My wedding, mum’s death and desires. How far I have I come.

Last week I bravely tackled *unbending intent* and I’ve been questioning intent ever since.

Is there a significant difference when intent shows up or not?

Yes, there is.

An event where clear desire and *unbending intent* definitely didn’t show up was at my wedding.
In those years, I had no idea what I wanted, I was confused and couldn’t deal with my deepest desires.
I was torn between wanting not to be seen as middle class and my suppressed desire to be a princess for a day.

I had no idea how to handle that tension and developed a *wedding phobia* instead.
All I wanted was for it to be over and me to be as inconspicuous as was possible for a bride.

In the end I wore a plain dress, the ceremony became one of those meaningless affairs, the party was ho hum and the whole wedding ended up being a drag.
Once I got over the whole wedding ceremony phobia -years later- I could kick myself when I realized what I missed out on.
Needless to say that the marriage also lacked intent and ended up leaving me with a feeling that something was missing.

It was with my clear desire to get out of overcrowded Holland to a place of nature, New Zealand that I managed real intent.
I was all focused action and confidently going for it.
At work they made a big fuss of my leaving and I lapped it up.
No attention phobia there.
Interesting, now I come to think of it.

Getting a job in New Zealand in my field of career counseling, while everybody said that was not possible, was also done with clear desire and intent.
I didn’t want to give up on a job that I so loved.
I swapped children with a friend one day a week and went to volunteer at a high school as part of getting into the system.
At some point they offered me a paid job as a teacher aid, but although the money at the time was very tempting, I knew I had to keep going and avoid getting stuck in a paid job that wasn’t getting me anywhere.

I was so clear.

And indeed, those moves with unbending intent coming from a clear desire got me my job, with some help from the universe no doubt.

I felt so powerful when I scored that job.

Another event when I lacked intent was when I traveled home to my dying mum.
I was shocked when I heard that she was that ill, but that is no excuse for my lack of intent.
What I lacked was an intent to bring about my desire to have a very special time with her and share my feelings and thoughts and gratitude.
I could not bring myself to have enough intent to have that happen.
Over time I had become very shut down, couldn’t express my inner thoughts and feelings and thus created a *speaking from the heart* phobia.

Instead of having a wonderful last few weeks, I ended up with regret and a yearning for how it could have been.
After I realized what we both missed out on, it took me a while to forgive myself.
Oh, if I could have accessed intention then.

What I now question is;
Does that mean that living life without clear desire and intent will lead to regret, bitterness, cynicism or resignation.
The chances are it will.

Clear intent driven by clear desires are necessary to make life interesting, fluid, honest and vibrant.
There was nothing fun about my wedding that I can recall, nothing to be proud off.

But all has not been for nothing.
There is a lot of intent in my relationship with John.
After my failings I have *unbending intent* to apply what I have gained about intent over the years and make my life with John a joyful one.
I have a clear desire and intent to make our relationship supportive so we bring the best out of each other and go beyond the *what is in it for me* intent.

The intent is to create a great partnership, so we have abundance.
In our abundance we can share what we have, within our community, with the planet and thus create a better place to live in.

How does intent make a difference?
By going beyond my own smallness, when my feelings want to run the show.
This week was a beaut example.
I was told to stick to systems and that got me.
I don’t like systems which is a hangover from my time dealing with cumbersome and seldom helpful corporate systems
And I don’t like being ‘told off’.
That day was a particular busy day and I felt that I was the only one who was working hard.
Shows I am still not perfect and it gets worse.
As a result I decided I could buck the system and blow the consequences.
Dare to challenge me!
Of course I got challenged and that really set me off.

I felt hard done by and wanted to wallow in the unfairness of it all until I got hold of my intent.
My intent pulled me up.
My intent effectively and quickly got me beyond my own little agenda and got me back to the ‘for the sake of what’ am I playing here.
Am I playing for my own drama or for something more important.

That is what clear desire and unbending intent does to me.
It lets me play a big game.

With intent all my relationships are awesome!
With intent my life is awesome!

And that is how far I’ve come!