Choosing. The missing link and cause of misery.

. Ever wondered why you feel happy and why you feel miserable? I have, often. And you know what? Feeling miserable can be caused by a missing link in our decision making process; the missing link being the ability to choose. If you leave out choosing, you are in BIG trouble. What? Yes, and you know why?

I love but no longer choose Holland.

Because . . . ‘Deciding’ and ‘choosing’ are NOT the same and to be happy you need to do both.

When I first heard this, there was no way I could get my head around it.  
And to tell you the truth, it didn’t make any sense to me either.  

Thankfully over time, my life experiences and learning opportunities clarified this important distinction of choosing, that so influences my life.  

What did I learn?

The first step was to realize that I knew diddly squat about choosing.
Initially I found that odd, as I felt I was choosing all the time; what to wear, what to do and who to live with for example.
Would that not make me an expert in choosing? 
Well apparently not.

What I had been doing was the ‘deciding’ part only; I’d left out the ‘choosing’ bit.
See having made a decision there is a next step, which is extremely important, yet it has remained invisible to me for a long time.

The next step is to choose the very thing I have decided to be, do or have. 
If I leave choosing out after having made my decision, the result is often misery.  

My move to New Zealand is probably the best way to explain this mighty point I want to make. 

When I lived in Holland I always longed for nature. 
Unfortunately I grew up in apartment buildings with very little nature anywhere.
I can vividly remember my long walks with my dad.
My heart sang when we ventured to the outskirts of the city. 
Those experiences added to my decision to go to New Zealand.
So off I went but . . .

When I arrived in New Zealand I only had decided to live here but I had not yet chosen my life here.

What do I mean by that?

Well, the first year living here was fun.
I was blown away by the abundance in New Zealand’s nature, the vast and empty beaches, the newness of it all. And when we bought our first house with a garden, I felt like I’d arrived in heaven.  

But when the novelty wore off, I started to miss my family and I often felt lonely.
I started yearning for the familiarity of long standing relationships with family and friends.
These feelings deepened further, especially when changes happened in their lives.
Babies were born, babies I would never hold in my arms, people moved to new houses I could not visit, friends got married and it really started to hurt that I was no longer a part of what was happening.
I felt left out and the feeling of no longer belonging began to grate.
I became miserable, especially around Christmas and Easter. I so wanted to celebrate these days in the fashion I was used to and with the people I left behind.
I started to find fault with New Zealand and I began to complain.
I was on the verge of becoming homesick.

And here is the point!
All this emotional turmoil was happening because I had decided to move to New Zealand, but I hadn’t taken the invisible next step of choosing. 

Although I lived here I had not yet chosen New Zealand nor had I chosen the consequences of living here.
I had not yet let go of Holland and I hadn’t embraced New Zealand either.
By not having chosen, it felt like I didn’t know what I wanted, I felt lost and indecisive and I was oscillating between feeling happy and miserable. 
One minute I loved New Zealand and the next I hated it and thoroughly regretted leaving Holland.

I couldn’t make up my mind after the decision was made.

However once I had children things changed.
After my first baby was born, I chose New Zealand and as a consequence I began to act that way.
I made up my mind and I found I could let go of the things I knew I no longer had chosen.
I accepted that things in Holland would go on without me and missing out didn’t hurt so much anymore.
I admitted to myself that I no longer belonged in Holland and I made peace with that.
From there I made great efforts to let people in and make friends here, in New Zealand even though I knew it would take a while.
And most importantly I gave up wanting things to be the Dutch way and I began to appreciate the New Zealand ‘Kiwi’ way.
And just like that the complaining stopped.

Having chosen, really chosen made all the difference; I was happier and peaceful.
I also got on with living my life which had been on hold for so long while I couldn’t make up my mind.

I now understand that choosing is a big part of every decision I make.
Choosing is the part of the decision making that gives it real traction as it requires you to act accordingly with your decision.

If choosing is left out, your decisions remain wishy washy, you feel unfulfilled, you complain, your life becomes full of regrets, you’ll always be looking back and you will never play full out.

And finally, do I notice the difference when choosing is part of the process?
Well, I’ll tell you, do I ever!
You see, the law of attraction kicks in and amazes me with the coolest things in the most unexpected ways. 
I will tell you about that next week.