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‘What is so’ in relationships.
What is so? Who is trusting whom?
In last week’s posts I wrote how once Ann-Marie accepted ‘what was so’ with her two year old daughter Molly not sleeping on Monday afternoon, she had access to thinking and doing things differently.
There is more to this ‘accepting’ business than just accepting how things appear in the first instance.
There is a vast difference between first ‘appearances’ coming from a very limited perspective and ‘what is so’ coming from a more whole and connected place, especially when it comes to relationships.
When we think or talk about our relationships, we describe them in a certain way, we describe them as they appear to us through our so called colored glasses. How our relationships ‘appear’ to us is of course often not the ‘what is so’ for the other party when you come from a wholeness point of view.
Accepting how things appear is not going to give us access to thinking and doing things differently; all THAT is doing is giving us more of the same or resignation.
The greater level of ‘acceptance’ is not a case of accepting appearances, but going to a place of wholeness about ‘what is so’.
Ann-Marie and I learned from this experience that wholesome acceptance needs to be preceded by finding out what is the ‘what is so’ to accept in the first place.
And finding ‘what is so’ is a skill that we rarely think to develop, especially when it comes to seeing what is going on in our relationships.
Our lack of skill has us easily miss ‘what is so’ and have us miss the starting point which will allow us to think and do things differently, that will allow us to develop heart centered team play that has us fly in relationships.
I now realize that in my former marriage I never set out to find out the wholesome ‘what is so’.
Even with my psychology training, I accepted appearances and thought that was it.
I settled for vague feelings of unhappiness as I thought that that was all relationships had to offer. I had a difficult husband thus I would have to put up with a difficult marriage.
I was young and I already felt resentful, resigned, misunderstood, angry and alone and I was never able to develop any consistent team work between my husband and I.
It was not until I had done several self development courses, in particular one at Landmark Education that the penny dropped about the ‘what is so’ that went deeper than appearances.
As a result of a rigorous inquiry, as a result of learning how to peel away the layers, I finally saw that although I always thought and accepted that I would always be the giving, the most easy going one and that I would always be the martyr in my marriage, it was not like that at all.
‘What was so’ was that I charmingly but relentlessly was hard out competing for attention as well and that I was just as disempowering to my husband as he was to me.
I appeared saintly and competent when in fact I acted just as badly and egoistically as my difficult husband.
Oh gheez, I still can feel the shock when that realization hit me.
I was so stunned and shocked; YOU SURE KNOW WHEN YOU HIT THE ‘WHAT IS SO’ THAT REALLY COUNTS, believe you me.
It was NOT my mind that saw it, that ‘what is so’ went straight to my heart and my heart screamed in pain, horror, disbelief AND relief.
From early on in our relationship I had done my utmost to upstage and outperform my husband, to make sure that people noticed me as the capable and wise one.
My so called love was actually based on disdain and all I loved was that his incompetence and his insecurity allowed me to shine in his presence.
Oh the pain I felt and oh the joy that welled up in me as well.
The pain was because of my own betrayal, how could I?
I felt joy because I finally could see and accept my own role, which gave me the power to find a workable solution and do something about it, do something different and stop this struggle for both of us.
Oh, how invisible the ’what is so’ is in relationships. Alone I would never have found it.
I would have never seen that most of us are conditioned to do relationships coming from that invisible place of control, competition, fear and disempowerment.
As that is the environment we all swim in so to speak, I had no sense of how I automatically related to others like that and how that automatically created a certain ‘what is so’.
Having my heart recognize a wholesome ‘what is so’ with my behavior, my heart then powerfully could override my mind and I was able to accept the role I was playing and finally change it.
As a result I have not repeated this mistake in my relationship with John.
As a result I can see ‘what is so’ when my conditioning to disempower others, to go for looking good, to go for control at all cost, to compete and want things to go on forever kicks in.
I am now able to go for doing things differently after accepting what was going on and after letting go of the shame, the guilt and the pain of what could have been if only I had known.
But the joy I feel, now that I am developing this skill to distinguish the ‘what is so’, is immense.
I know that by rigorously applying myself to discern what there is to accept, I can do things differently to be the change I want to see.
In WomenLikeMe it says;
While our heart knows how to play together, we have learned the hierarchical way of control and obey, driven by fear.
It is invisible that this way produces limited relationships and resolves few problems.
On the other hand it is perfectly possible to have extraordinary relationships which produces phenomenal results joyfully.
(WomenLikeMe on Playing Team in Relationships)
Hmmm.
I thank God that I have been made aware of my tendency to make others look incompetent so I can shine.
I am also thankful that I have learned to forgive, to forgive myself and to forgive others.
I am accepting that I often come from fear and I am learning more and more to come from love and peace instead.
I no longer feel the need to compete for attention and to be the best, I am very happy to cooperate and have the focus away from my performance towards a bigger ‘for the sake of what’.
I no longer disempower others, all I desire is to bring the best out in all of us and encourage integrity and taking ownership.
Knowing this and acting accordingly is making a huge difference in what John and I are achieving. I trust him and give him credit for what he knows and does and thus we cooperate using each others resources to the full.
I am also sure that I could not have shared this blog with Ann-Marie in my old competing days.
As we all keep finding out, discerning the often invisible, wholesome ‘what is so’ in relationships is more difficult than one at first might think. It is a classic case of having lipstick on your teeth.
It is there but you do not know it until the context tells you, until somebody around you is courageous, committed, aligned and wise enough to share what they see and you are prepared to listen.
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43 Comments to “‘What is so’ in relationships.”
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Hi Wilma,
So much comes to mind from reading this post. First of all, I commend you for being very open about your journey with your first husband and for sharing all that happened.
When I was a kid, my mother and her friends would sit down and just make fun of their husbands. There was this constant banter about whose husband was an idiot and they would just try to make themselves seem superior. It was always weird to watch because I just would wonder why the hell did they get married if all they do is complain about their spouse.
As I got older, I began to become suspicious of what marriage was supposed to be like. It always seemed to be more of a business transaction as opposed to two souls coming together to grow.
When I was in my late twenties, I began to ponder what did I want my marriage (if I even got married) to look like. All my friends had guidelines in terms of money, status, age, and so. That just seemed strange to me.
Then one day I read an interview with Goldie Hawn about her relationship with her partner. She is five years older and each one gives the other the freedom to be who they are and there is a lot of mutual emotional support. I loved how that sounded.
As life would have it, I ended up marrying someone who is five years younger than me. He is not as educated as me and many people think we are a strange match since our past resumes do not match. I understand that from the outside it may appear to be an odd match but it just works beautifully.
He allows me to shine and I allow him to do the same. We help each other grow and we give each other the freedom to be ourselves. Of course, we do have our moments when we butt heads but we always work things out even if it means staying up till dawn.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Taking Inventory
Hi Nadia
Isn’t it interesting that our journeys, so different yet so similar ended up in the same place;
For me it too all started with an awareness that I have to be a lot more vigilant with observing and processing what is going on.
Indeed; I too would wonder why the hell did they get married if all they do is complain about their spouse.
We all should wonder a lot more about what is happening in front of our eyes.
Oh the outside appearances;
How we hang on to stereotypes and appearances; they are just packaging and never the real article.
I applaud you for ‘hearing’ Goldie Hawn and then being open to recognize the soul of your husband regardless of his ‘resume’.
It takes steadfastness to keep observing and daring to go beyond appearances as most of the world does NOT want to look deeper. THAT has consequences, when I looked deeper it did shock me big time and I needed support of people who egged me on to go on looking. Most of my friends at that time wanted to dull my realization down, to close the lid again and settle for what I settled for before.
But once the rot was exposed, I had to deal with it, knowing there was no other way.
It had consequences, big ones, but they too can be overcome.
It seems when you are on an inner path that touches daily living, daily living becomes sacred and becomes a path to the divine source.
And I am very very grateful that you and I had a chance to observe so keenly what was going on and that we had the courage to face it.
It is no fun to be in the thick of it, it totally pulls the carpet from under your feet, it left me disorientated and totally stunned and the ego got the biggest bruising ever. However once going the whole hog, once stopping the pretending, only then the path to living authentically and fully is opened in front of us. Only then can we find and see the wholesome ‘what is so’.
Nadia, your sharing is a gem, big hug, xox Wilma.
Nadia,
Your description of marriage as two souls coming together to grow is beautiful.
At present I’m seeing that there are very few heart centered marriages around us, so few role models that couples almost set themselves up to have ‘business transaction’ type marriages. There are so many distorted views of what a loving relationship is, it’s everywhere – our families, society, books and that darn TV!
Your story about your mother rang home for me; I’ve been witness to these conversations and indeed played my part in them aswell. It’s a case of who has the ‘worst’ partner wins and that sucks!
It seems so crazy to me – spouse mud slinging all in the name of love!!
I now clearly see the ‘what is so’ here.
Very few people are willing to scratch beneath the surface to find out what playing team in a relationship really means; to have the other person fly, to bring out the very best in them and to sponsor them to have the most fantastic time ever.
You and Jacob are a shining example of heart centered team and I too love that you said “from the outside it may appear to be an odd match but it just works beautifully”.
You are never one to buy into stereotyping; instead you follow your heart.
You have given us such valuable insight here Nadia and I thank you for it.
Much love to you and Jacob.
Hi WAM! Wilma that was one of the best posts I’ve ever read. So often we think we are “grown up and married” well, gee, we ARE grown up so we MUST have it all together right? Not so much! We may be older than teenagers then but I don’t think we have anything figured out – except how to shine, as you pointed out. I love how you shared that! It is wonderful to learn and grow and evolve – indeed I’m really glad I’m not behaving as I did a few decades ago. I’ve always felt being a certain age doesn’t really mean diddly about what you supposedly know! It’s not the actual age that brings the wisdom – tho I would have happily switched that on years ago, were it possible!!
Adding years to our lives really is no reason for birthday parties. I think we should celebrate awareness stages – you already are by thanking God for more vision and knowing. Have one NOW, Wilma!!! Have a grateful for this stage party! How much more meaningful it is to celebrate a good chunk of wisdom, rather than something as mundane and ordinary as having a birthday. What kind of cake do you want? I’m a good cake baker!
Oh SuZen, the arrogance of youth, I was 21 and I thought I could save everyone, overlooking myself of course.
Yes,
Well that switching on started late for me and has taken years and years, in fact I am still switching things on.
Oh how our innate intelligence is getting dimmed when we are growing up, we are learning such unserving ways to look at life, I can see it when I observe how children are being treated and how I automatically treat others and Nadia saw it from observing her world.
Now it is a matter of learning to trust my own inner guidance to select the things I want to learn.
That is already a job in itself, discerning what to trust because I am scared to be fooled again.
However I trust what you say here;
I am in, I eat gluten free so how about baking a cake from potatoes that tastes like ordinary lemon cake made from flour? I hate baking so I am taking you up on your offer quick smart.
SuZen, I love you big time, you can come and party whenever you desire, I trust you in that, xox Wilma.
Wilma this wholeness of ‘what is so’ has really thrown me and I am unsettled by it. As I go deeper into the inquiry, to get to the ‘what is so’ in all my relationships all sorts of things are coming up for me. I can see how I set myself up to not have heart centered teams show up, I can see how my automatic reactive way of being adds tremendously to this; control, manipulation, competitiveness and so on.
It is a totally new experience for me, to look honestly at ‘what is so’, from the heart.
I know that I am exploring the area of ‘what is so that really counts”, because I can feel it and my body is reacting in all sorts of ways. I too, like you, feel relief and massive perturbation all at once.
The ego is slowly being stripped away one layer at a time.
And I realize that this is it, THIS is what life is about; these conversations that bring up feelings, these self discoveries that rock the boat and let me feel the impact they have.
Now I have to accept them for what they are and know that I am finally experiencing that when I let my heart run the show, life becomes one incredible journey.
I can tell you that currently I am having my very own rollercoaster ride here, no need to go to Disneyland for the trepidation and the thrills, it is right here for me.
Thank you for leading me to where I am with such love and devotion. xxx
Oh Ann-Marie, I know what you are going through and I know you are having a roller coaster ride, right now.
I know you, like me, come from a world of looking good, showing up as the competent one and feeling you have to do the ‘right’ thing to be successful according to society’s rules.
However you are waking up, my friend and welcome to the club of women with bruised egos.
Experiencing seeing the wholesome ‘what is so’ after having only seen appearances, is tough. It cannot be any other way though, to have your world crumble before your eyes is no mean feat.
It is a hero’s journey, this is about finding your own strength, your own vision, your own wisdom coming from discerning moment to moment what is so for YOU and learning to trust yourself.
Yes it is tough to accept this responsibility for your own life, no more hanging on to a safety blanket or false security; it is taken away and you are on your own with encouragement from the sidelines but the jumping YOU have to do.
Go Ann-Marie go, I know you are shaking at the knees, but you can do it, hugs xox Wilma, we are cheering you on.
Ann Marie, I am right there with you. this is such a new concept to me.. sounds like we’re at the same place.. I guess we JUMP! hold my hand too please lol
I’m cheering us both on! and others like us as we awaken to this new concept! it is HUGE! wow!
luv Jenn
Jenn ´s last blog ..Love is Ministering to the Needs of Each Other:
Jenn
I’ve got your hand girl.. and there’s a huge crowd on the sidelines shouting our names. JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
No turning back from here, what lies ahead is challenging and oh so rewarding.
To live life as as free women, no shackles, no doubts… what joy!
Are you ready, Jenn….1,2,3… Go! xx
Wilma,
“What is so”…from that deeper and more connected state….
Has me really thinking about those relationships which I hold dear, and how I think about the evolution of it all. My first thought goes to my marriage. This has certainly evolved over the years. In those early times together, there were moments where accepting “what was so” was not easy at all. I suppose I came into the relationship with preconceived notions, based upon all of my past experiences. There was definitely a period of time where I didn’t want to see beyond my own limited horizon. And while things were never terrible, there were times where our relationship suffered from that deeper and more meaningful understanding of each other. And I suppose also, there can still be moments. In this human existence, we make mistakes. I certainly have…and will. What has been good, though, is that we both come from a place of understanding that. And we are getting better at really seeing each other’s view. In that, when we can really take the time to connect at a deeper level, what we see is that – it’s really just a deeper desire for each of us to be loved, appreciated, cared for.
Wilma, this has been so good to read. It’s all part of that journey, and I guess for me – I see that as a journey into understanding “me” at a deeper level, and then being able to be open to seeing others in the light of love and truth (and not just my perceived truth).
Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day
Hi Lance.
This is the point that although we know, we do NOT know;
We all kind of know we have an opinion and a conditioning that can skew how we perceive life. BUT how are we going to really see how that affects our daily life where it counts. Who is there to point out that what we see is usually NOT SO as we seldom come from wholeness. AND last but not least, are we open to really see the what is so, because normally when you do, you are open for a shock, a big BIG shock and you are right NOT to want to go there, because it rocks the boat alright.
The foundations of our lives are being torn to threads and THAT is upsetting to say the least.
Lance, I want to point out to you that this is a lot more than being about allowing mistakes, it is a lot more than about a deeper desire for each of us to be loved, appreciated, cared for.
It is about becoming steadfastly relying on your own innate knowing first and then having the balls to live that way.
I am learning to distinguish my innate knowing as is Ann-Marie and I can tell you it is scary and exhilarating, requiring rigor and no walk in the park for the fainthearted.
We practice until we have gathered enough strength to let go of everything that is no longer serving us. Then we will fly unattached, on our own, in the company of our loved ones.
Free and able to set everybody around us free, we end up flying together united.
THAT is living.
I sincerely hope we will all achieve that.
Love Wilma
Lance, thanks for sharing.. this helps me understand some of my relationships lately and where I am expanding my horizon to include them more and to be more understanding of their view.. I think your explaining this really helped me to further this new awakening. so thank-you! ~Jenn
Jenn´s last blog ..Love is Ministering to the Needs of Each Other:
Wilma,
This post is Divine Timing. Okay. I am listening and processing
I hear what you say, and the comments so far are amazing as well. I tend to lead with my heart. My job right now as Love knocks on my door is to open it. *grin* No really, I want to peek first, then I’d kind of a like a refund policy before I’d invest…which symbolizes fear. Because what I know about myself is that when my heart says yes…to that red dress that is a knock out, to a hike in a beautiful spot even if my chore list is chock full, to stop and take in the sunset because it is gorgeous….when my heart says yes, I just do *it*. I get the dress, I take the hike, I view the sunset….So, Love knocks and I’m a little leery. But I opened the door, and I stepped over the threshold..so I *am* learning…
Now, I’d like what you, Nadia, and Lance have and a piece of Suzen’s cake:) I want Love to illuminate and shine on all involved, no Ego, no past experiences discoloring, no Fear…just Love plain and simple. We share because our hearts are connected….
Joy´s last blog ..What Kind of World Do *You* Want?/Monday Mosaic
Joy, your wholesome honesty is rare and Ann-Marie and I are finding that it is scary as well. Honesty has consequences, once you see, there is no way back.
Life is chaos, forever moving and yes every time we feel settled something else comes along; damn it.
A lovely neighbor moves, our body plays up or our heart wants to play even if it has been hurt before.
Ann-Marie and I too are learning to open the door and go and step over the threshold. Instead of shouting and jumping for joy, we are shit scared.
Because we do not know what is there, you do not know what that love will bring, how long it will last and how hurt you will get.
We have learned that uncertainty is wrong. We also have the experience that scary and pain is always there, because egos feed on pain. Our heart can forgive and can love the ones that have hurt us. Our heart can be okay with loving those ones from a distance. Our heart is okay with removing our self from those that can hurt us.
Oh Joy, once you learn from these different experiences, once you have finally an explanation that is more useful than those old ones, once you are brave enough to go against anything your mind has taken mindlessly on board, you and I and Ann-Marie and all the others here are finally free to live.
We are shaking at the knees, but lets jump and know we will fly, free as the eagle.
Joy, lots and lots of love to you and I salute you for standing here shoulder to shoulder with us at the edge, our hearts connected, knowing and encouraging and smiling from ear to ear . . . YES!
And refunds, are you crazy, do you know how much paperwork that involves!
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationship, it is the opportunity to discover our limits and shortcomings. Sharing our life with the one close to our hearts, we experience the stifling pressure of evolving. Unfortunately, many does not want this kind of change, we rather stick to our old self than to emancipate for the better.
Only by deep reflection and an openness to accept our flaws can we see the person within us and the person we are not. Most of us live a life of lie because we want to satisfy the controlling forces that we rely upon to secure our “identity.” It takes courage to face the truth, but many find it easier to be stubborn.
Walter´s last blog ..The essence of giving
Hi Walter.
I hear you are a great one to go for honesty as well AND you must have experienced the resistance in yourself and others.
It does take deep reflection and a willingess and openess.
It does also take courage to face the wholesome ‘what is so’ AND often we might have good intentions BUT not the skill. THAT is something to ponder as well, we are not well trained in going for the wholesome reality.
Ann-Marie and I both have experienced and are still experiencing what it really means to face up to unravel the wholesome ‘what is so’.
I for instance have to dig deep into my integrity when I see Ann-Marie squirming to deny the wholesome ‘what is so’ and I have seen her having trouble as well.
We must not underestimate what it takes to keep us enquiring when the ego is on the defense big time and I think you will resonate with that as well?
Hi Wilma!
You have learned so much and I think it is so fortunate for you that you have this great love with John where you get to apply all your discoveries about yourself, love, marriage, and the like! Thank you for sharing this. I have had those moments you wrote about, where you finally see what is so and realize your part isn’t so innocent. Gosh that’s tough but like you wrote, it is also joy-filled because then you become the master of your own ship again and can make plans for change. Kudos to you for mapping out a better, more fulfilling life. Thank you so much for being so open about your life. I learn so much from you. Jodi
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Shake Things Up!
Hi Jodi
I am very grateful for the journey I am on AND it still requires practice to keep this journey going in the direction my heart wants.
This current world we live in does NOT support journeys like this, curved balls come from all directions and can still throw me of course. Our old beliefs and their remnants also need to be carefully monitored and watched out for.
So there is a lot of work to be done to keep it this way. But the start is always awareness and starting to see beyond the status quo and what appears at first sight.
Like you said;
And it is tough, first to learn to observe and then to accept WHAT you see and then move on from that.
It is an ongoing process as we keep practicing to see beyond what our tunneled vision is seeing to a visions that is wholesome.
However it is the only way forward as you must have discovered.
I have one question for you, Jodi, and I would love it if you could find the time to answer it; “how did you learn to see beyond because that is not something that is very common and yet so fundamental to go forward”.
Love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Great post. What really resonated with me was the part where you said, “I trust him and give him credit for what he knows and does and thus we cooperate using each others resources to the full.” That reminds me of how things work with my husband and I. I always tease and say, “I’m the brains and he’s the brawn”, but seriously we’re a great pair – each giving credit where credit is due and working toward common goals.
Like Nadia and her husband, we might also be considered an “odd” couple, but I’m thinking there’s some truth to “opposites attract”.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Looking Forward
Hi Barbara
Isn’t it great to be able to recognize your relationship for what it is;
we’re a great pair – each giving credit where credit is due and working toward common goals.
You are making each other fly and working towards something together and if it works and you are getting results than that is what is so.
Opposite attracts, I do not know. but what I know is that it can be good to have differences as they can compliment each other, WHEN we allow that to happen.
We can make differences wrong or we can indeed like you and Nadia see them as adding value. Seeing THAT is a skill also.
AND you are flying with what you do and that is a delight to see, love Wilma
Hi Wilma – “what is so” and “that was it”
Re your “out-competing” .. so often it is because no-one seems interested and acknowledges us for what we are – yes the opposite may well be true – do we acknowledge others for their work, for who they are, for what they are doing for others etc etc ..?
The interesting comment here is your description of your ex and your behaviour in the sentence “I appeared saintly and competent when in fact I acted just as badly and egoistically as my difficult husband.” – you haven’t changed your thoughts?! He’s still difficult?! I’m sure (I hope) he’s a different person now – perhaps not!
Relationships are for sharing – friendships are for sharing – thinking before we speak is essential, and before we act too .. think of the consequences – make sure they’re the results you want.
I congratulate you and John – because that’s a two way process, and the same goes for you and Ann-Marie .. it’s so great that we can hear your voice/s and learn from you and your experiences .. Thank you
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hilary´s last blog ..Start of weather forecasting, some stats and memories …
Hi Hilary.
I have heard you observe that before, nobody is really interested to fully connect with the person who is in front of them, you in this instant. Most people are interested in the feeding of their own interest, their ego’s one AND do do not even know a different way of relating.
Your heart of course recognizes this distance in connectedness with whom is in front of you and wonders what is going on.
Your own ego will also have a role to play, at the moment we are all still very ego based.
About my ex husband, he is difficult and totally ego driven but my ego no longer needs a difficult marriage with a difficult partner to feed of it.
Thus I could see ‘what is so’ in our relationship and based on that I could authentically decide if there was any future. My heart decided ‘no’ and my ego was not getting caught up in a painful aftermath and getting caught up in an ego game about the children for example. His ego is still trying, but mine is not biting anymore.
That is extremely freeing and maybe you could come to a place like that with the people whose ego are refusing to give you credit for what you are doing.
Only heart centered people can give credit to each other, the other’s have an ego that wil not allow that. AND only egos fight and make trouble, only heart centered people always finds workable solutions and can only do this;
Lots of love, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I haven’t read through all of the comments just yet, but you can be sure I will. This is an exciting post for me because, like you, I had to discover what IS after my first marriage failed.
I came from a place of deep hurt – whether intentionally or unintentionally, I was an approval seeker. If I could just do this better, dad will approve. If I do more, be more, mom will approve. Unconsciously, it bled into my first marriage. I got promoted before my first husband (we were both in the Air Force), I received more letters of recognition, a few more medals, a few more “atta-boys.” After I finished my enlistment, I went to school full time, I graduated number one in my class (do I hear approval from my parents? My husband?) Instead of approval, my first husband had an affair. It was my constant drive to be better…than.
I still find this characteristic crop up from time to time. As I wrote my article “Are You a Better Than Stepmom?” I recognized that this was exactly how I justified my weird behavior when I first became a stepmom. I had to be a better stepmom than my stepkids’ mom was a mom. Once I figured out I was doing it again…I had a serious coming to Jesus meeting with myself. I’m the only one who needs to approve of me. God already approves of me and He has since the day I was born. Richard loves me for me, my kids love me for me, years ago I realized my parents love me for me. I have no need to be better than, more than, compete with, anyone.
This past weekend, as I was experiencing yet another phenomenal advanced yoga teacher training weekend, we covered chapter 2 of the yoga sutras, Sadhana Pada, which delves into going deeper into our own negativity, finding the root cause, and breaking the karma cycle. (Pratipaksa Bhavana)
This “having to be better than” aspect of me was rooted deeply inside my pysche, part of my unconcsious programming. Every time it cropped up, the result was nearly always the same – my own pain and suffering – caused by the veil of my own ignorance. Only by uncovering the Truth did I gain the correct Knowledge so that the clouds of ignorance on this particular life issue lifted.
“Through introspection comes the end of pain and ignorance.”
~ BKS Iyengar, Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
Now I’m going to read the comments!
xo
Peggy
Peggy at Serendipity Smiles´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss
Hi Peggy,
Wow, you are creating your amazing world, aren’t you?
This of course resonates hugely with me, sister;
Oh, it sure is deep rooted alright and it sure is amazing how it can get us and everybody around us into trouble, all the time and no exceptions. We can create our own hell, can’t we?
I could not have said it any better;
And vigilance my friend is making sure that no veil of ignorance is ever getting in the way again.
To be sure of that and to live this consciously is like being a top athlete, to stay performing at peak level we need to keep practicing and training and spending time and energy on it and keep correcting what we are doing.
Which you obviously are committed to and the results speak for themselves.
You rock as always, xoxWilma
I had to really think about this one, Wilma. After I read it yesterday I needed time to ponder before coming back to comment. My husband and I have been together for more than 32 years, and we’ve been through storms about what is. Particularly around our roles. Deep archetypal roles that we didn’t even know we were playing for a long time. I’ve been the one with the creative ideas, the initiator. He’s been the one with the humor, the life lived in the moment joie de vivre. Sounds great, right? But we’ve learned that when the shadows of each of those roles meet – my high drama perfectionist vs. his defensive, bitter sarcasm – well, then we are no longer clear about what truly is. We are no longer for each other, but against. And yet, these experiences have been our greatest resources for growth and depth in our relationship. And in some ways, the second half of our marriage is about us switching roles and coming to wholeness, both individually and as a couple.
Thanks for the lovely post.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Meaning Mondays: The Teapot Edition
Hi Patty, well your thinking has been worth it.
It is what happened to Peggy and me too, somehow you need to get propelled to finally work on getting to see ‘what is so’ and storms can certainly do that.
And apart from that we need a mechanism to get to a wholesome ‘what is so’ and THAT is something not to be underestimated hence my question to Jodi how she got to see what she was doing.
I love how you describe here about how you got to grips with finding your ‘what is so’;
It is the not knowing that of course can keep us in that muddle and struggle in our relationships.
I love your explanation, so poeticically like you, and I can see how playing the shadow side can cause discordance and how that leads to this;
Patty, that was great and offers yet another angle to show that there is much to unveil and many ways to do it.
I love how it all gets us to understand this wholeness and this ‘all is one’ concept and how we then can make it work in a very practical way in our daily living, which in the end is all that counts.
Hugs to you, Wilma
It requires courage to build the successful long term relationship. Part of it is to bring out the best in each other, part to accept what is so. It takes love and patience to get through the good and bad and cycles of life in the long run. Sometimes growing together can be a little painful at times, but as you help each other overcome obstacles it can be a joyful and rewarding part of your life. I have been married 30 years and he is an awesome guy who knows who I am and loves me anyway.
Erin´s last blog ..You Can Do It
Oh Erin, it sure takes courage and commitment of the level of top athletes to get to a relationship in which we indeed bring the best out in each other.
It takes courage to look the wholesome ‘what is so’ in the eye, to see how far we have strayed from our divine source and what it takes to get back.
I never forget the story about what Peter did when the crow cried three times and he denounced knowing Jesus. THAT hit me and that story has always stayed with me.
I did not know why it stayed with me, but I can see now how it impressed me how easily and readily we deny ‘what is so’ when push comes to shove and how declaring and then acting upon what I see can indeed require courage of me.
And I am sure your husband loves you because he can see who you are.
Love Wilma
I like to approach relationships now from a “reflection” mentality, recognizing that everything I’m thinking and feeling is being thought and felt by my partner. From what I know of the Universe and energy, that’s just how it works. When I have an agenda, so do they. When I am coming from a place of pure love, so are they. When I change, so do they.
Sometimes it still surprises me, though.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Redefining Success
Hi Megan, to get there is awesome and it makes a lot of sense.
BUT . . . HOW do you know your thoughts are coming from love and how do you know you are really seeing ‘what is so’?
That has fooled me for a long time until I finally got this clarity, I couldn’t distinguish the driver behind my thoughts. While I was doing coming from my so called loving helping thoughts, while I thought I was coming from love, I was controlling my husband and out to make myself look good instead.
I never thought that was behind my thought, I thought I was coming from love, arggghh.
So I was fooling myself with my own thoughts and the universe of course as well.
No wonder they could not do much to make me fly, duh.
So it has been a journey to distinguish my thoughts, what I thought about what I was doing and why and what I thought about ‘what is so’.
To get there Peggy and I had to obviously clean up a lot of our thoughts and it is a forever ongoing clean up. Do you agree with that?
Love Wilma, xox
“Clean up our thoughts” = Detox for the mind
Peggy´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss
Hi Wilma — I thought maybe you had been through Landmark. I haven’t done it myself but I’ve done several other workshops run by people with a lot of Landmark experience.
That was a key realization for me as well — that being seemingly forgiving or generous can be a form of aggression — an attempt to prove that I’m better, even though no one is around any more to award me the blue ribbon for being the most obedient little boy.
Hahah Chris, you got it in one, nobody is around any more awarding you the blue ribbons.
Landmark’s material is amazing once you get to really understand it.
It took me a long time to get what they are on about because it is profound and so what we do not want to hear or see. I honestly didn’t get it, it was so far removed from what I was used to seeing.
I fought what they were teaching for a long time, I kicked and screamed and did not want to go where they were taking me until I got that realization.
Which of course they work towards.
In the end I do not think it matters how we get to understand our obstacles to seeing the wholesome ‘what is so’, as long as we get a sense of how often we do NOT see it, how we finally get to see it and how that frees us up to live our life creatively.
Love Wilma
Happy New Year WAM (I love this endearment that SuZen selected for you both)!!!
I’ve haven’t visited recently and so, I went back and read your last few posts to catch up. I am amazed at how you were able to look so deeply into your relationship and learn something so important.
One of the things I got of this post is that we must be vigilant about our relationships and take time to explore them, including what works and what doesnt’ work from both sides.
We have to learn to be open to who the other person is AND who he or she is not. It is very easy to fall into familiar roles, which keep us doing a disaster dance and away from “what is so” in our relationships.
I liked this post very much and I imagine I’ll be thinking about it a lot…maybe I’ll even share it with JC, my boyfriend. Thanks:~)
Sara´s last blog ..Picture Story: Play the Game Online
Hi Sara
Thank you for your new year wishes and YES, I love that you are seeing the enormity of what we, WAM, are discovering and sharing here.
You are spot on, it is all about learning what is going on and then being vigilant to apply it and having it work in your daily context.
It sure is not going to happen overnight and it sure takes commitment and practice, do not be fooled.
But when you do commit, the sky is the limit as basecamp is well sponsored.
I love the idea of you sharing it with JC, imagine when you both can talk about your relationship and having common language.
I have found that that is making it so much easier to recognize and name what is going on.
Way to go Sara and we will all cheer you and JC on from the sideline. xox Wilma
Wilma, this is so deep and beautiful! Wow, .. I never thought of this before. I am especially going to ponder the last 1/4 of this post and I posted it in my notepad.. I love this part:
“Oh, how invisible the ’what is so’ is in relationships. Alone I would never have found it.
I would have never seen that most of us are conditioned to do relationships coming from that invisible place of control, competition, fear and disempowerment.”
Certainly, I will let this sink in deeply. This is where I’m at now,. the awareness and the shifting away from feeling insecure to being able to be the best me and it’s enough and then not take it so personal rather acknowledge the fear control cycle. etc.
I think I tend to disempower myself when I think I’m going to be disempowered. does that make sense? In fact I caught myself wanting to do that today.. (to protect my heart from the “fear” of possibly being hurt through a potentially rewarding mentoring relationship} why do we do these things ? It seems so silly!
I try to go back to the heart of the matter in each circumstances and eventually get the lesson, sometimes i have to keep going back to get those few until it resonates! I love the spin on this one and know this will certainly help me on this love journey! Many blessings to you, Jenn
Jenn Z´s last blog ..Love is Ministering to the Needs of Each Other:
Hi Jenn,
Yes, Ann-Marie and I are finding lots of food for thought in all this as well.
No this is not silly;
Marianne Williamson too keeps saying we are fearful to be our greatness, we are fearful to shine and I think it is because in this world it is not encouraged and it has consequences that can be unpleasant.
We have learned so many things we are not even aware of that we have learned them and most of them do NOT serve our unique essential self but serve our ego and voila, there you have the tension between what our heart feels is good and what our mind feels it the ‘thruth’.
No wonder we are confused and there is no denying that we are.
Jenn, let this spin help you on your love journey, that is all Ann-Marie and I can really ask for, xox Wilma
Thanks Wilma! I am so blessed right now to have beautiful mentors like yourself come into my life!
I learned so much from your last post and I love the idea of ’spinning’… it feels like a dance in learning this process on love’s journey! I am getting ready for my ’song’ and its so close, but I have to keep centering my heart.. this so helps.. and I noticed your next post is about this.. so I am heading over to read it! Thank you ahead of time! I will write more soon! 
~Jenn
Jenn Z´s last blog ..LAUNCH and a fun Video Treat! Just Checking in Personally!
Hi!
This is a very thought-provoking post. It has made me question all my assumptions about my relationships. I am in the middle of a divorce from a very toxic and manipulative man, but suddenly I am seeing my role in us coming together in the first place very differently. I am realising that through our whole relationship I have been trying to make him look and feel good about himself and then being angry at him when he didn’t and didn’t even notice what I was doing for him – my martyrdom… I was trying to make him feel good, getting no recognition and ended up at death’s door a couple of times as a result. I’ll have to think more on this….
Oh yes, observing ‘what is so’ about the role we play can be shocking and yet very empowering. It still doesn’t mean like Hilary asked that our opinion about the other person changes to that the other person changes or that you have to continue to live with them.
But seeing what is so certainly hands the power back to you how you choose to be and how you to choose to act from a powerful position.
THAT makes all the difference, it stops you from being a puppet in the hands of your own ego and others.
I wish you a lot of strength to observe and to become powerful and remember to be gentle on yourself, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
Love Wilma
Hi Wilma! Hi Ann-Marie!
I always feel such a wonderful presence when I come here. One that probes my inner parts and says, “Hey, look in there. What do you find?”
Peggy related a lot to her ex-husband, and I can see that. I was a lot like her with my ex-husband. What was so…I couldn’t fix him and my role was a fixer. I had to fix myself to find healthy love.
But really this post did not remind me of that at all. It actually related to my current relationship with Jason. He is a college educated man on the path to his masters with almost straight A’s. I am girl from the country with no college education and want to relate myself as beneath him. Not smart. Not educated. Why would he want a hick like me? His ex-wife? Extremely smart and educated with a private college degree.
I immediately don’t see that what he sees, is not brains, or beauty, but me. All of me. Completely. Just how I am. What is so, is that I have to stop thrusting that role on myself and him. It’s not fair to either of us. It doesn’t help us sponsor or grow or learn.
Wilma, your heart sharing, as always, opens windows in my soul that I had no idea needed to be aired out. It was getting stale in there. The constant evolving of self to live and do life differently is a journey that brings me great knowledge. That is the most important education.
I look forward to more, what is so moments as my eyes are opened to them now.
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..It’s a Bloggy Bling Parade!
Oh Angelia, I see what Jason sees in you, beauty, wisdom and lots and lots of love.
Your ego is firmly in control about education, education on its own means diddly squat, just means you are part of an exclusive club based on copy cat knowledge NOT wisdom. Used like your ego is doing it, it is just like being impressed when someone has a ferrari and you don’t.
That ego stuff is not a sign of being wise and intelligent and capable of superior good living, that ego stuff relates to only having a lot of information available you can search and bring up like a google search engine does.
Oh Angelia, I am sooo delighted this has this effect on you, oh you and Jason shine and do not let anything dim that AND I won’t have it!!!!!
Angelia, my heart is thrilled, you champ, you keep observing, hugs and more hugs, Wilma
Wilma- This reply meant the world to me. Your kindness is infecting and uplifting. Thank you! Big hugs, and lots of love <3 xoxox
Angelia´s last blog ..Buyer’s remorse?