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Ann-Marie on Intimacy on Blogs
Well Wilma, you have done it again with your post All Conversations are not Equal in Intimacy. You have clearly explained how conversations work, how ’social integration’ is necessary and useful but very limiting when it comes to intimacy and deepening our shared understanding of each other.
Not only in our daily interactions with others, but here on this blog as well. When someone like Wilma shares intimately about her relationships with her daughters and her first husband, it creates the space for others to share intimately as well.
You set the ball rolling and Joy picked it up by sharing about her tendency to isolate herself when “fear overtakes faith”.
Patty followed up with her lovely story of getting closer to her other brother through the wake up call of their sibling dying. A lovely example of how death contributes to the living.
Tess too got involved and shared how difficult it can be with daughters. Thank you Tess, that does take courage, you certainly are the Bold One.
Jodi shared another example; choosing not to have a relationship with a girlfriend who “could only stretch to the confines of social integration.” That too must have taken courage.
This brings me to what I want to look at today which is ‘Intimacy on Blogs’.
Your sharing and intimate comments are valuable contributions.
Practical learning happens in our daily life, so as you share your experiences from the context of your life, we all learn.
We get to see our own situations in your examples. We are encouraged to act, because we are inspired by your do-ing.
Of course none of this is available at the level of social integration conversation.
Is it available in blogging? Can this level of intimacy actually happen on blogs?
Yes, it can.
How do I know? Because it is happening right here on this blog.
Will everyone be comfortable with it? Just like in life, I doubt it.
There are those that are only comfortable with social integration so they won’t stay long on this site or on similar blogs. They will feel much safer with advice giving / opinion blogs and leave social integration comments like “lovely post” and move on.
This is okay as social integration blogs do have a place and they do put people at ease the same way social integration in daily life does.
BUT are we learning any thing useful without intimacy? Is anything changing in our lives, or is it just more information in, more information out, all the same old noise and nothing new happening?
Wilma and I are committed to doing things differently and living into our greatness.
For anything to change, we need to share intimately, to share where we get stopped, and share what we are reaching for.
We know we can’t do it alone, we need you, to learn from your examples and be moved to action with your encouragement.
Finally I’d like to bring your attention to two intimate posts that I learned from this week.
Nadia wrote a post about looking for work called ‘A Day in the Life of Being Me’; a moving account of how it feels to be different and needing to solve the money flow question with integrity.
And SuZen shared her extraordinary story of taking action from a place of needing support, with her post ‘Tears of Fears – The Candle in the Window’ . She shared her intimate needs publicly and it unleashed a wave of support from mothers in her situation from all over the US. A remarkable story of sharing and taking action. SuZen, you are indeed a courageous woman, doing things differently.
Next week we open up the topic of community for discussion and Wilma in her unique way will explain how things are for her on this topic.
As for me, I thought I had community sussed. Boy was I off the mark. So I’m looking forward to learning and gaining a deeper understanding from your intimate sharings.
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26 Comments to “Ann-Marie on Intimacy on Blogs”
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Hey Ann-Marie, we sure are learning by being open with each other.
It makes me think of Zeenat’s comment about keeping this level of intimacy going.
It sure does take some doing, it takes courage to keep encouraging each other to share.
I know when I share openly it has consequences, one is that if I tell you somehting I know I then will be held accountable. I cannot complain, you won’t let me. You will inquire and inquire until we come to a solution and have me do something I do not always like doing to stop the complaining.
When I complain about not having time for myself, you will get stuck in until I am right back on track with making base camp strong. No victim behavior or complaining for me, no sir!
It takes some doing on Ann-Marie’s part to be vigilant with her listening as well because I am very persuasive and can get Ann-Marie to feel sorry for me too.
And intimate complaining with each other will get us nowhere.
Yes, intimacy is important and takes some doing, we know hey buddy.
However thanks for being a stand for me and I had a great weekend last weekend doing things for me. Ha!
Right back at you buddy. I love being on this road with you.
When we chat at this intimate level my tactics of avoidance and martyrdom are doomed, they haven’t got a chance as you just don’t tolerate them. Through this level of conversation we get a 360 degree view of a given situation and I get to see clearly who I am being once I strip off the layer of drama or making it all about me. And yes alot of the time it isn’t a pretty sight. You’re willing to do that with me, to refuse to listen to the stories. You’re only interested in moving forward.
On this week’s buddy call I got to see that I was dumping all over my husband when it comes to him playing golf, one of his passions in life. Ouch!
Wilma you’re prepared to go there with me and together we always find something for us to work on, we get to tease things out and emerge victors and not victims. I so value YOU, Thank You Wilma for playing this game with me.
And as I said above, the comments help tremendously as everybody’s sharing at this level makes a difference, a big difference.
Hi Ann-Marie,
I love the intimacy on this blog, and others. The conversations of depth, and the digging into each soul for what lies there. It has helped me not only in viewing of others, but in myself. My perspective has changed, and I hope it will keep changing. This intimacy brings forth warmth and compassion. I can’t thank you both enough. I, for one, want to keep going until I get it right for myself, and others.
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..I’m blaming hormones
Hey Angelia
Hearing that intimacy brings forth warmth and compassion is wonderful.
It also takes courage to take yourself on, to notice who you and others around you are being. At this level of conversation being bold, not buying into stories and calling each other on things when you see fit is the order of the day.
It takes some doing to make sustainable change, we can be pulled back into old habits so easily however our community is a stand for each other and we will ALL get there, my friend.
Hugs to you
Actually, the intimate connections I share with fellow bloggers are the main reason I continue blogging. I’ve met some incredible people, many of whom are now my friends. This has been extremely important for me this year, especially since I now spend much of my time home – alone – writing. Coupled with singledom, were it not for the wonderful connections that have found me in the last seven or eight months, my life might feel much less blissful. Certainly more isolated.
I value the emotional intimacy that is created on blogs such as this. Thank you, Ann Marie and Wilma; from your hearts to mine, the love is deeply felt.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Read. LAUGH! Repeat.
Hi Megan,
You’re most welcome. Blogging at an intimate level takes effort as there’s so much ‘social integration’ going on about the place, so good on you.
I agree it is valuable to be connected with others at this level; it makes us really fly in life to be love-in-action. Even though it is not for the faint hearted, it does create many possibilities to have our lives work for us.
x
Hi Ann-Marie & Wilma – Both of you are gifted at creating a space here that makes it safe to move to intimacy. So thanks very much for that. We have such a basic human need to connect and belong. But I do have some thoughts on virtual intimacy, which came up yesterday while working with a client. He was frustrated by the amount of time he was spending on social networking: blogs, twitter, facebook. It was interfering with his health goals. Clearly this was deeper than simply finding new strategies, like, “just set the timer.” So as we began to explore, he talked about what drew him to social networking in the first place – the desire to connect, to be in community. After a bit, I asked him: “Are you getting what you need from it?” His answer was quick: No. And his immediate insight was that he keeps going back for more, hoping he will get his needs met, but they’re never fully satisfied. So the cycle repeats. It wasn’t much of a leap for him to connect the dots, to realize that it’s acting like a drug for him, like a compulsion that will continue to leave him wanting if he doesn’t do it differently. Different in his case means realizing he will never get what he’s seeking online, and needs to put more attention on real-time, face-to-face intimacy. And that’s when we both had a final insight: as compelling as virtual intimacy is, the fact that it doesn’t happen in real time affects the amount of satisfaction we get from it.
Of course, I know many will disagree with me. That’s fine, I’m okay with that. I certainly don’t mean to be a rabble rouser or question that there is intimacy to be found online. But this story has come up so often with the people I work with, and it spans all ages, genders, and generations. And they’re all bright individuals, prone to reflection and soul searching like we are. So I have to believe it’s real, that there’s something that I need to look at. I suppose I will explore it one day on my blog.
Thanks for letting me begin to explore it here!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Thirteen Tips to Transform the Story
Hey Patty,
Thanks for that.
Yes the basic human need to connect and belong is in all of us. And each of us determines what level to do it at. If we are looking for intimacy, we first need to DO intimacy, otherwise it will never show up. We need to be skillful at listening, asking questions and getting into the other persons world. Our ego has no place in intimacy and letting go of the ‘what about me?’ attitude is necessary.
For me ‘social networking’ sites are just that, social. They operate at the social integration level and to think that you can have intimacy at this level is setting yourself up for disappointment and indeed never feeling ‘fully satisfied’.
I can’t really comment further as I don’t fully know your clients circumstances.
I will add this. I live 12,000 miles away from my family. My sister is one of my closest friends and we have intimate conversations, we have an intimate relationship. The distance is not a challenge as the listening for each other is there, the desire to live life differently is there and the love to spur each other on is there. For me it doesn’t matter how intimacy shows up whether ‘virtual’ or in ‘real time’ what matters is that it is present and through it I learn to have an extraordinary life.
Hi Ann-Marie – Great point. And I forgot to say my client also realized that the social networking had cut him off from talking to friends on the phone, which can be a very intimate real-time experience. They had actually begun to replace phone conversations with social networking. But I’m curious – do you and your sister talk on the phone quite a lot? That’s always been a way for me to feel closer to those who are far away.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Thirteen Tips to Transform the Story
Hey Patty
I communicate with my sister at least once a week by phone or skype. Then there is the texting or e-mailing as well. It is our level of intimate conversation that makes me feel closer to her, not particularly the method of communication. She rocks. x
Hi Ann-Marie,
I like your writing style and I love stopping by this site to read the latest posts from you and Wilma. Intimacy and connection are so important to me. It has been incredibly gratifying to find it here in the blogosphere. I love the connections I’ve made at this site and others. It fills a special place in my heart. I think you bring up a good point about the sites which don’t communicate on that deeper level–it does end up being information that I take in and as quickly forget. It becomes part of the noise of daily life. I think, “Interesting” and then shrug it off. I love discovering more and more about the friends I’ve made as I read other sites we all follow. Absolutely, it’s the connections we share in our posts and the comments we leave around each other’s sites that make this experience so fun and special!
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Forgiveness, Letting Go, and Freedom
Hello Jodi
Thank you. Intimacy and connection gives us such a richer life and yet so many of us don’t do it or know how to do it. I agree that the ‘information’ type sites do add to
the ‘noise of daily life’ and very little is learnt or taken action upon.
I’m with you Jodi, I too love discovering more about the friends that are here in cyberspace. It is about connecting with like minded women who are committed to changing things in their lives to have it be different. With a shared understanding we can move forward together, face what stops us and egg each other on in a loving and fun environment. Without intimacy this sustainable growth could not happen.
I am grateful that you are part of this Jodi x
I think there are different levels of intimacy. I do believe we have intimacy on blogs however, it’s less risky when it’s not face to face and then the physical touch is also missing. I’m not saying it doesn’t have value. Of course it does. I believe everything in balance. I think texting is a step down form talking on the phone.
I think if you walk into the homes of younger generations (probably and older, just not mine;) you would find families texting each other from different rooms instead of walking to each other and talking face to face.
I’m still not big on texting, I do it because people won’t communicate with me if I don’t. When my granddaughter, 15, was visiting she was mad at me. We got in the car to go somewhere and she still wasn’t speaking. She was sitting in the back seat with her girlfriend. I decided to text her and of course she immediately texted back.
I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s not the best way to communicate and be intimate. On the other hand when it has to do with geographical distance it gives us opportunities we’d otherwise not have. I think I’m rambling a bit…so I’ll stop.
So do you speak as well with your sister on the phone?
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Thank You for Being My Friend
Hey there Tess.
Fair point on the different levels of intimacy.
As for texting; it does have it’s uses however for an intimate conversation it isn’t that effective and the conversation flow is interrupted. We miss out on listening with our other senses also.
I laughed at your story about your grand daughter. Interesting how kids immediately respond to the ‘beep beep’ of an incoming message. It does raise the question though … What methods are we using to teach our kids about intimate communication?
As I mentioned to Patty I speak with my sister by phone or skype weekly. I do text her with messages like ‘you ready for a call?’ or sometimes it’s ‘I’m thinking of you, love you’. I guess that IS intimate. xxx
You have created a blog that feels like a large group of friends who touch base a couple of times a week. It feels close and yet supported by strong, thinking people. Thank you. I love this space.
Erin´s last blog ..Release, Receive, Renew
Hey Erin
That is fantastic to hear. It is about checking in and dealing with whatever is infront of us at present, being part of something bigger, learning, connecting and sharing. I find it gives me strength and doing this with ‘conscious’ women is so valuable.
Thank you Erin
Hi Ann-Marie and Wilma,
Thank you for mentioning me in your post. In my mind, it is vital to be open when blogging. It is obvious to me when someone is writing a post from their heart or from their mind. If someone is writing from their mind, it bores me because it is not real. It is just a perfect representation of how they think things should be. But when someone writes from the heart, you can see their soul and I think that is beautiful.
None of us are perfect. So why act like we are? I mean…someone blogs because they have something they want to say so why not say it openly and honestly? The post which I wrote about a day in my life was a huge eye opener in terms of my writing. And as a result, it has caused me to realize a few things which are awesome.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Vampires, Investments and Love
That’s it Nadia.
It comes down to being authentic and having our heart self show up. Intimacy creates space for that to happen. Yes we all have warts and ‘none of us are perfect’. In an environment that listens with a supportive ear our ‘truths’ can be told openly and honestly.
Your post was very intimate last week and it takes some courage to write like this. It shines brightly above the ‘looking good’ blogs. It was so valuable on so many levels, and I for one got alot out of it. Thank you Nadia
I love coming here. It’s safe and inviting. There’s a willingness to share from each poster and commentator. To explore, ask questions, think deeply, and respond in kindness.
I have opened up probably more of me on my blog than I ever have. I talk about being in a toxic relationship. I talk about going through breast cancer. I talk about struggle and hope…and how to find courage and push forward when all you want to do is cling to the past and hold back. (And everyone once in awhile, I post a kick arse recipe
I love this space – thank you Wilma and Ann-Marie!!
Peggy at Serendipity Smiles´s last blog ..Pumpkin Chiffon Pie
Peggy,
Isn’t there tremendous freedom to be able to talk so openly and candidly about your life? It is wonderful to hear that you look to ‘push forward’, that you question and think about what is going on. It leads us to live into our greatness. And we all win there.
Thank you Peggy. You are a courageous, honest and intimate woman.
And your pumpkin pie recipe sounds delicious. It’s a keeper x
HI Ann Marie,
I am so glad whenever i come here to see and read such powerful women just chatting away about their lives..It reminds me of intimate conversations we would have over a cup of coffee….and leave all happy and blissful.
Youre so right Ann Marie, blogs can have intimacy…a very deep level of intimacy…infact i can go so far as saying I have Like Megan{megan included} made some deep soul connections over the last 6 months, which i dont think I can do without now. I just have to read their thoughts…and share with them. Some I have regular conversations with….its amazing how like minded people can connect on any platform….we are all just so hungry for the “right kind of intimate conversation”…just enough to warm our hearts and jog our minds….
And Your blog and you gals are my dose of that “right kind of intimate conversation”.
Lots of love and hugs to you both.
Z
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Being Alive{Inspirational Quote}
Dear Zeenat
These intimate conversations are deliberate in that they are open, honest and there is a willingness to take new things on and run with them. It is about being committed to moving forward, to being supported. And once that is in motion a deep level of intimacy is created. We become involved in each others lives and we have a readiness to be sponsors and encourage action. We not up for playing small, we’re up to bigger things, together.
This is beautiful and a BIG dose of this level of intimacy is what is needed to do life differently. Zeenat you contribute hugely and create intimacy so skillfully. x
Dear Ann Marie,
This is just absolutely life-giving!! Ooooh, just like a real live hug filled with warmth and safekeeping. This is a gift for me. Do you know why? When I started my blog I got a few emails from people telling me that I was being “too open with people I didn’t even know”. (I’m chuckling right now) My first thought was, “Oh I didn’t know there was a limit on intimacy on blogs…hmm…I obviously missed THAT rule book.” At first I thought well, maybe I am too intimate…and THEN I thought…”No, this IS who I am whether it’s here in this blog or in the real world. I am not 55 years old and have traveled all over the world, been through 100 lifetimes in one and lived so deeply that I am going to trust my gut. And my gut has always told me to go for full-on living.” I honestly don’t think I know how to live any other way anymore. Maybe there really is not other way for any of us…not and live healthy rewarding full lives.
In my off-line life I reach out and hug people in stores or the bank or wherever. If I see someone fighting back tears in the store I reach out and ask if they’re okay. I have to. Otherwise (for me) what the heck am here for…to save up money and buy a house? LOL! Sure I can do that too, but it sure as heck isn’t my life purpose.
So as I move into blogging I continually strip away the rules and confinements that are NOT me. I also can accept what others need, but I will not be silently marshaled into conformity and the death of my spirit. I’ve always taken risks, GREAT risks and I have never regretted it. It has made my life sooooo rich and full and put me in touch with the most amazing souls on the planet and that includes you, Wilma and John. The world is FULL of astounding people.
Amazingly the more I am myself, the more intimate and real I am the more I draw to me these astounding souls. I’ve really seen this in my last six months of blogging. If I am going to blog then I have to be the same me online that I am offline, otherwise I don’t want to do it.
Your writing is beautiful and honest…real. I thank you from my heart for sharing this. It makes who I am just that much more real. You are a mirror that reflects great beauty and I am sooooo grateful for that.
Much love to you Ann Marie,
Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Lifting the Lid on Age and Death
Dearest Robin.
You are a breath of fresh air. I am in awe of your connectedness to yourself. You know who you are and you do not compromise yourself at all. You are on a mission in life and nothing is going to stop you, NOTHING. You write your own rules.
Robin, you are a beacon shining brightly in all her glory; your oneness, beauty and love for humanity touches us and wakes us up to possibility.
Intimacy does not have limitations. Robin continue doing what you are doing, being YOU; expressed, whole and complete. The world is a better place with you in it. It is our destiny to ‘live healthy rewarding full lives’, so keep vibrating it. We hear you.
I am so grateful for the internet and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
Love Ann-Marie
Oh! You are a DEAR HEART, I can see why Wilma loves you so. You have given me a HUGE gift, just by seeing me and seeing the importance of intimacy and human to human contact. And then by generously reflecting that back to me. I am going to save your comment and print it out. I am so so glad that you and Wilma are in the world. I really am, Ann Marie. Thank you. Love, Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog ..Lifting the Lid on Age and Death
Robin, thank you for your beautiful words. Sponsorship is in full flow here, I see you clearly and I see Wilma clearly; kindered spirits. Love Ann-Marie