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Do I ‘do good’ for Christmas or not? And what about bad karma?
Bless us, I am sure our heart is in the right place BUT I think we stuff this doing good around Christmas up in a major fashion.
So there, I’ve said it and now I have to explain what I am saying here of course.
A good example I can come up with is the doing good by inviting the -let me put it mildly- dominating people in your life for Christmas and then loosing out on having a good time yourself.
I am sure you can all identify with this photo which shows the fun we are having when inviting Aunty Jo or Uncle Jim, the ‘I will spoil all the fun’ people in the family.
No longer do you seem to see them for what they are, but you even feel some sort of weird feelings going out towards them and before you know it you are on the phone inviting them.
And with that simple phone call you have created a certain Christmas you know is NOT going to be much fun.
But too late, you are now stuck with a repeat performance, a ‘family member dominated’ Christmas and accusations by the rest of the family who want to know why you again want to ruin their Christmas.
You can see that I speak from experience and ever since I have asked myself “why do I do this?” and “is there a reason I should keep doing this and when I won’t invite them will I go to hell?”
After some soul searching and some more questioning I have come to the conclusion; ‘No, I should not be doing this and no I will not create bad karma.’
I am allowed to have a great Christmas and I don’t have to feel obliged to invite anybody or to do anything I don’t desire.
And let me finish my story because I can imagine there is a lot that you might want to say right now.
This is all about playing a different game with different rules and still achieving a good outcome all-round.
The first rule of my new game is to ask; “What is the result I am going for here?”
a. Being a do gooder so I don’t create bad karma?
It is interesting to observe how karma is a driver to do things for others and how trying to prevent
bad karma will probably have the opposite result. I will end up with bad thoughts and resentment
anyway and how’s that going to backfire?
b. Going for the easy option because I can’t seem to go past feeling obliged.
If I keep doing good because I actually don’t have the guts to change my behavior I think I can count
on a result that sucks too, just like my behavior. Obligation is usually NOT a good reason to do things.
c. Looking good in the eyes of others.
Having played this scenario in my head when deciding what to do, will definitely not give me any result,
because how will I know what other people think?
d. The best result is of course the result that comes from me choosing from authenticity and knowing what
I really want and not inviting Aunt or Uncle for all the above reasons.
Another rule is to ask; “Where is the win/win here?”
a. Will Aunt Jo’s or Uncle’Jim’s quality of life hugely increase by having just Christmas day with us?
Probably not.
They migh feel peeved for a few days when they find out that they are not invited this year, but I am sure
it will not impact on the rest of their life.
b Are we all having fun, or is the domination of the negative energy so invasive that nobody has fun.
The chances are that nobody is winning. I can imagine the nasty thoughts and ‘behind the back’ glances
Aunt or Uncle will be receiving and how much win/win is in that?
c. Am I in integrity by having said ‘Yes’ to obligation and ‘No’ to what I desire?
I probably won’t feel that good on the day, because I am sure to have very mixed feelings,
causing me to have a headache while failing to keep everybody happy.
d. Going for a Christmas, I and everybody else will enjoy with my integrity in tact and with no Aunt or
Uncle is the one where a win/win can be achieved.
And once being at peace with my choice I am free to come up with other options like having a special
dinner with them at another time in the year and create a win/win that way.
A third rule is to ask; “Am I respecting what I am doing here?”
a. Is this so called do good really allowing Aunt or Uncle their dignity by demeaning them as charity cases.
It is a really interesting concept to consider that if you give somebody something, it is better to come
from respect and acceptance of who they are.
If not, how would you feel to be invited like that and get the invisible bad vibes send to you.
Would you not be better off at home?
b. Are you actually freely giving to them or are you again feeling kind of forced to give.
Well you can see that that kind of transaction is more for a tax department than related to the Christmas
spirit.
c. Only when you are authentic, coming from your power, love and respect these things will work.
Otherwise forget it and Aunt Jo and Uncle Jim will get over it.
So, there you have it.
Lots of reasons to be really careful with your doing good at this time of year.
Doing good in this way is only putting the people you do good to, down and it doesn’t make you feel particularly good either.
There is nothing respectful and good about having people in your company against your will and despising the whole affair.
This is from a post on blogher from Mata about the different kind of doing good.
One time I was sinking into self-pity at a rapid rate.
I was so wrapped up in contemplating my own misfortune, that I almost bumped into him, the blind man with the dog and pencils. Braced against a mailbox was the following tableau. A blind man was standing with a cup of pencils. His eyes were crusty and rheumy. He was dressed warmly, but not warmly enough for the cold day. Snow had begun to swirl around him.
From his neck hung a sign asking people to buy a pencil and offering a blessing to them for their help. At his feet was a black lab, fitted with the kind of leather handled harness that is unique to Guide Dogs. The dog sat on a rectangular piece of worn carpet sample that his owner had provided. As I approached them, I saw the man remove his scarf — tightening up his own jacket collar against the bitter cold. He reached down and felt for the dog’s ears, and tied the scarf around the dog’s head to warm his ears. The dog cuddled back against the man’s legs.
How dare I feel unfortunate. Shame on me for indulging my own sorrow so. I didn’t have much money to my name, but I had a friend who would house me until I found work and could afford my own place. I had family that loved me and would not let me fall into an abyss. I had friends. An education. I had faith. I had, even if it was small, the ability to help. Look at this man. He had a whole lot less than I did. yet there he was, making a loving sacrifice for his dog. I don’t know his back story. I didn’t need to. I just know that his act of generosity woke me up.
This is do good at its best, which is usually giving and receiving all in one go.
Mata gave the blind man money and respect and Mata received the insight the blind man had to give.
That is doing good with the highest intent, not from selfish what is in it for me so I go to heaven.
Giving with love and coming from respect for who you do good to, is what it is about.
The moral of the story is.
If you don’t respect Aunty Jo or Uncle Jim and you feel their sucking negative domineering energy draining everybody, don’t invite them for Christmas.
There is nothing to be gained by any of you.
Only if there is a chance of love, respect and authenticity, than go for it but then of course Christmas will be a totally different story. 
However look at this, my brother’s grandchildren having fun.
Does this photo make you feel better about saying ‘No’?
10 Comments to “Do I ‘do good’ for Christmas or not? And what about bad karma?”
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Good point Wilma. I like your first rule – What is the result I am going for here? When I know the result I want and can stay focused on it I find I can easily make choices about what I do and who I get involved with. When I don’t I often find myself doing things and spending time with people and resenting my involvement.
@Lorraine. Yes, knowing what you are going for has made a huge difference to me too.
May you go for the most wonderful Christmas
Hey Wilma,
Christmas is the time for giving, and my present for this post is another choice
.
Rather than Invite, Not Invite, there exists a third option where when Aunty/Uncle is present at Christmas and is making people miserable. You pull them aside and as gently as possible make them aware of their behaviour and the effect it is having.
Most people do not intentionally make people unhappy, and infact often don’t know they are. If the gentle approach doesn’t work, you simply make it clear to them that this behaviour is not appropriate for the occasion and ask them to leave, and make it clear that this will apply on other occasions as well.
This way you give them a choice, to participate and play friendly, or not and stay home.
Merry Christmas!
Andy.
GHO Andy go, that is indeed an option and one that is not for the fainthearted
However consderring a ‘no’ once in a while is healthy too, sometimes anyway and also not for the faint hearted.
When I think of Aunty/Uncle (yours that is) I am reminded of the cantankerous buzzards in many peoples extended families that swoop on in for Christmas celebration/annihilation.
They have developed the expert skills needed to sabotage the day and everyone else walks around on egg shells to bow to their wishes. Give them more power why don’t we. Some people have never been told straight, time to make a difference in your life and theirs.
And I agree Wilma, it is not for the faint hearted. However, much like a door mat, faint hearts are usually covered in foot prints…
…And your courage to share all this in the first place tells me are not one of them Wilma.
Have a Merry Christmas, but have a powerful one too. Love to you both.
@Blair, I am sitting behind my computer, saying yes, yes and yes, and cheers to a powerful Christmas and life for that matter.
You have a great one too, Blair and I will brush off the footprints pretty smartly
Hi Wilma, Loved what you had to say about Rule 3. You nailed that balance between personal authenticity and social responsibility. Yes, yes, yes. We are individually responsible for our own emotional welfare etc, etc, but we are also social beasties who benefit from social structures. You got it! Love, Kath
Hi Kath. Yes, our own emotional welfare is definitely a misunderstood concept and somehow totally scrambled.
Take some doing to unscramble it, but working on it is worthwhile.
Talk soon
Hi Wilma,
Interesting blog this week Wilma, one that has hit a little bit of a nerve with me. This is a good thing of course as it makes for some great in depth conversations around the topic.
)
I respect your thoughts on this and commend you for taking action and responsibility in your life to make to better, however I do not believe that this is an ideal solution.
Sorry this is so long, but I have a lot to say on this issue! I, like almost every other families out there have “Aunty” and “Uncle” dominators in my family so I know exactly what you are talking about.
I do not believe that not inviting the troublesome Aunty and Uncle without telling them and not being up front and talking to them about why you are not inviting them will actually cause more drama and more turmoil in your life than just putting up with them at Christmas get together. I believe that this will cause much drama and pain in the family for many years to come when Aunty and Uncle find out and are very resentful about it. I don’t know that they will get over it.
Am I saying to just put up with it? No, not at all.
As Andrew mentioned in an earlier comment, most people do not intentionally behave to hurt others, even though sometimes it really looks like they do! Most people are just so “unconscious” that they really have no idea what they are doing and how it affects other around them, this doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them unaware.
Excluding people without dealing with the core issue is in my opinion not living from a place of love and respect.
My suggestion would be to talk to Aunty and Uncle before Christmas and talk about how you are feeling about the situation and let them know that you do not want a repeat of every other Christmas.
A great way of doing this and confronting someone about how their behaviour is hurting you is to sit them down and have an open conversation with them – face to face. Use a technique called a criticism sandwich. This is where you start off with a positive comment about them. “I love it when you …”, or “You are an amazing person because …”. Then you go into the criticism, BUT you don’t make it about them, you make it about yourself. “When you do . . . , it makes me feel . . . “. If it continues then I will not be able to see you anymore. Finish off with another compliment and then pause to hear their feedback. It works amazing well and because you are not going in yelling them down they tend not to get defensive and really hear what you are saying.
Then Aunty and Uncle have a choice. They decide not to come as they do not want to change their behaviour or they decide they want to come and change the way they behave.
We used this on two of our family members recently. They kept breaking agreements with us and we were not going to put up with it anymore. We did exactly what I outlined above and it was amazing. They really opened up to us and we found out the real issue of why it was happening, which was nothing to do with us and they did not even know they were hurting us. Our relationship with them is now so much stronger and they treat us with much more love and respect because we brought it up with them.
Is this easy? No way! Is this scary? You Bet ya! But will it make your life filled with much joy, love and laughter.
I know that dealing with these relationship issues in this open way is scary and confronting, but it is such a powerful way to a much more peaceful life, where relationships grow from love and respect rather than exclusion.
So that is my opinion, take out of it what is useful for you. But whatever you decide to do, have a fantastic Christmas and may it be filled with much love, fun and laughter.
@ Kim. Wonderful how it worked out with your family members and of course that would really be the ideal thing to have happen.
However in case it doesn’t work out so beautifully there is an option of ‘no play’, which is one that not many people dare to choose or realize is an option that you can choose.
And I do agree to go for playing and go for win/win is always the most wonderful one and good on you for achieving that.
You too have a great Christmas which I know you will.