This topic is very relevant for me.

Every time I have a family gathering I come home feeling absolutely shocked at my family’s limiting beliefs and values that they have. I always have a great sigh of relief telling myself “thank godness I am not like them!”.

Of course this is somewhat true as I have done a lot of work to remove those limiting beliefs and values from myself, but quite often after I do more soul searching I find that the things that bug me the most about my family are alive and thriving in myself – they are just “invisble” to me!

I now try very hard to not engage in my families limiting beliefs, values and dramas and focus on what I can learn and discover about myself from observing them.

This openness is helping me to overcome a lot of those deep drop “blocks” that have been passed on to me from my family.

Thanks again Wilma, you are a star!
Kim.

I love your analogy between water and concrete! (…and how it plays out over time that water will erode and crack concrete if it is persistent in its motion for long enough)

What I realised as I got older is that most people tend to like their balloons, no matter how silly others might think they are.

As I was going to sleep last night, I had a half-asleep dream that everyone was walking around with bunches of helium balloons on strings. To each person, their own balloons seemed bright and cheerful and the helium made them walk lighter, but to other people they were actually heavy chains that weighed them down. Nobody was free of the balloon/chains… everyone had their own balloons and couldn’t see them as chains except on other people.

The idea of throwing darts came to mind because more often than not, my family members would be offended by my efforts to question their established patterns, and admittedly, at times I *knew* I was being offensive. Of course the problem was in my approach to it.

When a dart missed the balloon I was aiming at and hit the person holding onto it, they would be mighty upset!

Even if I hit the balloon, it still created a loud, startling *POP!* as an instant void opened up that the person didn’t expect, didn’t want, and didn’t immediately know what to do with.

Of course, I was also often hurt and got quite defensive when someone else popped one or two of my balloons without asking me first… but looking back I can see that I had lots of balloons that needed popping. Even when they ask first, and I say “OK”, the *POP* can be startling and uncomfortable and make me flinch, even though I’m expecting it. )

I think it has something to do with how we are naturally uncomfortable with emotional and behavioural voids. Not knowing what to do in a situation can be more distressing than “knowing” what to do, even if what we “know to do” makes no real sense at all. It’s about feeling that you have control of the situation, even if it’s just an illusion.

Perhaps that’s where the whole family role-playing thing perpetuates itself through generations; it’s the learned easy answer to dealing with a common scenario. Just follow the script. Sure, it’s mildly uncomfortable for everyone, but not enough for anyone to protest and call the game off, because you all know it will get you through without having to think about it too much, or invest yourself too much.

Having grown up with a few different scripts handed to me at different times made me wonder “Where’s the improv and fun in this?! Why don’t we just do and say what we want to do any say?” As a kid it was very confusing and frustrating. Like I said, though, I think people are catching on and it’s really very different now, and people are more “themselves” than before.

On the other side, our NZ family has always played full-out when they get together. It’s incredibly fun and everyone says what they think… there’s no agenda at hand other than being free to choose what to do and say in the moment, and it makes for very vivid and fond memories… and every single time we get together is totally unique, and always incredible.