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What happened to my Integrity?
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I thought I knew what Integrity was. Boy was I mistaken, big time. Recently I realized that I grew up in a family that wasn’t big on integrity. I’m not ear bashing my folks here instead I’ve observed that all families have integrity issues, whether they be visible or invisible. |
 Dealing with my unanswered e-mails |
For our family it was okay to borrow things and not return them for an eternity.
It was okay for us kids to blame each other in order to get our own way.
It was acceptable to use my mother as an excuse for being late for school or not having our homework done. “Just tell Mrs. Keane that you were helping me and it was MY fault” my mother would say.
Of course she thought she was helping us out and even though it did come from a place of love and protection, it did not bode well when the time came for me to venture out into the big wide world for myself.
I got a rude awakening; not everyone operated at the same level when it came to integrity.So my old familiar behaviors of blame, excuses and denial just didn’t cut it in this new arena and in the beginning I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Integrity was and still is a vast word to me, originally presented to me as a moral ethical issue.
I am not alone in this. Most people when asked if they have integrity will put their shoulders back, hold their head up high and reply with a firm ‘Yes, I have’.
However when I look at people around me, myself included, and their actions or lack of them as the case may be, it is all very confusing. For instance, for some people it is not all right to lie and be deceitful, yet it is OKAY to simply ignore people and their requests.
Aren’t these all integrity issues?
See I never really had a clear comprehension of it. How come there is such inconsistency and we still call ourselves honest and ethical when some of our actions are and some of them are not. What I needed was an explanation that worked for me. I always thought that with integrity I either had it or I didn’t; I couldn’t be half pregnant.
I was relieved to read in WomenLikeMe on Integrity;
Integrity is not a fixed state.
It is false to say you ‘have’ integrity; integrity is something we ‘do’ not something we ‘have’.
What actually happens is we flow out-of and into-integrity with our words and actions.
As we fail to do something we said we would, we slide into out-of-integrity, as we complete things we move back into-integrity. And so life goes, up and down moving in-and out-of integrity.A quick integrity audit:
Right now, ask your ‘Little Voice’ where you are on the integrity continuum.
Answer these questions:
What is incomplete right now that I or someone else expects me to be complete with?
Where am I being vague with my intentions or words?
What is bothering me?
Who have I made a promise to, or a passing comment like, “we must catch up” and I have not done so
What bills are not paid?
What am I denying?
How much excuse making, complaining or blaming have I done this week?
(WomenLikeMe on Integrity)
That I slide in- and out-of-integrity was useful for me to know; it meant that I could be gentle on myself. Let’s face it; most of society operates from an out-of-integrity place most of the time. So being in-integrity is often a new experience and not always easy to achieve given our environment.
This simple yet very effective checklist gave me a clear indication of where I was pegged on the integrity ladder.
Going through this list, answering either ‘yes’ or ‘no’, I soon knew where I needed to focus my attention, to take action and move forward.
I also accept that I’m at the observing stage, taking stock of who I am in relation to integrity. To observe when I am in- and fall out-of-integrity is really powerful.
Here’s what’s opened up for me . . .
I looked into the areas which I can’t quite get sorted when it comes to integrity, where I fall off the wagon continuously like being my word. I say something and do the complete opposite, like rarely being on time and saying Yes when I mean No.
As a consequence I slide further out-of-integrity and use blame, excuses or denial as a way to justify my actions.
“Sorry I can’t go because of the baby.”
“Can’t make it as I’m just so busy at work.”
Or simply deny I knew about it and say; “Oh I didn’t know it was on today.”
YUK! Not a pretty place.
Lucky for me that integrity is not a fixed state eh!
I’ve also observed that when I was in-integrity, I made myself wrong and called myself a goody two shoes. Now that I see it in an integrity light I am actually proud of myself that I pay my bills on time, always leave things as I found them, that I don’t drive recklessly, that I respect other people’s property as well as my own and that I make time to prepare for things.
Now that I know all this, where to from here?
Well I continue to observe and take action daily; I respond to my e-mails, I return phone calls, I commit only to what I choose to do, I contact people who are on my mind and I knock items off my completion list.
These may sound like small things however they are not.
A whole lot of out-of-integrity acts on top of one another leads to trouble. I need to remember this.
This is a new playing field and it’s up to me to choose how I play; I am responsible. Only when I’m in- integrity will the Universe respond accordingly.
And I am paying particular attention to being my word and when I’m not I’ll be gentle on myself, clean it up and begin again.
How are you going with Integrity, being whole and complete in your world?
25 Comments to “What happened to my Integrity?”
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Oh Ann-Marie, integrity has sure given us a lot of thought hasn’t it? AND it is great to be reminded to be gentle on ourselves when we look at how integrity is NOT present in our lives and how it gives us grief and unexpected random messy results. What taking ownership of my life means has been such a big realization. It means acting like a child of God, it means letting go of playing small and whimping that it is all too hard and that the big world is too big for me to handle. The beauty is that learning to play big and to my potential means starting with small steps by getting back into integrity, making you and your world around you ‘whole and complete so it can perform at its best. Small yet so important steps as you describe here, so you avoid making a mess of things and clean up where there is still a mess. Hmm, as I said before to you, I am watching where I am saying ‘yes’ and meaning ‘no’, I am working on being in integrity with my promises, so help me with watching my ‘yes’, buddy. And not long before you go to Ireland!!!!!!
Love Wilma.
So true – and by coincidence I have just posted something along very similiar lines on my blog today – about responsibility.
Thanks for the inspiration
g
Hey Wilma
Yes integrity is a huge subject with so many layers of meaning. I too find the ‘whole and complete’ version so useful for my daily life and as a way to get back into integrity.
I acknowledge you for taking ownership in your life and playing a bigger game. Complete ownership is quite a rare thing as I hear blame, excuses and denial all the time in conversations. These would simply not come up if complete ownership was present. It’s something that can take alot of practice, so go Wilma go! I’m right behind you.
We’ve talked so much about integrity so I know where you’re coming from with saying Yes and meaning No as I do it too. So I’ll double check with you the next time you say Yes, to ensure that you really mean it and remain in-integrity.
Only 5 sleeps until we leave for Ireland. Yipee!
Hugs to you
Hi there Graham
Sounds like the integrity conversation is flowing in many places. Here’s to it gaining lots of momentum.
Great to hear from you
Hi Ann-Marie,
What a powerful post. In our family, we say “Do you walk your talk?” That’s always a great reminder to me to stop before I make promises, to try to say “yes” or “no”, and mean it, to treat others and their possessions with respect and to show up on time.
But, like you mentioned, some days I fall into that sliding scale and because I’m tired, overwhelmed, or whatever, I might find myself making excuses for what I didn’t get done, saying “maybe” (instead of giving a definitive answer) or breaking a promise. It’s not a good feeling, but after reading your post, it reminds me to not beat myself up as integrity is something we can continually improve on and it’s not something we have or don’t.
Hi Ann-Marie – my mother reminded me a while ago – I should never leave anything undone today that can be done .. the more you finish off, the easier it is to stay on top of things and not let the muddle creep in or get behind. She’s quite right – but I just laughed uproariously as these words of advice came from a terminally ill woman – so I have my work cut out for me.
She is right though .. thanks for a timely reminder
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Ahh, I loved the last part of that – when we’re in-tegrity, the Universe responds in kind.
What a FABULOUS post… unique, and necessary. Thank you! Now, that being said, you’ve reminded me of a story about a guy I used to date who harped on me about “It’s not what you say, it’s what you do.” Yeah yeah, well, we knew what he was doing when we saw him getting bilked by companies (his take on it) and cheated out of money they said he owed them but he didn’t feel he did. He was baffled by it – ticked off, “wronged,” etc. I just looked at the situation, knowing some things I did about him (yes, I chose a winner! eesh…), and thought, “Karma’s an ass-kicker, buddy!”
Like you, I was happy to read that integrity is something we choose to act with or without, and it’s not an inborn trait that we either were blessed with or weren’t. I also know there are some places I need to tighten up my actions, which I plan to do now… Thank you, Ann Marie!
Great picture, by the way!
Hi Ann-Marie and Wilma,
I am happy that you wrote this post for it explains how you define the word integrity which we talked about over at my site. The funny thing is that I write all my posts on the weekend, so the post I have up today is about the unity of word, thought and deed. I wrote it on Saturday and I found it neat how we talked about this a couple days later and you too have a post on the same subject. I guess the Universe wants us to bring this issue to light.
Again, I personally would not use the word integrity for I define it differently but that does not matter. What matters is that you two are doing what you can so that your words, thoughts and deeds are one. You go, girls!
Hey Barbara
What a great question “Do you walk your talk?” It is useful to have a question that has you think before you commit yourself.
And it is so important to be gentle on ourselves when it comes to the subject of integrity. As we observe ourselves being out-of-integrity we can berate ourselves for doing so and in effect turn to blame of oneself which sends us further into being out-of-integrity. Being able and willing to give yourself a break, acknowledge the out-of-integrity act and clean it up, is a more powerful stance to take. And as you say Barbara we can continually improve on it. Thanks for your thoughts.
Hugs to you
Hi there Hilary
It sounds like your mother has a point there. I agree, the more we complete the less muddle we create, especially in our heads. When I think of all the time and energy I’ve wasted on being out-of-integrity when it comes to completion I cringe at myself. However I’ve found that asking this question has helped me heaps “What’s the one thing I can do right now to move this forward?” Small steps are the key, I say.
Hope you and your Mum had a wonderful day.
Hugs to you
Hey Megan
Thanks a mil for your words, you are so kind.
Great story about that guy. What a brilliant example of how people can go through life thinking that the world owes them, that it is okay to live out-of-integrity and then expect the world to bail them out when things get rough. No, No, No! It doesn’t work that way. How can the Universe possibly deliver in-integrity if we are not aligned to it? The Universe is always listening and will dish out what we vibrate at some point. Thanks so much for sharing this Megan.
Yes integrity is a choice which can be challenging at times, however observing and identifying the areas that need attention can be very valuable.
So here’s to you and integrity. I’m right behind you girl.
Hugs to you
Hi there Nadia.
Absolutely, the Universe is speaking loudly on the power of the word. It’s an exciting, interesting conversation one that obviously needs to be aired ;0)
So grateful that you are a part of it.
Hugs to you.
HI Ann Marie,
What a beautiful Post. I agree to this post word for word. Integrity is not inborn..but i believe its “in built”. Its upto us to operate this in built trait the right way or we might break it and in turn break ourselves in the bargain. I just read Nadias Post on how important it is to have thoughts words and actions always in sync…and it is integrity all the way there as well isnt it. The core to the problem and the solution all caught up in this one word “integrity”.
Your post surely made me think a lot. Need to tighten some of my screws …
Big Big Hugs to you for writing such a powerful post.
This is a word – and a concept – that is very dear to me. I can lack a lot of things in my life, but please do not let integrity be one of them! To me it’s the twin of Intention. If I have nothing but good intentions, but do nothing, those intentions are worthless. I can remember hearing people say (not about me!) “She had the best of intentions….but……she didn’t call/show up/do whatever” I don’t CARE what her intentions were if she didn’t live up to them.
Some people are full of intentions and nothing else. How they can go on this empty I do not know.
Great subject to blog about – thank you for renewing my own sense of integrity and intention.
I used to believe that most of society didn’t have integrity. I realize now that thinking comes from the media. CNN talks about people without it 24/7 and would love to have us believe not many have it.
Now I believe there are more people, many more people like us under the radar with integrity! Isn’t that exiciting!
Don Ruiz Miguel’s 4 agreements sum it up for me.
Always do your best
Have impeccable word
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
I also think like Barbara says ” Do you walk your talk?” says it all.
For example my 15 year old grandduaghter is beginning to date. My advice to her would be, pay more attention to what your boyfriend does than what he says. Eventually someone will tell you “I love you” but does his actions say “I love you.”
We can’t change people who don’t have integrity but we can put up boundaries to protect ourselves. If someone didn’t return something they borrowed I wouldn’t let them have it again. If someone is consistently late I would give them the option to change, if they didn’t I wouldn’t be waiting around for them again.
I once told a friend (my former walking partner) when she was consistently late she believed her time is more important than mine. Of course she didn’t see it that way. If she did she wouldn’t be late! I quit walking with her!
I’ll end that we all fall down because we’re human. I’ll never walk on water. Like another commenter said we are moving in and out of integrity all the time. The more we are open to change and growth personally the more we are in it.
Thanks for being so open. That’s why we love your blog!
Its funny. Being a YES person to every request that comes our way will leave us in a state of overwhelm and eventual breakdown. People start knocking at our emotional door wanting answers and receiving covert excuses for unfulfilled promises.
I guess the big thing for many of us when dealing with integrity is that we always have this “good dog, bad dog” perspective on it. Its bad to say NO I can’t help, you must say YES I can help.
I can look at my own life and see many areas where I am out of integrity but the beauty is in acknowledging it as part of what is so. There have been many occasions where I have beaten myself up for not honouring my word.
I have found too that with honouring our word we take a more thoughtful approach to what we say. All any of us can go on is someone’s word. Say the word chair and a chair pops out of your mouth. Say “I am going to climb Mt Everest” and it should send shivers down our spine and make us think, “gosh, how am I going to fulfil on that.”
What you bring up in this post Ann-Marie is a different way to see integrity, one that would take the unnecessary baggage and excess meaning out of many peoples lives. The shift then moves from “I must fulfil” to “okay, where can I fulfil?”
Thank you for this post and god bless.
Hi Ann-Marie,
What a thought-provoking post! And, very timely. A true definition of integrity is not easy, but I think you are on to something when you couple it with truthfulness.
I like to think of Integrity like all values as always evolving. People are always finding out new things about themselves and trying to improve their character according to their experiences. Thus, everyone’s integrity level is different. A white lie for someone can be just fine and not even a lie at all, whereas a white lie for another is unacceptable in their life journey.
For me, truthfulness is an important value and I believe that compromising integrity for oneself is often because of fear. Every time I compromise my integrity, I feel a piece of our whole beings becomes untruthful. Then, I can’t truly be a seeker of Truth if I lie to myself of what I truly want. I do know that when I truly express myself to others of what I really want to say and do, the other party is almost always gracious and I always feel liberated.
But, I’ve still got a loong way to go!
Hi there Zeenat
Appreciate your kind words. Yes, integrity is very much a part of our world whether we are getting ourselves in a muddle or looking for a solution to it. Either way it’s always there and such a useful benchmark to determine at any given time where you are sitting with life. It’s a subject that is getting a lot of attention at present, in cyberspace anyway and I am very thankful for that. So pleased that you got something out of it.
Hugs to you.
Hello there Suzen
I can hear your passion on this subject in this comment. Thank you for sharing it with us.
You raise an interesting point with intention. Intention is the doing part of integrity. It is following through; bringing the spoken world into a physical existence. And when people say “Oh I meant to do blah blah blah” or “I intended to do it BUT” for me it is an excuse. They are far too conditioned into thinking that a feeble excuse let’s them off the hook and makes it alright. NO, it doesn’t work like this; they actually slide further into being out-of-integrity. However a genuine apology that is free from blame and excuses does work.
Suzen, I thought your comment on Happy Lotus was a great example of lack of intention.
Hugs to you.
Hello there Tess
Thanks so much for all that you said
I too am glad that there are people around me who are aware of their integrity and act according to it. As I said earlier there is lots of talk about this in cyberspace, which I find very valuable. The media have a warped take on it so I tend to steer clear of them.
The advice that you would give your grand daughter is priceless. When words and actions contradict each other, the spoken word usually becomes nothing but ‘hot air’.
Don Ruiz Miguel’s 2nd agreement; ‘have impeccable word’ that jumped out at me.
I commend you on taking a stand with those people in your life who constantly act out-of-integrity. Our out of integrity community can find this hard, feel threatened and want to pull you back into being out of integrity with them. I think you are courageous to end a relationship when it no longer serves you. It is indeed about moving forward and finding ways and explanations that work for you.
I’m excited to share this journey with you.
Hug to you
Hey Blair
So great to hear from you. Thanks for your comment.
Learning to say NO and have it serve me and the other person has been a steep learning curve, one that I am still on.
Instead of this ‘good dog bad dog’ approach, an ‘is this useful’ approach can give clarity and as you say ‘remove the emotion and would be baggage’.
Acknowledging where you are out-of-integrity is the key to moving back in-to-integrity.
Go you Blair for standing still and observing yourself. This is often overlooked and yet it is one of the most important steps along with being gentle on yourself.
Thanks for sharing what you got from this different take on integrity.
Hugs to you and Janai.
Hi there Naz
Great to have you here.
Integrity has many levels and it is a life long undertaking. As we observe each layer and take action, we do evolve and move forward being more in than out of it.
It is wonderful to hear that your heart speaks when you are in- integrity. There is so much freedom when that happens.
Hugs to you
Integrity is adifficult virtue to maintain. We cannot apply it always for the very reason that we are not perfect. However, upholding it on important matters carry much weight than trifle ones.
One cannot claim integrity on all matters; there are situations when losing your integrity is a must to support a greater cause.
Hello there Walter
Thanks for your comment. The beauty of integrity is that we can slide in and out of it. And because we are human beings we have freewill so integrity is a choice. As each situation in life comes up we get to decide whether we live from integrity or not. So it is up to you to ‘claim integrity’ as you see fit.
Appreciate you stopping by.
Hugs