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No matter what I have been told, I am NOT selfish, I AM base camp.
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Growing up I always heard, ‘Don’t get too big for your boots, young lady’! ‘No, you are NOT the center of the Universe and you do not put yourself first. Don’t be selfish.’ And like everybody else, I too was constantly told what I could and could not do and nowhere was there any talk about ME looking after ME and finding out what I wanted. It actually was all about staying small and being told NOT to deviate from the behaviors I had been taught. |
 Now I am wised up, I demand breakfast in bed, wherever we are. |
And I took all of it on board.
Sure why wouldn’t I have? It was dished out mostly by people who honestly loved me, so why would I not believe it.
But life is never that simple, is it?
A lot of what I’ve taken on board during my life is now showing up as extra ballast that is sinking the ‘ME’ in me.
For the life of me I cannot put myself first, make requests or do things for ME because of a Little Voice that keeps shrieking ’You can’t do that, that is selfish!’
Other than annoying, I never gave these shrieks much attention.
They had become part of me, just like my dry skin and bad eyesight.
I expect them when I go shopping and I see a chocolate bar I like.
Before I even reach out my hand, the Little Voice chimes in ‘No, that is selfish, you should buy what everybody else likes instead’
In the morning I would really like to take the time to moisturize my skin, but before I know it, I am dressed and at my computer because the Little Voice is firmly on ’selfish’ patrol and keeping me in check.
How can I say NO to deadlines that do NOT suit me when I’m always considering that other people’s work is more important than mine?
The result is that I am liked; I am great to be around.
That others think I am cool is fine and dandy, but when I was confronted this week with the question ‘Is ME liking ME? . . . I did a double take.
The question about ME came from WomenLikeMe on ‘Who am I’.
One of the practices was to do things that are just for you, good for your body and are an expression of your love for yourself.
Easy you would think.
Here I was, being given permission to like ME and show it. I was actually being given permission to, dare I say it, be ‘selfish’.
You’d think I would jump at the chance, wouldn’t you.
WRONG.
It was hard to distance myself from that Little Voice which was firmly on Selfish Patrol.
It kept interfering with me loving ME.
‘No, it isn’t a good time this week to have a hair cut, although you really need and want one.’
‘No, don’t ask John to do the dishes, even though you are tired, if he offers that is okay but do NOT ask, will you’.
I could see that I would not score highly on this week’s practice, however reading this on ‘Who am I’ helped me out enormously;
Consider yourself as home base, the central head quarters so to speak, from which everything is planned and done. And if base camp is not organized or well looked after, the whole expedition can be in danger of faltering.
Therefore it serves you to look after it, maintain it and express your appreciation.
(WomenLikeMe on Who am I)
Well, that opened something up for me!
Home base, base camp! That had a total different ring to it.
As base camp I AM the center of the Universe, I CAN put myself first.
How true, without a well kept and much loved base camp the expedition can indeed falter.
Lovingly paying attention to ME had nothing whatsoever to do with being selfish.
Let me tell you that this particular practice went a lot smoother from then on and the Little Voice, on its ‘Selfish Patrol’ lost a lot of ground, a LOT of ground.
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24 Comments to “No matter what I have been told, I am NOT selfish, I AM base camp.”
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Oh Wilma, SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! I can so relate to this post. I always find it so uncanny how we reflect what’s going on for us in each other. In our ‘buddy’ chats we have reflected, observed and talked so much about this; selfish versus looking after ME. It’s been an interesting time, eh? It helps that we hold each other accountable to ensure that the ME is prominent in both our lives. I sometimes find that the selfish police are on a major man hunt and I run for cover, paling into the background of my life calling my actions selfish in my defense. What I got from the ‘Who am I’ text was that it is selfish NOT to look after ME, very selfish indeed. What kind of a lesson would I be teaching my daughter then? I have a responsibility to me and her to ensure that we are not wall flowers, that we are indeed the centre of our Universe.
Wilma, I’m so enjoying leaping forward with you in this way as we watch each others back and quite down those little voices together.
Hugs to you, buddy
Oh my goodness I can relate as if I’ve written this myself. I really think that modesty and putting others before myself is a great quality to have however it has definitely held me back in life. I need to learn to be able to put myself first sometimes, in the right situations, so that I am able to grow as a person and boost my self confidence. What a fantastic post. It was a great thing to think about as I start my week. I’m going to try and make a conscious effort this week to let myself be a little bit more selfish this week and tell myself that it’s okay to be a little bit selfish sometimes. I love your home base idea. I am definitely going to remember it. Thank you for your inspiration!
Wilma, this is fantastic! I LOVE the idea of being “base camp” for all the expeditions that depend on us… kids, husbands, peers, etc. SO important to have a solid, strong foundation for everything else to work out.
Thank you for sharing this with us!
@Ann-Marie. It has been great to have you on my ‘Unselfish Patrol’ unit. I hate the word selfish because I do not think that I know what it means and it has muddled me up big time for years. However as you say, there is a big difference when you can look after yourself and nurture the ME and I too am reaping the benefits AND I love the example we are setting for our daughters. Yeah to us.
Oh Caity, you are probably the least selfish person on earth and here you are, making yourself wrong when you are treating yourself humane and responding to YOUR need. It does NOT mean that you are elbowing your way through life, it does NOT mean that you are only thinking of yourself, it means you are equally giving and receiving and NOT depleting yourself.
There is no dualism necessary when you nurture yourself, you do not have to take anything away from others, all you do is stop taking away from YOU. You go Caity, you go and have a great week. Hugs Wilma
Hey Lisis. Great that you liked the post, you so are base camp yourself. The adventures you are on and the way you share them is beautiful and you need to nurture yourself to keep going and inspire us. We need you to be a well looked after base camp!
Hi Wilma,
Great article – and so true.
g
Thanks Graham and yes it sure gets us when we only look at pleasing others and forgetting about ourselves. It is not a good look.
Hi Wilma,
Base camp is the perfect thing for us women to be isnt it? I have that nagging voice inside my head too…and its still there..before i buy anything…or before i think i indulge. Well, what is indulgence for me might not really be an indulgence in anothers eyes though. But the constant guilt of being selfish…its kind of the way we are brought up. First take care of everybody and everything and then yourself..and by the time for yourself truly comes you are toot ired to dare do anything else!
I do suffer from it even today. But today I have an open mind and an open heart to take in the right information and learn from my mistakes. In doing so I have begun to now realize that i do truly need to take care of ME. Its a slow process, but i am getting there.
Thank you for this reminder. God knows i needed it
Lots of Love.
I love that! How delicious of a discovery you made, and one that all of us will benefit from energetically. I’ve lived alone for many years now, and I think that somehow makes it easier to take care of base camp. I recall a guy I dated once, though, who said I was selfish when I didn’t want to give up my workout routine to sit around and spend time watching him surf the Internet or do his freelance work. In his mind, it was together time. In my mind, I would have rather been running. (smile) As you can surmise, that relationship didn’t last.
Keep on serving YOU! We need you to be at your absolute best so that all of us can follow suit and also be our absolute best. Lead by example! And thank you, Wilma.
Selfish Patrol had me laughing! However I’m good at being good for me. I began the day my twins left for college. No more constantly giving to my four duaghters…now they give to me. So what ever I did as a young mom worked. Now isn’t that a miracle. I’m happy to see you loving yourself and taking care of yourself. It’s only upward and onward from there!
Hi Zeenat. You make me laugh with your comment. Interesting isn’t it that we run around after others and forget ourselves in the process. Especially with a little child like you have, it is so easy to exhaust yourself and then be no fun to be around.
As long as God, you and I know you need it, there is progress being made. You take care, we want to keep reading your lovely blog and you need to be fit to write so well.
Dear Megan, thank you for your encouragement and what a beaut example of being called selfish when you did not want to sit around holding your boy friend’s hand when he could do what he was doing on his own just as well. Good on you to call it quits!
Being by yourself however could mean that sometimes it would be lovely to be pampered by someone else. I like to do that to friends who live alone, I love them to come for the weekend and cook for them so they get to sit and be waited upon. So I offer you a virtual weekend of pampering until you can come to New Zealand. Hugs to you.
Hey Tess, what else could I expect from a bold woman. Good on you to take the opportunity to choose for you when the twins were off. I too think it is very important to set an example to daughters and other young women to be careful that the ME in them is not disappearing under an ever increasing workdload. And no wonder you harvest the goodness from your daughters, you did well.
Isn’t it interesting how in the name of humility of demurity or something (I’m not even sure what) we get told these ridiculous things about ‘living small’? And true humility has nothing to do with this, it is really about owning our light and letting it shine – for the sake of ourselves and others. And to own and shine our light we have to fuel it, have to know what we need for ourselves. I love this touchstone of ‘who am I’.
Lisa, I love how you get that we need to fuel our light and NOT dim it. I too now wonder why humility has been praised and our greatness has been dimmed. Is it so we can be kept under the hierarchy’s thumb and can be manipulated?
I do not know, however I do know that to shine we have to be courageous and be supported by other shining lights.
So I am absolutely grateful for your light that is here to help shine mine and many others. Thus lots of love to you, my shining light.
Oh Wilma isn’t this amazing – look how many women said (me included of course) that you are singing their song?! And I had a good laugh at the Base Camp – did you know I used to call myself Sargent Mom? I was in charge alright! I did more barking than the dog. I was a joy-monger and miserable that’s why! I was filled with secret hidden resentments and MY inner voice was telling me this wasn’t right, that I was entitled to nurture myself before being “required” to do for the family and constantly short changing me! Here I thought that voice was BAD – cuz then I’d be selfish, right? Oh what a mess, I’ll tell ya! Thank God for menopause. It was hell but I ended up getting this all straightened out! (I still hear voices – they are nice ones now!)
Hey SuZen, yep good ol menopause is good for something. Hidden resentments, I can relate to that, hideous is what those are. I always looked at amazement how my sister in law could tell her husband where to go and she even dared to give him chores to do on his day off. The family went berserk behind her back about that, but I secretly thought ‘good on you’, but could not have done it myself. No worries though, now I can and what a difference it makes for all involved. I stopped barking too and aren’t the good voices a lot more fun.
BTW, am I forgiven for having more veggies than you, I have owned up that I did NOT grow them, I just harvest, LOL.
Hi Wilma .. thanks .. it’s interesting what others think and how they tell us what they’d do etc etc .. but if we can just sort our own lives out – life is fine .. others have their priorities and levels and they can’t help, or respond, or realise where we’re at .. that’s their problem, not ours.
I’m learning .. and I do put me first I have to at times and say No – but over and above that I do what I can for everyone – especially my mother.
Thanks – base camp .. without the camper van or breakfast in bed! Pity!! Camping = just great ..
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Dearest Wilma,
This is SO powerful. Especially for women who are taught that they must be all thing to all people…and have no “right” to say “NO”. No I won’t. No I can’t. No I don’t want to.
This last year I HAD to finally establish a “base camp” Or I knew I would not make it through this whole book project, through the rest of my life. My husband is great at supporting me doing this, is very supportive in all aspects of my life. So I am very blessed there. But it was my friends who I had always been there for at the drop of hat to spend hours on the phone listening, counseling and talking through crisis, who did not understand my need to pull back. I love them all dearly but I could no longer give in the way that I had, that they were used to me giving. I’ve may have lost friends when I pulled back. But to keep being there for them meant that I would be up past midnight catching up on the work I’d not been able to do through the day due to the phone time. I just couldn’t do it any more. I don’t even enjoy hours and hours of phone time. I’ve so far avoided a cell and now screen all calls. I have to because I work at home.
I sent all my best friends a long letter telling them why I couldn’t be there anymore in the way that I had been and that I still love them deeply. Some understand and others don’t and take it more personally, but I just cannot be ALL things to all people.
I am in the midst of getting my book out (about my life when I younger in the Australian rainforest), keeping my blog and social networks going, working on my second book, etc, which is (for me and my husband) a big dream. I’m 55, a late bloomer
) and I wanted to work at something I really enjoyed: writing and speaking. My husband is a professor and LOVES teaching and he also wanted me to have the chance to work at something I love as much as he loves teaching.
But it was a big shift, massively steep learning curve as I am not technically inclined and knew nothing about computers, internet, web “stuff”. I did all my own web site, blog, etc. without knowing a thing about it. Learned to write a book proposal, get endorsements, find a wonderful agent, and so forth. It all takes time, deep long term commitment to build up a platform for my book, which first-time authors pretty much need to just to get a good publisher.
But it was the first time in my life that I said: “No more. Where am I in this? What do I want. I have to stop! I can’t do all this. I don’t want to spend hours on the phone. I don’t like it. I’d rather go for a walk in the woods to give my weary brain a break form the computer. I’d rather be LIVING my life and dreams full on. I told my myself that I had to make a choice as my life would not last forever. I’m mid-life (I see myself living to 100 or more)
And I can create a great dream here, but I am going to have start taking time for ME, I am going to have build a solid base camp.
I still falter at times and over extend but each faltering I learn to grow and create a more solid base camp. Because if I don’t I will never fulfill my dreams. I will have no time to spend with my husband. No time for creative expression. No time to garden or be “with” Nature. No time for a hot bath once in awhile. No time to learn Spanish and refresh my French. No time to stop the chaos, sit under a tree and do nothing. No time to REALLY take a CLOSE look at where I am headed.
You’ve no idea how much this post means to me or your brave choice to build a solid base camp. I love you Wilma for the truly dynamic, inspiring, realistic, honest, compassionate, wise, gutsy, brave woman you TRULY ARE. I really have found a kindred spirit.
Love,
Robin
Thank you SO much.
Hi Hilary, yeah the ability to discern who to listen to and what to belief is a great skill to develop, for me the questions have been to find out that I needed that skill and then HOW to get it . . . however as you, I am on my way and the difference is makes is amazing.
Of course there are times when base camp is busy with doing what base camp has to do, Ann-Marie with her little baby and you with your mother. Those are times when you can see how well equiped and resourced base camp really is. For me it was recognizing the times when base camp is NOT busy and making sure that base camp is replenishing itself then.
I am so pleased that you can see your limits and can say ‘No’ to others in time when your mother needs you more.
It is amazing to see how we all struggle with this one way or another, this all helps me too, we are not alone in this and isn’t it great how we all share so we all can get a better handle on this.
Yeah for all of us here and thank for your sharing too, Hilary.
Lots of love to you, great base camp that you are.
Oh Robin, you cause me goose pimples, to laugh out loud and you make my heart sing with this. We are NOT here to bow to false friendships, to illusions that keeps us away from our greatness, our dreams and stop us having our quiet time in nature to connect with Source. There is a lot of false loyalty based on fear to be alone. The funny thing is, false loyalty is just that and never really connects or gives what we seek. So no loss there, you will be replaced by a drop of a hat, those friends never really saw YOU anyway, all they wanted was a body.
It Is NOT to make them wrong, that is where they are at, but you have no business to support their game, you were in the wrong game too. Now you are going to play with people who want to play the same game, agree to the same rules and going for the same outcome. You champ to take that stand!!!
I am starting to realize all this too and guess what, it means being in integrity and becoming whole and complete so that we can resource ourselves to complete our expedition here on earth in the best possible way. Well prepared in the most authentic and thorough way we can muster.
Robin, I hear you and I too love, simply adore the fact that we are so aligned. I absolutely share your delight, my friend.
Love Wilma