Their ego-thoughts are not preventing them from loving the piano. Not yet anyway.

As always many thanks to everyone who commented on the Monday post; ‘What are your issues with migrating to Heaven on Earth?’
It is a challenging post.
It is one thing to read about ‘Heaven on Earth’ in spiritual texts but it is quite different to actually aspire taking such a huge step in daily life.

And as for migrating there, well Angelia Sims was honest enough to say what was so for her;

I haven’t really stepped out of my southern Oklahoma/Texas culture comfort zone.

And then she went on to say what else was so, with stepping out of her comfort zone;

But I have had to really adjust at my new/old job… The ego definitely takes a beating.

But it also makes me perfect for this job, because I keep my calm and my ego in check.

Congratulations Angelia, because a job like this is a great training ground for moving on from your ego. Moving on from ego type thoughts requires a lot of practice and we need to take every opportunity we can get.
Go Angelia go.

Jan Lundy on the other hand has migrated and assimilated to Heaven on Earth and sees it this way;

A heaven, a hell, a little miserable clod of complaints, or pure gratitude for being here. It is how we choose to be and see and live….

Joy and Maryse too are clear that they are migrants to Heaven on Earth.

There is a prevailing and understandable confusion about the ego and where it fits into the scheme of things. Maryse brought this confusion to light with her comment;

I’m a migrant … to Ego-less land. I’m going to point [out] here that I do not take the ‘less’ as ‘absence of’ but as ‘not as much of’. I believe that my ego is here for a reason… In an ideal scenario, as I’m migrating to that new land, it’s with me to help me handle life as it comes. It keeps me organized and alert while I flow and co-create. Like we have two brain hemispheres (the left for human doings and the right for spiritual being), we have Love/God as our driver and the ego as the navigator. But migrating we must. Because an Ego driven life of control is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to fill us with stress, dread, and fear. So I’m joining the bus to Heaven on Earth.

There is general agreement that we have an ego, or ‘ego-thoughts’ as I prefer to call them and as Maryse says; “an Ego driven life of control is not only exhausting, it’s doomed to fill us with stress, dread, and fear.”

We are also in agreement that a life filled with stress, dread and fear is not what we want.

However like Maryse, many of us have great difficulty in imagining a world completely without ego-thoughts. It is hard for us to imagine a world where the word ‘ego’ relates to an extinct civilization where ‘ego-thoughts’ were once prevalent. This is especially difficult for us to imagine because for most of us, our Little Voice is our ego; it is part of us and therefore hard to have it disappear.
Its survival is the egos only concern. The ego is very well established in our mind and very  cunning; it has all of our intellect at its disposal, so it has many ways of retelling the story to keep itself alive and keep its seat on the bus. Maryse very astutely noticed that her ego for example is even claiming the navigator’s seat in her mind. Yours too will want a seat on the bus to Heaven, even if it is a small hard-to-see seat at the back of the bus and your mind, but it still wants a seat and it’s not going to let you get on that bus alone if it can possibly help it.

Argue as the ego may, the logic of the situation is against the ego. Heaven on Earth is a place of Love, it knows no fear. As Jan says; it is a land of pure gratitude. In a land of Love there is no place for ego.

Life without our so called ego is possible; it did exist once and will exist again. The challenge for each of us is to be clear about that.
Our so called ‘ego’ must go. Just like you can’t be half pregnant, you can’t live in Heaven on Earth with a little bit of the old ego thought pattern hanging around. One excludes the other.

I agree that this takes some doing, as for most of us the ego thought pattern is firmly in control.
This journey to Heaven on Earth (without our ego) is not something we can achieve alone. As Joy says;

I am actually surrounded by these new inhabitants, some of whom are trying to welcome me with open arms, but I had no idea until this moment…because I *was using* my old vision finders…

We at WomenLikeMe are welcoming you with open arms; however if you look with your ‘ego’ vision finders you will not see us.
WomenLikeMe is fatal to the ‘ego’ and ‘it’ knows that.

"Yeah, yeah your food is coming", but soon all this demanding work will be all over for this mother. Lucky her.

This is our second week of talking about martyrdom and I’ve still got plenty more to say on the skills required to become martyr free.
You certainly could see my point in this Monday’s post; How to kill of martyrdom, that children are takers and they will get their way with a martyr every time.

However children being takers is not the issue, they are only one of the many daily challenges that recovering martyrs have to face up to.

Diantha explained this clearly for us with her comment;

You are right about children (and husbands) taking until one is just a puddle on the floor. For years I thought it was THEIR fault until I wised up and realized I PLAYED INTO IT! Gulp. Truth can be a hard teacher…

Yes Diantha, the critical first step is to own up to the truth that we martyrs play into it. We allow children (and husbands) to take advantage of us. It is easy for us to look external to ourselves for the cause of our troubles. It is much tougher and requires honesty to recognize and acknowledge how we are the cause of our troubles.
I’d like to add, if you have martyr, people pleasing, doormat tendencies, you will play them out everywhere, not just within the family, but at work and with your friends as well.
How we cause ourselves to be treated as doormats is invisible to us. This is where we need gentle friends to support us and reflect back the wholesome ‘what is so’ of our martyr behavior.

Once recognized, this  is only the beginning of what needs to change. We also have to be clear that martyrdom does NOT bring about happy families or a strong basecamp in us.
Then we need to be VERY determined to STOP and instead choose to be a strong basecamp, no matter what it takes.
Finally we need to be 100% committed to following through on the consequences, just as Peggy did in her example;

I called it quits when my youngest daughter, then 16, begged and pleaded with me to take her car shopping three days after my first chemo treatment…I felt like death warmed over…but I got out of bed and went car shopping with her. About an hour into it, I told her I needed to go home. She threw a fit. I had the car keys, got into my car, and started driving away. Of course she ran after me but that was the end of my guilt ridden martyr days.

Like Peggy, not only do you have to be prepared to drive off and leave your 16 year old daughter standing on the side of the road, but you actually have to do it, no matter what your Little Voice maybe screaming inside of you.
And you will have to do it more than once, perhaps daily for as long as it takes. For Peggy it took her 18 months for her daughters to come around, but the rewards are worth it as was the case for her when her daughter shared;

“it’s taken me a while, but I get it. You are the happiest I’ve ever seen you and I want to be more like you. Because you are happy, everyone else around you is happy, too.”

Essential as it is to let go of people pleasing, martyr behavior, the challenge is huge and the tendency to back down is real as Catrien shared;

When there are too many challenges it becomes so much simpler to back down on all of them because we lose our nerve. But to stand firm on one can be such a breakthrough that releases even more reserves of courage. And we become ever more brave.

Invisible as this maybe for you, currently you have organized your whole world to support you in being the way you are. It is not that your children, spouse, friends don’t love you, they do; it is just that you have them trained to expect you to do ‘martyr type’ behavior. They too can’t see how they support you in being the old you.
To successfully follow through on your determined intention to be a strong basecamp requires support from other strong basecamps.

I doubt you can do it on your own, I couldn’t and as Catrien says; “it becomes much simpler to back down.”
Seek out strong basecamp women and ask for their support.

You need support wherever you can get it so join me and Peggy on the StepMom’s radio show this Monday, April 26, 2010 at 8PM EST on http://blogtalkradio.com/thestepmomstoolbox as I talk more about “Death to Martyrdom: Reclaiming Your Happy, Healthy Self!” Peggy and Erins’ radio shows are such amazing resources and NOT just for stepmoms. They actually cover all aspects of parenthood, only step parenthood amplifies parenting issues even more.

The very best support I can offer you is to join WomenLikeMe where you will be both supported and learn the skills to be a strong basecamp.

No prolonged martyrdom here. After 17 days baby left home!

Despite my great mom I have been a martyr.
The first time I really got to see how ugly and stupid my martyrdom really was, I was in a state of shock.
I could not stop crying.
Real martyrs are effective and courageous while being a stand for a cause they firmly believe in.
True I did believe in a cause, a happy, close knit family but instead of a courageous fighter, I saw that I was a whimpering doormat, suffering to arouse sympathy with my feeble and ineffective attempts.
Oh to see that hard cold truth was incredibly confronting. Seeing I was an ineffective whimpering doormat shook me to the core.

I hate to say this, but most of us are whimpering doormats instead of courageous martyrs taking a firm stand for a happy family.

A family can only be guided to happiness by a strong happy basecamp.
I as a surrogate martyr – a doormat- only ‘keeps the peace’ at all cost, MY costs at MY expense.
‘ Keeping the peace’ is not about happiness but indicates a state of war and is about adversary.
Adversary drains us as just as much as living in a war zone does, so no wonder martyrs are tired.
Think about that!

That initial shock was a very strong incentive to give up my so called martyrdom and I  learned that martyrdom IS a complex thing to give up.

The cause of having our families be happy is a good one BUT the assumptions of martyrs as to what is required to have the family be happy are seriously flawed.
I share some of  what I have found out and I hope to God that it gets you thinking about your martyrdom too.

Martyrdom does NOT make happy families.

Martyrdom is about ‘keeping peace’ and suggests that you are in  an unfavorable situation, think about that!
Martyrdom is exhausting and had me die inside.
It makes me grumpy and a kill joy killing happiness instead of encouraging it!?
Contrary to what a martyr believes, standing up for yourself by setting boundaries is NOT selfish or a sign of being a wicked witch.
While I knew my martyrdom days were over,  I still judged my sister in law who did set boundaries as harsh, unkind, dictatorial and even unlovable. Secretly I thought that my children loved me more than her children loved her. It didn’t help that my husband’s family talked negatively about her and her strict ways, as she set boundaries around her husband as well. On his days off he got given chores, how unfair!?
You can see why I said martyrdom is a complex thing to give up!?

For a martyr children are impressive opponents. They are takers, they have to as long as they are dependent. So they take as much as they can, relentlessly and incessantly and unlike the baby bird they go on UNTIL somebody says “STOP”.
They can even display this ‘right’ of being indulged well into their adulthood UNTIL you wean them off ‘that milk’ as well!
That was a huge lesson for me as I used to keep on giving and giving to ‘keep the peace’, because kids do not take it lightly when they are being told “NO MORE”. They quickly learn to fight dirty and ruthlessly too.  
“Oh mom, I do not love you anymore when you are like that, dad/gran/aunty is so much nicer.”
And for the gazillions of stepmom martyrs that are now around this one must be a killer; “Well, you are NOT my real mother and you cannot tell me anything.”
I found it hard to believe how ruthless children can be, but be aware.  They go for broke although it is not them who is getting broke.
No wonder that any initial  feeble attempts on my part had no impact on such ‘worthy’ opponents, they needed a very strong “NO MORE”  and I needed to learn that in order to survive.

In my case it did not help either that I did not know how to solicit the support of my (now ex) husband, which I thought should be my biggest ally. Mistaken assumption here too!
Besides being a taker himself, he was a control freak and his way of dealing with the children was not mine.
We could not talk at all about how to handle the children and without a supportive relationship it is impossible for a martyr to give it up. 
I have also seen men being martyrs and push-overs and with two martyrs there is no show to get boundaries established. The children will win all the time.

Martyrs need to understand and be encouraged to access the ‘male’ energy in them, it is that energy that in the end allowed me to hold my ground without taking the attacks from the kids personally.
It is the ‘male’ energy within me that has me set boundaries and has me follow through with consequences when my ‘no’ gets challenged.
It is obvious that recovering martyrs like me needed support to do that and I never got it in my first marriage.
I did not realize that I could have looked for support from other women when I could not get it from my ex-husband.
Isolated as I was in those days, where was the person who could give me guidance about my destructive habits, who could explain what was going on?

As I said it takes some doing to let go of this complex thing called martyrdom aka whimpering doormat syndrome.
Life and you are unrecognizable once you let go of doormatism though and I am adamant that the WomenLikeMe program will eradicate it out of every member’s life.

Part of letting go of martyrdom is learning to set boundaries and facing up to some tough actions .
I invite you to;

• decide what boundaries you would like to set.
• decide what consequences you will follow through with when getting challenged. Choose one you are prepared to implement 100% and will not back down from.
• get support with your implementation because never underestimate your opponents!

Another action I recommend is to take this martyrdom seriously and join me on the WomenLikeMe program to rigorously work on making your basecamp strong and eradicate martyrdom once and for all. You must know by now that I am itching to support you.

Non ego-based strong base camps, nursing alpacas.

It is great to be back and seeing everyone getting back into the swing of things with the contributions to this Monday’s post on ‘Is martyrdom dead yet?’.

In your comments there was plenty of evidence that martyrdom is still alive and well with Kristie and SuZen recognizing it in their mothers; SuZen even attributing ‘PHD’ status to her mother’s martyrdom. Does that say something or not?
Peggy recognizes only too well that stepmoms are a special case as;

They are sucked into being a martyr – because they think they have to give up everything and give their all to eradicate the cultural stereotype that stepmothers are wicked, evil, nasty vile creatures. Stepmoms beat themselves up, second guess everything, put everyone’s needs in front of their own and seethe with resentment and anger.

Joy observed; “Martyrdom is so alive and rampant–I hear talk among my friends and they are burnt out, exhausted..”
Then went on to observe about herself;

… in all honesty I was falling into my own martyrdom trap, waiting on someone hand and foot because I felt obligated. This helps no one, erodes good, and puts negative energy out there. Once I recognized it–quite quickly–I stopped it.

Even more telling is what Joy went on to say;

If you are caught in the martyrdom cycle, know that as women we’ve all been there at some point–it’s part of our culture, what we’ve been taught is part of a good woman in any role.

Oh the misconceptions about what a ‘good’ woman is still blows my mind away when I finally get to see them. 
It is crazy to think that our ego-based culture determines us and dictates what to do as good women. Seeing that for what it is makes the alternatives to letting go of the martyr role certainly much more appealing.  Joy sees it this way;

It is my choice to take care of myself so that I may be healthy and whole and offer pure and clean abundance in all that I share with those around me…so that what I do share is full of good energy and Light. It is my choice to teach my children to be responsible and share in household chores so that we may build our home together.
… I’ve recently made it a priority to make sure my morning and evening routines are in place so my own heart whispers are heard…

Yes Joy, you are so speaking what we need to hear. WE HAVE A CHOICE beyond what we have been taught, now that we are getting more and more access to other explanations and gaining our strength and indigenous power once again. That for me is such a compelling reason to work as hard as I can on becoming a strong basecamp. I aspire to choose beyond these ego defined beliefs about how I should act and who I should be. Give me a break please!
Zeenat too is clear about the benefits;

It gives me immense joy that I am happy with myself at the end of the day…and that in turn reflects in my care of everyone and everything around me. It’s the best ripple effect!

I’m with Patty and my mom in valuing;

And I was hooked when you wrote about her insisting on a nap every day. I often think if we could all embrace just that one routine, the world would be a much saner place.

We understand what a martyr is and what martyr behavior looks like, but what we need is a clear alternative, a rallying point that we can talk about and teach our daughters, so they grow up talking and practicing another way.
We NEED to become a strong basecamp and let go of these misconceptions about ourselves.
In the context of our family, it is easy to see how much our families welfare revolves around us and how difficult it is to hold our ground to do things differently.  
WE ARE  basecamp and we need to get it into our heads that that means that we need to resource ourselves well first and foremost. Taking care of US,  ‘the family’s basecamp’ IS NOT a luxury but a NECESSITY. BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT and yes I am shouting as it is important for us to hear this.

The issue for Kristie to be a strong basecamp is to do with managing opportunities;

I am lucky to have a lot of opportunities in my life, but I need to remember to prioritize them and stick with what will make me happy, while all the while seeing the big picture of things.

Zeenat too recognized like my mom that it is a case of being clear in saying ‘no’ to opportunities such as  when;

…people ask me why I haven’t started my practice full time since I got married…and I just say “Cause I am Happy with everything.”

A clear example of less is more.
You will hear lots more from me about being a strong basecamp, that is what I am a stand for.
Being a strong basecamp is an antidote to this  crippling notion of martyrdom.

My mother's ring, oozing my mother's self care and self worth.

Is Martyrdom dead yet?
You wish now we have dishwashers, education & careers and the word ‘equality’ in our vocabulary.
But is it?
Are we confident providers, do we set ourselves up to be a well resourced basecamp capable of supporting everybody without depleting ourselves, losing out on fun in life and avoiding being resentful?
Hmm.

Although we all have great intentions to be the best basecamp for our families, we are  NOT getting the importance of keeping basecamp strong, of looking after ourselves.
Most of us still go for martyrdom, most of us still tragically lose ourselves under the strain of all we have taken on.
We become grumpy while our guilt increases when having nasty thoughts about everybody and everything.
Many women still are drained and reluctant basecamps that are not much fun for anybody.
We all have seen people walking around as if on eggshells, afraid to trigger us off, haven’t we?
How many of us are sick of hearing our own nagging voices?
Haven’t we all heard partner’s or children exasperatedly asking us to please, please do something to bring our old smile back?
OUCH! and until all that stops and our complaints are no longer showing up in the bloggosphere, martyrdom is alive and well I am afraid.

I have been very lucky, I grew up with a mom who was the best basecamp ever.
She knew how to look after herself. I cannot remember her ever being angry, irritated or grumpy. She was the most generous, happy and loving person I knew, doing lots for her family and other people and doing it  effortlessly.
Once married my mom ended up having five children in rapid succession, so she was very busy.
That did not stop her looking after herself. She looking after herself by creating daily routines that served her.
When we were older, I remember that after she organized breakfast and lunch for everybody, she would sit down for 30 minutes with her coffee and a crossword. She never skipped that ritual and she never did it for longer than 30 minutes. It gave her time to herself after the mad morning rush and it made her ready to get on with her other chores. At mid morning she would have coffee with a lonely neighbor. She would get to sit down and the neighbor would get some company, win/win for both.
She also insisted on an afternoon nap.
She was clear about boundaries, saying what she would and would not do and that supported her hugely in not taking on more than she could handle.
She refused to work in my father’s shop, although my father would have liked her help and people always asked her why she didn’t. She told us often that looking after us at home was more important AND more than enough. I remember her telling me that made me feel important.
My mother had no hesitation to get paid help with the cleaning, she certainly saw no gain in martyrdom in that department either.
I never saw any guilt from not helping my father, or spending his money or making her life as pleasant and relaxed as she could.
She knew that my father loved working in his shop and she made sure that she had a good time at home, win/win again.
When we were old enough, my mom would organize us and then take off for 3 days to visit her favorite sister. She never failed to tell us how much she enjoyed those stays.   
Not that she had to, it was obvious from the joyfulness she radiated when she came home and the funny stories about what they had been up to.
Once the shop generated more than enough money my mom spent it on us, her home AND herself.
My mom knew how to spend money on fun things when there was money left over.
Once she brought me three dresses in one go because we could not decide which one we liked the best.  Talk about feeling abundant, I experienced abundance right there and then, we actually both did. I loved the receiving and she loved the giving.
She had fun spending it on herself as well and for that I will always be grateful.
One spending I will never forget. It was at the time my grandmother had died and left us some money.
After my parents bought new furniture, my mother decided she wanted a ring as she had nursed my grandmother.
For days she talked about it and then her and I set off to buy one. I will never forget that feeling of prosperity when we were at the jeweler’s, looking at all that beauty while selecting a ring for my mom.
For years after that whenever I saw that ring, that same prosperous feeling engulfed me.
I now have that ring and it is my most precious possession after my mom died.
From the photo you can see it is not the most expensive ring but it sure is valuable to me.

My mom taught me that looking after yourself serves everyone. She was a basecamp extraordinaire.
She oozed enjoyment, ran a well organized family who felt well cared for and she had lots of extra capacity to spread her love around.  People gravitated towards her. We had a cousin living with us for seven years, she looked after both my grandmothers in their last days.
The window cleaner came to her to fill up his water tank and get his cup of coffee and the milkman choose our place to eat his lunch.
She was generous to others because she was generous to herself.
As she had great self worth, she found the worth in other people.

As WomenLikeMe says on ‘Me; a prosperous Structure‘;

Putting yourself first serves everyone. Consider yourself basecamp, recognize how pivotal YOU are AND look after yourself. That is the greatest contribution you can make to the wellbeing of everybody and everything around you. Invest in you and make basecamp strong is the best thing you can do.
When basecamp is well resourced to do its task, everybody’s expedition, everybody’s life has a lot more chance to succeed.

I couldn’t agree more, my mother’s self care made her the best basecamp ever and as a result she had her greatest intent fulfilled, a prosperous and joyful family without losing sight of herself.
If we all took care of ourselves like my mom did, martyrdom would be dead.
It sounds so simple what my mom did, but is it?

I and this blog are all about doing things differently.
I am going to make some suggestions as to what you can change in your do-ing to eradicate martyrdom.

Having this week distinguished the value of self care, I invite you to;

• Consider yourself as basecamp and observe how much you do for everyone else.
• Look at your resources such as time, parenting and communication skills, money, tools, friendships, hobbies and observe if they are enough or if there is a lack.
• Create a new routine about something you enjoy doing so it becomes a regular happening in your life … IF YOU DARE!

To speak as Joy does; let’s all stand ’shoulder to shoulder’. Let’s work together on being the change we want to see and banish martyrdom forever.