Comments on: Ann-Marie on Answering questions truthfully

By: Wilma

Wilma — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:01:24 +0000

Hey Peggy.
I too did not ask quesions when my marriage was in trouble.
I too was afraid of what that would bring up. AND that was understandable as I would not have known what to do with what would have come up.
I did not have the knowledge I now have.
It is in the learning that Ann-Marie and I are now doing that I am getting the clarity to tease out things and getting a better explanation I can do something with.

It is awesome for example that through your inquiries and the life skills you have gained, you now had that incredible interview with your husband’s ex wife. That is absolutely awesome and extremely valuable for all of you involved. WHAT an example for the children and other people for that matter.
You might have broken a circle of non communication in that family and imagine the results of that.

You champ. Big hug, Wilma

By: Ann-Marie

Ann-Marie — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:42:57 +0000

Peggy you are wonderful.
It’s thrilling to hear that you had such an awesome time with your husband’s ex-wife. What you did took courage and you went for it. Sounds like you both got something valuable out of it.

When we hold out on asking questions (especially the important ones) we end up hurting ourselves.Denial keeps us locked down. I love that you see that now for yourself and your situation. This sharing helps others to see that too.

Questions and listening are skills that need daily practice so you will get better at it and as your skill level increases so does your intimacy with the other person who also wants to be heard.

Thank you Peggy for the update, it is a valuable example of how we can be love in action. x

By: Peggy

Peggy — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 05:14:07 +0000

Hi Ann-Marie,

Thank you for sharing my comment on your post – the interview my husband’s ex-wife and I did together was *awesome* It was a great learning experience for us both.

I do know for the longest time I held out asking the important questions when my first marriage deteriorated. Most likely because I knew the answers and I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want that kind of confrontation. In hindsight, the questions would have led to a less gut wrenching, less stressful ending (I think).

Asking questions and actively listening two things I definitely want to get better at – because as much as I want to be heard and understood, so does the other person.

Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Belief

By: Ann-Marie

Ann-Marie — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:17:52 +0000

Hi Hilary, Thanks for sharing how it is for you. You certainly have highlighted that asking questions and thrashing ideas out with people is not simple.
I agree that; ‘the moment is often not right’. If this is the case then it is all about where their listening is at. If there is denial, or the need to dominate, or too much fear, then the listening is never right for intimacy and going deeper. As Wilma explained in this week’s post, we are left only with ’social integration’ as the level of conversation that is possible.
Regarding the scarcity of ‘thank yous’ that we receive, I agree. This is particularly difficult if acknowledgment is one of your love languages. Because you thrive on ‘thank yous’, you are painfully aware how scarce they are.
Wilma once shared with me that her love language also is acknowledgment and how she trained John into becoming better at acknowledging. She did that by requesting acknowledgments from him and advising him how important they were to her. That worked in her case.

By: Ann-Marie

Ann-Marie — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 23:08:37 +0000

Hi Chris
Seems to me that it is a form of denial what you’re referring to here. We hold out asking or answering because of how we think it’ll make us feel. In order to have intimacy we need to go beyond ourselves and get into the other persons world. To be present to them even if it causes us some discomfort. It is something that needs practice. Appreciate your thoughts.