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Ann-Marie on Answering questions truthfully
Hi everyone. Thanks so much for sharing your observations and experiences with asking questions in response to Wilma’s post this week.
It was so cool to read that Peggy, armed with her questions was off to do a radio interview with her husband’s ex-wife, to talk about the relationship between ex-wives and step moms. A very real example of intimacy being present rather than distance. Wouldn’t it be great if all ex-relationships were like yours Peggy!
I noticed that several of your comments gave Wilma suggestions on how to improve her relationship with John’s parents. And with the exception of Megan, no one actually asked Wilma any questions to further their understanding of the situation. Questions like; what did you do about it, do they know you better now, is it still a problem???
Huummm.
Dare I say, was this a case of listening to Wilma with our ‘helping/ problem solving’ hats on. If so the purpose of her story was missed as it was purely an example of when we don’t ask questions. Questions are such an important part of having life work for us, that is why I point this out so we can pay attention to ourselves.
The only other person to ask a question in the comments was Daphne and it was a beauty.
I do find, though, that the most important questions are often not asked, especially when it comes to private things like the status of a relationship or health. There is a level of trust that must come with answering such questions. In order to feel safe answering truthfully, we must know that the person asking does so with genuine interest and support. How do we get there?
Great question Daphne. Wilma responded:
Great question you pose here. How do we get to being safe enough to answer questions truthfully?
I believe that it is all in the listening. If we are listened to openly without judgment then we do feel safe and we are confident to answer truthfully. We usually can observe what kind of listening we have in front of us.
However, if that sort of listening is not present and it often is not, especially with those closest to us, then it takes great courage to speak truthfully into that type of conditional listening. The conditional listening I’m referring to, often still looks like loving and caring, but is still very conditional and is still not conducive to us answering questions truthfully. The listening of “I love you” can also be the listening of “and don’t hurt my feelings”. Our tendency is to speak into the listening of “don’t hurt my feelings” and it takes great courage to speak our truth into that listening.
These listening filters like ‘don’t hurt my feelings’ can be a form of ’denial’; I don’t want to hear the truth, I don’t want to know what’s so with my health or our relationship and so on …
Often those that listen from the denial filter do it so well that we don’t ask questions or tell them the truth. If this is the case we have a choice to either accept that they live in denial and also accept the limits that puts on our relationship or choose ‘no play’ and move on.
Choosing ‘no play’ can be a tough choice, however in the end, it’s a choice between being free to ask questions, telling the truth and being intimate or not.
Daphne continued the conversation and shared her concern when answering questions truthfully.
One of the things I have encountered is gossip or a lack of confidentiality. Often, the things we hear are shared not out of malice, but out of caring or concern, and even then, we have betrayed the person who shared with us… Sharing truth can be scary. Being unable to trust that the person you tell will keep what you say to themselves can undermine your ability to share.
Wilma’s response was:
Gossip is a real killer of intimacy and seems like an epidemic in our current world that is obsessed with other people’s dramas rather than authentically caring for the person’s issues.
For me the same rules apply as with responding to requests, if a gossip asks me a question I do not want the whole world to know, then I use my ‘right of refusal’ and decline to answer the question.
Not answering a question is easily done, few people even notice as they are out for drama but not really that present to want to know the information.
Most of the time they do not even notice that they are not getting an answer or I just say I do not want to talk about it.
I now use my discernment and when I feel slightly uncomfortable with the person I will not be intimate but observe their behavior for a while.
For us to have freedom with questions, we must feel free to not answer questions as well.
Thanks everyone for your very personal sharings. It makes a difference. I always feel more connected and less alone when I read about your experiences. It is interesting that no matter what culture we were brought up in, there seems to be some kind of constraint that we can get caught up in.
Finally, a question from me, are you stopping intimacy from being present in your life?
Is there a question that you are holding out on, one that you desire to have answered or one that you have been asked but avoided answering?
If the listening is there, go for it, create intimacy by having your questions answered truthfully.
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18 Comments to “Ann-Marie on Answering questions truthfully”
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Hi Ann-Marie and Wilma – Its really interesting to me that you’ve introduced denial into the conversation. I have paradoxical thoughts about denial. Much has been written about healthy denial, that without it we probably couldn’t live our lives or get through our days. And there’s certainly unhealthy denial that’s easy to recognize, the kind that involves giving our responsibility away, like denying health or relationship problems. But then there’s this middle ground, that’s much more difficult to discern. I haven’t fully processed my thoughts on this yet, so I’ll leave it at that. Thanks!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..False Evidence Appearing Real: The Movie
Hi Patty, interesting word ‘denial’. Do I hear it correctl that you see ‘denial’ as a way to cope with the bad things we see around us, like war, abuse, violence and lack of intimacy?
If that is the case, then I see it this way.
I can get into despair about what I see and use denial to cope, like what I do not see does not exist. Or I could see it and then peacefully look at what I can do here as I do have options that denial would deny me.
I can do Ho’oponopono and that is for me a great way to handle not denying what is so and still doing something about it that I feel is useful.
At other times I can see things I do not like and look at what I can do about it. If it is nothing, I do nothing and let it go out of my mind.
At other times I cope by using it as a reminder to take care that in my immediate life I am NOT in denial and will take care of relationships with people who show up in my life as best as I can.
I think what you refer to is; knowing how to accept what is so and accepting whether you can do something about it or not.
I personally do not think that denying would help me, having learned to accept what is so and having learned about integrity has been a great way to cope with the current troubled world.
Thanks for bringing this up, it is indeed a fine line between taking the whole world on and going into despair and seeing yet staying peaceful. It is possible but it takes practice.
Hello there Patty.
Words are interesting and we attach different meanings to them and we could spend some time discussing all the different aspects of denial, as you have mentioned. For me if I am unable to or ill equipped to deal with a situation I find that if I acknowledge my denial I can accept what is so for now.
The denial I’m referring to here is the one that stands in the way to having intimacy show up in our relationships. Some people are aware that it is denial and others may see it as a form of self protection, either way questions will not be asked and the opportunity to move past things into the realm of connectedness is lost.
Patty, quite rightly, this is something that does take time to process and I appreciate you sharing where you are at with this right now.
I’m not sure if I stop intimacy from being present in my life… I tend to be an open book, but now I’m wondering if I’m an honest open book, or a “safe version” of an open book? Am I completely honest with myself, and therefore completely honest with others when sharing bits of myself? Offhand, I don’t know, but this is something I will keep an eye on moving forward. Thank you.
In relation to Daphne’s comment from the last post about others sharing information that is not theirs to share — this reminded me of where I used to work. I became known among the leadership of the company as the person who could keep their mouth shut when told confidential things. I knew more company secrets than perhaps the company, itself! It was an honor, but also an interesting study in personal power. Someone close to me once remarked that knowledge is power (no big surprise there), so anyone who is power-hungry, in a sense, is a poor person to tell something confidential to. It’s like slipping drugs to a recovering drug addict and asking them to just hold onto them for awhile. There were many times when I was told a company secret by a senior person who had ALSO been told to keep their mouth shut… Yet they couldn’t. They felt compelled to tell me.
Unfortunately, I was not very keen at observing this fact until later when it was my turn to share a secret from my personal life. I told something private to the person who used to confide things to me, and asked him not to share it with anyone else. I don’t think he lasted 30 minutes before he blabbed it to his boss, which eventually got back to me. Eh, hindsight! This guy was power hungry, and for some reason sharing my confidential news made him feel powerful.
Anyhow, your post got me thinking about quite a few things today. Thanks for letting me share!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..The Ultimate Unknown
Hey Megan
Questions, questions, questions! Go you. This is what is required to move to doing things differently in life, so that it works for us. Asking questions of ourselves, evaluating ourselves and correcting ourselves will get us there. Megan you will find the answers, keep going.
You story is classic; the office gossip. It is interesting how you were the only one in an entire leadership team with the integrity to listen and respect others confidentiality.Huuumm.
It does pay to be observant so we can choose whom we share things with as there are many gossip mongers and drama lovers out there.
Hindsight is how we learn. Thanks for being so open, it helps us all.
Ann-Marie, thank you so much for using my comments in your post today. I am really flattered. I think one of the biggest factors that interferes with asking and answering questions is our abilities to communicate. Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations says a lot about asking questions without the load attached, in a way that opens the person up instead of shutting them down. This is something I am very interested in, the way we speak to people to engage them rather than pushing them away. The key is to ask the question in a way that encourages open dialogue, that draws out the truth, in a safe and supportive environment, especially when the topic is very sensitive. The way we ask and answer matters so much!
Thank you so much for continuing this conversation!
Daphne´s last blog ..Patience and Waiting
Hello Daphne
You’re welcome.
How we ask questions can influence how the other person answers and listening needs to be present also. Questions are such a huge part of our lives. Over the past two weeks these conversations have uncovered many things for us. Thanks for being part of this and there’s more to be said as we further unravel our relationship to listening and questions. Looking forward to it!
Hi Ann-Marie.
Most of my life is riddled with lack of intimacy and that is why I am so hell bent on getting it in my life as much as I can. I missed so much. My wedding lacked intimacy, my children’s birth lacked intimacy, my first marriage lacked intimacy, my mom and I on her deathbed lacked intimacy, shall I go on?
Reaching that intimate level, that level that Robin wrote about, the richness of shared understanding and real connecting, it is so beautiful, it is a crime to deny it to ourselves.
The talks we have too are so enriching, so heartwarming, so worth it, who would want to miss them and why not support others to get what we are having!
I know that publishing these posts do ask some courage from you, so good on you buddy for sharing what you observe, like about the listening to my story about John’s parents. I love you for it, Wilma
Thank You Wilma for your encouragement.
Intimacy…what a subject! Until now I have had a confusing time with this. I have collapsed many things together and thought I had connectedness which was not the case. I too am looking to develop the level of intimacy in my relationships. I now have a roadmap, an understanding and sponsorship to do it. Yes buddy! Why not support others to get what we are getting.
I agree, it is a crime to not have a deep level of intimacy in our lives. And our talks do go to that level. I value them so much. I applaud you for your commitment to have more intimacy in your life knowing that it may be a challenging road. I love your willingness to work through this stuff together and take things on.
You are a legend in my book!
Hugs to you.
I’m the one avoiding answering. I think I’ll be working on intimacy until the day I die.
Up until my 30’s I didn’t know what a boundary was. When I finally learned and established them into my life I was a different person…in a good way.
I used to be the first person to talk, talk way to much and not listen at all. Then after being confronted by someone I finally got a clue. Then my husband helped me out once when I was struggling with a friend.
Because I’m outgoing, fun and have big energy it’s easy for me to be the center of attention. He told me once to begin practicing to be the last person to speak. I agreed. My communication improved by leaps and bounds.
Now I probably hold back to much yet I like growing in to the quieter one!
I’m a work in progress you know!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..One Brave and Amazing Teenager
Hey there Tess
Why do we avoid answering certain questions? What stops us?
I too am talkative and because I also use ‘charm’ I get away with not listening or answering questions for that matter. The consequence is that I never move into shared understanding and intimacy, I stay at arms length instead…what a waste. Huummm. Aren’t we all a work in progress?
I like the idea of being the last to speak as a way of honing my listening skills and being present. Thanks for that.
Hey don’t get too quiet, the world needs bold women like you who are all for change and self expression. Your voice needs to be heard!
Hi Wilma and Ann-Marie .. it’s an interesting topic you’ve opened here and I need to come back to read and think properly when I have time.
At times the intimate questions to be answered lead to a lot of involvement, sometimes I’d like to ‘thrash’ ideas out and I’ve had a lot in the past few years .. but somehow the moment isn’t right – also quite often the answer you get to a question is the other’s opinion .. and they’re actually not answering your question.
I’ve tried to empathise with people .. and can’t believe how few ‘thank yous’ are around .. so I get totally frustrated sometimes, particularly when I’ve been really stretched to my limits with zero acknowledgement … why is it so difficult to say thank you?
Thanks .. all the best – Hilary Melton-Butcher
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Hilary´s last blog ..A is for Apple – an Apple a day keeps the doctor away …
Hi Hilary, Thanks for sharing how it is for you. You certainly have highlighted that asking questions and thrashing ideas out with people is not simple.
I agree that; ‘the moment is often not right’. If this is the case then it is all about where their listening is at. If there is denial, or the need to dominate, or too much fear, then the listening is never right for intimacy and going deeper. As Wilma explained in this week’s post, we are left only with ’social integration’ as the level of conversation that is possible.
Regarding the scarcity of ‘thank yous’ that we receive, I agree. This is particularly difficult if acknowledgment is one of your love languages. Because you thrive on ‘thank yous’, you are painfully aware how scarce they are.
Wilma once shared with me that her love language also is acknowledgment and how she trained John into becoming better at acknowledging. She did that by requesting acknowledgments from him and advising him how important they were to her. That worked in her case.
Thanks for this. It seems to me that when we’re avoiding sharing our truth, whether it’s in the form of saying something we’ve held back or asking a question, it’s always because we want to avoid feeling a particular sensation, like a tension in our shoulders or a chill down our spine, that we expect will happen when we share. But when we realize that’s all we’re actually avoiding, it ceases to be such a big deal, and we can choose to talk to the person we’ve been withholding the truth from and get it over with.
Hi Chris
Seems to me that it is a form of denial what you’re referring to here. We hold out asking or answering because of how we think it’ll make us feel. In order to have intimacy we need to go beyond ourselves and get into the other persons world. To be present to them even if it causes us some discomfort. It is something that needs practice. Appreciate your thoughts.
Hi Ann-Marie,
Thank you for sharing my comment on your post – the interview my husband’s ex-wife and I did together was *awesome*
It was a great learning experience for us both.
I do know for the longest time I held out asking the important questions when my first marriage deteriorated. Most likely because I knew the answers and I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want that kind of confrontation. In hindsight, the questions would have led to a less gut wrenching, less stressful ending (I think).
Asking questions and actively listening two things I definitely want to get better at – because as much as I want to be heard and understood, so does the other person.
Peggy
Peggy´s last blog ..Belief
Peggy you are wonderful.
It’s thrilling to hear that you had such an awesome time with your husband’s ex-wife. What you did took courage and you went for it. Sounds like you both got something valuable out of it.
When we hold out on asking questions (especially the important ones) we end up hurting ourselves.Denial keeps us locked down. I love that you see that now for yourself and your situation. This sharing helps others to see that too.
Questions and listening are skills that need daily practice so you will get better at it and as your skill level increases so does your intimacy with the other person who also wants to be heard.
Thank you Peggy for the update, it is a valuable example of how we can be love in action. x
Hey Peggy.
I too did not ask quesions when my marriage was in trouble.
I too was afraid of what that would bring up. AND that was understandable as I would not have known what to do with what would have come up.
I did not have the knowledge I now have.
It is in the learning that Ann-Marie and I are now doing that I am getting the clarity to tease out things and getting a better explanation I can do something with.
It is awesome for example that through your inquiries and the life skills you have gained, you now had that incredible interview with your husband’s ex wife. That is absolutely awesome and extremely valuable for all of you involved. WHAT an example for the children and other people for that matter.
You might have broken a circle of non communication in that family and imagine the results of that.
You champ. Big hug, Wilma