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Regrets, mindclutter and weakness in completion.
Completion; John's Dad being showered with love.
“Completion brings harmony to your life and to relationships.
Completion is a great way to unclutter your world and your mind.
It’s worth your while to observe where your weaknesses are with completion.
(WomenLikeMe on Completion)
Completion relating to relationships refers to things such as wanting to say thanks to somebody but never getting around to doing it.
Oh, how this aspect of completion struck a cord with me! It hit a nerve big time.
Not having done this particular completion has left me with huge regrets, which means there is definitely no harmony and a cluttered perturbed mind persists. It is amazing how incompletion can leave you feeling out of sink and how it keeps occupying your mind.
One thing I do regret is not saying the things I would have liked to, when I went to Holland to visit my dying mother for the last time.
I totally lacked knowledge around completion and thus missed the chance to say everything I so dearly wanted to, in order to complete with my mother and say goodbye.
All I was capable of at that time was to deny that she was dying.
We were all pretending and it was business as usual. As this was the case I didn’t say things that in hindsight I would have loved to say.
I loved my Mom.
She was awesome and when I was young we had great times together. When I was older I got caught up in my own world and I connected less and less with her.
But I knew that she was available at any time, ready and waiting for me. Whenever I needed her she was always there, never complaining about wanting to see more of me or wanting me to act differently.
When she died I regretted that I never really said ‘thanks’ to her for being so unconditionally loving. I would have loved to say how I appreciated her for not complaining that I moved to New Zealand. I knew that she hated that I lived so far away and I knew that she struggled with not being able to see her grand children. But she never said a word and that was amazing.
I wished I had said to her that she was the best Mom in the world and yet I said nothing of the kind.
I would have loved her to know that her knitting kept us all warm in winter and how her little habits were now mine too.
I would have liked to say sorry for all the times I felt that she was so stuck in her ways, while all she did was follow a system that made her large busy household run smoothly while still finding time for herself.
I regret not telling her to her face how much I loved having her as my Mom and that I will always remember the fun we had on our walks together.
Having been able to tell her all this, to pour out my love to her would have been priceless. And because I did not know about completion we both missed out on precious moments.
With her passing I was left with all these regrets about what was unsaid and undone.
These incomplete regrets hung around for a long time and it took some doing for me to complete with my mother and to forgive myself for not being more open by showing my feelings and love for her.
Death in particular, poignantly shows our lack of skill with completion.
We let things linger, unsaid, until it is too late.
Instead it is said at our funerals.
What if people actually said the things they’d say at our funeral, to us while we are still alive rather than when when we are dead?
Would we all feel differently; in harmony with ourselves and others?
And how would we grieve, peacefully rather than with regret?
Recently I saw that completion does make a difference.
I noticed the harmony and peace it brings when you say and do what is on your mind before it is too late.
A few months ago I witnessed John completing with his father.
John’s father is still alive but being in his eighties John realized it was time to get into action with acknowledging his father.
He asked himself the question ‘If I was to attend my father’s funeral at this very moment what would I regret not having said to him or done for him’.
What came up for John was that he sincerely wanted to thank his father for all that he had done, that he wanted to take him tramping in the mountains once more, something that his father had wanted one last time. He also wanted to ask him a single question, one that has been on John’s mind, one that had never been asked.
That question being, had his Dad had ever met with his birth father.
That was it.
So John took his father on the trip to the mountains and during that time John acknowledged his Dad, expressed his love for him and thanked him for being his father. He also asked his question.
Completing with people is of course not limited to elderly parents.
Whenever people or relationships are occupying our mind there is something incomplete that requires action.
It is the ‘lack of follow up on that pre-occupation of the mind’ that will eventually cause things to fester resulting in regrets that drive harmony and peacefulness out of the window.
The value and beneficial consequences of the skill of completion are huge and I love the sense of lightness and peacefulness that completing creates.
37 Comments to “Regrets, mindclutter and weakness in completion.”
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Wow Wilma, what a post. Thank you for sharing your experience of your Mother’s death and also showing another aspect with John’s story. This is very timely for me as I am in Ireland completing with my Mum and Dad and my country for that matter. At the start it was challenging however with your support and love I am now in action, especially with my parents. I’m feeling more and more peaceful as each day goes by. Regrets about a life that I could have had in Ireland have faded and I am looking forward to going home to my life in New Zealand. Completion is such a crucial part of my visit and I am dealing with it in a way that I could never have done had I not had this explanation on Completion and the love of a friend. Thank You Wilma. Hugs to you.
Oh Ann-Marie, although completion sounds so simple, somehow it takes courage. How often do we actually initiate an interaction from the heart in which we are openly expressing our deepest gratitude as a completion. Not often.
But I can see how the preparation has set you up and how it will give you such peace of mind when you are back.
Good to complete with the country you have left behind as well, it will stop you from looking over your shoulder and compare all the time.
It so stops the past from dragging along when you want to move forward.
Good on you, I am so excited for you. Lots of love to all of you over there, give Molly a cuddle, hugs Wilma.
What a thought-provoking and powerful post, Wilma! Thank you. It says what so many of us are afraid to say…that we may have missed the boat when it came to saying our Thank You’s to those we love before they leave us. Completion is important and I wonder if it is our profound lack of self-confidence, our fear that we will not be well received, or our inability to love without hesitation. My friend Mari describes it this way: I always err on the site of love. That feels like a powerful way to live. Risk, tell someone you love the, clear the air, forgive, let go, move on, appreciate fully….Without that, as you say, our mind can remain a clutter of unprocessed junk.
Blessings to you…
Hi Jan. I agree with Tess, this “I err on the side of love” is such a profound thing to realize. I have a feeling that for me it comes from being made fun of when I was little. I had 3 older brothers and when the litle youngest one, I was an absolute fun target for riducule. I can see that my innocence would have been fun to play with and although I do not hold it aganst them, it has done damage.
Those little kids when they express their love for for life, people and everything they come across, they need to be encouraged NOT dumbed or shut down.
As most of us I have become fearful to express love and I am now correcting that surely and slowly and I am learning to face ridicule, rejection and whatever unsavory reaction that might bring up. Completion is about expressing my love NOT about the reaction I am soliciting.
To see that has been great, to see that I err on the site of love.
So thank you so much for adding this to the completion distinction, it so helps to come to grips with this.
Love Wilma
Wilma, what a powerful post. We all need to wake up and realize we only have this moment, this present moment to say and do. I read somwhere that it was a good idea to live every day as if it was your last – maybe with that in mind we would say
from our hearts the words others would consider a great gift.
As for regrets, it is not in our best interest, mentally, physically or emotionally, to have them. It also means we are not happy with ourselves, we have been “bad” and so we keep right on punishing ourselves. It is not loving. It is not accepting ourselves. It’s really like strapping garbage (stinky) on our backs and walking around like that – oh yuck!
In my journal class, we do the un-sent letter. There have been many in my classes with a similar story to yours, heavy regrets about what “should” have been said to a parent who died. The un-sent letter(s) were written to say in detail what you would say if you had the chance. This is the chance. At the end of our 12 wk. class, we gathered around a campfire. Many of the participants used this time to burn their letters, letting the smoke of it burning go out into the universe, connecting with the spirit of the intened recipient.
I don’t know if this sounds woo-woo to you or not but I have witnessed a lot of healing taking place at those campfires. It was as if the regret went up in smoke. And that’s where it should be, my dear one.
Hugs
suZen
SuZen, I love you and this is not woo-woo at all. I so can see us walking around with that stinking garbage and us wondering where that horrible smell comes from. Oh, how I do see that and how we feel bad because we smell so unpleasant.
What a bind we got ourselves in with regrets AND we mostly do not know what to do with them.
I think those un-sent letter are a wonderful way to come to terms with the un-said loving words and I can totally feel the relief of burning those letters and sending the regrets where they belong, up there to be cleaned and disappear.
I think it is huge and a wonderful way to forgive and bring expressed love back into our lives. From there on we can be love in action without being limited by ‘bad’ lingering experiences.
As you can tell I love your woo-woo way of dealing with this.
Apart from dancing on wooden floors, I can see us burning that rubbish at campfires.
So thanks so much for adding this to our completion skills.
Hugs to you, Wilma
Oh I love what Jan’s friend says: I always err on the side of love.”
My father died a few months ago and I did have completion with him. I visited him regularly for the last 4 years. Some weren’t easy visits because my father and have very different opinions about life. But I went anyway bringing gifts, listening and being present. The most important gift given was my love and nothing else matters.
This piece is priceless! I’m going to twitter it.
Hey Tess, you sure got a lot of things in your life sussed.
I finally got that completion is about ME expressing love, even in the face of non-agreement. It is not conditional on the receiver although we have made it that way. If they do not want my love, I will not give it, I dare not give it.
And it is hard to have love thrown back into your face, people will put conditions on it if we do not express it in a way they want us to.
Because love is doing what your heart says is right, not what convention says is right AND that takes courage I mostly lacked most of my life.
And it starts with knowing and loving yourself, independently of aiming to deserve love by your behavior.
Oh, this has brought up a lot for me and I so appreciate all these comments as they so deepen the understanding.
So as always, thank you Tess ( you are not off your pedestal yet), love Wilma
This is so interesting. Just this morning I had the pleasure of waking up next to the man I love (we don’t live together, so it’s not like it happens all the time), and he can be distant at times. I sense when he’s like that, without him saying a word. And today, I felt this urge rising up from within me to say “I love you.” He doesn’t say it back when I utter the words usually — that’s just not his way. He’s guarded and fearful in some respects. So then I let my conscious mind jump around and weigh whether or not I should say it… I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, after all. This morning, however, I thought along similar lines as to what you wrote and said it anyway. It goes along with not withholding my energy when I perceive someone else is withholding theirs. I need to be me, and express what I’m feeling – especially if it’s good!
I loved reading this, and appreciate that you shared such personal stories today. Thank you!
Hi Megan.
You are so spot on when you say this; ” It goes along with not withholding my energy when I perceive someone else is withholding theirs. I need to be me, and express what I’m feeling – especially if it’s good!”
However we have been so hammered with negative reaction to self expression that it is hard to get that innocence back and express anyway. However you are so wonderful to still do that in spite of the reaction you think you might get. You are a treasure and I hope that your man sees that.
People like you are a sight to behold and I love that you let your light shine here, on your blog and everywhere else.
Hugs to you, Wilma
Beautiful writing…and I really hear you on the regrets.
I choose to believe that when someone we love dies, their spirit becomes another guardian angel who watches over us. So….write down everything you want to say to your mom, wait for the right time (you’ll know it when it comes!) and then read the letter to your soul.
I’ll bet she’ll hear. And I’ll also bet….she always knew as well. Mothers always do.
Lots of empathy!
Hi Barbara.
Lovely to see you here and thank you for your comforting words.
I do hear when you say my mom knew that I loved her and that helps to create peace of mind.
As I am commited to live life to the full and really live as I think we can, I would love to elarn to be more courageous and say it when we are all here together.
And all this cleaning up does help to come clean if you like and then move on. As SuZen says, it is lovely to get rid of the stinking garbage and to learn to NOT take it along with me.
It starts with awareness and observing and then finding ‘useful’ ways to eexplain what is going on and then correcting it accordingly.
Thanks for adding to the explanation, love Wilma
Wilma, this was a very moving post, and I also really liked the comments. We have so many fears and social taboos around really sharing our feelings, and I think this is partly what keeps us from opening in this way. We just stick to the old familiar, ’safe’ topics. So I really appreciated everyone’s comments about the different scenarios they have opened in. I am working on this in my own marriage, as with three youngs kids it is so easy to just get stuck on ‘household business’ topics and not really connect. And as you note, this is when things build up, and can cause problems later on. So I am realizing that expressing both gratitude and issues regularly is so important.
Su-zen’s comment about the ‘un-sent’ letters made me think of one section of Eat Pray Love, where the author is having a hard time letting go of her guilt and regrets over her prior marriage. But her ex does not want to speak to her, so she cannot verbally say what she wants to say. Instead, she does it mentally, with a very powerful visualization, and the release and forgiveness (both for herself and him) that she experiences becomes a big turning point in her journey. So I think we communicate on many levels, and we also release things on many levels, and it is never too late perhaps to say these things and experience the healing that needs to occur. Thx – Lisa
Hi Lisa.
Aren’t all the comments great. I too so appreciate all the different perspectives, it all adds to the understanding of how we have become so shut down and thus create regrets.
For me it shows how our heart has been hammered and has been stopped from speaking up.
And that is tragic as in our heart we will find the connection with God and all that is. Our mind cannot do that, ever and yet is has taken over control, even of our love.
I do agree that there are many ways to reconcile and to forgive ourselves, that is so beautiful of the heart and its ability to love.
Only the mind wants things to be a certain way and goes for safety as you say, the mind seeks to do thngs proper, the heart is flexible and goes for solutions that are respectful, honest, coming from love and which bring peace.
You go Lisa, to work on your marriage and I do appreciate that that takes some doing with 3 young children and all the other wonderful things you do, like your blog andmaking these in depth comments. You are a legend and hugs to you, Wilma
Thanks for the reminder – it’s so important to remember this. I’ve sometimes missed the boat with completion. Still learning on that one. But I love what Barbara says about writing letters. I’ve done that many times, even when I have had completion, and it’s always been a tremendously powerful experience.
Hi Patty.
Lovely to hear from you and yes there is never an excuse why not to start now.
I love the fact that every day is a new beginning and that there is really no big stick that will kick us back when we have failed the day before.
For me completion is a way to move forward and have that kind of confidence to start now over and over again.
I also love the feeling that completion is cleaning up the mess I have left behind. I like that.
Thanks Patty for encouraging all of us not to linger and get on with it.
Love Wilma
Kia ora Wilma,
Wow, these words mirror so much of my own journey. Living in New Zealand so far away from my mom and her access to her grandchildren. And also in death of my father before I came here, which sychronistically was heavy on my mind today for some reason, even though he died over 20 years ago. I was so focused on the business of burying him I don’t think I ever grieved properly. Perhaps I am reminded of that in the way the indiginous Maori of New Zealand grieve the loss of loved ones, mourning openly, talking to the deceased, saying their good byes and leaving nothing unsaid. The body will even stay in the family home for a few days so people can pay respect. So different from our hands off western concept of making it a business and something to be done. I am getting off track, sorry Wilma, but your wonderful words have reminded me of so much, and that even though I try to leave nothing unsaid or unspoken with my mom, that I can do better. Kia ora!
Aroha,
Robb
Tena Koe Robb.
In the Western world we have lost a lot of life skills that have to do with how to deal with the matters of the heart. I find it incredible what a loss that has generated and how that has caused us to be in such a muddle about things.
I do agree that indigenous people do have a great way to listen to their heart. For me it is learning skills to find that wonderful balance between heart and mind and to find a useful and workable explanation how to go about life that takes us away from the enslavement of material structures.
It is amazing how the loss of your father and my mother can have these lingering emotions and it is great to finally lay them to rest and keep them in loving memory.
It is great that you still have your Mom and yes it is hard when she lives so far away. Wonderful to be so conscious of how you relate to your mother and what I have learned too that leaving things unsaid with your children is also an incompletion. I recently completed with one of my daughters by hearing her and then I apologized. That was a great completion too.
Robb, thanks for listening and sharing your experience. As I said it all adds to all of us getting this powerful distinction and how to share love in our lives.
Ka kite ano, love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
As I was reading this post, my heart went out to you. I lost my mother years ago, but we had completion.
Life is short and sometimes it only gives us that one last chance. It’s when we don’t take it, we can live with regrets.
A friend of mine lost her husband and one thing her grief counselor told her to do was to write a good bye letter to her husband. I know she tried, but at that point in time the pain was too close to the surface. I don’t know if she ever followed through with it later, but I do think the letter concept is fabulous.
Hi Barbara. Isn’t it wonderful to have that complete feeling with your Mom, you are wonderful to have achieved that.
It makes it so much easier to give them the memory they deserve. They would not want us to go on feeling all these regrets either, I am sure.
Oh that must be hard to lose a husband and all the feelings of loss that go with that. The anger of feeling abandoned must be hard to come to terms with. I do hope too that she will find ways to complete with her husband, even if it takes a few years. At least she then gets a chance to move on.
As always, thank you Barbara for adding value to the post.
Hugs Wilma
Wow Wilma!
How difficult it is to share something so intimately personal. Thank you.
While I have not had a close family member die, I did have a very good friend die in 2007. I’ve written about his death and how he was taken too soon and without warning (he died in a motorcycle accident).
What bothered me most is that just days before he died, he donated money to my Relay for Life team. I never got the chance to thank him. I still have his email. It’s the last time I heard from him.
Today, my daily prayer is simple: I thank God for all that I have in my life.
Thank you for this Wilma.
xo
Peggy
Hi Peggy.
Wonderful to have you here and isn’t it hard to come to terms with such sudden losses. However he was complete with his donation to your cause. He could have left that too late too and he did not. That is something to really appreciate as well, I think.
With a sudden death completion has to be done in a different way. What has helped me is to understand these lingering feelings, these regrets. Now they have a name and an explanation and I can do something with it in ways that some people have described in their comments.
AND knowing this has made me aware of how to NOT leave too many things unsaid or let them dragg on.
It is making my life a lot lighter.
Gratitude to God is a great thing, that is completion too and then as that has become a habit the next logical step is to say that to people in your life as well.
Loved your comment, Peggy, love Wilma
Beautiful , thought provoking post Wilma. Good questions to ask your mind and keep it clean. I lost the father who raised me over a year ago. Luckily, I visited the weekend before from 180 miles away. Sometimes I think God guides us in these completions. I got to hug his neck and kiss his cheek for the last time. I will never forget that. It’s always in my heart. Thank you for this precious reminder to look at the whole picture and speak your soul always.
Oh Angelia, isn’t it great to have been able to do that with your father by listening to an impulse.
Sometimes life is so busy because we can do all these things now and time slips by without having done these kind of completions.
Slowing down and listening and following up is priceless.
Bless you and your father for having those last moments. I smile when I read your hugging his neck and kissing his cheek.
What a memory to carry in your heart and what a lovely contribution to what completion can do for us.
Angelia, thank you, love Wilma
Wilma,
What a moving and poignant post. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. Such great wisdom here. I have to bookmark this post because I want to be able to come back now and then to get things in perspective.
George
Hey George, my Mom will appreciate that at least she continues to contribute to me and others like you. Her love has allowed me to face this incompletion, get over my guilt and to share it with others. Cool to be bookmarked, I salute you, George, love Wilma
Hi Wilma,
Thank you so much for being so open and sharing the importance of completion. I totally agree that it is so important. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, my husband and I left our jobs and moved 800 miles so that I could take care of my mother has she fought cancer. Her battle with cancer lasted 6 months and we never regretted our decision to uproot and change our lives.
At the time, people made comments about how we left everything. But my answer was that we could always find another place to live and other jobs but we would never get that time with my mother back. Ironically, some people tried to make us feel bad for doing such a thing.
During those six months, I learned so much and was able to thank my mother for being in my life. We asked each other for forgiveness on certain issues and when she took her last breath, we were all by her side. My conscience was at peace because I was there through it all. It changed my life on so many levels.
Oh Nadia, from reading your blog I know how you have worked to attain this level of beingness from which you can do things like completion. And how that is contributing to the quality of your life and others around you.
In the do-ing shows how you are being and also vice versa from the doing you create the be-ing of peacefulness for example.
What a gift to your mother and you, and not surprising that this clear act of courage and daring to following your heart, is so little understood. We seldom see it role modeled so when we see it happening in front of our eyes most people are taken aback and shocked and do not know what to think of it.
I have lost so much about my be-ingness and my heart self, but I am becoming aware and with useful explanations I am crawling my way back to where I belong, a prosperous being worthy of its source.
Nadia, I see the courage of your amazing heart self, thanks for showing it to us, hugs to you, Wilma
You are wise and you are a gift to so many people.
Thanks for this post today, Wilma.
I learned a lot from what you shared about the steps John took with his father. I enjoyed how you contrasted this with your feelings and thoughts about your mother.
I’m so glad I found you, Wilma. I have learned a lot from your presence here on the internet, your comments on other blogs, and from your wise, warm heart.
I want to thank you for being a positive influence in my life.
~xo~
Hi Lori, well to know a wise, warm heart you need to be one.
I so appreciate your hearing what completion means so incompletions can no longer fill your life with regrets either.
The havoc they can create, at any level from ignoring bills to completing with people is quite astounding once you become aware. Arggghhh. But no more hey, we are going to complete.
Lori, you are a champ for playing, it will make the world a better place, I am convinced of that.
Lots of love to you too, Wilma.
Hi Wilma, Thank you for sharing such an intimate story. This topic of completion within relationships is really an important one. With your mother, I think you did the best at the time that you were capable of. I don’t think anyone can anticipate how we will feel when one of our parents is dying–you dealt with it in the only way you knew how. What you wrote here in your post about your mother is so, so sweet. The words are soft and they remind me of balloons floating up to heaven-special little gifts. Perhaps she is reading your thoughts now and smiling down in gratitude. My own mother and I do not have a relationship. We have seen each other only once in the past three years. It really is for the best that way, for me anyway. I often contemplate how I might feel if she died–will I regret not saying more? I don’t think so but I keep asking the question, so that might be an indication that something more is warranted. Anyway, thank you for this. It’s very thought provoking! (And wow, what a story about your husband! Good for him for taking that trip with his dad and telling/asking him what was on his mind. Sounds like you are married to a wonderful man.)
Hey Jodi, you are so thoughtful and non judgmental and loving and yes I did the best I could at that time AND I know now that I can do better too. So be it.
What I love about the explanations that are now available to me is that I feel inclined to want to do better in a way that is so much more suitable, joyful and useful to me and to others.
That however doesn’t mean again that there is one hard and fast rule for all, it doesn’t mean we can all take our loved ones on trips or make happy families.
What it has meant for me is, and something that you also noticed, is that if there is something niggling about somebody, listen and see authentically and with integrity what there is for YOU to do. It must be hard to have a relationship with your mother like you have and it is up to you to find peace with that in a way that suits you and it might never involve your mother physically either.
John could do it with his father because his Dad allowed it, it will be a different matter with his mother.
But completion is for you, as long as you are complete with what is on your mind and in your heart, that is it; whatever current convention or anybody else says. The value lies in that you know you have done what your heart desired to do and that fear did not stop you.
I am indeed blessed with John and Ann-Marie as we all can encourage each other to be our greatness and practice these scary things.
Jodi, lots of love to you and you deserve a very peaceful mind around your mother. You touched me with your sharing, this is not easy, you are great, hugs Wilma
Wilma! A great post, on an important subject, and a beautiful reminder, to be present in our interpersonal relationships. We’re reluctant because of fear–it’s a glorious thing when we can release fear.
k
Kaushik, I acknowledge your acknowledgment. Thank you.
Fear is a killer and yes be gone. Love Wilma
Hi again Wilma,
Thank you for your response…xoxox, Jodi
Hi Wilma .. what a lovely post. I totally endorse what you say, especially as I’m experiencing the last ‘days’ of my mother, who will live on, and my uncle, who sadly won’t last long.
My mother and i have have done a lot of talking – she doesn’t open up much .. but we toddle along and are happy with things and have fun and laugh. I know she had a difficult life in parts and has contained herself and continues to do so – particularly as she is a prisoner in her own mind now – despite being lucid: it is very difficult.
My uncle – has sadly just suddenly declined after falling in August triggering the cancer .. in 4 weeks he’s gone down dramatically and it is terrible. We have had some good times and caught up somewhat on those long lost years, before I came into his life after his wife died, as the niece who was able to help.
Both of them to my surprise totally relate to my blog .. and it’s now one of the first things my mother asks about!
They are brilliant – I must go now .. lots to do today, and I must prepare.
I’ll be back – all the best
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hi Hilary.
You are amazing, that is doing completion with both your mother and uncle big time. It must be difficult and hard and emotional and loving all at the same time. It is hard to imagine.
How amazing that they relate so well to your blog, it is a lovely blog though and your mister postman notes are a great addition so we know what is going on.
I do hope you have some support as well, Hilary. you have mine in spirit but it would be great if there was some practical help as well.
Best wishes as always and a hug to you, Wilma