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Intimacy and sponsorship happen through listening; how well do we listen?
Walking, talking and listening.
Listening is a very powerful skill.
I, as base camp benefit hugely from excellent listening skills as they create intimacy and a shared understanding with my sponsors. And listening ultimately allows for coordinating effective actions that make me fly.
I can finally confess that I can do something very well after having unraveled my struggle with requests.
I am very well trained in it professionally.
I also have the advantage that I love observing and observing is definitely part of listening.
I adore getting a handle on what is going on, I guess it also served me to become a perfect people pleaser.
I listen with my senses. I listen with my ears, my heart, my eyes, my smell and my intuition.
I listen with all of me and the information I gather that way is quite extensive and often unique.
Listening can make or break a relationship and being careless with our listening can have huge negative consequences.
To quote WomenLikeMe;
”Language creates our world and our listening can bring a world into being. This makes sense when we observe closely what happens when we talk, we can literally see how our conversations manifest a world”
(WomenLikeMe on How we Create our World through Conversation)
Now that is powerful and worth paying attention to.
I have had the good fortune to have been a receiver of a great listener and as I am a great listener myself, I can see both sides and have seen different worlds unfold because of quality listening.
I have only been impacted by a great listener once, that is how rare they are.
It was when I was still married and when I never let on how my marriage was not working.
In the beginning I felt like such a failure, after all, I thought I could sort anybody out, especially my husband.
However over time I knew that the marriage was wearing me out and I could not make it work.
In my usual independent way though I thought “if I cannot figure it out, nobody can“, so I never sought help.
Although I let snippets drop here and there in conversations with colleagues and friends about how marriage was a weird thing, nobody listened carefully enough to pick up these clues and run with them. It was also because people actually did not want to hear too much more.
They all had their own problems that they would rather talk about and I was more willing to listen than share anyway. So I never got passed those very subtle hints that all was not well.
With their limited listening they created a world in which all was well for me and I lived into that by never saying it loud and clear that all was terribly wrong.
As a listener THEY had that power in the conversation.
My good fortune happened because my profession required me to have supervision and I ended up with Glenda, who is a master of listening.
She certainly did not skate over my subtle throw away comments about relationships and marriage.
She kept fishing them out of the conversation until she had them well and truly hooked. I knew then that I had finally found a listener.
I so remember my astonishment when I experienced her total presence to me.
Until now I had always been the listener and for once being the one who was listened to with such skill was a new sensation. It was delicious.
I did not feel a failure when finally spilling the beans about my confusion and inability to keep the marriage going.
I did not feel that in the conversation I had to look after her well being as well, she did not ask anything back, she did not judge.
She was totally at ease when I, who always pretended to be this switched on operator, was not as switched on as I had let on to be.
Glenda did not blink an eye lid, she just sat there inviting me to open up more and more.
Until then I had always spoken into the listening of people who wanted to see me as capable and confident and at any little sign of a crack they quickly turned away.
They were not interested; they wanted their pillar to stay a pillar they could talk to.
But not Glenda, Glenda did not need a pillar, for once somebody clearly showed with their listening that they were prepared to be my pillar.
I think that those conversations opened the door for me to finally come clean about my marriage and to give up my failing efforts.
Her listening created intimacy and shared understanding that finally opened me up to her, as well as to myself.
Eventually her listening sponsored me to quit a destructive marriage that was not serving anybody.
That really showed me how listening is such a powerful skill that can achieve great results and yet there is not a lot of listening like Glenda’s around.
We rush and after a few words we think we know what is being talked about and start giving advice. And we assume, we do not even realize that most of the time we do not even want to know.
If we are not careful certain listenings can easily influence us in a way that does not serve us.
Once I had to assess a client who was described by doctors, therapists and case managers as very uncooperative and difficult. In the end nobody knew what to do with him and hated dealing with him. My task to interview him was part of the process to get him off the insurance payments he was on.
Everybody in the office felt sorry for me. I must say I was not thrilled with the assignment either but as a senior it was up to me and saying no was not an option.
He lived rurally and could not drive far in his condition so I had to make a house call as well, yippee.
With dread I rang him, but to my surprise he did not make it difficult to find him, he gave very helpful and accurate directions.
I thought that was strange. When I arrived he was outside waiting for me and his wife offered me a drink. Again I observed behavior that was not in line with the listening of everybody else.
I then did what I always did, I acknowledged his injury and then I asked him to tell his story.
Well, I was glad I asked.
Nobody had ever given him a chance to have his say.
Once he realized the disdainful listening of my fellow professionals for this supposedly uneducated, difficult and uncooperative farm worker who was out to cheat the system, he took great delight in speaking into their listening and giving them hell.
But the information he volunteered and the stories he told me, once he knew he had a different listening, were awesome and for once there was information on his file that he agreed with and could be worked with productively.
This again shows the power is in the hand of the listener.
As base camps we too have a certain listening to people and if we want valuable sponsors it pays to become aware of how we listen to people.
It pays to start noticing how we listen to people we are in a relationship with. It pays to amplify our listening to people who comment on our blogs. It pays to listen carefully period.
Through our observing and listening we create a world of shared understanding. With it we get to really hear if our purposes are aligned and we get to hear the ‘yes’ and the ‘no’ to our requests, as clear as a bell.
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48 Comments to “Intimacy and sponsorship happen through listening; how well do we listen?”
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Wilma you are my Glenda.
“The listener in the conversation has the power”. Well I have certainly given them a run for their money. I have been the queen of butting into conversations and it is a habit that is taking some doing to break. How rude, thinking what I have to say or blurt out will be of value, when I don’t even have the whole explanation. I cringe at myself.
Wilma you are a master of listening and having spent a lot of time with you and the WomenLikeMe material, I am beginning to hone my listening skills.
Just last week a friend told me that she was off on a family holiday in a few weeks time. In my listening to her I didn’t hear any excitement, there was something else; it was more of an obligation than anything else. So instead of saying, oh that’s fab news, I asked her what was going on. After we’d chatted and she got to the bottom of it she told me that no one else had responded to her like that. She has clarity, identified her upset, sorted it and is now very much looking forward to her time away.
Having sponsors who are great listeners is such a valuable resource for me as I strive to live my life differently. Acknowledgment is what I’m looking for, someone to say I hear you. I’m not looking for advice or opinions, it’s about being able to express my emotions so that they no longer consume me.
It is a noisy world that we live in and as you said Wilma, people can be so involved with their own matters that they do not want to face anyone elses.
I find that this community listens with respect and love and I am so grateful too that I have my Glenda ;0)
Hey Ann-Marie, we sure live in a noisy and a busy world where a lot of what we say gets drowned out. You champ for listening to your friend and picking up on;
“In my listening to her I didn’t hear any excitement, there was something else”.
Isn’t it amazing how that listening then can turn a conversation into a intimate and worthwhile time spend together.
At least we are able to create quality time that leads to quality of life and THAT so excites me.
It means we can really see the people for who they are and THAT will add huge value to our relationships.
I love being your Glenda as I love you being mine. It sure makes our talks worthwhile.
Hugs to you, Wilma.
What a subject to tackle. I think we work on communication until the day we die! As a therapist and life coach I am forced to become a good listener. It’s my job and I want to be good at me job. After all these people were trusting me with their most intimate secrets, hopes and dreams.
Funny thing is the better I get to know the client the more difficult it is to listen. Because my ego has an opinion on what the client should or should not do. I know exactly when this is happening so I just bring myself back in the moment to being a good listener.
I would say the hardest time for me to listen is when I’m upset with my spouse especially if I’m under other stress. I normally wait until I’m calm and can collect my thoughts without over reacting.
I have one person that stands out in my mind as an excellent listener. You know you have her undivided attention. She is a life long friend. I know a ton of people and one comes to mind. Not that I’m judging myself and others. She’s just head and shoulders above the rest.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..89 Years of Love on Halloween
Hi Tess, listening to people, listening to your intuition, listening to your heart, all that listening that is getting drowned out by noise and louder messages that are not serving us. Yes, listening is not easy and gets -as you so rightly say – interrupted by our own Little Voice as well. I love how you recognize when your ego steps in with ‘advice’ ready to roll of your tongue after you think you have heard enough.
That means you listen well to yourself, is it not?
Oh being upset is indeed a very great way to block these ears too and how easy it is to then let rip.
However again listening to one’s own upset is a great ability for a sponsor to have, I will let you sponsor me any time.
Hmm, you too do not know many Glendas, fancy that and trust you to make her your friend, you know a good sponsor when you see one.
PS. I would love to add some more to my comment. Your listening that added superior value was the listening to your own filters and recognizing that they even existed. THAT listening creates a wonderful outcome as you then got to really hear what is going on and therefore you can sponsor who you are listening to in a very realistic and appropriate way, away from your own aganda.
That is an enormous contribution.
Listening is a “lost art”. I happen to be a good listener–I thoroughly enjoy people’s stories and I learn lots from listening. However, my task is around boundaries of listening. I find that people are so astounded to have someone actively listen, and participate in listening, that they feel a huge door is now open. A running joke is that when I captain boats and am out for hours at a time–thus, a captive listener– I come back with marriage proposals. They have no idea who I am or what I stand for, but I listen and that seems to be awfully significant. I think the key is also that I remember–and if I see you again I will comment on what you’ve last told me. Because I also care.
I do agree with Tess, though, when listening to someone I know quite well, I sometimes lose track of the nuances and project ahead to what I think the point will be, or the outcome, or whatever. When I notice that I come back to present.
There has been only one person in my own life who has been an active listener. A true gift to be heard and understood.
Oh Joy, I totally can imagine how you get noticed by your listening and they want to take you home by marrying you. I too found it delicious to finally being listened to with such total presence and openess. It blew me away too AND it made for deeper understanding what was going on for me.
Boundaries are an issue for sure as with everything else involving giving out energy.
Yes, listening to people you know well is tricky, to change your listening to people is as well, that is how family keep hearing us as we were, not as we have become.
Hmm, your world is also not densely populated with active listeners, you are obviously not far off with saying listening is a lost art.
Love Wilma
Hi Joy, I would like to add some more here too.
As a captain, your listening was in the context of acting as a host and looking after the people under your care and that added to the people’s experience when sailing with you.
If they would have gone sailing with Ann-Marie they would have been hosted by a very entertaining story teller and would come home with a totally different yet same great experience.
You are spot on that listening when in the face of establishing an intimate relationship for marriage is something entirely different AND that is what most of us do NOT distinguish and lump all listening together.
Listening is contextual and creates certain outcomes. THAT is what we need to pay attention to, so thank you too for your comment to clarify this.
Hi Wilma,
What a great topic. Being the baby of the family, I naturally became a good listener as my siblings were talking all the time, never letting me get a word in edgewise. When I was growing up, many labeled me as being shy because I didn’t talk much, when in fact I grew to enjoy listening. I found not only was I listening to what others were saying, but I was watching their body language. Often the two were in conflict with each other and I would make a game out of trying to figure out “the truth”.
Those childhood lessons served me well in my years. And now with blogging, I find I listen to the words which are written, often giving me an insight into the author.
Like Tess though, I will tune out when listening to someone I know real well. If I’m hearing “Wah, wah, wah… ” or a story being repeated for the umpteenth time. I have to remind myself to quit letting my thoughts drift and come back to the “now”.
This post reminds me of the saying about how we have two ears and one mouth, thus we should talk half as much as we listen.
”
Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..How Branding Works In Blogosphere
Hi Barbara
You sure did get a good training, I am the youngest of 5 too.
It is a great skill to listen not only to the words that are being said but also to the body and the deeds.
Good listening so adds value and intimacy to interactions with people, I am sure that you too must have unearthed things that have made a relationship go deeper.
It is interesting that your listening is reflected in your blog as you do invite and then listen to your commentators and that you listen is certainly reflected in the personal comments you leave.
Having a good listening skill adds so much as you too must have experienced and it is making time spent with others very productive as well.
Thanks for listening today and I’m sure it helped your blog reach the top 100!
Love Wilma
Hi Barbara. Your comment illustrates very beautifully what I said to Joy about contextual listening.
Your listening has created a place in the top 100 blogs and that is again showing the power of being present to what you are listening to.
So you too, thank YOU for showing yet another consequence of listening.
Oh, I love teasing this out as it does make a difference to understand this listening and what it can create.
Hello Wilma.
I am in the class ‘The Keys of Jeshua’ with Glenda. I was reading the blog and read your entry, Through checking out your own blog, you have posted on the reading list ‘The Ringing Cedars of Russia’ series, I ordered the first 3 books in the series! They are a gift for my daughter. I cannot wait to read them myself. I believe they may be read throughout our cold Vermont winters! Thankyou so much and I am enjoying your blog. Debra
Hi Debra, wonderful to see you here as well. A lot of my knowledge is aligning and coming from that amazing book ‘Love Without End’ that Glenda has written.
You will find that a lot of what is written in the Ringing Cedars Series is the same as in Love Without End, and that so excites me.
You will be warmed by the books’ view on life and by the great model of how life can be when we appreciate reality that is given to us.
I so love that both books say, listen to reality, listen to your heart, listen to the love that you are and do not get caught up in structures and sand castles.
Thanks for commenting, love Wilma
HI Debra, your listening to Love Without End has no doubt added as much as it did to me and hearing my enthusiasm about the Ringing Cedar Series will allow you to see Jesus’ lessons in yet another light and I am sure you and your daughter will enjoy those books as much as I do.
HI Wilma,
or atleast a hearing.
I’m still searching for that great listener!!
What an awesome topic to broach!!!
Ok as with you, professionally I too have to be a good listener. It was not difficult for me when i became a Counselling Psychologist and started taking sessions, cause i was already a good listener. But, my problem was nobody ever wanted to hear ME. I mean i was such a great sounding board to al my friends, family and acquaintances that noone ever thought i needed to be heard as well. I guess what i’m trying to say is,,,that sometimes even the counselor requires a counseling
We all need to vent sometimes…and we cant vent if the other doesnt wanna listen. While I was trying to work through my ex marriage…I wasnt brave enough even to leave hints…I was too afraid to acknowledge it even..that this was not working out.
Youre Lucky to have found Glenda at the right time in your life
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Possibilites&Individualities {Inspirational Quote}
Hi Zeenat, good to see your smily face.
Oh yes, listening to everybody else so they cannot hear your heart screaming, is so common and so sad. You and I waiting to be invited and with very little chance of it ever happening and therefore missing a chance to get out of our muddle and confusion and unserving situations. Argghhh.
Yes, I was very pleased to have found Glenda and have that delicious experience of being heard myself.
Oh Zeenat, it is so productive when people listen, it really can bring another world into being for the one who is listened to and it gives us a chance to really connect and is connecting not what is important to get sponsorship and support that makes us fly?
You must have left some hints to be picked up by a listener but it shows how few there really are.
Now go and look for one, you deserve it!!!! We all deserve to be listened to.
Hugs Wilma
Hi Z,
The listening you are developing is listening to your own needs of needing a listener to work through life issues. When we just talk to ourselves we go round and round in circles as I too did with my marriage problems.
With a listener our thoughts are being taken outside ourselves and beyond our own filters and that eventually allows us to see what is going on AND to take action that is serving us more than the paralysis our mind is keeping us in.
Z, you unearthed another facet again, thanks wonderful one.
Hi Wilma – I’m also a professionally trained listener, a counselor and coach, so this post was especially relevant to me. I agree with what others have said: yes, I’m good at this; yes, it’s hard to be a listener in a non-listening world; yes, others can take advantage. (But I don’t experience less listening with long term clients. It’s the opposite. The depth of the relationship makes it easier for me to step into their worlds and listen from an experiential place). But what strikes me most is your comment: “I guess it also served me to become a perfect people pleaser.” I think some of us listeners wear it as a badge of honor, and it does play up the tendencies we have to please others and be the caregiver. Although I know it’s a gift, there’s also a shadow side to it, and sometimes I unwittingly let it take me to that martyred place…”I give and I give and I give…” You know what I mean? Which probably puts up a wall and makes it harder for others to listen to me, and in turn makes it harder for me to experience good listening for others. So I’m working on being more conscious of this.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..How Do You Sustain Meaning In Your Life?
Hi Patty.
Yes listening in the context of a role/profession certainly helps to understand the power of listening and what being listened to can do to enrich our lives.
In a more personal role it sure can lead to what you are saying; the people pleasing martyr behavior of ‘look at me giving, giving, giving’.
In that context we can lose out ourselves and are fair target for anyone who has something to vent.
Thus we can get cornered at parties by great talkers and never get to talk to people we want to talk to.
Listening sure has many facets to it and I thank you for your honesty to bring this up.
Love Wilma
Hi Wilma!
I sure don’t want to listen to that!
Good topic, listening! There is a saying that we have TWO ears and only one mouth and therefore the intention of the Creator was to have us listen TWICE as much as we speak. I try to remember that one. And it seems, just when I feel I am doing a really superb job of listening to people, the Universe sends me a chronic whiner or somebody with totally negative energy spouting off endlessly about the injustices of life, or government or what have you! A little touch of discernment is necessary!
Haha SuZen, you said the same thing as Barbara.
You touched on a point that Ann-Marie and I were talking about in our buddy conversation.
We realized that listening does not mean lending a willing ear to everything and everybody, it means discerning when listening can really add value and move things along and then being aware of how well you do it.
Ranting and raving talkers are not the context we are relating to.
I have learned to politely excuse myself from these kind of interactions and THAT means listening to myself and my self worth and what I think my time is worth.
Well, this add yet another angle, ha, all this unraveling about what we consider a daily normal activity.
Thanks SuZen, hugs Wilma
Wilma,
Thank you for this powerful testimony to listening. Listening is so much more important than people realize and I am grateful that you made this very clear with powerful personal examples. And, obviously, you have become a good listener because you were listened to–and because you had it modeled for you.
I was very blessed early on to have parents that were deep listeners. Because of that I grew up with much ease, felt validated and affirmed. My passion in life (as you may well know!) is listening, too. Holding Presence for one another, holding each other’s stories tenderly, is a healing gift. I do this for others (professionally) as a spiritual director/mentor and I have it done for me by a mentor, too. But we can listen to one another all the time, anywhere, with greater ease if we just set our own agenda aside, open our heart, and listen from that soulful place.
I am so glad YOU do this for others. It is such a gift! A sacred call of the utmost importance. May we receive each other’s stories with grace and affection….
Hi Jan.
It is interesting to see that most of us who know about listening come from a professional context where we know it is a skill to be mastered and where we have experienced what it can do for people.
It is outside the professional and in our personal contexts that most of us do not realize how little real listening is done and how that taint relationships and how that prevents from taking them into a deeper level of intimacy.
I love how you describe your listening here; “May we receive each other’s stories with grace and affection” and with stories I am sure you do not mean the rangting and ravings of an ego.
That kind of listening will result in real connecting and that will create understanding and prevent judgment.
Once judgment is gone, fear will be gone.
THAT is what I find exciting about listening and the power of what it can create.
Thank you Jan for taking it to this level, love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
One of the many benefits of my childhood was that I learned early on that you can learn a lot about a person by just listening to them. People give themselves away with the little things they do and say.
So usually when I first meet someone, I just listen to them and usually by the end of the conversation I pretty much can tell what is going on. My friends joke that I am psychic but I am not….I just listen and listen without judgment. I still could be better at the judgment part but I am pretty confident about the listening part.
Ironically, law school also emphasized the importance of realizing that there are so many sides to a story and the only way to understand what really happened is to listen to all sides of the story.
So I am all for listening. It does wonders!
Love and hugs to you!
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..The Power of Redemption
Hi Nadia.
You are spot on with this ” My friends joke that I am psychic but I am not….I just listen and listen without judgment.”
People so do not know what a good listener can find out and thus they call us psychic. Oh how does this show how little most of us observe and take in what is right in front of us and what a mystery it is when they see you do it.
This take of you on good listening made me smile.
I love that you bring this up too; “Ironically, law school also emphasized the importance of realizing that there are so many sides to a story and the only way to understand what really happened is to listen to all sides of the story.”
Ironically indeed was justice originally not just that.
A context of solving a conflict by having a wise person listening to create understanding, to create actions that would bring everything back into integrity and harmony?
However are you pointing to the fact that justice is now done in the context of listening in order to win, rather than to restore justice and harmony?
That listening is done for a purpose, in a context to win and to interpret the law to one’s own advantage?
Do you think that when we know that context is now about winning that we should change our expectations to match, but as long as we are still under the illusion that we are listened to with an agenda to restore justice, we will feel not listened to and that justice is not done?
Oh, this is indeed a total different aspect of listening yet again, you are good to throw in another perspective, aren’t you? And it shows to me as I said before that there is so much more to these seemingly so called simple daily human activities that can influence the outcome of our daily living.
As always, hugs for that, Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Listening. Something I really work at becoming better. Sometimes I think I’m a good listener, but not really. As in mediatiton, my mind goes for a walk and I’m thinking about something else and forget that there’s someone next to me talking to me…sharing…and I’ve gone on a mind picnic or something. And then I’m jolted back to the present, either by breathing or by hearing what is being said.
Staying in tune, staying focused on someone else when there’s nothing else distracting me (the tv, the computer, the dog etc) – That’s where my work is.
Thanks for this!
Peggy
Peggy at Serendipity Smiles´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss
Aw Peggy, I smiled at your honesty and at the same time I think you are great to listen to yourself in this way. You might not listen always to others, but with this listening you are sure being present, you champ
You see with this listening you now have a chance to take action and correct the things you observed as not serving you.
I love how you introduce the mind picnic idea, like a child or dog the listening goes wandering off.
Well, I love that you see a way to work on this and it would be great if you also observe the difference in intimacy to will create.
I cannot wait till you tell me that people have started calling you psychic as well.
Love to you and your honest listening, Wilma.
Oh dearest Wilma, this is soooooooo beautiful. Through sharing this about yourself so clearly it made me realize and claim more about myself. I too am a great listener, and have been told this many times. The thing you made me see is that I too listen with all my being.
I am able to hear and see on many levels. Not just the actual sound/words. I can often simply hear a voice and I have images of….hmmm…so many things. I’ve seen illness in people, unfortunately death, events to come and more. I’ve heard the things they aren’t telling me or the things they fear most. And as I get older am able to speak to that deep part of them, but in a way that is so gentle it invites as opposed to “tells”, it doesn’t invade their privacy or directly address the things they are not saying with their words.
Once I became a good listener…maybe I always was, I don’t know, but once I was I seemed to also gain the ability for vast overview of what was going on with someone…and in Life as well. And when asked could address the bigger picture or greater issue and not just what the words were saying.
There is something (for me) about listening. When done intently, fully, where I set aside my own thoughts or desire to be seen or express and so on, something happens when I simply listen fully intently as if I were meeting god in physical form and god was telling me about itself. When I can listen with NO agenda of my own, not relating what the speaker is saying to some book, something I learned, some new-age trend or psych trend or, or, or…Then I DO see god in that person and my soul connects with theirs. They become me and I them. And it is one of the most thrilling things I’ve ever done.
But probably the MOST amazing thing that happens when I listen this way is that I feel as if “I” have been the speaker and expressed all my own inner things through THEIR expression, their talking. It is wild, because I feel as fulfilled as if “I” had done all the talking. I feel set free, REALLY set free and I may not have said a word. For me to experience humanity and all the honest aspects of it through another human being is one of THE most healing things I’ve ever known. I literally go away feeling healed, totally set free, and with a stronger sense of myself and Life.
You are one of the truly Wise Women walking the planet today. I am endlessly stunned and renewed simply by who you are, by you just being YOU. You are a very unique soul. I always sense when I am “around you” that I am talking with someone who knows both the trenches and the exultant joys, someone who has bled and crawled and reached untouched summits. I resonate so strongly with this. I always feel I am on solid Mother Earth, Solid Knowing, Part of Universe, something real, someone who has really LIVED and tells it like it really is…and ALL straight from the HEART…not the head. I LIKE that. It’s real. Thank you dear dear Wilma. You are seen and so loved. Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog ..When I Die I Want…
ROBIN, you listened. I am so in awe of what you wrote here, YOU have explained what listening can really lead to, you put in words what I feel ultimately listening is suppose to achieve. A connection on all levels of such intimacy we cannot begin to imagine and which at the moment totally eludes us.
However these little baby steps with our listening, integrity, sponsoring each other etc. will bring us more and more in harmony with who we really are and thus we eventually will be able to become connected and experience what you described here.
Robin, I know I have been seen and heard and so are you, you have made me very excited by putting this in these words for me.
You get the biggest hug ever, love Wilma
Hi Wilma, you did a wonderful job writing about this topic.
I think a great source of people’s frustrations in general, is in the perception that they are not heard. We all need for our thoughts, feelings and very existence to be important or at least validated because someone was listening. We need to be heard and acknowledged.
Listening is a “lost art” as we have become visual. Who listens to the radio to a sports event anymore? Yet it is interesting that there was a time when we were a more auditory society. My grandparents talked about school where reciting out loud was an important part of learning. Kids learned from each other by listening to the lessons. Radio programs had stories, news and sports with no watching, only listening.
You have given us much to think about today.
Erin´s last blog ..Grace
Hi Erin, yes, listening is certainly NOT as simple an act as most of us think it is and can be confusing if we do not look at teh context.
It is useful to acknowledge that listening in different contexts is different and not all listening is equal and is not meant to be equal.
Like we do not have to listen to raving and ranting people, although in a pub it can be fun.
Some of us are oral and will enjoy radio and some of us are visual and prefer to listen with our eyes and that is yet another aspect of listening.
The main thing is to observe and to become aware if our listening is appropriate and supports the context. That is already a big step.
Then listening can be honed to support sponsorship and connectedness.
Thanks Erin for touching on different listening in different contexts.
Love Wilma
Hi Wilma
So great to hear all the comments from such wonderful listeners on your blog Wilma. Thank you for sharing the ultimate listening experience Robin with your abilities to be truely present and coming from that place” we all are one”.
I can relate to Erins comment that many people are frustrated with the perception that they are ‘not heard’. I experienced this in a recent continuing eduation course on the power of the voice. Among a group of ten women it was really interesting that several women were there because they did not feel heard…particularly by their husbands! After five sessions of being truely listened to (under the guise of voice quality!) I didn’t hear them mention that again. The very intuitive teacher got us practising speaking with visualisation and a feeling of intention behind the words….qualities good listeners always pick up on. Of course this improved the voice quality and its reception.
I agree Wilma, practised listeners are rare gems and very intuitive. It is wonderful when they also allow themselves to be listened to.
Yes I am still listening Wilma and thank you for sharing your reflections and your inspiring journey !
Love Nicola
Hi Nicola
Hahaha, love your ‘I am still listening’. Glad you are still you!
Interesting what you are sharing about your course of the power of the voice. Feeling the intention behind the words, visualization . . . that is listening with all you have got to listen with.
Yes, what a geat comment from Robin and showing us what listening can eventually lead us to, to the ‘we are all one’.
You are a great listener, you listen to how we do Pilates and never made me feel awkward when I had not listened to your instructions carefully.
I am sure you could have had some fun with how John and I distorted your original exercises. Your listening sure made me feel comfortable and we are still doing them religeously.
It is so funny because I have been thinking of you and here you are.
Thanks for showing you are still listening,
Love to you too, Wilma
Excellent Topic, Wilma. It certainly is the lost art. I think we forget that communication has much more to do with listening than it does with speaking.
To open your ears is to open your heart, and to open your heart is to move closer to life.
Lisa´s last blog ..The Dark of the Night
Hi Lisa. I too think that we listen too much through filters and that is not serving us.
However from a very young age we are no longer allowed to explore and listen to our won interest and guidance, we are taught an uniform truth and an one size fits all and we have shut down listening to our own voices as well.
However as long as we become aware of how deaf we have become, the more we are empowered to get our unfiltered listening back.
Love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Wonderful post on a wonderful topic. Being a good listener is such a wonderful gift we can offer to others. I would say I am a good listener, and I’m not a good listener, both. I definitely listen with all my senses as you describe, and when I am in the moment, I try to offer my undivided attention and keep judgment out of the equation. With my children, especially, I try to listen for the real and often underlying cause of their frustrations. Where I could improve is being present all the time, so that my good listening skills are turned on all the time as well. Sometimes I’m hasty because I am preoccupied and that’s not fair to anybody. I will keep your post in mind going forward, especially your story involving the farm worker you visited. What a difference you made for him–and all you did was be yourself! How wonderful is that!
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..A Gardening Tale
Hi Jodi.
and I am sure yo will be pleased with your efforts.
Oh I so can relate to life taking over and being preoccupied. My youngest one always knew when I was not listening and she regularly called me on it.
It takes time to listen and as you say it takes being present and fully there to pick up on the unspoken.
However isn’t it lovely for your children to have a mom who at least is commited to listen to find out their frustration.
Yes, all listening asks is being yourself and that is what Robin kind of eludes to in her comment. Putting aside what the role requires and then be fully there, that sure makes a difference, always.
Please to have you back Jodi
Love Wilma
Hi Wilma
And like Tess said, what a subject to tackle indeed and what an amazing way to present it too!
For me listening is all about being present – being aware. This way not only are we there for the other person in our highest state, we can be aware too of what words are coming into our own experience. What lessons to they hold…etc.
I know many people struggle with having a listener in their lives or being a listener, so I know this will serve a valuable role for many who come across it – thank you!
Evita´s last blog ..Evolving Being In Action: Marcomé
Thank you Evita. It is interesting that our highest state for me begins with what I am doing right now. All I can aspire is to be here and at least connect fully who is right in front of me and honor their journey as I would like them to honor mine.
In th book ‘love without end’ it is said judgfment comes from having an opinion based on limite information and that is so spot on. Once you listen there can be no judgment.
And that type of listening takes time and freedom from one’s own filters.
Thanks Evita for acknowledging the power of listening, it is a great way to connect and connecting is what it is all about. Love Wilma
Hi Wilma .. thanks that was a lovely story .. I want to know how it turned out! Don’t like unfinished stories .. ?
The comment I liked and related to was the fact about listening that you needed to put yourself in your friend’s position and realise what they’re going through. I know as I’ve been so tired recently that I do empathise, but I don’t go under that surface to try and find out more and help that way, rather than be a good listener and being able to perhaps suggest they look at things in a different light.
Thanks – great discussion .. Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hilary´s last blog ..Rough Diamonds and Baroque Pearls ….
Hi Hilary
Yes listening takes energy and it is good to be aware of that. And accepting that your energy is taken up by another major caregiving right now is good to.
At least you will not pretend and you will not make yourself wrong for not listening to others as you feel you should.
Awareness counts for a lot.
As for the unfinished story, sometimes it is good to make your own ending ?
You take care and accept you can only do so much.
Love to you, Wilma
Listening is an art. And so many people don’t have the faintest idea how to do it. One of my Mother’s friends said she talked all the time because she was hard of hearing and if she didn’t do the talking she didn’t know what was said! HA! Pretty funny but really, so many people love to talk and don’t know how to listen. You’ve done a great job of describing how to do it….with every cell in your body! We do get a lot of clues that way, don’t we! Excellent post! xo
Hi Diantha
Oh I actually do not know to cry or to laugh about your Mother’s friend, however it shows that we do not know how to pay attention to our conversations and how to overcome any difficulty we might have to connect.
They can be physical like deafness of they can be mental filters, but we sure have issues with how to get and keep each other’s attention.
And then we wonder why we feel alone and have to do everything ourselves and that we consider the world such a bad place.
Thanks for hearing the listening with every cell in your body, I appreciate your listening, love Wilma
Hi Wilma!
Beautiful post! I, too, struggle with listening but more so nowadays because I don’t hear so well. My grandfather had hearing loss and I might have listened to music too loud. I have many issues with hearing people on cell phones, my daughter’s speech with braces, and foreign accents.
I use as much as my gut and instinct as I can, frequently I’m just straining to hear rather than observe or if I can’t, I observe rather than hear.
I am sure I miss so much. Listening is a gift, not everyone has it or keeps it. Enjoy it’s wonderfulness!
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Confession Wednesday!
Hi Angelia.
Yes, when hearing is a problem listening can suffer as well.
My daughter seems to talk away from the microphone when she calls so nearly every 5 minutes I have to tell her to speak into the microphone and to stop mumbling.
That is annoying but important if she wants to have me hear what she is saying.
I do know how hard it is not to hear detail, but sometimes it is not all the detail we need to hear but the upsets or the joy that they want to share.
What I have learned from blind George is that he has patience and acceptance. At events he just sits there until somebody comes to him or informs him about what is going on. He cannot go to get his own drinks, he cannot see what is going on, he is in my eyes missing so much but he has come to terms with it.
Oh Angelia, I hear what you are saying and yes I am counting my blessings.
However I am sure that just as George, you will find ways to connect as in the end it is with your heart that that happens.
Hugs to you, Wilma
Thank you Wilma! I do get very still and sensitive in concentration to all that they are saying. I use my heart more than my ears. I plan to learn sign language. I think it’s a beautiful language and may open up another avenue of sensing, and feeling.
Thank you for a very thought provoking post. I hear you, dear Wilma. You are a beautiful understanding soul. I appreciate that sooo much!
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Confession Wednesday!
Oh Angelia, listening is done with intent and even 4 good ears will not necessarily make someone a good listener. And with your intent to connect and create intimacy with people, you will find a way to ‘hear’ and your listening will get heard as I do hear your loving intent.
Hugs Wilma