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Part 2. Making requests, an underestimated skill.
Ann-Marie, George mentioned in last week's post as the master of requests, guide dog Georgie and Wilma.
Writing about making requests has proven hard and really shows me I am severely lacking in this skill.
Last week’s post took me several attempts and this one has taken a long time too.
To be honest, I wish I had kept my mouth shut about making requests. All they do is confuse me and just writing about them makes me cranky.
I know that solving this request issue is valuable as I do see that I need this skill if I want to spread my wings and yet my aversion to tackle this issue is huge.
Requests for me are big scary beasts.
After all my aborted attempts to write sensibly about this topic, I have now decided to let all my emotional stuff around requests simmer for a while to see if I can unravel this issue one small step at the time. So this time I am going for a semantic approach. To remain clear about what it takes to make requests I will repeat what WomenLikeMe has to say on the subject;
“Before anything happens there is a conversation that precedes the action that sets up, two or more people to effectively act together.
A request is therefore one of the first steps in the coordination of action.”
(WomenLikeMe on How We Create Our World through Conversation)
Without effectively making requests there will be little effective action by base camp, right!
Okay, I get that making requests has to do with action and in order for me to do the actions that are too big for me, I need to acquire sponsorship by asking for it.
So far all this is making sense.
The next step is where it gets interesting for me.
To quote again from WomenLikeMe;
“There are three possible in-integrity ways to respond to a request.
1. Accept
2. Respond with a counter offer
3. You can choose to DECLINE”
Aha.
I can choose to decline, I can choose to respond with a counter offer, can I?
I have a CHOICE; I have freewill around requests?
I have a ‘right of refusal’?
AND that is the first thing I have to untangle.
For me it’s where making requests has gone awry.
For me ’right of refusal’ does not exist.
My mind won’t allow me to say ’No’, actually nothing in me will allow a ‘No’ and I never ever considered that a ‘right of refusal’ existed.
I cannot say ’No’ without excuses, fear of the consequences or without feelings of guilt.
On the other side of the coin I also do not know how to accept ’No’ from someone else without feeling rejected. I even make myself wrong for asking in the first place.
Making requests is hampered by out-of-integrity issues and that is what is confusing me.
When you look at it this way it is no wonder that I am feeling as I do and that I am not alone in this.
There is actually very little integrity around requests in the world full stop.
Not that we are deliberately dishonest but having lost sight of our right of refusal, we often -instead of saying a clear ‘No’- wriggle our way out of a clear response.
We make vague promises, we mumble a ‘Yes’ with no intention to do anything or we say nothing at all and hope it all will go away.
Let’s have a look at a simple scenario to illustrate this.
“Can you put all your dirty cups on the kitchen bench, please? I have asked nicely for the umpteenth time so please can you listen for once? I have requested over and over again that you gather up all your used cups so why on earth are you not doing it?”
This is a simple, yet often recurring problem around requests that has never failed to stump me.
I often had no idea what was going on here and who had the right of way?
This request to coordinate action obviously did not have the desired action of putting those dirty cups in the kitchen, so now what?
When looking at the possible responses to requests, the action shows that the response is obviously a clear ‘No’ and . . .
that the person who is requesting the action is clearly not aware of nor accepting the other party’s right of refusal.
Thus this is not a request at all but a command.
Oh!?
So to get back into-integrity, the person who makes the request needs to accept a ‘No’ response as part of honoring the right of refusal,
or . . .
they need to determine if they’re actually in a position of authority to be commanding and then if their command is not being followed, they need to decide what to do about it.
Either way, they need to deal with this lack of action in an in-integrity way.
They either accept the ‘right of refusal’ and stop nagging about the cups or . . .
they can check if they have any authority to make commands and if they do, then take their right to command clearly what they want to have happen with those dirty cups and then enforce it.
Oh!?
And if they do not choose to enforce the command, they then have a choice to change their command into a request and then they have to accept and honor the other person’s ‘right of refusal’!
THAT is what being in-integrity around making requests is all about.
Oh!
Well, talk about simple!
I cannot tell you how much this ’simple’ unraveling took me.
I can see that commanding around kids to get them to do things is quite acceptable AND clear.
We all know that clean your room is NOT a request with right of refusal but a command of do as you are told or else.
As a parent you know that requests are NOT the way to coordinate action around the house, homework or other things that have to be done and it is clear to all involved when someone is in- or out-of-integrity.
When they are teenagers it becomes more complicated as the right of refusal for certain things is okay but for others it is not.
Making requests and giving commands can easily get mixed up and confuse things.
This is probably where the confusion starts for most of us.
One minute we coordinate action via requests and the next minute we are commanded to do things.
What the heck . . . where has my ‘right of refusal’ gone?
Then we enter the world of work and again the boundaries around requests and commands become blurred big time.
We are told we have a right to decline however when we assert them all is not well.
So when asked by the manager at work to do them a favor and finish off their task or do a task outside your job description, did you feel at that moment that you had a right to refuse?
Then when we live with a partner or flat-mates this whole matter of requests and commands becomes really interesting!
Well by then most of us are constantly getting into trouble as a result of having lost this distinction between requests to which you can say ‘No’ and commands that expect you to do as you’re told.
The collapse of these distinctions has been a real issue.
Many commands disguised as requests had me wonder what the heck was going on.
It certainly hasn’t helped to get clarity around refusals, let alone help us to understand that there was something like ‘a right of refusal’ at all.
No wonder we were all sliding in-and out-of-integrity around requests.
How was I to know when I had the right to openly refuse a request or when I was trying to fight off a request, that wasn’t a request at all but an unauthorized command by someone who was just as confused as I was?
And how was I to know if my ‘No’ was received by someone who honored and accepted it or if it was met with nasty threads or passive aggressiveness by a confused operator?
I now can see how I have gotten into a muddle around requests; all this unravelling has certainly been an interesting and very worthwhile. It lifted a lot of fog. Now all is left is practice, eeek.
P.S. The photo is of blind George who is a master at making requests. I wrote about him in my last post.
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35 Comments to “Part 2. Making requests, an underestimated skill.”
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Hey Wilma
I too struggle with this whole business of making requests. I have a right of refusal, my heart knows it however my head regularly butts in and gets in first with my response. So I say ‘Yes’ when I mean ‘No’, then I take no action to fulfill on the request. I simply do nothing and come across all wishy-washy and flaky. These out-of-integrity acts are a killer and something that I am paying a lot of attention to.
What I have also noticed is that when my heart does speak up and says ‘No’ there is no hesitation, no need to justify, no need to give an excuse. This ‘No’ is conveyed in such a clear manner that the other person gets it immediately that I am definite with my answer. The heart has spoken and in its integrity it is received loud and clear. Funny that!
Hugs to you
Well, I’ll tell you, that having ‘right of refusal’ certainly has opened some doors for me and has explained a lot about how come that I was such a confused operator around asking.
For me saying ‘no’ always triggered my mind to come up with bad severe consequences and as my heart was not strong enough, those mind generated options always won.
Amazing how all this noise around requests was there, but I could never really take a look at it. It is a bit like you getting used to a bad smell, you live with it, you get whiffs of it sometimes but you never wonder if it should be there and what you can do about it.
However now I can take small steps towards making requests and I know you will keep putting my mind generated consequences in their right place.
So, let’s go flying, thanks Buddy.
Hi Wilma!
Change and understanding – both are a process, neither intended to be “instant on”. Simmering is a good thing – brings out rich flavors! Just ask Martha!
Hugs,
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..No Fear, No Doubt, Just Fly!!!!
Hi SuZen.
, love Wilma
Is it a process or is it a process, I do gree with you there and thanks for showing that looking at a natural process like simmering will have me see that forcing things the monkey mind way is highly overrated.
I am sure simmering and it is good to be encouraged that that is not a bad thing, because my mind WANTS it solved, right NOW, you know, my mind says you want to fly right NOW otherwise you miss out and blow a painful growing process with practice!
Give me a pill, injection anything to speed it up and give me artificial results that migth feel good but are not sustainable.
I and my heart know that that will not do, so well said, SuZen and I have to give you credit for introducing me to the term monkey mind, I like that a lot as well.
Thus onwards and upwards I go, gaining understanding and with practice, with simmering and unearthing rich flavors to boot.
You are wise for such a young one
Hi Wilma,
No “young one” here, kiddo! But thanks! I’m in my 60’s! Developing patience with myself (simmering) didn’t come over night, that’s for sure. To be honest, I think it accompanied the new LACK of energy I have – it takes energy to be impatient, you know! I’m all about conserving what little I have! Ha!
I used to call my mind, Butterfly, because it flits around so much. Monkey mind fits better because it has that “playful” and sometimes even naughty facade. Glad you like it!
suzen´s last blog ..Reclaiming Great Relationships!
Hey SuZen, what is age anyway. I love your inquisitive and playful mind and that is what I am seeing. Impatience is a form of control don’t you think and when having lived for a while, we learn that control is unnecessary force and not worth pursuing. As you say we can use that energy better somewhere else and using energy wisely is not age dependent although as you say circumstances can support us in doing things differently.
Hugs to you, my monkey mind friend.
Hi Wilma – I love that you’re cranky and confused about all this, and you just let it all out. I’ve never considered that a request might actually be a command, and vice versa. I’m confused too; is it really a command to ask someone to clear out their dirty cups? And I’m wondering, if it’s a partnership, where does dialogue come in? I guess, when I think of requests lately I’m looking through the lens of relationship, since that’s what I’m studying. And apparently women tend to make more requests then men, which men often interpret as criticism (according to John Gottman). Then the woman feels exasperated, the man stonewalls, and the result is physiological “flooding” where neither can engage in dialogue because they need to shut down and self-soothe. The answer seems to be in how the request is made – better a soft start up than a harsh start up. I’m trying and it seems like my requests (to clear out the cups or whatnot) have a lot more chance of moving to dialogue and being acted upon.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..Creative Inspiration From Stephen Sondheim
Hi Patty.
What I am indicating here is just one part of the whole request mystery and that is that when you make a request you need to be aware that the other person has a right of response that is not always the one I expected or desired AND that I need to deal with it in a less emotional way that I have done till now.
I am seeing that I have never considered that the other had a right of refusal and to say ‘NO’, THAT is the point I am making here to clear my confusion.
Mostly I never considered that a ‘no’ is a valid response to my requests and that it does not serve me to make a whole emotional story around the ‘NO’.
I used to be soooo upset about a ‘No’ to my requests and THAT is now cleared up.
With the understanding of the whole response and right of refusal concept, I no longer fret about the no, I no longer make it a drama, I no longer feel rejected, feel misunderstood and all the other emotional upheaval that I can generate.
From that place I then can move on and by talking find a solution for collaboration without these underlying confusions that muddle the waters and only leads to fights about who is right and who is wrong. and what you describes as flooding.
But is sure has been a confusing element in my life and as I can tell from your comment in most other people’s as well.
Thanks for that, it always is good to know I am not alone.
Love Wilma
One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced as I got older was that the more comfortable I was with making requests (and commands if the situation required it) the more comfortable I was in dealing with other people’s requests and dictates.
Tracy that is so the case with me as well. Once I am getting clear, it spills over to the other side as well.
When I understand ‘no’, I can do ‘no’ myself a lot better AND I can handle other people’s ‘no’ a lot better too and come to a far better coordination of actions, funnily enough.
I feel clear, other people feel clear and what a great way to be around each other.
The muddle and the muddy waters around requests create a real nasty and frightening undertone, everybody feels uncomfortable and uneasy AND that is now gone, thank goodness.
What a freedom and what a difference that makes around getting things done with others. None of those silly invisible yet interfering undertones.
Thanks Stacy for adding your views about requests. It all helps, love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
I think one important factor about making a request is the tone in which we make the request. I notice that if I ask for something in a nice way or compassionate way, the person usually is very inclined to comply or an agreement is reached that makes everyone happy.
However, if I make the request with any sort of impatience or frustration due to something else, things never go smoothly. So I think the how of the request is as important as the actual request.
By the way, I love how you are so open with your dealings with requests.
Love and hugs to you!
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..What Do You Know For Certain?
Oh Nadia, like me you are still working too hard to make the outcome of every request a ‘yes’ and feel that the answer is in your power.
However that is not accepting the ‘no’ as a legitimate outcome.
I know that we always think that we have done it wrong when we desire a ‘yes’ and get a ‘no’, but that is denial about what a request really is and it makes a request emotionally laden.
If we just can see that any request is just that, a request that can always be answered with a ‘yes’, a ‘no’ or a counter offer we will be so much better off in making them.
It is the right of refusal we need to grapple with, we need to expect a no as an option, regardless of us doing our hardest to make the request in the nicest possible way.
There is so much to this making request thing, I can write a book about it I think.
Thanks Nadia for giving your take, it surely contributes to teasing out all our issues around requests. It is a biggie. As always, love to you.
Hi Wilma,
I see what you are saying and I think I misunderstood the context of the post. Of course, “no” is always an outcome. In my experience, I have had many people tell me “no” to my requests and I have learned to adapt to it. My point was that a lot of human interactions depend on the how of the communication. If someone utters their “no” with hostility or rudeness, it will lead to more problems. Hence, why people are afraid to say no…they are afraid of the aftermath. So we can say “no” or “yes” or “maybe” but we have to be careful of how we do it too. Compassion is saying no can do wonders.
Apologies for my misunderstanding….trust me…in my experience, I have had more people tell me no than yes, so I never get worked up if someone tells me no. I just find another way to deal with the situation.
Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Chillin’ with the Saltwater Buddha: Being Spiritual in a Material World
Hi Nadia, please do not apologize as I feel we are all in this together aiming to get an understanding of what is going on and how to usefuly look at life. As long as we are not going the road from who is right or who is wrong and as there is so much value in freely exploring. So thank you for responding freely and giving us all a chance to deepen our understanding.
You did make a very good point in saying the answer does depend on how we make a request and how we respond.
Because if you would ask me something in a grumpy voice, my NO could be a response to me not accepting the way in which you ask rather than a response to WHAT you were asking me. AND that is a good point to distinguish to WHAT I am saying no to.
So thanks for your continued enquiry because I did not address this point about watching how I make requests and it sure is a very valid one.
So again, no apologies necessary, my friend, you were spot on and we all got wiser because of it.
Hugs to you for sticking with it, Wilma
Hi Wilma — thanks for this. I think one possible perspective is that, no matter what position the other person is in when they’re requesting something from us, we can always say no. The question is really what the consequences are going to be if we do — if it’s the boss asking us to do something extra, like in your example, maybe it will result in us not getting a promotion, but that doesn’t mean we have no choice. When we stay aware of the fact that we can say no, I think, we’re less likely to get triggered by the feeling that we’re being forced to do something and we need to defend ourselves.
Chris you got it, we can always say no even if ‘no’ is often not respected. A request made when there is no freedom to say ‘no’ is not a request but a command and if the person making the command (masked as a request) does not have the authority to issue commands, then their behavior is one of being a bully. That is where the muddle is coming from.
We also do not know what to do with a ‘no’ as we have it in our head that a request should only be honored with a ‘yes’, to make it a good one; this too contributes to the muddle.
It is a bit like expecting it will never rain on our holiday and when it does we get totally upset about it.
When we get a ‘no’, indeed we need to take the consequences WITHOUT as well having to clean up all our own emotional upset about the ‘no’. We then can move on a lot faster without the mud that the ‘no’ stirs up.
Thanks for teasing out the ‘no’ a bit more, it is such a powerful right to say no. Love Wilma.
Wilma,
When you mentioned not picking up the cups for the umpteenth time I thought about my husband and his shoes.
For the first 5 years of our marriage I requested and commanded he pick up his shoes. Of course he didn’t. So I picked them up for him but I griped loudly the entire time.
A few years went by and I no longer griped but I had the victim “attitude.” Yet I kept picking them up.
Then after another few years I noticed one day I was picking up his shoes and did it matter of factly. No longer upset by his not taking care of his shoes.
Then one day I became grateful that I had the opportunity to pick up his shoes and I became grateful that he was in my life.
The bottom line for me concerning the shoes was “Do I want to be happy or right?”
I decided happy!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Taking Bold Steps To Live Fully
Tess, that is so on the button. Am I right to not to accept a refusal and nag, nag, nag for the rest of my life or do I pick up his shoes and accept his right of refusal AND live happy ever after.
This is such a hot topic, we do NOT know how to deal with a ‘no’ and then you get these power struggles.
As if every request needs to have a yes attached to it.
You are such a practical and wise champ in issues in life, you are going to get back on that pedestal, because what you shared here is priceless and yet so not well understood. I have seen couples well in their 60, still griping about the same old issue and never knowing how to resolve it. One example that comes to mind is a psychiatrist and his artist wife still battling over dirty dishes on the bench, for goodness sake!
If you do not get a ‘yes’, then sometimes accepting it is not such a bad deal, but somehow we are not getting that.
Thanks so much for showing we can live with accepting the right of refusal and accepting a ‘no’.
Having seen how it worked with Roger and his refusal does that mean that you can now say easier ‘no’ to him too?
I can see where this makes life a whole lot easier to bear. The choice is ours. The choice is theirs. It’s not against us in any way but part of the process of asserting. I have a couple of twenty yr old roommates. This helps with that situation. I’m still learning how they operate in a household, which is different than what I thought. I can accept the differences and learn from them.
Angelia Sims´s last blog ..Driving tips with Sydney
Hi Angelia. Hmm, twenty yr olds sure are a great training ground for this and good for you to see it that way.
It is so liberating to indeed not see living together as competing, right or wrong, them against me or any of the other separating thoughts we can come up with.
It is none of that, just someone asserting their right of refusal. After all we live in a free world.
Then of course we can learn about collaboration as well, but first we do need to get a handle on the right of refusal, otherwise collaboration will always come from collaborate my way or else.
I have found this so profound, it is so against the grain and yet so necessary to stop fighting and as a first step to then really collaborate coming from choice rather than obligation, people pleasing, and all the other out-of-integrity behavior. Did you read my post on ‘why should you?’ where I shared my daughters similar issues with her flatmate.
I love your slant, we all have different situations that show how complex this appears.
So thanks, as I said often before, this all helps to unravel these irritants and limitations in life. Love Wilma
Love this post, and the comments, especially the progression outlined in Tess’s, which I think we can all relate to. This is such a hot-button issue for most of us women especially, isn’t it? Often we are so conditioned to be defined by our relationships, and we measure the success of those relationships according to how well everyone is ‘getting along’, which often translates into saying ‘yes’ even when we don’t want to, just to keep the peace or be liked. And then we are resentful when someone else doesn’t do the same thing back.
The parenting discussion interested me alot, because I actually think culturally we probably command our kids too much, and this sets a bad precedent for learning how to respect the right of refusal as adults. You mention this in relationship to teens, but I find myself struggling with this line even now, with young kids. I want to respect their time and space, and only command them in cases where it really is a matter of safety or necessary household rules. If they are coloring, and I want their room cleaned, isn’t it a matter of respect to let them choose when to do that within certain limits, rather than just commanding them to do it when I feel like they should?
This is what I struggle with overall in our culture with our kids, both at home and how they are treated in schools, because I do think the current practices place an emphasis on obedience above all else, and this contributes to these issues with requests and rights of refusal later on in life…not sure I am making myself clear, but hopefully some of it is coming through…basically, trying to find the line between treating our children with respect so that they will treat others with the same respect, while also assuring they aren’t simply out of control….
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..10 Characteristics of Women’s Energy Bodies
Oh Lisa, I love how you tease out these posts. You are a real treasure.
I can see what you are aiming here at. Thanks to our heirarchical type society and culture our whole life is riddled with commands and everybody has learned to be obedience obsessed, even when requests could do.
But with this command obsessed society we have lost the ability to work as a team where we have respect for each other and where we can work towards a common purpose or harmonious living using requests and integrity.
We have lost the skill to make things happen with requests, just as we have lost lots of abilities like living with faith and integrity. These lost skills we now have to reclaim when we want to live life differently and when we desire to steer away from an command obsessed hierarchical and fear dominated world. It is all part and parcel of moving into a different way of living and a lot of it is very unfamiliar.
As your energy post was unfamiliar to me, that is why we are in a muddle. We see that all is not well, but where to go from here?
A captain of a ship can command when lives are in danger, but how often do we need command in our own lives? As you so rightly observed, not very often are our lives at stake so commands are not that necessary any more and could be replaced by team work and requests in ways that would respect our integrity and dignity.
All these topics are intertwined to deal with the damage done by our hierarchical type of society.
We need to leanr to once again depend on our own integrity, making requests, team work and lovingly sponsoring each other’s greatness, sharing our resources and many other things that are currently on the back burner waiting to be rediscovered and to restore our lives. Now I hope I make sense and I do believe we are talking about the same thing, which I find very exciting.
Lisa, thanks so much and pelase keep this conversation going for the sake of your children and my daughters. We will reach a tipping point and feel free to email me with specific questions, it is worth pursuing understanding.
Hugs Wilma.
I love all the comments here, as much as the original post! I’m not sure I’ve been in a real request-asked-request-denied situation lately that has me able to relate to this in an immediate or deep way. Oh wait, yes I have! (hee hee hee) I told my boyfriend I’d prefer that he stay in the States for the full time he initially presented to me (four months versus two). I just laid it out there – my preference. I didn’t tell him he had to decide one way or the other, or that I’d retaliate if he didn’t fulfill my request. (Maybe THAT’S what I needed to do… Hmm, hindsight sure is interesting! * smile * )
I remember reading in Byron Katie’s book “Loving What Is” about her kids’ socks. They used to leave them all over the house, and it used to exasperate her to have to pick them up. Then after she had her awakening, she had a similar revelation as you did recognizing that they might not care about those socks in the same way that she did, and she could accept that them NOT picking them up was perfect. And she could then choose to pick them up if that’s what she wanted and that would be perfect.
The idea of creating a story around why someone might refuse our request, though, is a trap I think everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) gets caught up in.
Like many readers here, I, too, love how open you’ve been about all of this. I hope it’s helped you just to sort through some of it and shine a light on it.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Love Leaves Again
Hi Megan.
Do you know you are a champ too. When requesting your boyfriend about staying for a certain period, you did make a request that he could honor or not.
As you can see with Nadia’s response there is a next layer and hers and yours do bring that up.
Yours is about what Chris said too, what are the consequences when we hear a NO.
I will address that more in another posts, however seeing you brought it up, you advanced people, I will go a bit deeper into the consequences when hearing a no.
We can have the repsonse as Byron Katie and Tess and accept it and realize it is actually not a big deal to accept their no.
OR we can say, we do no longer play when the answer to the request is no.
I mean not to use it as a threat to get your way but as a validation of what is important to you and how you want to continue your relationship.
YOU can decide when you make the request how YOU then deal with the answer.
Like when you propose for marriage and you get a no, you can accept and stay friends or you can say no play and end the relationship altogether.
Responding to the no with a ‘no play’ answer is a very powerful use of your discernment, your right to live life how you desire it and very clear and very in integrity.
Although it will hurt, it would hurt more to accept something you are not able to live with. You have given him the right of refusal and you are both very in integrity whith how you deal with the response. Just as Tess worked through her issues until she got integrity again as well, so are you albeit wiht a different outcome.
Megan, as you can see this is sooo helpful and you are amazing to share this so powerfully.
However you have opened the way to love that will give you a yes to your requests.
Big hugs, Wilma
Wilma, I am glad you are letting things simmer. It really does help us regain our clarity. I often think of this process like this: Imagine holding a jar and scooping up a large quantity of pondwater. When you hold it up to the light, all you can see is everything swirling. All kinds of junk in there, stuff you never saw before! It takes a long while for all the swirling and junk to settle down to the bottom. When it finally does, there is clarity. That is what I am doing today too. Letting the pond water of my mind stop swirling, a day of quiet and settling after 3 wild days of chaos (dealing with daughter and bad roommate situation at college and moving her out long distance–tough!). Noticing all the emotions about everything and how part of me is so very angry about what happened. Noticing that the very best thing I can do today is to just sit, simmer, let the yuck settle (or boil over and out!) and come back to a gentle place of center. I am happy with myself that I did not strike out in anger at anyone or cause more harm. Mindfulness practices help.
I hope that you will find peace with this issue of making requests and settle into a calm place in the pond of your mind and heart. I’ll join you there. xoxo
Oh Jan, not easy to let things simmer when it involves your children. Tough to do it all long distance and I hope all will soon be well. All you want is to rush to their side to protect them and yet letting things simmer is certainly a good way to prevent damage done in the heat of upset.
Having looked at requests from so many points of view from a calm place certainly helps to make the water clear. There is indeed so much swirling in this request pond that I am slowly unraveling and can let sink to the bottom.
I am so delighted that you are all contributing to this, to show what is swirling around so we can have it settle and gain clarity and increase the quality of our lives wiht others.
Because we are living and dealing with people all the time and requests are certainly a way to make this living together a wondeful experience rather than the frustrating experience it mostly is.
Jan, great to have your addition, best wishes and love, Wilma
Dear Wilma,
much luv, Jen p.s. also thank you for stopping by my book site 
its been an uphill climb lately and your presence there meant so much. In fact the next post I had on my heart just this morning, was confirmed from your last comment.. only minutes after it came to me… so thank you for being a loving channel of grace 
have a beautiful day! 
I made a conscious request of ASKING today! I could have, would have originally just stretched my resources and fallen out of budget for pride before, but this time because of your blogs recently encouraging me to ‘ask more’ in a polite and truthful way.. that I am challenging myself to do this! I adore your posts and they are such a help to me on my journey! I truly appreciate you and Ann-Marie sharing so honestly and beautifully! Thank you!
Love’s Leading Companion´s last blog ..Honorable Mention: Whose Your Meister/ess in Love?
Oh Jen, your generosity made me all warm inside and thank you for letting our sharing contribute to you. What more can we all ask, to together move forward and make the world the wonderful place it is.
You champ for being in action AND using your resources by making requests.
How did it go? I know how difficult it can be and how wonderful it feels once it is done and you get a response that is beyond your expectation. I do hope that was your experience too. You know, you are worth contributing too and how great that you could let somebody.
And when the response is not as you expected, well the processing of that is an experience too that will pay off eventually. Then you learn to use resources to help you move on and you still have learned to make requests, namely how to ask for support how to deal with a no.
Ha, if you look there is always a silver lining and Jen I love how we use each other as a resource. Long may that continue, love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
This is an area in which I am seldom challenged. It used to be difficult for me to ask for help but once I got entirely comfortable attaching no additional meaning to a response of no thanks, it went smoother for me.
I do think this is more of a challenge for women in relationships than for guys. But perhaps I’ve just known a lot of those women who would prefer that I be so conscious of their needs that they’d never have to ask for anything. That’s obviously a tall order for anyone.
I’ve always love this quote from Thomas Leonard. “No, is a complete sentence.”
Tom Volkar / Big Link Rally´s last blog ..How To Find Your True Calling
Tom, I do think when you are aligned with your calling you are unstoppable and can make requests. Not attaching meaning is so the thing to do and yet so hard to unlearn for us meaning making machines. That compulsory going to places which does not serve is takes some doing.
And yes I too think women have more trouble with this than men.
However for me having these useful explanations make it a lot easier to find peace while on my way to fulfill on my true calling.
Thanks for all your contributions so far, it all so helps to align my heart and my mind.
Wilma — Okay, I thought I understood too, but like others said I hadn’t really thought about the issue of ‘command” versus “request.” It brings in the whole dynamic about who’s got the power or, perhaps better said, to whom do we give the power?
I think in the the case of making requests, there has to be a clear understanding of the rules between the participants. Sometimes this is hard to make happen. For example, with a boss…you are right that a boss is usually in a position of power and the right of refusal or possible even negotiation might not work so well:~)
On the other hand, in relationships with partners, family and friends, I like the clarity of the rules about requesting something. I still think each party has to buy into the rules or they will not work, but if you buy in them, I think it would easier to say “no” or make a counteroffer without guilt. The rules give you the right. It’s like a traffic light.
1. Accept is green
2. Respond with a counter offer is yellow
3. Decline is red.
I imagine even if you agree to these rules, there will times when one party or the other will run the red light. I guess that an ANOTHER issue for consideration — what are the consequences if someone ignores the rules of an integrity request. Hey,I thought I would add one more thing for you to contemplate. Isn’t this fun:~)
Sara´s last blog ..My Halloween Scare
Yes Sara doesn’t it get interesting, requests versus commands. In the WomenLikeMe explanation, integrity responses to requests are only; yes, no or counter offer. Everything else is an out-of-integrity response. So for example, the response ‘maybe’ is an out-of-integrity response to a request.
Commands on the other hand are the appropriate behavior of those in authority; for example the captain of a sports team has the authority to call the game while on the field, but has no authority to command team mates when they are not playing.
The world of work is a confusing mixture; does the boss have the authority to command you to do as she says? If the answer is yes, then in integrity with you giving her the authority to be your boss, she has the right to issue commands. However the boss is also free to make requests, in which case you are free to decline them.
The difficulty arises because we don’t know the difference, when are we hearing a request from the boss and when is it a command?
In theory it is possible for a boss to run their business without requiring the ‘authority’ to command their staff and to use only requests, however for this to work it requires integrity and the skills of being-in-integrity to be the basis of working together.
Okay, wow to the post and all of the comments. Very thought provoking. It took me a few attempts to read through to process it all. Admittedly, I am not good at requesting, although interestingly my life verse is “Ask and you shall receive”. So, in this discussion I will let my heart lead and agree it’s about perspective. You have to be open to asking, in a compassionate loving manner and open to the answer. In my verse it only says you shall receive–an answer, not necessarily THE answer that you want or desire, but AN answer. And I just read somewhere…in a book, a blog, somewhere…something like no is not a refusal but a directional sign pointing you elsewhere to bigger and better opportunities. Typically my problem isn’t accepting the answer it’s asking in the first place. Thanks to this blogging community, I’ve been challenging myself and asking away. Guess what? There are opportunities that have probably always been there I’ve just not been able/ready to see them. And Wilma, you share so openly and honestly, it’s a gift to watch (”read”) as you challenge yourself. Perspective: here I am wishing I “had socks to pick up” among all of the women who are frustrated that “the socks won’t go where they are supposed to”
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Hi Joy, Isn’t it a treasure to see this willingness to explore this together.
I am not surprised you cannot ask, however I would love if you start making requests because you deserve the resources to make that life of yours fly. You are on to something and while you take the lead, making requests allows others to learn to fly as well in your wake until they are ready to do it themselves.
THAT other side of the coin has amazed me and triggered this inquiry and my determination to sort this as it stops us from moving forward.
And yes, what to do with the answer has many options as well.
Fight, accept, not accept, that is the next layer of looking at the consequences and part of the muddled world we live in.
I think in daily life with each other there is still a lot of clarifying work to be done as we live in a world that is mostly out-of-integrity and we are not playing by clear rules.
That is where for me the muddle comes from and this unraveling lets me discover how far off the game I and most of us are.
Joy, thanks for playing and sharing, may we have our requests soon add value to all.
Love Wilma
PS your time with socks will come, I am sure