Are you new here? This explains the blog
RSS
Prefer posts delivered to your inbox? Just pop your email address in below and click 'GO'.
Recent Posts
- Wilma on Our out-of-integrity world
- Me and out-of-integrity family.
- Wilma on Stop the Interruptions!
- Interrupted thinking creates half-baked me.
- Wilma on Fear of Losing Love
- My fearful pursuit of love and its pathetic results.
- Wilma on Love-in-Action
- Love is the real Father Christmas.
- Wilma on setting boundaries will give us ‘enough’
- When is ‘enough’ enough?
- Ann-Marie on ‘I don’t know’ so I say STOP
- Learning from experience to do things differently.
- Ann-Marie on Do we Learn from our Experiences?
- Learning to observe my Little Voice, my ego.
- Ann-Marie on The Third Person in our Relationships
Topic related blogs:
Where I am coming from
Categories
Further Reading
Search this site
Only acceptance has you do things differently.
How our thinking about Molly tripped us up.
Ann-Marie and I loved reading how you have taken doing things differently on board. And the results that have been created thrilled us to no end, to use Angelia’s words!
However despite all that, Ann-Marie and I still got stuck this week while we were talking about doing things differently.
It all started when Ann-Marie began talking about Molly, her 2 year old daughter.
For some months now Ann-Marie has had an issue with Molly refusing to have an afternoon sleep on Mondays even though she obviously needs it.
Monday mornings are spent at Playcenter where Molly loves to be with other children. She gets so excited by the whole experience; totally wired and come the afternoon she will not sleep although she is clearly exhausted after her morning’s adventures.
With no sleep, by the end of the day Molly, of course has become very cranky and doesn’t know whether she is coming or going.
Ann-Marie also is no longer at her best having dealt with her over-stimulated and then overtired child for most of the day.
Thus Ann-Marie feels she has a problem.
She would so like Molly to have an afternoon sleep to avoid her wee girl becoming over tired, frustrated and upset. Despite this and trying every method to get her to sleep, nothing seems to work on Mondays.
She desperately wanted a solution as she felt it served nobody to have the day turn out this way.
As this week’s WomenLikeMe topic is on doing things differently, she brought it up.
I too remember those days well, come 6 o’ clock everyone is at the end of their tether and Dad also cops it as soon as he sets foot in the door.
Oh how annoying and how difficult these days can be AND I too was stumped about how to solve the issue.
I totally agreed with Ann-Marie that it was not a good thing to have Molly or any child end up behaving like that and we, as good mothers should be able to sort it! BUT we couldn’t.
In both our eyes Ann-Marie had done every possible thing to solve the issue and let me assure you she sure had.
However we still continued to wrack our brains about what else she could have been done differently to cope. But that was to no avail, we both remained stumped.
Totally stuck.
And little did we know that our very thinking was the culprit.
By thinking this way we gave ourselves NO chance to come up with any creative thoughts, none whatsoever on how Ann-Marie could do Mondays differently.
But all was not lost, as back to observing and questioning we went.
AND that helped us to finally work it out and understand what we had read in WomenLikeMe;
When you reach acceptance, you are no longer reactive and you can go to a place of creating new possibilities from which you can do things differently.
(WomenLikeMe on Doing things Differently)
AHA!
We got stuck because we were automatically reactive in our thinking.
We both automatically focused on Molly and her sleeping problem.
Well, that was easy to focus on; the problem of Molly who after all had stubbornly refused to sleep for quite a few months now.
We were also fooled by thinking that Ann-Marie had done things differently with all her efforts, using many different techniques to get Molly to sleep to have Monday evenings once again be peaceful ones.
BUT had she really done things differently?
No!
What we both failed to see was that her automatic thinking was not interrupted.
We went straight to where we always went; we attempted to fix the problem by fixing the other person. We also wanted to change the situation and found ourselves judging it as wrong and annoying.
What needed to change was the starting point of our thinking.
As long as we both assessed the situation and Molly as wrong; as long as we never looked at Ann-Marie’s ‘way of being’ around this issue and whose problem it really was, our thinking would take us nowhere.
We needed to start from scratch and interrupt where we were going with our thinking.
However it took us quite some time to figure that one out, to figure out that Ann-Marie needed to accept the situation, that she needed to stop fighting it and to stop wanting to control it.
She needed to interrupt seeing it as wrong and to start accepting Mondays for what they were.
It finally dawned on us that it is the same as accepting rain on your holiday when you so desperately want sunshine.
Although we could see that rain was really something you better not fight and that when you accepted the bad weather as a given you would have a better day, to transfer that concept to these Mondays was not that obvious for us initially.
What was required was a change in how she was ‘be-ing’ after realizing how unproductive and reactive her behavior was. Once she could accept what was so, she then would be able to go with the flow and be present to how Molly was being without getting upset herself.
With letting go of expectations on how she wanted things to be, by letting go of the expectations that she as a mother should be able to sort it, she then would be able to deal with Molly’s upsets from moment to moment, stay relaxed in the process and not dump on Dad when he came home.
Accepting what is so, is the access to thinking and doing things differently and to have that happen we need to interrupt our automatic thinking mode.
Ann-Marie and I sure got to experience that acceptance is definitely NOT our conscious response to things.
Accepting all that upset and turmoil, accepting that toddlers (and other people for that matter) don’t do it our way, the ‘right’ way????
YES and in the process we found out that the ego is not about acceptance. The ego automatically goes to fighting what is so, but that is a topic for another post.
For now it has been enough for us to realize that initially we were nowhere near understanding and conscious about accepting given situations.
Therefore we were not solution focused but totally guided by our knee jerk reactions and our fixations on problems and thus a long way off from being able to work anything out.
It was only when we really understood and felt in our hearts that acceptance was the key, that we could see how you can create win-win solutions that have you do things differently.
Hmmm. . . and now it is a matter of becoming aware of other areas in our lives where non acceptance is going on.
After this I hardly dare to look as I am sure I will find plenty.
Related Posts
50 Comments to “Only acceptance has you do things differently.”
Leave a reply
Subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'Only acceptance has you do things differently.'.
Oh Wilma, this was such an insightful conversation for me. I really thought that I was doing things differently as I believed that I was accepting what was so with Molly’s sleep pattern on Mondays. Until we really looked at it and tore it apart did I see that only when I had exhausted all ‘fix it’ avenues did I very reluctantly go to acceptance. And even at that I wasn’t actually accepting the situation at all as I wanted it to be different when I was in the thick of it. I was certainly going against the grain of life, using so much energy by NOT being in the flow of peace and harmony. And I couldn’t see how to get out of it; I was driving myself round the twist, so frustrated with myself and Molly for that matter.
It was a big eye opener for me to realize that I do habitually go for problem solving and fixing of others instead of creating a solution from within, that I do feel the need to be in control. These have been my automatic reactions for so long now. And to interrupt them will take practice and lots of it. The way to have my day work out always lies in who I am BE-ing, in how I am thinking and in how I relate to others.
Today is Monday and I have my acceptance radar on, so bring it on!
Acceptance, I just lost my comment!!!!
Okay, I am calm.
What has amazed me about all this is that I never thought that acceptance would apply here.
When do you accept and when do you keep working on change?
There is still a lot to learn to be able to discern that, but I do think it will become easier with practice. At least we have managed to understand it in this situation.
Oh how have we learned to conform and to assess things in certain fixed ways, no wonder we dare not to look at things differently in case we are not doing it right.
I look forward to hear how today is going with the acceptance radar on.
I do have to congratulate you on staying with the conversation, because it has been a tough one.
Hello ladies!
Accepting What IS. Exactly what Bryon Katie writes of in “Loving What Is” and Echart Tolle in “The Power of Now.” Most of what I write for my stepmom’s blog is about accepting what IS because it frees you from the war with reality.
For example – my stepson just returned home from spending a week with his mom. In the past, transitions were awful. I was cranky because I no longer had my husband to myself and Junior was cranky because he was back to the land of rules and discipline. He and I both fought what IS.
And then one day, after applying Bryon Katie to all that I could think of – all my “shoulds” and “should nots,” I applied it to our transition period.
Junior and I both need SPACE when he comes home. I accepted this reality and once I did that, I was better able to come up with a creative solution.
As Junior settles back into the routine at home and I settle back into the job of stepmom of a seventeen year old young man, I decided the best course of action would be not to be rigid and demanding of our rules and how we run our home. We both need the time. And with me more relaxed and him less anxious, transitions go a lot smoother and we reconnect.
Happy Happy New Year’s Ladies!!
xo
Peggy
Peggy Nolan´s last blog ..Creativity
Hi Peggy!
Thanks for the New Year wishes. I just had a look at your last decade post on your blog and wow are you going to rock if you continue your creation of loving moments.
Ha, accepting what IS, Ann-Marie and I are just beginning to reaaaalllly feel that in our bones rather than parroting it as hollow words of wisdom.
But obviously the art of ‘the seeing what IS’ can still escape us and that is where at the moment we can help each other out.
Oh Peggy, to see that you resented the end of your time alone with Richard after Junior came home, THAT is daring to be honest and being capable to see WAT IS SO.
THAT is what is also required, to really see what is going on, from both sides and noticing when you are coming from your own ego self centered drama driven perspective.
Then to see this;
THAT ‘WHAT IS SO’ must have also not been easy to see, you could have seen ’slack ex-wife’, ‘resentful, wanting to be difficult Junior’ and all sort of other negative things instead rather than see his anxiousness and HIS need to re-adjust.
Once you find a solution that really works and brings out the best in each other and brings back love, you know that what you saw and accepted was WHAT WAS SO, honestly looking at both sides without premature judging.
It was so easy for Ann-Marie and I to only see an unsleeping Molly and to go to the negative side AND that was very interesting and shocking to notice and to be aware of.
.
Thus good for you to have seen that far more productive and honest ‘WHAT IS SO’ with Junior, he is very fortunate to have you and soon so are Ann-Marie and I
Happy New Year to you too Peggy.
Wow what an example of how acceptance can create solutions that make life work for everyone and how it provides a space for love to show up in.
Peggy your words “accepting what IS…frees you from the war with reality” hit home. I was so far in the throws of a full on battle with Molly, so entrenched in my automatic thinking, that I didn’t even see or care to look for the WHAT WAS SO that was waving the white flag at me!
It is, as Wilma says, ’shocking’ to see how I can keep a problem alive instead of going to a creative solution, like you did with Junior.
I echo Wilma’s sentiments we are very fortunate to have you soon.
Much love
Hi Wilma and Anne-Marie, Yeah, pattern interruption! It’s a corker. As someone who made a career out of solving (other people’s) problems I really appreciate this conversation. Have been reading about this very thing and wrote down a lovely quote from James Hollis – “Consciously loving another obliges risk, courage in the face of ambiguity and the strength of tolerance.” I was lucky enough to have an aha moment about my own desire to have certainty and control in regard to another person. And an opportunity to practice maintaining my own center, in a new context for me. Thank you for this, and happy New Year. XX
Hi Kath, so cool to hear this;
Yes, what a freedom that gives to be in relation to another person, what a freedom that gives in how to relate to other people at large and what a freedom that gives to finally find that special person and not settle for less.
Oh Kath, acceptance is what Jerry and Esther Hicks are on about as well and until you reaaaallly feel it in your bones, you won’t be free and every relationship will be conditional until you feel acceptance.
A joyous and wonderful new year to you and talk soon. Love Wilma
Lucky you Ann-Marie, what a sweet little girl. I was such a young parent I didn’t even know what acceptance was. I was always on edge from not knowing what to do or when to do it when it came to raising my children. I didn’t have a clue for the first 12 years. Yikes! I must have made up for it later when I sought the help I needed because in my eyes they all turned out to be pretty wonderful.
I feel my grandchildren give me a chance to redeem themselves. I give my daughter suggestions only if she asks for help! I also allow them to be and they don’t have to change a thing in my eyes.
I agree with Peggy. I just played a couple of videos of Byron Katie on You Tube. For those who don’t know who she is check it out. She has a session for everything you can thing of…weight, war, love, etc. Then if your impressed download her “work” for free on her website and write the answers to her questions.
I won’t make any suggestions for you and Molly except for there is no perfect mother so don’t be too hard on yourself. This too shall pass! xo
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..60 Ways To Become The Person You Love
Hi Tess.
.
Which parent will ever have a clue in this world where we do and think and be so topsy turvy.
One minute this way to treat your child is fashion and then a decade later the opposite is being heralded as the true way to bring up your child.
And most of us feel so precious about our children, we so want to do it right and not mess them up.
However as you say, now you are wiser and more confident to discern your own thinking, you can always make it up with grandchildren. Unfortunately my daughters are not talking yet about those, so I still have to deal with them
And yes, nobody knows the perfect way so who can be perfect.
But starting to accept a situation and starting to not only point the finger in the direction away from us, seems to be a wise move for now.
Byron Katie sure is a champ in that department, she sure can turn around what we consider as “What is so” to “What is so beyond my egoistic view point”.
Watching her is a blast for sure.
I agree Tess, lucky me for sure. I have tremendous support from Wilma, you and all the other fab women here and I am waking up. And for these things I am grateful. By sticking with the conversation about what was so with ‘the Molly situation’ and eventually seeing it from a totally other view point gave me such freedom. It is about me and certainly not about wee Molly; my controlling nature, my wanting to get it ‘right’… all recipes for a disaster really. With acceptance comes access to letting my heart have a say, letting my heart guide me in this parenting game.
It is something that offers so much; I get access to me, to observe myself in ways that I never thought possible…
Hugs to you
You gotta love that 2 yr olds are asserting their own independence and what is to them. It is such a transitional phrase and can you blame her? If she is sleeping she is missing out on something she discovered in her new world that is bright and shiny every day. Ahhh to be a child again with endless energy and endless fascinations.
I like how you worked through the process to understand and accept and learn from her. Molly is the name of my fiance’s 5 year old, so I am partial to little girls named Molly.
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Sunday’s Healthy Reflection: A Lifetime of Moments
Oh Angelia, how come I am not surpised you are taking Molly’s side straight away and not just because Jason has a 5 year old named Molly.
Yes, you have to give it to them to know their mind and to resist our parental game.
However I also love that you appreciate that Ann-Marie and I have been good girls and worked through it all.
Yes and now we are all on our way to become like a child, open and without judgement and having energy to burn now we are no longer wasting energy on mind games, so 2010 here we come!
Thanks Angelia,
I’m am so glad that we got to see the situtaion for what is was in the end. I loved how you said
What an awesome way to do life!
And yes my Molly can certainly teach me many things; no inhibitions,total acceptance and the heart self at the helm with abundance and possibility everywhere.
Bet Jason’s Molly has a few things up her sleeve that she can teach you 0;) xxx
Hi Wilma and Ann-Marie (maybe I’ll combine the initials and just say Hi WAM!)
Wonderful insight – it is soooo good that you two talked this out and could see that accepting what is (rather than fixing or fighting it) is the right road. It has helped me immensly by just watching myself/listening to myself – if I say I have a problem, it’s like some alarm going off. No! I don’t have a problem. I have a lack of accepting what is and going with it. This is so especially true when I feel I have a problem with someone else.
And with all the acceptance, just what was changed? Our thoughts. How simple! And the beauty of accepting a 2 yr. old’s behavior? She will soon be 3 – and 4, and on and on, changing and challenging mom to stay in the acceptance mode.
On that you can depend!
Hugs to ya both!
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..Step it Up, Suck it Up – GET UP
Hi SuZen, yes please call us WAM, we like being WAMMY!
I am sure Ann-Marie is going to like what you said, I like it too.
But isn’t it strange that our erroneous desires to fix, change and always looking from our own point of view can continue to survive in a society of supposedly intelligent people.
I too have to agree with Eckhart Tolle, we must be insane. To think we could have had many years of peace with our children instead of battle.
Oh SuZen, I hate to think about it and yet at least Ann-Marie has a chance to accept the challenge of motherhood with grace.
And now I have to accept my grown up daughters and the things they are up to. As you say it never ends.
I think I need your hug right now. Thanks SuZen, that felt good.
Oh Wilma how right you are! Ann-Marie has the wonderful benefit of awareness, not to mention a friend like you and a whole circle of women to guide her. I only wish I, too, were as conscious of “things” when my children were small! Yikes! I have to settle for knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Hey I wonder if that’s why some grandparents are so terrific with kids? They know enough to let kids do kid things without such a fuss. Acceptance and flow – I think they do go together well, don’t you? Yes, if only I had it back then in the mommy days. Like you, I have to accept my grown kids the way they are – hmmm – yes, right, ok then, ahem, I need a hug from you too! haha!
Hi suZen
Thanks so much for what you said, I do like it. I feel quite privledged to be in the situation I am in – raising a young child. With the benefit of such loving sponsorship and consciousness myself and Molly will have a grand old time together, of that I’m sure. Acceptance is a big step and yes as she grows up, it and I will be tested. However the gloves are off, it’s not about fighting, it’s about coming from love and finding a way that works for us both! Oohhhh it’s gonna be fun.
Big hugs to you from me and Molly xxx
P.S. Yep I like WAM!
Hi Ann-Marie and Wilma … how trying! & I don’t have children! These past three years I’ve often had to accept that where I am is is because of me .. it doesn’t mean I’m the cause – but it sure helps, that only I can help myself … and boy does it take time to get the cause sorted. However in the meantime I can get on with being myself .. and therefore moving beyond the situation.
I ‘presume’ (that wonderful word) Molly will grow out of it .. and I hope that in the next few weeks this will be the case, she’ll relax as you, Ann-Marie, relax about the situation. Go with the flow …
Wishing you the best -
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hilary´s last blog ..Books, books – Glorious books …
Oh Hilary, there are so many trying situations in life, one doesn’t have to have children to know and you sure had a dose of it lately!
And may I wholeheartedly agree with this statement of yours;
It is not that there are not enough books on all this consciousness and everything, I even agree and I think even my mind agrees when I read them. My head nearly drops off from all that nodding I do and yet when it comes to applying it to my life, it seems like I did not get all the theory at all.
Acceptance yes alright, but how and of what when it comes to my daily life. Be that change you want to see, sure but why is it so hard????
Oh all these questions we are still having and I am eternally grateful for this support, as alone we slide back down the slippery slope of our conditioning and status quo.
I am sure we all like your encouraging words Hilary, love Wilma
Hi Hilary
– It rang loud and clear when I read this line. Only I can do acceptance of any given situation, only I can do things differently, only I can create my life. And like Wilma said, it can be so hard to do in practice. The conversations here on this blog, you Hilary and the other women breathe life into the new context and provide such energy that it gives me strength to keep these possiblities alive.
Thank- You.
Hugs to you.
P.S. Molly is sound asleep having an afternoon nap!
Absolutely love this post for several reasons.
1. Acceptance. We are not in control of as much as we would like to think.
2. Creative thinking. This is a thinking woman’s blog and it why I return week after week. No whining here. We are intelligent, and creative, so let’s think and figure it out.
3.One of the few things I know for sure is that your children get both the best and worst of both parents. Look for the best of yourself in them. That tenacity will serve that girl well as a grown up. She will not give up. She will be a strong woman.
4. We would like to think we form children into who they become. We do guide them, give them a moral compass, and hopefully teach them to be productive members of society and loving partners and parents. But we each have our own path and star to follow.
Thanks for taking a story many of us have been part of (the exhausted child story) and make it a wonderful creative thinking opportunity for us all. Blessings to you all.
Erin´s last blog ..Opportunity
Oh Erin, thank you so so much for your beautiful words, they reached my heart.
We owe it to the one who has created us to go for gold, we owe it to the whole creation to be the best we can and we have to figure it our for ourselves, discerning with our heart and then let that guide our mind and actions.
And as you say we all have our own star to follow and all we can do is guide our children and know that we cannot control life.
It is interesting that that can be comforting or frightening, the choice is ours.
Now it is a matter of what do you choose. I know what I am aiming for.
Love Wilma
Erin, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You hear us loud and clear and for that I am most grateful. You see the purpose of these stories we share here –
It sets my world alight to know that you are out there in this world, following your own star! What a legacy to give your children!
Much love to you xxx
P.S. And yes my wee girl has some tremendous amount of tenacity that will stay with her all through her life.
This is definitely something I’ve been working on lately. I think it ties in directly with the idea of “should”. Donald often says “It shouldn’t be that way” or “That’s the way it’s supposed to be”. He has very strong ideas of what is right and wrong and although I encourage him to see that perhaps what is right and wrong for him is not for everyone, I also have to accept that this is part of who he is.
Wow… I just made myself dizzy, that was kinda circular. My point is, it is very important to accept things as they are when they are things you have no control over. Find what you do have control over and make changes to that. You cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself.
Thank you for this conversation!
Daphne´s last blog ..Rocking 2010
Daphne you are one of a kind, I had to laugh out loud when I read you are dizzy from your circular thinking.
.
Come to think of it, Ann-Marie and I too were dizzy from our thinking
You are so on the dot with distinguishing that accepting ‘what is so’ depends on your honest observation and acknowledging that what you can and that what you cannot change.
THAT is the first big question to answer, than you have to be willing to accept that what you cannot change and then . . . you can have a good relationship with people and life itself and then . . .you can dance through life joyfully and spreading love with your new red high heels.
Daphne I am absolutely thrilled you are part of this conversation as you and Donald and your future children have so much to gain. You are awesome, love Wilma
“We needed to start from scratch and interrupt where we were going with our thinking.” Awesome! I love that! because sometimes our thoughts around certain issues have become so automated we don’t even realize it, and always *always* when you start from scratch an insight pops in. Far different from your original thought. Applies to Ann-Marie and Molly, and to any other interaction you participate in. You are responsible for your own thoughts and actions, not that of another. I have to remind myself constantly as I interact with my children who are like night and day, which gives me practice for interacting with co-workers, which builds on friendships, etc…..
The post was awesome, and the comments also as good…excellent conversation–thank you for sharing!
Hi Joy, yes what a conversation we are having after our Christmas breaks.
It was an amazing experience to first really realize so clearly that we were stuck and not going anywhere with our reasoning. It was actually funny AND how we did not know how to get out of it.
It needed the both of us and our re-reading of the bit about acceptance to have the light go on.
I love what you say;
.
Yes, we are responsible for our own thoughts as long as we manage to be awake and observe them coming into our minds and out of our mouth.
AND that takes practice as those thoughts keep flying under our radar screen.
However this teasing out of our daily ordinary situations where we get to see what is stopping us from doing things differently is priceless as is everybody’s contribution.
Isn’t it interesting that the difference in your children will keep you on your toes, no one size that fits all and that sure will keep you awake. You do have to love them for it and you do a fantastic job. Love Wilma
Hi there Joy,
By stripping things back to see the what was so we did arrive at very different place that was ‘far different from the original thought’. It was a way out of the madness! Thank Goodness.I had fallen deep into the trap of being responsible for Molly’s thoughts and actions, my auto pilot reaction of being a parent!
Our children teach us so much and I love that you see yours give you practice for interacting with co-workers, which builds on friendships, etc…. That rocks!
Hugs to you
Hi WAM (love that SuZen!) – Lovely, lovely post and comments. It reminds me of that old saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff…it’s all small stuff.” Even a child’s refusal to take a nap. You really put it into perspective. Great insights. And I have to say, as I was reading, I kept thinking that I would really like a Monday afternoon nap!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Introducing Meaning Mondays
Hi Patty, why am I not surpirsed to hear that you love WAM.
You artistic souls are all the same if I am allowed to stereotype here.
Yes do not sweat the small stuff, as there really is no big stuff and that is the ‘what is so’ that is so hard to see.
We all have two eyes but I wonder sometimes what for as we seem to be so blind to what is going on.
Never mind, we will get there, we just have to apply ourselves and keep practicing and yes I agree, we would NOT have anything against an afternoon nap would we?
Not on Mondays or any day for that matter and that is why I do have some when I feel like it.
I really appreciated reading this, especially since I’ve been operating much more from an acceptance point of view in the last month; more than I ever have before. Your weather example was perfect — we can’t control the rain, but we can control how we feel and/or react to it when it shows up. Maybe I stay inside if I don’t like the rain, or maybe I use an umbrella to prevent myself from getting wet.
As I typed that, I had a funny image of Ann Marie putting ear plugs in her ears when Molly melts down, thus letting Molly be Molly, and allowing Ann Marie some peace & quiet without controlling anyone but herself! (smile)
Love & joy to you both!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Funny Cookies
Hi Megan, yes acceptance does allow you to get on with life creatively and find workable solutions, rather than be reactive in a predetermined way like ‘I will never have a good holiday when it is raining so I won’t even try’.
I do get this weather thing finally, however there are still ‘what is so’ situations especially those that concern people that I still do not get and the situations with Molly and Peggy with her step son are an examples of that. To get to the core of what is so, will eventually lead to acceptance, the rest is just denial.
Hmm, ear plugs, I think they will come in handy around a lot of adults as well, those ones that keep raving on about their stories.
Might be an idea for a shop item, do you sell any and I want pretty ones
Happy New Year Megan, love Wilma
Hi Megan
Seeing Molly as the rain, something that I have no control over gave me such freedom around this ’sleeping’ situation.
I’ve found my favourite music on my IPOD comes in really handy, gives me peace and quiet! However ear plugs sound great. How did you know that my girl has such a glorious set of lungs;0) And they’ll come in handy with adults also!!!
Hugs to you
I just stopped by to read the rest of the comments…because more ideas are generated, more a-ha’s, more conversation, more tweaks to perception, more self-inquiry – LOVE IT – and I just love your new nickname – WAM!
xo
Peggy at Serendipity Smiles´s last blog ..Focus
Oh Peggy, you are so good how you stay in this inquiry. No wonder you could figure out the ‘what is so’ with your stepson, that must have required some rigorous looking at all the ‘what is so’ scenarios AND it is paying off too. Your relationship with Junior will flourish more and more no doubt, all because you are committed to do things differently obviously.
.
That requires serious focus and commitment, and no wonder your last post is on focus
Hi Wilma!
What a wonderful lesson you and Anne-Marie came up with! You are so right, our automatic, ego-driven response to life’s events is usually to fix what is outside of us. The shift you both made in solving this Monday issue is profound. And, isn’t it wonderful when the only thing that we must change is our attitude or approach. It’s so “simple” once you are ready for it! Best of luck on all the Mondays ahead! xo, Jodi
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Shake Things Up!
Hi Jodi, the shift was indeed quite significant. We are so focused on do-ing something, to do anything to what we think we can control. Acceptance was always a lame choice, one for weaklings, one for people who were not action man!
Oh, how it had us retrace our steps on that one.
I know, it is wonderful that changing our attitude or approach or thoughts is all that is required AND isn’t it amazing that something so simple takes so much effort!
And yes once you know and are ready for it, you think; was that all???
However one step at the time and thanks with being so generous with acknowledging our progress, love Wilma xox
Oh Wilma,
works wonders with 3 year olds 
This Acceptance….my god i have pulled my hair out and thrown mental tantrums trying to figure out why on earth my little one cried all night when she was born. I would stay up all night with her…and cry cause i felt like i was a useless mother..i couldnt even get my baby to stop crying.
It was only after my mum visited me when my little one was about 8 months…and she said “babies are just like that. No use you crying your eyes out too. Buck up and face the issue not the reaction to the issue.” Well, i took her advice…tried to stop blaming myself…and started accepting my little ones tantrums(which i came to know much later..that they were just tantrums to latch on to you know what)! Once that acceptance came…almost all situations now have acceptance woven in it somehow. Without it I dont think i would be able to handle any situation.
Today my little one is almost 3…she still throws her tantrums….most of the time they dont get to me..cause well i have accepted the tantrums(now the reasons are different)…but hey sometimes they still get to me….then a few deep breaths….and the fine art of distraction
Ann Marie, we mums have to just let them be sometimes….”let them cry it out, they have to get tired”…as my mum would say
Always love your topics Wilma…
Much Love
Z~
Oh Z, you are so lovingly honest as well. However in this day and age we think we have a cure for everything as if we are God.
Acceptance is NOT that simple as for a long time I confused it with weakness, an inability to find solutions and more of those unuseful perceptions.
It is only when someone with wisdom from experience like your mother comes along who can point out ‘what is so’ that we can stop our illusion and can distinguish what acceptance in this situation really means and looks like.
That is why our context and the conversations we are having are so useful when we are serious about creating a life differently from a status quo we do not like.
Your girl is very fortnuate to have parents who are looking to provide a context for her in which she too has a chance to break the current cycle the world is in.
Hugs to you, xox Wilma
Hi there Z~
Your Mum obviously loves you and your daughter very much. To provide you with a way to stop your upset of having a crying child, by accepting is a precious gift.
Being able to look within and truly see the what is so and accept it, the person and the situation brings us so much peace. You captured it in these words ‘we mums have to just let them be’. And as my wee girl turns two this week it certainly is an ongoing occurance.
Love to you
Ann-Marie
Hi Wilma and Ann-Marie,
First of all, I think it is awesome that the two of you really did what you could to get to the heart of the matter. Not many people would do such a thing.
I think what you wrote is just perfect because a lot of human issues are rooted in just not accepting the reality of the situation. We so much want to blame external factors as if blaming will change things. Blaming never does any good and just keeps us stuck where we are. Took me years to figure that one out!
Nothing in life lasts forever and eventually these kind of Mondays will be a distant memory.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
Hi Nadia, I agree that it is awesome that we can have these honest conversations and that they are not common. And they make all the difference and if only they could become a standard way of relating, then honesty and authenticity and love will once again prevail on earth. Until now we have to accept it is rare and rejoice every time it happens. I do appreciate therefore the depth of all of our conversations here, as I said they are rare and to be treasured.
Yes seeing ‘what is so’ AND accepting has not been a practiced skill in this day and age, as I said to Z, the meaning of the word is distorted into something negative and so is our honest pereceiving of what is happening.
Advertising, government, justice, education, they all offer an distorted view of ‘what is so’, so we have not seen much honest perceiving of ‘what is so’, hence we have trouble doing it.
THAT is what had hit me so.
However it all starts with observing and becoming aware and THEN from there we can move into the direction we choose based on a more useful compass.
So let’s keep moving into that direction hey Nadia, love Wilma xox
Hi Wilma,
I remember when my second daughter was an infant and she had cholic–she was inconsolable, until we discovered that the sway of the rocking chair seemed to calm her.
Acceptance is it. I finally began to understand what acceptance is when I realized it is not something I do. It is something I stop doing. I stop resisting.
Thanks, great article.
k
Kaushik´s last blog ..Dark Night of the Soul
Hi Kaushik.
Oh yes, acceptance is just a word, but to understand it in your heart and applying daily life is a different matter.
To stop resisting is a great way to get to acceptance as indeed resisting is what you DO and accepting is what you BE.
This is a good addition to a topic that we seem to resonate with but what is not a common skill unfortunately. Not yet anyway and a child with colic will surely be a great teacher.
Love Wilma
Hello Wilma,
There is such a fine line between being controlling and recognizing when to be in tune with your child’s changing patterns. Raising children is no easy task and I doubt that anybody ever perfects it.
As long as a parent is in tune with his/her child things will be more apt to run more smoothly. We can’t forget to listen and watch.
Thank you for your comments on my posts. I love to hear your words and wisdom.
Best, Jillian
Jillian´s last blog ..It’s Okay to Stay Home and Play
Hi Jillian,
Wanting to go the perfect path with children is a dangerous one alright.
Especially in this world that is so far from having us access our innate knowing and that feeds us all contradictory info about what perfect is. We have no show to perfect anything.
Daring to listen and indeed daring to observe as to honestly perceive what is going on, is funnily enough a courageous act as it requires to own responsibility as a parent and to give that away to so called experts or others.
THAT is courageous, to walk your own path with your children and I liked how you described your experience with yours in your last post.
Hi Wilma — wow, I felt myself going through what I imagine to be the emotional ride you went on in the experiences that led to this post — when you said “good mothers should be able to sort it out,” I had this sort of sour feeling in my throat, like “ugh.” But it passed away and I felt a lightness there when you talked about letting go of the need to control.
Hi Chris,
I know, what a horrible burden we can put on ourselves when we think these unserving thoughts. No wonder that with an inner voice which can come up with these sorts of comments, we get into trouble when we are doing our best to live a joyous life and to accept what is so. No chance, I’d say.
However as you can see, all was not lost, thank goodness, the voice got overridden and it sure is losing its footings more and more.
In this time in which even child rearing has been considered a science, what show did we have to let go of control of these tender buds?
But no more, we are taking our responsibility back and it feels good, let me tell you that and I love how you felt the lightness as well.
Love Wilma
what a perfect (and well-told) example of how the ego creeps in and resists acceptance with its projections and ideas…one i could especially relate to, with three young ones, and having just gone through my three-year old twins giving up their naps, altogether, which i was particularly slow to accept! thanks for another truly helpful post…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..December Month in Review
Oh Lisa, I had forgotten you had twins.
I so understand that giving up their naps must have been a hard one to allow you to access the ‘what is so’ about what was going on for all of you.
Hmmm, I can see that that must have taken some doing to go beyond what you felt on the immediate surface, like oh my how am I going to adjust to that?
Isn’t it amazing though when you can? And I so realize how everyone can benefit from taking the time to figure out ‘what is so’, but that too requires time and the head spacet o do it in and that must be rare in your busy household as well.
I have to admire you for finding time for that and you ability to contribute to Jan’s 28 days meditation challenge as well.
With that ability you will have a fabulous 2010 no doubt, Love Wilma