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All conversations are not equal in intimacy.
Our holiday in Vietnam! My daughter and I made it happen by intimate conversations.
Wow, I am excited by all the conversations that have sprung up around listening, making requests, right of refusal and questions.
What an awesome way to deal with these elements of this WomenLikeMe topic called ‘How to Create our World through Conversation’.
Ann-Marie and I have certainly had our hands full with this topic and its practices and we thank you all for your commenting, as it validates for us that this is not as simple as it seems.
I find it very exciting to finally see HOW I can now choose to manifest a great base camp by connecting intimately with my sponsors or HOW I can choose to ignore my lack of conversation skills and thus continue to go it alone and stay small.
It is useful to realize that through conversation;
- we make things happen
- we get through the day
- we sort out our relationships
WomenLikeMe also states;
“Before anything happens there is a conversation that precedes it.
That conversation is a necessary preamble that sets two or more people up to effectively act together or to coordinate action.”
(WomenLikeMe on How to Create our World through Conversation)
There are three different types of conversations that eventually lead progressively to intimacy that supports sponsorship.
Every type of conversation has a different interaction with a listening that has a different intention.
The three types are;
- conversation for social integration to suss each other out and get to know each other
- conversation for shared understanding to deepen our intimacy and understanding
- conversation for coordinating action to effectively end up working together to make an awesome expedition happen
Each of these conversations has a different level of intimacy, and a different intent with the listening and the sharing.
Let’s explore social integration a bit further as we already have a sense of shared understanding and coordinated actions by having covered asking questions and making requests.
Social integration is the first type of conversation that takes place when people meet.
The pattern is determined by culture and to be effective one needs to know the culture.
Different countries do social integrations differently and so do people of different age groups, religions and professions for example.
Social integration is done by talking very superficially about very non threatening subjects and looks like the talking that happens at work around the coffee machine on a Monday morning.
It is the social lubricant in the early stages of connecting or reconnecting in any social setting.
At this level of conversation most listening is usually very light and the level of intimacy very low.
We actually do not expect to be listened to, we do not expect requests at this stage and we certainly do not expect too many personal questions.
If you have ever tried to get down to business straight away, you know that without some form of social integration you are dead in the water. People will look at you as if you come from Mars and will not play with you.
What I’m talking about here is light weight social interaction and everybody attunes their listening and their intimacy expectations to that level.
However and this is the big however . . . most of us stay at this first level of conversation and never move beyond, onto the next stage.
If you look closely at relationships, many couples, families or friends do not go beyond social interaction.
They joke, they talk about insignificant things and never reach intimacy by exploring personal questions to deepen further understanding.
Sex, money, careers, child rearing, household chores, beliefs, future dreams stay very much unexplored terrain.
Shared understanding is never reached and thus many people cannot literally get their act together to get on to bigger things and bigger expeditions.
To get one’s act together, one needs to go beyond superficial talk.
One needs to be daring enough and allowed to dive deeper into intimacy to reach shared understanding to come to coordinated action.
There are tons of examples of people staying stuck at this level in their relationships and thus they can never play a bigger game. All they do is work together to have life work out, but not much else is happening.
I certainly experienced this with my first husband.
In the beginning we tried to move to shared understanding and greater intimacy but as our listening was judgmental and pre occupied with our own insecurities and personal agendas we did not feel safe enough to proceed to greater intimacy. Thus we safely returned to social integration and only coordinated enough to have daily life work out.
Granted we did move to New Zealand but once here nothing much changed.
For a long time I accepted this level of interaction as I did not know what else to expect or do and at least it worked to coordinate daily living. However we both felt we missed something and we both felt that things moved along with friction rather than with grace.
It was not until I met my great listener Glenda that I realized how things could be different and how we were clipping each other’s wings.
With John I see what is possible once you move past social integration; the way we coordinate action is phenomenal.
We get things done, we make each other fly and life has become one big adventure.
However social integration can work and can be acceptable when you do not know any better or you cannot for the life of you move past it. And you also don’t want to give up your relationship.
John’s parents are in the social integration camp obviously. They do not have intimacy with each other and they do not have it with me or John.
They are complaining about each other, they do not have as good a time as they could have, but they have established a pattern they are content with and it works for them.
The same goes for children.
With one daughter I cannot move past social integration and with the other one I have reached an awesome level of intimacy. Thus with one, all I can accomplish is a monthly one hour lunch date.
During lunch all we talk about is clothes and make up. And if I am lucky I might get snippets of information about how she is doing. However when I want to move onto asking more personal questions or when I request more time with her to increase the chance of getting intimate, a wall goes up and I get a no. I am firmly kept at the social integration level. And that is how it is and for the moment the only level I can play at.
Obviously not much else is happening between us and a lot of potential and possibility is left dormant.
It is a totally different story with the other daughter.
We talk intimately on the phone for hours and hours, calls from which she is benefiting by asking questions and thus getting to understand life better. She is certainly using me as a sponsor as you can read in this post.
And when we get together, we have a great time. We spent three awesome weeks in Vietnam where we learned heaps about each other and we got to observe how each of us adjusted to this different culture.
She and I are intimate and thus can coordinate action to have extraordinary, rich experiences together.
I am holding the space for that to happen with my other daughter as well and in the meantime social integration is keeping our relationship alive for now.
Having gotten this distinction, it has helped me with understanding what had been going on between my former husband and I, is going on with my daughters, how I relate to my sister and some of my friends and it has explained why some people seem to fly together and why others keep clipping each other wings.
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23 Comments to “All conversations are not equal in intimacy.”
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Wilma, as you know this has me thinking. How many of my relationships am I treading water in by staying at the social integration stage? And why? Huummmm
Am I hanging on to these superficial ones and if so, for what? So many questions!
I can see how important listening and asking questions are to go beyond this and create intimacy and have my relationships soar and be extraordinary. These relationships, like the one I have with one of my sisters, are so much fun. We bounce off each other, there is no work involved, no pressure, no pulling of teeth!
I also realize that some of my relationships will remain at the social integration level, like the one I have with my other sister, who is a different kettle of fish altogether. We don’t get along all that well.
The huge stretch for me is to accept that with her I will not have such a good relationship, to accept what is so and to keep it at social integration level as I want this relationship to continue.
Wilma, you’re right, all relationships are not created equally. And learning this and evaluating where my relationships are at has been valuable. I have clarity which will lead to freedom, acceptance and love.
Thanks for working through this with me buddy.
Hey Ann-Marie, it sure has been a journey to untangle what we create with people in our world.
It also has been interesting to see with whom can we create what.
In nature you cannot force an apple tree to become a beanstalk.
Just like you, one of my realizations has been that with some people you can indeed create great mutual sponsorship and with others you cannot.
And then you can choose how to continue that relationship like I do with my other daughter.
For me it has given me back leadership with my relationships; leadership with my tribes as Seth Godin would say.
Before this I had no idea what was actually happening and as you say; I hung onto relationships that were draining rather than serving me and all that did was have me feel bad. I was losing a lot of energy in keeping the status quo rather than creating an extraordinary life.
Hmm, the things we, as works in progress, learn from each other!!!
Wilma,
I love this topic! “I can choose to ignore my lack of conversation skills and thus continue to go it alone and stay small.” In the moments fear overtakes faith–and believe me, they do happen–I consciously think wow, I’d like to isolate a bit. I know how dangerous that is though, and usually isolation for me means that I am on the verge of making a wrong choice and I’d like not to share it with anyone. So, I know to call a close friend, get out in the open, walk or run, do anything but isolate. My best friend says even on my worst days when I think I am “closed” I am not–she is correct–I cannot overcome the fact that I love the energy from interacting with people and interact almost automatically. If I have a “shell” it is almost against my nature to stay in it:)
“When we get things done, we make each other fly and life is one big adventure”. How fulfilling. And exactly what relationships are “supposed” to do for us. To mutually help us to heal and grow and learn, and expand our world far beyond our own imaginations. By openly sharing our intimate selves–our thoughts, ideas, skills, resources, we help those around us to fly. Some people have so many barriers it’s almost impossible to interact, and I know for myself, if I am closed in any way, the culprit is yet again fear overshadowing faith. I know each person is placed in my life for a reason and am always excited to see what it is they have to share or how do they best benefit from knowing me. Well, I said “always excited” which is an exaggeration because sometimes they are there to help me learn a lesson that will require work on my part and in those cases I am often less than excited to begin the work, but glad to be on the path:)
Hi Joy
That is an interesting observation you share here;
When you stop interacting it is because you fear for what you will see or what it will open up when you are on the verge of making a possible wrong decision.
That is so interesting as I too can remember not wanting to talk any further with my father when he in a private talk before my wedding, said to me that I could consider not going through with the wedding.
I choose not to continue this conversation to my detriment I might add.
From reading your blog I can see how your ability to interact intimately with yourself as well as others is opening you up and letting fear go.
We need others, however we need to move towards a culture of creating that space and our fear shows that we are definitely not there yet.
However people in fear, like animals can attack and it is hard to get through their shell. Lovingly carefully approaching is a way to go and that is what I am doing with my daughter for example.
I love your honesty about nearly always being excited about learning opportunities, I too am not always excited either.
The funny things is, if I know I have great teachers/people around me I trust, the learning opportunities are easier to handle. Although still scary, with loving people it is easier to go through them, so isolation works against that. On my own I would be a mess and making things even scarier or I would back off completely. Having WomenLikeMe is great in that respect, being in it together is making it easier to go through till the end and let me tell you hearing all your stories helps too.
As you, I too love to be at least working on being the change I want to see. What else are we here for?
Hi Wilma – I really like the way you lay out the three different types of conversations, and share examples of them. I never before thought of conversations this way, although I do know many of the basic social integration conversations leave me wanting, perhaps because I spend much of my work time in shared understanding conversations. I’ve also had a relationship that shifted from one to the other. For many years my brother and I, who live fairly close to one another, saw each other infrequently, and our conversations were minimal at best, and only basic chit chat. Then our brother died, very unexpectedly. It was a wake up call, and I reached out to my brother and suggested we see each other more often, for lunch once a month. Although this meant much more contact, I never expected it to get past the basic social integration conversation. But over the past three years we have both come to value our growing intimacy, and even he admits now that he is surprised by this. So here we are, he in his sixties, me in my fifties, taking our relationship to a new level. I guess it just goes to show that it’s never too late.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..A Large State of Fear
Hi Patty.
Oh wow, you show so beautifully where the wealth lies in life, in our connectedness with the people that show up in our lives.
In the end it is the love shared between people that counts and I can imagine how you treasure your relationship with your brother. Isn’t it wonderful, that feeling of love that is now shared between the two of you.
I also admire you both for doing that as a result of your other brother. What better way to really honor your other brother’s life with a better relationship amongst the living.
He left a legacy that is priceless, an intimate relationship between his two other siblings.
Patty, thank you soo soo much for showing what intimacy and going beyond social integration has to offer us. We have so much wealth and love lying dormant because of our inability to go beyond the superficial chit chat.
My heart hurts and at the same time is also excited at the possibility of us connecting at a deeper level.
As you can see I really appreciate that you have added so beautifully to the understanding.
Hugs Wilma
Wilma,
. A lot of people open up to me, my mom, and my sister, we always tease and say it is a gene.
This is wonderful. I am very good light conversation, and putting people at ease.
I call it my Grandma questions
My second husband would not go into intimate conversation, he barely talked about his past. I could never break that shell. It was very sad, and a very tough way to live.
I’ve always been an open person, maybe too open, but it works for me.
Great thought provoking post, again!
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Sunday’s Healthy Reflection
Hi Angelia, I love the expression grandma questions as they conjure up an image of comfort and warmth.
Social integration is to put people at ease, for sure and has a great place at the start of any conversation.
And obviously as well as a gene, it is a learned and role modeled skill in your family.
Now your daughter will as well?
Yes, some people stay in their shell and will not come out and although it is their choice they are missing out, don’t they?
Good on you for choosing the ‘no play’ option as it does restrict the level you can play at.
I see it with my daughters, there is a totally different level of playing going on when there is intimacy.
In the end I too reckon being open is good and I find it a learning process to set boundaries about what I tell whom, don’t you think? And even so, when people do not respect the information they are getting, in the end I have nothing to hide.
So lets truck on in connecting with people and be glad we have the skills to do so. Your clients are lucky, love Wilma.
Hi Wilma,
I am always fascinated at how some people stay in the social integration stage. I know many women who are very quick to get physically intimate with a man but when you ask them about emotional intimacy, they look at me like I have three heads. To me emotional intimacy is more valuable than the physical because it is more important. You can get physically intimate without really risking anything but emotional intimacy is huge because that is when two souls really can come together.
Personally, if someone cannot get beyond the social integration level, I really do not have patience with it. Life is short and time is precious. I do not want to waste it with someone who is stuck in appearances. Many of my relatives are at this stage and let me tell you, it is very hard to talk to someone who is just stuck in appearances. Talking with them is like talking with a machine. Not fun or insightful. So I try to be polite and end up listening more than talking. John’s parents sound like many of my relatives. It is very frustrating to have family members who are immersed in social integration. In my case, my relatives are very judgmental as a result and it is just a disaster dealing with them.
I think part of the problem is that people feel pressured to be perfect. Let’s face it, no one is perfect and once you are at peace with who you are, it is easier to be open with people. At least that is how it was for me. When I was really insecure, I would put on a mask and never open up out of fear. However, when I began to love myself, I did not care anymore about how things looked. So I became an open book. Not everyone is comfortable with that and I do know that some people do get freaked out by how open I am but no worries. Life is short…why waste it by not really engaging in it?
Hi Nadia
I resonate with everything you say about staying stuck at the social integration level. Why bother when you do not have to, when you can see how limiting it is.
Oh family are usually the worst. You would think they would be the most interested in finding out about you and they are not. Do not most of us bloggers realize that our relatives do not read our blogs?!
When my sister came to visit with her daughter, I told her daughter what her mother would say about my cooking. And yes, after her first meal, she did utter the very comment I predicted and that after having not been in my house for over 25 years.
Would nothing change in over 25 years? According to my sister, apparently NOT.
However I do not expect anything else so it becomes a matter of loving them as they are, as you obviously do too and try not to get too frustrated.
It is such a shame when you come from knowing what is possible and yet if they cannot see it, than we are stopped.
Isn’t it funny that when you see what is possible, you get less tolerant to waste your time with superficial nonsense.
It is so much richer to dive deeper and to get the wealth from a soul to soul connection.
AND I can see how others can be freaked out by your openess, people still cannot just be with the person who is in front of them and let what is in front of them unfold. However I am not taking it personal, they can also not do that with life. If they could do it with life, they could do it with me. On both occasions they are missing out.
As always Nadia, I love how you enrich the topic, hugs to you and also thanks for sharing so openly here and on your own blog.
Wilma,
I’m always the one, and I accept this, that has to bring up the deep stuff that would otherwise be hidden under the rug with my husband. However he is willing to discuss things and even make changes once the conversation is started.
Last week I was thinking about your posts and decided to connect with two friends. One I met for coffee and had a heart to heart conversation. The other I spent the day with laughed and had fun. Reconnected with both basically.
One of my daughters and I currently have no relationship. For whatever reason she can’t get past her childhood stuff. I can only ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. Which I have over and over.
Last year I stayed away for a few months because I felt personally attacked while with her. Then eventually we reunited and I thought things were going well. Not!
So again I distanced myself to protect myself.
So a few months ago I decided to spend one year a part from her. This time instead of seeing it as protecting myself I’m looking at it as working on “my stuff” weather it has to do with her or not.
I’m not sure in a year she’ll want to see me or if she’ll ever forgive me. I do have a support group where I bring this up and ask for input ocassionaly.
What has happened for me that is different is I’ve let go…let go of needing and wanting her in my life. Let go of the pain of losing her love…let go of my part in the codependency in the relationship.
I am at peace.
I do believe we are in relationship with people even if they aren’t physically in our lives. The relationship is in the way we think of them or speak of them.
Today I silently see her with a smile on her face. I send her prayers, blessings and love and only wish the best for her.
Who knows how it will work itself out or if it ever will. I can only do my part. There how’s that for intimate conversation;)
Hey Tess.
As always you deliver, this sure is an intimate conversation.
Again you are so good at accepting what is so, and that allows you to not make your initiating the in depth conversations with husband a big deal. In the end the result is what matters, not who starts first, really.
Oh, we also have to accept where our daughters are at and accept their right of refusal to go where we would like them to go.
If they choose to only hear what they want to hear and to see what they want to see, bless them.
It is interesting to know that we can still choose not to interact with them on their terms and how we can choose not to be treated like that.
We can opt for no play when they are out to just attack us and that is very powerful.
It is not an option we often take, but when we do it can be a very good one, for all of us.
Why go to war when peaceful retreating is an option?
However we can still always hold a place in our hearts for them, not much different from God waiting till we return.
It is funny what you said about your friends, I recently have invited a friend too who I haven’t seen since we moved over here.
Work in progress we are, for sure and it is even better when we can progress in company we like.
So lets progress on, sister
Hi Wilma!
This is a wonderful post. You describe the different types of interaction so well with great examples. I had one very special friendship that ended last year. I still mourn its loss. For the longest time I thought we had a friendship of shared understanding. But I came to find out that her intimacy could only stretch to the confines of social integration. After some time I realized that she could only be so honest about herself, and she was too insecure to open up and meet me authentically. And so the clipping of wings that you refer to started happening. Eventually we were so hurt the friendship faded away. I understand what happened and so I’m okay. But I do mourn the lost opportunity for a really deep and lasting friendship with her.
Anyway, this post is excellent. I think that when we understand these different types of interaction we navigate relationships with much more compassion. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences in your explanations. xo, Jodi
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Forgiveness, Letting Go, and Freedom
Hi Jodi.
Oh, accepting what is so when you can see what is possible is a hard one.
I sometimes so want to bang people’s head against the wall to wake them up, but I guess that might not be the best solution
It is tempting though.
So sad when people are not able to open up, even when they have no reason to be afraid of you.
I always wonder how come that people can resist such an invitation, but then they obviously can and opening up must be more frightening than going it alone.
It shows how hurt some of us are and how they are missing out on a rich experience.
I can see how that makes you sad.
There are so many opportunities that keep staying dormant because people do not want to play beyond a certain level.
However if we start to see beyond this current world that is geared to make us fearful, all is not lost.
In the end it is good to move on from people who do not want to play full out, and it is hard to let go as we keep hoping and feeling sorry for them.
However I am pleased you have let go, you do not deserve wing clipping, you deserve to soar my friend. Love Wilma
Hi Wilma .. interesting .. and yes what you say is true. My mother and I have never been particularly close, but we got on well and we’re interested in the same things – however before her strokes, things weren’t happy. Since her strokes she has said she’d have never have got this far without me .. and I guess the things I’ve done for her – mainly the communication and interesting topics that we can chat about or interact with; and she’s said she never realised she had such a wonderful daughter – yes it brings tears to my eyes. My uncle was the same.
For some reason .. the family is not like that – and I have to say I get terribly frustrated – particularly with their lack of ability to acknowledge and say thank you – perhaps I haven’t done much .. but it doesn’t seem that way to me or to my mother or my uncle.
However by a friend with a knowledge of these things I’ve been told that I am at different level and that therefore I must accept them for where they are at .. but gosh it’s difficult. We’re a small family – none of us has children .. so frankly it can be ‘boring’ .. the same old things and the same old expectations –
I can see the differences now between some friends and others .. and thank you for drawing the distinctions.
The other aspect briefly – the oldies – the people who’ve been through the war and hard times have experienced much and there weren’t the support groups around – hence perhaps their inability to understand the situation. My mother possilby had this challenge: father died at 2, mother remarries someone she doesn’t like, left in England with families she didn’t much like, first husband killed at 20, brother killed in the war, a difficult 2nd husband (our father) and a few other things .. but now she is being amazingly perceptive about her state – when she ‘comes to’ as such -
and keeps the staff and me on our toes!!
I liked the way you phrase the 3rd phase: “We get things done, we make each other fly and life has become one big adventure” and for those who are happily married or together – it is great to see .. and despite my problems with my brothers they are both happily married – thank goodness – whereas there are lots of couples like your John’s parents.
Thanks – Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hilary´s last blog ..Iron Curtain or a rich Green Natural Wilderness
Hi Hilary.
Life experiences can change relationships for better or for worse.
Sometimes they can increase appreciation and understanding and closeness like with your mother and other times they create an even bigger gap when the others really do not want to know what is going on for you like with your family.
Shortsightedness does not only relate to a disfunction of the eyes.
Yes, often you can only give love when you feel you have received enough and good on you for realizing that and being so accepting of the ‘oldies’ because of that.
Yes, when you are more perceptive and more aware than others, their ignorance and denial can be frustrating as you must find it hard to accept they cannot see.
However be aware that others like us and your friends can!
It is indeed great to be flying and see others fly, I agree and I think you ahve done extremely well wiht your uncle and mother. All cudos for you there.
Love Wilma
You two always get me thinking, and I really appreciate that. With this post, on the one hand I understand completely what you are talking about, when you say so many of our relationships never move past the first stage. It is amazing how we can have so many people in our lives, and yet feel alone at times. I think the kind of isolation caused by this superficiality, our fear or conditioning against true intimacy and sharing, is a big problem. It is partly because of the busy pace at which we all live in today’s society too, it doesn’t encourage intimacy…
But then when you got to talking about your daughters, I was actually torn, because my mother and I have very different emotional natures. I am a more private person, and I often felt like she wanted me to share more emotionally than I wanted. It really felt like a kind of pressure coming from her, and it made me pull away. We have worked through it at this point, mostly by accepting the differences in each other’s natures, and I think that is an important distinction to make – that some people need more space than others, that we all work through things differently. So there is a difference between getting ’stuck’ in the first phase, and respecting the emotional space that some of us need, if that makes sense….
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..What I’m Reading, Watching, and Listening To…
Hi Lisa.
Isn’t it indeed interesting to realize why we still feel alone and not understood.
It made a huge difference to me and Ann-Marie to see what was going on and to see how we create intimacy in our own lives and with our children as well, that is when they allow us.
Interesting to hear that you were on the other side of the fence so to speak with fending off an enquiring mother.
I hear what you are saying about being mindful of the other person’s need when building a relationship.
It is all in the listening and giving the person the space to be who they are AND accepting their right of refusal, for sure.
There is still so much to learn and I must say sometimes I wish I have spent all my time learning this when becoming an adult rather than all the subjects at school that are so not relevant.
However we are learning it now, so all is not lost,
Thanks Lisa for showing your side, it always helps to get a 360 degree view.
Hugs Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I so agree with you on this issue. All conversations are indeed at different levels..and youre so right…social integration is where we are all getting stuck at without even realizing it.
I personally am more open..so I end up trying hard to get to the 2nd level faster…most of the time that back fires in my face…but i try…cause for some reason i feel staying in that first level isnt really fruitful for either one of us. What on earth are we learning about each other while talking about the freaking weather??
Many a times people are far more open to the more intimate kind of conversations..and feel good when someone takes the initiative to do so. I’ve noticed its mostly people who really do need someone to talk to…or vent.
I guess for me trying to and maintaining to make the other person stay in “shared understanding” is harder. The initial parts of the conversation can healthily get to shared understanding..but staying in that stage..without getting uncomfortable….now thats a deeper issue.
What do you think?
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Multiple Personality By Choice!
Hi Zeenat.
You throw up an interesting question, staying in the shared understanding stage without getting uncomfortable.
To really get what you mean, I would have like to tease out more about what you refer to.
However based on what you said I can make an attempt to answer from my perspective. If I am on the wrong tack, Zeenat, please let me know and we can talk more.
For me we cannot hold on for too long to too much intimacy because we are not used to being intimate with anybody. It scares us to be so open as we do not trust other people’s ability to respect and honor what they know about us.
We all have been hurt by people we trusted and confided in at one time or another. I have and so have you no doubt.
So when in a moment of absolute trust we open up, later our little voice will start freaking us out and giving us hell by saying how stupid we were to expose so much of ourselves and it will come up with all the worst scenarios it can think of based on past bad experiences.
So we have a lot of trust to overcome before we all can open up completely and continuously. So we open up a little bit and then we retreat to protect ourselves for getting hurt.
We all do, however some go just a bit further in opening up, like you. But I guess you too will still have things you rather not share for fear of judgment, misunderstanding or prejudice.
That is my take on it, thanks for asking the question Z, much appreciated.
Hugs Wilma.
HI Wilma,
Thx for this reply. Youre right…we do have that little voice inside that keeps nagging at us…telling us how stupid we are. More so as you say cause we are just not used to being intimate in the true sense of it.
You know what my problem is…I open up too quickly..and somehow i do manage to get the other person to open up as well….but it doesnt last from their end. And now, come to think of it…I think i have been able to hush those negative voices in my head…but i dont think everybody has done that as yet..or even realizes about those voices….and thats why this is such an important issue.
Thank you so much for broaching this topic. You ladies always get my mind jogging
Lots of love
Z
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Multiple Personality By Choice!
Wilma — Sometimes when I come to this site, I feel like I sitting around a table sharing the food of your ideas and then listening to people respond. It’s a very nice feeling.
I always read through the comments of both yours and Ann-Marie’s posts. They deepen the level of the conversation the post started.
Today, I was so struck by the comment from Tess. I have a similar issue with a member of my family. We still talk, but there’s a distance I can’t seem to overcome. I know she feels anger at me, but it’s not a topic we’re allowed to discuss.
So, we talk about other things. Still, I know there’s still an elephant in the living room and it’s hard to not face it. However, no matter how she feels, it doesn’t change the love I feel for her. At this point, I accept the relationship as she wants it to be, but it still makes me sad.
Thank you to both you and Ann-Marie for raising topics that are good for us to ponder and discuss:~)
Sara´s last blog ..The Journey Begins: Part Two
Hi Sara.
Isn’t it a privilege to have these conversations and to get a chance to learn from these shared experiences, I personally too think it is priceless.
Yes. I too did appreciate Tess’ comment AND Lisa’s comment and now yours.
It is good to appreciate that there are all the different levels and that we have when we are open to listening and observing what is so.
If there is a distance in the relationship that we cannot overcome as you too experience isn’t it powerful and valuable that we can accept what is so and then choose our position we feel most comfortable with and which adds the most value. No victim behavior or finger pointing, just accepting what is so at the moment and choose the most effective and productive and loving move forward is such a great thing to do, don’t you think?
It will always be sad to see what is possible while accepting the limitations, but at least you do no onger waste energy on something that you cannot change right now.
Good on you, and thank YOU for adding your experience.
Love Wilma