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Part 1. Hate making requests? You’d better get over it. They are key to having you fly.
A clear request.
This little baby bird in its nest beside our front door is totally dependant on others for her survival and she knows it. There is no doubt about that when you see this beak and its clear request for food!
She goes for it, no hesitation.
When MY survival is at stake, I am no different from that baby bird.
When I really need to, I can make those requests too.
Thank goodness I have not been in many desperate situations; however in the few times that I have had my back up against the wall, I was very capable of making requests.
When push came to shove, believe you me I asked. I asked for things I never imagined I could ever ask for.
BUT … and this is the killer, as soon as the crisis was over I would immediately forgo my ability to make requests. I’d return as quickly as I could to my independence and I’d try to forget the instance as fast as I possibly could.
In my judgment, having to ask is horrible, horrible, horrible.
I HATE it!
I cringe when I think back on those times when I was dependant on others, I cringe about how helpless and powerless I felt.
And I vouch never to go there again, not if I can help it.
Thus requests have had an unjustifiably negative reputation in my book.
And it could have been so different.
Instead I could have looked back on those times that I needed to make requests, with gratitude and joy. I could have looked at the fact that my requests were indeed granted and that there were people who granted them so lovingly.
I never realized that requests are a superb safety net and are a tremendous way of accessing resources that could make my life amazing beyond belief.
I have thrown requests and their incredible value out the window and instead I have worked relentlessly to increase my independence.
I bet that many of you will relate to this and think like I did about making requests.
It is not hard to see how we get ourselves in an emotional nonsensical turmoil about requests.
None of this talk encourages asking…
‘You can’t ask that’
‘Do it yourself and don’t be so lazy’
‘Do not give up so quickly’
‘I gave this to you but what have you given me?’
What I did not see was that by building up such an aversion to requests, I virtually cut off any access to an entire pool of resources that would have base camp well resourced and my life expedition move forward in a spectacular way.
Instead I learned to plod along on my own and as a consequence I settle for only a fraction of what would be possible in life as I stay fearful, under-resourced and alone.
WomenLikeMe has this to say about requests;
“Before anything happens there is a conversation that precedes it. That conversation is a necessary preamble that sets up two or more people to effectively coordinate action and involves a whole string of requests.”
(WomenLikeMe on How We Create Our World through Conversation)
People who can make requests are so much better off. They are so much richer in knowledge, resources, experiences and achievements.
The difference is just unbelievable. I’ve seen it.
John can make requests and so can George.
George is a local icon in this community where we currently live.
He is blind and therefore George has learned to accept that making requests is unavoidable and a fact of life.
If George doesn’t ask, George cannot do.
If he could not ask someone to drive him, he would not be able to do his extensive community work.
If he could not ask, he would not have become a farmer. Being a farmer when blind is NOT a mean feat, but George has done it.
Furthermore George has gone beyond survival.
As George reached mastery in making requests, he went a step further and started to make requests to increase the quality of his life and of those around him.
He started to make requests that let him do things that came from the deep desire to add value.
Instead of a burden who always needed something he became a tremendous asset to the community.
George is now 87 years old and because he can make requests, at his age he is still fully engaged with life.
He could retire and vegetate; he could forgo his right to ask anymore, to bother people so he can advance in life. But not George, George is still going full bore with requesting and receiving assistance from all areas. Coming to grips with his new computer software is one example.
George’s life is full, interesting and he is a role model for everybody with whom he engages.
As chairperson of the school and the scout committees, he’s achieved many things including building a swimming pool and a new scout den.
George might have been disadvantaged by physical blindness, but he sure knew how to overcome obstacles by asking and thus solved any personal or community problem.
George’s mastery in requesting leaves a legacy that inspires us all.
He has told me that in the beginning, he too struggled with request making and his ability to give up his desire to be independent.
He had to accept that without help he was stuck.
Once he got to that point, he not only learned to make clear requests for his practical daily actions, he then dared to see bigger possibilities and started to spread his wings beyond his own little world out into the community. The world is definitely a better place because of the Georges of the world.
Mother Theresa and Gandhi both knew that requests were the key to go beyond themselves. It was the only way to deal with issues that were bigger than their own immediate survival ones.
Hmm; it seems that my hate of making requests is no longer an option.
I’d better get to work so I can share what can be done in next week’s post.
Thank goodness there is a way forward and to find out what it is, I only had to ask.
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50 Comments to “Part 1. Hate making requests? You’d better get over it. They are key to having you fly.”
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Hiya Wilma.
I loved the line ‘people who can make requests are so much better off’. And when you use someone like George to illustrate the point, I get it straight away. He is an incredible human being and I feel very privileged to have met him. I realize that I have held my tongue on many occasions, afraid to ask, to make requests not believing that I could or indeed that I was entitled to. Now I see that the only way to play a bigger game in life is to play with others, to achieve things together, to work together to take it to another level. As you say the key is to be clear and know the required outcome. Hugs to you buddy.
Oh Ann-Marie, we both have had a lot to learn on this subject.
Remember I even had trouble asking you to take me to the airport when I went to visit my daughter?
I too, have been looking at George with amazement once I got this distinction about requests. It has become so clear what he is doing, I see HOW he is doing it and I see how everybody loves him for it.
THEY LOVE HIS requests as it leads them to do something that adds value and that everybody can feel good about. A whole community has been thriving on it!?
I would have never have looked at it that way or seen what George was doing, if I have not had this explanation about requests.
Pretty amazing for sure however knowing and doing are still apart for me on this subject, annoying as I CAN see how requests can serve.
So buddy, on with the practice, I’d say (with wobbly knees).
Hugs to you too, Wilma.
Hi Wilma! Again, I never thought much about this until I read your post. I, too, felt requests were only to be made when I was absolutely desperate – and as soon as I was on my feet, well bless my little independent butt! One thing I’ve learned, tho I never really thought about it since I started doing it, is to ask people for a bit of help when I don’t really need it but it makes people feel so included and good about themselves when they CAN do something for you. It’s not like I enjoy playing helpless woman games, but I think you know where I am coming from. I guess I feel I have a lot less to prove (about being independent) than I formerly thought was necessary.
Thanks for bringing this up – uh oh, I feel a blog brewing! haha!
SuZen, I love your take on things and can’t wait to read your blog that is brewing.
That is interesting, letting others feel included by allowing them to contribute to YOU.
That is what I got from George and his requests too, he got the whole community going and they became the proud owner of a swimming pool for their kids.
I do not think you are playing a helpless woman game at all, you are just being present to what can enhance connectedness.
If you played helpless they would take you to the doctor quick smart, that is what I think anyway
A sergeant major never get helpless, they just mellow and do requests.
Hi Wilma!
You know, now that you bring it up, I get what you’re saying! I really, really hate asking people for help. But, the times I’ve done it, it has been really great and I feel so grateful, as well as the person I’ve asked.
BTW – did you take the photo of the cute little bird? So cute!
I loved your story about George. My next-door neighbor is 93 and, while he is quite a whipper snapper, he needs help on occasion. And you know what? He never hesitates to ask or to deny my offer to help. It makes him feel good. It makes me feel good that he asks, and we’re both the better for it.
Great post! Enjoy your week!
Hi Lori.
Yes the photo is from the nest next to our front door. It has been amazing to see the little bird grow up. Gorgeous isn’t it, every time when I see the photos I love them too.
Asking for help is certainly not my strength and yes when we can do it, it is normally fine and good on you to have asked.
Great to have such a good teacher in your neighbor, aren’t they wonderful, the clarity they provide to make it easier for everybody to share their resources.
Oh, if we all could do that with such ease and grace.
I wonder how you are going with your writing project and using others as a resource by asking
Lori, great to have you here and I will enjoy my week, love Wilma
Hi Wilma – Yep, I see myself in your post. I think your line about George says it all: “The world is definitely a better place because of the Georges in it.” And the world will be a better place with all of us in it, when we move past our fears of making requests!
Hi Patty.
Oh, wherever we look there is fear, don’t you hate it. Making
requests has so many sides to it, it has been a real journey unravelling it layer by layer and I am by no means finished.
I love all the comments as they sure assist all this unravelling.
Yes, I too totally can see a different world when we change our attitude and habits and beliefs around requests AND that is proven a BIG task, at least for me. However as it is so worthwhile I truck on with the help of my friends.
Hi Wilma,
Gosh, can I ever relate to this. In fact, I was just thinking yesterday about a volunteer position I’m involved with – and how some extra help would be great. And then I think – “but that means I have to go out and ask…ughhh”. And then I come here today and read this!
So “right on”. Asking for help can be so good. And it helps to free up our own selves, to really focus on what matters to us, or to learn something new in the process.
It’s so good to read this, Wilma. I can’t get over the fact that this is one of my biggest challenges right now, and here you are talking about it. It’s like I was supposted to read this article today…thank you!
Hey Lance.
It is amazing how you always find a real life example to relate posts to. I have seen you do it in every comment I’ve read. Hmm.
Yes, requests are a real resource and yet often a hidden one.
It never fails to surprise me how certain life skills have eluded us and how that is not serving us.
Time and time again I observe life and then find that WHEN we could do things differently what a different life we ALL could lead. I am fascinated by it and thank you, Lance for illustrating with a personal example what I am on about. That is always heaps appreciated as the more we talk about it, the more we get to see that a different way can pay off. I so agree that everybody can win when we make requests and you said it well.
Love Wilma
Wilma,
I can completely relate to this article. I am in the midst of an MS exacerbation that has made it impossible for me to do typical “Mom” things around the house, like cooking, cleaning, and horror of horrors (with 2 pre-teen and teen aged daughters) driving the girls to and from activities. We are completely dependent on the assistance of other families/friends to help us out right now. Our own family lives far away, and my husband is doing an amazing job working full time, caring for us…but he can’t do everything by himself. During my last exacerbation (which lasted 5 months) we were stubbornly independent when people offered to help. This time around my husband and I both realized that the old approach wasn’t going to work and that it wasn’t fair to him or the kids or the kind people who genuinely wanted to be here for us to say “no thanks”.
This has been a valuable lesson in humility, gratitude and the abundance of compassion that surrounds us. Everyone says it’s the phenomenon of “pay it forward”, that’s why so many people are eager to help us out; that when I could do for others in the past, I did. Of course I wonder now, “did I do enough when I could? Was my generosity of heart as open as it could have been?” Questions I will never know the answers to. What I do know, is that when I go into remission again, I plan to be as present as possible for individuals/families in need within reasonable boundaries of my family’s needs.
Thank you so much for posting this article. It is a valuable lesson that we all need to be reminded of from time to time. We are here on this planet take care of each other.
Blessings,
Laura
Hi Laura.
You sure are having an experience around requests and I admire your attitude.
Oh, what you said about having paid it forward and wondering if YOU paid forward enough when you could, is so resonating.
And YOUR “I will never know” is on the dot as well.
These kinds of things are the killer ants for me around requests. All this emotional turmoil around can we ask this, can we allow that, do I have a right to ask, to receive because have I put enough credit into the universal request bank so I can withdraw, all is often too much, so I rather flag requests.
You know, these questions can be endless and I do think in the end they don’t matter and are useless preoccupations!
You cannot tally up points and only withdraw when we think we have gathered enough.
It is on a case to case, moment by moment basis that we can decide and George and you have to ask more often than others and so it is. We all know that and yet . . .
There is no way to play this request game equal and yet we are so focused on it.
And that focus is, I think a very big obstacles to access the resources around us.
As I said before, this has been such a can of worms for me and such a way to understand the weird way of how we relate to each other.
I observe that there is something majorly askew, we all could do so much better with so much less turmoil and I am determined to change it in my life and to share what I am experiencing.
It is only in the observing and experiencing that we find how things can be played differently.
AND everybody’s shared experience is putting a piece of the puzzle in place as we are all connected and yet unique.
So thank you Laura, your comment therefore has been very valuable as your allowing fills the universal credit bank for everybody, you AND me included and that is awesome.
Lots of love to you, Wilma
Oh this post hits home with me. I absolutely hate having to ask anybody for anything. My motto has always been -I can do it myself, thanks.
Hmmm. I do see your point though.
It’s a difficult lesson for many of us to learn – but I can see that it is, as most are, an important lesson.
This post comes at a good moment for me, as I stand poised at the edge of making the decision of whether to ask for something or not.
There are no coincidences in life and I will take your words and think about them for some time and they will help me make that decision.
Thanks for your words and your timing
Hi Lisa
I too have to thank the Universe for timing as writing this post, as much as I struggled with it, has come at a good time for me too.
As I said before, this request issue has so many layers and to keep me sane I can only unravel one little bit at the time as otherwise I get caught up in my own muddle around this and end up ranting and raving without getting any the wiser.
For me it is good to keep in mind both sides, that without the receiving there can be no giving and I personally love to give but not receive. That somehow doesn’t seem balanced.
So go, Lisa go, ask and fly.
Hi Wilma,
Love your post and the baby bird. Jason and I had the joy of watching some “grow” on his back patio. The mom built the nest on a shelf. It was so cute when they learned to fly. One even landed on Jason’s chest.
I am very independent, so I understand the hesitation to ask for anything. One thing that struck me, I love to HELP others with their requests. I spent Saturday with a group of homeless women doing a spa day with them. (I am going to post that experience on my blog soon) It brought me such joy to help with their needs.
The way you put this, shows me another side. I will definitely have to start asking my requests, so that someone else may experience the joy of helping me.
Thank you for a wonderful post!
Hi Angelia.
Yes, isn’t that baby bird cute and how delightful that you could see them fly and land on Jason’s chest. The delicacy and yet the strength are wondrous to take in, what a creator to make this!
When I read the rest of your comment, my first reaction was that I am sooo pleased I am not homeless and on the receiving end of the spa experience and that shows my fear straight away.
Receiving means to me being in dire straights and that scares the living daylight out of me, every time.
So I avoid requests that put me in that yukky emotional state like the plague and that is not serving me.
I need to get over it and that is taking a major revamp of my core beliefs and take on life.
AND I can only learn when practicing it, by experiencing making requests and that I want to avoid even more than writing about it.
However it is all for a good cause and I have to request help with getting over making requsts as well. So as you can see, I am in the thick of it and lots of love to you while you too are doing your change over as well.
Oh brother Wilma (in a loving way),
Even your title challenged me–it took me one whole day to gather courage to come back to read! Because making requests is “not in my nature” and I know that is a closed door because I definitely want to fly. I’m okay asking in a survival situation–but am grateful not to have been in that situation very often. I am not okay asking God, the universe, or “mere mortals” in any situation other than survival. But, I’ve been testing my wings and they are ready:) So guess what. I read your words and made a request I’ve been putting off. An instantaneous change. A baby step. Thank you! I’m not willing to “settle for only a fraction of what is possible in life” I’m ready for big, bold, abundant, so I’m going to ask as graciously and effortlessly as I give.
Ah Joy, well I have used far stronger terms about requests and I know you are coming from love.
It has been quite an exercise, this unravelling and actually throwing me quite a bit in the process.
I love to help and yet I hate to allow help. That doesn’t compute and I think that I am extremely afraid of being vulnerable and requests just brings up those feelings, I guess.
I feel at the mercy of the helper somehow and I feel I never can pay back enough and that so holds me ransom to my helper.
I have no idea how come I feel that way, I am astounded that John for example has none of that going on for him.
So in the end I do not care where it comes from, I do care how to get rid of it though.
I know from your blog, you love to give too and you deserve all the resources you can get to get that wonderful life you are seeing as possible.
For me it is in the practice and the experience of making requests and in that I will finally find my truth about them and my grace in making them. And like you say, baby steps will do that for me and I need people around me to lovingly encourage me and play with me.
So thank you Joy, for your baby steps and going for big and bold. I am following in your wake.
Hi Wilma,
Like you, I have struggled with asking for help or making requests for help when needed. I guess for most of my life, I had to depend on myself and so I never really could ask anyone for help. When I got older and was married, my husband pointed this out to me and it was a surprise for me because I truly did not know better. My husband has no problem asking for help or making requests. It was amazing to observe this when we were newly together.
With time, it has become easier for me to ask for assistance but I could be better at it. Thank you for being so open and it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one who could be better at making requests.
Love and hugs to you!
Oh Nadia, I totally can understand from reading your blog how come you initially rather were independent.
Why would we not, when mostly granting requests had a string attached, one of judgment about your situation.
When I have to ask I am in a vulnerable position and thus far more sensitive to judgment and no wonder there is a catch 22.
I wait till the water is reaching my lips and then I will have to ask but before that, no way.
Isn’t it great you have a husband who is so grounded and can ask. I love how you are able to observe him and learn, I do that too with John.
You must be so busy with all that you do, I do wish for you a whole new ability to ask so you can create even more time for your great writing.
You so deserve nurturing as you nurture others and asking for it is your right!
I so believe we will do the world a favor to showcase making requests and yet I have a lot of practicing to do, eek.
Love and hugs to you for observing and noticing.
It’s amazing to me how many of us have trouble asking for help. Like being independent is so wonderful, or somehow viewed as more admirable than those who request assistance when needed. I know sometimes with me, it’s a control issue. I feel like I’m giving up my power if I ask for help. But how silly that seems, especially when there are times I know I could become more powerful if I had assistance doing something!
Funny how the mind plays such tricks to keep us stuck. My ego loves keeping me stuck, and I love letting it.
Egads…
Here’s to asking for help with an open mind and heart. After all, help has a gift to offer in both giving and receiving, right?!
Thanks, Wilma!
Haha Megan, YES that ego is a killer of requests, for sure!
That is IT, I lose power too and feel totally at the mercy of the helper and then I am so darn grateful I am forever obliged to pay the debt back with no sense when the debt is paid off.
Arrgghhh.
There is no end to how this requesting is playing tricks with my mind and thus emotions, it is amazing, I did not even know I was that creative!
Yes and the mind loves to keep us stuck, another great observation! More food for drama for the mind as being powerful means letting the ehart speak up and giving the mind less power to play it games.
Whoever gave that mind of us such influence?
However I love what you are saying here, here’s to us making requests with an open heart and a mind that is taking a back seat for once.
And here’s to us supporting each other in this scary endeavour.
I love to have you on my side, I am on yours.
Hugs Wilma
Whoa! What a inspiration you are. I needed to hear this. I’ve always been like you. Thought I had to do it all myself and avoided making requests and could hardly bare looking back when I DID make requests.
Then one day one of me dear male friends offered to help me (many years ago) when I was in a dire situation. He is like a brother to me. When I refused him like I always did, he jumped up and got really POed with me and said firmly but calmly and forcefully, “You are so damned independent that you rob other people of the gift of giving. Oh yes, you are VERY good at giving, but heaven forbid if someone tries to help you. You hurt me when you turn down my offer of help. Did it ever occur to you that it might make ME feel good about myself if you accepted my help with great joy, praise and open arms? I would feel sooooo good about myself. Did it ever occur to you that you are giving to ME when you let me help you?
Needless to say, I was stunned….and I never forgot that. It is still hard for me, but I do try to look at asking for help in a new way.
I just needed to hear this right now. My sister is much better at this and she too often offers to even help me with my work load.
This whole post is a REAL eye opener. God, Wilma, you are just so dang gutsy. I just adore you. You are a bold (I won’t say “shinning”, instead I will say) “flaming” inspiration to me.
I am so blessed to have you life touch mine.
You reinforce the best parts of me, of who I really am.
Love,
Robin
Whoa Robin, I am too still riding with training wheels on and taking tiny baby steps.
However you are just so good for my soul though, I so love your encouragement and your seeing me as a possibility, so I receive your gift with grace and enormous gratitude, my friend.
Oh Robin, what a friend to so respond to your refusal of taking up the resources that were just there for the picking.
That is so what we need, these people in our lives who will show us that there IS another way to brother and sisterhood if only we were shown.
Oh, I know we can do things differently and for so long I have been looking for ways to make life so much more what it can be.
I know together we can do sooo much more, fly so much higher, have so many more adventures, it is soo frustrating that one of the key to unlock that treasure chest called life is making requests and I am so lousy at it.
However I am untangling all the knots that I have got myself into around requests, one at the time.
I love that I am so encouraged, I love that we all can see that work on requests will pay off and I love we all one way or another see how and what is required.
You know I feel the same about you, Robin and let’s meet up flying our little hearts out.
Hugs to you, Wilma
Excellent post, Wilma. Essentially, by not making requests we ignore the greatest external resource we have, and that is the intelligence of people around us.
Kaushik´s last blog ..Innocence…
Kaushik, indeed requests are a key to things we cannot do, not know or do not have access to, untapped wealth in any kind of shape or form.
Therefore in my books it is a skill worth mastering and of course a skill that has been invisible to us as most keys to wealth are still invisible to us.
However we are cottoning on!
Hi Wilma,
Like you, I had a hard time learning this. In fact, to this day, I’ll have people tell me, “I’m so happy you asked for help”. It seems I was giving off the impression I didn’t “need”‘ anyone. I’m learning people need to feel needed.
When I started blogging I did the same thing. I would visit other blogs, see something and instead of asking who, what, where, I would go online and search. I literally wasted dozens of hours looking for stuff. As my blog grew, I thought others might be like that too, so I have been very open to letting my readers know that no question is a dumb question and I’m there if they need help.
We do miss out on a lot by not asking. By turning that around, not only does our life go smoother, but we’re giving others the opportunity to share their knowledge. It’s really a win-win.
BTW: I see you have CommentLuv working now. Tell John I was honored to be of help to him. That made my day.
Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Pajama Blogging – Fact or Fiction
Barbara! You are such a giving person, we are all receiving tremendous value from all these blogging issues you present to us and there you are too, having trouble asking for yourself. Can you believe it!
We are so skewed in our perception about requests and I had to laugh at your wasting time to find things out by yourself instead of asking!
I did not expect that and yet I am not surprised either.
Me too, on several occasions I have been struggling alone and John is sitting right there and his knowledge is sitting there ripe for the picking, duh.
As you have noticed, John has no problems asking, while I was thinking, “BUT Barbara is busy, you cannot ask her about comment love, sort it out yourself”, he just goes and asks anyway.
And look, you are only too happy to help him out, and I am even more in awe of your contributions.
However there you are, not wanting to ask for yourself, while you help us out all the time.
It is such an ongoing issue, it pops up everywhere, so there is something amiss here big time in my eyes, argghhh.
So thank you so much for sharing, I am sure that this whole request issue is clipping our wings and I so want us all to fly so much higher taking everybody with us, up and up and up as you do with your blog.
And yes I will tell John, he is chuffed and so am I.
Hugs to you for all your sponsorhip and sharing.
Hi Wilma .. I love this post – just watched a small girl who’d lost a leg, but when she saw the Charity Help the Heroes, said she wanted to do something for them .. and has since raised funds regularly for 2 years, by swimming – and she couldn’t have done it without asking.
How fantastic to have such a wonderful man in your community.
It is another aspect to old age – when we get older, apart from accepting that some things will become difficult and others can help there – eg internet food shopping: as I did for my uncle – made a world of difference to him and was easy for me .. my thought is that I wish he’d asked to do things he wanted to do occasionally, than rather wait for us to suggest things, I was able to do it a few times, but others didn’t and it made me sad.
Growing old is tricky – being prepared to give things up, but which actually make others lives easier, because they don’t worry. Writing their lives down, or as I tried with my uncle speaking into a recorder .. my cousin tried with her father – both well travelled, very intelligent men – one a well known engineer, and one a senior government commonwealth representative .. both with a wealth of info of the last century .. now sadly gone.
George’s story is so interesting .. thanks -
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hilary´s last blog ..Grovel at Gravel … Recipe for a Moss Milkshake …
Hilary, you are spot on!
There is such a wealth that can be unlocked via requests, and you have given some beautiful examples of that.
I can see that your experience of being a sponsor to your uncle and mother has opened your eyes to that and now you have opened ours.
I do think that life experience does that and experience is the only way to do that.
Then reflecting back on it, like we are doing now and bingo we get such a healthier perspective on issues that before were obscured.
So I do appreciate your comment as it so clearly shows the contribution requests can make.
Yes, John recording George’s story has been amazing, as you say the things that would have been lost otherwise.
There is a lot to learn from other people sharing their experiences, if and when we are willing to listen with the intention to observe and compare and integrate it in our lives.
Once again, thank you Hilary for sharing this valuable observation, it all helps to come to grips with this complex issue. Love Wilma
Oh my God..Wilma dear..you have hit a huge huge point with this post. when i was younger, I didnt ask for a thing..and i was actually admired for being independent. You know in school and college. I was class president cause of it too. Oh see me all high and mighty..all independent…I dont need help. I am great just the way i am. And then the real world happened. In the real world, being independent is still great..but understanding that that independence comes at a steep price…now thats a big realization. I learned the hard way, during the course of my first physically and mentally abusive marriage, I never said a word fro nearly 3 years. On the outside all thought i was the happiest gal around, and I tried and tried to handle everything myself..but there came a breaking point…and i just couldnt anymore. Thats when i called my mum and packed my bags and left. I had to ask for help..or i wouldnt be able to get out of that abuse.
Today, after all these years, I have a lovely hubby a darling daughter…and a life I couldnt be happier in, all cause i knew what i wanted and I wasnt afraid to ask.
Thank you Wilma for this great great post.
My realisation made me what I am today…had i not realised this…i might be in one corner of the world crying myself to sleep everyday..like i did everyday of that abusive marriage.
Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Explore Dream Discover{Inspirational Quote}
Aw Zeenat, I soooo relate. Being proud of such a destructive attitude and being encouraged for it, ‘being independent at all costs as an ego booster’, gheeezz.
Oh, I have been there, done that and also the marriage thing and not telling anyone. I did not know this about you, but it shows there is a sisterhood, isn’t there?
Instead of thinking less of you, I am in awe of your resourcefulness, how is that for a turnaround in thinking independence is getting us respect????
If we want a different world, we need to be different and see things diffrently and have different explanations. That takes time and observing and correcting and practice, practice in doing things differently once you know how.
For me all this request stuff didn’t even register for a loooong time, all what counted WAS the old stuff that I took on about being independent and not even seeing all the resources that were screaming ‘use me, use me’ but which I ignored.
Oh, all those limited, going it alone efforts, it just hurt me so when I see them going on in my life and in that of others now I am slowly learning it can be soooo different.
However I am not blind to the effort it takes to change though. the fear of doing something you have avoided for such a long time is huge.
That is why I am so grateful for these comments, they lift my spirit;
The more all this comes out into the open, we can collectively do something about it and support each other when we hesitate in our practice.
As I say, this shows we are a sisterhood.
We all live in a different context, all the applications are slightly different BUT the underlying issues are the same and that is where we are all one and can connect.
THIS makes my heart sing as then we can sponsor each other as we KNOW what is going on for us.
So thank you, sweet Zeenat for sharing so openly and lifting a veil so we can see that you too know what we are talking about and can support change.
Imagine we being the 100th monkey and changing this request issue and opening this wealth of resources for everyone, the world will become abundant and joyful, yipppeee.
Hugs to you, my friend, Wilma
Hi, Wilma… I see the Muse has held your hand as it wrote this post. This is a huge issue for so many people… learning how to ask for what we need (or even want).
I believe learning to ask others is just practice for what really matters: learning to ask the Universe for what we want and need. We need to know what that is and be specific when we ask for it. Thinking we can do everything on our own is a weakening illusion.
This reminds me of the Buddhist begging bowls… I found this description of them:
“The Begging-bowl refers to the the story that shortly before the Buddha reached enlightenment, a young woman named Sujata offered him a bowl of milk-rice. At that moment, he was practicing austerity by eating extremely little. But he realized at that moment that he would need to have more strength for the final steps to enlightenment, and further fasting would only reduce his energy.”
Sometimes relying on the kindness of others is part of the bigger plan.
Lisis´s last blog ..Inspiration: Nobody Trips Over Mountains
Oh Lisis, you are hitting a nail on the head; relying on kindness of others is part of the bigger plan and yes I will go and ask my brother again with more trust and faith and a changed attitude
To explain, Lisis helped me to get clarity about asking my brother for funding and she sponsored me so graceously in my perturbations about asking.
I am so appreciative of you sharing your story of doing things differently so openly and courageously. I feel supported by you going the same path, it helps when I feel I am not alone, even if I wish it to be differently for you too. So I have relied on your kindness as well, when I asked for support from a fellow traveler.
However being independent is well embedded in my psyche and invisible and very much supported by society around me. Any hand out has a string attached to it, insurance, government assistance , pensions all is promised but pay out is given reluctantly.
And this happens at a personal level too.
And as you say, to change this weakening illusion is imperative to us moving forward in a changed direction.
Lisis, I love you for what you are doing and how it supports me on my path.
Hugs Wilma
Augustine of Hippo, the philosopher and bishop, wrote a few books, but the one I credit him more for was his Retractations, where he exposed where he had previously been wrong.
Sometimes, growing up begins with a little “oops”, don’t you think?
Miguel de Luis´s last blog ..Surprise & Delight on Newsies and Pickpocktes
Hi Miguel, oops for sure. Every new experience brings oops as every new experience brings a different view point.
It is observing this, then honestly looking at what has been going on and then correcting when the new view point is useful, is indeed what I am doing here.
I also think that is the purpose of life, gaining new experiences and then correcting based on what can bring us closer to our greatness.
Growing pains are part of the journey and loving encouragement.
Gracias for showing us that we are in good company. Love Wilma
Kia ora Wilma,
Wow, I was sitting around last evening thinking much along these same lines, and then come here and find all these wonderful perspectives. There was a time I simply could not bring myself to ask for help, possibly being a man and seen as weakand needy, or dealing with my own demons. A few years back when I felt darkness sort of closing around me I finally sat down with my beautiful wife and took her hand and told her I needed help. That I could see myself closing off the world around me and did not want to but was powerless to stop it. Rather than push me away she pulled me close and that simple act opened a new world for me, has helped bring what I find in nature into my world out here. I no longer fear making requests.
Aroha,
Robb
Robb´s last blog ..Scaremongering
Tena Koe Robb.
I know, we all have our own stories around requests and they usually are not in favor of making them. It keeps us seperate and alone and cut off from all these resources that are just begging to be used.
But oh no, we do NOT need them, we can do it ourselves so we are not beholden or to be held ransom, indebted for ever and at the mercy of the sponsor.
I do think we have a reason to be so scared of requests, we all will have lots of stories to tell. Why else would we be so reluctant to do something that is so obvious?????
And now it is a real effort to get over these past experiences of personal and collective horror and on to a positive roll around requests and thus break the cycle for all of us.
It has served hierarchy to hold our resources divided and now we have to break free by accessing all the resources and ulitmately our individual and colective greatness.
Oh it is exciting and scary, but the bigger for the sake of what is pulling me forward.
You are a courageous man, to get beyond and access your wife’s resource.
You have gained wealth for all of you, I am sure and your website is a tribute to the awesomeness you are unlocking.
E haere ra, Wilma
Hi Wilma!
I learned an important lesson about asking: “If you don’t ask, the answer is ALWAYS no.”
It’s a lesson I’m trying to teach my 25 year old daughter. She HATES asking. And I remember hating to ask when I was 25. But I think this is a lesson she’ll learn faster and earlier than I did
xo
Peggy
Peggy Nolan´s last blog ..FNLEHPY
Hi Peggy.
There are so many layers to requests and isn’t it great that things as “when you don’t ask, you always live with ‘no’, can so clearly say how limiting not making requests can be.
What I did not understand though was the severe impact, that NOT asking and living from ‘no’ had on my ability to live life to the full. THAT has stumped me and continues to stump me for a while, I am sure.
Oh I love that too, that the more we see, the more we can pass on to our children and the sooner they can get on with life as it is meant to be lived.
Go Peggy go, love Wilma
I loved this post. Our hesitation to ask for assistance or what we need may be rooted from various causes, but nevertheless, holds us back, wastes valuable time and limits our possibilities and those of others.
I think our assistance to each other is part of what the kingdom of God is all about. It is like love, smiles and encouraging words. Those things are only valuable or effective when given away.
Nice job tackling a very important subject.
Erin´s last blog ..The Speck and The Plank
Hi Erin.
I too think this whole request issue when done in integrity has big consequences that ripple out further than our own little orbit, for sure.
THAT is why I am so passionate about it, it lets us access AND share all the individual and collective wealth that is initially given to us as a birthright.
Then we can make this world shine in a way as it was envisioned at the beginning, then once again we will enter the garden of eden and live in peace and gratitude and greatness for all.
And it starts with small individual steps and that is not to be underestimated unfortunately. As I said before to Robb, the power of a collectively skewed and distorted conception of certain human practices is not to be underestimated. However with patience, love and encouragement by like minded courageous and committed people we will change the tune to a more useful and serving one for everybody’s benefit.
Thank you Erin, for ’sponsoring’ this change, love Wilma
Wilma,
I was liking George very much and was trying to imagine what it would be like to farm blind. Wow! And then I get to the computer part and he’s 87 and know you just knocked me off my chair! Then the swimming pool, the Scouts his list of accomplishments are endless. Is someone going to make a movie about this guy?
If they did I’d be in the front row taking notes.
I never had the problem of asking for help in fact I had to learn to be less demanding! I love the way you put how rich our lives and dreams can become when we learn to ask for what we want. Way to go Wilma…many women especially struggle with this issue.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Bold Colors and Bold Fun With Family
Hi Tess. I can see why you like him, kindred operators!
John is recording his life story and the stories he tells are amazing. he even fought with a bull who strayed amongst his milking cows and which he thus regarded as an unwilling cow at first.
Yes, from reading your book and seeing you in action I do get you can make requests, boldly.
About the demanding part, that obviously comes from people who cannot say ‘no’ and thus consider you, the requester a nuisance.
It is however great to hear Tess, from the horse’s mouth so to speak, that making requests does enrich lives.
I am learning that that is indeed the way to go and I love your encouragement and you are still my role model :0
Wilma, this is a great post! I love the bird with that ‘clear request’ – what a great title for that pic also! This is such a challenge for me; I hate asking for help! I am getting better in this area, but I think I have this independent mindset and also a sour addition that has to do with those who ask ‘too much’ and so I never want to hold that ‘irresponsible lazy’ role which depends on others in a way that is unhealthy. Extremes are the true issue I know, but even still I struggle to stay in the middle. I feel those who help me in my rare clear requests are my heroes and friends to the end because I’m so grateful they got me out of an unforeseeable pickle ! lol
but anyway, this is a great post to refresh the need to depend on each other in a beautiful lavish loving way ~we take away the chance for another to gift us when we do it all our own. This is a lovely reminder to keep a balance and to let others in to make an outstanding team effort! Namaste! ~Jen
Love’s Leading Companion´s last blog ..October Journal: A Peek into Our Mailing List!
Oh Jen, you say a lot of things in your comment that apply to all of us who have not learned how requests can fit in life and collaboration.
I too am so beholden to people who say ‘yes’ to my requests, I too feel forever in their debt and THAT is of course not a great place to be.
Oh the pickle we get ourselve into because of this unclarity and bad evolved skills around dealing with each other.
Jen, I so appreciate your honesty because declaring that we actually do not have the skill of making requests brings it out in the open and focuses our attention on it. Once aware it becomes hard to ignore and when it becomes hard to ignore we are ready to take action. Well, it seesm we all are right here, ready to get this darn requests thigns sorted together. It does make a difference to know how to do it and to get rid of this indebtness forever.
At the moment I am indebted to you, forever, for saying ‘yes’ to commenting
But seriously, Jen I am so appreciative of having us all giving this a serious look at, it will make for a better world eventually.
Namaste, Wilma.
And that said…
In reading this blog entry and reading all of your comments, could I request some prayers sent my way? I live in Vermont, in the US. I went to my annual checkup and my naturopathic Doctor found ’something different’ in my right breast during the examination. I have scheduled a mammogram for the 10th of November. I, too, would not ordinarily ask for help but I think that you have all helped me to realize that it is not only ok, but that asking is one way of uniting in spirit I am trying to not surround this with fear, yet, I would feel so much better knowing that there are higher workings going on. Hopefully, all is well. I thankyou so much. Debra
Dear Debra, asking sure is a way of allwoing connecting and that is just what you have done.
I can understand your fear and I aplaud you for not going there and using asking so we can sponsor you in staying in touch with your healing powers.
My love and prayers and thoughts for your wellness are certainly coming your way.
Lots of love, Wilma
Dear Wilma.
I want to update you on the good news! My mammogram was done on Tuesday. I just received a call from my Doctor and she said that everything is very good and I have healthy breasts!!
Overcoming ‘Fear’ was the biggest obstacle. Knowing that you were sending your healing thoughts and prayers was like a balm for me.
I thank you so very much. And thank you for your blog, which gave me the opportunity to request prayers. I certainly know that I received them.
Love, health and great joy to you!
Debra
Hi Debra
Oh how good news and yes overcoming fear is a biggie. In love without end Jesus says that worrying is disrespect for God’s plans. Hmm, it took me a long while to get what he meant but I am getting to the stage where I am more and more trustung.
I am so pleased that you trusted prayers,
Continued love, health and great joy to you too, thank you for allowing me and this blog to contribute.
Love Wilma