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Who Am I?
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I’m traveling back to Ireland with my husband and daughter in a few weeks time to see my family. I haven’t seen them in a year and a half and while the length of time doesn’t seem that long so much has happened in my life since the last time I was home. I find myself asking the question “Will my family recognize me?” And I don’t mean my physical appearance, I am referring to the person that I am. Will they see ME? |
 With laptop in hand I am ready for my trip |
I realize that they already have an opinion about me, one that they’ve probably had for years and years. ‘Bossy sister who thinks she knows it all’ is one that springs to mind.
I can hear past conversations now ‘Oh Ann-Marie you can’t start your own business, what do you know. Sounds like it would never work; typical you to get involved in something like this’
I was always easily influenced by what they said. I’d be immediately sucked in and begin to worry that they were right. Then I’d get defensive before finally being totally upset with the lot of them and feeling stupid for considering the opportunity in the first place.
I’d end up becoming totally paralyzed by someone else’s opinion that my choice was a big mistake, one doomed for failure.
And then I’d be stopped dead in my tracks and to hell with my desires.
Sounds ludicrous I know. The people pleaser within me is willing to give my family’s interpretations of who I am serious consideration and simply ignore anything that my heart has to say on the matter.
It drives me nuts that I can become so indecisive about MYSELF as a result.
Confusion and fear sets in as I buy into other people’s thoughts of me and I haven’t even mentioned the biggest villain of all; that nasty little voice in my head who leads the charge and stomps all over my dreams ‘Told you, you’d be mad to consider it, they’re right, they know you’ll fail at it. Sure what do you know anyway?’
This on going internal chit chat about what I should and should not do coupled with being bombarded by everyone else’s thoughts on the subject is completely exhausting I can tell you.
There’s no getting away from it, this constant chatter; ‘Do this, Oh don’t do that, what the heck are you doing, you can’t do that’.
Blah blah blah… on and on it goes in a never ending cycle.
Needless to say deciphering Who I am has been an interesting task.
There’s me and what I think of me.
There’s my Little Voice and what it thinks of me.
There’s my family and what they think of me.
And basically there’s everyone else I meet and what they think of me.
With so much to contend with it can get so very noisy inside my head at times.
Stop this craziness I say.
Even though years have passed and I now live 12,000 miles away from my family I am concerned that I am in danger of having the same debilitating conversation this time round when they breach the subject about work and what I am doing for a job.
So when I read the WomenLikeMe text on ‘Who am I’ it definitely spoke to my concerns, I saw that I could give myself a break from thinking this way.
It was this paragraph that particularly stood out for me and prompted me to write this post.
Are you what other people say you are? No, actually not.
What other people say is their interpretation, an opinion of theirs that they hold about you.
Their interpretation of who you are can never be you, it is always just an externally made up interpretation.
But you take it, put it on like a coat and wear it.
You invisibly wear their interpretations which are also called your core beliefs or your interpretation system.
This has been going on for a long time, since the moment you were born and because you value other people’s opinions, you are naively inclined to think what they say is true about you.
(WomenLikeMe on Who am I)
This explained clearly why I still worry about what other people think and why I find it so difficult to block it out. I need to undo years and years of core beliefs and begin creating some new ones. So I have some work to do as I peel of each coat, layer by layer.
Somewhere inside me, deep within my heart, well hidden away from everyone, I can hear a faint voice calling.
OMG, it’s me…
‘Ann-Marie, trust yourself. That’s all you need to do. Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business; you can’t control it or do a single thing about it, so stop it. The only opinion that matters is yours, move on girl and go for it’…
So armed with a newly found confidence and a listening for my heart, I am now looking forward to the conversations with my family about what I am up to here in New Zealand.
Now that I am conscious and more grounded about what it is that I desire for my life, I’m not dreading the question ‘So Ann-Marie what are you doing these days work wise?’
Mind you I’ll need to keep that Little Voice of mine on a short leash.
So wish me luck…
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12 Comments to “Who Am I?”
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Hey Ann-Marie I do agree that finding out who we are is an interesting task to say the least. For years I never even wondered what I wanted to be, all I did was doing my best to fit into a certain image I thought would be a great me. Hmmm.
As a result I indeed had become indecisive about MYSELF and I did feel confused, a fake and fearful as I bought into other people’s thoughts of me. So I totally am with you on this AND I can say that peeling off the layers of the coat is frightening at first.
I felt like being naked and very vulnerable but after a while you get to love that authentic feeling.
So, you go buddy, you go and I am only a skype call away!!!!!
Thanks Wilma, your support is so valuable. It really helps me to keep that little voice in check and gives me courage to stay true to ME. Hugs to you buddy. Ann-Marie
Oh my gosh, first of all, good luck! You’ll do great; just keep reminding yourself of the great advice you’ve written in this post. I love that phrase and use it often: What other people think of us is none of our business.
On top of that, however they see you is only through their own fears, uncertainties, missed opportunities in life, etc. They project their own “stuff” onto you. You may never know if they see the real you, because your only job (all of our jobs) is to concern ourselves with whether or not we see it. That’s it. The train stops there!
Families push buttons like no one else. Byron Katie, who’s a wonderful author and teacher, tells us to look forward to our buttons being pushed. Expect it, and embrace it. See it as a game, even!
You’ll do great and I’ll be sending positive energy your way to last you through that trip!
When I’m with people who don’t think well of me I keep a tailisman in my pocket. For instance a special stone. I used to do counseling in prison. I was very frightened. My friend Patti gave me a heart shaped stone and said, ” Put this in your pocket and when you are in the prison remember how much I love you.”
It could also be wearing a necklace from someone special and when you are unsure of yourself touch it and remember the person who gave it to you.
Anything will work.
Doesn’t matter what anyone else things as long as you know who you are. Stay centered, stay grounded and shine on!
@ Megan. Thanks so much for stopping by and for your words of support. Yes my family does project their fear onto me and it’s something that I’ve been observing in our conversations, so I’ll definitely be mindful of that one. I can see how my indecisiveness about MYSELF shows up in my question ‘Will my family see me?’ As you say it doesn’t matter.
The idea of embracing having my buttons pushed is valuable. There is much freedom in that. I’ll let you know how I go with it. And thanks for telling me about Byron Katie, appreciate it.
Hugs to you.
@ Tess. It’s so great to have you here. Thanks for your thoughts.
What a wonderful friend you have in Patti, appreciate you sharing that story.
What a great suggestion; to have a reminder of who I am, in a physical form will keep me grounded. To often I bail on myself so I can see this being extremely useful, thanks a mil.
Hugs to you
Hi Ann Marie .. re your post – yes I too feel like that – a pariah with my family, I was happier away in SA, but I came back .. none of us have children and to be with my elders as they moved on. The letters are for my mother – she had 3 strokes, but is on a PEG so could live on a while – she can talk still, when she wants to and remembers things – full conversation is tricky.
I just can only wish you all the best going home – your comments to Nadia make absolute sense .. and my thoughts are with you. It seems like Wilma is a great mate – wonderful to be such great friends together.
Go well – all the best
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
This is so exciting Ann Marie,
I’ve been reading Wilma’s writings, and now I get to read yours too.
What you said is so true. When we leave “home”, grow into our own and then return, it’s often difficult for the family to accept the new “us”. But as they listen to you and realize how much you’re grown they’ll realize you’re still you, just a better version.
I love what you said about other peoples opinions being none of our business. That’s spot on. Just as we may have opinions of our loved ones, that doesn’t mean we love them any less.
Have a safe trip.
I hope to read more of your writings in the future.
Kudos to you and Wilma for this great blog!
@ Hilary. I so appreciate your words, thank you for visiting. I also acknowledge your leaving SA to return to the UK to be with your Mum and Uncle. You are indeed a very caring person.
Your willingness to have a different view point on life and to look for support further a field as you said on ‘Happy Lotus’ is wonderful to hear. I wish you all the very best as you spend whatever time you have left with your Mum.
Many thanks for your wishes as I travel home to see my Mum. I am so looking forward to it. And yes I have a great support buddy in Wilma, she rocks.
Hugs to you
@ Barbara. Hi there, thanks for sharing your excitement.
Appreciate your comment that opinions of our loved ones doesn’t mean we love them any less. That adds value I can tell you. It allows me to be gentle on myself and acknowledge that I do love my family member and an opinion is an opinion, that’s all.
Appreciate your good wishes.
Hugs to you.
Ann Marie, this was right on! I appreciate you sharing this post so much! It resonated with me in SO many ways!
I cannot pick a single part for all of it really spoke of some of the fears, worries I’ve had as well! I am peeling off some of those ‘expected’ layers and ‘finding more of my authentic self’, and I love this discovery journey! It is very intense but more loving and rewarding than I could have ever imagined! Blessings to you on your loving journey! I look forward to following your blogs! 
~Jen
Hello there Jen
Thanks so much for stopping by. Congratulations to you for choosing to live as your authentic self. The rewards are incredible. As I reply to you from my parents home in Ireland, I am ‘in the thick of it’. However I have found that the more I listen to my heart, the more I enjoy this visit, there is a heap less upset and drama than previous years and I believe it is down to me being more grounded.
Jen, I am with you on this journey as we navigate through our ears and worries, stay on course and sail on into the calm waters…
Hugs to you