Oohh! Why I am so happy now and what went wrong before. How to pan for gold in your relationships.

Don’t you love it when all of a sudden you get an insight.

For years I wondered why certain relationships work and others don’t.
Why with certain people I get on like a house on fire and with others I don’t.
Why my marriage didn’t work and with John I have a blast.

Recently as part of talking about the topic ‘Completion’ on Life Leverage I clearly saw that ‘contributing’ and ‘receiving’ has got something to do with the fact why certain people are so much easier to have relationships with than others.

I discovered that there is one group that are the contributors, the givers in life and the other group are the receivers, the takers in life.

I am not saying one is better than the other, we need both of them.
It is about how we balance ‘being a giver’ and ‘being a receiver’ .
The balance effects the quality of our relationships and the level at which we get things done and the speed we complete things with.

AND that was such an aha; I could really see what and who makes me feel good and what and who doesn’t.
It became clear with whom I get things done and with whom I don’t.
When there is a balanced contributor or a balanced receiver at work then there is a relationship to be had that can fly.
But an ‘over contributor’ or an ‘uber-taker’ will certainly hollow a relationship out until not much is left and certainly not much gets done.

Let me explain what I mean and let’s start with the out of balance ‘over’-contributors and how they look like

• They look as if they are very well meaning but before I know it they have glorified my drama story. They make things out to be far worse than they are and then offer help and advice that I don’t want or resonate with. These ‘over’-contibutors scare me, stifle me and make me feel really uncomfortable.
• Over contributors force things on you. From them I get presents I don’t want and every time they come I feel I have to prove I still have it or enjoy it or use it; none of which is the case of course.
• They offer to help and then help in such a chaotic way or unpleasant way that makes Faulty Towers look normal.
• I never feel safe to tell them what is happening because before I know it they jump into action, give advice I don’t want or make me feel helpless and bullied.
• They might talk about themselves but when you want to contribute, somehow they always get defensive and make you wrong again.
• In their company I start to feel and be clumsy. You can be sure my rice always burns and I drop things when they are standing over me, eager to take over or telling me how they do things. GO AWAY, is all I am feeling, thinking but never saying!
• They have an agenda with their giving.
  AND they always tell you how ungrateful other people are when they offered to help them.
  Well, that takes the wind out of my sails to say; “GO AWAY and NO THANKS” and that makes me feel so irritated.
• While busy giving, they over promise and never complete anything. You cannot count on them.
• Over-contributors are NOT the people who make me feel good. They are painful and exhausting to be with and they make me feel bad.

Well, it is no wonder that with ‘over’-contributors you have a problem on your hands and soon you will have a ‘bad’ relationship too.
They play the martyr, doing a lot of things that don’t make sense to you.
They think they are contributing hugely to you and the relationships and don’t see how they smother, stifle and exhaust everybody, themselves included with their unwanted action.
They feel hurt when you don’t thank them or ask them to please stop their exhausting game.
They usually make a big fuss about feeling unappreciated and leave you with feelings that you are ungrateful.

You can see how this will NOT contribute to a good relationship and how this will slowly deteriorate all goodwill.

Now let’s look at the balanced contributors;

• They listen and hear what I am saying without butting in and starting to tell their own story as soon as I take a breath. They let me finish and then their comments are right on the mark.
• They bring presents you like and you know the thoughts that went into them.
  Since I am not eating gluten anymore, one friend thoughtfully brought a whole bag full of gluten free snacks as to say “see, there is still heaps of yummy stuff you can eat.” It was such a lovely gesture and I felt very contributed to.
• At a party they clean up in such a way that it is really helpful and really shows that they observed what needs to be done. Recently I experienced this and it was so useful what they did and it was perfect what they didn’t do. They cleverly didn’t put things away. At least I didn’t have to hunt for things helpers put away to never to be found again!
• They make you feel safe and cared for and they encourage you to express yourself in such a way you wonder how come they are so easy to talk to.
• They give of themselves and share their inner thoughts and wisdom without making you feel dumb or wrong.
• They bring the best out in you, you feel great and loved and you feel love back. For those people my food never burns and it always tastes good. I can say interesting things while with others I can be tongue tied or worse say the wrong things at the wrong time.
• They give unconditionally and you can feel their generosity and there is no need to be suspicious and think; ” What do you want in return?”.
• They make promises they can keep and they complete on their promise. You can count on them.
• They are people whose company I love. They feel good to be around.

These contributors are real connectors and you can see the joy they bring to every relationship.

Now let’s look at the receivers or takers and again lets start with the bad news story, the ‘full on’ receivers or ‘uber’-takers.

• Life always treat them the worst and they are attention seekers extra ordinaire. They always have stories of being hard done by. Their hard luck is always the worst hard luck, they will milk every tragedy to umpteenth degree. They never let you finish your story and when you have two of them together they interrupt each other and fight for air space.
• You never get the feeling they like your presents, normally it gets set aside and there is no ‘thank your’ forthcoming. Or you just know it is not expensive or exclusive enough; you just know it is never good enough.
  I have a hard time looking for presents for these people.
• They of course are never a help at a party, they are in your way and even if you are busy getting things together or tending to things they keep being in the way and wanting your attention.
• The ‘uber takers’ irritate me no end.
  They also make me feel bad about myself because I start having very nasty thoughts in their company. I feel used and abused and I don’t know what to do with those feelings.
• Uber takers invade your space; make themselves at home with disregard of what is going on around them. They spread themselves out and before you know it, it is their house and not yours. If you have family like that, migrate and never give them your address. Besides invading your space they also can invade your head with their stories and how life is for them.
• They can be charming and thus deceiving. They will have a way of making you feel good at first and they will give little bits of themselves but the overall impression they leave you with is one of you having being taken for granted. They will offer to do things but somehow they seldom do things or complete them. Resentment is what they often leave behind.
• No doubt to say after the first impression you are quickly over them and your goodwill is gone.

Living with a ‘full on’ receiver and ‘uber’ taker can even deplete and make the most generous contributor leave.

This is how I describe the balanced ‘receiver’ or ‘taker’;

• When they are in need and do need a shoulder to cry on, they will let you console them and support them. They will listen to what you have to say and they will follow up on your advice or suggestions. And once the crisis is over they show their appreciation and get on with life.
• You know they appreciate every present you bring because they love a lot of things in life and are very easy to buy for. You know they genuinely appreciate your gesture and their appreciation makes you really warm inside.
• When you help them at a party they tell you what they want, give clear instructions and you know you are a real contribution to them. You love helping them and they show their appreciation.
• Balanced receivers make you feel good, they let you graciously contribute to them and they let you know what they want, without giving you the feeling you are wrong. They always have a sense around them of enough and abundance and they seem content.
• They let you give of yourself and they give of themselves by showing warmth and love and gratitude.
• In their company you want to give and you feel appreciated and respected and good about yourself. They will also guard against anybody over promising.
• Balanced receivers are lovely company and allow the balanced contributors to contribute in a very effective way.

Of course we all have a mixture of contributors and receivers in us, but you can see that we are more inclined to be one or the other AND that balance is required to have a great relationship.

The trick is to be aware of who you are and who you have relationships with and then see if there is a balance or not.
Of course if you feel uneasy and stifled or irritated you can bet your bottom dollar there is no balance in either you or the other person.

If there is no balance or you have two of the same ‘over achievers’ in either giving or taking you can see these life consuming life issues coming up;

• struggling with role and tasks divisions
• accusations about laziness, how come I do everything,
• how can I have a life when I am the one who looks after everybody
• success jealousy, whose career is important here
• conflicting aspirations,
• opposite values and different directions
• no completion is taking place as there is no great collaboration or great intention behind any action

It is really interesting to see when there is a conflict or an irritation with people; to observe where that comes from.
You will also notice that there is not much completion of things going on when there is no balance.
Just struggle, annoyance, blame and frustration.

I have a tendency to ‘over’-contributing and for martyrdom and I was married to a taker.
I can tell you that was not a good look and didn’t last of course. Nothing much happened either, we didn’t do a tenth of the things I am doing now with John.
I have now moderated myself and I so love living with my balanced contributor.