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Ann-Marie on Listening that Makes a Difference
Hi everyone. Thanks for your thoughts on listening in response to Wilma’s post this week. It looks like Wilma has opened up a topic that has some interesting contradictions and many layers to peel back.
We listen every day, many of us are trained at it and do it for our work and yet Tess said similar to Joy who shared that; “only one person in my own life has been an active listener.”
Zeenat went on to say; “I’m still searching for that great listener.”
I’d love to hear more examples of how listening has made such a difference that, as Tess says, these people stand out “head and shoulders above the rest.” In these sharings of how listening has made a difference, we can be inspired by what is possible for all of us.
Robin, thank you for sharing how listening makes a difference for you. Your words revealed something that I’d never thought was possible:
There is something (for me) about listening. When done intently, fully, where I set aside my own thoughts or desire to be seen or express and so on, something happens when I simply listen fully intently as if I were meeting god in physical form and god was telling me about itself. When I can listen with NO agenda of my own, not relating what the speaker is saying to some book, something I learned, some new-age trend or psych trend or, or, or…Then I DO see god in that person and my soul connects with theirs. They become me and I them. And it is one of the most thrilling things I’ve ever done.
But probably the MOST amazing thing that happens when I listen this way is that I feel as if “I” have been the speaker and expressed all my own inner things through THEIR expression, their talking. It is wild, because I feel as fulfilled as if “I” had done all the talking. I feel set free, REALLY set free and I may not have said a word. For me to experience humanity and all the honest aspects of it through another human being is one of THE most healing things I’ve ever known. I literally go away feeling healed, totally set free, and with a stronger sense of myself and Life.
Thanks Robin, your experience certainly shifts listening from the mundane to a place it deserves.
As a group of good listeners, the most common theme to come through the comments was the issue of boundaries or as Suzen put it;
… just when I feel I am doing a really superb job of listening to people, the Universe sends me a chronic whiner or somebody with totally negative energy spouting off endlessly about the injustices of life, or government or what have you!
I’m sure we can relate to Suzen on this one.
Or Patty’s concern that “sometimes I unwittingly let it take me to that martyred place…I give and I give and I give…
Or Zeenat, when she said: “my problem was nobody ever wanted to hear ME”
Listening is not to be taken lightly; it requires lots of energy and is a special gift we bestow on others. To not treat our gift of listening respectfully is to not look after base camp. I’m all for setting boundaries, and not letting others assume that because I listen that I’m prepared to accept any old chit chat from them.
It is a noisy world we live in where people shout for our attention (listening) all the time in all kinds of unmoderated ways. Setting boundaries with who we are prepared to listen to and when is a necessary survival skill if we don’t want our listening to be downgraded to just filtering out the noise of random dumps disguised as heart felt stories or worse.
We have a right of refusal here. It is a clear communication that you won’t be ‘dumped on’ by the other person. It is important that we set out boundaries around our listening especially when it is listening that will not make a difference.
I applaud those who took action and commented last week. And I leave you once again with a request (which you are free to decline) from me to all our readers who have yet to summon up the courage to comment, I’d love to hear from you on how you are going with listening.
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23 Comments to “Ann-Marie on Listening that Makes a Difference”
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Hi Ann-Marie.
Hmm, what I got to see from the comments and my own observation about my listening is that different contexts effects my listening.
Doing it professionally does not mean as Tess said that I can do it as well when I am emotionally involved with what I am hearing. Hmm and realizing that has made a difference in my listening to John and my daughters.
With them I am attached to what I am hearing and I sometimes want to hear something else than what I get presented with. That effects the level of intimacy as well, hmm again.
Setting boundaries has made me think about integrity and taking ownership of the conversation.
I have a role to play and if I am not interested in people mindlessly dumping on me I can take a stand and remove myself. In the beginning I could not do that, found it rude, thought the people needed to complain, but now I know I can.
I can take ownership over how I want to spend my time and if I decide my time is too valuable to listen to mindless mind dumps I can say; “No”, as an act of being in integrity.
That makes it acceptable to stop those conversations and to stop my irritation with the other person AND myself.
Well, lots to mull over, thanks buddy.
Hey Wilma
Isn’t it interesting how our listening can wane when it comes to certain people, especially family. We develop a certain way of listening to them; our listening filters are on full alert looking to confirm them as bossy or moany etc. and once that happens we zone out and it’s game over. I find that I have to go beyond that if I want to achieve intimacy; to get into their world and find out what’s really going on for them.
Your thoughts on integrity and taking ownership of the conversation has made me think also. It’s up to me to be responsible for the conversations I participate in. So yes I’m all for boundaries and protecting myself from being dumped on by others. This is certainly a different stand point, as in the past, like you I would allow myself to be invaded by the grumblings.
Huuummm lots of things to think about and tease out together.
Hugs to you
Hi Wilma and Ann-Marie,
I think when we are dealing with another person, we have a choice as to how we will be present during that interaction. If our egos are in full blast, we may not really listen and we will judge the other person as they talk. I think the best thing to do when dealing with people, is to just be a blank slate. Put aside all that is happening in your own life, and just be present and listen.
Whenever I talk with someone in the course of the day, I put aside what is happening in my life and am present with that person. As I stated before, my professional training emphasized the point of putting your personal stuff on the side and just focusing on the client. So I think I have carried that over in all my interactions.
I find that when I am a blank slate and really listen to someone, a lot of what they are saying is more about them than anything else. People want to feel good and they want to feel that their choices/perceptions are correct. So usually they want vindication. When we are present and focused on other person, we usually are able to be of greater service.
For the record, putting your own stuff on the side does not mean that you allow yourself to be dumped on either. It just means hearing the other person out without judgment or lack of focus.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Woundology 101
Hey there Nadia
Now that IS listening that makes a difference for you and others. This listening creates intimacy between two people and that takes alot of energy to achieve. To train ourselves to put our own agenda and egos to one side and be fully present takes practice and focused effort on our part. Once achieved as Robin said, “my soul connects with theirs. They become me and I them”. Beautiful.
Nadia you obviously have invested many hours into honing your listening skills.
I love the idea of being a blank slate however I am all for setting boundaries as well.
Thanks for sharing this.
Hugs to you
Hi Ann-Marie!
I believe everyone wants to be heard, to be validated, to feel somebody understands them even when they may not understand themselves. I think of that movie with Tom Hanks on the island, creating a coconut man , or was it a soccer ball? – whatever – just to have someone to talk to! We weren’t created for isolation – and yet when nobody really listens to us, we do feel isolated, don’t we?
I know there are chronic talkers, whiners, Debby-downers out there that we all struggle to listen to – or avoid! They are all so wrapped up in their own stories they are not good listeners. Friends and those we love – hmmm, I think we expect them to listen. It’s not working for me! Who listens to me? My journal. I dropped the expectations. I give, in terms of listening, way more than I get – it would be nice if there was a balance!
Hey SuZen
Yes I remember that movie, Tom Hanks named the ball Wilson, he too was in search of intimacy, to share an experience with someone or something as was his case. As Wilma said this happens through listening. Isolation is not a happy place if we are struggling to figure things out for ourselves. Having someone who is skillful at listening is a way for us to move forward and beyond our turmoil.
SuZen I too am grappling at the imbalance of great listeners in our world. There is so much noise out there, that it can be difficult to be heard. I see this community as one that listens skillfully. I share things here that I wouldn’t share with some of my family as they don’t know how to listen to me and that is OK . And it didn’t stop me from continuing to look for a great listener and I found one in Wilma.
SuZen as one who does listen to others, keep looking for your great listener, you deserve to be listened to, to be heard, to be validated, to feel understood.
And we’re right here with you.
Hi Wilma and Ann-Marie – Thanks for continuing the conversation about listening. I’ve been giving it more thought lately, and realize that in order to choose listening, I need to also choose silence. I must give myself places and spaces in which listening is not required. And when I do that, the rest of it seems to take care of itself. My buttons don’t get pushed by others who seem wrapped up in their own stories, nor do I feel slighted by the lack of listening I receive.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Dancing Around the Living Room
Hello there Patty
It is great to hear that you take time out to look after basecamp. And in doing so you set up boundaries so you are not so affected by the lack of listening around you. Now there is freedom in that.
Way to go you.
Just thought I would add this. I’ve come across a great author who writes about listening. I am going to have him as a guest on my blog on Nov. 16. His name is Dr. Mark Brady. You may want to check out his many books. One in particular is really touching my heart right now: “Right Listening.” He also has a number of parenting books which advocate mindful, compassionate listening for people with children. He has a great blog too.
Here’s links to his work:
thecommittedparent.wordpress.com and http://www.committedparent.com/
Enjoy!
Jan Lundy´s last blog ..Finding Your Ideal Spiritual Practice
Hi there Jan
Will check out these links. Thanks for that.
Being a great listener for our kids is one of the greatest gifts we can bestow on them.
Appreciate you sharing this with us ;0)
I’m enjoying what everyone has to say on this topic, and really resonated with Wilma’s comment about being emotionally attached in some listening scenarios. Sometimes I want to hear somebody say something a certain way, so my filter (i.e., expectations) prevents me from listening with an open mind and welcoming heart. It all depends on how me-focused I am that day, or in a given moment. And that usually depends on how much I’ve meditated, what time of the month it is, etc. So many things, it seems, affect my ability to be unconditionally available in life. I do my best, to be sure, and work to stay mindful, especially when engaged with other people… But being human, I accept that some days my best doesn’t even measure up to someone else’s worst.
I keep trying, though. And I do my best to stay honest with myself about it. Like so many things in life, it’s a practice (not a perfection).
Thanks for keeping the conversation going!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..$1 Therapy (Awesome Free e-Book)
Hey there Megan,
You got it, listening is something that definitely needs daily practice to develop.
Hey if you are not in listening mode for whatever reason, you can always decide not to play that day and communicate it; a ‘counter offer’ per se. And you will remain in integrity with yourself. It takes so much effort to be a great listener and if we are not on form then we’re not looking after base camp either by progressing with listening.
Be gentle on yourself.
Hugs to you
Hi Ann-Marie and Wilma!
Had a dream last night that the 3 of us put together an EAR aerobics class! It was too funny! Of course the intention was to increase listening – just had to pop in and share!
Hugs
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..DO BE a DO BE
Hey there SuZen,
An EAR aerobics class does exist, it’s alive and well within the WomenLikeMe community and you’re more than welcome to join in anytime you want to.
See you there
Ann-Marie
Wow, my hats off to Robin. I’m trying that tonight with my hubby. I think it will take our love to a whole new level! It reminds me of a quote in my friends office, “We’re just God serving God.”
Then I’ll try it with my daughters and then I ought to be ready for my sons-in-law!LOL
They will think “A new Tess is born!” Seriously Robin’s words can take us all to an entire new level. I belive it could be the only thing that would bring peace on earth!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Nothing Changes Until Something Changes
Tess,
You are a legend. You are a woman who goes for it. You are on a mission from God and after you are done with creating a whole new level with Roger, your daughter and your son in law, watch out the rest of the world. You play a bigger game and that is what life is about, creating a new world, one that is peaceful.
You rock
Hugs Ann-Marie
Just the other night, I realized that I have improved my listening skills. My husband, Donald, has been unemployed for over a year and the experience has been quite difficult for us. Recently, we went out to dinner and he did almost all of the talking, quite the opposite of dinners in the past. The difference was not only in the fact that I was not talking, it was in the fact that I was hearing him, watching his body language, understanding the context and the implications. I was truly connected to that moment and that conversation and he appreciated it immensely. He thanked me for listening in the car on the way home and it was then that I knew that I had learned to listen.
I hope I can do it again!
Daphne´s last blog ..The Great Clothing Clean-out Project
Daphne
This is fantastic. I so appreciate your sharing. You did it, you were there for your husband and through your listening to him you get to grow, share and develop your relationship to a deeper level.
Yes, you can do it again, it is about practical baby steps and coming to grips with what is going on. It’s not an easy road, however when you’re committed to having your life and relationship work out you’ll get there. That’s what I have realized through learning and applying the WomenLikeMe program.
Go for it. Hugs to you
HI Ann Marie and Wilma,
I used to fall short….But not anymore..am still learning to be truly attentive without being in the counselors seat with a paper and pen.
Both requiring a sharp and patient mind.
I like how the conversation just flows here
This is a topic that has been close to almost everyone, without them actually being aware how important it is. But most of the time when the situation presents itself to listen…and i mean really listen to especially our loved ones….it helps to hear everything. I dont think “Filtering” should be an option…cause you never know what it is youre missing..and how important a point it is…We never know…that in our listening, how much healing is going on inside the other person. Most of the time when people are given a chance to speak out loud and just vent..they are able to clarify things for themselves. If we can be a catalyst in that process of clarity….I think we can truly truly value becoming good listeners.
My big baby hubby taught me good listening…we often quiz each other after an even mundane conversation or movie..just to make sure we have been paying attention
I love playing observation games..they help my memory and my listening
Listen attentively and dont filter…thats the most important i think.
Love how Your two lovley ladies make me think
BIg HUg.
Z
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Sleepless Nights- Natural Cures
Hello Zeenat.
To be fully present with another and really listen to them can create an extraordinary experience between two people. To listen without filters ,without judgment takes some doing in my book as everything I hear needs to pass that Little Voice filter in my head. You know the one that constantly blabs on about everything and everybody.
Well that’s the one that I have been working on.
Zeenat you nailed it, imagine a world where there was no inner or outward judgment. Just think of what we could create then… what a game we could play.
Huuummm
Hugs to you
I do think the most important service I provide to people I work with is my ability to listen compassionately and nonjudgmentally — when I do this well, I don’t need to give suggestions or advice, and what people want to do and how they’re going to do it just spontaneously flows out of them. People really know the answers to most of their own questions, I think — they just need a place where it’s safe to reveal what the true answers are.
Exactly Chris. I agree that we do already know the answers to our questions. Creating the space to work through the process in our heads is what is required. To verbalize it and come to a conclusion by ourselves is very liberating. By being a great listener that is what you have the ability to create for someone else. What a contribution, what a gift.
Wonderful!
You’re most welcome. Here’s to putting your ideas into some form of action!