Are you new here? This explains the blog
RSS
Prefer posts delivered to your inbox? Just pop your email address in below and click 'GO'.
Recent Posts
- Wilma’s friends on Our desires are the Great Unknown
- She has no desires only goals.
- Wilma’s friends on Intimacy has consequences
- Ego rejects love and intimacy.
- Wilma’s friends on Captaining our own Life
- Allow yourself to be lovable and shine.
- Wilma’s friends on Doing love to be Lovable.
- Are we lovable enough to attract love?
- Wilma’s friends on Honesty in relationships
- How I got to honesty.
- Wilma on Our ego cannot exist in ‘Heaven on Earth’
- What are your issues with migrating to ‘Heaven on Earth’?
- Wilma on If only the WomenLikeMe way was this easy.
- We are looking for our new home the WomenLikeMe way.
- Wilma on Paying Attention.
Further Reading
Where I am coming from
Categories
Search this site
Questions, the doors to our hearts.
John built this boat by asking questions.
When I first met John’s parents I expected at least some questions.
But I got none.
Not getting a single question made me feel really uneasy; it made me feel unwelcome, as if they did not care about me, as if I did not count.
Of course they cared but the fact that they never asked anything made it very hard for me to give them some information about the woman their son was living with.
How do you volunteer information about yourself when not invited by questions?
Thus they got to know very little about me.
So how can they relate to me when I am virtually a stranger to them?
How can we create any intimacy and personal relatedness when there is nothing to talk about other than the weather and the color of the blooming bougainvillea?
I see a friend of mine struggling with questions too.
Her son’s career takes him all over the world and when he married his wife knew that travel would be in store for her.
However after several years in their marriage, my friend’s daughter-in-law has returned to New Zealand to pick up her career, sick of all the travel and having nothing to do. They now live separate from each other, spending only a few days together every second month.
My friend expressed her obvious concern but when I gently inquired if she had asked what was going on, she said that she hadn’t as she did not want to interfere.
I know that this line of questioning could be considered out of bounds but after all, it is her son and her questioning might actually unleash some inquiry into a solution that eludes everybody at present.
Her inability to ask questions has her judging her daughter-in-law as being wrong and it is affecting their relationship.
She admitted that she struggles to be supportive of her daughter-in-law who she feels, has abandoned her son.
With her ignorance about what is really going on, she has put herself into a position where she can add little or no value which also affects the flow of love.
Luckily my culture and my work has taught me to ask questions; lots of personal questions which means I know a fair amount of what is going on in people’s life.
As people feel that I come from a genuine interest in knowing more about them, I seldom meet barriers to deepening the conversation this way.
I would never have stopped John’s parents from asking me questions; on the contrary it would have made me feel they had an interest in me.
With my questions I pick up on clues that pop up in conversations.
For instance, my sister and her husband had planned a trip to New Zealand and they were bringing their adult daughter with them.
One day, close to their arrival my sister rang me to announce that her daughter was bringing someone with her.
I thought the way she said it was weird so I asked; ”Who is this someone?”
My sister answered; “A friend.”
I could have left it at that but I had to know more; “What kind of friend do you mean, is it a boy friend?”
She then said; “It is a girl friend. She just told me she is in a lesbian relationship and although I am fine about lesbian relationships in principle, I am struggling to get used to it now it is so close to home.”
This opened the door to us having a fantastic intimate talk.
Thank God I was not stopped by thoughts that all this was none of my business, because I would have missed out on this deeper understanding of what was going on for my sister.
I could have left my sister hanging there and then, after the call moaned to John about how awfully small minded she was.
Questions open doors and WomenLikeMe has this to say about it;
As we share things about our self to someone who is genuinely interested, intimacy, love and compassion grows.
As we better understand others, our being judgmental declines, misunderstandings clear up, the doors to forgiveness open, we are better positioned to solve problems and love is allowed to flow.
All this becomes possible from asking questions free from our own agendas.
(WomenLikeMe on How to Create our World through Conversation)
Asking questions can also add tremendous value at a very practical level.
John is a class act to go shopping with, if you can handle it.
Building his own 28′ sail boat with no formal skills taught him how to ask, because he never just buys any tool or material, with his questions he buys education as well.
It is amazing how he keeps asking questions until he is fully satisfied that he knows all there is to know and he can get the best use out of the tools or material he buys.
It is funny though, in these situations I am NOT good at asking questions and obviously NOT good at listening either.
I think ”Will you just buy the damn thing, go home and read the manual, be independent!”
So I find myself making faces to stop him from, what I consider to be annoying the sales person. I’m just itching to grab his sleeve and drag him out of the shop.
All this is totally unnecessary behavior on my part, because both the sales person and John always have a ball. The sales person loves sharing knowledge with a genuine customer who pays attention and John loves learning.
Hmm.
Related Posts
40 Comments to “Questions, the doors to our hearts.”
Leave a reply
Subscribe to comments with RSS or TrackBack to 'Questions, the doors to our hearts.'.
Wilma, as you said questions opens up doors to intimacy & love. I agree whole heartedly. I come from a culture where it is impolite to ask personal questions. It’s considered ‘none of our business to interfere’, it’s best to just leave the person to it. No wonder there are so many unhappy souls walking around this planet.
Knowing & recognizing this about myself has allowed me to move beyond the perceived rudeness to ask these questions when there is a need to do so.
I’m reminded of when we were kids. My youngest sister was born with a physical disability and wore leg braces and crutches. As a result she was someone of great interest to others especially kids. We’d be in the grocery store and a child would yell out “Mom look at her, what’s on her legs?” or “Mom what’s wrong with that girl?”
Most of the time the parents, red faced and flustered would hush the child up and drag them away all the while giving us an embarrassed smile.
Not a hope of any shared understanding there.
Funny thing is that my sister was so used to questions being asked as our family openly welcomed them; they were key to having a shared understanding between family, friends and neighbors of her and her disability.
So she decided to change things and when kids asked their questions, she would openly reply “I need these leg braces and crutches to walk”. Mystery solved. The response would invariably be “Okay”. The incredible thing was that there was immediate acceptance also. Without questions assumptions would have been made about my sister and her disabilities. People would have shied away from her with a total misunderstanding of her and the person she is.
Children teach us so much in life. They strive for understanding and connectedness with others.
Hugs Ann-Marie
Hey Ann-Marie, great point. Children do ask questions and guess what, most of the time their questioning is indeed not welcomed. We even call the 2 year olds who try to make sense of the world by questioning, the terrible twos.
And all they are doing is authentically questioning why it has to be that way and look how we react. They must push a button somehow and to be honest though, questioning has been disturbing for me at times too and I can see that it can be disturbing for most of us.
It makes me think about things I sometimes do not want to think about; like why do we go to work that we do not like, why are we not listening, why are we so angry, why be so afraid, why are we so stopped to do things in a way that actually would let us be self expressed rather than keep us the timid people we mostly are, why do we not dare to bring up our children in a way our heart wants us to. It is these terrible twos type questions that hurt, ouch.
And yet, as Chris says too, questions asked from a certain listening can reveal a lot and guide your thinking to possibilities that are hidden inside you.
Good for your sister to handle questions so well, as indeed she is different and she will attract attention. Her being able to handle these questions shows how she is owning her disability and the consequences when she ventures into public.
Hmm, am I able to handle questions like; what are we really on about with WomenLikeMe, am I able to handle questions about who I am?
Am I able to ask you what is going on when I feel that things get on top of you?
Am I ready to answer your questions about my fears and worries? Hmm.
Oh another topic to get our teeth into, are you ready buddy? Love Wilma.
Oh Wilma you’ve asked some crackers there.
Am I able to answer those questions? Huummm now that’s got me thinking.
Some I can confidently answer, others I’m still feeling my round, however I’m not totally in the dark cause I have the WomenLikeMe program and you as my sponsors and through that I can get the clarity I need to come up with these answers.
Ohh a whole other topic indeed …huuummm
Too bad for John’s parents because they are missing out on wonderful YOU! I can see being in your position it would feel they are uninterested but maybe it’s against their culture like Anne Marie says.
In that situation I would send them I’m thinking of you cards. I would call them on the phone and ask them what’s new. If they don’t talk I would tell them what was new with me. Those are a few of the things I would do and then if they didn’t respond to any of that I would conclude they aren’t interested in me and leave them alone. It’s great that you don’t take this personally because it’s not about you!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Nothing Changes Until Something Changes
Hey Tess. It is against the Kiwi culture to ask questions, you are spot on AND I got to see how debilitating it is. Again getting awareness via observing and learning from our experiences is where the gold lies and what eventually allows us to do things differently.
These are all examples to advocate becoming aware of the invisible. I was not aware of my non questioning in shops for example, that was invisible to me. I am now as this topic brought it to the surface!
With John’s parents I slowly volunteered information when they were more comfortable and I too was more at ease. When I told them about my daughters, my upbringing and life in Holland they were interested of course. However I did have to find a way in to start talking about more personal things and make them feel at ease with receiving that.
If I was more timid and less aware though we might still be talking about the weather.
I too am very happy that I was not taking it personal, you can see how that would have made life hard for all of us.
Oh, the pitfalls that make us judge each other badly, they are numerous.
I think your son-in-laws must be very happy with an in-law like you.
I trust you ask them a lot!
Hi Wilma!
Wow, indeed another culture! No questions? Sorry but I have the giggles over this. My kids, in bringing home their “possible mate candidates” would have LOVED us not to ask questions! But by golly we did – and continue to – so they give warnings to people I’m sure! haha!
I did, however, experience what you went thru – with my in-laws and it wasn’t cultural. They were very difficult people to get to know. I asked to see photo albums of my husband as a child. That sort of got some conversation going and allowed me to tell a bit about my childhood. I noticed my mother-in-law always wore aprons in the kitchen, so I made her one. She was shocked – she didn’t know I sewed so that got a wee bit stuff out. You might just have to be a bit of a detective. My husband told me of trips they’d taken around the world so once I went in with queries about that. It was tough – they weren’t what I’d call warm people. But they were who they were and I just had to work hard on it.
I’m so glad you know enough not to get bummed out and take it personally. Some people are just a bit socially bankrupt, culture or not. Hang in there! You are too wonderful for them not to notice!
Hugs,
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..Live This Very Moment and Dream On
Oh SuZen, I just can see it for me, the whole situation of your kids rolling their eyes at your questioning of the candidates.
However I bet in the end everybody is the better for it and at least you can get to intimacy.
Good on you!
When my youngest daughter went to Holland, she is born here in this non asking culture, I warned her about the barrage of questions that would be fired at her and then trained her in it. She absolutely was convinced I was having her on, but I stuck to my guns and when she came back she was so surprised that they did and that I knew!
Ha, mothers of our kind know everything hey SuZen.
I know it is not unkindness from John’s and your husband’s parents, just not used to showing an interest and feeling awkward about personal stuff I guess.
Yes, I do agree, when you do not know any better and take it personal, wow everybody is in trouble.
Quality of listening and observing coming from generosity and asking questions is extremely helpful in those situations, as you say doing detective work and that being genuinely interested will make it work, for your relationship sake.
It comes down to a willingness to connect and to generously work on it as you say.
If we did this with all people, the world would absolutely be a better place and all the cultural issues would be interesting but not seen as a hindrance or something to judge.
SuZen, you are a pal and nobody can say WE are not paying attention to our in-laws and at least we know what to buy them for Christmas, ha!
Hi Wilma – I love that you’re exploring this part of questioning. I’ve experienced what you have. I tend to be reluctant to share if others don’t ask questions of me. I suppose I worry about being one of those conversation hogs we talked about in earlier posts. But I am good at asking open ended questions, and I see how others open up to it. My husband though, unlike John, is not a questioner! Part of his Midwestern upbringing, I think. Whenever he tells me stories about his work mates, I’m always amazed at what he doesn’t know. And he’ll say, “No I didn’t ask about that.” But for the most part, people want to be asked! Except for “why” questions. I have a dear friend who constantly asks “why” questions, and it can feel like being under fire. But we’ve talked about it, and all is good now.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Education: A Good Thing
Hi Patty.
Appropriate questions sure make the connection flow a lot better and they do make me too a lot less afraid of feeling that I hog the conversation.
We are all so timid around each other, any skill that can improve intimacy and shared understanding is welcome in my book.
Asking appropriate, quality questions is then the next level we can move on to and yes open ended questions are wonderful to give people an opening to volunteer information they choose to share. You are right on the dot there.
‘Why’ questions are in a special category and good on you for tackling your friend and having her aware that there are more valuable ones to ask. ‘Why’ questions can easily take us away from intimacy and into our heads. In my experience they are often distraction questions that avoid looking at what is actually going on, instead prefering the intellectual activity of talking about ‘why’.
Isn’t it interesting to notice your husband’s lack of information because of lack of questioning?
And indeed people are itching to get a chance to talk more intimately, but most of us only do it by invitation and questions are great invitations. It shows how shut down we have become and where does that leave us with getting along?
Patty, I love your additions to this inquiry, hugs Wilma
I wonder if, with John’s parents for example, you could have asked his mother, for example, what her experiences were raising kids, or being married or something that you know both of you would have in common (besides the weather) that would allow you to know more about her intimately. Then you could have related some of who you were back during those conversations. That’s tough – as you pointed out. How long has it been now, and do they know you better? If so, how did it happen?!! (Inquiring minds!)
I appreciate it when people ask me different kinds of questions – unexpected questions to get to know me better, and as a result, I try to do the same. I think, “What would I really love to know about this person?” and go from there. Maybe I dive too deeply too fast, but I haven’t been refused yet. Mostly I love knowing what motivates people’s behaviors. That just fascinates me, so I tend to ask questions along those lines.
Mmm, this was another juicy and wonderful post that will serve me well today! Thanks for sharing it.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..$1 Therapy (Awesome Free e-Book)
Dear Megan, you champ!
Thanks so much for asking
Your questions give me a chance to say that indeed I have gotten past that hurdle and I did not get stuck by their non questioning behavior.
I do believe that you have a questioning mind, you just showed it!
First not seeing it as personal was the first step, I just gave them a chance to get used to me (I will talk in my next post about social integration).
Then when they were at ease, I just volunteered information about myself over these 10 years that I have been together with John.
Over those years I have told them first about my daughters and when I noticed a real interest I slowly told them other things about myself and why my marriage failed. They still did not ask questions but I could see they did appreciate knowing more about me, so I carried on giving them what I thought they would like to know.
That is it with not getting any questions though, I have no idea that what I selected to tell them is really what they want to know. However that is something I cannot do anything about, at least they now have a broad curriculum vitae from me.
My youngest daughter is like you, she asks me millions of questions about how come people behave as they do and it does help her to not judge and to know how to deal with people, like her flat mates and her manager. It does fascinate her as well.
She is very good at asking questions of the information kind but she is not able yet to ask those personal questions about what drives people. You are ahead of her there.
Megan, I have a question for you; “do you feel that your ability to ask those questions increases your intimacy with people and lead to more powerful relationships that sponsor you?”
Thanks so much for your questions, (I really appreciated them), you do add value to all of us, big hug, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
First of all, thank you for being so open and for having such interesting posts. I personally have no problem asking questions. I grew up in an environment where people did not ask questions and I always thought that was odd. If someone does something that does not make sense to you why assume….just ask them about it. Of course, no one agreed with my approach but I went ahead and always asked. As a result, people always opened up and I always got the feeling that they somehow felt relieved that they could talk about themselves without judgment. Very rarely has someone refused to answer my question so I have been really fortunate.
And what you wrote about John when he shops, sounds like me. I ask every possible question that comes to mind and often it is funny because sometimes my questions sound as if I am an air-head. Interestingly enough, the salesperson usually will do what they can to make sure I can get things for less. I have been given coupons and discounts simply because of my questions and kindness. Also, if I go back to the store in the future, the salesperson will remember me and help me again. So it works out.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..My November Dose of Tough Love
Hi Nadia, and I enjoy the generous expression of appreciation for the blog posts, knowing they are coming from a writer like you.
Yes, somehow I am not surprised that you would be someone who would ask questions, it shows a curious mind AND one of the few ways to get information that goes deeper and deeper.
Isn’t it interesting to know that you actually can do people a service when asking questions and how at first they can be taken aback when you do it. That could stop less confident people of course, and then it is up to us to dare to carry on and not being stopped by fear about what they might think of us.
Haha, I too can see you acting like John somehow and isn’t it funny how when you show real interest that the sales people are never out to get you but usually are genuinely interested to give you the best deal.
Oh, life is full of surprises once you get over doing things a set way and follow your own inner compass and use innocent perception by asking questions.
Thanks Nadia for sharing what is possible with questions, love Wilma
I love answering questions, so I understand the assumption of disinterest when people don’t ask them. I know, however, that I often do not ask enough questions. The benefit of asking and listening is that it gets me to stop talking periodically, which is beneficial for everyone!
I do find, though, that the most important questions are often not asked, especially when it comes to private things like the status of a relationship or health. There is a level of trust that must come with answering such questions. In order to feel safe answering truthfully, we must know that the person asking does so with genuine interest and support. How do we get there?
Daphne´s last blog ..The Great Clothing Clean-out Project
Hi Daphne.
Ann-Marie can relate to your stopping to talk, she too feels that way sometimes and is learning to stop herself.
Great question you pose here. How do we get to being safe enough to answer questions truthfully?
I believe that it is all in the listening. If we are listened to openly without judgment then we do feel safe and we are confident to answer truthfully. We usually can observe what kind of listening we have in front of us.
However, if that sort of listening is not present and it often is not, especially with those closest to us, then it takes great courage to speak truthfully into that type of conditional listening. The conditional listening I’m referring to, often still looks like loving and caring, but is still very conditional and is still not conducive to us answering questions truthfully. The listening of “I love you” can also be the listening of “and don’t hurt my feelings”. Our tendency is to speak into the listening of “don’t hurt my feelings” and it takes great courage to speak our truth into that listening.
I for a long time did not have the courage to speak into that type of listening, I closed down and kept my mouth shut feeling dishonest and whatever but unable to do something.
Now I am learning to discern that I can choose when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut.
I feel more able but I am still not always able to speak up when I want to and that is fine for the moment. I am learning to discern and to choose.
Now my question to you is, “does this answer resonate and speak into your question? If not I would invite you to clarify your questions more so we can continue this conversation.”
Daphne, thanks for speaking up and asking a question. I love your willingness to play, hugs Wilma
Thank you for the detailed and thoughtful response, Wilma. I like what you said about understanding different kinds of listening. One of the things I have encountered is gossip or a lack of confidentiality. Often, the things we hear are shared not out of malice, but out of caring or concern, and even then, we have betrayed the person who shared with us. I have done this and it has been done to me. One of the important pieces of listening is remembering that the person sharing with you chose you for a reason. If they want other people to know, they will share with them. Sharing truth can be scary. Being unable to trust that the person you tell will keep what you say to themselves can undermine your ability to share.
Listening (and not talking) extends past the moment of the conversation.
Daphne´s last blog ..To All The Dogs I Have Ever Known
Thanks Daphne for responding.
I agree;
Gossip is a real killer of intimacy and seems like an epidemic in our current world that is obsessed with other people’s dramas rather than the person her/himself.
For me the same rules apply as with responding to requests, if a gossip asks me a question I do not want the whole world to know, then I use my ‘right of refusal’ and decline to answer the question.
Not answering a question is easily done, few people even notice as they are out for drama but not really that present to want to know the information.
Most of the time they do not even notice that they are not getting an answer or I just say I do not want to talk about it.
I now use my discernment and when I feel slightly uncomfortable with the person I will not be intimate but observe their behavior for a while.
For us to have freedom with questions, we must feel free to not answer questions as well.
Hope this helps.
love Wilma
Talk about freaky…I’m about to head into Boston to record a conversation with my husband’s ex-wife. We agreed to share our story with Story Corps “ex-wives and stepmoms.” She and I are on good terms but to move the conversation, we have a list of questions. For each other. And we’re sharing it with the world (or whoever will listen
)
So many stepmoms and bio moms get caught up in creating the drama and judging each other without asking questions, without getting to know each other, without realizing that they are more alike than not.
Wilma – Richard’s a lot like John. We just bought a new truck and he asked questions every step of the way. I just wanted to sign the paperwork and go home.
xo
Peggy
Peggy at Serendipity Smiles´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss
Hey Peggy, indeed how freaky and cool. It sure shows we are connected in our purpose to get connected. You and I both obviously want to really be present and listen to who is in front of us and this is how we do it. No wonder we are focused on the same subjects, ha.
Good stuff, it is so obvious when you do not know enough it is so easy to assume things and to judge. What a great initiative of the both of you.
It is amazing how valuable getting more connected is and how things get done so much more effectively.
Oh how great to set an example like this, to show what is possible.
Ending the drama for everybody’s sake and the children can at least learn how to solve problems rather than staying stuck in these bitter unnecessary battles.
With the new truck, did you listen to his questions or are you like me mostly too self absorbed with embarrassment to enjoy the free info. I am learning to listen though and to learn from this type of questioning.
Not there yet, I recently bought some magnesium and instead of taking the offer from the sales person to give me more info, I rushed out of the door. Arggh.
Peggy, you are such a contribution to so generously share your experiences, lets keep doing freaky, hugs to you, Wilma
That’s really sad about them not asking you questions
I understand it’s culture and you can’t take it personally but still…..I think I would have felt the same way as you at first.
I love asking questions, learning and figuring it all out. People, places, things….fascinating! I want to know more! The responses get my mind churning. Good stuff! Thank you for a great post and stepping into the heart of asking, listening, and receiving.
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Sunday’s Healthy Reflection
Hi Angelia, well they did get the info anyway, albeit somewhat delayed and in doses they could handle.
As you might guess, I am pleased I could see it was not personal but boy it could have been a different story if I would have thought they did not like me.
I would be too nosy not to ask, so thank goodness for that.
You obviously come from a more decent curious place with your questioning
and do you notice how your questioning is enriching your world?
Do people notice that you have a lot of information others do not have and do they ever wonder how come you know so much?
Are people using you as an information bank because of it?
Angelia, thanks for putting in your take on questions and I am pleased to know your glasses on your avatar have to do with Halloween. I always wondered bit never asked, love Wilma
That avatar! One minute it’s there, then it’s gone. It’s like the ghost of Halloween past. Someone up there must really like it because I’ve changed it and it keeps coming back.
I believe people notice my questions. I know it enriches my life and my exuberance of life which certainly is noticeable to those around me. I love to listen to them tell me their story too. I just got off the phone with a client. I learned he had an autistic son. An ex-wife that he is flying to see her dad (and him paying for it) while he remarries because she can apparently go a little OFF over the silliest things, like an ex-spouse of 5 years remarrying. The children and him agreed to get her out of town. LOL!
Being a travel agent is very similar to hair stylist, I get to hear some amazing stories. It makes me happy to talk with people.
XOXOXO dear Wilma!
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..What happens in a box, stays in a box…..
Oh Angelia, I can hear now how you listen and find out all these things. Amazing isn’t it and it does change how you connect and relate and I am sure your clients appreciate your attention and the results it can create. Did you give the wife a good or a bad seat
I am sure your kind heart did the best for her.
Hmm, how hallowenish, those happening with your avatar, ohhhhh.
My husbands family doesn’t ask questions. They are like a “clan”. So I think they consider it rude to ask. They always figured a person will share if they want to.
A question really is a gift. It can add insights into solving problems, getting to know people, and draw from a larger pool of wisdom. Asking a well formulated question can save a lot of time as well.
Erin´s last blog ..Finding Your Way
Hi Erin.
I love what you say about questions and how a quality question can add tremendous value.
They certainly unlock doors and yet we value answers more than questions. Most of the time at school for example we are looking for the right answers rather than for the right questions to deepen our understanding.
No wonder most of us are confused and not well equipped to ask well formulated questions.
Great observation and your ability to question will have enriched you hugely as well as it will have enriched your relationship with your husband’s family, do you think?
Thanks Erin, love Wilma
It is so true we are taught to look for the right answers instead of the right questions.
Erin´s last blog ..Finding Your Way
Growing up in the family I did, there were things you talked about and things you didn’t. This of course creates all sort of communication. Every person and relationship is different, and we learn when to ask, how much to ask, and when not to, but for the most part, I’ve found that when I am open and communicative, it is rare that the other person does not respond in kind.
Thanks for the important lesson.
Kaushik´s last blog ..Getting into the flow of Awakening
Hi Kaushik, I hear you say that everything in life is done best when coming from discernment. One size fits all never works. It is awareness that empowers us to use all the resources we have for the greater good for all. One of the resources we have is asking questions, when used wisely they add value and allows us to connect at a deeper level when we so choose.
When coming from love and integrity a lot is possible, more than we experience at the moment.
I cannot wait for life to unfold in all its glory, for all of us.
Love Wilma.
Hi Wilma,
I have a new friend I’ve gotten to know recently. And she has been so good about asking questions. And they are not superficial questions, they are are deep and probing questions. And it has strengthened our relationship greatly, and really taken it to a level where I know I’m comfortable telling her whatever is on my mind. That wouldn’t have happened had she not been so deeply thoughtful in her questions, and maybe even more than that – deeply caring in how she listened to the answers. Questions, asked with sincerity, can make a real difference.
Lance´s last blog ..Deeper Connections
Hi Lance.
How wonderful fitting is your last post’s title, deeper connections.
We do want greater intimacy, and yet it is rare in most of our physical relationships. We shy away from asking questions or being authentic. We all have seen people being made fun off or being attacked for authentically asking.
It is however heart warming to see how the internet, as a new and unfamiliar medium is bringing the best out in us and that we do ask questions of each other, although even in the comments on most blogs I still can see some hesitation to openly explore and inquire more to initmately explore new beliefs, new explanations and different ways to be in the world.
Fantastic that you have experienced the power of questions and what they do to intimacy.
Questions, sharing, blogging, connecting, it all adds to reaching a tipping point, to reaching a world of different belief systems that will serve us to become the joyful cocreators we are meant to be.
You as a connector have a role to play, as I said in the comment on your blog, you are the connector and that is a very valuable role and I will support you in any way I can. Love Wilma
I had not thought about it in these terms, but you are so right. My Dad’s family is very reserved, they do not ask questions out of ‘politeness’. And it so limits connectivity and intimacy. If we are really asking questions, with true interest, it is a deep form of caring. And we will sense if someone is uncomfortable or doesn’t want to talk more, and respect that. If we never ask, there is never any opportunity to open. I have been thinking that my husband and I need to set aside more time each evening to talk, and just asking one direct question each could do so much to establish that intimacy every day, in the midst of the busy-bustle of a household of young children…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..Interview with Paul Martin, author of Original Faith, on the Spiritual Journey
Hi Lisa.
Isn’t it interesting that asking questions comes from being present and listening and deepening understanding.
I learned to ask John a lot of questions and I sometimes have to warn him that I do it from really wanting to know what he is on about.
I can be like the terrible two sometimes and sometimes he is getting wary of my questions. So he has made it clear to me he only answers these type of questions when he is not tired or preoccupied himself as he needs a clear head for those.
I also need to be aware where I am coming from with my questioning?
Sometimes I come from passive agressiveness AND not from deepening my understanding. However that will be revealed by our openess in listening coming from the agenda to really create intimacy and not a fight!
The passive agressiveness in my questioning did shock me at first, but it has been great to having been able to observe it and then correcting it.
Ha, the layers keep themselves revealing and thank you Lisa for letting that happen with your comment.
It is great to take time for questioning and you will probably learn a lot about yourself and your husband, I am.
Love Wilma
Hi WIlma .. isn’t it brilliant the men – who are do it themselves, learn and ask as they go .. wonderful – but just don’t me along to stand on the sidelines!! Mind you I’m the same when I’m shopping – just let me do my thing and I’ll ask if I need to: but it is so helpful having a knowledgeable sales person, and to hear people with the same interests share that knowledge …
However asking questions .. I have only in the last 20 years or so started to askand now I ask all the time – gently at times, but it just does make communication easier. I’d hate to be introduced to someone’s parents and not asked anything .. sould make me feel very strange: whether I’d have the audacity to spend the whole time grilling them about their life .. I probably would!
Thanks – Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hilary´s last blog ..Fireworks and Bonfire Night – November 5th
Oh Hilary, there are so many resources in life available to us if only we knew how to access them and questions is one way of course.
There is a difference between interrogating as you say and gently asking into listening and practice and feed back will sort that out.
Questioning as part of listening is so poweful, and isn’t it interesting we knock it out of two years old to then have to relearn it when we are wiser and are seeing what we are missing out on.
I am sure you will not be grilling them, I am sure you will gently be questioning them coming from listening to deepen the initmacy. There, is that not better said than grilling?
You probably have noticed that questions are enriching your life and are supporting you in your current situation while you care for your mother.
Love Wilma
Kia ora Wilma,
I was glad to read the reference to the WHY question. With my teen age son I have learned to transpose a skill I need for my job and that is to phrase as many questions
as possible open ended. That is to put them so as to not be abled to be answered with a yes or no. Why, What, Where, When, How are all words we can use to put questions that encourage answers beyond yes or no. We normally tend to close our questions off to use words which can trap us in short answers offering little knowledge of what we really want to know. Just a thought. Great post as usual.
Ka kite ano,
Robb
Robb´s last blog ..Tangaroa (Endless Wealth)
Hi Robb. Yes, there is certainly a lot to learn about questions and the why ones are not always that helpful or easily to be answered when they relate to matters of the heart or reasons about living. Great to pass on that skill to young ones.
It is amazing how much there is to learn and how ongoing it is when we follow life and dare ot experience.
I hope the questions about your hip will be answered soon so you can find solutions and can tramp again in our lovely mountains.
Love Wilma
Just recently I have been present to the conversations of Kiwis during social gatherings etc. We don’t ask questions very well in New Zealand. When we do I have observed that we tend to answer it ourselves after asking it to avoid looking like we don’t know anything.
I love what Kaushik said about when we are open and communicative it is rare that the other person does not respond in kind. Having that courage there to ask questions we usually find that even with the hardest of people you will see a glimmer of something in the way they open up. Its a beautiful tool that can be used to learn about others. I have to do it in my job because I am told to and paid to BUT it works in sales all the time. I know I could do it more in my personal life.
Everyones favourite subject is themselves but the true power is in the hands of those who allow others to show that. Everybody is always shouting “look at me, look at me.” Then there are those who say “wow, look at you”. People turn around and are more than happy to give you a ticket to their show if you tell them you want to watch. The trouble is we are all too concerned competing for a better show than the person next to us. We hope that if we find tune our performance then everyone will marvel at us more and life will be made. Just pop along to someone else’s “life theatre production” and watch and listen from the seats. You will become the most popular person in town!
Hey Blair, beautiful response as always and this struck me;
“Everyones favourite subject is themselves but the true power is in the hands of those who allow others to show that.”
That is the true power of listening and questions coming from listening.
It will allow us to see beyond and as Robin Easton said in her reply, get to the (Divine) essence of people.
And as long as we are competing, as long as we are lacking, as long as we are creating a world of lack, we will lack real connection.
Oh Blair, it will be turned around, we will eventually see where the true gold lies, in us and we will finally start to dig for gold there.
Until then, I love your methaphor, we are all on our own stage performing but devoid of a loving audience to pull out the star in us. What is the fun in that? Not much as we notice!
After all this, it is Friday and lets have a cracker of a weekend connecting as much as we can.
Love to you, Wilma
Wilma — There are some blogs that I can go to, read and enjoy the post and leave a comment. In your case, for me the post AND the comments are wonderful to read. It’s like a conversation.
Now, back to your post. Because I tend to be shy, I have always struggled with asking questions about people. Yet, I agree with the value of asking questions and letting people tell you about themselves. I just didn’t know how to effectively do this for a long time.
I agree with others about the value of open-ended questions. I learned about them in my life coaching studies and it was a great gift. So, instead of asking the stranger next to me at a party, “Do you work?” I now ask, “What kind of work do you do?” If I’m daring enough, I’ll also ask “What do you like about your work?” Learning to use open-ended questions has made it so much easier for me to get to know people.
Once again, Wilma, you chosen an excellent topic for people to explore. Thanks:~)
Sara´s last blog ..The Journey Begins: Part One
Hi Sara.
As far as I can see most of us are hold back to ask questions, for a myriad of reasons and we all have to find our own way how to overcome our inability to connect authentically with the person who is in front of us.
To imagine there we are, billions of us and failing to connect. It is mind boggling and yet so exciting.
Imagine the resource we can tap into once we have mastered connection. Imagine how free we will be from fear, how we can walk the earth joyfully when being able to ask questions rather than assume negative intentions and act out our fear.
I love that you have observed that this is an ongoing conversation as it is in conversation with each other that we can open our minds to questions and open our heart to possibilitites.
Love Wilma