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Forget unfair and luck, integrity is what counts.
| ‘By living from integrity, you align yourself with the way the Universe works. When you live out of integrity you get unreliable results. You might think the world is unfair and picks on you, which it does not.’ (WomenLikeMe on Integrity) The unfair, random acts we think we receive from the Universe are generated by our own randomness around being in and out-of-integrity. Ouch. |
 Sitting and enjoying the sun while being fully in integrity. John is getting the drinks |
It ultimately determines whether we end up working with the laws of the Universe and getting wholesome results or working against the laws and achieving randomness.
So what is this integrity that is so important to have the Universe effectively and pro-actively on our side and us being a reliable partner it can work with? The dictionary defines it as either 1) the quality of being honest and morally upright or 2) the quality or condition of being whole or unified; completeness.
The second definition makes the most sense to me.
For example when a plane is in-integrity, the plane can be expected to reliably perform, which of course is quite important for the plane.
And when a plane is out-of-integrity it will not perform well and it will get into serious trouble.
And the same goes for us.
When we are out-of-integrity our performance and quality of what we are achieving in life is sure to decline and we too create a mess in our lives.
Lucky for us Integrity is not a fixed state.
Integrity is something we ‘do’, not something we ‘have’.
We actually flow in- and out-of-integrity with our words and actions.
As we fail to do something that we said we would, we slide out-of-integrity and as we clean up that unkept promise we move back in-to-integrity.
Being in-integrity is all about taking ownership, being accountable and accepting responsibility, doing and completing things whole-heart-edly.
Being out-of-integrity is all about denial, excuses and blame.
I always cringe when I look at myself regarding integrity.
It is really tricky, because although important, being in-integrity is not that visible to us.
To illustrate I take this question about integrity;
I would have firmly answered in the past; ‘What do you mean? Of course I do, I even pride myself on doing my part. I can be counted upon even when I am very busy!’
Although most of the time this is true, it turned out that I was a bit hasty with my answer.
Because when I do overpromise, which is something I do often as I have trouble saying ‘NO’, I deliver however I am not in-integrity and therefore cause random and unfair results.
It happened the other day.
I was busy cooking when John asked me if I could bring him a drink.
I immediately said ‘Yes‘ even though it was really inconvenient and interrupted what I was doing. Despite this I rushed to the table, gave him a dirty look, filled his glass and with a loud sigh I rushed back to the stove and complained that the food I was preparing had burnt.
When John then dared to suggest that all this might have been caused by my own doing, I went;
“WHAT!
Excuse me!
I did what you asked, didn’t I?
I did what I said I would, did I not?
And as a thank you I get picked on AND the dinner gets slightly burnt!
Great! What a win that was, THANKS Universe!”
I would never ever have considered that saying ‘Yes’ to John’s request was an out-of-integrity move.
But it obviously was, looking at the random and unfair results it produced.
It was quite an eye opener to observe what had happened and it was a bit of a shock as well.
I obviously am not as angelic as I thought I was and I deserved what I had coming; bad move, bad results.
Good grief!
Knowing this, has made me think twice before answering to requests or making promises to others (most of the times. As Ann-Marie says, we still have the training wheels on but are getting better.)
However I am learning and I have proof!
Lately a really great friend of ours invited us to the ball which was a fund raising event.
Attending a ball is really NOT my thing. I cannot think of anything worse.
Hence his request had me in a real bind.
I so wanted to help him and say ‘Yes’ but I also knew that I would’ve resented saying ‘Yes’ as that would have caused major upset in myself.
For weeks I would have been in turmoil about going to that ball.
However with knowing about integrity and doing my part well, I could no longer say ‘Yes’ and put myself through the agony of having to go and hating every minute of it, creating a bad result overall.
So I told him straight.
Attending a ball ‘No’, but willing to help ‘Yes’ , so how about I come and help with cleaning up the hall afterwards.
The offer was very clearly a hit; as soon as I offered, his eyes lit up and I knew I was on.
Phew.
It proved to be the best win:win ever.
I loved cleaning up and being a real contribution, while at the same time hearing all the ball stories from the other people who came along to help. It was like having an after ball so to speak.
That feeling of being in-integrity felt so good.
All these things on its own might seem small, but a string of these out-of-integrity moments definitely do add up, it is no wonder that in the past combined together they caused me to live in a continuous muddle and constant turmoil.
But no more, this is not about me being nice, helpful, unhelpful, picked on or whatever meaning I have attached to it all before.
It is simply about me choosing to be in-integrity and thus putting a stop to the unfair, random acts generated by my being out-of-integrity AND becoming a reliable play mate for people AND the Universe.
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26 Comments to “Forget unfair and luck, integrity is what counts.”
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Hey there Buddy.
What a great question – “Can you be counted upon to do your part and do it well?”
This one really hit a cord with me, as you know. We’ve spent so much time digesting this subject.
When I was naïve, thinking I was always in-integrity, I would have answered a YES to this question. Now that I have a new understanding, I took another look, a closer look, woke up and realized that participating at anything below 100% is an out-of-integrity act.
Going along with something, being part of a group or project because I feel obliged to, does not do anyone any good; there’s no half hearted approach. And if there is it ends in a series of excuses for dropping the ball and not completing tasks. In the end no one benefits. Learning to say NO, this doesn’t work for me and moving on has been so valuable for me. Everyone gets freedom and I can be in integrity.
Wilma I thought your fundraiser story was a brilliant example of how we can contribute in a way that serves us and the other person. I admire your ability to think through a situation to find out how you can be a YES and have it be a win:win.
Now that is being in-integrity; your heart plays full out and you have fun.
Hugs to you
Hi Ann-Marie. This integrity business sure has us going and it certainly has a lot more aspects to it than we first thought, doesn’t it?
For me it explains the incongruency around me and getting a handle on this integrity issue gives me the power back to at least reduce the messes in my life that I was unconsciously creating. Overwhelm, irritation, agitation is a lot less now I am NOT creating havoc with my own sloppiness. Hmmm.
The beauty is that I can start with little practical daily things, I like practical and from there it then ripples through my life and it is giving me my self respect back and peacefulness as well.
Love Wilma
and soon you are on your way to Ireland, one night sleep and you are off!
I can really relate to this, Wilma. I am constantly jumping to make others happy and have a really hard time saying no to people, often inconveniencing or hurting myself in the process. Only later on do I realize that everyone would be better off if I had just chosen a different option in the first place.
Good for you for being able to say no to the ball invitation. I am not one for fancy occasions like that either, but I probably would have said yes anyway. I suppose I will have to learn, too. I will get there eventually.
It’s funny. I would have chosen the first definition for integrity if asked to describe what I thought it meant, but you have definitely opened up an entire new way of thinking about it for me. Thank you. I always get a lot out of your posts.
Hi Caity.
The muddle we can get ourselves into when we are not daring to declare our hand is no fun. It is interesting that we can think that being in integrity means that we become rude, unkind or opinionated, however it means we are becoming clear, transparent and reliable to deal with AND we understand how we can stop bending over backwards to meet external expectations.
This explanation made it all so clear and workable for me and it also put my little voice to rest by saying that integrity is a great practical way to make life work.
And as you say it is all in the practice, that is why Ann-Marie and I are supporting each other and seeing all these results.
Great to talk to you and this is a great skill to have.
Thanks for your thumbs up for our posts, love Wilma.
Integrity is an important attribute each person must develop. Even th laws of nature follows the principle of integrity. However, being a fallible human beings we cannot guarantee integrity all the time. Like the randomness of the universe, there are times when we must loose a grip for a while for the greater benefit. Still, it feels good the be a person of integrity.
This reminds me of my post a while back about how to use our friends wisely… making sure we are asking the right people for the things we need (don’t ask someone who hates formal parties to attend the ball, ’cause it puts them in an awkward situation).
You have to know yourself and know your friends to avoid putting anyone in a bind that compromises integrity.
As for the definition, I like the second part as well… it’s about wholeness. When I’m living with integrity my outward actions are a clear reflection of what I’m feeling inside. If I’m lying, cheating, stealing, or something and ACTING like I’m an angel, then I have a double life (not whole). If I’m “kindly” serving someone else, but resenting them inside, I am divided.
I think living without integrity, without wholeness is one of the greatest causes of suffering. Thank you for another awesome post, my dear!
Hi My dear Wilma,
You remind me of myself not so long ago. The “yes” person. Infact i even wrote a post about ‘the power of NO’ not too long ago. In which i have explained how in learning to say No, to the things i cant do has made me so much more happier and calmer and That little No has truly empowered me.
As for integrity..I still think its in built….and in stirring it the right way consciously we can truly stay in integrity a lot more effortlessly. But, its the times when we don’t consciously think where we can instantly fall out of integrity. When we think consciously we will not be able to say too many Yes’s or too many No’s. We will know when something should or should not be committed to. Hence if we make a Conscious decision to remain in integrity We WILL.
What an interesting way to approach the topic of integrity. You have me wondering now when and how I’ve lived “out of integrity” and overpromised, or said I’d be happy to do things that really I wouldn’t be happy doing… And what’s more how that’s affected the energy I’ve drawn to me.
Things to ponder… Thank you! I needed that gentle prod to do some self inquiry!
Hi Wilma,
Good for you for handling the situation about the ball so beautifully. So often people say yes to things thinking that is the right thing regardless of what they truly feel.
As for randomness, there is no such thing. In the words of Issac Newton: To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.
Hi Walter.
Integrity is definitely apparent in nature, it is us human beings who make a mess of things with our free will and misunderstanding of how to behave.
You say “being a fallible human beings we cannot guarantee integrity all the time” and there is freedom in knowing and acknowledging that. As Ann-marie said earlier, integrity is a choice and we can choose to be in- or out- of integrity as long of course as we know what it is and what to do to get back into integrity. This is what is actually the big issue that is causing this muddle, what is integrity and how do we do it?
The unfair, random acts we think we receive from the Universe are generated by our own randomness around being in and out-of-integrity. I do not think the unverse is doing random, we have generated randomness ourselves and then blame the universe.
Thanks for joining the discussion, love Wilma.
Hi Lisis.
I hear your love as a friend, protecting my inability to say ‘NO’ by what you say here; “You have to know yourself and know your friends to avoid putting anyone in a bind that compromises integrity.”
I would love you to bits for it, in my out-of-integrity days, and yet now I know it can never be you who would compromise my integrity. It would still be up to me to learn to say ‘no’, regardless of your sensitivity to my needs. You see, that is where I got myself in a bind too, expecting my friends to bail me out when I should have taking the repsonsibility , responsibility being another aspect of integrity, by not becoming dependent on my friends knowing me and protecting my inabilities to say ‘no’. And believe you me I have been expecting it from my friends.
However I now understand that it is my responsibility to learn to deal with requests; although sweet of you, in the end I would be in denial when I would count on you to decide for me what requests I can handle or not.
Another point is that when my friend would NOT have asked me to come to the ball I would have missed out on the opportunity to contribute to my friend by cleaning up.
Although difficult at times, I am loving to get a better understanding of where my responsibility lies in all this and all these comments help as well.
So, thanks so much Lisis for sharing this point, hugs Wilma.
Hi Zeenat.
I agree that in our heart we do know what integrity is, we are whole and complete. It is through living though that we develop out- of integrity behavior and lose that indegenous knowledge about how to behave.
It is behavior we are talking about here, such as white lies, taking short cuts, cheating with whatever we feel is okay (going through red lights, eating bad food for example).
The issue for me is that we sometimes do not even know that we are out of integrity as in society out of integrity behavior is so accepted. So even when I would like to be conscious about being in integrity, I need to develop that consciousness, because integrity issues might not be that simple and straight forward and visible. Like Ann-Marie’s mother helping her out with a white lie, that is invisible out-of integrity behavior. Gandhi was close to being in integrity all of the time and I can see from his writings that he had to enquire about is very consistently all his life. Today’s world is making it really hard to come to grips with this concept and with how to do integrity and thus we are still not the ideal reliable partners for the universe we could be.
I do appreciate your willingess to come to grips with this together, so thank you so much for your contribution to this dialogue. Lots of love, Wilma.
Hi Megan. I love it that you allow this post to prod you, this topic had prodded Ann-Marie and me many times.
I also appreciate your understanding of the type of energy sliding out- of-integrity can create, that is where the randomness comes in. We have no idea what these behaviors unleashes hence our feelings of being picked on and unfairness.
Being in-integrity is making a difference, I can tell you.
I do appreciate your openess and I am all for it that it prod self inquiry. That is where we will find the gold, inside.
Lots of love to you, Wilma.
Hi Nadia.
I can tell you that I was pleased how I handled the ball situation too. Phew, saying ‘no’ saved me a lot of agony, that’s for sure.
Isn’t it great that we have all this confirmation about our own ability to make things work. I like what you say here:
“As for randomness, there is no such thing. In the words of Isaac Newton: To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.”
At least that gives us our power back when we learn to distinguish the opposite reactions we unleash with our sliding in-and out-of-integrity actions.
Thanks for adding this quote to the dialogue and hugs, Wilma.
HI Wilma,
I was reading the part of the post where you were invited to the ball, but really didn’t want to go, wondering how you would handle it (I’m not a ball person, either). Your response was perfect, thus creating a win-win.
Too often we do say yes so as not to upset a friend or family member, when in reality, being unauthentic only hurts us and gives our friends the wrong impression of who we truly are.
Fabulous post, Wilma.
Hi Barbara.
As you can see it has been a very interesting practice to nut this out for Ann-Marie and I and for others as well looking at teh great comments. For me getting more understanding about my own doing around it has been indeed freeing. It leaves me with a feeling of having a choice and that I am transparent to the people around me. Giving a wrong impression has been weighing on my mind too and was wasting a lot of energy.
So onwards and upwards and thanks to you too for adding your thoughts and experience about integrity.
Love Wilma
Wilma,
I love how you said at the end, all these moments may be small but they add up —- indeed they do! Our lives are made up of small moments. Once we realize that, then when little things that come up that tend to jolt us, we can blow them off easier. Like that book years ago, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: It’s All Small Stuff” I think life can be a lot simpler and easier if we let it be.
Thanks for a wonderful story!
I think integrity is your middle name dearest Wilma! Every single one of your posts is full of integrity. It is what draws me back here over and over. You are SO dang REAL!!
I love this post and of course I relate to it. This kind of goes along with what I told you about living my dream and possibly losing friends because I was unable to be there for them in the way they were used to being with each other for years…and me for a short time.
For a long time I sold myself out and thought I was supposed to do all these things just because I was ASKED. Not anymore. I became sick one winter from trying to fulfill my dream AND still keep being what my friends expected me to be. And when I was sick I wasn’t able to work toward my dream. So I said no more.
I’ve always lived a VERY full life, filled with adventure of every kind, both adventure in the wild, adventure traveling, AND adventure of the soul filled with knock your socks off growth, deep profound unequivocal change. I thrive in it. I also love creating so many things: music, art, writing, etc.
At one stage when I looked at my life and imagined not having lived the rest of my dreams….things became crystal clear. I was not used to spending hours and hours and days and days on the phone. I had lived most of my adult life without a phone, TV, and other “convinces. And was VERY peaceful doing so. I spent my days LIVING. So I knew that for me to continue to try and be what my friends wanted me to be would kill a part of me. It would be like going to the BALL and later being angry and resentful because I had done something that wasn’t in accordance with my inner heart voice.
I always hurt when I don’t listen to my heart voice. I also like how you offered to help, but did so in your own way. Everyone benefited. I am starting to learn how to do this more and more.
I hope some of this is clear. Had a long day today, up very early so you are getting the weaker end of my brain here. Regardless, know that you make the world a more real place for me. You are strong and wise and true.
Love,
Robin
Hi SuZen. Small stuff, that is all that everything in the end always is, small. Oh, why do we do it? Blowing up things so that they become so big that we give up because the sheer size intimidates us then.
Never mind, I am so pleased that you and I are getting to see this; we deserve some progress after all.
Thank you too for your persepctive, Love Wilma.
Oh Robin, you are making perfect sense. Shrinking your world so that you can LIVE is an act of integrity. Moderation is an act of integrity, moderating your interaction so that you have time for you IS your responsibility, I am sooo with you on this.
Our societal learning has created such a muddle, to unlearn these mind generated nonsense is taking a lot of time. But your heart is strong, my friend, you made and kept it strong by living your adventures and I know you will LIVE your dream and leave a legacy, your foot print.
Likewise, you add value, always and lots of love and hugs, Wilma.
If one of the universal laws is what goes around comes around or what you give is what you get then if you have integrity your life is going to work. The more integrity you have the more your life is going to work.
It’s not only our actions that come back around but our thoughts and words as well. When I first learned this I was mad because it meant I had more work to do! It that funny or what?
So for most of my life we have never locked our doors. Never. I knew no one would ever steal from me because I would never steal from someone else. I also believe even if someone did we never really “own” anything anyway.
Now this is the world according to Tess but I also think I can never be attacked (and a whole lot of other nevers) because I don’t vibrate on the same level as attackers do. So the more integrity I have the more I am protected by the universe, God, guardian angels etc.
So don’t know if that makes any sense but that’s how I see it and it’s worked my entire life. If someone gave me too much change I’d walk a mile to give it back. Period.
Oh I do believe no one is perfect (myself included:) and if someone says they always always act with integrity ask them about paying their taxes! (husband is accountant!)
Thanks for a great post on a needed topic right now, very needed as we’ve watched so many people and organizations fall over the last couple of years.
I don’t ever want to trade my integrity for money! And now that I said that I’ll probably be tested! So I’ll stop right now and ask for gentle lesson.LOL
Wilma, I love this post. I have always thought of integrity like the North Pole and my own inner voice as a compass. When I’ve got the compass pointing in the right direction, I know it, but it’s harder than it sounds, and you can’t really tell from the outside.
I love your two examples, they are oh so relevant. The one with John especially, and so so common for women in particular I think. Thank you
Haha, Tess, I too hope you get gentle lessons on the last point.
I personally am so grateful that I have found this integrity explanation. It is surely getting me out of the mind muddle this incongruent world has put me in. At least I get a grasp of what is expected of me, what I can do at groundlevel where the rubber hits the road that gets me to live a life that gives me self respect. It has frustrated me for sooo long that I could not find way that explained my role and part in life clearly, practically and sensibly. Integrity does that for me. It is simply keep paying attention to life and getting back into integrity as an ongoing choice, moment by moment. Nothing airy fairy about that and I like that.
I do get your vibration explanation. In the book ‘love without end’ it is explained that love can never be attacked. It is worth reading that book to get the whole explanation but it sure makes sense to me.
We also do not have alarms and all that. Things got stolen but they can always be replaced, what can never be stolen is the harvest of your love.
Tess, I loved what you have to say here, and isn’t life a wonderful journey this way. Love Wilma
Hi Lisa.
For me integrity is a consistent daily doing to keep our daily affairs in order and make life work.
That means paying attention to your own actions, what is so and taking responsibility for the results you are causing when you have not kept things in order.
In that last bit fits for me your comment about your inner compass. It is your inner compass that guides the choice of choosing to do integrity. You are either not choosing responsibility, ownership and accountability for your actions or your compass guides you to choosing it and to stop complaining, blaming and finding excuses.
Integrity itself is not about morality, I in this context refer to it as a doing you chose moment by moment and it helps if you choose wisely. And yes, we women know how to get ourselves in a pickle with our generosity. Setting barriers is a real learning; after having to give all to our babies we then have to leanr to take the throttle back.
Lisa, you too, thank so much for contributing to the understanding, Love Wilma
Thanks for this. Like you say, doing what you say you’re going to do is certainly one important aspect of being in integrity, but another is expressing what you want and don’t want, and for many of us (myself included) that’s actually the harder one.
Hi Chris.
Finding out what you want and then expressing it can be tough as often you are indeed being confronted with the no agreement from other people.
For some time I was even losing knowing WHAT I wanted.
It sure is a learning to get to integrity, knowing what you want and then expressing it.
For me it helped to start with observing what I was doing without making myself wrong, that was freeing and yet very revealing and a great first move. From there it were little gentle baby steps.
Chris thanks for your honest observation, Love Wilma