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Killer nasties, overwhelm and relationships.

Posted on June 3rd, 2008 by Wilma (16 Responses)

Imagine this scene.
One winter afternoon John lights a fire so I am snug and warm.
I have done the washing, the shopping and loving my life full of all the exciting things we are doing.
I return to the computer in front of the fire and John comes in.

“Wilma, can we talk about tonight’s marketing meeting?”

At the word ‘marketing’ my coziness drops a few degrees, I hate that word.
But being a good work mate I say: “Sure” and think: “Aaarghh, I hate marketing, I hate selling”.

John continues to discuss the agenda items and how we can prepare the meeting.
With our several websites understanding Google search words is part of marketing.
As I have taken on the research role as part of my writing I get the question;
“Could you do some research on such and such words?”

Again as a good work mate I say; “Sure” and again think; “But I don’t need this, why me? This is different research and I have enough to do”.

Now watch the whole scene unfold.
Once our talk is over I immediately start searching like a madman!
One part of me desperately wants to show off by producing good and fast results.
The other part of me resents having to do once again another new task on top of all the others I am already doing.
I feel that there is so much to do, so little time and everything is so new and unfamiliar.

So while I randomly start searching, I actually haven’t taken the time to think what I am doing, and as such the results I come up with are mediocre.
I kind of know that, which makes me slightly grumpy and resentful and underneath some killer nasties are beginning to sneak in.

Just as we leave the house John asks; “Could you please take the minutes, so I can concentrate on chairing the meeting?”

“Sure, I say; I get a note pad”, but my little voice pops up and says; “Sure? Note pad, drinks, food, what else, the kitchen sink, and do you want fries with that?” and before I know it the nasties are back at work.

The meeting happens and I have to work hard to keep up with the discussion.
Somehow marketing is not my strength and it frightens me. I find it complex and cannot see how it achieves sales.
In the meeting John of course asks for my search results and I give information that is of little value. Everybody is nice about it, but my nasties are now fully at work and into blaming.
And they are not only blaming about my lack of training in search word campaigns, they are now blaming anybody and everything.

I blame the fact I need to do everything and that we have so many different things on the boil.
I do ALL the shopping, washing and cooking, and I forget that that has been agreed about in the roles allocation.
I also conveniently forget that as John was making requests I could have said “no” if I felt I had too much to do or it was out of my league.
I also conveniently forget that I am pushing myself and that I don’t have to set such tight deadlines for everything.
I also forget that I can ask for help.
I forget that I cause overwhelm and that there is a word “no”.

So while the meeting goes on the nasties are hard at work and making me droop.

Then the next morning I have drooped even more and I start to grump openly after waking up.

The quick firing goes like this;

“John, have you finally fixed the drawer yet? And what are we going to do for fire wood now you have given all our WARM firewood away to your father? By the way Google search is vastly different from doing research for writing, you should know that. Have you sorted out the domain names yet? And by the way what is wrong with my blog?”

After that John is quiet for a moment and so am I.
We both go silent and think; “Oh oh, nasties at work, overwhelm alert.”

Thank God, we are not taking these attacks personal and have learnt to talk about it.

We pick up on my concerns, deal with them, I stop drooping and away we go again while
I once more have a better understanding of killer nasties.

I don’t have to solve the marketing issue; it is not my role, phew.

I can say no to new tasks or ask for help if I find out I don’t know what I am doing, phew.

I am doing okay, I am my own slave driver and I can stop that, phew.

I do love what I am doing even if it is all new and scary at times, phew.

But you can see how the nasties work in a relationship; especially when you are doing a lot and there is overwhelm lurking around the corner.

Let’s see if we can handle these nasties that creep in and ruin a relationship.
The trick is to recognize them when they are at work and as they will be different for everybody the more examples we get the better chance we can spot them.

So here is my request.
When do your nasties show up? – here are some examples: When you are tired, overwhelmed with no time for self, fearful, lacking in money or when his/her family is coming to stay?
How do your nasties show up? – some examples again: By quick firing unrelated issues like me, picking a fight, asking mean questions about sensitive issues, silence, complaining randomly, sabotage?

16 Comments to “Killer nasties, overwhelm and relationships.”

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  1. Robyn says:
    June 3, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Killer Nasties, my were they afloat over the weekend shared with a group of friends. Conversation stretched some of the comfort boundaries and out came the nasties. Once aired and completed the space freed up for each to be themselves.

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  2. Bertie says:
    June 3, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    Hi Wilma, Thanks for your honesty. My nasties show up like yours and when I forget all that you forgot. Isn’t life great! Because like you, more and more I am able to deal with it in a constructive way. Nip it in the bud as soon as you feel it coming. Unfortunately, I forget sometimes and the overwhelm fog creeps in. Still, like you, there is definitely progress! Thanks again for writing about it.

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  3. Wilma says:
    June 3, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    @Robyn. Isn’t that interesting how they creep up and how it changes things when you can see them and then control them. You see it all around you, how nasties destroy relationships. Such a shame and so unnecessary. Great that it worked for you and how it made a difference.

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  4. Wilma says:
    June 3, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    @ Bertie. Haha good word, overwhlem fog, that is what it is and be gone with it I would say.

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  5. Monica says:
    June 3, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    This sounds all too familiar Wilma. I am a master of creating my own state of ‘pressure and overwhlem’ and when I am in that moment I look for outside circumstance to justify my ‘feelings’, usually the person that wears the brunt of my moodiness is Boyd. Often before I have even started getting caught up in my stories, Boyd knows something is up because my body positioning droops! Funny how other people have a better view of you. Of course I am in complete denial “oh no, there’s nothing wrong, I’m fine” – yeah right. One thing that I found of huge value is what Steven Covey said in his 8th Habit (along the lines of) “there is a space between action and reaction, and it is in this space where we can choose….” brilliant!

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  6. Kathleen says:
    June 3, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Hi Wilma – you’ve done it again – hit the nail right on the head. I’m wriggling like a pinned cockroach (to extend the metaphor). My nasties show up when I feel taken for granted. I can go for miles on an empty tank and a heartfelt “thanks”, but take me for granted and I turn into Alien. Or Ace Saboteur. Or Ms Passive Aggressive. Pick one. I now have to go back and deliver a few timely “no”s. Thanks, doll. XX

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  7. Wilma says:
    June 3, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    @Monica. Ho what a wisdom and you are not even 30 yet!
    Cool that you can talk about it as it is so easy to bite his head off. At least that is what I do :)

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  8. Wilma says:
    June 3, 2008 at 3:38 pm

    @Kathleen, go girrllll go and deliver the ‘nos’ —I am right behind you!

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  9. Nicola Tyler says:
    June 3, 2008 at 10:00 pm

    Hi Wilma. You are so..o good at making all the leverage and you teachings real. I have always set myself unrealistic tasks and often by the time the weekend is nearly over I can feel myself getting grumpy when I realise there is no way I am going to get through what I thought I would in my head. Identifying the important structures in my life has helped me enormously and by thinking that my relationships with John and my teenage children are the EXTREMELY important structures in my life helps me to consider time with them and helping them well spent rather than thinking my time has been robbed by ‘doing’ stuff for others.I’m getting better! Thanks Wilma and John

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  10. Wilma says:
    June 4, 2008 at 10:28 am

    @Nicola. Isn’t it funny how things in our head can make life difficult. I too always thought I had to do everything until completion which of course puts an enormous unneccesary pressure on me. It takes a while of consistent monitoring to get rid if the habit. A bit like your Pilates classes do for my body :)

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  11. Mary Dwen says:
    June 4, 2008 at 1:14 pm

    Hi
    I love the “fog” idea. I spent many hours driving at night in fog, I noticed that I could see better if I had my lights on low instead of high beam, and could drive more safely if I was aware of the middle white line and the side of the road markers – So where is the metaphor here???

    We live above the fog but as the sun rises the fog lifts.
    So mabe there is something for us to think about re light and sun, bringing it into ourselves and clarity will come, knowing what to put our attention on…
    Mary

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  12. Wilma says:
    June 4, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    @Mary. Great metaphor. And yes it makes a lot of sense to have the light in ourselves to clear the fog….and for me it is important to keep that light burning, who is feeding me and my light until it is charged enough that it feeds forever from within me, fed by me.

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  13. Kim Baird says:
    June 5, 2008 at 6:57 am

    Thanks WIlma for your honesty , and sharing such a personal story that we can all connect with and relate to our lives. I admire your courage in sharing such imperfections to the world! It is fantastic. :o )

    My nasties show up when I am feeling overwhelmed and have too mcuh to do. They rear their ugly head usually as getting grumpy and frustrated at Andy or Rylan when they are not cooperating in doing what I want them to do. Thank godness I usually catch myself pretty fast to see what is happening and send myself off to have some “time out” to cool down, get present and refocus on what is important.

    Thanks again Wilma, what a legend you are!

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  14. Wilma says:
    June 5, 2008 at 9:19 am

    @Kim. Might I add you’re pretty good yourself :) . And yes how wonderful when we hve learnt enough so we can catch ourselves and can go and cool down before some damage is done. All the learning does pay off.. eventually… and I know you are working on it, so it is so cool to see results hey Kim.

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  15. Bloggrrl says:
    June 5, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    Curse words find their way into my speech, and I get snappish about stupid things. I can tell when I’m in the grip of the nasties because I start “keeping score” when it comes to chores and stuff. Not a good place to be! It sounds like you’ve got a mature way of seeing it! Great post.

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  16. Wilma says:
    June 5, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    Hey Michelle, thanks for your comment and yes I know about keeping score and guess what my side of the list gets longer and the other person’s side gets smaller in my opinion, great way to tip the balance to grumpville :)

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