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Doomed, security meltdowns.

Posted on June 17th, 2008 by Wilma (10 Responses)

After my insights about possibilities, the next thing for me to learn is to rely on the mighty helper God, Universe, Creator Of All That Is or whatever name you want to give the ‘invisible luck’ factor in life.

I realize I lack complete faith and trust.
I do trust a little, but I think there is a call for more surrendering to be going on. It is a bit like you cannot be half pregnant.
Thinking about it all, I have a theory about my reluctance to surrender and lets see if this theory rings a bell with you too.

I am the youngest of five children; I have three older brothers and one older sister. You can imagine I had little chance to win any game or argument. I was the cute little loser and hated it.
However I had one big advantage and I knew it.
When the others were taken away by the education system, I was home alone with mum.
I was home alone with mum and having a ball; everything to myself, mum included.
I felt special and as little as I was, I milked the situation to the full.
I knew I was on a good wicket and so did my siblings.
Life was very sweet then!

However after those few wonderful, victorious, happy years; disaster struck.
It was my time to go to school.
Of course I had no intention of leaving my heaven on earth, but no matter how much I kicked and screamed, my lovely mother who always made me feel secure and special, firmly farmed me off too.
Once again I was surrounded by even more people who could do things better and faster than I could.

Enter feeling betrayed and experiencing security meltdown number one.

Being no exception to the rule I did eventually adjust.
I resigned myself to the fact that I had lost all advantage over my siblings; I now was one of them, to be carted off in the morning to the big anonymous world of school.

Then I entered the world of romantic love. Once again I was the center of someone’s universe and it must have unconsciously reminded me of the bliss of being at home with mum, because it felt sooooo good!
But here too came a rude awakening when after the first bliss I noticed relationships are not just about me.
He had his own agenda and things he wanted to do.
Instead of the expected fairy tale’s capable, attentative, stinking wealthy ‘prince’ doing everything for his princess, my prince had doubts, couldn’t do everything, wasn’t stinking rich either and he certainly wasn’t as devoted as my mother.
Drat.

Enter feelings of betrayal and experience security meltdown number two.

It took growing up to take care of that and then a job happened. By now, I’d come to expect that studying and reality are not totally aligned. Still I hoped for the best.
I entered the fray at work with a knot in my stomach but it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. I was the youngest in the office but I had the latest know-how, so my position once again was privileged , which I -once again- took full advantage of.
Although it lasted quite a few years, restructuring changed things big time.
I lost my special position and I got a taste of internal politics, intrigue and inhouse competitiveness.

Enter betrayal and security meltdown number three.

And then I entered the true adult world.
Got married, in-laws, a mortgage and the meltdowns started to follow each other even more rapidly.

Marriage turns out to be a competition between individuals who cannot seem to get it together.
You get insurance and when you go for a pay-out you don’t get any because you didn’t read the fine print and before you know it you don’t believe a word anybody says any longer.

By now disbelief and cynicism are firmly established.

And I’m supposed to trust The Universe and feel secure in God’s love?

Yeah, pull my other leg, pleazzzz!

So once established what I am up against, I can now crawl my way back to the feeling I had when I was with mum.
That feeling of total trust, of feeling secure, loved and special; knowing she enjoyed me and that I added to her day as she did to mine in total trust, harmony and joy.

I now have that type of relationship with John; where we are trusting and work joyfully towards a clear common dream together.
We make sure that we regularly have the time to check that we are still on the same tack and that we enjoy each other’s company.

I love what Mike Dooley, a la The Universe, says;

Pretty much the only thing that slows me down, Wilma is when someone forgets to include me.
Find a way, Wilma, whether through asking or praying, imaging or pretending, broiling or baking, to constantly remind yourself that I am always at your side, armed to the teeth with love, able to shock and delight, and probably, haute couture from head to toe.
Je suis chic et magnifique,
The Universe.

Yeah, I am crawling back to feeling secure, joyful and advantageous, without the smirk of course.
What I want is for everybody to have this advantage, even my siblings; no, I am not pulling your leg on this one.
I find my siblings kind of cute now.

Wilma and siblings.jpg

10 Comments to “Doomed, security meltdowns.”

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  1. Blair says:
    June 17, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    How interesting Wilma, your life in ways sounds like mine lol. I can relate quite a bit to what you are saying. I must admit that I had a ball in my childhood, good loving parents, food on the table, heaps of friends, the magic of Xmas etc. Life seemed really grand, secure and forever.

    I remember hearing that cynicism never shows up in your life as cynicism. The next thing I know I am cynical about all sorts of things before I realize it. What were once exciting things for me can be frowned upon now because of an upset many years ago. The classic one is, “ha, been there done that” or “tried that, it doesn’t work.”

    I can relate to you with what you said about you and John. Both Janai and I are working toward to common dream, with love and trust and we too enjoy each others company very much. It just seems to flow naturally and there are no doubts about its structure.

    This can be applied elsewhere in my life hehe.

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  2. Wilma says:
    June 17, 2008 at 6:24 pm

    I do agree Blair, life throws interesting curved balls at us and that the cynicism that then arises can go on doing its damage undetected for many years. I had to laugh at your description of your cynicism. I had the same and called them wisdom……how is that haha, didn’t catch on for a long time.

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  3. Alexander M Zoltai says:
    June 18, 2008 at 5:45 am

    It’s comforting to relate to other’s stories. Even if the details differ, the resonances pull us in.

    I was raised by two ministers–mom and dad–and my siblings, two older sisters, became ministers, too.

    My particular struggle with submission to God’s will [or, grokking God's Grace] culminated in the nuclear meltdown of the last ten years. Praise His Understanding that I can now (at 62) *begin* to lay it all at His “feet”.

    I’m a Baha’i and my Faith has no ministers [fact is, there are a few I actually do like...] which is to me oh, so cosmically humorous.

    I started to offer my book of poetry as a free download–it’s title is “Is Your Soul In Here? – A Poet’s Struggle with God”: http://tinyurl.com/3kaoqt

    ~ Alex

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  4. Wilma says:
    June 18, 2008 at 10:35 am

    @Alex. Looking at one’s life path is interesting and how via different twists and turns we can discover the pearls again amongst all the rubbish. Wonderful that you are able to put it in words the way you do and to share it with us who cannot word it with such grace.

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  5. mesc says:
    June 19, 2008 at 10:57 am

    I know that I can not protect my little daughter from such inevitable partial losses of love and security. Just like when you lose a loved one, one goes through stages of despair, shock and putting up with it.

    What advise would you give a loved and strong child – as you once were – who faces such problems ? I must say that when she was 2-5 years old and frustrated at times – as a small child can be – , I succeeded many times to calm her down by saying: “als je 7 bent kun je alles, en dit ook!”. I proved this couple times by addressing a 7-year old at the school yard and ask him/her about: can you read the clock, read, write, swim, ride a bicycle, light a match and ten other things, all in one row. And when she heard yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, she was as happy as a puppy and as light as a feather.

    Of course it comes down to managing a bad time, but this answer is not an answer…

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  6. Wilma says:
    June 19, 2008 at 2:36 pm

    @mesc. I think it is something we have to live with in the society as it is today. It is still all about competing for example. Being aware of it and encouraging a child to see the good bits counts for a lot, a lot more than we might think. It is gorgeous to see how she reacts to good news when you show her what she can do in this moment in time. And an anwer, wie zal het zeggen?
    bedankt voor het bezoek en je commentaar.

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  7. joyologist says:
    June 21, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    i know love envieth not…..but i do have some envy for your love and joy of and with each other….i find it in aspects but without a partner it is just not quite the same…it brought the biggest smile to my face just now…much love to you both…pat

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  8. Wilma says:
    June 23, 2008 at 9:26 am

    @Pat. I do agree that it is wonderful to share a life in such a way and it is interesting to see how littlle it is happening even when people do live together. We are just not used to great quality communication and sharing. YOU are doing a good job to enhance joy, positive feelings are really important, more important than we think.
    Love Wilma :)

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  9. Bridget Marsh says:
    June 23, 2008 at 10:36 am

    Hi Wilm

    It seems to me that to rebuild trust in others, in organisations and in the world we first need to build the trust in ourselves. That we are whole,complete, perfect, lovable and TRUSTWORTHY. Once we give this trust out we will find that it comes back to us.

    An experience of trust that provides me with much learning is. As a gorgeous competent 26 year old in a relationship that had been agreed to be ‘open’ I slept with another man. The hatred, violence, venom that came my way as a result of this being discovered harmed me for many years. The journey to whole complete, perfect TRUSTWORTHY and trusting has involved letting go of it being about me, my ego, and recognising that if I had been about ‘we’ I could have communicated differently and in fact ‘been’ different and chosen differently.
    Growing up is a choice.
    And now I’m learning about structures and choice. And its fun again.

    love

    Bridget

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  10. Wilma says:
    June 23, 2008 at 10:58 am

    @ Bridget. Well said, you have a point there when you talk about being trustworthy yourself and at the same time being in a ‘we’ mode without losing your self.
    I personally think that is a big journey and what it is all about. Knowing who you are; then others are not that frightening or threatening and they finally can become a real asset in your life.
    And I can so see the impact that episode in your life must have had, hah, talking about shock…..and the time it takes to recover….
    Thanks for a great comment, hugs Wilma.

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