4 considerations to keep you singing in the shower.

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy, one was called ‘Red’ and the other was called ‘Green’.
They lived with their parents, who did their best to make them into happy, capable adults, providing them with everything they could.

‘Green’ couldn’t wait to leave school and had already looked around to see what was going on. Liking the water, ‘Green’ had been hanging around the water’s edge and showing a lot of interest in what the people on boats were doing. She even talked to the people, although they looked busy and were not always friendly at her first attempt to ask questions.

‘Green’ had asked ‘Red’ to come with her a couple of times, as ‘Green’ had noticed that ‘Red’ didn’t go out much. He normally went straight home from school and was planning to go to University.
One day ‘Red’ had come as ‘Greens’ enthusiasm about a particular beautiful boat was so contagious that even ‘Red’ couldn’t resist it.
‘Red’ had some reservations though, and on their way ‘Red’ kept saying he felt it was not proper to annoy busy people, just to satisfy your own curiosity.

Now ‘Green’ had become bold in approaching the captains of the boats, after all she’d done it often enough, so she had no time for ‘Red’s objections and got even annoyed she had asked him.

Having arrived at the wharf, once again ‘Green’ confidently boarded the boat looking for the captain with twitchy ‘Red’ in tow.
By now ‘Green’ was used to hearing a gruff “what the h** are you doing here, get off!” ; she had her usual spiel ready, when something quite unexpected happened.
Not only did she get the gruff “What the h**?”, she also got a gun shoved under her nose and both ‘Green’ and ‘Red’ were thrown inside a cabin and locked in.

You can imagine the scene inside that cabin. Funny that.
Although you and I probably have never been in a situation like that, I am dead sure that most of us will be able to literally hear the conversation ‘Red’ and ‘Green’ would be having.

What conversation would you hear?

“Oh, shut up. Isn’t this fun? That guy just got a fright.
I bet he’s gone to ask the captain what to do with us. This probably is a very rich dude’s boat and it’s all part of the security.
Just wait; we still have a chance to see the boat.
What do you mean, you don’t want to see the boat anymore?
Are you crazy, this is such an opportunity. Who knows we get to meet the owner as well.”

Or would you hear;
“Sh**, now see what you got me into! How on earth are we getting out of this mess. Oh, I wish I would have never come with you. I knew it wasn’t going to work. You and your stupid idea. When that guy comes back I want to get out of here, who cares about the boat. And now I missed my favorite TV program, for what?
You better get me out of here.”

It is not hard to guess which conversation belongs to ‘Red’ and which to ‘Green’.

And so ‘Green’ creates life and ‘Red’ drifts through life.
‘Red’ is set up to go through life doing all the right things, getting the right career and even become wealthy.
He will not ask many questions, will NOT poke his nose where he thinks it doesn’t belong and will only learn what is offered to him on a plate.

“Green’ is set up to go on asking questions wherever she goes, poking her nose into wherever she thinks it belongs, learning and seeing unusual things and probably doing unusual things.

However years after the boating incident they somehow meet again, both still unmarried, and curious about the so different other.

‘Red’ has become a bit more courageous and “Green’ has become a bit more tolerant; they hit it off and yes. . . . living together they go and . . . . . . after a few years it doesn’t work.

And once again we all can hear the conversations they are having depending in what camp you sit.

Do you hear this?
“Why do you always have to be so difficult; why can’t you just have a normal proper job so we can pay off the mortgage AND THEN once financially secure we go and travel.”

Or do you hear this;
“Why, oh why did I marry you; I knew it would be trouble when you insisted on that boring wedding.”

And there you have it, a broken structure, with no clear agreements, no shared understanding and no coordinated actions.

And so it goes most of the time.

Enthusiastic people entering relationships and eventually closing each other down until nobody sings in the shower anymore.

How can we get back to singing again ?

• see having each relationship as a culture shock and not just as something that will flourish by itself.
  That won’t happen, not yet in this climate anyway.
  Work on it as if it is a business structure.
  Take time to talk and really get to hear each other stories. Learn who you are dealing with here. If you meet someone from a total different part of the world you would take your time wouldn’t you? If you go and work in another country you would make sure you know the rules?
  Even be that organized by marking time in your diaries for being together. Not very romantic, but it works in our busy lives.
  This by the way applies to most relationships amongst people being it friends, neighbors or colleagues.
• this is nearly sheer impossible yet, but focus on playing team together. Look at each other’s strengths without making the other wrong for the difference.
  This is extremely hard to do as we judge differences as something wrong rather than an attribute.
  In our mind we can see the benefits of difference, but feeling it as advantageous is another matter if you have to live with it.
  Notice your reluctance to give up your irritations or you own habits.
• when playing team go for win/win for all parties and if there really is no win/win stop playing. Hard but why continue?
• be generous, don’t be stingy. Don’t keep a list of scores, the universe will do that for you. Take your time to see what the other person loves and appreciate. This book about 5 love languages can explain for example how come when you give her presents she still doesn’t love you.

Consider these things and let me know if you are singing again.