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Ann-Marie on saying NO to requests.
No is an acceptable response to a request
Thanks guys for playing with us and sharing your examples with making requests and your issues with saying and hearing ‘no’.
I think we probably can identify with Tess and her picking up her husbands shoes. As she shared
For the first 5 years of our marriage I requested and commanded he pick up his shoes. Of course he didn’t. So I picked them up for him but I griped loudly the entire time.
A few years went by and I no longer griped but I had the victim “attitude.” Yet I kept picking them up.
Then after another few years I noticed one day I was picking up his shoes and did it matter of factly. No longer upset by his not taking care of his shoes.
Then one day I became grateful that I had the opportunity to pick up his shoes and I became grateful that he was in my life.
The bottom line for me concerning the shoes was “Do I want to be happy or right?”
I decided happy!
Tess was getting a ‘no’ from her husband but was not accepting the ‘no’ at all, eventually sinking into “victim attitude”. Eventually she noticed that she was “picking up his shoes and did it matter of factly. No longer upset …”
Tess was now accepting her husband’s ‘no’. Finally, Tess shares that her acceptance had moved to becoming “grateful that he was in my life.”
Tess could have stayed in being “right” mode all her life and continued grappling, failing to hear her husbands ‘no’ as valid and missing out on happiness and the flow of love between them.
Both Patty and Nadia brought our attention to the importance of how we make requests. Nadia said
I think one important factor about making a request is the tone in which we make the request. I notice that if I ask for something in a nice way or compassionate way, the person usually is very inclined to comply or an agreement is reached that makes everyone happy.
However, if I make the request with any sort of impatience or frustration due to something else, things never go smoothly.
I agree that if we ask from impatience and frustration; the ‘no’ response may not be a no to the request, but a no to the impatient mood. The request doesn’t get a hearing in instances like this, as the ‘no’ is directed at our impatience and not at the request.
If we want our requests to get a fair hearing then it is important how we make the request.
Thanks Angelia for sharing your circumstances:
I have a couple of twenty yr old roommates. This helps with that situation. I’m still learning how they operate in a household, which is different than what I thought.
I’m sure many of us will relate to your situation Angelia, tell us more about how you are getting on, accepting their ‘no’?
Thanks Lisa for your comments and focusing our attention on the issue of our children when you said:
This is what I struggle with overall in our culture with our kids, both at home and how they are treated in schools, because I do think the current practices place an emphasis on obedience above all else, and this contributes to these issues with requests and rights of refusal later on in life…
I completely agree with you and Wilma’s response to you; the confusion started for all of us as children when everything became treated as commands and “an emphasis on obedience above all else”.
We have grown up failing to learn the difference between requests and commands. As a result, requests remain commands-in-disguise as long as we do not respect and lovingly accept both children and adults right to say ‘no’.
This is the second week now that we have mulled over this topic of making requests and the right of refusal. For me, this has been a valuable topic. I’m paying particular attention to my commands to my daughter and my upset at cleaning up after people. Something has been unearthed here that needs to be addressed on my part.
So I’m left wondering, has reading the posts and comments given you a different perspective on this topic?
Have you seen something about yourself that you hadn’t quite seen before when making requests or accepting anothers right of refusal? And if so, what have you done with this new realization and have you taken any action as a result?
Finally a request from me (which you are free to decline) to all our readers who have yet to summon up the courage to comment, I’d love to hear from you on how you are handling requests in your life.
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28 Comments to “Ann-Marie on saying NO to requests.”
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Oh boy, I can relate to that story of the shoes! But the last line is the corker – do I want to be happy or do I want to be right! AMEN! I reached this stage – giving up the need to be right – and found there was really so little I would get upset over. What peace! I could knock myself in the head for not learning this sooner – and frankly I’m lucky that hubs didn’t knock me in the head altogether! LOL I was forever telling him how to do things, when to do things – he got lumped in with the kids somehow. I think this happens a lot. Sgt. Mom with the orders.
Anyway, like Tess’s revelation, happiness is in a constant flow if only we don’t try to control everything and be right about it. Keep bitchin’ or nagging and you can kiss it goodbye!
Hey SuZen! here you are commenting, while at the very same time I am typing about your previously mentioned honest observation of your commanding your troops.
However your iron fist must have been wrapped in a glove of love and I bet they all still love you. Your hubs did not look the worse for wear on those photos.
However all fun aside, it has been quite revealing hasn’t it?
All that energy wasted on control, arggh,
Hi there SuZen
Brilliant stuff.
Go you for seeing what was happening around being right and for Do-ing something about it that served you, your hubby and the kids.
Lots of love and happiness flows from a place of peace.
I still catch myself going for the right option and I have been known to bark the odd order at my daughter and husband. Oh my controlling nature needs to be knocked on the head, big time.
Hugs to you
Oh Ann-Marie. I am so pleased that I am not alone in this muddle, because it sure has had me stumped on many occasions.
I finally got what Tess said although I had to overcome a lot of but, but but what about me? until I got that fighting over that kind of thing is really a waste and how she could come to acceptance and harmony around a no. What a journey!
And the command thing too has made a lot of things clearer, SuZen called herself once a sergeant major mom and oops, I can relate.
That making requests add value to my expedition in life is another thing I really have to mull over and get serious about.
Hmm, wax on – wax off, on we go Buddy.
Hey Wilma
Acceptance and harmony around NO, now that is one powerful journey my friend.
Tess’s example was so beautiful as it clearly showed the stages of Do-ing we progress through to end up having a given situation work for us.
Yes I’ve gotten one heck of a shock around commands this week in that I don’t accept my daughter’s right of refusal around some requests. Ohh what am I setting her up for in later life? Thank God for this dialogue I say. I now have clarity also.
It pays to do wax on wax off with others, eh buddy.
Hugs to you
Hi Ann-Marie & Wilma – I’m still working on my “soft starts” in terms of requests to my husband, and although I’m not fully there yet, your posts have helped me to maintain my awareness. So thanks for that! I’m also discovering that engaging in a bit of humor around requests goes a long way towards making them heard. Oh, and thank you so much for the link!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Imagination Quiz
Hi Patty
Can you tell me a bit more about your ’soft starts’ as you’ve mentioned them before. And how are you going with making requests to your husband, what’s going on there for you?
Thanks a mil
Thanks for this, I liked your point about the tone with which the request is delivered in addition to just the words — I think a helpful thing to do before we make a request is to check in with our bodies and see if they’re tense or heated somewhere, and if they are we may be coming from a place of shaming the other person or seeing ourselves as entitled, even if we ourselves aren’t fully aware of it. I really enjoy the honesty and depth of this series.
Hey there Chris.
You’re bang on here. Taking some time to observe where our bodies are at with a request can be quite revealing. The more we tune into our requests and the possible outcomes, the more authentic they become.
Thanks for that.
I hadn’t read Tess’s comment before seeing it here, and it’s awesome! What a great attitude to have, and one that will stay with me. Feeling grateful… Wow!
I also loved Nadia’s comment about the tone in which we make requests. Great, great advice.
Thanks for doing this follow-up! We’re all learning!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Love Leaves Again
Hey there Megan
The learning certainly excels when there’s more than one person involved.
We see ourselves mirrored in other people’s sharing. It’s synergy in motion.
Let’s go girl as we all move forward together.
Hugs to you
I missed the original question, so I’ll comment here. I have moved from needing to be right to needing to be happy just in the last few months and it is amazing how much it has decreased my anxiety and stress levels. I have embraced my right to choose my own attitude. I have also gained insight into the perspectives of other people – suddenly, when I am not trying to be right, I can see why other people do what they do.
In terms of handling requests and the right to say no, as I have identified my core values and worked hard to make sure that I am living in line with them, I have definitely said no more than I used to. In fact, this weekend I’m going to go through all of my clothes and say no to quite a few of them. It’s time to have a fresh beginning.
Thank you for starting and continuing this conversation!
Daphne´s last blog ..Who Am I?
I wanted to add after looking at the earlier conversations that one area I struggle with deeply when it comes to requests is asking for help. I have improved, but I still expect Donald to know what I want without asking him to do something. I get in a funk when I choose to pick up his socks instead of asking him to do it. I know that he can’t read my mind, yet somehow I still expect him to.
Somewhere I learned that asking someone to do something I could easily do myself was wrong. I didn’t realize how problematic this could be until I found myself doing everything and resenting Donald (or others) for not helping out. There are so many times in our lives when it is essential to ask for help and to get past the attitude that “I’ll just take care of it myself.”
Daphne´s last blog ..Who Am I?
Hey Daphne
Great to have you here. Yes happy is a place where love can definitely be in action.
How did you go with saying NO to your clothes? Thought that was great.
Asking for help is something that many people struggle with. This determination to remain independent even when others can do it faster, better and more efficiently doesn’t really serve. And how can somebody help us if we won’t let them contribute to us? Seeing asking for help as wrong means that we’re back to the ‘right and wrong’ conversation and as you’ve said Daphne you’d rather choose happy instead.
Daphne I appreciate you sharing this. If you want to tease it out further then we’re here. Hugs to you.
Ann-Marie, thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I posted about my clothing experience here – http://daphneanddonald.blogspot.com/2009/11/great-clothing-clean-out-project.html. It was a success! I’m looking forward to saying no to many more things when we get the opportunity to unpack.
I’m catching up on the conversation. Thanks again for starting it.
Daphne´s last blog ..The Great Clothing Clean-out Project
Hey there Daphne
Loved your cleaning out your closet post. “I’m writing a new story now. I can remember the events without having the clutter pulling me backwards into the past. I’m letting it all go so I can move forward”. These lines stood out for me. Brilliant. Looking forward to hearing about the NO’s when you and Donal unpack.
Hugs to you
Hi Ann-Marie and Wilma,
Thank you so much for including parts of my comment. Tess’ line reminds me of the line that Marianne Williamson uses which is people would rather be right than happy. I think sometimes in human interactions many people would rather hold the perceived right view as opposed to holding the compassionate view. Which means that we just respect each other and talk to each other with kindness.
Thank you so much for creating this dialgoue because it has made me realize how much I have grown. I think we have to honor our truth and we can honor our truth by treating the other person with dignity. So if I were to make a request or be asked for a request, I will speak what is right for me but do so with compassion.
So yay for growth!
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Chillin’ with the Saltwater Buddha: Being Spiritual in a Material World
Hello Nadia
Acceptance of another persons point of view or response to a request creates freedom for self and everyone else involved.
Go you for acknowledging how much you have grown.
Hugs to you
I love Tess’s quote, gets right to the heart of it. Truly, I was getting *very* upset with my 20 and 22 yr old roommates -my niece and her boyfriend – we had decided everyone was assigned a “room” to keep clean every week. Three weeks into it, most had let it slide, we have THREE big dogs. This is important. I can’t do it all myself. They don’t pay rent or anything. She is in college and I am trying to help her out. He is not working (much anyway) and takes online courses. NOTHING gets done. I was really hurting myself getting so mad at the dishes left dirty in the sink. I have chosen to let it go. (this is SO hard for me, my major pet peeve) Maybe I SHOULD make another request (command?), maybe I should just accept they don’t have my same standards. I know with the last topic, my anger was released. I don’t “like” it, but now I don’t let it ruin my attitude. I choose to accept the no and be happy. I mean they use all the dishes if they need dishes they will have to do them, right?
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Blog 4 Cause
Hey Angelia
Thanks for giving us more information on what’s going on with you and your roommates. You have choices available to you instead of waiting for your roommates’ response to not having any clean dishes.
You can have the same response as Tess and say that it is not a big deal, not worth getting *very* upset over, accept their no and get on with things.
OR you can say to you roommates that you will no longer play when there’s a no response to this request. This is not meant as a threat or manipulation but as a validation of what is important to you and how you want to continue your relationship with them.
Angelia, you decide how you deal with the answer to your request. Responding to their no with a ‘no play’ answer is a powerful way to live your life the way you want to and remain in integrity.
This could hurt, however it could hurt even more to accept something that causes you upset, that you’re not able to live with. It’s about working through our issues in life and still being in integrity.
Angelia, your sharing provides learning to us all, thank you for being so forthcoming.
Hugs to you
Hi Angelia. Thank you for continuing the conversation on the other post ‘why should I’ where I describe my daughter’s struggle with her flatmates. Oh the muddle we live in sometimes and I am so pleased to finally get some clarity.
Thanks for exploring further, Love Wilma
Hello Ladies
And thank you for sharing this very valuable article.
I love Tess’ story because within it there is a such an element of growth and evolution. There is indeed a choice between being right and happy – and my goodness does happy feel so much better.
I think anytime we find ourselves getting upset about something someone else is doing or not doing, we really need to re-examine what it is within us that is having an issue with this and why. After most contemplations we will realize that our wants or wishes are not grounded so much in love, as they are in thinking that we need to be or act a certain way.
Evita´s last blog ..Choice Point 2012 – Boston 2009 Conference – Bruce Lipton
Hello there Evita
Looks like Tess’ question “Do I want to be happy or right?” has struck a cord in us all. Such a clarifying question. I agree that her story shows us the stages we can go through to get back to being in integrity with ourselves and be love in action. When coming from love there is no obligation, force or looking good.
I like your thinking girl. Thanks so much for being part of this conversation.
Hugs to you
My father in law used to say “Too soon old and too late smart” and that is how I feel about my own “husband’s shoes” issues. Tess and suZen wrote so well about how we can choose to be happy and grateful rather than cranky and right! My own wake up call came when my sweet William got sick. All of a sudden I realized I LOVED having him and all his habits with me. He is a dream man and from that moment on, I have chosen bliss. It’s made a huge difference. Thanks for this wonderful discussion! xo
Hi Diantha
Wow. Thank you for sharing your ‘wake up’ call story with us. When choosing someone freely & fully, it is bliss. The difference can be almost unrecognizable at times. And your love for your William is coming through loud and clear. It is beautiful.
Hugs to you
Ann-Marie – I have been continuing to ponder this one, especially in relationship to my kids. This is a theme that has been on my mind a lot in the last year, both in terms of my parenting, and in terms of education, as I come from a family of teachers, and my eldest just started public kindergarten. I am drawn to a lot of educational philosophies in which the kids are self-directed, such as Montessori and Waldorf, and now I am volunteering in my daughter’s classroom and seeing the traditional ‘rules and obedience’ type atmosphere there instead. I love her teacher, and I understand why she is doing what she does – with 22 5 year olds, her options are limited, and this is how she has been trained. An emphasis on group obedience seems essential, but it really enforces this command-based culture. I can see already the kids whose psyche is built around being the ‘good’ one and following commands (even with resentment) and those whose psyche is built around being the ‘bad’ ones, and rebelling. Either way it is just part of this same way of thinking.
So I am trying to really notice when I am being commanding at home, and when (if ever) it is really necessary to approach things this way, and to listen to my children’s own requests with respect, so they have that model. Lots of old patterns to break, that’s for sure! Thx for your insight. – Lisa
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..10 Characteristics of Women’s Energy Bodies
Hi Lisa, Have you ever read the Helen Keller book? it is worth a read as her teacher Ann Sullivan describes how she teaches Helen and how every child should be taught like this. And as you can see it has done Helen a lot of good, she learned to think and make the most of life!
She describnes it as common sense and she is amazed at how the education establishment wanted to make her approach to teaching far more complicated than she felt it was. She said that she followed Helen’s interests and took her clues from that to teach from there.
There is a school in Holland who teaches on the same principle and they have a website in English. The information there might validate your own concerns and that you are not alone.
Teaching cannot be done uniformly as noone’s experience is uniform. It is our need to make everything factory based conveyor belt convenient that has taken education into this direction and your concerns and observations are valid.
I can see your difficulty in deciding what to do with this, however awareness is where it starts and there are books like Helen Keller and aventurijn, this dutch school that will help you to find your path.
Lots of love and thank you so much for continuing this conversation and seeing its importance. Hugs Wilma
Hello there Lisa
I really appreciate you coming back to update us on where you are at with this. It can be a difficult one to work out. I too have been spending time on it, focusing alot on how I communicate with my daughter, paying attention to whether I give her the opportunity to have a right of refusal and when she does, that I respect it.
I commend you on your commitment to your kids learning by placing yourself in your eldest’s classroom to see first hand what occurs there and for looking at other educational philosophies. It is tricky for teachers to create the balance between obedience and freedom of choice for their students given the hierarchy that exists in mainstream or traditional education.
Being a model for your kids at home will give them a solid grounding and a sound frame of reference.
It’s wax on, wax off for both of us as we continue this enquiry.
Lisa, thank you for your thoughts as this is a subject that many of us grapple with.
Hugs to you