracts like so an aligned relationship is rooted in mutual love and respect.
Love and hugs to you both!
Hi Nadia,
You are spot on in how your aligned relationship makes you and Jacob shine AND that of course in the end applies to the whole of humanity. Everybody is geared to make everybody shine BUT it is obviously that that is not happening.
Not at home, not in education and not at work. We are egos that are competing, controlling and we are threatening each other and nurturing each other’s fears.
And that is ‘what is so’ and once we really get to see the extent of the issue, we can work on a solution.
And you know what Nadia, although I am getting a sense of this alignment, I am soooo trained in ego based behavior that my ego need consistent observation and supervision. I look at it as having diabetes, I always will have to check my ego level and administer mental and heart insulin.
Love and hugs to you back.
Hi Wilma,
Just like no person is perfect, I also think no relationship is perfect. Even though we allow each other to shine, we have had our share of critics of our marriage. For example, many of my relatives think my marriage is horrible because we do not earn six figures and do not own a home. We rent an apartment and to them that is a disgrace. We have had a lot of junk thrown our way because we based our relationship on helping each other grow as opposed to a financial transaction.
When we were first married, we had so much stuff to handle due to all the criticism of how we choose to live and especially when we went to live in India for six months. Those were hard times due to all the negativity that was directed at us but we worked through it because we realized that the criticism was more a reflection of my relatives than of us.
So no worries, we are all works in progress.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Reflections on Past Choices
Wilma,
I think the answer is exactly as you said..the key is heart centered. That is the only way to alignment. My marriage with my exhusband was one of parallel relationships–it is what my parents modeled to me, and I was most familiar with. There was little joy, and it was exhausting for us both. Being in alignment with your love– amazing, beautiful, almost effortless. Open your heart and it is all right there. I love the comments as well–I definitely am ready to experience what you all have:) I had to do the work to know myself, grow myself, and be ready to bring a whole, healthy joyful self to a relationship. The exact point I am currently at.
Joy´s last blog ..Hope….
Joy, what has really hit home to me during these years of reflection, observation, finding explanations that resonated with my heart AND mind, is that we are soooo unskilled to live in a heart centered way. It is uncanny how badly prepared we are for that type of relationships.
Opening up will not hurt us, at least when we have learned all the other skills that come with that. I think you cannot open up willy nilly without those skills and I think it is good that most of us are scared and cautious to do that, because we would get hurt big time, like jumping off a cliff without knowing how to fly.
But as I said before, once we are trained in it, once we know what is required, once we know how to do love-in-action without becoming a door mat for example, the chances of getting hurt are getting a lot smaller and opening up is then experienced as a wholesome experience regardless of how it will evolve.
Joy, I know you are preparing yourself, I know you realized that you have to become ready, so go Joy go and also know that you have to keep observing as I do.
So let’s experience it together, I am excited, hugs and peace, Wilma
Hi Wilma – What a beautiful story you tell, the transition from one relationship to another and all that you’ve learned in the process. It comes at the perfect time for me, since today I started working with my first couple in relationship coaching. Your story and my experience today reminds me how carefully we must tend the gardens of our relationships and get clarity not only on a joint level, but an individual one as well. Thanks for that! And what garden doesn’t grow without a little manure spread on it???
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays: The Mask Edition
Oh, it has been really empowering to have been able to get explanations about what has happened. I could have stayed stuck in guilt and feelings of failure and what is worse I might have caused the same mess over and over again as I have seen happening around me.
Observing and becoming aware once you know what there is to observe has been wonderful indeed. Yes, everything starts with oneself, with base camp, and when that is strong we can venture into relationships. If only I had known earlier, but better late than never.
And LOL Patty, yes manure is good, mind you only when at the right time and in the right place!
Wilma,
I believe Roger and I worked on our ego stuff when we first entered therapy when I was in my mid twenties. We also joined A Course In Miracles group and of course read Return to Love by M. Williamson. Once we had the tools there was no stopping us.
To this day we still go to ACIM meetings and resolve to get our egos out of the way anytime we fall into an old rut. I remember the feeling when we knew our marriage was going to be forever.
I was blessed to have a partner that was willing to grow with me and continues to do so to this day. I tell him all the time, “God sent you to me!”
Tess, that sure has been the best move I have ever seen a young couple make and you deserve every happy moment together. I notice I have to do my best not to be jealous and to make myself wrong for not having made such a clever move when I was young and married at 21.
Because clever it was . . . however I am learning NOW and I agree with you, learning is needed to get that ego out of the way. I cannot belief how destructive this built in ego is and I take such a delight in seeing young people like Ann-Marie and everybody else on this blog committing themselves to learn like you and Roger did.
And hmm, it is interesting that Roger was willing, however you sure are using your GOD given gift by shining so brightly and showing us how relationships can be done.
Alignment shows in the results and yours are impressive.
So BF, rock on, Wilma xox
Hi Wilma,
This is another lovely post. It is wonderful how you wove the topic of sh*t so cleverly through your story! You brought a smile to my face!
On a more serious note, I think your point about finding that place where you can have an aligned relationship vs. a parallel relationship is so important. I think your point about realizing that some relationships just aren’t going to get there is an important realization, too. Sometimes it just isn’t worth it to keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
My husband and I have worked very hard at cultivating an aligned relationship. Together, we are stronger. Sometimes I get frustrated because I notice my ego creeping in again. I know better and usually cut it off, but it causes me grief regardless. Oh how I would love to experience an abiding awakening and never struggle with ego again!
I think the way you look back and make these assessments and comparisons between your marriage to John and your previous one is really healthy. It is so wonderful that you are noting your progress and appreciating the harmony you both are creating in your lives. Good luck with the compost toilet, and have a blast with your guests! xoxo, Jodi
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..2009 Highlight Reel
Hi Jodi, yes the toilet breakdown was real and an opportunity not to be missed
I am so grateful to have the words to explain what has and is happening, otherwise I would always have been left with so many questions why one marriage goes wrong and the other one works. It is also great to be able to be clear when there are children involved, that helps also to diffuse guilt and their upsets about things.
Great that you like Tess, know that working on relationship pays off.
And yes, the ego is incredibly dominant, Eckhart Tolle has a lot of reasons to write books about it.
The toilet is all fixed and about the guests; they and my ego will feature in next week’s post.
Lots of love, Wilma
Oh my dear sweet Wilma, I am still laughing!! This is delightful, gutsy, honest, tell it like it is LIFE!! I just love you. I REALLY LOVE YOUI have missed being here soooooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH. More than you probably know. Do you know that you and John are with me EVERY day. it’s like I’ve already met you both.
This article is kick *ss. I so relate to it in terms of who I was in relationship years ago and who I am in relationship now. It’s weird how when we go into relationship we automatically fall asleep and expect the other person, and life, and the world around to us all fall magically into OUR — usually unrealistic — vision of what love and relationship is all about. And we think that we can just sit back and everything will be perfect, and SHOULD be perfect and then we wonder why it isn’t. LOL!!
We behave like little babies when you think about it. Babies shouldn’t have to ask their mother what they need or want, because babies can’t talk. The mother is just supposed to know their every mood and need. It’s very real for a baby to be in that place. But so many adults STAY in that baby place and never learn to communicate and express their feelings and needs and take responsibility for their lives. Interesting isn’t it?
I am so blessed to be in a relationship the last 12 years that is real, honest and a dynamic team. We talk with each other, not “AT” each other. We treat each other in all interactions as if we were meeting for the first time…AND YET, we have this deep deep history together. We raise the tough topics and questions. We don’t look at each other as if we “OWN” the other person and they are here on this planet just for US. We look at each other as totally separate unique individuals who have their own SOUL purpose independent of us…AND YET because of this we respect each other and are closer than ever. We honor each other. And when the “sh*t hits the fan” so to speak — by that I mean, something goes wrong like your composting toilet incident — we stop and talk it out and make choices TOGETHER! And we face it as a team and decide how to deal with it…and we each express our bottom line feeling…like fatigue, fear, sadness, frustration, whatever it is. But we don’t blame, accuse, shame or punish the other person or ourselves. We genuinely want each other to be happy, and treated with compassion, honesty and love.
My whole book project has taken all my time and intense focus and work. I’ve been going from dawn till late night the last couple of weeks (7 days a week) and my sweetheart has been helping me and we are both exhausted…AND YET we are strong and KIND and our solid bond allows the sh*t to hit the fan (all the work, the plumbing broke, the toilet leaked water everywhere, etc….and yet we stay close and do not let the external storms of daily life and the world rip us from our moorings.
I am so glad to know that you guys are human too. I just feel like I could pour my heart out here. But I will stop here and just tell you how much I have missed you. I mean REALLY missed you. I am sending from my heart to yours and John’s so much love. Thank you both for being SO REAL. I feel like you both are another anchor in my life. Love, Robin
Please forgive if some of this is not clear…I’ve not had much sleep lately. Am off to bed. Hugging you both. LOVE,Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Will Humans Survive?
Hi Robin, oh how busy you have been and great to have your addition to all this sh*t.
This is good; But we don’t look at each other as if we “OWN” the other person and they are here on this planet just for US. We look at each other as totally separate unique individuals who have their own SOUL purpose independent of us . . .
Yes, and tell that the advertisers, will you Robin, pretty please.
This I love; We behave like little babies when you think about it. Babies shouldn’t have to ask their mother . . .because babies can’t talk. .It’s very real for a baby to be in that place. But so many adults STAY in that baby place and never learn to communicate . . . Interesting isn’t it?
It sure is, it sure is and thus we stumble along and never the twain shall meet.
Oh Robin, to weather the storms when you are accomplishing so much, it sure shows in the results if you are aligned or not.
You take care, my wonderful muse and I cannot wait to get your book with you jumping from every page right into my house.
Now that will be the day and I am sure it will happen in reality too, lots of love to you both, hard workers, xox Wilma
PS LOLOLOLOLOL!!! I just saw my comment come up and it is soooooooo long. I am laughing my face off. I am so sorry that I took up so much room. But then, I’ve been away for awhile. I had to catch you up. Love. R
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Will Humans Survive?
Robin, you never overstay your welcome
xoxo
Hi Wilma! Love the post – also the mention of Eckhart Tolle. I was in a book club that went thru that book 3 times! And I watched the classes on Oprah. It was live changing. The best blessing of all was that my husband reacted to the changes he saw and wanted to read it too! We did the book and classes together – had discussions, of course, all the way thru. After almost thirty years of marriage, we worked out kinks and issues we had had from the get go! It’s a beautiful thing!
As for ego, we all have one. I don’t fight mine anymore but my awareness level of it really has diluted it to a non-issue. When I feel icky about anything – words said or my reaction to a situation – if I get upset in the least it is always my ego causing it. As soon as I address that – say to my ego, well, its you again eh? Thanks for showing up and now go away – it does!!!! And so does being upset or feeling icky.
Awareness – its another beautiful thing!
suzen´s last blog ..The Magic of Giving – Healing 101
Hi SuZen, yes at least I start to see how easy it is to recognize the ego.
Anything negative, yukky or unpleasant and you can be sure it is the ego putting its ten cents worth into the mix.
Also it is good that it can be like a Terrier with a bone when it smells a fight but that it lets go when you call its bluff.
Good on you to have an ego spotting marriage and yes it is a beautiful thing.
Well, now you sure can look forward to the next 30 years, I suppose. xxo Wilma
Wow, you described my relationship with my ex husband to a tee. We were literally just moving in the same direction but with absolutely no connection. I can’t wait until I do connect with someone on the kind of level you talk about. I know it’s there.
Jen´s last blog ..What The Hell Was I Thinking
Hi Jen, welcome and yes I can believe how you recognize your own relationship in mine.
The main thing is that I am able to pinpoint what happened, what role I played and that is so freeing as I know I will not repeat the same mistake again, phew.
I also know that I will not settle for less and that I can build up a great relationship with what I now know. THAT is where my power now lies and I hope you have yours, Jen. So keep going for it, love Wilma
Hi Wilma — I love your wisdom and sense of humor, and I can’t wait until you start doing Women Like Me workshops in the US — if it’s a women only thing, maybe I can take out the trash? (I’ve done it for other workshops although they’ve been mixed groups.)
Dear Chris you are a DELIGHTFUL HOOT!!! I laughed out loud over your comment to Wilma. Just priceless. Will be by soon to see what you are up to. Running waaaaay behind.
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Will Humans Survive?
Hi Chris, I am with Robin on this one, what a hoot indeed. Well it is always handy to have men around when dealing with sh*t and trash, so who knows we could tolerate you
that’s a nice concept, thanks for sharing it wilma
It is more than nice, it is a powerful concept Farouk and you are welcome.
Hello my dear friends! As usual, I feel like I’ve arrived a bit late to the discussion, but here I am…better now than never
Wilma – I truly think we were both in the same old past relationship!
That said, I do believe I learned a lifetime or two of lessons…it took me a long time (or what seems like a long time…nineteen years!) to get the important stuff. Like not living my life based on someone else’s expectations. I think in my first marriage I was too busy trying to be and do all…I lived in my bubble and my ex-husband lived in his bubble. In the early years of our marriage, our bubbles joined forces, but eventually, our bubbles took separate but parallel paths. We seemed to be going in the same direction…in fact, so many of our friends said we had the “perfect marriage.” Truth is, as each year passed, the gap between our paths grew larger and larger until one day he told me that he could no longer see an “us” after our daughters left the nest. I worked so hard at creating a life that never really existed except in my head.
After our divorce, I had to scuttle nearly everything and start from scratch. In fact, there was a lot I had to learn about ME. What did I like? Not like? How did I really like my eggs? Scrambled? Poached? Over easy? I discovered that it was ok to say “No,” and I learned that I’d never please everyone all the time. I decidedly became a recovering people pleaser and care-taker.
By the time Richard found me, I was closer to the real me than I had been in a very long time. In fact, my father told me that I more closely resembled the happy sixteen year old he remembered. Not only do I enjoy an aligned relationship with the love of my life, but my family relationships are more aligned, more heart centered, and I’m more focused on being really *there* for those I love.
Hello, hello, our traveler friend, welcome back from Dublin. AM is so excited you went to her home town. I am dying to go and read your post on Ireland but we have an unexpected guest who needs attention and a daughter who wants to talk so I am caught. However tomorrow is another day.
Back to your comment, yes, there will be a lot of us having done what we have done.
AND I thought I was so clever, OMG. I too knew diddly squat about ME, all I knew was how to look good by doing everything but what I wanted.
I love your idea about a recovering people pleaser because you are not far off the money, I too was addicted to my role, at least my ego was and that was firmly in control. Talk about inauthentic!
Oh Peggy, I too am so pleased to become who I AM, and it must make us so much more effective and easier to love I am sure. Nobody can love a shadow, a puppet, a make belief.
I know you are more aligned, it shows in the results you are sharing and THAT my friend is your doing and you courageously taking the bull/the ego by the horns and going for seeing the wholesome ‘what is so’.
You rock and you deserve everything you now have and more.
xox Wilma.
“A heart centered team comes from love, flexibility, co-operation, integrity and joy and produces phenomenal results while not sweating it in the process. ”
I love, love, love this quote! So honestly simple and straightforward and true.
This was a great day to read this post. My ego has definitely made a messy hole, much like your problem. I haven’t relaxed to “what is so”. I let it ramp up my anxiety for NO reason. Well, I am flushing that stuff down the toilet. (hopefully) One that works.
I hope you got all cleaned up in time for guests and it was a wondeful visit.
As always,
xoxoxox
Angelia
Oh Angelia, I too love the possibility of being with others in this way and it is possible if we can get an handle on that darn ego. And you are such a wonderful, wonderful person with such wonderful, wonderful people, children and dogs around you, to have ego talk destroy your peace.
Yes, the toilet is all fixed and let’s flush it all down and as you know the weekend was fun (in hindsight) as I really got to see what happened and I learned so much.
AND I actually love visitors, I do expect you all to come and visit one day AND have fun.
Big hug to you, Wilma
Thanks Wilma,
I recently completed a short course in Psychosynthesis – and one of the key learnings for me was the idea that when you have a problem/issue/task that a key step is to ‘let it be’ to hold a point of tension between yourself and the issue – to create the space as it were – and to let the solution to the problem to manifest itself. I guess that this is along similar lines to what you are talking about here – so thanks for sharing your story.
Graham
PS I did feel sorry for John having to sort out the problem!
Hi Graham, good on you to attend a course you enjoyed. Yes, keeping a problem in existence is something we are very good at, however manifesting a solution is of course the way to go but we are not that skilled in going there, are we?
Love Wilma
PS; well if you live off the land and in nature cleaning up your own garbage is part of the deal. And he had a great support team on the side line cheering him on :~)