Their ego-thoughts are not preventing them from loving the piano. Not yet anyway.
As always many thanks to everyone who commented on the Monday post; ‘What are your issues with migrating to Heaven on Earth?’
It is a challenging post.
It is one thing to read about ‘Heaven on Earth’ in spiritual texts but it is quite different to actually aspire taking such a huge step in daily life.
And as for migrating there, well Angelia Sims was honest enough to say what was so for her;
I haven’t really stepped out of my southern Oklahoma/Texas culture comfort zone.
And then she went on to say what else was so, with stepping out of her comfort zone;
"Yeah, yeah your food is coming", but soon all this demanding work will be all over for this mother. Lucky her.
This is our second week of talking about martyrdom and I’ve still got plenty more to say on the skills required to become martyr free.
You certainly could see my point in this Monday’s post; How to kill of martyrdom, that children are takers and they will get their way with a martyr every time.
However children being takers is not the issue, they are only one of the many daily challenges that recovering martyrs have to face up to.
Diantha explained this clearly for us with her comment;
You are right about children (and husbands) taking until one is just a puddle on the floor. For years I thought it was THEIR fault until I wised up and realized I PLAYED INTO IT! Gulp. Truth can be a hard teacher…
Yes Diantha, the critical first step is to own up to the truth that we martyrs play into it. We allow children (and husbands) to take advantage of us. It is easy for us to look external to ourselves for the cause of our troubles. It is much tougher and requires honesty to recognize and acknowledge how we are the cause of our troubles.
I’d like to add, if you have martyr, people pleasing, doormat tendencies, you will play them out everywhere, not just within the family, but at work and with your friends as well.
How we cause ourselves to be treated as doormats is invisible to us. This is where we need gentle friends to support us and reflect back the wholesome ‘what is so’ of our martyr behavior.
No prolonged martyrdom here. After 17 days baby left home!
Despite my great mom I have been a martyr.
The first time I really got to see how ugly and stupid my martyrdom really was, I was in a state of shock.
I could not stop crying.
Real martyrs are effective and courageous while being a stand for a cause they firmly believe in.
True I did believe in a cause, a happy, close knit family but instead of a courageous fighter, I saw that I was a whimpering doormat, suffering to arouse sympathy with my feeble and ineffective attempts.
Oh to see that hard cold truth was incredibly confronting. Seeing I was an ineffective whimpering doormat shook me to the core.
I hate to say this, but most of us are whimpering doormats instead of courageous martyrs taking a firm stand for a happy family.
A family can only be guided to happiness by a strong happy basecamp.
I as a surrogate martyr – a doormat- only ‘keeps the peace’ at all cost, MY costs at MY expense.
‘ Keeping the peace’ is not about happiness but indicates a state of war and is about adversary.
Adversary drains us as just as much as living in a war zone does, so no wonder martyrs are tired.
Think about that!
Non ego-based strong base camps, nursing alpacas.
It is great to be back and seeing everyone getting back into the swing of things with the contributions to this Monday’s post on ‘Is martyrdom dead yet?’.
In your comments there was plenty of evidence that martyrdom is still alive and well with Kristie and SuZen recognizing it in their mothers; SuZen even attributing ‘PHD’ status to her mother’s martyrdom. Does that say something or not?
Peggy recognizes only too well that stepmoms are a special case as;
They are sucked into being a martyr – because they think they have to give up everything and give their all to eradicate the cultural stereotype that stepmothers are wicked, evil, nasty vile creatures. Stepmoms beat themselves up, second guess everything, put everyone’s needs in front of their own and seethe with resentment and anger.
Joy observed; “Martyrdom is so alive and rampant–I hear talk among my friends and they are burnt out, exhausted..”
Then went on to observe about herself;
… in all honesty I was falling into my own martyrdom trap, waiting on someone hand and foot because I felt obligated. This helps no one, erodes good, and puts negative energy out there. Once I recognized it–quite quickly–I stopped it.
My mother's ring, oozing my mother's self care and self worth.
Is Martyrdom dead yet?
You wish now we have dishwashers, education & careers and the word ‘equality’ in our vocabulary.
But is it?
Are we confident providers, do we set ourselves up to be a well resourced basecamp capable of supporting everybody without depleting ourselves, losing out on fun in life and avoiding being resentful?
Hmm.
Although we all have great intentions to be the best basecamp for our families, we are NOT getting the importance of keeping basecamp strong, of looking after ourselves.
Most of us still go for martyrdom, most of us still tragically lose ourselves under the strain of all we have taken on.
We become grumpy while our guilt increases when having nasty thoughts about everybody and everything.
Many women still are drained and reluctant basecamps that are not much fun for anybody.
We all have seen people walking around as if on eggshells, afraid to trigger us off, haven’t we?
How many of us are sick of hearing our own nagging voices?
Haven’t we all heard partner’s or children exasperatedly asking us to please, please do something to bring our old smile back?
OUCH! and until all that stops and our complaints are no longer showing up in the bloggosphere, martyrdom is alive and well I am afraid.
Birds hate interruptions too. John will you leave them alone!
Your comments to this week’s post; ‘Interrupted thinking creates half-baked Me’ certainly deepened my thinking about this epidemic of constant daily interruptions.
I want to start by emphasizing that interruptions of themselves are not inherently bad, a modest amount of interruptions are great and a fact of life. This is not the issue at all. The issue is the constant stream of them and our lack of vigilance in recognizing the insidious consequences to our quality of life and quality thinking because of constant interruptions.
So what is the cost of lots of interruptions?
The look of my current blissful uninterrupted life.
Ever opened the oven door and thus interrupted the baking?
Of course you have and so have I with dire consequences.
My interruptions have caused many potentially beautiful creations come to an early death. Before they had a chance to rise, many cakes have fallen flat on their face so to speak.
Okay, so I have ruined some baking, I can live with that.
But what if interruptions are being the death of my heart-centered creations?
What if interruptions are so plentiful in my life that my creative self never has a chance to fully express itself, that its thoughts never have a chance to rise?
Can I be so casual about that, can I live with that?
Hmmm.
My daughters who do love me.
I so want to acknowledge all your sharing in the comments on this week’s post; My fearful pursuit of love and its pathetic results. Your comments are a beautiful example of our connectedness; how we all have fears and how we all are committed to moving beyond them.
I got to see how in talking about my fear of losing the love of my daughter by saying ‘no’ to her, it had many of you share similar fears. Jodi summed it up well;
the tug and pull of saying no vs. feeling you should say yes to validate your love but then deciding to say no and struggling with how to say no–gosh it’s all so frustrating.
While most of us have this fear in some form or other, the flow of comments made it clear to me that our fears are completely unfounded.
John being encouraged by Wilma.
In last week’s post I wrote; “Great base camps understand sponsorship.”
Bringing up that whole idea of sponsorship and making ’ME’ - base camp – a prosperous structure has unlocked something huge in me.
I never considered that any personal relationship could have a sponsorship theme as well.
If I look back, most relationships, be it with partners, relatives, friends or with works colleagues have been one of limited possibilities because of that.
As I went through life, I have learned to look after myself, not to expect too much, to keep score so I would not become a doormat or a victim and to compete for mostly everything from attention and love to promotion and opportunities.
Most of my adult life I have been going it alone, I relied on myself and in my previous marriage I never considered my needs.
Now when I look at sponsorship, I get a whole new view on how a relationship could be.
I could become the sponsored one as well as a sponsor AND have everyone in the relationship fly.
John making me a wealthy base camp by lovingly making me a beautiful wooden kitchen bench.
I loved that the post, I am base camp resonated so strongly with so many of you who have read it.
And given the comments from some of you on your own reluctance to look after yourself, it certainly looks like I am not alone here.
Isn’t it amazing that when you look at yourself in a different light and see yourself as a structure, see yourself as base camp, how this reluctance just doesn’t make sense anymore?
It all of a sudden seems ludicrous NOT to look after yourself, NOT to keep base camp well maintained and prosperous, especially when you can see that the expedition called your life totally depends on it.
I can talk about the good life, spirituality and enjoying myself until the cows come home but that’s all just ‘hot air’ if I DON’T keep ME in great shape.
|
Growing up I always heard, ‘Don’t get too big for your boots, young lady’!
‘No, you are NOT the center of the Universe and you do not put yourself first. Don’t be selfish.’
And like everybody else, I too was constantly told what I could and could not do and nowhere was there any talk about ME looking after ME and finding out what I wanted.
It actually was all about staying small and being told NOT to deviate from the behaviors I had been taught. |
 Now I am wised up, I demand breakfast in bed, wherever we are. |
And I took all of it on board.
Sure why wouldn’t I have? It was dished out mostly by people who honestly loved me, so why would I not believe it.
But life is never that simple, is it?
A lot of what I’ve taken on board during my life is now showing up as extra ballast that is sinking the ‘ME’ in me.
|
I’m traveling back to Ireland with my husband and daughter in a few weeks time to see my family.
As the trip draws nearer I am thinking a lot about the impending reunion with my Mum, Dad and siblings.
I haven’t seen them in a year and a half and while the length of time doesn’t seem that long so much has happened in my life since the last time I was home. I find myself asking the question “Will my family recognize me?” And I don’t mean my physical appearance, I am referring to the person that I am. Will they see ME?
|
 With laptop in hand I am ready for my trip |
I realize that they already have an opinion about me, one that they’ve probably had for years and years. ‘Bossy sister who thinks she knows it all’ is one that springs to mind.
I can hear past conversations now ‘Oh Ann-Marie you can’t start your own business, what do you know. Sounds like it would never work; typical you to get involved in something like this’
I was always easily influenced by what they said. I’d be immediately sucked in and begin to worry that they were right. Then I’d get defensive before finally being totally upset with the lot of them and feeling stupid for considering the opportunity in the first place.
Next Page »
RSS
